"Help I've Lost My Libido!"
with Amanda Testa
In the dynamic, often overwhelming whirl of life, it's not uncommon to find ourselves grappling with a lost sense of sexual desire.
In this week's episode of the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast, I'm delving into this delicate and profound topic, offering insights and strategies for those who find themselves whispering, “Help, I’ve lost my libido. What do I do?”
Listen in to discover:
✨Understanding the nature of libido
✨The multi-pronged causes of diminished desire
✨ How lifestyle foundational affects libido
✨ Practical strategies for revival
✨ Why solving the problem doesn't happen overnight
✨ How to embrace the continual quest for pleasure
(Complete transcript below)
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Amanda Testa is a trusted healer, coach, and guide who’s served hundreds of clients over the years with masterful skills in coaching, pleasure embodiment, and somatic trauma resolution.
Her clients tenderly heal their relationship with their sexuality, shamelessly embrace pleasure, own their sexy confidence, and cultivate deeply connected relationships with her fiercely loving support.
When she’s not leading transformative sessions, you can find her snuggling her kiddo, flirting with her sexy hubs, playing in nature, enjoying live music, and having epic conversations about sex with fellow experts on her Find Your Feminine Fire podcast.
Want more support from Amanda? Schedule a confidential 1-1 call with Amanda here.
In this 45 min call, we’re going to identify your #1 block to pleasure, why it’s showing up in the way it is, and what to do to turn it around.
After doing this work for almost a decade, I can quickly identify the patterns holding you back, and show you the steps to change it.
Permission to reach out even if it feels scary. Permission to reach out even if you aren’t even sure you want to do this work. Permission to reach out to explore if this is right for you, no strings or pushy sales tactics here.
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a sex, love and relationship coach, and in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex, love, and relationships and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome
"Help, I've lost my libido. What do I do?" This is a question that I get so often and I wanted to do a podcast around this because it's been a while and this is such a multi-pronged question and such a multi-pronged solution I might say, because one of the things about when someone loses their libido, there's usually multiple causes. It's not something that you can just take a pill and fix overnight. I know that we wish there was, some out there, but they don't really work that way. So just know if this is you, that this is a really common thing.
First of all, I want to just explain a little bit about what I mean by libido when I'm talking about it, because typically when people come to me, what they're saying is they want to have more desire. They want to want to have sex, they want to feel good when they have sex, they want to enjoy more pleasure. So that's what I'm speaking to here. And if this is you, listen up. I want to share some really great tips with you today. So first of all, one of the first things that you want to do when you are kind of looking at your life and saying, all right, this is an area that I really want to improve. Oftentimes, there's not one straw that broke the camel's back, right? There's typically many. And so this might just be the final thread on a lot going on in your life.
So first of all, you want to make sure that you've ruled out all health concerns, that you don't have any kind of major health concern going on, because that too can affect your libido. And also sometimes there's seasons of life where you're going to be in a season where it's a winter where you're not going to have a lot of libido. Maybe you've had a death in the family, maybe you've gone through a tragedy, maybe you have been sick, maybe you're going through treatment for cancer. Who knows, right? There's so many things and you're not meant to be have your libido 100% all the time. That's just not normal. We fluctuate. We have cycles. We have cycles throughout the month. If you're still bleeding, then you'll notice that your desire changes throughout the month. If you are in menopause, you'll notice that there's seasons as well.
So it's just honoring first of all where you are and just taking stock. I'm in a place where this is really my top priority, and if so, great and if not great, we can find many ways to find joy and pleasure in our lives, and this is just one of the many ways. So I always want to invite that in. Also, when it comes to that, looking at the lens of your life and where you can invite in more joy and pleasure, maybe it's that you are just stressed to the gills, right? Maybe you're running at a hundred miles an hour every day without a break, without slowing down. Could this be you?
I know many of my clients are in this role. They're very successful, driven people that have a lot on their plate. Most of my clients are moms, right? They have big jobs or businesses that they're running. They have a family, they have a partner, they have a lot going on. They're also trying to do good in the world. And so being creative and nurturing themselves in the mix of everything can be challenging. So when it comes to that, you also kind of want to take a look at your life. Are you doing the things that bring you joy and pleasure or not? Are you saying yes to things that you really want to say no to? Are you moving toward the things that you're like, Ugh, I don't really want to do this, but I feel like I have to, so I guess I'll, right?
Or are you really taking stock of, am I going to make a decision that's going to best serve me right now? And here's a little tip right now I'm going to share. One tip that I think is so key is you don't have to answer anything right away. If someone asks you for something, you can give it twenty-four hours. If someone wants you to respond to something, you don't have to do it immediately. We are so conditioned that we have to immediately respond to something. We get an email. We have to immediately respond. If we get a text, we have to immediately respond. If someone asks us to do something, we have to immediately respond, and you don't. That is just a reaction that you can slow down and pause and think, is this really in my best interest? Yes or no? Do I need more time to think about it?
Yes or no? Right? And give yourself what you need there. Sometimes when we were looking at our lifestyle, there's some changes that might need to happen because when we're looking at libido, sex drive, desire, there are many. There's a multi-pronged approach. And the first one of those is looking at your lifestyle. Where can you make more choices that are serving you? Where can you make more time for yourself? Where can you bring in more opportunity to do the things that light you up? One of the practices I often have my clients do when we first start working together is to take some time and literally give yourself 30 minutes. Write down the things that you want right now. I know this is November when I'm recording this episode, and the holidays are upon us, and this is a really hectic time of life, and it can feel hard to put yourself first anytime of the year, but especially now because there's a lot of additional pressure and there's so much world stress going on.
There's the collective stress that you're holding as well as your own personal stress and everything else that's going on in your community. So there's a lot. And so knowing I'm going to invite you right now as you look into the month of December that is approaching us, what are the things that you want? What do you need? What would you love to experience? And give yourself 30 minutes and just write. You can draw if that's more, if that helps you get it out. But just give yourself that time because when even 10 minutes isn't magical, because 10 minutes can feel like an eternity sometimes when you're writing down what you want. Because for so many people they don't know. They don't even know that's the last thing they've ever thought about because it's always taking care of everyone else. And we're not doing this to be selfish or to negate the fact that there's things that need to be done, but it's like, what do you really want?
And it can help you get to that because when we can start to connect the things that light us up to our desires, that is a really huge step in getting your libido back. You want to find the things that make you feel good and do more of those things, right? Because then you're not starting at zero trying to get to 60 when you're doing the things that light you up when you're taking care of yourself, when you are involved in your community and being have relationships that are fulfilling, then you're feeling more around like you're humming around at a happier, maybe 15 or 20. So then when it comes time for sex or intimacy, then it's much more easy to get in the mood. So these are some ways that you can kind of get your motor humming, so to speak, is just by tuning into the things that give you joy. So that's your first little project here, okay? Write down the things that you desire.
Next is the other thing that I think is really important for people to understand is understanding how your body works. This is such a huge thing because again, we are very conditioned to think certain parts of our body are dirty, wrong, shameful, sinful. And I believe this is not the case. I believe we are divinely made, and every part of us is divinely made, and every part of us is magical and mystical and deserves to be adored. We need to be curious about our own body. We need to be curious about our own being. We need to always explore what are the things that feel good to my body? What are the things that I don't like? And this changes and evolves. It changes on a daily basis. And so taking time to get to know your body is really important. And maybe that's something that feels hard for you.
Maybe that's something that feels exciting for you. Maybe you love to take care of yourself in that way, and maybe you have a regular self-pleasure practice that you already do. But I encourage people to do this because one of the things I've seen time and time again, it's like anything, right? You can read a book, you can listen to a podcast, you can do all the things, but until you actually do the thing, do the practice, you're not going to get the result. You can read about losing weight. You can read about getting strong. You can read about building muscle, but until you actually lift a weight, you're not going to do it. So it's the same type of thing with our sexuality. It's part of our overall health and wellness. And I really like to encourage people that you got to have a sexual wellness routine.
You got to have a sexual fitness routine, and you don't need to call it that. I don't like to call it that personally because I think it's always something I want to do, right? I've had a long journey with that too. That's for another podcast. But just what are the things that make your body feel good? And how can you do more of those things? Maybe it's like just moving your hips a little bit to a song in the morning. Maybe it's doing some gentle yoga. Maybe it's meditating. I teach a lot of this when I'm working with clients. I have a lot of strategies around how to learn your body, how to figure out what it likes and wants, how to give those things to your body, how to communicate with your partner about this so that in the end, you are much more sensually alive.
You're enjoying so much more pleasure in your body, and you know how to make your body come alive. And again, and I want to just remind people this, it sometimes takes time. This is a journey. This is not overnight, and I think everybody wants a quick fix. I know, I know. But let me just tell you, once you start to make the changes, little subtle shifts start to happen. And when you look back over a few months and you start noticing these subtle shifts, it's actually huge. The momentum is huge. And so I say this because I think people can get discouraged that, oh, I tried this and it didn't work, or I did this one time and it didn't work. It takes repetition. It takes doing things over time to make it easier. Your body is an instrument and you have to learn to play it.
And just like any instrument that you're learning, you're not going to whip out the cello and be yo-yo ma. It takes practice, it takes study, it takes dedication. And it's the same with our sexuality. These are learned skills. I want to just remind people of that that's the good news, the good news that these are learned skills. Anybody can learn them. Maybe you've never even had an orgasm before. Maybe you don't even know what that feels like. You can learn how to do it. It might just take a little extra time if you've never figured that out yet. And it's no fault of our own if we have it because we've never been taught this, right? Most of us never got great sex ed. Most of us never got pleasure based sex ed. So you're not alone if this is you. And so I just want to remind you that it's okay.
You can figure this out. Take a breath and you can figure this out. I know what happens to a lot of my clients is because right now I'm in this phase two of perimenopause where things that used to work don't work the same way. Things that used to feel really good might not feel the same anymore. And so maybe there's more numbness. Maybe it takes longer to get aroused, maybe it takes more patience. And this is the kind of thing that you can start to learn the more you work with your body and the more you learn your instrument is a lot of compassion for yourself, a lot of compassion that it might take longer, that you might need to do things differently. But a ten-minute quickie isn't going to do it for you and create it. There's nothing wrong with a ten-minute quickie. Sometimes that's fun too, and sometimes it can feel fun just to connect in that way. But for the majority of women, women, for the majority of full-bodied humans out there, it takes an average of forty-five minutes to be fully turned on, to be fully engorged, to have all your erectile tissue, fully engorged and full of blood and ready for fun. And let me ask you, when was the last time that you had an experience that allowed that to happen for you?
Happen? And it's not like you need that all the time, but it's so beautiful when you can have it. My husband and I, we have a tradition that this is an amazing tradition, and I'm so grateful to my sweet mama because she makes it possible. As she usually comes out around Thanksgiving holiday week, she usually comes out over the holidays, and when she's here, we sneak away for a night somewhere, usually at a hotel in Denver nearby a little staycation. But it is so impactful to have that time, and that's the luxury. We don't get to do that all the time. We don't get to do that hardly ever. So when we can do that, it's incredible how connected we are to be able to have the extra time to be able to just hang out, not have to take care of anyone else, just to be alone with your partner.
It's so huge. So maybe you can get creative and figuring out how you could carve out more time for yourself. It doesn't have to be a whole night, it could just be an afternoon, a morning, but making time to nourish yourself and your relationship is so key. Making time is a big point here. I get that can be hard, but anything that you want to flourish, you have to make time for. And this is what happens a lot of times with my clients that are going through premenopause, as I just mentioned, is we need more time. We don't have, there's less patience maybe that you have. Maybe you're in a rut, maybe you've been in a relationship for a long time now and you're like, things are boring. And I saw the funniest, this funniest reel my sister sent me today, and I was dying. So in this reel, it's a comedy reel. This guy's dressed up like the wife, and she's like, I just think we've lost our spark. And it spans over, pans over to the husband, and he's like, had a cpap on, and he's taking off the cpap and he's got to take off his eye mask. And then he takes off his nose strip and he's taking out his mouth guard and slobbering, and he puts his glasses on.
And I was dying because how true is that? When you've been in a long-term relationship, sometimes you just have to laugh at just how you are. You're just in it together, which is beautiful too. But sometimes that kind of takes the spark away when you're like, all right, here we are. I know my husband and I have taken pictures like that before. He with a cpap and me with my eye mask and stripping all the things. Oh, but that's the fun, that intimacy, the vulnerability of being fully yourself with someone. So what can you do then is here's what I often tell people, because for most of us, not everyone, but for a lot of people, the end of the day is not the best time to have sex. You're tired, you're touched out, you have decision fatigue. You just want to go to bed often.
And when you're younger, that might've been great, but the older you get, you're tired. And so it's getting creative when you find times to connect. So I always love midday if you both work from home, which a lot of people do now, making time to meet for lunch at your house when the kids are at school, making time to meet for morning connection, like weekends. Maybe you can send the kids to a neighbor on a Saturday morning or a Sunday morning or something like that. It's getting creative to find time to connect where you might've find just different times of the day that might work better for you nowadays. So that's kind of thing I'm talking about when you're kind of reviewing your lifestyle, is it when am I at my best? When do I actually want to connect? And also, I've talked about this before on the podcast, but everyone has different ways that they like to connect.
Sometimes people need an emotional connection first. Sometimes people are purely physical. A lot of the times I work with my clients on the erotic blueprints as well, because this is a way you can learn your sexual style, so to speak, so that you can find new ways to come together with your partner. And the more you learn about each other and the more you try new things, the deeper you can go. That's one of the things I love about sacred sexuality and what I love to teach clients around sacred sexuality is because there's the depth there. There's so much depth and richness when you can merge that spiritual connection with your sexuality, with your partner in new ways. And again, that's not for everyone. Everybody has different styles and different things they enjoy, but when you have the willingness to explore and the willingness to just have fun and be silly about it, because sometimes like anything, right, you'll have your comedic moments.
My husband and I were recently, we were testing out a course for some friends of mine, and one of the lessons was around these hip swivels and doing different hip swivels together. And we were laughing so hard because again, I think this is one of the times where my husband had something wrong with his hip. And then I was think this thing that happened as we age and you just have to laugh and go through it because we're normal. That's going to happen. That's life. And the more you just take it in stride and laugh and move forward the better. And sometimes laughter can be a huge connector. It can be a huge energy release. And so that can be really sexy too when you can keep moving forward. So another thing I want to just point on really quick is everyone has their own opinion about hormonal treatments and this, that and the other, but you always wanted to carefully discuss that with a healthcare provider.
And I am, I'm a coach, I'm not a doctor, so that is not something that I work with specifically, but I think that's a personal decision that everyone has to make what feels right for them, because some people have great results with it, some people don't want to do it. And no matter how you choose to move forward, you can find ways holistically to improve your sex life. And the reason, that's another reason why I really find sensual self-care practices are really essential, especially as we age is because anything, you have to use it so you don't lose it. Especially as we age, it's just like building muscle. It's a lot harder to do as we age, and we do not want to lose that muscle so we can be strong and be able to enjoy our life through the decades. The same is true with our sexuality.
The more you take care of your vulva, the more you bring pleasure to your genitals, the more blood flows there, the more sensate flows there, the more the nerves are healthy, all of that makes a difference. And so again, this is why you want to continually take care of yourself, and it doesn't have to be an everyday thing, but just some kind of continual care, some kind of continual attention. And so many times I will work with clients and they are connecting with their bodies in ways they never have. And there can often be emotions to work through. There's often a lot to work through if it's something that's been neglected for a while, because that part of you can feel it has this consciousness, I believe, and it can feel neglected or sad and is happy you're coming back to give it attention. It's just like any part of you, right?
If you haven't worked out for two years and you want to go try to go take a workout class, you're probably going to be super sore the next day. But you want to keep moving forward, the muscles are going to start getting stronger. The same with your pelvic floor. That's another big part of it is your pelvic floor strength. So these are all aspects we look at when we work together. And so I want to recap a little bit. I know I've been talking about a lot of different things today, but really just to kind of break it down, help, I've lost my libido. What do I do? Number one, you don't want to rule out anything that's major in any major medical issue. Number two, you want to give yourself grace if you're at a season of winter and know that's normal. Number three, you want to start remembering the things that light you up.
I want to start remembering the things that bring you joy, like the desire list I told you about. Number four, you want to check out your lifestyle. What can you change potentially in your schedule? What can you say no to that's not lighting you up? What can you do to make sure that you are taking a little bit better care of yourself, making time to maybe incorporate some sensual self-care, right? That's number five. And that's one of the reasons why I have my pleasure membership called the Pleasure Foundation. It's basically a central self-care salon where you can come in twice a month and enjoy a breath work practice or a pleasure ritual and just to be able to have those little touch points to learn how to connect with your body. And then you also, the other thing is looking at it like a wellness routine.
Your sexual wellness is an important part of your overall health, and so it's something that needs to be nourished and cared for, and there's tools that you can do to learn. So it's a learned skill, but maybe it's like, how can I be more open to this? How could I potentially learn more about how to do this? How can I learn more about my body? How can I learn more about the things that I want to enjoy? How can I have better be able to talk about this more easily with my partner? And these are all, I have a lot of resources like this that are free. You can also go to amandatessa.com and you can check out all the free resources. I do have a ton or you've reach out to me. And also making sure working the pelvic floor, all these things, there's a lot, because there's often times pelvic pain, right?
So there's a multi-pronged approach here. But I just want to give you some basic tips that you can use to get your libido humming again. And even if you just take one thing away from this podcast, if you just write down that desire list and start doing some things on that list, I'm going to tell you, you're going to start to notice some shifts. And when you start to notice some shifts, you start making more changes so that you do find more pleasure and joy, and then you make more changes. And that's how it works, because it's not overnight, but it's finding the doable ways to keep moving forward, the doable ways to approach the things that might feel hard and not overwhelming yourself, but doing it in a way that is actually sustainable. That's another big part of it. So thank you for listening.
And if you are inspired to learn more, then I encourage you to reach out again. You can go to Amandatessa.com and you can find out all the ways to get some free resources or work with me if that feels like something that's aligned for you. And as we move into the holidays, this is again a crazy time. So thinking about that as well, what could I do to make sure that I am not over committing myself, that I am setting some realistic boundaries and really doing those things so that you can emerge on the other side feeling better, and that you also have the time to do the things that are important to you and care for the people that are important to you and the causes that are important for you, and doing the things that you need to do to make the world better place, right?
Sending you much love. And we'll see you next week. Thank you so much for listening to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. This is your host, Amanda Tessa. And if you have felt a calling while listening to this podcast to take this work to a deeper level, this is your golden invitation. I invite you to reach out. You can contact me at amandatesta.com slash activate and we can have a heart to heart to discuss more about how this work can transform your life. You can also join us on Facebook and the group Find Your Feminine Fire Group. And if you've enjoyed this podcast, please share with your friends. Go to iTunes and give me a five star rating and a rating review so I can connect with other amazing listeners like yourself. Thank you so much for being a part of the community.