Saying goodbye to sexual shame

January 24, 2023

SAying goodbye to sexual shame with Amanda Testa

Why our sexual shame holds us back in so many ways – and how working to move past it can invite freedom and expansion in all areas of your life.

I truly believe if there was less shame around sex, there would be less shadow around sex. This is why its paramount to talk about it, to de-stigmatize it, and to find your way to what feels good. Listen in to minisode #5 of 6 as I share what you can do when you’re feeling shame.

Missed the earlier Minisodes?Catch them here:Minisode #1: 80s Parties and Reviving Your Desire

Minisode #2: What to Do When Pleasure Feels Impossible

Minisode #3: Pleasure 101

Minisode #4: What does it mean to “practice pleasure”

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Are you ready to create the Foundation of Pleasure in your life? My pleasure membership is starting in 2023! This will be a space dedicated to cultivating your sexual aliveness, sensuality, and nervous system regulation.

You’ll enjoy monthly Pleasure Rituals guided by me and my guests, as well as community support, live events, and much more.

Get more information and join us HERE!

Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts ,Stitcher or Spotify.

COMPLETE TRANSCRIPT BELOW

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

Amanda Testa is a trusted healer, coach, and guide who’s served hundreds of clients over the years with masterful skills in coaching, pleasure embodiment, and somatic trauma resolution.

After thousands of hours of training in trauma informed sex and relationship coaching, tantric sex coaching, energy healing, somatic trauma resolution, breathwork, yoni egg coaching and more, she’s seen time and time again the magic and wisdom of our bodies.

We all have the ability to return to our blueprint of health, aliveness, pleasure and sovereignty, and you can too.

With her powerful, loving and gentle support her clients find their desire and pleasure again, find safety and bliss in their bodies, and remember they are enough just as they are.

Find out more about her new monthly Pleasure Membership HERE.

Want more support? Schedule a confidential 1-1 call with Amanda here.

Have a topic or question you’d like Amanda to address on a future episode? Submit it on this anonymous form.

If you liked this episode, please consider giving me a 5 Star Review on Apple Podcasts! It truly does help the podcast grow.

EPISODE 249: How to Say Goodbye to Sexual Shame Amanda Testa: Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. I’m your host, Amanda Testa, and we’re doing a small diversion from our usual thing. I’m dropping in with six solo podcast minisodes on stories about fun and desire, reviving your pleasure, and at the end of this episode, I’m going to invite you into a really, really fun experience. So, here we go! Today is podcast five of six minisodes, and we’re talking about saying goodbye to sexual shame. Not too long ago, I was leading a women’s circle, and I don’t know, maybe there were 25 or so women-identifying beautiful beings in this circle, and one of the things that I find so powerful about experiences like this is that there is a sacredness to being together in this way. And as I was sitting there looking around the circle at all these different types of bodies and beings and beauty, and everyone there had a unique experience that brought them to the circle. 1:06 But one of the things that one of the attendees said was that she had a lot of shame and embarrassment around just being even a woman, and that growing up it kind of felt more comfortable to be different than that because even being in a female body felt hard. It was interesting because it opened up a really lively conversation, and everyone started to share a little bit more about some of the things that they had shame around. Another woman was sharing how she felt shame that she just never felt desire at all and felt like she was broken, or something was wrong. First of all, that’s not true, and second of all, what happens in those types of situations is that most of the time whatever someone’s sharing, people always say, “I thought I was the only one,” and there are numerous hands that raise, experiencing a similar thing, right? 2:18 I don’t think there is a woman-identifying person out there who can’t relate to, at one point, feeling ashamed of just being in a woman’s body. The fact that we have less rights in a body like this, the fact that we have less power in this body, the fact that maybe you saw other people with different bodies get different types of treatment, and maybe that didn’t seem right to you. Most people can raise their hand to that, right? Most people in this type of body can raise their hand to the fact that there has probably been an experience where they received some unwanted attention in some way that made them feel a little shy about their body in some way. And I don’t know if you relate to any of this, but the reason I share this story is because in this circle what I saw was that there was a woman sharing about shame and being seen and recognized, being seen and realizing I’m not the only one that has this experience. This is universal. 3:18 When we can bring things like that to the light, it’s so healing, and being able just to talk about things that feel hard to say and be witnessed and celebrated in that is so huge. I love, love, love experiences like that, and it made me think, too, you know, around when I’m specifically talking around sexuality and teaching around sex and relationships and all that’s wrapped up there, and that is one of the number one things that comes up with people: embarrassment. Feeling embarrassed that they feel like something’s wrong with them, and I love how Emily Nagoski talks about this a lot in her book, Come As You Are, is that, you know, whatever you’re experiencing, it’s normal. 4:01 We just don’t talk about it. And this is one of the reasons why it’s so important to talk about these things and to bring this stuff to the light because the more we can empower ourselves to allow our pleasure to be, to expect it, to enjoy it, to spread it, the better, and the more understanding we are of others and the less judgmental we are of others and the more liberty there is for all. It’s so true, oh, my gosh. Anyways, I know that you’re probably familiar with Brené Brown and her research on shame, but I love how she has a beautiful way of describing shame, and here’s what she says about shame: “Shame is the fear of disconnection. Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and, therefore, unworthy of love, belonging and connection. Shame thrives on secrecy, silence, and judgment.” So, what is the alternative? How can you deal with these things when they come up? 5:02 Because I know from my own personal experience, before I started doing my own work around my sexuality, I too had a lot of shame around sex. It was very performative. It was never about me. It was always about my partner having a good experience. It was never about me. It was about looking a certain way or thinking that I needed to look a certain way, and I think this is a very common thing for a lot of the women that I work with. They feel embarrassed sometimes about maybe the way they look or maybe the way they smell, or they’re worried about all these things that are keeping them from being in the moment, from enjoying the experience, from finding what feels good, from asking for what feels good, right? When we can do this in these situations, we can do it elsewhere. So, empathy, compassion, being curious, bringing these things to light is how you work with shame and how you kind of move through it. Granted, yes, it doesn’t happen overnight, but the more you show up for yourself with compassion and realizing that you’re not alone in this — our culture is built to disempower women. 6:06 Our culture is built to strip pleasure and power away, and when you can regain that back, it is a magical thing. It really is. It changes how you show up in the world. It changes how you show up for the community. It changes how you show up for causes that are important to you. It changes how you show up for everyone, having an opportunity to have more pleasure in the world and having what they want. I truly believe that the more we can talk about this kind of thing and open the conversation, be together to celebrate pleasure, to celebrate what feels good, the more that shifts. It really, really does. The other thing that we can do when it comes to shame is we can spend some time with our own shame and kind of just let it know that we’re there for it. I know this sounds kind of like an interesting concept, but it’s very rooted in what works, and the way our minds work is that we often do have numerous things happening at the same time, right? 7:00 We have both/and. I love that both/and concept where I could be feeling two things at once. I could be feeling both pleasure and shame. I could be feeling both happy and sad. I could be feeling both excited and fearful. This is how our brains work. This is how we are. we’re multifaceted. And so, what we can do when we are experiencing shame around something is kind of examine it. Maybe not at a time when we’re right in it, but afterwards and say, “What was that about? What was coming up for me? Where did I learn the things that made me feel ashamed? Is that true to me today?” Because, really, what we’re trying to do here is reframe how whatever’s happened is working with you today. That’s one of the great things I love about coaching is it’s very forward facing. We want to look at, “All right, well, this is affecting you this way, and how could it be different?” Something that I see work is when we can bring that curiosity and compassion for ourselves, and I know it takes practice, but it can be done, and it’s so beautiful to see what can happen on the other side. 8:00 One of my clients shared with me — I loved how she would always call herself — she was a self-proclaimed prude, and she was very disconnected from her feminine energy, didn’t want anything to do with sex, and just was like, “Ugh, this feels like something I have to do.” Again, sometimes these things take time. There have to be shifts that happen in a lot of areas, and it takes time so be patient and compassionate with yourself, but I love how I got a message from her, and I love getting messages like this. She left a message on my voicemail, and she was like, “Um, I just had to let you know that I am now having the best sex of my entire life. I have never been happier,” and I love hearing stories like that. It reminds me of my own because I do recall when I did this work — I mean, I’ve worked a long time, and I did a lot of study, you know? I’m certified in this. I’ve done lots of education. I’ve done lots of different practices. I’ve spent hours and hours studying, doing my own thing, and doing my own practices – thousands of hours. 9:00 And also, what I found is (you don’t always have to spend this much time) on the other side of even just a few months of doing this work, I realized that the shame that I felt around sex just wasn’t there. And it was amazing, and I remember having an experience connecting with my husband, and we were just pushing our edges and having so much fun, and it was great. I know in the past when those kinds of things would have happened I would have felt maybe guilty or shamed or dirty afterwards, and I didn’t feel that way at all. I felt happy. I felt connected. I felt joyful. I felt alive. That is what can happen. That is what’s possible, and I love that because I think that can feel so far away for people, but it really doesn’t have to be. And so, I wanted to share this story as just a little ray of hope. If you are feeling that way or if you feel shame, I see it time and time again with my clients and my students that there is the other side, right? You can get to the other side. It is possible, and one of the ways it becomes possible is through practice and showing up for yourself. 10:07 I wanted to invite you if you are feeling called to explore what it could look like to create a sensual self-care practice that is nourishing to your body, that is nourishing to your soul, that is nourishing to your sexuality, then I invite you to join me in my Pleasure Foundation membership! The Pleasure Foundation is a place dedicated to your pleasure, your aliveness, your nourishing of your own self, and I am just thrilled. I have been wanting to launch this for years, and it’s finally here! If this is something that you’d like to learn more about, please check out www.amandatesta.com/tpf. This is a place where it is going to be gentle and fun and non-pressured, right? This is a place where you get to explore at your own pace, you are always in charge, and it’s also gonna be a hell of a lot of fun. So, if you’re interested, get your ass in here! We’re gonna be starting January 31st, and I would love to have you! You can find more, again, at www.amandatesta.com/tpf as in The Pleasure Foundation. Sending you lots of love! We’ll see you on the next episode!

WTF Does It Mean To Practice Pleasure?

January 23, 2023

WTF does it mean to practice pleasure? with Amanda Testa

WTF is a pleasure practice anyway, and why would I want to do one?

Listen in to this Minisode #4 of 6 as I share how a pleasure practice transformed one of my shitty days into a good one, what constitutes a pleasure practice, and how to deal with the fear around pleasure.

Missed the earlier Minisodes?Catch them here:Minisode #1: 80s Parties and Reviving Your Desire

Minisode #2: What to Do When Pleasure Feels Impossible

Minisode #3: Pleasure 101

_______________________________________________________________________________________

You’ll enjoy monthly Pleasure Rituals guided by me and my guests, as well as community support, live events, and much more.

Get more information and join us HERE!

Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts ,Stitcher or Spotify.

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

Amanda Testa is a trusted healer, coach, and guide who’s served hundreds of clients over the years with masterful skills in coaching, pleasure embodiment, and somatic trauma resolution.

We all have the ability to return to our blueprint of health, aliveness, pleasure and sovereignty, and you can too.

With her powerful, loving and gentle support her clients find their desire and pleasure again, find safety and bliss in their bodies, and remember they are enough just as they are.

Find out more about her new monthly Pleasure Membership HERE.

Want more support? Schedule a confidential 1-1 call with Amanda here.

Have a topic or question you’d like Amanda to address on a future episode? Submit it on this anonymous form.

If you liked this episode, please consider giving me a 5 Star Review on Apple Podcasts! It truly does help the podcast grow.

EPISODE 248: WTF Does it Mean to Practice Pleasure? Amanda Testa: Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast! We are back with minisode four of six. This is a small diversion from our usual podcast because I’m dropping in with four solo podcast minisodes on stories around fun and desire, and at the end of this episode, I’m going to invite you into a really fun experience, so tune in. WTF is a pleasure practice? People keep asking me, “What does this mean? Why? Why would one practice pleasure? What’s the purpose of it?” For those of you who have been following my podcast for a long time, you know, as a sex and relationship coach, I interview experts all the time on my podcast around how you tap back into your desire and how you get your libido back and all the things that we deal with in trying to find our feminine fire again. What I realize is in doing this work for almost a decade, and after thousands and thousands of hours of personal practice, and thousands of hours of coaching others and teaching others, something that I realize is one of the most important things about this work is the practice of it (actually doing the thing). It’s not always easy. 1:09 I’ll tell you, the other day I woke up, I had a terrible migraine, I was about to start my period any minute, I was grouchy AF (I didn’t sleep at all the night before), my neck was in a crick, I was just not in a good mood, right? It was one of those days where I was like, “Do not look at me. I might rip your head off.” [Laughs] So, I got up at 4:30 because I could not sleep and just decided I might as well get up. And so, I got up, and I was still feeling pretty grouchy, so I decided that I was going to do a little practice, and, granted, at this time of the day, I’m just getting up. I’m feeling a little lazy. I want to just hangout and snuggle the dog for a little bit. So, I usually do that, and then I just allowed myself to kind of move into, “What is it that I need right now? What is it that I really need?” 2:04 Well, number one, a good night’s sleep. But I can’t get that, so back to number two – what do I really need? I want to feel good in my body. Ugh, well, my neck’s killing me, and my body hurts, so that’s not gonna happen right now. Number three, it’s like, okay, these things may be true, but I know that I can tend to stay in a mood like this for a long time if I don’t do anything about it, and I don’t really feel good when I’m in this kind of a mood. I’m not really the kindest to my family when I’m in this kind of a mood. I’m snappy and grouchy. And so, I just allowed myself to journal for a bit, and then, the next thing I know, a couple hours had gone by. I ended up getting sidetracked doing some work here and there. I didn’t fully dive into my practice, but I was like you know what? It is what it is. Some days are like this, and then I realized I was still grouchy. My daughter woke up, and I found myself being short and grouchy, and I was like, okay, you know what? This isn’t cool. 2:58 I had planned on spending the whole day doing work, having quiet time to myself (because my husband was traveling), and taking care of some needs that I had and realizing, okay, you know what? It’s a snow day. My daughter will be home with me all day which is an amazing gift because I love spending time with her, and it’s okay that I also feel frustrated that I’m not gonna be able to get done what I need to get done. So, I decided to get her situated with some entertainment AKA a screen, and I was like you know what? This is gonna benefit us all if I just take some time and do a pleasure practice. So, what that looked like for me on this fair day was that I went into the bathroom and locked the door. The bathroom is my favorite place to do a practice because it’s the only door in the house that has a lock, but also because I love just to have that escape in the bath. I’m a Cancer. I don’t know. I love water. So, anyways, I get in the tub, and I just allowed myself to release, right? I cried and I cried and I cried, and I just needed to just let these emotions flow, and I cried, and I snuggled myself, and I cried some more, and then I just sat there and just let myself sit and let myself feel the warmth of the water and just be grateful that I’m able to take a warm bath and thankful for the water and thank you for all that made it possible that I could be cozy in that tub. 4:19 And then I got out, rinsed off in the shower, and then I just kind of gave myself a massage, right? I just intentionally took my lotion and rubbed it in with love and care, and I intentionally went slow so I could just be kind and nourishing to myself, right? That’s what a pleasure practice is about. It’s meeting yourself where you are. People think, “What’s going on here? What do we do?” What you do is you meet yourself where you are, right? You give yourself what you need in that minute. You take the time to slow down, to listen to your body, and to tune into what it needs. So, for me, what I needed was gentleness, slowness. I needed just presence, and I needed some alone time. And so, I created that environment for myself and, granted, this only took about 30 minutes from start to finish so it’s not like I was in there for hours, right? One show. My kid watched a show. I was able to take care of myself. 5:15 And when I emerged from that bathroom, I was a totally different woman, you know? I had a lot more patience, and I apologized to my daughter for being crabby and short, and she understood. She was also crabby because she wanted to be playing with friends and was mad no one wanted to drive in the snowstorm. And then we were able to turn it around, and the neighbors invited her for a playdate, so she got to leave and do some things, and I got to have my client calls without interruption, and it was great. Needless to say, when you can shift your personal experience, when you can shift your own physical state, it makes a difference in what happens around you, right? We often don’t give ourselves the permission or the time to do that, and I see this all the time with my clients, with my friends even, right? We have the best of intentions, but we don’t always do the thing, and I like to use a gym analogy because I think people get this. 6:05 You can read about the gym. You can learn about muscles. You can read about what happens when you go to the gym. You can read about the results people get when they go to the gym. You can listen to podcasts about working out. You can do all of these things. You can go hangout in the gym and just watch what people are doing. You can see what people are up to, right? But unless you’re actually lifting the weight or moving your body on a machine or taking a class at the gym, learning how to stretch, your body is not receiving the benefit, right? You’ve got to actually do the thing. The same thing happens when it comes to pleasure, right? You can read all the books, you can listen to all the podcasts, you can do all the things, but unless you’re actually making the time to do the practice, dropping in to be with yourself and your body and give it what it needs, then you aren’t gonna be able to get the same result, right? Of course, yes, you need to understand your body and you need to deal with all the things that are standing in the way, right? It’s not so easy, believe you me, I know. 7:07 And so, that’s why I created this pleasure membership because I know from my own experience and from thousands of clients that when you actually make the time to do the thing, you get the result on the other side of it, right? Just like going to the gym, on the other side of a practice you feel more connected to yourself, you feel more present, you feel more alive, you’ve got this little refreshed energy bubbling through you. One of the things that people often ask is, “Well, why don’t I just go to the gym? Why would I do a pleasure practice?” Well, the difference is, oftentimes, again, we always feel like we have to be productive. We always feel like we have to be doing something. We feel like, “If I’ve got free time, I need to make the most of it. So, if I’ve only got an hour, then I need to work out because that’s the only time I’m gonna have it and then I won’t get my exercise in.” That is true, but also, do you make time to be with yourself? Most of us don’t. Most of us don’t know what we truly need, what we truly enjoy, what our bodies want, what we need, and so, when you make that intentional time, it is amazing what happens on the other side if you give yourself that permission. 8:14 Again, as I mentioned in the last episode, when I first started doing this work, I was mortified. I was embarrassed. I get it, right? There is a lot of shame around our bodies. There’s a lot of shame around our sexuality. There’s a lot of shame around pleasure. Even that word itself can be very hard to take for some people, and that’s why I feel it is so important because, really, it’s all about just making yourself feel good, and that’s what it means to practice pleasure. It means doing the thing, sitting down with yourself. Here is the beauty. What does it look like? You show up, you’re on Zoom, no one even sees you or hears you because it’s webinar style when I teach class unless at the end you want to come on and ask a question or if you ever want to share, you’re always welcome to raise your hand and come on. Of course, if you don’t want to, you don’t even have to. 9:01 So, it’s very, very private, and basically, what I do is I lead you through a meditation. There’s a grounding process just to get situated into your space, and then there are some invitations of how you can tune into what your body needs and offer yourself what your body needs. So, it’s very much at your own level, and people take it on all kinds of levels, right? Maybe you will just relax and listen to it like a meditation. Maybe you want to dive fully into the breathwork. Maybe you want to just journal or draw during it. Maybe you want to touch your body. Maybe you want to have multiple orgasms. Whatever it is, right? There are levels of what you will do during your time, and you get to choose what that looks like. You get to be in charge. That’s the beauty of it. But it’s the intentional time set to learn something new, the intentional time set to just be with your own self to process emotions, to move through stress, to have fun, and to do it in a community that is supportive because that is the key, too, is that we have so much shame and guilt around taking time for ourselves, so much shame and guilt around pleasure, and when you can show up, claim that you’re taking this time for you, and be supportive in it, it’s amazing what happens to the shame. 10:09 It starts to dissipate, and I can tell you right now, I mean, I am a debutant from Georgia. I have had a lot of unlearning that I’ve needed to do over the years in many different areas, and if I can do it, you can do it. Anybody can do it, and it’s so funny because this is something I hear from my clients time and time again. One of my dear friends and clients, Jen, was just telling me, “What I always love about you is because, yes, I’m always nervous moving into something like this, and what I’ve realized is that I trust you, and I trust your leadership, right? And I feel like you always have the perfect practice to get me invigorated and ignited again, and immediately, your disarming and charming style welcomes and warms people to you, so it’s a unique talent that you can combine that vulnerability and also the warmth to help us have more connection to ourselves and to increase that self-care, that self-love piece.” 11:07 I think that’s one of the things that I just want to address is the shame or the fear, right? We’re always gonna have that show up when we try something new, and this isn’t for everyone, right? This isn’t for everyone, but the thing is that for the people that do want this, you are gonna love being able to have this supportive environment. Why is it worth it? Well, because from surveying past clients and students, some of the feedback people always say is they feel more self-love, they feel better in their body, they feel more relaxed, they feel more satisfied both alone and with a partner in intimacy, the feel more powerful, they feel more confident, they feel more creative because our sexual energy and our creative energy are so intertwined, they feel more connected to their bodies, they’re able to work through shame and guilt, they’re able to feel less pain, they’re able to feel more worthy, and they’re able to shift into a completely different state of mind for the better. 12:01 Like I was mentioning earlier on my story of being grouchy AF and turning that around through a 30-minute practice, and granted, I’ve done this work for so long. I’ve done thousands of hours of my own personal practice which enables me to have a really strong transmission which means if you’re in my presence, you’re gonna get the benefit even if you’re listening like a meditation, it’s like having that wisdom imparted through the intention, through the sacred space, through my voice, through the practice that you receive. So, even if you just show up, no matter what it looks like, you’re gonna receive something. So, these are the things that are possible, and it’s also not a magic pill, right? I can’t guarantee you anything, but what I can do is if you make a commitment to show up for yourself again and again, if you make a commitment to meet yourself with compassion and patience no matter what shows up, that is success. That is the key because what you’re gonna learn to do is meet yourself with compassion. You’re gonna learn to hold yourself if you have emotions come up. 13:00 You’re gonna learn to laugh your ass off and have fun. [Laughs] You’re gonna learn that you get to be celebrated in having pleasure. One of my students the other day posted about how, “I love that I was just able to take an hour for myself in the middle of the day, even when I had kids home from school, and just be able to drop into a breathwork practice, drop into relaxing and moving through some things, which I needed to, and I came out a totally different person.” That, my friends, is the beauty of this. That’s the beauty of this! And so, I just want to invite you. If you’re feeling called to explore what a pleasure practice can mean to you, what consistently showing up for yourself in a way that feels doable two times a month, that is doable for most people, right? If you can’t be there live, you can always watch the recordings. Sometimes people would prefer that. They want to watch the recordings on their own. But sometimes people want to be together, and, again, it’s so private. No one even sees you. It’s a webinar style on Zoom is how we meet, and it’s so much fun. I love, love, love. This is one of my favorite things in the world to do. 14:02 I have always been an instigator of fun, a leader of fun. I think in one of the personality profiles I did with Sally Hogshead I’m the people’s champion which means I love to gather people for a cause, right? This, my friends, is the cause of having more fun in your life, feeling more connected in your relationships, enjoying your life because, really, at the end of the day, that’s what it’s about. I love, love, love when I talk to clients and they’re just beaming because they feel so much more connected and happy in their life. That is what I love to see, and even if it’s just, “I’ve made a lot of strides!” I have been able to really overcome some horrible self-talk that I used to have around my body. Again, it’s just what’s possible when you commit to being loving and even if loving feels hard, just acknowledging what’s alive for you and being with it so you can move through it and have the invitation and be taught the ways how to do that through practice. 15:00 So, I would love for you to get your ass in here to The Pleasure Foundation and have some fun with me! We’re gonna be starting on January 31st! So, that is right around the corner, and if you are feeling called, please, you can check out more and learn more at www.amandatesta.com/tpf as in The Pleasure Foundation. You’ll find a lot more information. If there are more questions that you have, you can always reach out to me. Send me a DM on Instagram @abtesta if you have questions. I’m sending you lots of love. We’ll see you on the next minisode!

The 101 On Finding What Feels Good with Amanda Testa

January 20, 2023

The 101 on Finding What Feels Good

Want to know the concrete steps to finding your desire and pleasure again?

It starts with understanding what pleasure means to you. And making it easier to access with simple, practical steps.

Listen in to this Minisode #3 of 6 as I share more about the process to pleasure, and the steps I find most effective.

Missed the earlier Minisodes?Catch them here:Minisode #1: 80s Parties and Reviving Your Desire

Minisode #2: What to Do When Pleasure Feels Impossible

_______________________________________________________________________________________

You’ll enjoy monthly Pleasure Rituals guided by me and my guests, as well as community support, live events, and much more.

Get more information and join us HERE!

Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts ,Stitcher or Spotify.

complete transcript below

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

Amanda Testa is a trusted healer, coach, and guide who’s served hundreds of clients over the years with masterful skills in coaching, pleasure embodiment, and somatic trauma resolution.

We all have the ability to return to our blueprint of health, aliveness, pleasure and sovereignty, and you can too.

With her powerful, loving and gentle support her clients find their desire and pleasure again, find safety and bliss in their bodies, and remember they are enough just as they are.

Find out more about her new monthly Pleasure Membership HERE.

Want more support? Schedule a confidential 1-1 call with Amanda here.

Have a topic or question you’d like Amanda to address on a future episode? Submit it on this anonymous form.

If you liked this episode, please consider giving me a 5 Star Review on Apple Podcasts! It truly does help the podcast grow.

EPISODE 247: Pleasure 101 – Finding What Feels Good Amanda Testa: Welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. I’m your host, Amanda Testa, and this is a small diversion from our usual thing. I am dropping in with my third of six minisodes on stories about fun and desire and why pleasure is so foundational. So, at the end of this podcast as well, I’m gonna invite you into a really, really fun experience. So, here we go!

Today, I am diving into Pleasure 101. What does it really take? What is the process? Why is it gonna be so hard for us to feel pleasure, and what can we do about it? I just finished up a client session, and one of the things I love so much about doing this work is when clients say to me that they are feeling peace, that they feel pleasure, that they feel light, that they feel more present, that they feel more grounded, that they feel so much more able to move forward in their day with all the craziness that we have to endure in this day and age. There are a few things that can come into play, right? 1:00 I even know for myself; I remember when my daughter was born. She was about, I don’t know, a little over a year old, and I was so depleted, so exhausted. I remember tripping over this toy that she loved. It was this loud train thing, a plastic train that made all this noise when she pushed it around, and that thing, [Laughs] I tripped over it, and I was so irritated. I was like, “Agh,” kicking it out of the way, “I’m the only one that ever does anything around here!” You know, just feeling one of those moments, and I remember I looked into the mirror, and I was like, “Who am I?” I didn’t even recognize myself. I could not believe that I felt so disconnected and unhappy because I really wasn’t diagnosed with postpartum depression, but I had a lot of feels, right? The hormones just rage, and anyone who is a parent can attest. It’s not easy. Any birthing person could know it is not easy. And so, I remember just looking in the mirror and making a promise to myself that I would just do whatever it took to find myself again because I was doing all the things I thought were right! 2:06 I was eating well. I was exercising. I taught a workout class for moms, for goodness sake. I was very connected with my family and my husband and my daughter. Obviously, we had this sleeplessness and all of that to deal with but, overall, I thought things were going pretty good, so I couldn’t understand why I had just this disconnection to myself. And so, I just made a commitment to do all of the breadcrumbs. I was gonna follow all the breadcrumbs to find myself again. One of the things that happened across my path was a course with one of my mentors, Layla Martin, and I was like, “Well, this surely couldn’t hurt.” It was involved. Part of the process was working with the jade egg and kind of working to get your sexuality back. After having a kid I was like, “Well, that could certainly help!” I remember when I signed up I was so mortified. I was like, “Oh, god. Please don’t let anyone know I’m doing this. I am mortified,” A) that I feel like there’s something wrong with me, and B) that I have to take to class to learn about something that I should probably already know about. 3:06 And the third thing, you know, I was just embarrassed that people would think that I was weird or something, right? These are all the thoughts we think when we go to do this work around sexuality. It’s not easily approachable, and I just want to name that because so many people that I talk to are interested, and they have so much shame, and they are disconnected in their relationships, and they’re living a life where they’re not getting what they need in this area, but they are afraid to talk about it. They don’t feel comfortable reaching out, and I was that person, too. But I was like, “You know what? I’m just gonna be brave, and I’m gonna do this,” and, obviously, it changed my life so much to the point that I was like I need to teach other people about this! I need to scream it from the mountaintops. So, I got certified, and I’ve been studying this for a decade now because I am so passionate. I see how important pleasure is for people, how important this connection to ourselves is. In the previous two episodes, you’ll hear me talk a little bit more about why it can feel impossible and what things can do to bring you back to yourself. 4:06 But so many of us are kind of taught to martyr ourselves, so of course we don’t feel comfortable with pleasure. But I want to just share kind of a few different components that I think are important to address when you are looking to find more pleasure, okay? There are a lot of things, but I want to break it down because I feel like the easier you can dip your toe in the water, the better. So, the first thing is just strictly physically, right? So many of us have not learned our own anatomy. We don’t even know what our body parts are, and, again, I was just listening to a show on Netflix talking about people don’t really know the names of their anatomy. They don’t know the difference between a vulva and the vaginal canal and the clitoris, how it’s actually more like a wishbone and really large, and it’s not just the tip. 5:02 So, there’s so much there around the anatomy that you can learn to find out more about your own body and what brings you pleasure and how you want to relate to your genitals and what makes you feel comfortable there. Again, these are not easy things to do. So, you always want to drop in at a level that feels doable. Maybe it’s picking up a book. Maybe it’s getting out a mirror. Maybe you’re like, “Hell no, I’m not doing that for a while,” and that’s okay, right? But there are steps that you can take to kind of understand your own anatomy and be more comfortable with your body, right? There are tools that you can learn to kind of move through the emotions that feel hard, move through the shame, move through the residual layers that are standing in the way of you being able to enjoy your pleasure without shame, without guilt. Making time for sensual selfcare on a regular basis, and I talk about this a lot because I feel like these little microdoses of pleasure are so important where maybe five minutes you just breathe and just feel how warm the fireplace is on your skin or maybe you are really intentional about eating your lunch, right? These are ways you can do that. So, the physical is one component. 6:17 Then there’s also the energetic component of kind of understanding that our lifeforce energy, our aliveness, and our sexual energy are all connected, and you can actually cultivate this energy and allow it to expand, to move, to nourish you, and I think that’s one of the things that I was blown away by when I first started doing this work was I had zero clue that was even a thing. Now, when I learned it and I started practicing it, I was like, “Holy shit! This is insane.” You know, I used to need, like, three cups of coffee to get through my day, and I was like, “This practice makes me feel so alive! I have energy all day!” Granted, I was, at the time, sleepless with a baby who never slept until they were three years old. So, let me just tell you, [Laughs] that was not the easiest time, so I was definitely needing this energy, and I was like, “Man, this is like mother’s little helper with a healthy version of this.” So, you can learn to cultivate that energetic component. 7:12 Then, also, one of the things that I truly believe that makes our connection to our pleasure and our sexuality so important is that there’s also, I believe, a spiritual component, right? We are able to connect to and have this awareness of our divine nature simply by just being alive. We can unleash that power of simply being alive to help us to feel more confident and comfortable in our bodies, to be more accepting and kind to ourselves and our bodies, to feel a deeper sense of belonging and connection. There are ways to activate each of these things because we can systematically retrain our nervous system to release any blockages and limiting beliefs and become more pleasure positive. 8:04 I really do believe and I feel like it’s so important that every single body deserves pleasure. All bodies deserve pleasure, right? No matter what the size, all bodies deserve pleasure. Bodies that are trans, bodies that are non-binary, bodies that are gender-expansive, bodies that are Black or Indigenous or Latinx or of color deserve pleasure. All bodies deserve pleasure, and we need to learn to embrace our own bodies. Believe you me, I know it is not easy. It’s a journey. But there are steps you can take to get there, and I have made those steps, and I know how hard it can be because I struggled with eating disorders for about 15 years of my life. I hated my body for the majority of my life until I was probably in my 30s, and this work was so impactful there because I realized when we have more ability to love and embrace ourselves, we have more ability to love and embrace a collective, right? We see that we are part of something that’s really amazing, and we can see that connection more often. 9:10 And so, I do love that in the work that we’re doing, there’s so much to it, right? There’s so much to it, and I’m not the first person to say this, you know. I’m just standing on the shoulders of giants that have been preaching this for a long time, but I do just want to remind everyone that this isn’t a trivial thing. This isn’t a trivial thing. It’s painful when you aren’t able to access pleasure. It’s not easy when you aren’t able to get the connection that you want from your partner or from yourself. And so, the good news is there’s something to do about it, and the good news is it can be really doable and easy. I’m super excited because I am launching a pleasure membership. It is called The Pleasure Foundation. Again, I believe pleasure is foundational, and this is super exciting because this is gonna be a place where we can come together to celebrate what feels good, to actually be in practice together around connecting to what feels good. And we’ll do this through practices like breathwork and like pleasure practices. 10:13 Again, the beautiful thing about this work is I make it accessible at any level, no matter where you are. If you’ve never done anything like this or if you just want to deepen your current practice, this is the space for you, and that’s one of the things my clients always tell me is, “I just love the way you meet me where I am. No matter what, you can meet me where I am.” I’ve been doing this work for, like I said, a decade, and I’ve been professionally teaching and facilitating and coaching since 2015, and I value holding these collective spaces because there is a really beautiful remembrance when people come together to celebrate pleasure and to celebrate sensuality because it’s something that we aren’t able to do in very many places, right? [Laughs] 11:03 Our culture is not very supportive of women’s pleasure, hello! So, this is something that we can reclaim, and it’s super fun, and it can be really fun and accessible, and that’s what I really want to make it. I want to make it feel easy. I want to make it feel doable. I want to let you know that it doesn’t have to be scary, and, yes, maybe there’s a part of you that’s nervous or feels afraid, but that’s why there are tiers, and whenever I’m teaching or whenever I’m leading someone, I always give options, right? There are options. You come in, and I’m gonna let you know the way to do this that feels aligned to your own personal sovereignty because that, my friend, is number one more than anything else. No matter what my invitation is, it’s you listening to yourself and learning to listen to your body and learning to hear what it says, what it wants, what it needs, right? So, I’m super excited to invite you! I cannot wait. Oh, my gosh. This is my favorite thing in the world to do. It lights me up like nothing else, and we are gonna start on January 31st. I’m offering a special offer for everyone who signs up now. You’re gonna get it at a super huge discount. 12:09 So, you can find the sales page and find out more information at www.amandatesta.com/tpf (like The Pleasure Foundation). I hope to see you there! If you have questions, feel free to DM me. You can connect with me on Instagram @abtesta, and I can answer any and all questions or if you want to schedule a call, if you have some questions and you want to learn more, reach out. I’m excited to see you there! It’s gonna be super fun. Thank you so much for listening, wherever you are in the world. Sending you so much love, and we will see you soon!

What to do when pleasure feels impossible.

January 18, 2023

WHat to do when pleasure feels impossible.

Why does pleasure feel so hard sometimes?

Today I’m dropping in with another podcast mini-sode (minisode #2 of 6) on fun and desire. Today I’m jamming on why it feels so challenging to feel connected to pleasure, why its not your fault if you feel this way, and what you can do to invite in more of what feels good.

I believe that pleasure should be a priority and not an afterthought. It’s foundational. But our systems aren’t set up to support that, so it’s common for busy women to totally dismiss it.

Listen in to learn more about what to do to reclaim this important aspect of our health and well being.

(missed minisode 1? Listen here)

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You’ll enjoy monthly Pleasure Rituals guided by me and my guests, as well as community support, live events, and much more.

Get more information HERE!

Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts ,Stitcher or Spotify.

FULL TRANSCRIPT BELOW

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

Amanda Testa is a trusted healer, coach, and guide who’s served hundreds of clients over the years with masterful skills in coaching, pleasure embodiment, and somatic trauma resolution.

We all have the ability to return to our blueprint of health, aliveness, pleasure and sovereignty, and you can too.

With her powerful, loving and gentle support her clients find their desire and pleasure again, find safety and bliss in their bodies, and remember they are enough just as they are.

Find out more about her new monthly Pleasure Membership HERE.

Want more support? Schedule a confidential 1-1 call with Amanda here.

Have a topic or question you’d like Amanda to address on a future episode? Submit it on this anonymous form.

If you liked this episode, please consider giving me a 5 Star Review on Apple Podcasts! It truly does help the podcast grow.

EPISODE 246: When Pleasure Feels Impossible Amanda Testa: Welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa, and I’m doing a little small diversion from our usual thing because I’m dropping in with six solo podcast minisodes on stories about fun and desire and how that makes such a big difference in our overall ability to connect to our desire, whether that’s in our sexuality or just in general. If you didn’t catch last week’s, you’ve got to check in. You can check that out. It’s about how an 80s party helped me reconnect to my aliveness a few weeks ago, and I wanted to kind of talk a little bit more today around why it feels so challenging to feel connected to pleasure and why it’s so important, right? I truly believe that pleasure should be a priority and not an afterthought. It’s foundational, and when we can connect to what we want, our desires are our compass, right? When we can connect to what is good in our life it becomes easier in the future to connect to those things, just like if you have a daily gratitude practice, anything like that, it’s gonna help your brain kind of focus on what is good versus what’s not. 1:03 Granted, this is not a bypassing, but this is just an opportunity to kind of be holding what is good because that can often feel really hard for people, you know? When we are experiencing something that’s painful or joyful, whatever it is, both pain and pleasure are first received in the amygdala, the part of the brain that’s dedicated to emotional extremes, survival, and pleasure and pain originate in the nucleus accumbens that’s just below the level of thought. So, there are values that are placed upon sensation mingled with emotion and thought. So, when we have a sensation, it can trigger an emotional response which can trigger what we feel, whether we feel pleasure, pain, what the sensation is, how we register that sensation in our brain. The good news is that our brains are able to be rewired, right? We have that neuroplasticity, and we can rewire our brains to feel more pleasure, right? So, the more we engage in pleasurable experiences, the easier it is for our nervous system to default to regulation. What I see so often is that we love to over-schedule ourself. 2:00 I was talking to a friend the other day, and she was, meanwhile, driving home from dropping a kid off at some event and just talking about how she never has any time. She is constantly driving around for work. She is constantly doing things for her kids. She is constantly helping out at the kids’ school. She is constantly helping out her friends, helping out her family, helping out her in-laws, all the things. Who can relate? Now, having that kind of experience where you are constantly doing all the things, I mean, I know it can even happen to the best of a pleasure-seeker. We have cycles in our lives where that can be the case, right, where we totally just have no time, and it can feel really challenging because our culture is really not wired or set up for us to have leisure. It is not set up for pleasure. It is not set up for that kind of nourishing selfcare and, god, what an amazing world it would be if it were. But our systems are not set up for that. 3:02 What this can look like when I see people that are kind of struggling in this area where it feels like they are always busy and they can’t slow down, and, alternatively, if they finally do get a chance to slow down, they get sick or they can’t relax because there’s that constant niggling in the back of their mind that’s like, “Oh, man, I should be sending this email,” or, “I shouldn’t be sitting here playing Legos with my kid. I really need to fold the laundry,” and, “I shouldn’t really be sneaking out to have a date with my husband because I’ve got this call with my boss tomorrow and I need to prepare,” or feeling really anxious when there’s open space in the calendar. That can feel really challenging, feeling like you need to fill all the time in the day. And this can also show up when you, perhaps, always think you have to be doing. I think when you do have free time it can feel really hard because there’s that side of you that wants to be productive, that wants to be quote-unquote “good,” that wants to quote-unquote “do what’s right,” and when it comes to enjoying things like sneaking off for a little nooner with your partner, that can feel challenging to our brain. 4:14 It’s like, “Oh, man. That’s bad. There’s shame wrapped up in there from when I was a kid and my Sunday school teacher in eighth grade told me that if I held hands with a boy I was gonna go to hell or that time I was having dinner with my family, and they sat us all down because my sister, they found out she was having sex, and we all had to get the lecture on why sex is bad and we can’t do it because our lives will be ruined and we’d all go to hell and all the things.” We don’t think about it but these beliefs that we’ve picked up in our lifetime subconsciously show up as an adult, and this is why pleasure feels impossible for busy women. Again, it’s not your fault, right? It’s our culture. The culture is the villain. The culture is the villain, and this is why it becomes an afterthought. This is why it doesn’t feel like something that we are able to enjoy, the urgency culture that we live in, and it’s not just you. 5:06 So many of my clients struggle with this. I struggle with this. But we do have a choice on how to reframe our relationship with pleasure and to claim some space for what feels good, to practice sitting in those spaces and, even better, to do it with a community who has a similar idea, right? Because often we know we need to do the thing, but we don’t even know what the thing is! So, I’m super excited to announce that I have launched a pleasure program. This has been years in the making, and I am so thrilled to finally be able to offer this to you! I have been in this industry for almost a decade, and I have learned so many amazing tools and techniques and all the things, but what I want to do is to distill down kind of the most important basics, that you can show up regularly and be able to enjoy a practice just for you, a practice just to connect to your sensuality, just to connect to your pleasure, kind of like going to the gym, right? Going to the gym to learn how to lift weights, you’re going to The Pleasure Foundation to learn how to relish pleasure, how to enjoy more of your sensuality, how to be in your body, how to have fun, and it’s gonna be super accessible because (this I mentioned before) over-scheduling, it’s a real thing. 6:17 And so, what I often see with that, too, is we make these huge, grandiose plans for ourselves, and we want to do all the things, and, at the end of the day, we don’t get those things done, and we beat ourselves up and go in that downward spiral. So, the key here is doability, right? Making it reasonable, making it doable. To me, those kinds of steps forward are the most successful. So, it’s going to be very accessible. It’s going to be very doable. Just two practices a month. We can all do that, and it’s gonna be so much fun. So, I hope that you can join us. If you have questions about it, feel free to shoot me a DM! You can DM me on Instagram @abtesta. You can go to the website and check out more if you’re interested. It’s www.amandatesta.com/tpf (as in The Pleasure Foundation), and I hope to see you there! 7:07 Stay tuned because I’ve got a lot more juicy little minisodes coming, so you will have four more to come! So, stay tuned, sending you lots of love, and we will see you soon!

80s Parties and Reviving Your Desire with Amanda Testa

January 12, 2023

80s Parties and REviving Your Desire with Amanda Testa

Ever feel like you’ve just lost your mojo?

Sometimes a good dose of ole fashion fun can do the trick!

Listen into this mini-episode as I share about reconnecting to my desire thru an 80s party, and what you can do to invite in more fun and aliveness when you’re feeling down.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

You’ll enjoy monthly Pleasure Rituals guided by me and my guests, as well as community support, live events, and much more.

Get more information HERE!

Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts ,Stitcher or Spotify.

FULL TRANSCRIPT BELOW

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

Amanda Testa is a trusted healer, coach, and guide who’s served hundreds of clients over the years with masterful skills in coaching, pleasure embodiment, and somatic trauma resolution.

We all have the ability to return to our blueprint of health, aliveness, pleasure and sovereignty, and you can too.

With her powerful, loving and gentle support her clients find their desire and pleasure again, find safety and bliss in their bodies, and remember they are enough just as they are.

Find out more about her new monthly Pleasure Membership HERE.

Want more support? Schedule a confidential 1-1 call with Amanda here.

Have a topic or question you’d like Amanda to address on a future episode? Submit it on this anonymous form.

If you liked this episode, please consider giving me a 5 Star Review on Apple Podcasts! It truly does help the podcast grow.

EPISODE 245: 80s Parties and Reviving Your Desire – The Power in Simple Doses of Fun Amanda Testa: Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa, and I want to ask you when the last time was that you had so much fun that you just kind of lost track of time. You had so much fun. You laughed. You felt like yourself. For me, this actually happened a couple of weekends ago. One of my best friends had her birthday, and she decided for her birthday she wanted to have an 80s sleepover, and let me tell you, she does not leave any detail out. So, we got our 80s gear, and we met up at the Airbnb (she rented an Airbnb), and it had an amazing basement. So, just picture this: you walk in this beautiful Airbnb, you go downstairs and there’s a huge basement with a ping-pong table and a hangout area, and she had the karaoke machine setup and all the 80s posters on the walls, and it had a downstairs bar. 1:00 Literally, in the 80s, you’re in your friend’s basement because their parents let you hang out down there, and she even got on Etsy and got a couple of 80s games like Girl Talk and some kind of Mall Madness game, and we laughed our assess off, oh, my god. So, first thing’s first, of course, is getting ready together! Remember back in the day when you would all go to somebody’s house and get ready together and put your makeup on and listen to the music and, of course, the epic 80s soundtrack was in the background the entire night, and we had so much fun getting on our 80s clothes, and I have this great T-shirt that I got in the 80s actually, and I will never forget this because every summer we would go to the mountains, and it was this little town called Fontana in North Carolina, and we would go into Cherokee to go shop around and look, and we would always go to these little stores where they have fun T-shirts and everything that we love. 2:05 Anyways, so I remember there was someone there doing airbrushing, and I was dying for an airbrushed T-shirt, and my mom was like, “Hell no, I’m not buying you one of those tacky things.” Let me just preface that I grew up in very conservative Southern Georgia. But I wanted this Airbrushed T-shirt so much, and I remember it was probably kind of expensive. It was, like, 40 bucks which was a lot of money back then. I just really wanted it so badly, and I was all sad, and my grandmother, Gran Gran (my dad’s mom), she was like, “I’ll get you that T-shirt, and it was the best. So, picture this: it’s an airbrushed Amanda, pinks and teals, and then the airbrushed image is a panda, and it says “Amanda” underneath it, and it’s one of those T-shirts that’s got the frayed edges. The edges were frayed, but I needed it to be a little more bedazzled, so to speak. So I got beads, and I put teal and pink beads on the shreds of material. So now, not only is this a T-shirt of fabulousness with airbrushed Amanda Panda, as well as beads so when I moved it would swish together and click and clack, and I was probably ten or eleven years old, and I thought I was the cat’s meow, let me tell you. 3:18 So, because I loved that T-shirt so much, it has remained in the costume bin. So, for the 80s party, I whipped out my Amanda Panda T-shirt, which, by the way, now is a crop top. [Laughs] It barely holds my boobs in, but I have the Amanda Panda crop top on and some sparkly hot pink hot pants and leg warmers and all the things. My hair was super hair-sprayed up. It was so much fun. We laughed, we told stories, we danced our assess off, we did karaoke, and let me tell you, I have not had that much fun in so long. It was so needed. Oh, my god. My soul just felt like it came back online a little bit, and I don’t know about you out there, but if you have been through a challenging time (or even just in general, these past few years have been rough), I find, for me, it was just like having that moment to just drop in and be with my friends to laugh. That brings me back to who I am inside, right? 4:12 I’m wondering if you can relate to that. Maybe you and your friends have something that you do or times that you’ve gotten together and just laughed your assess off. Maybe you want more of that, and I can tell you right now that, for me, it just reinspired my joy of having fun, my joy of having fun. Growing up, my dad always told me that I was a balloon looking for a party, and it’s true, right? I love a good time, and I will not shy away from going to find where that fun is, and I think throughout my life it’s easy to get disconnected from that because we can so easily think — or at least for me, I was very much taught work hard, play hard, right? When you work, you’re working, you put your head down, you’re grinding, you’re moving, you’re doing, you’re just getting things done. Then, once you’re done with the un-fun stuff, then you get to do the fun stuff, right? So, it’s either/or, and I love to invite weaving in. What if you could weave in more business and pleasure together? 5:05 What if you could weave in more fun to whatever you’re doing to make it more enjoyable, right? And so, this, my friends, is why I am so committed to inviting fun people to do fun things, and I am super excited because I am launching my pleasure membership! This thing has been years in the making. I’ve been wanting to do this for so long because what is one of my favorite things to do? Fun people doing fun things and doing practices where we can engage in something fun together is so key. And so, what The Pleasure Foundation is is a membership where you will get to join me virtually, twice a month, for a fun pleasurable activity. Maybe it’s breathwork. Maybe it’s a pleasure practice. Maybe it’s a dance party. Whatever it is, it’s gonna be lit, it’s gonna be fun, it’s gonna invite the most fun part of you to come online, to invite who you really are to come online. So, I hope you will join me. 5:57 The Pleasure Foundation is starting this month! So, you can find more at amandatesta.com/tpf (like The Pleasure Foundation). Better yet, invite your friends to join, too, because, obviously, when we’re having a good time, it’s more fun when we do it with our friends, right? [Laughs] Like the 80s sleepover? It would have been fun by myself, but it was way better to have six girlfriends there, laughing our assess off, having the best time in the photo booth. You’ll have to check out my Instagram. I put up some good pictures of my 80s attire. You can actually see the Amanda Panda shirt in action if you go to my Instagram @abtesta. So, check it out, and thank you again for listening, and I hope you will join me in The Pleasure Foundation. We will see you next week!

What It Really Takes To Heal From Betrayal with Kylene Terhune

January 9, 2023

How to Heal from sexual betrayal with kylene terhune

In this episode, I’m talking with Kylene Terhune, the CEO and founder of the Phoenix Transformation Project, on what it really takes to heal from betrayal.

Kylene is both a functional diagnostic nutrition practitioner and NLP life coach supporting women who’ve experienced sexual betrayal trauma, and in this episode, Kylene shares her personal story of betrayal, and what has supported her healing.

Thru her experience, she wove together the BEST information that she received over the past few years including her experiences with trauma therapy, sexual betrayal podcasts, books, betrayal and addiction resources, various certification programs and practitioner trainings to help you avoid the fluff and get right into the meat of recovery so you can support yourself holistically as you move through the healing process from Day 1.

Listen in as she shares the steps to recovery, and how you can support yourself or a loved one who is dealing with betrayal.

Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts ,Stitcher or Spotify.

Complete transcript below.

In this episode you’ll discover

Kylene’s personal story that led her to this work. What is required to recover when healing from sex addiction, and what both partners need to do regardless of if they choose to stay together or not. Why you need more than just talk therapy to heal and address the root and subconscious issues.Understanding how the trauma of betrayal affects relationships.Why an open heart and willingness to feel painful emotions are important in the recovery process.How to support someone going thru betrayal, and what NOT to say.and much more!

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

Kylene Terhune is the CEO & Founder of the Phoenix Transformation Project where she works as a Functional Diagnostic Nutrition Practitioner supporting women who have experienced sexual betrayal trauma.

She helps her clients with a unique, whole body approach that involves the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual aspect of the individual. This work includes functional lab work, nutrition, lifestyle, emotional work, nervous system support and more to assist women in feeling more complete, grounded, safe, independent and confident in their health and in their bodies.

As a successful functional health coach for 6 years Kylene has received additional education in trauma and it’s impact on the body through the Trauma Healing Accelerated courses: Biology of trauma: energy, overwhelm and freeze, Biology of trauma: brain health and Biology of Trauma : Immune system. She is also a member of the Biology of Trauma Health practitioners directory.

She has additional experience with somatic work and nervous system support, emotional work and habit change, and has completed a 12 month abuse-informed provider certification training from the Give Her Wings Academy.She also has certifications in NLP, NLP life coaching, QTT and hypnosis.

If you are interested in working together please email KyleneT@MyBalancedBiome.life.

You can follow Kylene On TikTok @kyleneterhune or on Instagram @kyleneterhune or via her Facebook page Recover U.

Want more support? Schedule a confidential 1-1 call with Amanda here.

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EPISODE 242: with Kylene Terhune [Fun, Empowering Music] Amanda Testa: Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a sex, love, and relationship coach, and in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex, love, and relationships, and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome! _______ Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. I’m your host, Amanda Testa, and I’m very excited today because I am going to be talking with a dear friend and amazing coach, Kylene Terhune, and she actually has such a breadth of wisdom and knowledge, and I really love how she is just so authentic in living her truth and sharing from a place to wholeness and just realness. So, thank you, first of all, for all you are and all you do, as well as on a professional level, she’s the CEO and founder of the Phoenix Transformation Project where she works as both a functional diagnostic nutrition practitioner and NLP life coach supporting women who’ve experienced sexual betrayal trauma. So, thank you, first of all, so much for being here today. 1:00 Kylene Terhune: Thank you for having me, Amanda! Just so everybody knows, you were a part of my recovery process, too. So, thank you for everything that you did for me through that process. I really appreciate you so much. Amanda Testa: You’re very welcome. Well, obviously, the topic we’ll be talking today around is around sexual betrayal trauma, and so, I just want to invite you too, as we dive into this, to maybe just take a breath or two, and if there’s anything that you need to feel a little more comfortable as we talk about this because it actually is a very common thing. And I don’t think I’ve talked about this on the podcast in a while, and I just really want to make sure to share resources of ways to support yourself if you find yourself in this situation. Kylene, I’d love if you wouldn’t mind sharing a little bit of your story and kind of what led you to be so passionate about this work. Kylene Terhune: Yeah, absolutely. So, as is often the case, I ended up here because of personal experiences in my life. So, in January of 2021, I was living my best life, or so I thought. 2:03 I had a thriving coaching practice. I was doing really well with my business partner, and we had just done this huge launch. I mean, this was like the top, at this point, of my career, and it was going well. Right after that launch, (literally, it was about a week after or so) I was sitting down to do a budget with my husband, and I woke up that morning, and I was so excited about doing this budget. I was like, “This is gonna be good for us,” right? We’re gonna make it fun, we’re gonna hang out on a Saturday morning, and he had printed out all of these charges so that I didn’t have to go into the accounts, right? Like, that’s so nice. [Laughs] And I thought, “Oh, this is really cool.” We started canceling all these recurring charges and, really, long story short, this led to me discovering some things when I went into his phone and tried to find where an app charge was coming from. It was, like, a fitness app, and I was trying to figure out how to cancel it, I saw all these deleted apps that I was like, “Whoa, what are those?” They just did not look appropriate. 3:00 And so, he immediately denied that he had anything to do with them or didn’t know what they were, didn’t know how they got on his phone. You know, makes no sense, right? How does something end up on your phone that you’re not aware of, right? But, at the time — and you have to understand, we had been together almost ten years, we had been married almost eight, and, up to this point, I had absolutely no reason not to trust anything that he said to me. There was, in my mind, with my understanding at the time, no red flags. I would never think that this person would lie to me, so, of course, I give him the benefit of the doubt because after that long together, what are you gonna do, right? So, this was the very tip of the iceberg of kind of discovering over the next few days and weeks that he began to confess after all of this started to come out. I pushed a little bit. I asked a lot of questions. I was like, “This doesn’t make sense. Why were you downloading these?” Because that eventually came out that, no, it was a choice that he was making. Oh, they were being advertised a certain way. “Well, wait, you’re telling me they were advertised as dating apps? Why are you downloading dating apps? Okay, well, you downloaded them but you didn’t message people? Wait, that’s not true.” 4:06 So, you know, that was like the beginning of the unraveling, or what I call — I relate it to The Truman Show where the light fell out of the sky and you begin to realize that that’s not the reality that you were living in. Actually, I watched that movie as I was going through this process, and I was so emotional watching it because I think it’s such a brilliant description or depiction of how you feel during betrayal trauma and how the pieces start to come together. It’s really an incredible demonstration of that. And so, long story short, he began to confess what had been going on which I was absolutely shocked and devastated to find out was over ten years of a cybersex addiction that had progressively gotten worse over time. And so, then, I was, all of a sudden, going from this relationship that I thought was totally healthy and we were on the same page into this, oh, my gosh, my husband is an addict. And he’s freaking out, he’s confessing, he’s crying, and he’s overwhelmed, and so, I have to go into caretaker mode immediately all while I’m trying to figure out what the heck just happened to my marriage. 5:11 And so, that was a huge process of learning about addiction, understanding that what I was experiencing was a tremendous trauma and a shock to me, and then, thankfully, my husband, before I found out, wanted to recover and had tried multiple different ways to do so on his own. And once it came out into the light, we were able to get him the support and the healing resources that he needed, and he jumped into those immediately. And so, I’m really thankful that he had that perspective and mindset because he really did all the things to recover. Now, we are coming up on two years in recovery, and he’s done really, really well, and it was a very (I will not understate it) painful process for both of us, but we’re doing really well now, and now I work with women, and he runs support groups for men, and, yeah, so, that’s a very condensed version but that’s kind of how it all came out and what happened in a few short minutes. 6:11 Amanda Testa: Yeah, well, first of all, I appreciate you sharing that, and I know that’s one of the things that can be really hard is to be vulnerable about the truths that — I think sex addiction and porn use and all of those things can kind of have such a taboo around them that people won’t talk about it, right? And so, they aren’t necessarily aware of what may be causing it, what they can do about it. And so, I just really appreciate you for being so brave and courageous and sharing your story and creating this work because it’s important. Kylene Terhune: Thank you, and, I mean, that is part of the healing journey, right? Because a few days into it or even quite a while into it, it was still hard for me to share my story. When I initially went to support groups and then you go around the room and it came to the all eyes on me, my whole body would flush, and I would get so nervous, and that’s the thing. Women feel this shame about this process that they find themselves in even though we didn’t have anything to do with those decisions, right? 7:09 But it’s so embarrassing to say, “Oh, my husband’s a sex addict.” Like, wait, what? I didn’t even know much about this world until I discovered that it betrayed me. So, part of the healing process is dealing with all of those beliefs and those insecurities and those fears and everything that was so triggering through this process and talking more and more about it because, with addiction and betrayal, I think healing comes when you step into the light. And so, when you step into the light, the more you talk about it, the freer you become, and I realized a couple weeks ago when someone asked me how I got into this work, and I immediately said, “Well, it’s my personal story,” and I had no reaction whatsoever, I was like, “Oh, my gosh! That’s so amazing!” Amanda Testa: That’s amazing! Yeah! It’s so true, and like you’re saying it’s like, you know, shame, too, thrives in the shadows, in the darkness, and bringing it to the light and talking about it is so healing, and it can give you, then, the opportunity to look at it and see, “Okay, what’s happening, and what do I do?” 8:06 And so, I’m curious for you, too, when you are supporting people that have had this experience, what are some of the steps they can take? What would you say are some of the most important things? Kylene Terhune: From the side of the addict or the side of the betrayed partner or both? Amanda Testa: I would love if you would be okay to share a little of both. That would be amazing. Kylene Terhune: Yeah, well, what I found really fascinating through this process is discovering that the healing path for both people is very similar, and I find that really interesting because when it all came out (and I think this is a really common response for a lot of us) is sort of, like, “Screw you. This is your issue. You figure it out.” Now, to be fair, that’s true. [Laughs] Right? It is their responsibility. They have to take responsibility and they have to do the work. However, because this is a trauma for you, it does become really important, at a certain point, that you pursue healing because if one of you or the other (and it really, at this point, doesn’t matter which one) is not pursuing healing and one is, then at some point in the relationship, there’s gonna become a real issue because you’re not in the same place, and you’re not gonna be able to communicate well, and you’re not even gonna be able to move towards the same goals because trust isn’t being built. 9:16 So, when I was learning about the healing processes, I was like, oh, wow, there’s a ton of overlap, and so, really, what that means for the addict is there’s a specific CSAT therapy (that’s Certified Sex Addiction Therapy) that we recommend, and the point of that is really to help the addict understand the emotional wounds, the triggers, the trauma, and the beliefs about themselves that they created out of these experiences that, then, led them to self-medicate by this compulsive behavior. And when they can do that and when they can actually address the root, the wounds, the emotions, the triggers, the trauma, the behaviors, then, can change as opposed to sometimes recovery models are more behavior-focused and they end up in this sobriety white-knuckling circle that is really struggling for eternity. They feel like they can’t — it’s the gerbil wheel, right? Or the hamster wheel. 10:13 Amanda Testa: Yes, yes, the hamster wheel. Kylene Terhune: It’s really hard to get off of that because the actual trigger and the pain is not addressed. And so, I always recommend when people are looking for a CSAT that they also find one that does an external trauma modality outside of talking, whether that’s EMDR or brain-spotting, or some sort of trauma work because when you can work on the subconscious mind and the beliefs and the emotions that are — that’s where they’re stored, and so, if you’re spending all this time talking in the conscious, and you’re not crossing that barrier into the subconscious, you are really missing an opportunity to do the deeper work that helps you to feel the freedom and the release from that wound, from those experiences. Amanda Testa: Yeah. Kylene Terhune: So… Amanda Testa: That’s huge. Kylene Terhune: It’s huge, huge, huge, and I try to talk about that a lot because I think that it’s missed a lot. People willingly go into talk therapy or things like that to try to work on their patterns and their habits, but when it’s only pattern- or habit- focused, they feel stuck so often because of this underlying issue. 11:12 Amanda Testa: Right, I think that’s important to note, too, because people do — I mean, I think there are so many benefits to talk therapy. It’s a great modality. Kylene Terhune: Absolutely. Amanda Testa: But also, there is so much under the surface that subconscious patterning needs to be addressed and also working with what’s in the body because, like you say, until you get to the root, things are gonna just kind of keep showing up in different ways. You’re never gonna be able to fully integrate and move forward. Kylene Terhune: Right, well, and you do want to be careful. You just mentioned something really important: showing up in different ways. So, does it actually turn into a co-addiction of some sort where they just shift the behavior but they’re still self-medicating in a different way? That can also be a pattern or they can be stuck in the same pattern of trying to be sober but never actually getting into full recovery. So, it could be either one of those things, but the real issue is that they continue to struggle as opposed to becoming released from it. 12:00 So, the process, essentially, if you really want to simplify it, is it’s CSAT therapy with a trauma focus, processing those emotional wounds plus group support, and the reason that that is really important is because the opposite of addiction is community, and so, when you have the combination of the two — and I will add a third piece, and that is a willing part. So, if somebody is not fully invested in the process, then it won’t work. It doesn’t matter how many therapy sessions you go to, they have to want it. Then, the piece we just talked about, they have to be willing to feel pain in order to reach the other side, and you have to understand, their whole habit pattern, their whole process is numbing that pain. They’re not used to feeling anxiety. They’re not used to feeling depression. They’re not used to feeling a lot of these things because their addiction actually has preempted those emotions to some extent because they’re self-medicating, and they’re getting these dopamine hits, and they’re getting this chemical cascade in their brain. The rough thing about process addictions as opposed to substance addictions is that your body is actually creating the drug. 13:05 So, that is really tough. So, having the trauma addressed, a heart that is willing, and having that community really is, ultimately, the process. When you have all of those things, I like to say recovery is almost inevitable when you have that, but if one piece of that is missing, then relapse is often inevitable. And so, really being willing to go through the difficulty and commit to the process and having the heart that’s fully invested and willing to respect boundaries and do all these things, you’re gonna get into recovery when you do that. Amanda Testa: I love, too, how you said a willing part because I know that’s a big piece is the willingness, right? Because if you — for you, and even an example like what helps someone build towards forgiveness and reuniting versus ending things, right? I think, too, I personally believe relationships have cycles and seasons and they all serve purposes, but if there is the commitment to want to work things out, then that willingness is so key on both parts, like you said. 14:04 Kylene Terhune: Yeah, I mean, I see a lot, like I said, that dichotomy of — or what, what’s the word I’m looking for — they’re going against each other, where one person is trying to recover, and the other person is not (for whatever reason, they’re staying stuck, right?). And sometimes that happens on the betrayed spouse’s side where they just don’t, for whatever reason, know that it’s available, which that’s okay, but once you know it’s available, you’ve got to pursue the healing work. You have to because whether or not you choose to stay with your current spouse or you separate, I care more about your mental, emotional, and physical health than I do about your marriage, but it doesn’t matter if your marriage survives, you still have to do the recovery work because if you don’t, you take it into the rest of your life, and that, then, becomes the filter that you view every experience from. You’re gonna view men differently. You’re gonna view relationships differently. You’re gonna hold onto self-worth issues and body image issues and all these triggers and traumas that were created because of this experience if you’re not committed to your healing. 15:06 Now, if you choose to stay with your partner, that is non-negotiable. You’ve got to do the healing work [Laughs] because it’s just not gonna work, right? The trust is destroyed when this happens. It’s absolutely destroyed. It’s shattered. You don’t know who this person is. You have no idea who you’re in a relationship with, that you were the most vulnerable with. You’ve shared your emotions. You’ve shared your body. You’ve shared your life, right? Here is this person, and that’s why betrayal is such a different trauma is because it comes from the person that you are sharing life with, that you trust the absolute most to protect you and to love you and to do life with you, and coming from that person, it creates a different trauma in your body that’s just really, really tough. So, back to what it takes to heal (which was your original question), it’s the same type of process. So, you go into trauma work, as the betrayed partner, to deal with what? 16:01 To deal with the emotions and the wounds and the trauma that was created through this experience, and what happens when we have trauma experiences is we create beliefs, we create limiting beliefs or decisions about who we are. Now, some really common ones that come out of this one is that it’s somehow my fault or that I’m not good enough or I’m not pretty enough or if I had just done this more or XYZ, fill in the blank of your biggest insecurity. And you’re gonna have emotional triggers, visual triggers, audio triggers, whatever, as you’re going through life experiencing this if you’re not addressing it, and that won’t go away unless it’s intentionally worked on. Unfortunately, this isn’t something that time heals all wounds; this is something that takes more intention. So, for the betrayed spouse, it’s a very similar — oh, did you… Amanda Testa: I was just gonna say I appreciate you naming that. We, so often, want this immediate fix, but it doesn’t happen that way, right? Healing doesn’t happen that way, yeah. Kylene Terhune: I wish! [Laughs] 17:03 Amanda Testa: Wouldn’t it be amazing? We’re like that’s why people want a pill but there is no pill! Kylene Terhune: You know, I wish I could have supplemented my way out of this. I mean, that’s a thing, right? I was doing all the things. As a functional medicine practitioner, I knew. I had maybe a little too much awareness of what the level of stress I was under would do to my body, and I was super worried about it. [Laughs] I don’t think that helped. But no, I mean, I was doing all those things. I was trying to help my physical health. I was trying to set boundaries. I was trying, but I didn’t really understand the world I was living in, and I needed that help. So, working with someone that’s very familiar with betrayal trauma specifically and, again, I always encourage that they have an external trauma modality because when we create these beliefs of I’m not enough, I’m not worthy, my body is not good enough, or I don’t love myself, or I’m unlovable or unwantable or whatever it is for you, if we’re just gonna talk about it, unfortunately, that can have this effect of deepening that neurological pathway where you actually believe it more and it becomes more painful, the exact opposite of what you’re trying to do. 18:05 But if you have an external trauma modality where you can work on the subconscious level and you can actually process the pain and file it in a healthy way, then you can begin to, then, move forward and release it and view it in an appropriate way. So, I was talking to someone earlier about triggers, for example, and here’s a really good example of what healing looks like. Triggers, for me, when you go through the healing process, they become fewer and further between, first of all, but then there’s a really big difference in how they affect your body when you are in recovery. So, when you’re not in recovery, it really impacts your entire body, and it activates your nervous system. You’re gonna feel flush, you’re gonna get that fight or flight, right? Everybody listening probably understands what a trigger feels like. So, you have that reaction. In recovery, when that part of you is healed or mostly healed or really worked on significantly, now my quote-unquote “triggers” are more like a thought will pop up into my head. It’s more like a thought process. 19:09 I’ll kind of think about it, but there’s no physiological response, and I think that’s because of so much of the healing work that I’ve done. And I think when you have triggers that still pop up, that’s just a reflection of something that’s unhealed at this point that still needs to be addressed and worked on. So, doing that trauma work on that level, releasing the limiting beliefs and processing the emotions, identifying and understanding the triggers and what’s underneath those as they come up is really important. Then, for the women, too, it’s the same process. You get involved in support groups so that you can feel seen and heard and validated in your story and so that you can speak your voice and share your story over and over and over again so that it gets out of your body and you feel less and less shame about it, and that’s really hard. It’s really hard, and I do always want to caution people with support groups. 20:00 You don’t want to stay in a support group that’s just, like, man-bashing because that’s a tendency, too, right? Like, let’s just sit here and hamster wheel our stories and talk about how bad they are and how much pain. It’s important to talk about, and it’s important to share with people that understand because a lot of times what is very unfortunate is family members or friends may not fully understand what you’re going through and may not offer safe support for you or anything that feels really helpful, and some may not understand at all but be really empathetic. So, it’s kind of finding those people, but when you’re in a support group of women that have similar shared experience, it’s just a different world, and it’s very validating. So, it’s a very similar process. And then as you go through, you become more and more self-aware, and, again, that crosses between the addict and the betrayed. Become more and more self-aware of what your emotions are and also what’s underneath them and also communicating them and getting them out so you can process them and work on that. That’s a real short summary of, kind of, what it looks like, and it’s very similar for both parties. 21:03 Amanda Testa: And I think, too, like you’re saying, and just, too, when you’re looking for support, that’s the thing with finding non-judgmental people sometimes, right? Because your friends love you, your family loves you, but they may not have that deeper understanding, and they probably are doing the best they can with the tools they have but it might not always be what you need. Kylene Terhune: Right, well, and when someone hasn’t experienced it, they may not understand it. They may not understand how traumatic it is for you. Amanda Testa: Yeah. Kylene Terhune: Even if you’re using words that are very dramatic, they may not understand it, and so, people have very, and I mean, opposite-ends-of-the-spectrum responses to you sharing your story, and I actually talk about this in my course, What’s Next, which is for the women who just discovered this in their lives because it is important to kind of figure out who do you find that is a safe person to talk to because it’s very unfortunate that not everyone is a safe person, and the reason is just what you said: they don’t all express empathy. 22:00 When you’re going through a trauma, it can be incredibly painful to have someone accidentally say something that drives the hurt deeper because they don’t understand. Amanda Testa: Yeah. Yeah. Kylene Terhune: You can test out your relationships a little bit, but as you kind of work through them you’ll find out who those people are. Amanda Testa: And I remember hearing you share once, too, just about the unkind things people say even to the betrayed person, right? It’s horrible. The things you shared, I’m like, “Oh, my goodness!” Kylene Terhune: I know, sometimes people will say, “Well, you should have just had more sex with your husband,” or, I mean, even little things like if it’s particular to your story and they don’t understand the impact that that has on you, right? Like, I was really upset when I found out that when Patrick would act out he would sometimes take off his wedding ring. That was really hurtful to me, and when I shared that with someone, their reply was, “Well, that’s because he loved you.” And I was like how is that a helpful comment, first of all? Because, to me, that sounds like you’re defending his behavior, not empathizing with me, and what I’m trying to share is that my heart is breaking and that my husband was taking off a symbol of our commitment to each other when he was cheating on me. I don’t understand how that’s not coming across. [Laughs] You know? Amanda Testa: Yeah. 23:12 Kylene Terhune: So, things like that can be incredibly hurtful. Amanda Testa: Yeah. Kylene Terhune: The reality is someone doesn’t even have to understand. There are other people that are just empathetic. Amanda Testa: Right. Kylene Terhune: And those people will say, “What do you need? How can I support you?” Or they’ll just listen, and sometimes that’s all you need. Amanda Testa: Yeah, and I think that’s good just to reiterate. What if a friend or loved one or someone in your family comes to you with something like this? What would be the best way to respond, right? Kylene Terhune: Yeah, honestly, I think it’s just asking, “How can I support you? What do you need?” because everyone’s gonna be in a little bit of a different situation, and a lot of it would be — I think one of the nicest, kindest, most supportive things you can possibly do is to reach out to someone consistently when you find out that this has happened. So, if you put an alarm in your phone or something like that, that every two days or every week or something like that, periodically, you send a text, and you go, “Thinking of you. How are you doing?” 24:05 That would be so nice and really just, for the person that receives that, would make them feel so thought of and loved in a time when they are questioning everything about their life and feeling, in a lot of ways, unloved. Amanda Testa: I love that, and I think, too, I’m curious when it comes to — so you’ve kind of created this program, What’s Next, for those that are just kind of like, “What the fuck just happened?” Excuse my language. “What happened? What happened?” Then going, from there, like, okay, so, here’s how you can start to wrap your head around what’s going on and start to get the support for yourself and your partner. Kylene Terhune: Yeah, so, What’s Next is really the take-at-your-own-pace course that’s really designed for women who just discovered that their husband is a sex or porn addict, and it really provides trauma education so that they can understand what’s happening in your body and so that you can learn how to set healthy boundaries and establish safety. I didn’t really talk about that in the healing process, but, for the betrayed partner, establishing safety is really the foundation of recovery. It’s really, really important. 25:07 So, I talk about that a lot in the course and something that you can do. So, if you have a partner that is participating, they play a part in that process. If they’re not, you have to do some of this stuff on your own because getting your nervous system in a place where it feels safe is the only way that, long-term, you’re gonna be able to recover and heal. So, establishing that is really important. Then, I also do addiction education as well in the course so that you understand the brain a little bit more, and this is important so that we have empathy and compassion while not excusing the behavior, you know? We don’t lump all of that in. It’s still wrong, it’s still hurtful, and when we understand the addiction, it just brings a different layer of knowledge to the equation so that we can understand kind of what’s happening in the big picture. Then, I also walk them through what does the therapeutic process look like and how can they get connected to safe people. How can you create a team that really works for you to help you through this process, to get on the path of recovery and kind of laying that foundation in a strong way moving forward. 26:10 Amanda Testa: Yeah, beautiful. And, you know, you mentioned earlier, too, how being a nutritional practitioner, you have all this experience on how to take care of yourself, too, while you go through it which I think is also probably important, to not neglect those things which is sometimes so hard when you’re in the throes of trying to move forward after a really traumatic event. Even doing those small things to take care of yourself can feel impossible sometimes. Kylene Terhune: Oh, my gosh, yes, because there are so many times, when you’re dealing with the nervous system, you’re either up in fight or flight, and that takes up so many nutrients and so much energy and so many reserves that your body has that, then, it’ll drop down into overwhelm, and in overwhelm, you’re feeling tired, you’re in freeze, and you’re feeling like reaching over there for that glass of water is just too hard or getting out of bed today seems overwhelming to me. I was there during this recovery process. There were days where it was just really hard, and that is just a reality of the process as you go through it. 27:05 So, that’s one of the reasons I’m so passionate about educating, about the nervous system, and about what happens and how you can get connected to the right resources as quickly as possible so that you can shorten that as much as possible. One of the things we can do is be conscientious about the amount of sleep that we’re getting, about creating safety so that we can create a little foundation for ourselves to have that space and that safety, to make sure that we are bringing nutrients in and feeding our bodies in a way that replenishes the nutrients that all this stress is literally gobbling up for us. I mean, magnesium is just one major example of it’s used in so many parts of the body that as soon as we’re stressed out, I mean, that is getting used up. [Laughs] Amanda Testa: Yes. Kylene Terhune: So, that happens across the board, and if we can make the effort, in whatever way we’re currently capable of, to bring that nourishment in on multiple different levels, it can really help our body through the process. 28:02 Amanda Testa: I think, too, that’s the beautiful thing about understanding the nervous system is that you can just have more of an awareness of what’s going on and then kind of learn how to work with it, right? Mm-hmm. Kylene Terhune: Yeah, I mean, when we were working together, it’s amazing to me that so many different modalities can really help your brain and your nervous system at the same time, and the visualizations and things that we did I felt like were always getting me into parasympathetic so well, so well. And so, somatic work, meditation, visualization, all of those things can play a really, really important role, I think, in that part of the healing process. Amanda Testa: I think, too, that it’s hard sometimes to get into that state, but, yeah, that’s when you can let your body do some repair and rest and nourish its sweet little self, right? Kylene Terhune: Yeah, I mean, it is so important. When I talk about safety, I really emphasize that as the foundation of recovery because what’s happening in your nervous system when this all comes out is it interprets your partner and your current life situation as dangerous, and any danger that it receives is gonna throw you into fight or flight and this is gonna wear your body out over time. 29:17 So, any steps that we can take to begin nourishing and supporting and intentionally getting into that calm, safe space is going to help lay that foundation. Like I said, if your partner’s on board, great, because they play a huge role in establishing that safety. If they’re not on board, it’s gonna be much more difficult, but there are still things that you can do to intentionally get yourself there and to help you through the process, for sure. Amanda Testa: Right, and I think this just goes back to what you were saying earlier about the importance of doing the deeper work because, otherwise, you will kind of keep subconsciously triggering each other’s stress cycles when you’re in each other’s presence if you don’t do the deeper healing. Kylene Terhune: Yeah, and so, with the work that I do one-on-one, what I primarily focus on is a lot of the underlying emotional roots to things. So, I think that you can do all of the legs-up-the-wall deep breathing that you want, [Laughs] but if you still have a core belief about yourself or an insecurity about yourself that is really raw and unhealed, the trigger will still come and the cycle will continue. 30:19 But if we can get to the underlying emotional core of what is activating that process, then we can heal it and if it’s an identity, we can choose a new identity; if it’s an emotion, we can release the emotion; if it is conflicting parts within you, we can help them integrate so that you can make clearer choices and feel more grounded and aligned with your beliefs and your values and who you are. That is some of the most powerful stuff that I discovered through this process. I just thought it was amazing. It blew my mind because, when I got into that, I had already done a year of talk therapy and trauma therapy and EMDR trauma processing and all this, which I still actively promote. 31:05 I think it’s very — I just did it, right? I talked about that as part of the process. It laid a foundation, helped me tremendously, and then I was still hitting a wall, and I needed to find another way to work with my subconscious, and when I found the subconscious reprocessing work, I was like this is it! It just blew the wall apart and just helped me move forward in such a different way. It really helps you self-identify the more you go through the process. So, then, you can really figure it out on your own faster. Like, what is underneath this, and I think this is something you do a lot in your work, too. It helps you really get more in touch with your body because what you’re doing, ultimately, is communicating with it and listening to it when, so often, what we’re used to doing is suppressing which is why things get stuck in our body in the first place. But the more we do the subconscious reprogramming work, you’re learning how to listen to your body and ask it, “Why is this emotion here?” 32:04 And then, in the exercises that I do with my clients, we, then, have your subconscious mind actually lead the process, and it’ll take you to the original event where this emotion or belief or whatever it is that we’re working on was created in your body. So, it’s interesting because it may not even be — if it’s a belief that you’ve created that you’re really struggling with, this betrayal may not be the first time that that was established in your body. So, your mind may not even take us back to something that just happened in the past six months or year or whatever when this happened; it may actually take us back to something that happened when you were, like, three, which I find fascinating, by the way. The brain is an amazing thing. Amanda Testa: It is, right? [Laughs] Kylene Terhune: Well, what’s really cool about it is if you can go back to the original event and your brain will do this so well when it’s ready to process this. What I love about the work that we do that’s very unique, I think, is that, then, we pull the positive learnings from it. So, whatever it is that happened, we’re gonna take away anything that still serves us and we’re gonna release and process anything that doesn’t, and then we take all of the positive things that still serve us that we need, and we apply it to all the other events from then until now, and (talking about the parasympathetic) it’s such a grounding experience that you leave that process feeling lighter and more aligned and happier, and it’s really neat. Like, you can take a breath after those exercises. 33:24 Amanda Testa: And it’s so amazing, too, just the neuroplasticity our brains have because we can re-route the circuitry, right, so that when those things happen, we don’t think the things we used to think. We don’t have the manic reactions we used to have. Kylene Terhune: Right. Amanda Testa: It’s like we’re creating new associations, which is so powerful. Kylene Terhune: Yeah, that is so powerful, and I think that’s what’s so cool about learning. I love the education piece, right? Amanda Testa: Yes. Yes. Kylene Terhune: I like to know the why underneath it. So, for me, learning about the nervous system and what part you’re in when you’re feeling what, really that education is motivating to me, and then learning about how the brain can change and what that looks like, and then learning about the subconscious and about how everything that we’re really dealing with is kind of stored there and how, if we’re addressing it on that level, it’s actually gonna change the habits and patterns versus what we’re typically taught is, “Well, if you force yourself to change this habit for 21 days in a row,” right, and you’re just struggling the whole time because the underlying belief hasn’t changed at all, that’s where it’s different. 34:32 So, when you work with the subconscious, then you’re going all the way back to that root, and then it starts changing on a brain level, and then the outcome is basically inevitable and you’re like, “Wow, this is amazing.” It’s really, really cool. Amanda Testa: I think I saw a meme about this or a video once that just really struck me because this woman was saying things and doing affirmations, it’s kind of basically why affirmations don’t really work, right, because you’re not doing the deeper thing. But it was like, “I’m so beautiful. I’m smart. Everybody loves me,” and then there’s this other part of her that’s like, “No, you’re not. That’s not true,” all the things. Just, like, that’s what happens in our brains, right? [Laughs] We’ve got to get to this part that’s saying all these things, and you’re like, “Okay, what’s going on with you? What do you need?” Kylene Terhune: You’re so right! Amanda Testa: “Where are you from? What’s going on here?” Right? 35:14 Kylene Terhune: Yeah, I mean, there are two things to that. I totally agree with you, and that’s why people resist affirmations so much. They’re like, “That’s such garbage,” right? “I’m not gonna believe that.” Well, that’s the thing is when you learn about the brain, forcing yourself to say something that it actually does not, on a core level, believe isn’t going to work. So, there are two things that you need to do here, and I think you should probably do both. One is going to the root of that disbelief, like where is that coming from? At what point in your life did you decide that this is impossible for you? When was that belief established and why? What was the external situation, and then what have you gathered as proof throughout your life that that’s not possible for you? Then, you deal with that. But, then, the second thing is, with affirmations, they can be really powerful if you do them in a right way which is to find something in the middle that you — okay, so, I’m not worthy, and I really believe that because of all these experiences that I’ve had that have proven that. But I want to feel worthy because I know, consciously, I am, right? So, what the heck do I do about that? Well, we just said saying, “I’m worthy,” over and over isn’t gonna go well for our brain, right? Amanda Testa: Right, right. 36:17 Kylene Terhune: But we can create something in between that says, “I choose to believe that I am X,” or we can say something that says, “I am currently working towards…” or, “I am –.” What you do is an action statement, and I learned this from my mentors because they went through the same stuff. It’s like you can’t force your brain, right? But you can train it, and you can meet it where it’s at. What is believable that is further along than you are and moving you towards where you want to be, and you can create an affirmation out of that that works for you, and then once that feels really comfortable, you can move on and continue to build. But I even would say that probably won’t work if you’re not doing the other deeper stuff, but if you can do both, then you’re totally winning. Amanda Testa: Right, and even just in there, there’s so much to it, right? Because if you’re dealing with the betrayal and maybe there’s a thought, and you come, like you said, consciously, you know this is not true. But, then, you notice, “Okay, what’s happening that I need to work with to get to a point where I can believe something along that road,” right? That gets you to where you want to believe until what you know is true matches what your subconscious thinks is true. 37:23 Kylene Terhune: Right? Amanda Testa: [Laughs] Kylene Terhune: [Laughs] Yeah, that’s the darn difference between your conscious and your self-conscious, right? It’s breaking that barrier and figuring out what’s the work here that actually makes sense, that you can believe and that, yeah. You’re totally right. Amanda Testa: And so, I’m wondering, too, when it comes to, I guess, if there is any other advice or support that you want to offer people who have dealt with betrayal — maybe you can share some last words around that or anything you really want to leave them with. Kylene Terhune: I think the biggest message that I like to share is that recovery is possible, and part of the reason I like to share that is because when you’re in the midst of it, it feels so overwhelming like, “How am I ever gonna dig myself out of this?” 38:04 I mean, the depression is real. The overwhelm is real. The freeze is real. The shock can last a really long time depending on how long you’ve been in your relationship, what it’s looked like, and all these things. And so, I just want to encourage people that there is a recovery process. It is important to do the work. It’s the same thing as the addicts, right? It’s the same thing that if you are willing — and it is uncomfortable, and I hate to say that because you’re already in a lot of discomfort, but the healing process does bring some discomfort, but the reason you should choose that is because that discomfort is moving you towards the life that you want. So, I always encourage people to have a very clear vision of what that is because I don’t want you to feel stuck or to make decisions that don’t help you move towards that. If you can have a very clear vision and you know what the recovery process looks like, then somewhere in there you’re gonna begin to move steps towards your vision and towards recovery, and whether that means that you’re staying with your partner or whether that means that you’re not, either one of those is okay, but you’re gonna be moving towards that recovery, and that part is inevitable if you’re willing to do the work. Yeah. 39:13 Amanda Testa: Beautiful. Thank you so much. I’m wondering if you would be open to sharing where people can connect with you and learn more about how you can support them if they are looking to deal with this betrayal. Kylene Terhune: Yeah, absolutely. So, we talked about the What’s Next course for women that are just kind of finding out. That’s really for D-Day through six months. You’re in shock, and there’s a lot you’re trying to figure out there, and that’s where I’ll kind of support you in that course. Then, I also work with clients one-on-one. They’re a little further along, so the six plus months, right? You’re kind of past the shock. And this is really my most immersive program for walking women who’ve experienced betrayal trauma through the deep emotional blocks and the trauma that we also mention sometimes shows up with physical symptoms as well. 40:00 And so, that’s a really immersive, intensive one-on-one, four-month program. It has online modules and then we also do a lot of the emotional processing and trauma work together so that we can do the work that helps you to release the negative emotions, you know? Because we don’t want your anger and grief to become the filter that you live life through, and we want to begin, as we go through this process, to release anything that is keeping you stuck and hindering you from stepping into your authentic and most powerful and most vulnerable self. And so, that’s kind of the work we do in that program. So, people can connect with me all over social media. On TikTok @kyleneterhune (it’s all my name) or on Instagram @kyleneterhune or I have a Facebook page Recover U, and that’s a Facebook page that can get connected. So, any of those platforms. You can DM me. You can reach out. I have links in my bios. If you’re interested in working together, you can fill out an application there, too. 41:00 Amanda Testa: Yay! Well, thank you so much for coming on and just for sharing your wisdom. I am so grateful for you and all this amazing work that you’re doing and all the people that you are helping. So, thank you. Kylene Terhune: Thank you so much for letting me share my story and for having me on, Amanda. I love you so much, and I just appreciate the invitation, so thank you so much. Amanda Testa: Yes, and for all listening, I’ll make sure to share where you can connect with Kylene in the show notes, again, and, yes, DM her or DM me if you have questions or want more information. We are here to support you, so please do that. Maybe just even taking a moment, and what is something that was, perhaps, a gem that you’re digesting from this episode, something that you might want to apply or take home or share with someone you know and love? And we’ll see you next week! _______ [Fun, Empowering Music] Thank you so much for listening to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. This is your host, Amanda Testa, and if you have felt a calling while listening to this podcast to take this work to a deeper level, this is your golden invitation. 42:00 I invite you to reach out. You can contact me at amandatesta.com/activate, and we can have a heart-to-heart to discuss more about how this work can transform your life. You can also join us on Facebook in the Find Your Feminine Fire group, and if you’ve enjoyed this podcast, please share with your friends. Go to iTunes and give me a five-star rating and a raving review so I can connect with other amazing listeners like yourself. Thank you so much for being a part of the community. [Fun, Empowering Music]

Coaching, Cults and Self Trust with Amanda Testa

January 2, 2023

Coaching, Cults and Self Trustwith Amanda Testa

In this week’s pod I’m jamming on all the things that make me fired up about the personal development and coaching industry.

Listen in as I share what I think the problems are, why psychological marketing and selling techniques are so effective, how to look out for your best interest and be an informed consumer, and what to avoid.

Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts ,Stitcher or Spotify.

Complete transcript below.

In this episode you’ll discover

Why psychological marketing and selling techniques are so effective.Why manipulation is so rampant in this industry, and how to make sure you’re being discerning.How to market in alignment with your values.Why trauma informed business practices are important.Why you should never override your body’s signals, and how to tune into those signalsFind out more about the Come Alive Trauma Informed Coaching Coven HERE.and much more!

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

Amanda Testa is a trusted healer, coach, and guide who’s served hundreds of clients over the years with masterful skills in coaching, pleasure embodiment, and somatic trauma resolution.

Her clients tenderly heal their relationship with their sexuality, shamelessly embrace pleasure, own their sexy confidence, and cultivate deeply connected relationships with her fiercely loving support.

When she’s not leading transformative sessions, you can find her snuggling her spunky 10 year old, flirting with her sexy hubs, playing in nature, enjoying live music, and having epic conversations about sex with fellow experts on her Find Your Feminine Fire podcast.

Want more support? Schedule a confidential 1-1 call with Amanda here.

Have a topic or question you’d like Amanda to address on a future episode? Submit it on this anonymous form.

If you liked this episode, please consider giving me a 5 Star Review on Apple Podcasts! It truly does help the podcast grow.

EPISODE 243: Coaching, Cults, and Self-Trust Amanda Testa: Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa, and today I am talking about coaching, cults, and trusting yourself (finding your own truth), and I was inspired to do this episode because I know not all of you are in the coaching industry or even aware of this, so know, first and foremost, I’m a sex and relationship coach, and that’s what I love to do, but also, I am in the business of coaching, and I always, for the past three years, have been a senior teacher for a big coaching company. And so, a lot of the work that I do is around mentoring coaches and creative professionals as well as a lot of my clients are also coaches and creative professionals. So, I just want to give you that heads up for this episode, but I think there’s value in it no matter who you are because, really, what it’s all about is learning to trust yourself and being discerning, right? And I think this is very important, and sometimes I think, okay, I’ve been in this industry for a long, long time, and I’ve learned a lot of different things, and some of them are, quite frankly, problematic.