Do you feel super irritated when conflicts arise in your relationships?  If you're looking for some great tips on living with more harmony, and want some solid strategies for creating positive change in your relationship, tune in.   Also, learn what we may unknowingly be doing to play a part in conflict, and what to do about it so you can feel more joy, connection and pleasure in your partnership. 

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(Complete Transcript Below)

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Here are the resources I shared in this episode:

5 steps for better communication in your relationship.

Non Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg

Braving and how to build trust in your relationship by Brene Brown.

Want support in creating the relationship you crave? Schedule a confidential heart to heart HERE.

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Amanda Testa (00:02):

Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. I am your host, Amanda Tesa. I am a Sex Love and Relationship coach, and in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex love and relationships and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome. Hello, and to the podcast, this is your host Amanda Testa. And in this podcast this week, I am going to be talking about resolving conflict. And how do you argue less or argue better? Let's say, and also kind of understanding how we might play a part in our relationship conflicts unknowingly. So welcome. And you know, one of the things that I'm gonna start with is just talking about how, you know, oftentimes when we can own our own part of maybe a conflict, yes. Sometimes this can be a very challenging thing sometimes. So even as we move into this podcast, just take a breath or two, find a comfortable place.

Amanda Testa (00:58):

Even if you're driving or whatever you're doing. Just find a place in you that feels stable and realize that every time we come to a relationship, there's a lot at play, right? We have not just two people, but two inner children, two family systems, two ancestral lineages, two egos, all the things that we have when we come to a relationship. So it's no wonder that we often have struggles. And when we have consistent disconnection or arguments, or repeating patterns of conflict can be really easy to think, oh, it's all my partner. They do this. They never do this. They're never present, blah, blah, blah. They don't make me feel valued. All these things, you know? And I also wanna say too, like all these things can be very true and I'm not discounting anything. I'm not discounting the realness of any pain you may be experiencing.

Amanda Testa (01:41):

And I'm sorry for any, anything that you are experiencing that feels painful. I think sometimes that one of the most healing things is just understanding that, you know, we're human, right. We have to forgive ourselves and we often have to forgive our partners and what's been so, so eye opening in my own relationship is realizing where I might be causing disconnect, unknowingly. Right. Are there places where I'm just throwing in the jabs? Just because I wanna feel like I have the last word or feel like I just get it outta my system. Like I'm feeling mad and I wanna just throw it on someone else. Right. And this is normal, right? We all have these moments when we are not from coming from a place that is our most resourced place. Right. But there are things we can do about it. Right? They are, are things we can do about it.

Amanda Testa (02:26):

And I think that I can even tell you a story that happened this morning, a conflict that happened this morning. And we were both asleep. My husband was outta town last week traveling. So he got back late last night and we kind of had slept in a little bit for us. And the dog starts barking cuz he needs to go out. And of course I didn't wanna get up because I had a migraine since yesterday afternoon and was trying to just feel better. And he was tired from traveling. And so he's like, I don't wanna do it. I was like you do it. He was like, I don't wanna do it. I was like fine.you've been out of town all week, and you can't even help with the dog? Grumph. Right. That was my reaction. I will admit that is not a good reaction <laugh> and so I went out and let the dog out huffing and puffing fed him and whatever.

Amanda Testa (03:06):

Then I came back and got in the bed and you know, he tried to touch me and I was like, don't touch me. <Laugh> and I was just so. So I sat there fuming for a while and then I finally calmed down. But then in that moment, even I was like, okay, what, what was that about, What happened there? Why am I so mad? And oftentimes when I do a little bit of reconnaissance on my actions, I realize, okay, here's what the problem was. Number one, I had a need and I did not express it well. So if I had gone into that experience like, Hey babe, I know you're tired. You just got back from traveling, but I have a really bad migraine and it would really be so helpful if you could get up and, and deal with the dog right now.

Amanda Testa (03:40):

And guess what? He would've done it. I know for a fact he would've done it. But when I asked like such a bitch of course he wasn't willing to help. And I realized, okay, well, you know what? I played a part in that. Maybe I didn't realize it at the time, but of course, you know, I just, I was half asleep. It was, you know, one of those discombobulated moments where I was not my best self. So yes, even a relationship expert can make mistakes and then forgive myself and also apologize and explain why I was so upset. And he was of course understanding and like, yeah, why didn't you just ask me what you needed? So at the end of the day, there was a boundary that I did not set. Right. I did not say what I needed. I didn't ask for what I wanted and no one's able to meet you when you come from that place.

Amanda Testa (04:18):

And so, you know, really we can be part of the problem sometimes. And it can be hard to admit that to ourselves, especially in conflict. And I'm always open to learning more about this because so often we aren't even aware of how we might be causing problems and you know, right. It's never me. It's always my husband for being an ass. He's the one that's being a Dick. Right. It's never me. I'm perfect. <Laugh> okay. I know I'm not perfect, but I like to think I am and you know, don't you sometimes, oh anyways, I just, I laugh because Hey, we are humans and we're gonna have our moments. We're gonna have conflicts. We can't avoid that in life. And it can also be hard to see another another person's perspective when it comes to conflict. And this is a really big part of owning up to where you could be part of it.

Amanda Testa (04:57):

Right? So maybe for me, like I yelled, maybe I called him an asshole, right? Maybe I said he was mean or something hurtful. Right. I can own up to that. Or maybe I just threw a jab or said something hurtful necessarily. We can all do that. Especially when you're in an argument or a fight and someone's hurting you. We all have our low moments. And we all, when we're triggered, we're coming from our least resourced place as I mentioned. So it can be very easy for these negative things to pop up. It's very easy to go into these reactive expressions, yelling, screaming, maybe you shut down, maybe you close off, put the wall up. Maybe you just Stonewall the person for a few days. Like everyone's different in how they respond to this. I'm definitely a fight person. So for me, it's like all the heat and anger and fire and yelling and loudness.

Amanda Testa (05:35):

So, you know, we are all different how we respond to this, but there are things you can do and it's a constant work in progress. And so you get better and better over time and you can catch yourself so quickly. You know, I think that's one of the improvements that I've seen in my own relationship is conflicts are resolved so much quicker. We're both willing to step forward and own our part and work together to resolve things because it's so much better for the both of us and we want harmony and connection. And so since we both have that shared goal, then we are willing to show up and do the work that's necessary. And you know, we're all, you know, there's a great body of work out there that I love called the work from Byron Katie. And you may be familiar with Byron Katie, but really what it has you do is really know where might you be projecting, right?

Amanda Testa (06:16):

Where might you be not being fair in your experience? I'll only go into this a little bit briefly here, cause it's a in depth body of work and it can take some time to kind of really let it sink in, but can be such a beautiful tool. And basically you, you think about a situation that was upsetting to you and kind of what you're, what you're noticing, right? Like maybe I am mad, my husband, because he didn't take the dog out. Right. And so then you go into these four questions. So in that experience I was thinking, my husband is insensitive. My husband is selfish. Right. Those are the thoughts I was thinking in my head. And you ask yourself you, the four questions. Number one, is it true? Yes or no. Right. That's a very subjective thing to say. So that's not necessarily true.

Amanda Testa (06:57):

Maybe in the moment that was an experience that I was was having, but was it really true? And the number two question, can you absolutely know that it's true? Yes or no. So can I absolutely know that my husband is selfish and insensitive. No, he's not always like that. Number three. How do I react? What happens when I believe that thought, right? How do you react? What happens when you believe that thought? So when I think my husband selfish or an asshole, or if he's being insensitive, then I'm closed off. I am short, I am argumentative. I am protective of myself. Right. <laugh> and then who or what would you be without the thought? So who or what I would be without that thought that my husband is selfish or insensitive, is I would be more understanding, I would be more empathetic to his experience.

Amanda Testa (07:39):

And then I found out that he was having A Fib like right. There was, we were both not feeling well. And so there was an underlying issue there that I didn't even realize, which is so often at play in relationship conflict. So the final part of this is turning the thought around which this can be more challenging. Right? So instead of saying, my husband is selfish you turn in aroudn and would say, I am selfish. I was selfish and insensitive to my husband. So, you know, my husband wasn't insensitive to me. He was being sensitive, which you know, that that part is a more challenging part. So you can really work with yourself. But the intention is just to kind of be aware of the projection or what you might be putting on the story where you can take your own part, if that makes sense. So obviously you can go a lot deeper with that and you can go to thework.com and download those worksheets, cuz they are just a great thing to tune into when you're having a raging thought or a racing thought or in a conflict though. And I also help clients with this as well.

Amanda Testa (08:28):

The next thing is when you are doing these processes, have a lot of self compassion because it can feel really hard sometimes to see where there's any part that you played it. And sometimes, honestly it can be just expecting more of someone than they are capable of giving, right? Expecting someone to be who they're not. And in those cases, here's the thing. If two people are coming together to something, if you have both agreed to work on the relationship, then that's different, right? Change can happen. But if only one person is doing the work and the other person never, never, never is open to showing up or working on it or going to see a coach with you or whatever, then that's a different story. But if someone is willing to work with you and they are showing up in that way, yes, it might not yet look like you want it to yet, but there's progress being made.

Amanda Testa (09:10):

Right? And you really have to celebrate those little pieces of progress and understanding that things take time to shift. But I do believe where there's a will, There's a way I really do. And there's always an opportunity for growth. And you know, if someone's not willing to work with you so many times often I work with women. Their partners are not on board, but eventually things change because they see the change in you or perhaps the way that you're showing up to the relationship is more, attuned more coherent. Maybe you are more of who you are and that brings out better in them. So in that case, that that makes a difference, right? And sometimes people just aren't willing to change. And in that case, you know, you just have to give it time and do your own work and just notice, is this something that you're willing to work with or not?

Amanda Testa (09:48):

And no one can make that decision, but you, but if someone's not willing to do the work on themselves, you can't force them to. Right. But if they're open to trying, then you can celebrate the trying. And I love this so much. And you know, one thing too is I love Brene Brown, how she talks about braving her acronym for breathing, which if any of you familiar with her, you might know this, but just around how trust is built in really small ways and its the little things that build trust, the daily little things of connection, daily, little things that you can do, to show up for your relationship. And even sometimes I forget these things, right? You have to really be intentional. You know, I know if my relationship is important to me, if it's a priority, I'm gonna be intentional about making my husband feel appreciated, right?

Amanda Testa (10:28):

I'm gonna understand what are the things that make him feel loved and do do those things. Even when I don't want to sometimes, and it can feel hard, right? Especially in a long term relationship, you're just annoyed. You don't feel like putting in the effort. Maybe you just wanna be in sweats and watch Netflix and eat popcorn or whatever. And that's fine to do on occasion. But if that's every night, all you do and there's more that you want, then you have to think, okay, how are things in the beginning of the relationship? Granted things happen in life, right? So we're always not gonna be like when we first met, but what were some of the qualities that you appreciated and enjoyed in yourself that you brought to the table back then, right? Maybe you put a little more effort into feeling good, right? Maybe you took better care of yourself.

Amanda Testa (11:04):

Maybe you need to make more time to take care of you so that you feel more whole so that you have something to give, right? Maybe you spent more time talking. Maybe you, maybe you guys went on more dates, right? Maybe it's creating different ways to be together. Right. And you know, sometimes going out to eat and drink, sometimes that can be really fun. And sometimes it can leave you feeling really bloated and tired and hungover. So that might not always be the best way to connect. So thinking about, you know, what are other ways that we can connect that don't involve eating and drinking? Maybe if that's what you're looking for, right? Maybe going on a walk, maybe exploring a new part of town together, maybe going go-kart racing, maybe going on a hike, you know, doing a lot of things that induce fear and adrinaline can actually be quite a turn on sometimes, right?

Amanda Testa (11:40):

That novelty doing something different. Maybe we go to an art museum. Maybe we go to a live music, show, all the things, right? It's up to you to choose what you wanna do and what sounds fun. Maybe it's going to a bookstore and buying each other a book and surprising each other. Right? Whatever it is, maybe it's listening to some music old school style. Oh my gosh, my husband and I sometimes do this and it is so great, right. That just tells you our age. But we put on an album that we love. You can listen to it on Spotify. Right? You don't have to have a record player, but the whole album, right. When this, the last time you just listen to a whole album. Ugh, it's so good. And it's so fun to just sit and listen to the music, putting your electronics away, making sure you don't have your phone or anything to distract you, which is a challenge.

Amanda Testa (12:16):

Cuz we're so used to being on them, like really forcing you to be present with the music, just listening, allowing your ears to pick up different nuances of the music. You know, it's actually a really great way to start to turn in tune into your sense and connect. So right. Other ways to play with your brain can be fun to connect because it forces your brain to, to work differently, right? Doing a puzzle, maybe learning a new game together like chess or whatever it might be because that creates more connection. And when there's connection, that leads to more emotional safety. And when there's more emotional safety that leads to more sexual safety and that leads to more sexual pleasure and experimentation and joy and wanting more of that, right? You gotta have that emotional safety be able to move to the higher levels of connection.

Amanda Testa (12:56):

And you know, another thing on that note, if you are wanting to get together with someone and spend more time and be more present, right. It's kind of sometimes being flexible on what that looks like, right? Because you and your partner might have different ways that looks so maybe for you, it means date night and you leave the house and you go out and maybe from your partner, it, when I get home from work, I wanna sit and talk to you for 15 minutes or that before bed, we actually lie in bed and talk before we fall asleep or whatever it is. Right. And sometimes it might look different than what you're expecting it to look like. So being aware like, okay, what is the end result? Are you receiving the connection that you're craving? Because really it's about, are you receiving what you need and are you allowing it to maybe look differently than you think it needs to look?

Amanda Testa (13:38):

And again, because when we're angry, when we're triggered, if our, you know, we're pissed, "oh my husband's working late again, Dammit, he working late every night, this week," or "He didn't text me back, blah, blah, blah," whatever it is, the key is to just notice like what is beneath that? Why am I so upset about this? What is it that I need? What is beneath that? What is beneath that? And also the thinking perhaps what's going on with my partner and what might they need. Those are hard questions to ask sometimes when you're triggered, but it helps you look from their perspective. Like, and also I love this for parenting too, because it's great with kids. Like when they're having a hard time what's going on for my child and what does my child need? The same thing for your partner, what's going on with my partner and what might they need and say, okay.

Amanda Testa (14:11):

So for me, I'm really mad because they worked late and I'm feeling like I'm not a priority, or I'm feeling like they didn't text me back. And so then I feel like I was being ignored or I'm not important. Right. And so why is that important to you? Right. Dig in deeper. What do you need? Well, I need clearer communication that makes me feel safe to know that I am going to be getting a text if you're gonna be late or that you had to work late. So we're gonna make up it by spending extra time together this weekend. Right. So there, so there can be some kind of concrete thing on the other end that you can actually ask for. So if you're gonna be late, I really appreciate if you could just text me and let me know. So I don't worry, whatever it might be, right.

Amanda Testa (14:48):

That you need to whatever kind of boundary that you need to set, that feels good to you and you know, right. Ever for everyone, it's different, and back to emotional safety and how emotional safety is created through small acts of trust, right? Through being able to talk, be listened to, to be able to hold space for one another, to be able to listen to one another, without interrupting, criticizing, throwig in a jab, not judging, not nagging. And that can be really hard. Not making assumptions about your partner. There is nothing that shuts down people more often than nagging, and it can be easy to do, especially when you have a turn time for something that your partner might have a different turn time for. Right. I think anyone might be listening can understand experience where maybe you've asked your partner to do something and you think, huh, that's an easy thing.

Amanda Testa (15:32):

I feel like that should be done like in the next 24 hours <laugh> and then a week later it's still not done and you feel frustrated. And this is a funny time for the work, because I remember in one of her stories talking about how upset she was, that that the partner was leaving the socks on the floor or whatnot. And that was so triggering to her. And she was feeling so unappreciated cause the socks were on the floor. But at the end of the day, she's the one that didn't like the socks on the floor. So she could do something about it. Right. She could solve her problem. And again, that's something to think about too. You know, if there's something that's irritating you, is this something I can solve myself? Or if my partner's not willing to do it, could I pay someone, do I call TaskRabbit?

Amanda Testa (16:02):

Do I do it myself? Do I hire someone? Do I call a friend to do it right? It can be so annoying, but at the end of the day, who wants it done? Right? And I think that can be, you know, everyone has different priorities and for kids, partners, whatever, right? Their priority might not be exactly the same as yours. And so understanding that we have, we have different priorities and I can also, I will fess up too, in my own relationship. I see that this, because often in our society, I'm in a, you know, I'm a, cis woman in a heterosexual relationship. So in our, in this way men are so conditioned that the only way they are valuable is if they are providing, if they are successful, monetarily, if they are making money, that equals success, that equals their doing a good job.

Amanda Testa (16:43):

That equals they are enough in life. Right. It can be very challenging to be with a partner like that because in, in, and honestly, so many men are like that because in their mind they feel like, well, providing for the family, that's my job. I do it for you. Right. And so if they work a lot, like my husband and he travels a lot and I can feel, sometimes it can feel hard. And so it can feel frustrating because oftentimes presence and connection and family values and having money to do things you want to do, they're all intertwined. Right. You know, and I also work with a lot of entrepreneurs and they get so busy. They, it can be really tempting. And my, myself too, at the end of the day to get back on the computer and be like, okay, I'm gonna just do a few more things.

Amanda Testa (17:19):

And the next thing you know, it's 10 30 and your partner's already asleep, which is okay on occasion. But if you're doing this every night, your partner's not gonna feel valued or seen. And alternatively, like in my, my case, if my partner's traveling a lot, I'm like, okay, what are the things that I need to feel connected? Even when they're, or even if they're working later, even if they're super busy, what do we need? And for me, I realized like for me, it's just like a little text here and there, it doesn't take long, easy to do. Right. And I think we've my husband. And I had a lot of conversations about what can we do for one another so that we still have fun and feel connected when we're not together. And so everyone's different there, but it's like having those conversations, asking for what you need and understanding what is realistic for your partner to cooperate with.

Amanda Testa (17:57):

And I talked about this a couple episodes ago when I was talking about my, my favorite little five communication tips of how to bring these delicate situations up. I can put link to that in the show notes, but you know, and I think too, for men, this is a lot of work for them. It is realizing that they are multifaceted beings, just like everyone is a multifaceted being. And I honestly feel for a lot of men because they are so hard on themselves. And, but just understanding that being successful is just one aspect of who you are. And oftentimes our relationship is the foundation for every single thing you do. And I feel like for men this is a really eye opening thing to realize sometimes is that we often have it so backward in our society. Because if you are in a relationship that fuels you, that nourishes you, or you enjoy pleasure together where you have great sex, where you turn each other on, where you flirt, where it's playful and fun.

Amanda Testa (18:42):

It's so fueling, it feels so good. It makes you inspired. It makes you feel good. It makes you feel happy. It makes you creative. It makes you kinder and more compassionate to your kids, to your friends, to your coworkers, right? Alternatively, if you're in a relationship that feels draining where there's constant bickering, where there's resentment, where there's zero connection, how do you think you're gonna show up to the world around you? Right. Oftentimes we do it backwards in our society. There we focus all on work or being successful or having the monetary riches or whatever it's or even it's like, oh, when I lose the five pounds, I'll feel good naked with my partner, but it's choosing the things you want now and implementing them in the small ways you can. So back to my story of, if you have a draining relationship, you know, oftentimes you'll think, oh, my work is suffering.

Amanda Testa (19:25):

So I need to focus more on work. Maybe I need to have a consultant or work with work harder or work longer hours, or just go all in at work. When at the end of the day, when you work backwards, creating the surroundings that provide a nourishing environment for yourself, that is what is gonna help you be better at work. That is what gonna increase your bottom line more than anything in all areas. And I like bottom line there because it's true because when you can move back to finding ways to connect, when you can get really good at resolving conflict, these are so key. You're always gonna have conflict, but you're never gonna be able to avoid it. And you're gonna deal with it in all areas of your life, right? You're gonna, you're gonna have to learn how to deal with discomfort, how to be with discomfort, how to be disappointed and not take it personally.

Amanda Testa (20:02):

So often we ask more of our partners than they can give. And that is another way that we can be causing harm, because if someone is truly not capable of giving us something and we keep asking for it, it's gonna cause problems, not only do you feel like you're banging your head against the wall, there's all the resentments that build up and all that kind of things that arise. So if you are still desiring to stay in the relationship and it meets your needs in other ways, then this, you know, this is something to look at, right? Okay. Maybe this one way, I'm not getting my need met, but I am getting support in other ways, in this one way, I'm not feeling like I'm getting the support I need. And my partner is not in a place where they can give it because maybe they're stressed or maybe they have their own challenges or maybe they're, you know, depressed, whatever it could be.

Amanda Testa (20:41):

Because, you know, we are two people with our own sets of challenges. And sometimes you might be in a situation where your partner's not able to give you what you want. And so in those situations, what I always think can be supportive is how can you create more support for yourself, right? Maybe you look into hiring more support, right? Maybe you create weekly dates with friends. Maybe you have a rotating call that you do with different friends and you take a walk and you talk to people, right? I love doing that. Cause not only are you like moving your body, but you're talking and you're outside. And that just serves a lot of purposes. You know, we can find ways of connections and yes, I know sometimes it can feel like work and it can feel annoying, but I'm just telling you like anything that you want to thrive, you have to work at it.

Amanda Testa (21:19):

So whether that's having a successful relationship, having, you know, a garden that's growing, having a clean house, like all the things you gotta do, the, the things that make it the way you want it to be. And so it is sometimes work. And so, you know, if you're asking someone to give you something, they can't give, you have to find other ways to give that to yourself. And it hurts when that happens. I know I've been there. It hurts. It hurts. You know, when my husband was going through his healing from his stroke, he didn't have a lot of emotional capacity. That was very hard for me. And that is one of my needs is to be supported emotionally. And that was so hard not to be able to get that from my partner. And what I learned though, through all that is that I gotta get myself supported and then that's so key because then I can come to the table, more resource.

Amanda Testa (22:01):

I can have more compassion for what they're going through and what they might be experiencing. Like his brain was working so hard to heal. He didn't have, have the extra bandwidth. Right. And so that's why the first step in my coaching so many times is creating a list of the things that support you in small ways and how to do those things. Even when it feels hard. And I'm talking about the simplest of things. And sometimes it feels really simple, like to the point where you're like, really, but yes, if you are feeling overwhelmed or if you're feeling stressed, if you're feeling like you're not getting your needs, met those little things, add up, I can't didn't even tell you how much. And sometimes you just don't wanna do 'em in those cases, you can just like have 'em all, you know, scroll 'em all up in a bowl and pull one out and just like pick one, okay, drink a glass of water.

Amanda Testa (22:37):

That is something I can do. Or if that one doesn't feel doable, then maybe it's take three deep breaths. Okay. I think I can do that. Right. I'm talking about the simplest of things, because these are the foundations for building a robust, nervous system is learning to care for ourselves and give us what we need. So maybe it's like, you're feeling like you're about to jump outta your skin and you need to go to the bathroom and do 15 jumping jacks, or you need to shake it off, whatever it might be. Right. I know for me, I get so mad sometimes when I get triggered that's my first response is like rage. And I know that that's about myself. So I'm like, okay, I'm gonna go into the bedroom. I'm gonna punch the pillow a little bit. I'm just gonna like, make some noise, take some deep breaths and just kind of let that run through my system so I can be in a more regulated state and this doesn't work for everyone.

Amanda Testa (23:18):

Right? Because sometimes that's just gonna make you more aggravated. You have to know for yourself, what works for you for me, I know that it's just a wave and I need to ride it and it will calm down. So knowing that I've done a lot of work, I know what I can hold. And what I can;t so do these things. When you know that you're capable of doing them. If you feel like going into the bathroom or going into the bedroom, punching the pillows is gonna unleash the flood gates, then that might not be the right thing for you in that moment. But maybe it is going to the bathroom and like taking five deep breaths or shaking or putting on a song and dancing, whatever it could be. So anyways, the point is going back to that way, to feel more supported and more resourced in yourself.

Amanda Testa (23:51):

So you can come to the table with more compassion and then you can be fair. And what you're asking for and your partner is more able to meet you and give you what you need. So it really does serve the whole relationship so much. And I think too, being able to talk to one another in a way that is supportive, we have often learned these skills, right? So one of my favorite books on this is called nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg. It's so good. You can get his book free on YouTube and listen to it. I mean, that is a great activity to do together. Maybe when you're driving in the car or just as a commitment to one of the goal. If one of the goals in your relationship is to have really good communication, which is an important thing in every relationship, just committing to listening to that together.

Amanda Testa (24:28):

Maybe it takes you a year to listen to it. And that is okay. Even if you're listening for like five or 10 minutes at a time, you're gonna get value from that and your family will get value from it. I mean, I can't even tell you, there's a lot of YouTube videos around using nonviolent communication for kids, which we often listen to with our daughter, because honestly, I think we can all sometimes use kid level education when, especially when we are triggered. So it can be really helpful to, to work with that. And one of the key parts of this is really getting to the root of what you need, as I've mentioned numerous times, because instead of blaming name calling, arguing, the keys of non violent communication are expressing how you are feeling, right. You express what you're experiencing with out name calling or criticizing, right?

Amanda Testa (25:09):

And then you just kind of notice what you observe, right? What you see, what you hear exactly how it is presenting, you know, right. Not your, not necessarily letting a story go there, but like really what you are observing that does not contribute to your wellbeing, or maybe it does. And so, you know, maybe it's a positive way that you wanna communicate something and then how you feel about it, right. How you feel in relationship to what you observe and then what you need or value, right. Rather than a preference or a specific action that causes, you know, more problems within this moment, but just like keeping it simple, what you need and then clearly requesting what you need without demanding. So kind giving a concrete example in this case. So how does this work? All right. I'm gonna go back to my example this morning of being upset about the dog.

Amanda Testa (25:55):

Right? So number one. Okay. First getting to kind of the root of what I was experiencing. I was feeling selfish, right? I was feeling it, my husband was being selfish and insensitive. So what I was observing was okay, when I see you lying in bed, ignoring the dog barking, I feel unvalued. So what I need is I need to feel supported. I value feeling supported. And so would you be willing to help out and take the dog out when the dog's barking in the morning? And it doesn't even have to necessarily be all the time. Right? <laugh>, it's just that one experience that I had. That's why I think sometimes that could be a good thing to note is like, okay, here's what I need. I could have asked much nicer and he would've been more willing to do it. Right. And so granted, these are all tools that take practice and time.

Amanda Testa (26:40):

And so honoring where you are and honoring how you can take part in creating change in your relationship. And I hope these resources have been supportive for you. The one thing I wanna close with, because I really do love this braving acronym from Brene brown. And so you've probably heard this before, if you're a fan of hers, but it's really around her research in building trust, which I think is such a key component in relationships. Not only with someone else, but also with yourself, right? Because our relationship with ourself is a huge part of how we show up to other relationships. And so basically the acronym braving it breaks down trust into seven different elements. So number one, B: boundaries setting boundaries is making clear what's okay and what's not okay. And why, and this can be such a challenging thing for women. Oh my goodness. I mean, I work a lot with clients on boundaries because it can be such a hard thing because we have been so raised to please and to be, you know, helpful and to serve others, which is a beautiful part of being a woman, but also understanding what your boundaries need to be so that you can feel nourished in all that you provide.

Amanda Testa (27:46):

Right. So setting boundaries because then, you know, okay, what's okay and what's not okay. I know for myself, so many of my resentments lie in places, I haven't set a boundary. Okay. Number two R: reliability. Reliability is you do what you'll say you'll do. So at work, this means staying aware of your competencies and limitations. So you don't over promise and are able to deliver on commitments and balance competing priorities. I feel like this also is similar in your personal life, doing what you say you'll do. And if it's not doable, communicating that in a timely matter, A accountability being accountable, you own your own mistakes, apologize and make amends. So this is part of it, right this morning when I was being an asshole to my husband about not taking the dog out, I did, I apologized. And I took accountability for what I did wrong there and did what I needed to do to, you know, repair. That repair piece is so big. V; Vault The fault you don't share information or experiences that are not yours to share.

Amanda Testa (28:37):

I need to know my confidences are kept. And that you're not sharing with me any information about other people that should be confidential either. Right? So gossiping, it falls into this. And I think the other thing two is when I view this in relationships, I, this is part of what I feel is the vault is when you share something in a vulnerable way with your partner, as that, they never ever throw that back out at you in an argument, right? When you share something, from a place of vulnerability that is put in the vault and you don't bring that back out to cause harm at a later date, very important. In my opinion. I: integrity, choosing courage over comfort, choosing what's right over, what's fun, fast or easy, and practicing your values, not just professing them. This integrity piece is so big and it can be so easy to do small things that compromise that as I talked about before, right?

Amanda Testa (29:21):

When you are noticing something in your partner and you okay for, for this example similar to what I talked about last week, but okay. Say you've had a really long day. You're so tired. You finally kick back on the couch with a good book. And you're so excited to just chill and read. And then you notice your partner walking by and they look sad. So option a is you just continue reading and pretend like you didn't notice, and option. B is pausing and looking up at them and say, Hey babe, you look sad. Would you like to sit and talk with me, right? That is choosing courage over comfort. That's practicing your values. If your value is connection. And one of my values is connection with my partner. So if they seem troubled I want to connect and offer support and vice versa, right N: non-judgment, I can ask for what I need.

Amanda Testa (30:06):

And you can ask for what you need. We can talk about how we feel without judgment. That is a very challenging thing to learn sometimes, but it is so important to not judge assume always never. Those kind of words are never good in conversations and keeping things in the present moment, not bringing up experiences from the past, not bringing up old stories again and again, but staying in the present generosity, G generosity extending the most generous interpretation to the intentions, words, and actions of others. So that can be such a compassionate way to view things, right? So maybe instead of, if you're partner, doesn't text you back instead of thinking, oh, theyy are the most selfish inconsiderate person, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Saying, huh? Perhaps they're just really busy and they couldn't jump out to call me, perhaps they're in the middle of a big meeting and they are focused and they aren't looking at their texts or maybe they put their phone away.

Amanda Testa (30:53):

So they could focus on a project and they just lost track of time. Right. Having a generous interpretation to the intentions, words and actions of others. So these, these braving in inventory, you can kind of look at that, right? You can use this, a conversation guide with your partner or, you know, even with yourself, like, what do I need here? Where could I improve? Where could we improve as a couple? What are we really good at? And this really helps to build trust between people. And it's such a powerful thing and I know that's a lot. So maybe just take a breath, give yourself a little wiggle, whatever feels good. But I really, you know, wanted to share that because I feel like these are all such great tools. And sometimes though you just really need a third party support. And so if that's coming up for you and you're wanting some more support in this area, you can reach out to me.

Amanda Testa (31:35):

You can go to Amandatesta.com/activate, and we can schedule a confidential heart to heart because I am currently have a couple spots left for my one-on-one coaching this year. And so now is the time if you feel like you want support, because there really is no better time than the present. My husband has a joke that I love it is when is the best time to plant a tree. And what is the answer 20 years ago? When is the next best time today? Right? So if you wanna make changes, if you want support, I'm here for you. And I hope these resources in this episode are valuable. I'll share it all in the podcast show notes. So you can make sure to find that at Amanda test.com/podcast. And please, if this is, if this is a podcast that you enjoy, I would love If you would share it with your friends. I am so excited because I'm coming up on 200 episodes. We are almost at 200 episodes, cannot even believe it. It's been so such an amazing journey, incredible conversations. And I have had the opportunity to interview so many just out of this world people. And so I hope you have found value here. And if you do enjoy it, please share subscribe, like all the things and wishing you a beautiful, beautiful day, week, evening, night, wherever you are sending you so muc love talk to you next week.

Amanda Testa (32:47):

Thank you so much for listening to the find your feminine fire podcast. This is your host Amanda test. And if you have felt a calling while listening to this podcast to take this work to a deeper level, this is golden invitation. I invite you to reach out. You can contact me at Amandatesta.com/activate, and we can have a heart to heart to discuss more about how this work can transform your life. You can also join us on Facebook and be group finder, feminine fire group. And if you've enjoy this podcast, please share with your friends, go to iTunes and give me a five star rating and a raving review. So I can connect with other amazing listeners like yourself. Thank you so much for being a part of the community.

Want to move from frustration to confidence in your relationship?   If you’re looking to feel epic connection in your relationship, then grab your partner and tune into this episode!  This week on the podcast you’ll discover the secret to bringing in more wildness and pleasure into your relationship, and what you’re doing wrong when it comes to making your woman happy.   Men, listen in to this one for some gems on how to get your partner to truly open to you. 

I’m talking with Ananya Harvey, PhD, Scientist and Shadow and Sexuality Coach for men, and founder of Bliss Science.  After a successful 10-year career as an academic research chemist, she broke free of lab life to pursue experiments in consciousness. 

Ananya spent 4+ years in full-time study and practice of Hatha Yoga, Kundalini, and Tantra in Asia before becoming a certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach with Layla Martin’s VITA coaching. She has pursued transformational work with Prem Baba & John Wineland + Kendra Cunov. She studies conscious communication with the Bay Area T-Group and is a long-term devotee of classical tantrik meditation and non-dual philosophy with Christopher Wallis and Paul Muller-Ortega. 

Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts,Stitcher or Spotify.

Ananya’s life and work represent a bridge between disparate worlds: men and women, science and spiritual practice, the head and the heart. Her no-bullshit, Bliss Science approach to sex & relationships unites the material and spiritual at the heart through non-dual insight, embodiment practices, and modern science.  
 
Ananya has worked with hundreds of men - CEOs and leaders in tech, finance, and consulting - to rekindle passion in sexless marriage, recover confidence post-divorce, heal from performance anxiety, and communicate skillfully with women.

Her offerings include: the Love, Sex, and Confidence course for Men; the Emotional Mastery program, for all genders; the Conscious Sex Fundamentals Workshops for Men and Women; and bespoke 1:1 coaching online.

Connect with Ananya here.

Follow her on Instagram here.

Join her FB group HERE.

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

If you liked this episode, please consider giving me a 5 Star Review on Apple Podcasts! It truly does help the podcast grow. 

Amanda Testa (00:02):

Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a sex love and relationship coach. And in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex love and relationships and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome. Hello everyone. And welcome to the podcast. I am so excited today to have back to the podcast, my friend and colleague, she is such an amazing and talented coach and myriad of other things, Dr. Ananya Harvey! Welcome back Ananya. Hi, it's so good to see you again, Amanda. Yes. So Ananya is a shadow and sexuality coach and she's the founder of Bliss Science. She spent 10 plus years as an academic research chemist. Yes. And then she broke through the lab to pursue experiments in consciousness, so has been spending years studying a full-time study, Hatha yoga, Kundalini and Tantra in Asia before becoming a certified Sex and Relationship coach, as well as studying a lot of conscious communication and many things, but she has got so much wisdom to bring, and she kind of really represents this bridge between two disparate worlds, which I love this analogy that she shares around men and women science and spiritual practice, the head and the heart.

Amanda Testa (01:16):

And she has a very novel approach, which I appreciate. She really has worked with, you know, so many people specifically right now, she's really focusing on working with a lot of men. And she works has worked with hundreds of CEOs, leaders in tech, finance and consulting to rekindle passion in sexless marriages, recover confidence post divorce, heal from performance anxiety, and communicate skillfully with women. So I'm really excited to talk to Ananya today for numerous reasons. And number one, I really, you know, I have so many people ask me, well, I would love for my partner who, if they're male to work with someone who might that be <laugh>. So Dr. Ananya is amazing one as well as to kind of get an insight into men and sexuality. And so, and also if you feel like often there's communication issues or like breakdowns in your relationship, I always invite this podcast to perhaps be just a fun thing you could do together. It perhaps spark some conversation or a deeper insight. So perhaps if this is something you'd want to bring up, you can always say, Hey, tune into this podcast and let's talk about it. So welcome. Thank you so much. Yeah. And so, you know, we were talking before I hit record about how explaining is killing your relationship. And I really think this is such an amazing topic. So can you share more about that if you don't mind?

Dr. Ananya Harvey (02:25):

Yes. I would love to talk about that. So I've worked with a lot of men who really wanna feel closer to their female partners. So I mostly work with people in heterosexual relationships. And so I ask them about, well, what is your communication like with her? And usually when they're telling me about something that's happened recently, like maybe a little, a little argument or something, they'll say, you know, when she's telling me about what she's feeling or what's going on in her head, or she's having big emotions, I usually just say, babe, you know, you don't need to feel that way. Just think about, think about it this way. And they explain why, if she only understood the situation, the way that he did, she wouldn't feel what she was feeling. And that rationally, there was no need for her to be feeling that way.

Dr. Ananya Harvey (03:11):

So <laugh>, and that's totally understandable. I mean, I'm sure I did that in my relationships because I just didn't know there was any other way to communicate. But what this has the effect of doing is it's essentially telling your partner that it's invalidating how she's feeling, that you know better, you know, how she should be feeling that. And that's, you know, her emotions are too much for you and that she just needs to listen to your reason. And that you're right. So this will usually cause her to feel bad about herself, to think that maybe she's too much for you and to close down. I mean, it's also a hurt to the ego, to our pride when we're like, oh, am I just not understanding this situation? Right? Oh, I shouldn't be feeling this way. Why do I do this to myself? And that creates disconnection. She is not gonna want to open to you during sex. When you do that as a man, she's not gonna feel safe to be wild and messy and free and let go of control. Because if she has the thought, oh, he doesn't like my emotions or I'm too much for him, then, you know, wild and amazing sex becomes impossible. You just don't feel safe. Yeah.

Amanda Testa (04:17):

That is So hitting the nail in the head right there. It's interesting. Cause I think I once watched this YouTube video, you've probably seen it <laugh> and it's like, this woman literally has like a nail in her head. Have you seen that one? Yes. And she's like, oh, I've got such a headache. And her male partner is like, well, you have a nail in your head. Just pull the nail out. She's like, you don't ever listen to me. You don't understand what I'm feeling. He's like, yes, pull the nail out. Anyway. It's just so funny because it's exactly like that in a way. Right. Mm-hmm

Dr. Ananya Harvey (04:44):

<Affirmative> exactly. Yes.

Amanda Testa (04:46):

And so in those situations, what then is a better, not necessarily better, but what's a different way to approach that, to help your partner feel like seen and valued and accepted as they are.

Dr. Ananya Harvey (04:57):

Yes. So this is what I call empathic communication. And this is really a bit of a very clever relational move that instead of addressing head on what's going on, you go right to the heart of what she needs. It's kind of like ducking under a punch and going straight to really the meat of what's happening. And so all you need to do as a man when she's expressing some to you, even if the emotions are overwhelming to you and we can talk about how to ground yourself and resource yourself so that you can stay present with her, even if you're having a reaction in your body. But let's assume that you can do that. Then what you need to do is simply repeat back to her what you heard her say and say, all right, babe. So what I'm hearing you say is.dot, dot, and then ask her, is that right? Did I understand you Right? So you're not adding your own wisdom. You're not giving advice. You're not trying to fix the situation. You're not telling her, you know, better or reasoning with her. You're just being totally present and listening and trying to understand her. Yeah.

Amanda Testa (05:57):

And so I love that. How you call it going straight to the heart and like ducking under. Okay. So having that empathetic communication, are there any other, any other keys to that that you feel are important? Yeah.

Dr. Ananya Harvey (06:10):

So that's really the first step of a much bigger communication process that I teach my clients in one, on one in a, I also teach it in my men's course, love sex and confidence for men. That's an online course that I do once a year, but then once she feels totally understood, you know, the second part is to empathize with how she's feeling. So to say, oh, if I, now that I understand what's going on for you, I imagine you might feel frustrated. Or I imagine you, I might be feeling sad is that right. And again, ask her to confirm or to correct you and listen to what she says, cuz she might say, oh, you know what? I actually am feeling really sad. I didn't even realize it until you said that. And it's just a beautiful way to connect and feel understood. So that's step two then there's, you know, you can add more to it. Right.

Amanda Testa (06:56):

And I know, I think when you have that ability to connect with one another and feel understood and accepted, it does create, like you said earlier, that ability to be able to fully surrender and open yourself sexually as well. Right? Because if you don't feel even safe enough to express yourself, then of course you're not going to allow yourself to get into a state where you maybe lose control of that because you want to be free and surrendered and primal or whatever, call mm-hmm <affirmative> calls to you in this <laugh>.

Dr. Ananya Harvey (07:27):

Yeah. Yes, yes. And you know, when a man can show up this way for his partners, then she starts to see him as part of the same team. You know like we're in this together. Yeah. He's helping me go deeper into myself, understand my heart. And he really cares about how I'm feeling. So then she will want to talk to you more. She'll want to open to you more cuz then she'll feel safe like that It's okay to be who she is and you won't try to talk her out of it.

Amanda Testa (07:55):

Oh. And so I love that so much. I think like you say like feeling in it together. I don't know where I read this, but I think it's so important. Like when you think about when you're in a partnership it's like it's me and you versus the problem. Yeah. Versus me versus you <laugh> yes. Right? Yes. It makes such a huge difference when you can have that reframe. It's not easy all the time for sure. But creating that. It does create a feeling of safety. I'm wondering too, what else you might share to help? Because I do feel like this can benefit anyone, is creating that emotional safety with your partner.

Dr. Ananya Harvey (08:28):

Yes. So a lot of men come to me and they ask, how can I, you know, turn my partner on more? How can I seduce her more? And I usually say, well, how are you helping her feel, you know, emotionally and psychological, safe around you. And this is usually something men have not ever been taught or considered or known how to do. And what this means is that, I mean, emotional safety simply means that she can express how she's feeling to you and you're not going to judge her or criticize her. And this doesn't mean that she gets to be abusive towards you. That's the extreme end. No, you still need to have self respect and boundaries on both ends of the relationship. Yeah. But you know, so many times we've been taught that emotions are weak. That reason is what we want and we are, and men, especially, but women do it too are, are suppressing their emotional world.

Dr. Ananya Harvey (09:23):

And so when we see emotions come up in someone else, because I mean, all we know how to do is to judge them or to try to get rid of them. There's also something else that's going on for men here, which is, there is sometimes a subconscious fear Men have that If they don't keep their partner happy all the time, then she won't want to have sex with them. So when she's expressing anger or sadness or disappointment or something difficult, it can be it's, it's terrifying on a primal level to a man. Yeah. And becasue men haven't had any education around how to deal with emotions and because they so long to be desired by their woman, then they just try to shut it down so fast and get her back to happy any way they can. And it's not done out of malice it's done out of, you know, love and wanting things to be good. Yeah.

Amanda Testa (10:16):

I really appreciate you sharing that perspective cuz it is true. And I think something else that can happen, and this might be a little deeper than we'll dive into here. But oftentimes if one partner is very reactive, then you know, it also can be childhood things coming up. Right. If you had a parent or caregiver who was reactive or like overly had a lot of big emotions that were scary to you as a child, sometimes that can like trigger that same type of thing too. So also kind of being aware of what's coming up when you are in these experiences, right? Yes.

Dr. Ananya Harvey (10:45):

That's a really good point. So definitely you need to give yourself an education on how our nervous systems work and how to be in relationship. We don't get this education and it destroying our ability to have intimacy <laugh> so you guys, you need to approach this just like a nerdy scientific research project. Okay. Because there's lots of really cool stuff out there about how our bodies work, how nervous systems work, how emotions work, how communication works. It's so interesting. Like how bonding hormones work. There's nothing shameful or weird or weak about studying relating. It's super fascinating. And if you really wanna get your needs met, really take it on as a research project. Your relationship, of course, I'm a researcher in my background by training. So I, I love researching this stuff, but you need to find a way to make yourself excited about learning, how to relate.

Amanda Testa (11:38):

I Just really wish this was taught in schools. It needs to be, I mean, I have to say, thankfully, my daughter she's in fourth grade now, but in kindergarten they actually even taught them body mapping, which I thought was huge because this is like kind of understanding what's happening in your body, what your sensations are, all these things. This is part of that learning. But, and it's okay if you don't know what we're talking about because you can learn. But I love how you say, you know, just to view it as relating is a beautiful skill and you can use it in any facet of your life, which is why I think oftentimes men, a lot of times are conditioned. Like they need to know all the answers and they need to already have, have these things. And so by not knowing that means there's something wrong with them, but it's nothing.

Amanda Testa (12:17):

It's just nothing we've been taught. Like we have never been taught these things and it is no wonder, so many people struggle. And so many relationships fail and people can't move past challenges often because we've never been taught how to do that. Right. And we are, and we are in a place now where, you know, and you can open up to this learning that it does benefit every area of your life because you can have a better relationship with not only your partner, your children, your business relationships. I mean, it really is huge. The ripple effect it can have.

Dr. Ananya Harvey (12:44):

Oh yes, yes. This changes the way. I mean, a lot of men come to work with me and they say, I want it to be a better lover, but this is making me a better person. It has impacted how present I can be for my kids. It's impacted how well I get along with my colleagues at work and how good of a manager I am. I mean, so this is really important stuff. And I will say also it, it is so true that men are conditioned to think you have to always be right. You have to have all the answers. It's not okay to not know or to engage a process of learning. But this is actually one of the fundamental rights is to exist, to need things, to engage a process of learning. And one thing I wanna say is that I had a couple come to me recently and the woman was doing a lot of personal development work and the man was fairly recalcitrant.

Dr. Ananya Harvey (13:28):

He had a very scientific mind like me. And so, you know, I just talked to him about stuff and I gave him a book to read about embodying different archetypes and playing with energy in how he related to his woman. And at first he was like, I, he told me he was very resistant and he didn't wanna read it at all, but it only took one chapter and he had been skeptical and just stubborn. It would not, was not willing to go there. One chapter, he came back. He was like, why didn anybody tell me this 20 years ago, this is so much fun. And that's the thing also. It's actually fun when you start knowing how to dance with each other relationally. Ah, yeah. What's

Amanda Testa (14:07):

The book do if you don't mind me asking,

Dr. Ananya Harvey (14:09):

Oh, it's Open Her by Karen Brody. I believe. Yeah. That is a good

Amanda Testa (14:13):

Book. I love it. I think too.

Dr. Ananya Harvey (14:17):

Yeah, please. Okay. So the other point you were making about sometimes in a relationship, it's bringing up wounds from childhood and it's really overwhelming. I wanna speak to that for a moment. So if you're a man and interacting with your woman, when she's anything besides happy is just really, really overwhelming. Like it's cripplingly you inside the fear is so intense or you're seeing red or you just can't, it's just really hard to bear. That's okay. Be gentle with yourself. You're not weak. What I want you to know is sometimes this brings up wounds from childhood that are super intense, and this is common for all of us. At some point we'll need to confront those, but when that's happening to you, that's when you need to get a third person to help you do the healing work together. There's a lot of this work you can do on your own, but when it's that intense, then you definitely need to seek outside help.

Amanda Testa (15:05):

Yes. So important. And I think too, oftentimes we don't often realize how we trigger one another. I mean we can, but it's sometimes when you have that just third party, it can be so supportive and help heal so many things. You know, one of the things that I feel like we were talking about earlier that think is important to name too, is that, you know, oftentimes we see people because they either want more, more intimacy with their partner and they feel like their partner is not, is not open to that. Or they want to feel less shut down and all these things. And so, you know, a lot of what we've been talking about are some, some really key foundational pieces to be able to have that right. Being able to feel safe and communicating with one another, being able to learn skills, to be together and to learn how to relate as well. As you know, I think I'd be curious to know a lot of times what men actually want and why they have a hard time speaking it, if you wouldn't mind sharing more about that. Oh

Dr. Ananya Harvey (16:02):

Yeah. That's a great question. So, you know, a lot of men, they are just really, really, really longing to please their woman come to me and they say nothing else matters, especially in sex only if she is happy. If she orgasms, if she has pleasure, you know, I really, really wanna be a good lover for her. And I just think that is such a sweet desire, you know, <laugh> and they struggle a lot with worrying during sex. Worrying that, you know, they're a good enough lover that their performance is good and they struggle to say that they think it's not okay to reveal themselves like, Hey, I'm actually anxious right now. I'm worried you think that I'm not good enough for you? Or sometimes when men do say that to their female partners, their partners shut them down. Their partners are not kind. So because unless women have done their own work too, we've also been trained to be pretty critical of men. Yeah.

Amanda Testa (17:01):

The criticism. Right. And that is such a shut quickest way to shut things down, right. From our perspective, that criticism is just like a, such a fast way to shut down.

Dr. Ananya Harvey (17:12):

Yep. And so what are really longing for is to, to feel safe in making love to their woman, that they can maybe not perform up to their own standards and that she won't criticize them or make fun of them, that she won't close down. They really wanna be able to have like, to be real and to have that deep connection with her. So this is the thing they don't usually say is that for men, sex is about the deepest connection they ever experience in life. It's about love, you know, it's about the freedom to bring their full self. And I think women really, most of the time think that for men's sex is just about this physical act. And so women can be very dismissive of men's desire and the men never sat down their woman and said, look, this is what sex means to me. This is what it does for me and my heart. And for us, I mean, it just means the world to them.

Amanda Testa (18:08):

Yeah. I just, I think that is such a great question to ponder with one another, right? Like what does it mean to your heart? I mean, that's so huge. I'm curious. You know, one of the things you mentioned earlier is that how much men want to be desired? Like how much they want to be desired. I feel like everybody really wants that. Right. That feeling of being desired. And I'm wondering what are some ways to, to feel that or to make them feel desired. Right. I think first of all, a making sure that you are connected to that in yourself, you know, how to connect to your desire, but also how to make your partner feel desired. Mm

Dr. Ananya Harvey (18:40):

Yes. So I mean, they really want their woman to initiate sex and they really want to be fully received by her. They want her to know pleasure and to experience it with him, it's a bit of a conundrum because when I talk to women about this, I know women universally say, oh my God, I felt like a human pin cushion. And he had just this needy energy, just groping at me all the time. And here I am not sleeping and feeding the baby and working and cleaning the house. So why would I ever want sex? It's one of the biggest difficulties of our modern life. And I think it's a bigger conversation, but I mean, for me, I think just the nuclear family is not set up to support parents to support a healthy sexual life. And women are taught that sex is shameful and it's gross and it's just a duty for the man. So why would we ever cultivate that side of ourselves?

Amanda Testa (19:31):

Yeah. I mean, it's such a different thing when women do their own work on connecting with their own sexuality and really the expansiveness that is possible and also just creating that space for play. Right. I really do feel like sex is a play for adults, right. Just that environment of intimacy and being together in this way, that is so deep and pure in a lot of ways. Right. And so kind of reframing it from something you feel like just another to do to something you actually look forward to. I mean, and I do believe you're right. Like the way that our culture is set up is not conducive to that. And you know, I really feel like that there's so much invisible labor often that the human givers take on which most of the time is the woman partner often. But because there is, there's just so much to be done. And I think often everyone feels like there's a million things on their plates. So what then do they do in these situations? <Laugh> what do we do? I, I mean, I got some ideas and I'd love to hear your ideas.

Dr. Ananya Harvey (20:25):

Yeah. So, you know, I chose a very different path in life, full disclosure. Like I chose not to have children in, to study sex and relating from a, a different framework cuz I, I just, so I haven't struggled with that in the nuclear family, but I can tell you what I see for myself, which is that sex is a gift. It's, it's an opportunity to feel amazing. And you know, I cannot imagine seeing it as a chore actually, because it makes me feel so good in my body. And then I'm able to show up with love and with happiness and full of energy for the rest of the people in my life. There's a photographer who takes pictures of women. Before, during and after orgasm and the, before pictures, they're kind of like, oh, they look kind of sad, you know, <laugh> and then during their faces are all scrunched up and you know, or they're looking up and then after they're universally glowing and happy and giggly <laugh> and I'm like, is there a way you could, you know, reframe sex as this gift that you can have from your man, from your partner that he gives you or you know, that you do for each other to take each other to this space of like relaxation and to de-stres and openness, what do you think?

Amanda Testa (21:40):

I mean, I agree. I think it's often just getting creative with getting creative with how you find time together. So cuz sometimes it can be hard, especially depending if your kids are really little or if at the age where they're older and they're always around and then they never give you alone time. Right. There's always different challenges. So I think it's getting creative on how to make time for each other, whether that is when they're at school, you know, I love an afternoon play date with my husband. Those are the best or rounding up a neighbor or a friend in, or a trusted caregiver and like taking turns, watching each other's kids or you know, taking a night away. My husband and I did that last week and it was like a miracle. It was so funny. I saw my neighbor when I was coming home. She's like, she's got a facial. I was like, no, but I had some good orgasms and that counts <laugh> right. Because that's just the best. And I do feel like it's because so many people just aren't taught how to have good sex. And I feel like it's such an important thing because it can be so amazing. I think the reason people aren't realizing that is cuz they've not had that kind of experience yet. They haven't yet had the kind of sex that's amazing. And it's possible for anyone cuz a learned skill. Yes.

Dr. Ananya Harvey (22:48):

Yes. I didn't like sex either through my whole twenties until I had that experience when it was amazing. And you know, as Katherine Rowland documented in her book, The Pleasure Gap, it's not that women don't like sex often. They don't like the sex that's on offer because it's not good. And again, men, this is not your fault. How are you supposed to know the only models we give you are abstinence education or porn. So I'm not anti porn, but it's just, you know, if that's the only thing, you know, so that's why a lot of men come to me and I'm like, okay, this is how you become a conscious lover. This is how you become the kind of lover that, and I, and I had this happen recently where you know, there was a man who learned to do pussyy massage and his partner. She wasn't too sure about it, but after he did it for her once and she had amazing orgasms, then even though she almost never initiates, she woke him up the next night when he was sleeping and asked him for sex, you know? So it just takes a little, little shifting of how you show up. Yeah. And it can be

Amanda Testa (23:52):

Really good for her. And I mean, I think the beautiful thing is that I think that's what it's. So when you can take that on together as like a, a growing opportunity in a couple, because oftentimes I work with people who have been together a really long time and they love each other or there's a good foundation, but there's just not that spark. And oftentimes when it comes to doing the work, there's all, there's usually more there than just the spark missing because it is sometimes, you know, like resentments pile up and all the things. And it's like really learning how to create a new experience together where you can just leave those kind of things in the past, create something new because oftentimes that's kind of the best way to move forward. I think there's a great book too, that I, I read called Fair Play, by Eve Rodsky around redistributing household responsibilities, more evenly.

Amanda Testa (24:36):

And I think those are, I mean like any, I don't know. I feel like sometimes that's an important thing to look at. So you always have to just see for yourself, like what is it that is seeing in the way of connection. And I listen to, to a beautiful podcast the other day with Brene Brown on her new book. Mm-Hmm <affirmative> but I just love a lot of the research cuz again, research research. Right. And she was talking about, I think maybe it was John Gotlib who was talking about every moment that you have an opportunity for connection or betrayal of trust in a way if they're trying to build trust. So it's like, if you see your partner and there's a moment to connect and you choose to ignore it, you're kind of like betraying that connection. Or if you choose to take that moment of presence, it can be huge for both parties. Right. Cuz I think that was a really beautiful eye opening thing. Like yes. Where can I look at those opportunities that I'm missing? Or where am I betraying connection? Mm-Hmm <affirmative> in my own experience. Right?

Dr. Ananya Harvey (25:25):

Yeah. Beautiful know someone said a foreplay is everything that happens outside of sex, you know <laugh> so I talk to men and I'm like, oh, so when was the last time you courted her? And they'll say, oh, before we got married and I'm like, okay, this is where we need to start, you know? Right. Keep be holding her with those eyes of adoration and you know, bring her flower or put your hand on the smile of her back and tell her that you love her without it meaning you need to have sex later that night just for the pure joy of admiring her feminine beauty.

Amanda Testa (25:57):

Yeah. I think that is a beautiful thing to consider. Right. How can I date my partner? Yeah. Because sometimes when I feel like things are in a really big rut, I'll just ask Mark if I can be his girlfriend,

Dr. Ananya Harvey (26:10):

I love that you two do that. You two are such an amazing example. <Laugh>

Amanda Testa (26:15):

Cause it's so much more fun. I was like, can I be your girlfriend? <Laugh>

Dr. Ananya Harvey (26:18):

Right. Or can we go on a first date together? <Laugh>

Amanda Testa (26:21):

But, and I think sometimes it's fun. Like you are mentioning an open her but just playing with archetypes in different personas because you do get, I mean sometimes especially in long term relationships, you can get stuck in these roles. And even just as a busy mom, I can feel like that sometimes. And just like, Ugh. And so I just wanna like put on a different persona and it is such a refreshing experience often. <Laugh>

Amanda Testa (26:43):

Yes. I love that you're speaking to that and that you're willing to do the work. I know even you are, you are the busy mom, but you're like, no, I wanna feel better. So I'm gonna do this work too. It's not just for him. It's for me. I mean, and you know, cuz you actually Ananya actually coached Mark and I, and she's an amazing relationship coach, but I mean, because like everyone, we have our own problem and things, but we just really work to do our best to work through them. And I think that's all we can do because you know, if you, no, nobody comes into this without challenges. Right. We all have our own experiences, our own things We bring individually and together. And so I feel like it should just be an important, like just working out, like, like to taking care of yourself, taking care of your body, you gotta nourish anything. You want to be healthy. Yes. Including your relationship.

Dr. Ananya Harvey (27:28):

Yeah. And to talk about expectations around sex before you commit to a monogamous lifelong partnership. Yeah. Because otherwise it's really, really hard when the sex goes away and the desire goes away and there's no openness to talk about it. It really hurts. And I see the loneliness and frustration and men come sideways in, you know, hiring, you know, online cam girls or, you know, getting their needs met secretly in other ways. And then just the connection between the parents dies completely. And it's not a helpful model to have that for your children. But I wanted to talk about also like the idea of can, can I be your girlfriend? I recommend that in sex too, you know? So to approach sex, a lot of us come unconsciously to sex from a performance model. And men tell me this all the time.

Dr. Ananya Harvey (28:19):

They don't think it's okay to stop or to slow down or to take breaks, or they even say like, if I try to do something different, she gets upset with me. She only wants me to do this one thing and see if you can approach your sex life as if you're playing together, you know, like in a sandbox, even you're trying different things, it's okay to sort of make a mistake and something crumbles for a minute and to have these eyes as of an Explorer or like you're dating each other again so that it's not about how well you perform as a man or as a woman, but it's about how much fun can you have together. And that's moving to the pleasure model from the performance model is just following the fun and the flow and the pleasure and trying different things and giving each other permission, get it wrong or for something to feel awkward for a minute, but <laugh>, but then you can get kind of fixated on like I have to have this many orgasms as the goal and don't get me wrong.

Dr. Ananya Harvey (29:15):

Orgasms are great. However, there's also a sacred model of sex where kind of orgasms are a side benefit. But what you're practicing together is dissolving into conscious into oneness. And this is more like the NeoTantric view, the spiritual view of sex. And it's like, how much can I bear my soul to you? How deeply can I see into your eyes and in your heart, how much can I surrender and how can we hold each other in emotional and psychological safety, meaning whatever you're feeling, whatever you're expressing, I'm gonna hold you in it. If you're crying, if you need to scream, like I'm, we're gonna be there for each other to just go as deep into this as we can. And that's a whole other level of sex and it makes it so much more interesting. In My opinion to have the flexibility to play on that whole spectrum.

Amanda Testa (30:05):

I love that it is so true because even I always feel there's always deeper levels and more you can open, right? Because you think you get to a certain surrender state, but then realizing, oh but, there's deeper. I bet I can go deeper <laugh> and feeling safe enough to do it. And so it's like build all of that. That's why everything builds on one another, because you can't just immediately go into like these deep states, if you don't feel safe to, to do that. And so, and I think, and even too, in my own experience, just realizing, I thought I was pretty open and with my husband, but realizing like, oh, I really, my heart is very closed. And, and I have having those experiences of like, I thought I was open, but I wasn't. And the difference of like really opening.

Dr. Ananya Harvey (30:48):

Hmm. Oh, I wanna hear more about that someday soon.

Amanda Testa (30:51):

So good. <Laugh> so good. Yes.

Dr. Ananya Harvey (30:54):

Yeah. And, and so how you can do this on a practical level is maybe one of you wants to try a new way of having sex and let's say you.re the woman and you're like, oh no, I I'm worried I have too much cellulite or you know, that you won't like me from that angle or whatever it is. And to be able to say that to him, you know, and then for him to kiss you or caress you and compliment you in a certain way for him to be able to hold your insecurity and be like, I hear that. And to me, you're a goddess, right? So those little moments of insecurity to speak them, to be vulnerable, to hold each other through that. And then you can go a step deeper.

Amanda Testa (31:30):

Yeah. I love that. I think another fun thing, you can always do a dry run literally, which I sometimes joke, like, just keep your clothes on and have a dry run of it. I like see how that feels. Cause sometimes that just, you know, it's, it's a very vulnerable space and like being, building that safety to be really naked and vulnerable sometimes maybe start with the truck with your clothes on, if you'd right. <Laugh> I love that performance to pleasure to sacred model because I think, I just think that's such a beautiful way to view it. Thank you so much for all this amazingness. I'm wondering if there's any, you know, if there's maybe any question that you wished I'd asked that I didn't ask or, or anything else that you wanna make sure to bring mm-hmm <affirmative>.

Dr. Ananya Harvey (32:09):

I think what I see a lot is really that sex is so important to our wellbeing and, and feeling connected and desired is, is really, really important to men. And I wonder what it would be like for women to hold that in the same importance or why. I mean, it makes sense, you know, because we have the big responsibility of bearing and raising the children. But I think that's the question I sit with a lot is like, why is it put aside for half of the population? You know, the beauty and the importance of sex and something I wanted to add is if you're a man and you're working on self-regulation in the face of intense emotion, you know, if that's a totally new territory for you, I am start a program in February called emotional mastery. That's all about, yeah. Emotional intelligence, self-regulation understanding the subconscious and also practicing this empathic communication practice. I was going over in the beginning and it's actually open to all genders. This course it's my only all gender course, but men love it. They come in. They're like I had no idea There were so much science underneath how we deal with our emotions using our body. Yeah.

Amanda Testa (33:24):

So, well, that sounds thrilling. I'd love to hear, you know, where everyone can find out more about you and where they can connect with you. Let everyone know.

Dr. Ananya Harvey (33:31):

Yes. So my website is Ananaharvey.com.  You can and follow me on instagram@bliss.science. That's speaking to my background as a PhD chemist and then my training as a Tantra teacher. And those are the best ways to get ahold of me. Oh, you can also join my BLISS science group on Facebook, where I post free lots of free videos, free content. And you'll be the first to know about the programs I offer when you're in my group too.

Amanda Testa (33:59):

Thank you so much Ananya for being here and for everyone listening, I will make sure to put in the show notes where you can connect with her and learn more about all the programs offered under Bliss science. So thank you all for being here. And again, if you enjoy this episode, you know, invite your partner to listen with you because I really do feel like, this is such important work to do together. Thank you. Yes, goodbye. Everyone. I'll see you next week. 

Thank you so much for listening to the find your feminine fire podcast. This is your host Amanda test. And if you have felt a calling while listening to this podcast to take this work to a deeper level, this is your golden invitation. I invite you to reach out. You can contact me at amandatesta.com/activate and we can have a heart to heart to discuss more about how this work can transform your life. You can also join us on Facebook at Find Your Feminine Fire Group. And if you've enjoy this podcast, please share with friends, go to iTunes and give me a five star rating and a raving review. So I can connect with other amazing listeners like yourself. Thank you so much for being a part of the community.

All of us experience pain at some point in our lives, and it can sometimes feel impossible to move past hurtful experiences, however when we can open to the possibility that our pain can in turn become our greatest power, miracles can occur!

This week I'm talking with my friend and colleague Cory Scott.   Cory is a partner, mother of two, and lover of the elements.  She fancies herself a performance coach for witches and a liberator of inner children.  Formally, she is a licensed clinical social worker, a certified EMDR therapist, VITA™ sex, love, and relationship coach, and 500 RYT yoga instructor.  She is fascinated by the relationship between ancient tantric teachings, our human experiences, and neurobiology.  She shines most brightly in the darkest places, although she is often caught dancing in the light, and loves to plant seeds and watch them grow.

Tune into this episode for some gems on how to use connect to your power inside. 

Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts,Stitcher or Spotify.

Connect with Cory Below!

Find her website HERE.

Connect on Instagram HERE.

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

If you liked this episode, please consider giving me a 5 Star Review on Apple Podcasts! It truly does help the podcast grow. 

PLEASE EXCUSE ANY MISSPELLINGS AND GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, auto transcribed.

Amanda Testa (00:02):

Hello, and Welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a sex love and relationship coach, and in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex love and relationships and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome.

Amanda Testa (00:20):

Hello, everybody and welcome to the podcast this week. I am very thrilled to be talking with my friend and colleague Cory Scott, and I just love talking with Cory because she is such a genius of information and just, I love her spin on how the things that happen to us in life don't have to necessarily be the things that take us down, right? They can be sources of power and empowerment and becoming more resilient. And Cory, she is a, a partner she's mother of two, and I love this. She fancies herself a performance coach for witches and a liberator of, of inner children.

Amanda Testa (00:59):

She's a licensed clinical social worker, a certified EMDR therapist, and she's also a ViTa sex and relationship coach and a 500 hour yoga instructor. And we actually met through the ViTa coaching program cuz we're both senior teachers there and I just always love her insights specifically around trauma healing and how it doesn't always have to be such a scary heavy thing and really how we can all benefit. We were just talking before we started recording too, how like all, it would be such a benefit to our society if some like just basic tools <laugh> would be taught to us at an early age. So I want you to talk about that and it just made me think. I remember when my daughter was in kindergarten, they were doing body mapping, which I was just like celebrating the teacher so much. Cause I thought, wow, wouldn't that be really cool? Well, if I'd have learned that when I was, you know, six versus 36, <laugh> how old I was <laugh>

Cory Scott (01:50):

Yes, yes, absolutely. Yes. But welcome.

Amanda Testa (01:53):

Thank you for being here.

Cory Scott (01:54):

Ah, thank you for

Amanda Testa (01:55):

Having me, Amanda, is there anything else that you'd like to, to say, to introduce yourself or, or share a little bit about you and your story? Yeah, I been

Cory Scott (02:04):

Sure <laugh> yeah, I mean, my path personally has been a long path of personal development, trauma healing, and really finding my own resiliency and power in the, in the process. And so I spent the majority of my professional career working as a therapist and have recently in the last few years transitioned to coaching and teaching. And it's really combined all my areas of interest in this beautiful, magical way where I get to work on, you know, really kind of, I guess, high level functioning, right. Rather then kind of working with pain as the path to stabilization, right. Wanting to see symptoms reduced and a level of functioning that you know, is generally accepted. Be the goal. Like if that is the model of therapy moving into coaching, I really it's been so fun for me to take the skills and apply them to performance, to empowerment on a greater level.

Cory Scott (03:13):

And I'm just so in love with my clients in the work that I'm able to do, it has also been this beautiful combination of yeah, all the yoga studies and mindfulness, self pleasure, you know, all, all that work that really, for the majority of the last 15 years I have felt has been very personal. I mean, I did bring some of that into my therapy work for sure. I did some yoga within group settings and, and used mindfulness techniques, but it's a different ballgame now, like really being able to use, use my skills in a, you know, really kind of Emergent sort of co-created way that, that builds on developing this resilience and this personal power that that is, I'm just almost like addicted to it. Right. It's just so delicious and we all have it and yeah. Anyways, I'm excited to talk about it.

Amanda Testa (04:13):

Yes. I love it. And I just, you're not, you can't see Corey right now, but just even like her lighting up, she's talking about it. I'd love, you would share a little bit more about, you know, what personal power means to you.

Cory Scott (04:23):

Yeah, absolutely. Well, I think one of the big sort of cornerstones of personal power to me is the ability to choose, right? Like choice is such a huge piece of that. And when I see people who are really high checked by a trauma response, that's one of the first things that we often notice. Right. And it, you know, like sometimes people name that kind of like the victim mindset. Right. Which gets a really, again, like I think a really bad rep, but the, the, the internal sense of like, I don't have choice here. Right? I can't maybe control, what's popping up into my head. I'm having these intrusive negative thoughts. I'm having intrusive memories. I'm just getting flooded with emotion, right. There's not a sense of choice or power and control over what's going on internally. And then of course this also impacts external like relationships right there as the internal world is getting more and more or chaotic, you know, the it's, it's also showing up in the external world.

Cory Scott (05:26):

And so having that sense of like, okay, I can choose where I put my attention. I can choose even, you know, how I'm gonna approach this situation. Right. That's a basic mindfulness skill, but it's also a huge piece of personal power being able to pause. Right. I think it was Victor Frankel who said something to the effect of between the stimulus and the response there's a space, And in that space is your power and trauma really collapses that space. Right. You know, and, and we lose that, that sense of, of choice that comes in the pause between what we're taking in from the outside world or the cues that are coming from our internal existence, and then how we respond to that.

Amanda Testa (06:08):

So good. I love that. Thank you for expanding on that because I do feel like, you know, what you just said there about finding that space and the choice, how that is possible. Like in any situation you can get to that. Right. And I think, you know, we were speaking earlier on this too, is that there's I loved how you said, you know, a lot of times work around trauma can feel so heavy and big and scary, but really we're all, it's just the way we respond to things and it's not like good or bad, it's just what is right. And so when we can kind of have a better understanding of it, it doesn't have to be so heavy and scary, and there are ways to go about working with triggers and all of these things that aren't so scary. Right. I'd love to hear you share more about that.

Cory Scott (06:46):

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Well, I like to tell my clients that trauma healing is kind of like we get to do the dessert PO first <laugh>, that's how I like to talk about it. And, and, and I think it's important, right? Because to live with a lot of unprocessed trauma can be so incredibly painful, right? It, it can feel like, I don't know if I'm gonna have a good day or a bad day, again, that lack of choice, that lack of power and control is so often such a huge theme. And so, you know, starting with the dessert course to me is like such a, such a perfect <laugh> way to work with something that's hard and heavy. It's like you get to have the, the sweetness, the goodness first. And, and I think it's a really important piece. And, you know, when I first started to do this work long time ago, I really wanted to get to the meat and potatoes.

Cory Scott (07:35):

You know, it was like, what are those traumatic exp says, how are they stored in the body? Right. How can we like resolve this? And the longer that I worked with folks, the more I realized how important that dessert course is. I mean, probably it's nutritionally speaking, like not the greatest analogy because obviously, you know, dessert, nutritionally is not, not so good for us, but the course in trauma healing is extremely nourishing, right? It's like that a drink of water when you've been thirsty for a long time, it doesn't resolve all of your health issues, but it really helps like get some balance going. And so, you know, to me, the, the dessert course includes containment, right? Being able, you actually differentiate things that have happened in the past. The, the sensations that come along in the body with that experience, the negative beliefs, the emotions, the images, right.

Cory Scott (08:32):

Being able to actually externalize them and put them away in a container. This is BA one form of containment. It's a really basic kind of external visualization process. But for folks who can use a container, it's so incredibly helpful, and this is one of those skills. I think every kindergartner needs to have a container, right? Because it's just like, even without thinking about like big T shock traumas, we all carry around for most of us, a level of kind of chronic stress and worry and concern about things that aren't happening right now that deplete our energy and degrade our self-esteem. And maybe, you know, we havoc in our relationships sometimes too. And so this ability to kind of differentiate, to say, wow, this is a real stressor. I, I need to deal with this, right? It's not repression. It's not suppression. I'm not pretending like it's not there.

Cory Scott (09:23):

I'm acknowledging it, but I'm saying, you know what, I'm gonna get this out to look at it when I'm ready. When I have support, when you know, I, I have time carved out, out in my schedule and an intention, but right now is not the time for that. And I'm, and I'm gonna actually put it away, put the lid on my container, clear it out of my body in my mind. You know, I think that's that to me is one of the most important ingredients in the dessert course. There can be a slow path to, to containment. It can take a while to kind of strengthen that, the ability to set something aside. But it is really, to me, that's the first step in regaining power and control over your internal environment is like, oh, this happened, right. It's passed. And yes, it's charged. Yes.

Cory Scott (10:09):

There's a lot of unresolved energy and issues with it, but I get to choose when I get it out and look at it, how long I look at it. Right. And I can, I always know when I get it out that I can put it back away again. And so that's a big piece, right? And then all the resources that, that we work on at the beginning of any kind of trauma healing, right? Establishing a sense of safety, of power and confidence. These are all things that are like the necessary area ingredients to establish so that when you get in to get the trauma out, it's ready to, you know, integrate and link to those positive resources, to that sense of power and control. I can survive. <Laugh>, you know, challenging situations they pass. It helps the body to really be able to come into the present moment and, and feel all of that goodness, and, and actually link it to those adverse experiences and patterns that we carry. So good.

Amanda Testa (11:07):

I love too, you know, when you are talking about having all the dessert makes it easier to then go in <laugh> yeah. Versus like the, the opposite <affirmative> and you know, one of the things that I, I think is so powerful that I often see as well is just that, you know, PE so many people have this fear, like, oh, that I just don't wanna attempt to deal with that. Like that's too much, blah, blah, blah. <Laugh> when really, I feel like it's more of just becoming who you are in a way. Right? Like we, we often just define ourselves by certain patterns that aren't necessarily true, right?

Cory Scott (11:43):

Yes. <laugh> totally, absolutely.

Amanda Testa (11:47):

And so people might think, well, I don't need that. I mean, I never had anything bad happen to me, so I didn't even need to worry about it, but it is like you were saying earlier, not necessarily the big Dettra shock trauma, but just like little things, like little patterns that repeat. And I have, I'll just share one quick, funny story about this, because we have a joke in our house though, whenever something is lost that I need to go look in the dumpster because that's like a, my immediate go-to like, I'm freaking out, it's gone. It's in the dumpster. And I laugh because I know that's not true, but literally I just had this experience today where my mom, you know, she loses her keys. She's always she's. We joke that she has a little bit of O C D like everything's super clean, always.

Amanda Testa (12:20):

So as a kid, like everything was just like gone and probably in the trash, if I lost something <laugh> so that's where it stems from. But I was just laughing cuz literally she texted me. She's like, think goodness, I found my keys. They were out in the trash can and the trash man was about to come. So I got him just in the time and I had to send that text to my husband and I was like, see, this is where it comes from. And we laugh so hard. Cause like little things like that, that can cause like these crazy fights in the house, like you need to put things where they go. They're not in the dumpster, whatnot. But those and how those little silly things show up in your relationship. Right?

Cory Scott (12:52):

Absolutely. Absolutely. Amanda, I mean, yes. I, to me trauma healing and the principles and even process of trauma healing is so much bigger than shock trauma. Right. And, and this is where I like to think of, it's not like, do I have trauma? It's like, where, where do I have it? And yeah. I mean, if you think about, if you back up and look, look at the big picture of trauma as an unsd stress cycle held in the nervous system, right. It gets stored in my, my way of thinking basically under one of three primary kind of negative cognitions or negative beliefs, th these negative themes, right? The one is safety vulnerability, right? I'm not safe. I can't be trusted, no one on the planet maybe can be trusted power and control, which is what we were just talking about. Right. I can't handle it.

Cory Scott (13:46):

How many times do we think, do we get overwhelmed and think like, I can't handle this it's too much. Right. I mean, perhaps there's a incomplete stress cycle sitting over right underneath that thought, right. I'm helpless. I don't have any, there's no way out. Right. Those are all power and control themes that, that are so classically trauma responses. And then the third category, which I think so many people identify with is defectiveness and responsibility. So it's my fault. There's something wrong with of me. Right. All that low self-esteem negative self-talk is so often sitting around incomplete stress, just like, like you described, that's such a beautiful example of something that really impacted you and stayed with you and created anxiety and stress. Right. And even shaped your identity and how you enter act when you lose things. But it's not abuse from your mother. Right.

Cory Scott (14:40):

And, and it certainly wasn't intentional. Right. I mean, you know, there are probably lots of kids that grew up in homes that were really chaotic and, you know, would have dreamed of a really tidy, clean household. But yeah, we, we impact each other like as humans. Right. And, and these things stay in us. And so to me, trauma healing is this like incredible gift. I mean, it, to me, it's true empowerment work. You can't really separate the two. And it's hard to do any kind of, I think, integrated blasting empowerment work without addressing trauma because it's, they're so connected. Right. And the way that we think and feel about ourself and see ourself in the world is often painted by our vulnerabilities. Right. We kind of have these negative bias brains. And so, yeah, it's a, it's such a big, big piece of, of who we are and how we see ourselves.

Cory Scott (15:41):

And we have so much, we have so much ability to, to tap into that and tap into our potential and heal. And yeah, I think that piece is what I really want the world to know is that this isn't actually complicated and you actually have everything in your brain and body and nervous system to integrate, to heal, to feel like, you know, the powerful, confident, beautiful, vibrant being that you are. It, it can just be a few piece is that that are needed, you know, to, to have a little bit more support, a little more awareness, a little more attention, and VO comes together. <Laugh>

Amanda Testa (16:22):

So it's so beautiful too, when you just see that in a body that you're working with. Right. Because they do, it's like that blueprint comes online and it's just a beautiful thing to witness. So often. Yes. I just am like in all of my clients, because really it's there, it's all them. Right. It's just allowing that piece to come forth.

Cory Scott (16:42):

Yes. Yeah. And it's a lot of times to me, to me, it is inside the pain, right. It's not separate from, and, and I think this is so important because we can feel like we need to, to like resolve our issues or somehow neutralize this pain in order to feel good. And it, I would propose that it's actually the pain itself that becomes the power and the pleasure. Right. And that to me is so hopeful <laugh> because then the, maybe the, the way to think about that is the more pain you can feel, the more powerful that you are. And I think there's so many people that just feel so overwhelmed by the amount of pain that they're carrying unresolved grief fill in the blank. Right. And yet there's, there's so much depth in that there's so much potential for love and growth and goodness, you know, and it shouldn't be something that we have to carry around, like a Scarlet letter. I welcome.

Amanda Testa (17:35):

I scar that letter. It's true. Because I think even just in my own experience of how I handle things compared to years ago, right. When there was zero coping tools, I had zero coping tools <laugh> so it would usually mean like, oh, I'm gonna go and like drink or whatever I need to do to not feel the thing or to not deal with it. And so, I mean, even today, for example, like this morning, something reminded me of when my dad passed away. And just so I just, I think in the past, that kind of thing would just be a lot harder to deal with. But now it's like, you know what, I'm gonna give myself 20 minutes and I'm gonna just be with this and I'm gonna drink some tea and I'm gonna walk the dog. And then, you know, do things that I know nourish myself where that was not something that I would really pay attention to.

Amanda Testa (18:18):

Like I would just wanna push it away, blah, blah, blah. In the past <laugh> but it's really, but like you say, like once you desire with it for a minute, it it's like moves through and then there's, there's like good stuff under there and it's, and it does, it makes me realize, wow, you know, how beautiful today is. And isn't it amazing that I have such a deeper appreciation for all that I have because of that experience and how much closer I am with my mom and my sister, all the things that come from that. And also there's something else that I, that you mentioned that I really wanna dive into more it's just around the, like that interconnected piece. Like when you feel more whole and heal, then there is that sense of interconnection with the planet and like how important that is. So I would love if you would speak more to that, if you don't mind.

Cory Scott (18:58):

Yeah, absolutely. You know, I think there's a lot about trauma healing. That to me creates that sense of interconnection, right? There's something about grief is such a powerful portal and such a beautiful example of pain that brings us the can either isolate us and shut us down, right. Like completely, or it can also, it has the potential to bring us incredibly intimately connected to one of another. And to me, grief is like the rupture that opens us to love. And so early on in my therapy career, I'm taking a, a little side trip here. I'll get back to the interconnectedness, but I think grief is, yeah. I think grief is such an important topic too. And I, I do see it like very connected to trauma healing, but, you know, I had this kind of sense. I was like, I think those of us on the planet who are really resistant to doing the work of grieving, we like shut ourselves off from loving, right.

Cory Scott (20:05):

And look around the people in your life who aren't very loving <laugh> and know are very difficult to love and who you feel like, Ugh, I wish I could just give them some love or why are they <laugh> so unloving toward me, it's an inquiry. Anyways. I would invite you to just question, do they have a lot of unresolved grief? Is this someone who has really had some significant loss in their life? And that could be loss of a loved one, but it could be loss of skills or an identity, right. Losing a job, all of these kind of necessary and unfortunate losses that we experience when we don't let ourselves be kind of broken open by that grief. It's very hard to show up and give and receive love. And yet the gift of grief is that it, for me, in my own personal experience with grief, it's, it's enabled me to love in ways.

Cory Scott (20:59):

I never thought I could before at depth, I never knew before. And you know, this is that, that pain as the portal to power and pleasure and love and aliveness and interconnection, right. That, and that, as we go in know, this is kind of taking some of Leanna Silver's work from feminine genius, that idea of like the rupture and the rebirth, this pattern and this sort of cyclical name that we're, we're all moving through. And, you know, trauma healing to me is about leaning into that rupture, being able to hold your center, stay in your window of tolerance and move through to the rebirth, same with grief, right? And, and these are when we're in that when we can lean into that cycle and hold ourself through it. And we know it in our body because we've been there and been broken open by some of these really, you know, painful and unfortunate situations that we often face in life.

Cory Scott (21:58):

It gives us this sense of like, I'm a part of this cycle that's going on around me. Right. I have compassion for the other people in my life who I see struggling. I can join with other people in the beauty and magic of the rebirth when they're in their highs. You know, I can be them there with them in their lows. And, and that sense of like, I'm not in competition with other people I'm in connection, right? These are all pieces to me of trauma healing. I mean, from a, from a really kind of perspective, but doing that work of learning how to hold our pain, learning how to, how to lean in and process through it and feel through it and, and trust that the rebirth is on the other side.

Amanda Testa (22:40):

Yes. Yes. I'm wondering too. Maybe if there's anyone out there listening, who's like, yeah. You know, I am in pain right now. And like, what would be maybe one thing I can do in this moment to feel if there is one little step, what might you offer?

Cory Scott (22:52):

Yes, absolutely. Well, I think really recognizing it. Okay. So, so the first step I'm, I consider myself an integrationist and in there are steps to integration. They're very simple. And the first step is differentiation, right? So this means I need to differentiate my pain from my pleasure. I need to differentiate like this experience, this trigger that I'm having from my identity and who I am. Right. So, so differentiating like, okay, I'm Corey. And there is a part of me, there is an experience that's getting actively in my body that says it gets flooded with shame. And it says, I'm just worthless and I'm no good. Right. And so being able to kind of like differentiate, that's one part of my experience. It's not all of me, it may feel it may be flooding me right now. And it may feel like all of me in this moment, but there I, I am a human being who has more experiences than just this one.

Cory Scott (23:54):

Right. So really kind of getting that perspective, which can be very challenging to get. Right. But recognizing, this is just one piece, this is just one experience I'm amongst many and then potentially right. Even tracking like, okay. And when I really sit and feel and observe that I can recognize that it's connected to some of this unresolved junk, let's say from my past, right. From relationships, can I put that away from a moment? Just, just for right now, put it away. You put it in a, you know, imagine a chest, a trash can, whatever kind of container you want to imagine. Put it in there really actually like, feel yourself, take it out of your body and put it away, put the lid on it and then, and then try on the opposite. So if the words that are really zapping you right now are like, I'm worthless, then try on the opposite words.

Cory Scott (24:50):

Right? So I am worthy. Let's say I'm worthy and deserving of all of the love and joy. That feels like a nice power statement. <Laugh>. So there is, there's a process that I really, really love. And I think it comes, I'm not actually sure of its origins, but I've used it for a long time. It may come from some hypnotherapy, but it's this visualization process where once you have your power statement in your mind, right? Whatever the opposite of that negative thing you just put away and contained is, and you can let it be simple. Then you picture out in front of you, a circle it on the ground. You can close your eyes. We can, we can do it right now. If you want to and see this circle and pick one of your favorite colors, maybe a color that, that really resonates with these power words.

Cory Scott (25:40):

And once you've got that color, go ahead and fill up the circle with the color, let the color take over the whole circle. And then imagine putting those power words into the circle. So you can see them in the circle and write the words, fill up the circle, stack the words on top of them, layered on top of each other. And once the circle is completely full of your power, our words, just pause for a moment and then leave the circle and the words on the floor and come back into your body. And now imagine that your body is like a teapot and pretend like you can empty all the stress, just out the side, like you're tipping over and let it flow out. Let it drain out and down into the earth, releasing any stress in your body, a few breaths with this. And then once the stress is all out, go ahead and step into the circle.

Cory Scott (26:43):

Once more stepping into this colored circle, full of your power words and pull it on, pull it up like a pair of pants, like a onesie until the color. And the words are sealed around and inside you feel your power color and your power words, it's all around. And inside you filling you up, sealing this in and now imagine, or just pretend walking in the direction of your future and just the rest of your day and feel the words in the color in your body, getting stronger and stronger with each step you take into the future, feel it in your body, getting stronger and brighter, bring the color and the words through your body and seal it in and around you. And when you're done, you can take a gentle breath into your heart and open your eyes. And then anytime moving forward, when see that color you came up with, you can be reminded that this is your power color. I love, I love seeing it in the world around me. And you can just cue yourself, right? With those words, with the color. Some people are more visual than others, but it can be really powerful to use our imagination for good <laugh> right. I, this is another piece that I really, really, really love because so often our imagination reeks all kinds of havoc, but it's really a tool and a potential waiting for us to tap into and to harness for good, rather than, you know, all the catastrophizing and <laugh> that we do.

Amanda Testa (28:22):

Oh, that felt delicious.

Cory Scott (28:23):

Thank you. Just jump it in my thought. I love that. I was like, I think we need power words.

Amanda Testa (28:28):

Yes. I love that. And I think everyone, I mean, that's such a beautiful practice and it doesn't even, I mean, it's not like it took a long time either. And just like I noticed the difference in how I feel in my body and just my energy

Cory Scott (28:39):

Level. It's good to focus on the positive. Right? It doesn't fix anything and it's not, I'm not, you know, we don't do this to kind of whitewash or, you know, deny the pain, but it helps the body to recognize that there's there is power and there is goodness here too. And that's such an important thing to feed where attention goes, energy flows and neuro firing flows and they wire to together. And so it's, it's a wonderful thing to support yourself, to have, have these kind of internal resources that you can, you can rely on just like, just like you do rely on, you know, cash in your pocket to be able to like meet some of your daily needs. You know, you get hungry, you grab a snack, like you're gonna get down and, and need to grab a power color in a power words, you know? And yeah. And this is, I think, such an important piece of, of being able to care for ourselves and understand and relate to our stress response systems in ways that are empowering instead of kind of feeling like I'm a problem that needs to be fixed. Or I just can't can't deal with this it's too much. Yes.

Amanda Testa (29:49):

Ah, so beautiful. Thank you. I'm wondering too, is there perhaps a question that you wish that I would've asked and I did not ask. It's

Cory Scott (29:58):

A good question. I dont know I'm, there's not any questions coming up for me.

Amanda Testa (30:05):

Okay. Or maybe even just perhaps anything, any other thoughts that you wanna share around this? Or what else is feeling alive that you definitely wanna make sure that you can yeah. Just name. Yeah.

Cory Scott (30:16):

I think I just want to really name that's okay. Wherever you are. <Laugh> you know, this is such a, this is such a complex life to live and there are so, so many unpredictable and unmanageable elements to being a human on the planet in 2021. And if you just list to that practice and tried to follow along and felt like there was a huge wall between you and your power circle, you know, it's okay. Like that is really okay. And it might, it might behoove you to get some, some additional support if you couldn't do that. Right. Because, because that's okay. It's just also a sign that there, there are some obstacles to really accessing positive resources and, you know, that's a trauma response in its own. Right. So having self compassion and really reverence for yourself honor for your process, right. There are many people on the planet who cannot visualize, and then that practice was really alienating potentially to them.

Cory Scott (31:23):

Right. And it's okay. Like we, we have all this diversity in our neuro neurobiology and in our life experience. And so it's really about finding what, what resonates for you and honoring that instead of trying to fit yourself in, you know, to someone else's process. And I think it's so important that we all have people in our lives who really can reflect our truth and sit with us and be in connection wherever we are listening to us. And so I just wanna put that out there. Right. I think I, I kind of painted a really positive picture of trauma healing and, and it's okay. If does that feel positive to you right now? You know, that's, that's really okay. And, and maybe there's like one centimeter, one tiny little inch of space in you that feels like, okay, but maybe this could be a source of power and feed that.

Cory Scott (32:20):

Right. Like, because it really is. And if you had asked me 20 years ago, you know what I thought about trauma healing? I mean, I, I was just such a mess and I've taken all of the pain that, that the world heaped on me in the first 20 years of my life. And I've, I've really harnessed it in a way that it has, it has become my power. And so this is why I'm so passionate about this work and, you know, and making it accessible for everyday people, because we all live with stress, response systems and emotions that are hard to deal with sometimes a world that is terribly confusing to make meaning around, but we can support one another and we can, we can find empowerment. Like there really is a path through to the rebirth.

Amanda Testa (33:09):

Yes. Yes. Oh, so good. And I think too, like you just said, I think changing just things are changing in the way that we look at getting support. Right. Because I feel like a lot of the messaging that I got when I was younger is that, well, that's only if there's something wrong with you, right. There must be something wrong with you if you're asking for help from someone <laugh> right. Cause that first step too, of even just like asking for help can be so hard sometimes. Yeah. But yet there's so much available and just like kind of normalizing that we all need help <laugh> yeah. Right. And it's great to seek it and yeah. You know, whenever that is, whether it's just because like, you want to feel better or if there's something big you wanna heal or just, you want to be like, you know, proactive of like, how can I better work through things that are gonna happen to me? <Laugh> it's just, I think there's always a place for it. Yeah. There's never a wrong

Cory Scott (33:59):

Time. You yes. Well, if you think of your pain as your power, it really sort of changes the right. The, the perception of that, cuz it's like, you know, I'm like, oh, I don't feel like dealing with this pain today. Right? Like, oh next year I'll get it on a look at it. But if I think, oh my gosh, this is a huge amount of untapped power and potential and creative force and life force in me, then I might be a little more motivated to go in and, and tinker in that pain. You know? I mean, I think we all think about, I don't know, protecting our savings accounts or, you know, these other places where we gain some power right in the world. And I would love for us to think about our pain that way, how would we interact with people who are deeply grieving? If we saw them as incredible portals of power and love on the planet, we would honor their process and really give them more space to feel and be, and be slow and take that time. I mean, if we, as a culture saw that as a portal to power and love. I mean, I think all of these dynamics around healing would really shift in terms of our priorities, the time and space that we give to them. Yeah.

Amanda Testa (35:16):

That's so true. I sometimes think, you know, there are a lot of cultures out there that have a lot better ways of ritualizing grief and moving through things like this. I feel like especially, well, here I am in the us and I feel like in our culture, it is very much like two weeks back to work. Right. And that is not what it takes often to like fully go through the process. Right. Yes. And it's all very buttoned up. Right. So people don't necessarily cry or if they do, it's not really appropriate. Or like if you're at the funeral, you can't, I don't know. It's just, <laugh> I just think about these things like that kind of are the norm in our culture that are really not behooving healing. <Laugh> totally. I just felt like naming that. I don't know why I just gave

Cory Scott (35:54):

Absolutely. Yes. Yeah. Well, and if you see grief as a problem to be fixed, then it makes a lot of sense to kind of contain it, target it, knock it out. Right. Like kind of minimize it and move on, you know, and I did use the word containment there, but you know, you get my, my meaning. Like I, yes. I think, I think it is so important to see that, that worker, that coworker who comes back prematurely and has now suppressed a bunch of grief so they can show up, they're probably not performing very well. They might be taking out some of their anger and grief unresolved on their coworkers or even worse their clients. Right. Like, so it is, it is a big piece of kind of looking at more holistic health and wellbeing as a society, as individuals. What does success really look like if we're miserable and feeling all of this pain and isolation? I think it, you know, I think there's, there's certainly room for growth, for perspective shift and for some more space for us be able to be human and recognize the power in our humanity. And there's a tremendous amount of it and yes, absolutely.

Amanda Testa (37:06):

Yeah. The power in our humanity. I think that's a beautiful note to, to wrap up with, because it is. And I, and I think too with all that's been happening the past few years, it is a, a time of kind of real change in a lot of ways. Right. People are really kinda realizing like that the way it was is not working anymore and being human and allowing that and celebrating it and like coming together in ways to honor all of it so important.

Cory Scott (37:31):

It is. Yeah, it is. And there's, you know, there's pain and change there's grief and change even if it's good change. Yeah. And finding ways and spaces for that is again, just coming back to that interconnection, it's what brings us together. It's what brings all our internal parts together. Right. That sense of, again, we, we differentiate to link and integration, right. And differe like wow. Pain is an important part of the human existence. Can we give some space and time for that? That's kind of differentiation from the grind. Right. So that we can then link back together and, and really move forward in positive ways. So this conversation has been so much fun. Thank you so much, Amanda.

Amanda Testa (38:19):

Yeah. Thank you so much, Corey. And I'd love if you would share where everyone can connect with you and learn more about you, if they want to work with

Cory Scott (38:25):

You. Yes, absolutely. Probably the easiest way to find me is through my website. So it's Cornelia Scott, which is my full name, Cornelia C O R N E L I a Scott S C OT t.com. And you can contact me through my website. Yeah. And I'd love to be in touch.

Amanda Testa (38:44):

Thank you so much again, Cory for being here and thank you all for listening. I'll make sure to put all this information as well. And the show notes, you'll be able to find those@amandatest.com slash Corey Scott, C E O R Y S C O T T. And I'll put everything there. Thank you again for listening. We'll see you next week. Thank you so much for listening to the find your feminine fire podcast. This is your host Amanda test. And if you have felt a calling while listening to this podcast to take this work to a deeper level, this is your golden invitation. I invite you to reach out. You can contact me at Amanda test.com/activate, and we can have a heart to heart to discuss more about how this work can transform your life. You can also join us on Facebook and the group find your feminine fire group. And if you've enjoy this podcast, please share with your friends, go iTunes and give me a five star rating and a raving review. So I can connect with other amazing listeners like yourself. Thank you so much for being a part of the community.

Speaker 3 (40:11):

The.

When you want to want to, but you just don't.  Do you ever struggle with desire, or wonder what you can do to boost your libido?

 This week I'm bringing back to the pod a delightful guest, Susan Bratton "Intimacy Expert to Millions".  She is a champion and advocate for all those who desire intimacy and passion their whole life long. 

Flashes of brilliance pop like paparazzi as Susan rolls out one relationship epiphany after another. When she describes how love and intimacy can transcend what media portrays, you see how you can have way more intimacy and pleasure than you've been getting.

Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts,Stitcher or Spotify.

Full transcript is below.

A self-proclaimed "Orgasmanaut..." Susan Bratton travels to the outer reaches of human orgasmic potential to bring back the map to the territory of pleasure and connection. Imagine that you are capable of way more sexual satisfaction!

She's a "Sexual Biohacker..." Recommending regenerative therapies that keep your libido and desire thrumming with life force because sex is good for you.

Moreover, Susan's superpower is courage. She takes a lionhearted stand for your human right to pleasurable connection... And the willingness to get nerdy on anatomy, detailed about sex skills, and science-driven on sex drive to achieve this outcome for everyone whose lives she touches.

Her straight-talking, fearless approach is rooted in her personal experience of watching her sex life wither while she and her husband pursued dynamic careers. When their relationship hit a crisis point, the couple made a fierce commitment to do whatever it took to keep their family together and revive her drive. They brought their marriage-saving experiences to the world as online programs. 

https://www.instagram.com/susanbratton/

Today, Susan and Tim have the kind of dream relationship most people long since stopped believing is even possible—until they discover Susan's teachings.

Connect with Susan on Facebook HERE, on Instagram HERE, and on YouTube HERE.

Listen to the episode here or tune in via Apple Podcasts,or Spotify.

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

If you liked this episode, please consider giving me a 5 Star Review on Apple Podcasts! It truly does help the podcast grow. 

Curious how I can help you in this area?  Book a free consultation call here.

Amanda Testa (00:02):

Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a sex love and relationship coach, and in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex love and relationships and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome. Hello everyone. And welcome to the podcast. If you are looking to uncover some secrets around female arousal and libido, you are in for a treat today. I am so thrilled because I am going to be talking with my friend, Susan Bratton, who is a trusted sex expert to millions. She is just a wealth of knowledge and information, and I am so happy to have you here today. Thank you so much for joining us, Susan.

Susan Bratton (00:41):

Yay. This is our second episode together.

Amanda Testa (00:43):

 I think it's actually our Third. If you can believe it.

Susan Bratton (00:45):

Oh my God. Is it good? The more the merrier, Amanda, we just can't stop loving each other.

Amanda Testa (00:51):

Well, everyone always loves your episodes. And I just love talking with you because you have such experience and, you know, I see so many, I just hear this all the time. How often women in particular that struggle around arousal and libido. And I really just am excited to talk with you more about this today and, you know, first of all, just welcome. And for those that are not familiar with you, would you, would you be open to just sharing a little bit about who you are and your story?

Susan Bratton (01:18):

Well, and it's funny because I think we should call the segment, I want to want sex, but I don't. Yes, totally. I want to watch him, but I don't. Yeah. I I've been in sexual education for the last 15 years. It's my second career. And I turned 60 this year and I'm having the best sex of my life. And I run two companies. One is a publisher, I'm a publisher of passionate love making techniques, bedroom communication skills, and essentially what I would call sexual biohacking secrets, how you keep your body in good shape so that you can really enjoy your sexuality for your whole life. So how do you reverse the atrophy of aging, the loss of lubrication, the lower libido, what, what really are the causes of it? And then how can you fix them if you want to, because sex is so healthy for us.

Susan Bratton (02:16):

I recently saw the most recent study that I thought was interesting. You know, we all know it's good for rebooting our nervous system, and we all know it's good for everything but glow and you know, the happiness and the oxytocin. And, and even if, if we're with a male bodied partner, the semen is full of really great things. Like some testosterone for us to have extra sex drive an extra umph and Gusto. And it regulates our menses or our moods, even after we go through menopause. But I read a study that said that having regular sex and orgasms throughout your life actually lengthens your telomeres and with your husband being in the business he's in and regenerative medicine, I know you know about telomeres and how our cells have a certain number of times they can replicate. And if you have short telomeres, it doesn't, you don't live as long.

Susan Bratton (03:07):

And if you have long ones, you live longer. And I like to say, I'm not only working on biohacking. My health span the time that I'm healthy in my life, but my sex span, because there are so many things that we can do to fix our aging Yoni's. So that's the other part of my publishing company. And then I own a second company and I manufacturer sexual vitality supplements. I manufacture a blood flow supplement and a daily multivitamin multimineral that has libido botanicals in it. And I'm launching an energy bar, a sexual vitality bar that stacks on top of that as well. That's like a healthy snack. That's good for your sex life. So between the teaching orgasm skills and bedroom communication skills and talking about sexual biohacking and then making the supplements, it's a really good bear hug of all of the things that people need to really enjoy their sex life, have great orgasms, feel deeply connected to their partner. That's what I love to do. I love to teach people how to transform having sex into making love. What I really do is I teach heart connected, passionate, love, making techniques. That's my thing.

Amanda Testa (04:27):

And it's so important. And I just love what an example of you are, what an example you are to have that because you can't see Susan right now, but she is so vibrant. And I love how, you know, just kind of busting that myth. That sexuality has to die as you age because so many people believe that to be true.

Susan Bratton (04:44):

I know, I think they missed procreation with great sex, you know, like, okay, I can't have babies anymore. So I guess my sex life is over. I think that was something that's still in the vestiges of some people's minds, but most women these days are realizing that getting into middle age and beyond is the best sex of their life, because we're finally able to let go of the brow beating. We give ourselves about our body image issues and be like, well, you know, and you don't have to worry about contraceptives anymore and you can just really enjoy yourself. So if you can remove their other roadblocks, like loss of lubrication, painful sex and incontinence, that kind of stuff, that's good but often. And this is one of the things that I was really hoping we could dive into is this notion of matriarchal versus patriarchal sex.

Susan Bratton (05:35):

I feel like we, as women have been having patriarchal sex and there are some very specific opinions I have about what matriarchal sex looks like. And I do believe that our, our partners want to give us the kind of sex we want to have. And the more we can communicate the specifics, the better they can give it to us. 

Amanda Testa

I think that is so key. And I'd love if you would share a little bit more on your thoughts or what are the differences between matriarchal sex versus patriarchal sex. If you don't mind.

Susan Bratton

I would say generally matriarchal sex is much more seduction all the time. Having kind of a flirty, sexy relationship, a lot of romance, and a lot of touching and holding, a lot of full body touch and butterfly kisses and hair stroking, and really good kissing and lots of breast play and nipple stimulation and Yoni massage and tantalizing and languorous and slow and goalless and spur of the moment of feeling into what your body is saying It wants and feeling confident about asking your partner for it and describing it and having them love, wanting to give that to you, having the, the range from feeling like a kitty cat that needs to be held and petted to being the lioness that wants to ravish and be ravished and turning on a dime in a moment's notice between the two and that being fine as well. 

Resiliency, not always having it have to be about intercourse, that if we get there, we get there, but it's not the end game. It's like when I said not goal oriented goal less, I think lots and lots of Yoni massage, clitoral stimulation, oral pleasuring. foot Rob's neck robs. Those I think are really important. And then sometimes partners having a lot of ideas and fantasies and things that they're open to trying and giving you ideas all the time about stuff that you haven't thought of.

Susan Bratton (08:01):

That could be really sexy that you want to try. And also a lot of verbal approval appreciation and encouragement in addition to dirty talk kind of that type of talk that is encouraging us to come telling us how beautiful we are, giving us specifics about it that are different all the time. You know, lots of that, just why they love us, what it is they want us for and why they want us specifically, what's special about us. I think that is a big part of it too. So those are some of the things that I think are, are more matriarchal types of things. I would say in a large part, less performative, less like we're in a porn and more like we are so relaxed, and so just in the flow of the interplay of co-creating orgasm, love that.

Amanda Testa (08:58):

Just even the words, you know, that co-creation of that pleasure and having it be goalless. And ah, so, and then if you would, on the other hand, tell me a little bit more about what the patriarchal sex is.

Susan Bratton (09:11):

I think patriarchal sex is often more along the lines of like very auditory, like lots of moaning they guys, especially in I'm presuming, cause we're talking about the patriarch, we're talking about the masculine and we're talking about males, we're talking about penis owners, but that does not preclude me from just being honorable toward gender spectrum. And the fact that there are people in female born bodies who are actually very masculine, but so, you know, we always have to kind of manage the, the verbiage around the masculine feminine, but I think men like to generally see responsiveness. They like to know they're doing a good job. They like a little bit more of the kind of likes stripper heels and lingerie, sexy dances and floor shows and shaken dat booty. And they like some men, but not all because there are men, of course who have a lot of shame, but there are men who really love performance.

Susan Bratton (10:20):

They want the visual, they want to see they like the mirror. Not that women don't women. I love to look in the mirror when I make love. I love to see my partner making love to me, but they love that kind of auditory visual experience. And everybody's on the spectrum and everybody likes it all. But gross generalization, I would say men are more oriented toward intercourse because they like to have their intercourse orgasm. And because it's a learned skill for most women, most women don't come to intercourse easily. They have to learn how to have those orgasms. And they are a learned skill. All 20 kinds of orgasms are just simply learned skills. You can, you can just cross train right up to learning how to come every time he's inside you. And that's a lot of women think they're just not the kind of girl who can, but she definitely, you definitely no matter who you are can come from intercourse.

Susan Bratton (11:16):

So I'd say probably just also because men, so they are penis in vagina oriented, intercourse oriented, and they also watch a ton of porn. There's nothing we can really do about that, but it's very degrading to women. And so, and it's, it's there to titillate them so that they can ejaculate because they are driven to masturbate on an almost daily basis because they need to keep biologically they're wired to want to keep their sperm topped off. So, you know, they just, they have this kind of testosterone, dominant goal oriented driving force to get that dick in there and have an orgasm. And a lot of stuff gets lost on the wayside because their penis fills up with blood so fast, the hemodynamics in the penis works way better than the hemodynamics and the vulva. We have as much erectile tissue as our male body partners, but it takes us much longer to get engorged and to get our clit boner, if you will. So they're just way ahead of us and they just go faster than we do. And I think that is definitely, I'd say the biggest difference is kind of that fast and slow intercourse versus other things, more romance and full body touching versus just kind of like get er done.

Amanda Testa (12:36):

It's so true. And I love how you shared earlier around, there are so many different types of orgasm and often people will think, oh well, that's great. That's awesome. You know, that that person can have that experience, but that wouldn't be possible for me. Or, you know, like you said, I'm not that kind of girl that can have that experience, but I would love for you to share a little bit more about yes, how it is possible for everyone, if you have the desire. And you know, if you don't, that's fine too. But if you have the desire it is possible and maybe sharing more about all the opportunities for a pleasure available to us.

Susan Bratton (13:07):

This summer, I wrote a 15 week series of cold, 20 kinds of orgasms come with me. I called it, come with me and it was 20 kinds of female and 20 kinds of male orgasms and how you have them all. And there's three different kinds. And there are basically locations you can stimulate in your body that make you come there are physical and emotional, if you will, or verbal techniques that you can use. And then there are tools and objects of desire that also stimulate orgasm. So locations would be things like footgasms, coregasms, clitoral orgasms, G-spot orgasms, prostate orgasms, nipplegasms mouthgasms throatgasms, you know, the, all of that type of thing, you know, and then the techniques are more like female ejaculations, expanded orgasm or erotic hypnosis, and the think offs orgasms on command, stuff like that. And fantasy goes in that category because it's, you're making up stories that are getting you off.

Susan Bratton (14:25):

And then there's the tools and the toys and that's everything from the four kinds of vibrators I think every woman must have so that she can begin to orgasmically cross train so that she can have better orgasms when she's solo and when she's with partners. So they get you, they get all your systems operating together. And then that also can include things like kink toys, you know, floggers and paddles. And it can, it can include things such as foot fetishes. So sexy heels that turn people on is another object of desire. There's lots of clothing, whether it's stripper shoes and lingerie that's objects of desire or latex and things like that. So there's all of those types of things, the toys and the tools and the things that we use to extend our sex extend and expand our sexual capacity. Would you be open to sharing more about the four different tools?

Susan Bratton (15:30):

Totally. Yeah. So there's basically four kinds of sex toys for women. And one of the things that I like about cross training is that when you, I think most women have their go-to vibe or one or two of their, you know, kind of like go-to ones that they always get them off. And I think that's great, but then you end up just kind of getting in a groove and then you end up like the only way I can come as if I use my 37 year old bullet vibrator, right on the top left quadrant of my clit, while I'm holding my breath and squeezing, you know, or whatever, whatever your thing is. And then you don't expand your ability to orgasm. And then it makes it harder when you're with a partner to have all different, all these different types of orgasms. So the four are basically there's the air stimulator, which the most common is the womanizer.

Susan Bratton (16:17):

It's like the clit sucker. And then there's what I would call the lapper, which is more of a, kind of a tonguing movement. And I say the best, one of those out there would be the fun factory Volta, one of my best friends, like that's her number one go-to thing like she does, vibrators are not interesting to her. She loves that Lapper, you know, so there's that. And then there's vibrators. And within the vibrator, there's two big categories. There's the, the buzzy and the rumbling. So the buzzy would be the pocket rocket, the smaller kind of vibrator. And then the rumbly would be like the wand, the big, you know, big grindy rumbly one. And there's a really nice vibrator from hot octopus called the kurve. K U R V E. That's really good because it's got a bass and a treble and it has a G-spot wand too.

Susan Bratton (17:06):

So it's both an external and internal vibrator, but not simultaneously. So that's my fourth category. And my fourth category is the combination internal external vibrator, because your vulva, your female genital system has three different erectile tissue systems in it. There's if you think about, if you imagine a banana and inside that banana, all the fruit of that banana is erectile tissue. It's pretty easy to imagine that that's a penis and that he's got those three big chambers running down his penis that fill up with blood real fast. Like we talked about earlier, but we have all that same amount of erectile tissue. And it's in three systems all around our vaginal opening. We're familiar with the tip of the clitoris or the glands of the clearest with all the nerve endings. But once you've activated your Vulva, once you've gotten all the erectile tissue and gorged or filled with blood, and you've spent a lot of time working all of the, the skin covering that erectile tissue, so that there's lots of neural pathways to your brain because of course your brain is the big organ right? That's the one that's actually making you have orgasms it's feeling and sensing the pleasure and creating the contractions and the expression of orgasm. 

And so the three erectile tissue systems are the clitoral structure with the, the glands and the shaft and the little arms and the bigger legs that we've seen, lots of, kind of 3d pictures of on Instagram that  drapes over and around the vagina. But then there's the urethral sponge, which people mistakenly called the G-spot. It's a long tube, like one of those little noodles that the kids play with in the pool. And that runs from the opening of our, when you peel open your labia, the inner labia, that's called the vestibule, that internal area from the tip of your clip down where your urine comes out, the urethral exit down to the vaginal opening, which is called the introital sphincter.

Susan Bratton (19:11):

All that is the vestibule and the G-spot actually exits there right around where the urine comes out. There's a G that's like what I call the second G-spot. Everybody thinks it's inside the vagina up on the roof, which it also is because that long tube runs up there. So you've got that erectile tissue. And then between the bottom of the vagina and the rectum, there's a little sponge called the perenial sponge that gets all plumped up, which is why anal. One of the reasons anal sex feels so good. So when you have this fourth kind of vibrator, which is the external internal, some people call it, they started out originally called butterfly vibrators. So you might be familiar with that. My favorite, one of that, and it's kind of a number one vibrator. I recommend to all women as their number one vibrator, they should start with, especially if they're in a relationship with a penis owner, because you want to activate the vagina, as well as the external issue.

Susan Bratton (20:08):

And the only way you can get to the urethral canal and intravaginally is with a sex where that goes inside the vagina, but just having it inside the vagina. It's nice to also have that small piece outside. I said, butterfly, I met rabbit, sorry, the rabbit vibrator, you know what a rat is? It's got the clit tickler and it's got the inside thing. So basically fun factory makes us small and a large version of the rabbit, which is called the ladyby or the misby. I have a giant vagina. So I need the giant one, but many women have tiny little vaginas. Not that they don't all stretch to accommodate. They do. They're a big stretching muscle. They do. They mostly do, but that's the fourth one, which is an internal external. So you've got the, the licky one. You've got the sucky one, you've got the buzzy one and you've got the internal external one.

Susan Bratton (20:59):

And between those four, if you kind of rotate and use them, and you could, you could even call it five because you'd be like, well, I need a bullet and a wand. And I'm like, good on your mama. I got a lot of both of them. So once you've got that panoply of vibrators and you're kind of mixing it up and you're making yourself come with all of those, you're getting a lot of that tissue engorged, You're teaching your blood to pump in there and expand your vulva. And then you're stimulating all that skin inside and outside, and that's increasing the neural pathways. So that the next time you're with a partner, you're just, you're coming so well. And women are like, but I'm going to wear my clit out if I do this too much. And I say, definitely not. I mean, you can, you can blow out your sense of sensation. If you kind of overdrive your, your nervous system, your nervous system needs to be stair-stepped. You need to come take a break, come some more, take a break, come some more, take a break. Then you can come harder and better. That's another important component of what I would consider to be orgasmic cross training. so engorgement, multiple stimulation, devices, and stair-step things. So you don't just put it on level 11. The first time you have an orgasm, you work your way up.

Amanda Testa (22:18):

I love it. And I, I love the idea of cross training. I love it called that because it is, it's so true. If you get into doing one thing the same way all the time, then it's much harder to enjoy other ways. And I'm wondering, do you have any tools that you love that don't vibrate or that are just like the non mechanical kind?

Susan Bratton (22:36):

Yes. As a matter of fact, an orgasmic cross training was taught to me by Sheri Winston who wrote The Women's Anatomy of Arousal and Slow Sexcraft, I think was her other book. And I think The Women's Anatomy of Arousal singularly, one of the most important books ever written about women's pleasure, maybe the most, I mean, I loved come as you are from Emily Nagoski whom you've had on the show, but I think women's anatomy of arousal is the single it's the seminal work on women's arousal and orgasm. And that's where I learned that Sheri taught me orgasmic cross training. So credit where credit is due. I stand on the shoulders of giants and I've been studying sex for 15 years straight.  And I've been trained by many of the best as well. Like you have. So we all, I do want to call out Sheri she's, she's just a Marvel of a human.

Susan Bratton (23:27):

And then as far as your question about non vibrating, non, you know, kind of mechanical types of things, I really liked G-spot wands. And my favorite is probably the Njoy pure wand. It's a medical grade stainless steel double ended balls on each end wand. And surprisingly, very few people use it well or correctly. Not surprisingly. They insert it cold instead of warmed up in a sink of warm water. And they don't understand the mechanics of how to draw the wand across the internal urethral sponge inside the vagina. So one of the things that I did was I put together an ebook with a video it's at G-spot joy.com, And I created a video that shows you how to use G-spot wands. So, because if your partner's doing it to you, which is the best way, because then you can just completely surrender to the pleasure and you can squirt your heart out.

Susan Bratton (24:34):

And by the way, all women can enjaculate, It's not urine. It comes from the skenes glands recruited down through your blood plasma, into your urethral canal and you contract. And it's ejected out of both the urethra and little glands on the sides of the urethra that are part of the urethral sponge. And it's a learned orgasmic skill. And the wands are very, very good for it because you really need to be completely relaxed and get enough pressure to expel that liquid. And when you have an ejaculatory orgasm, it's like a cry and an orgasm had a baby. It's an extremely releasing life affirming experience. So if you get that at G-spot joy, you'll get an email from me that says, okay, this is totally explicit. You're going to see a vulva getting wanded, but this is the manufacturers don't make these videos. So they just sell you the thing and you are on your own, because they can't, it's it's explicit. So I make that and I make that available so that people can really learn how to do it well, because having a bad G-spot experience can turn you off for life and having a good one can turn your life.

Amanda Testa (25:58):

I mean, it's so true. And I think, you know, like you say, it's just not having the education or not knowing so many times people just don't know, but that's the thing is you can learn if you have the, if you'd have desire to learn. And I also, yes, I love Sheri Winston and I always talk about her book. She's actually been on the podcast too. And it is, it's so good, but it is the, these are things we're never taught. And I remember when I first read that book, I think I was in my thirties and I was like, wait a minute. I'm like a college educated woman. And I have never known these things, right. We're never taught this.

Susan Bratton (26:26):

Yes, my job is easy. I teach people how to have really great hot heart connected sex. And all I have to do is tell you what to do. You do it. And it works. And you're like, oh my God, that was great. What else do you know? And I'm like, how about one Mozillians things? What you want to know next? You know, so easy. And I've, I've found that just giving people tons of great techniques, little, little shifts that make profound impacts on their sex life, get them realizing that they can be sex champions so easily. And then they get on the path of really enjoying learning new skills. And that's what keeps your sex life hot. That's what keeps you from getting bored. You gotta get out of the rut.

Amanda Testa (27:09):

It's such a difference in your relationship because even if you're by yourself or with a partner, it just, it just enables you to have so much more play. Right. And I feel like that's something that we need a lot more of as adults, because it is how we play, I think, right.

Susan Bratton (27:23):

It's definitely how I play. I use them all my available time to have great sex. I mean, I make dates with my partners and look forward to it and think about what I might want to do. And then when I get to the date, I'm like, well, is that what I still want to do? Or what do I really want to do right now? I'm always listening to my body's intuitive desires in the moment and honoring that rather than having some prescribed plan. I don't mind making plans, but I don't mind breaking them.

Amanda Testa (27:54):

I always credit you. I love the term erotic play date because I think that is so it's a great way to, to phrase it. Tell me a little bit more about the power of the erotic play date, if you don't mind. Sure.

Susan Bratton (28:04):

I really recommend, especially if you want to have great sex and improve your libido, good sex makes you want more sex. When you have more sex, you want even more sex. You just, it builds on itself. It's a, it's a self fulfilling, you know, virtuous cycle, but you have to get it on the books because we're busy. There's a million things that need to be done. I saw this funny thing on Twitter. I don't know the last day or two, I I'm a Twitter freak. I love to be on Twitter and I don't tweet a lot, but I consume a lot of tweets and somebody wrote, don't forget It had a picture of clothes in the dryer and said, don't forget, you've got a load in the dryer. And I was like, I have a load. There's always a load in the dryer.

Susan Bratton (28:46):

There's always a load in the dishwasher. Or if I know, I just got a dishwasher at my house down here in San Diego. I'm like, praise the Lord. I don't have to wash by hand anymore. So, you know, there's always something to do and you have to get it on the calendar. And then when you get it on the calendar, okay. Thursday night around six o'clock, we're going to eat an early dinner and we're going to have a sex date. Okay. What do you think you want to do? Well, for me, I've always got some new vibrators to try because of course I'm a vibrator. You know, I'm a sex toy expert in all honesty. I mean, I know so much about them. I've been recommending them and reviewing them and really helping people find the right ones. That's how come I figured out there's four kinds of sex toys for women and there's others, for sure.

Susan Bratton (29:31):

But those are the four basics for clitoral pleasure. So it's nice to have something or a little list of a running list of things you want to do. Oh, I want to do a lingerie fashion show for you. Oh, I think we should try Susan Bratton's new come full circle sex position. It's a 360 degree, double helix sex position. That even if you're a kind of old and not so nimble, you can still do. And it's a fun date night where you're like, okay, well we're never going to do that again, but we did it. Daddy, man, look it on us. You know, we came full circle. So you have some silly little thing like that. You can get that@cumfullcircle.com. Unfortunately I had to spell it. C U M F U L L C I R C L E come full circle. Cause I don't like C U M as much as I like C O M E but that URL was taken. I love it. Right.

Amanda Testa (30:29):

It's just so fun to like play and, and have those experiences together. Cause you laugh, you know, there's awkward things sometimes, but that just also brings you closer to, you know,

Susan Bratton (30:38):

Right. You have to begin as beginners together. If somebody, if somebody is always the one who's, you know, in the know and the other, person's just the neophyte. It's not as fun as when you're goofing it up and making mistakes together. The mistakes are always the best part.

Amanda Testa (30:54):

I love it. I just laugh. I remember one time we were trying to attempt something and we're like, okay, let's do a dry run. We'll do that. Dry one with our clothes on and see if we can like get even into this position. I love doing stuff like that. It's so fun. I mean, it really is. It's the best. And I think that's one thing that like you were saying earlier, there's always something to do. It's so easy to get caught up in like the rut and feeling like you got to put everyone’s needs first. If you have kids running around or have a hard time finding time. That's why I think that that erotic plated is so key because when you make it a ritual or you make it something that you look forward to, and like you say, you want to be having good experiences there. So you look forward to it.

Susan Bratton (31:29):

You have ship the kids out too, you've got to do babysitting swaps. You don't have to hire a babysitter. A lot of people were like, I don't know, babysitters get expensive. They do. But if you have a kid and your kid, your kid has a friend and you can just do swaps. So where there is a will, there is a way to have erotic play dates every day, not every day, obviously, but once or twice a week, even once a week, a hot sex date where you're trying something new and you're goofing and you're having some fun and you had a glass of wine and you're just enjoying yourself. I mean, it's just, it's what mom and dad need the most.

Amanda Testa (32:05):

It's true. So, oh my goodness. I always love talking to you. You are literally just a treasure trove of knowledge. And I would love if you could share. I know you've shared a lot of great resources already, but you do have just literally a treasure trove of offerings and ways to support people in this area. So where is the best way for people to connect with you and learn more? Well, I've got

Susan Bratton (32:26):

Couple of things you might be interested in, just kind of based on our conversation here. So one of them is I really like something I have called the butterfly warmup. It's four techniques for solo pleasuring that we women can do with ourselves to expand and intensify our orgasmic pleasure. And that's at butterfly warm-up dot com. And then there's another thing that I think is really good. And that's, I did this with Dr. Keesha Ewers. I don't know if you've had her on the show if you had Kesha on, oh yeah, of course you have Kesha. And I did this thing called rewriting your libido story. And I really liked that because what we do is we, there are a lot of us who have had sexual trauma or we're with a partner who's had sexual trauma or shame and what rewriting your libido story. It’s at libidobook.com.

Susan Bratton (33:19):

If it actually helps walk you through her process and my process of what we did and what we recommend, overcome shame and trauma so that you can move through it and become whole like the lucky people who didn't get traumatized. So you can get a new story on your sex life. So that's, I think really good. We talked about G-spot joy. And then if you want to know more about the whole Yoni, all the anatomy and all that stuff, Sheri and I did a video and a book together it's called arousal secrets. It's at arousalsecrets.com. And we walk you through in a little more detail where all these parts are and how to access them and how they like to be pleasured. Because for a lot of, a lot of times, I mean, we can't expect our male body partners to understand how we want our Yoni touched.

And when you hear other women giving you ideas of how to have your Yoni pleasured and where those spots are, it opens it up from being just this kind of like clitoral tip and vaginal hole focused to expanding the playing field in order of magnitude of pleasure. It really increases your pleasure. So I think that's a good one too arousal tips. So those are some of the free things that are probably, you know, most germane to our conversation today that would be of interest to your listeners and they're all free.

Amanda Testa

You've got your bar coming out and all your supplements in this area too. And is that something that people can find as well on those? 

Susan Bratton (35:06):

Yeah. You can find it@thetwentystore.com. That's where I have all the bars and the pills and the things like that.

The bars aren't available yet, but they're close and that's at the 20 store with flo. The thing that helps get your vagina lubricated, again, a lot of women think it's their hormones that are keeping them from that that's drying up their Yoni, but it's, it's actually not loss of estrogen, thins the tissue of your vagina. But, and you know, I'd be happy to come back sometime whenever you want me back. If you want me to come back for number five any time I'd love to go through just how to reconstitute your vagina. So it's a bomber vagina, and you can have sex all night long and come all night long. That might be a fun show to do. I think so many rejuvenation tricks and techniques that have zero to do with estrogen. Estrogen is one of the lower things on my stack. And there's a lots of things that I would do way before that some tools, red light therapies, treatments, how to know when you need to go to the doctor and get you know, a cleIvana or a femilift or a femiwave or a revive or whatever of the V or when you can stay home and do it yourself with your V fits and your flos and certain tools that I recommend.

Susan Bratton (36:17):

And there's all kinds of Lube choices are important, et cetera. So

Amanda Testa (36:22):

Susan, I always love talking with you and mark just walked by and said Hi, oh Hi Marky Mark!

But I will make sure it's you put where everyone can connect with you in the notes as well. And yes, we'll definitely have to talk more about a bomber vagina in the future as well.

Susan Bratton (36:41):

That'd be a fun episode of the bomber vagina. Yes.

Amanda Testa (36:45):

Thank you again

Susan Bratton (36:47):

All to be with you as always love your show. And I'm actually going to go back and listen to, you said Kasha Urbaniak

Amanda Testa (36:58):

Okay. I can send it to

Susan Bratton (36:59):

You. Yes, no, you don't have to. I can find it. I know how to use the Google. Yeah. I want to check that out. That's great. Good. I, it's always fun to hear who podcasters loved to interview and you've had some amazing people on, so I'm in, I'm in good. I'm amongst the giants.

Amanda Testa (37:16):

Yes. I'm excited. I'm coming up on 200 episodes and about 10 up and about 11 episodes. That is exciting. So I'm going to have to do a big celebration. Yes,

Susan Bratton (37:25):

Most definitely. I look forward to that.

Amanda Testa (37:28):

All right. Thank you, Susan. Thank you so much for listening to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. This is your host, Amanda Testa. And if you have felt a calling while listening to this podcast to take this work to a deeper level, this is your golden invitation to invite you to reach out. You can contact meat www.amandatesta.com/activate, and we can have a heart to heart to discuss more about how this work can transform your life. You can also join us on Facebook and the group find your feminine fire group. And if you've enjoyed this podcast, please share with your friends, go to iTunes and give me a five star rating, any raving review so I can connect with other amazing listeners like yourself. Thank you so much for being a part of the community.

In this episode, I'm addressing something I hear often from clients.  

What do you do when you want to make changes in your relationship, but your partner does not?   

I want to address this in two ways, because number one, I'm going to share some tips around why even doing the work on your own is so important, as well as how you can talk with your partner about why it's important to you. 

Time and time again, I have seen that when one person in a relationship makes changes in themselves, there is a ripple effect that happens that positively impacts the relationship.

Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts,Stitcher or Spotify.

Get the guide on how to talk to your partner about coaching HERE.

Curious how I can help you in this area? Book a free consultation call here.

I know it can feel hard sometimes to ask for help, but I'm here to support you- you can book a complimentary one hour call with me where I can help give you some strategies to implement now for more connection. Even if we don't end up working together, you will walk away from the call with more clarity and actionable things that can help you.

Listen to the episode here or tune in via Apple Podcasts,or Spotify.

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

If you liked this episode, please consider giving me a 5 Star Review on Apple Podcasts! It truly does help the podcast grow. 

In this episode, I'm talking with Reketta Peterson, LPC, PMH-C, a licensed professional counselor, and BIPOC health equity consultant. 

She is a HAES Health at Every Size advocate, and a member of the associate for size diversity, and health. 

We dig into supporting mothers postpartum, how to deal with parenting burnout, relationship survival tips, and dismantling medical racism, perinatal health disparities, and common blind spots for professionals and patients in healthcare.  We talk about what changes are needed, what that can look like, and what you can do to get involved.   So much goodness in this episode!

Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts,Stitcher or Spotify.

Full Transcript is below.

You can connect with Reketta HERE.

Follow her on Instagram at @AriseCounseling.

Connect with her onLinkedIn HERE.

Get her book Worthy A Mindset Companion For Entrepreneurial Women of Color, HERE.

Listen to the episode here or tune in via Apple Podcasts,or Spotify.

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

If you liked this episode, please consider giving me a 5 Star Review on Apple Podcasts! It truly does help the podcast grow. 

Amanda Testa (00:02):

Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire Podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a Sex Love and Relationship coach. And in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex love and relationships and everything that lights you up from the inside out.

Welcome. Hello everyone. And welcome to the podcast today. I am so excited today because I am going to be talking with Reketta Peterson. She is a licensed professional counselor and BIPOC health equity consultant. She's also a health at every size advocate and member of the association for size diversity and health. She loves globe trotting, swimming and naps, and I just am so excited to talk with her today and welcome, welcome Reketta. Thank you for being here.

Reketta Peterson (00:45):

Thank you for having me, Amanda. So excited to be here today.

Amanda Testa (00:49):

We were just talking before we recorded and I was, I just was sharing with her a little bit about the roots of the podcast and how I originally came upon my business, starting from just being so burnt out as a mom and suffering from all the postpartum things. And I know back in the beginnings of your at work, kind of were based in that too. So I'd love if you would just share a little bit more just about you and who you are and what you do.

Reketta Peterson (01:15):

So I got started in the perinatal mental health world because I was already in school for counseling and I had my first baby, my first baby was born in Korea. So we had what was labeled an elective C-section, but for me, I didn't think it was elective. And I was also in a foreign country. Only my doctor spoke English. So there was just a lot. And then motherhood hit me. It's like we were talking earlier and I was thinking to myself as I'm searching for answers of how I was feeling, not a lot people talk about this. So I want it to be someone that was the, I guess, the person that could stand in and provide resources for anyone that happens to come my way.

Amanda Testa (02:03):

That's such an amazing resource that you're offering these things, because it is such a challenging time. And I know right now with everything going on in the world, it can feel really a lot of parents are feeling burned out and that obviously affects relationships and so many things. So I'm curious for you what, you know, when it comes to, just to just speak for a few moments on perinatal health, and then we're going to move into many topics, but I just feel like that's kind of a, I feel like such a starting point because it can be so hard for so many women. And I love if you would share a little bit more about your passion in that realm. Yeah.

Reketta Peterson (02:41):

So typically we think of postpartum stuff as like postpartum depression, but it gets so much deeper. And in my, my trainings, I've learned that I experienced, and this is just a content warning I experienced postpartum OCD. I did not even know that intrusive thoughts were a part of postpartum OCD. And I was afraid to tell anyone like many women are these birthing persons are because we're afraid that they might take our baby away from us. So for me, once I found what it was and led me down path of, well, I have had anxiety in the past, and that's where it stems from. So it's important to know for the listeners out there that if you are having thoughts, you can get professional help, don't run away from it. Don't think that someone will shame you for that. I would definitely go and talk to your primary care physician and then have them refer you out. Or you can even look yourself for individuals that specialize in perinatal mental health,  and depression.

Amanda Testa (03:49):

I think he has reaching out. But I do. I also want to just name to the truth of like being afraid to speak up for being put in a position where you're worried that something might happen, like your child might be taken or that you might be afraid to speak the truth. I think a lot of times, and I, and, and to be honest, you know, half the time, not all just generalizing here, but oftentimes healthcare providers often dismiss certain things. So,

Reketta Peterson (04:16):

So for me, it was take that eight questionnaire, the Edinburgh perinatal, pretty sure I'm getting it wrong, but it's a screening tool they use for depression. And I felt like if I said anything out of place, there would be consequences.  It wouldn't be them calling me and more so pushing me out in a way. And so I want to answer truthfully, and I know you can see other people that they also did not want me here. So truthfully, so even though we're trying to do better with having screeners in place, I still think they're are missing a piece when it comes to providers actually helping new moms. And you're a new mom, every time having a child, I have three and each time I've always felt like I didn't feel comfortable enough to speak to my primary care physician.

Amanda Testa (05:05):

Yeah. And so, you know, moving through kind of finding some support around feeling burned out. I'm wondering if you have any suggestions there or what you might offer.

Reketta Peterson (05:17):

Yes. Well, I want to just kind of normalize that you don't have freight nerves at this point or you haven't had it. Wow. Thank you. Clark kent.. I really did want said that as a collective, it is so difficult for parents out there, whether you are handling things at the school board and the local level, whether you have a child, you get a call you're deep in work and you'd phone call. And they're like, Hey, come and pick your, child up , you know, there's so many things. Childcare is also much more difficult to find. Everyone that I've spoken to has had some , the pandemic has touched their lives in some way. And I know for me, from my own personal experience, I had to leave my job because I couldn't find childcare. And, you know, still having that privilege to use my license, to work in private practice and be at home as I need to.

Reketta Peterson (06:13):

But it still has been me having to pivot because if my child's been exposed, she's out for two weeks or so, or whatever we're doing right now. And let me bring this full circle, I'm feeling it as If the primary caregiver, it all caregivers in general  have to pivot, and that's fraying your nerves, you're feeling burned out. And I just want to collectively, I want to say as a collective, we are doing the best we can. You can't do anything else. You have tried it all at this point. And I think leaning in on others is pretty helpful. So if you do have someoneone that you can lean in on, please do. So don't do this alone.

Amanda Testa (06:54):

I think that's hard. And I know for, like, for example, I have zero family nearby, so that makes it more challenging. And I do feel like for a lot of people that might be in that boat of not having someone, you know, that's a family member to lean into. It's like finding those other communities of support where you can. Yeah.

Reketta Peterson (07:14):

That's because I'm a military spouse and I live in Alaska and I also don't have family here. What has helped is I got into some really good groups on clubhouse, believe it or not. And that has been so helpful for me finding people that are in my niche, women entrepreneurs. And that has been so helpful. It's actually given me a boost of energy when I needed it most.

Amanda Testa (07:39):

And I think too, just like having that, that energy to find the strength to pivot can sometimes be hard, especially when you're just feeling so beaten down by everything. And yeah, that's a lot and it also affects relationships for sure.

Reketta Peterson (07:55):

And I really think that's important for us to speak on as a relationship therapist, I'm seeing more and more people come in which is good. I really think that if you are thinking about it, go ahead and schedule a session with a therapist. I feel like the earlier the better that gives us more wiggle room. And what I'm seeing is we have never been taught how to love our partners. I'm not sure about you, Amanda, but that has never been something that was in my childhood. How do you love your partner? In fact, my parents were never married and I feel that you bring that into adulthood. And I think family of origin is very important. Our partners can activate small T traumas that we've had in our childhood and it comes into place in your relationship. So you could eventually, you think it's communication, which you could be. Everyone comes in saying we just need help communicating. But under the umbrella of communication, there is activation. I like to call it activation rather than a trigger. And there is, I'm not getting what I need from my partner. And I'm pretty sure I'm also not providing what my partner needs. Well, how can we work this out?

Amanda Testa (09:16):

Right. And I think that I'm curious too, because when you feeling those activations come up and you're feeling like you're not able to get what you need or give what you need, what would be some things you could do in that area to kind of examine what might be happening?

Reketta Peterson (09:35):

Yeah. So I, I tend to tell my players to hold on to your anxiety for a few moments, the things that has activated you, because what you heard might not have been the intentions of your partner. And before we let that out in anger, perhaps stepping back and checking ourselves and say, is this about my partner? Or is this about me? Something happened here. And oftentimes whatever was said, reminds us of what happened in childhood. And it's really hard for us to sit with those emotions that would cause discomfort. That's so difficult. And we are trying to reach out to our partners to connect, but it comes out somewhat angrily. I would say, just not in a way out of love. It's not out of love.

Amanda Testa (10:23):

I know in those moments, it can be very hard to take that, to take that moment to not respond. Is there any tips you have on what you can do in that moment when you are trying to sit with the difficulty?

Reketta Peterson (10:33):

Yes. So, and somatic work, oftentimes you can like, and those people can't see me, but you would take your left hand and cover your right thumb. And that's essentially just hold yourself, holding yourself when you need it the most. And taking a moment to just breathe and ask yourself if this is, is this about me or is this about my partner right now? It could be about your partner, but you won't know that you can explore that gently, you know, gentle explortion is very important. I think the key as you and your partner works through things is that you're both seeking to connect with each other. You're both seeking emotional intimacy. And right now that is not happening when you would like for it too.

Amanda Testa (11:22):

And I think like, as you mentioned earlier, you know, with zero childcare or whether or not your kid's in school or not, or how you're juggling extended absences, if they are exposed or whatnot, you know, then it can feel like you have zero alone time, right?

Reketta Peterson (11:39):

Yes. I think what the pandemic, a lot of us have already hit our limit. And so we don't necessarily have that left for our partners. And I really feel like that's where we need it the most . our partners are, if you do have children, our partners are the ones that we can turn to the most for things. And if we are not in sync with each other, that can be hard for the entire family to get on the same page. Yes. We're afraid. Yes. We've been in this for over a year now, but the bigger picture is how can we pivot as a family as a couple, rather than how can I do this all on my own?

Amanda Testa (12:19):

I think that key is like doing it together. Yes. The collective piece,

Reketta Peterson (12:26):

I do want to pass on like emotional intimacy and terms of emotional work and then moving towards sexual desire.  You're tired and it’s kind of hard to get into that mood. You know, your libido evels might be at an all time low, or you still have that desire. You're tired and it's important to explore all aspects of your sexual desire. It could be something that is as a whole, and you can ask your primary care physician for a referral. And it can also be something where if stress is in the equation, reducing stress as much as you can. And I tell my clients to be intentional, be intentional with yourself, take time for yourself and take time with your partner. As soon as you walk through the door, 15 minutes is all you may need to connect 15 minutes, and then you can go about your day having your time.

Amanda Testa (13:25):

I think that point that you just made about it doesn't necessarily have to take a ton of time because sometimes it can be hard, especially if you are managing multiple things or like different jobs and all the, sometimes it can feel like two ships passing in the night when you're both super busy. And so I'm curious when you, when it comes to those 15 minutes, if you have maybe any suggestions for connection.

Reketta Peterson (13:50):

Yes. And it totally depends on your family and what you guys are doing. I mentioned to a few people that maybe having a quick shower and if your partner is someone that has to come home and shower immediately,  hop in the shower, what your partner, there's that intimacy piece right there. And if your partner is someone where you come home and right before they go out to feed the dogs or get back in some other activity, taking the time to check in more than how was your day, what was the most exciting part of your day for that? And just getting deeper, what your question is so important and what this does is it keeps your partner knowing that you appreciate them for all of who they are, I guess I would say, and they have that in the back of their mind and they're ready to go when it's time to go. So that emotional intimacy piece has,

Amanda Testa (14:45):

That's so important because it can feel sometimes just like your roommates and you're just shouting out orders. Like you do this, I did that. You did this.

Reketta Peterson (14:55):

So being intentional is so important. And I think we miss that often because we take each other for granted, you know, but the same way you would send a card to a friend for their birthday or anything that you might do, they would give flowers to a boss is the same way we should treat our partners. But more often since we see them more often than we would see people on the outside typically.

Amanda Testa (15:21):

Yeah. And like you said earlier about not feeling like we ever been taught how to truly love another person or ourselves, and that's a big thing, right?

Reketta Peterson (15:32):

Yes. It is such a big thing. I think when I realized that in training, like an aha moment. How often do you see people loving on each other? And that's why, and take nowadays, we are telling everyone that your relationship comes first. If you are in a household with children, because children can see what a healthy relationship looks like. So when it's time for them to go out and have the relationships as the middle, otherwise they know what to look for, what to look out for, what are red flags and having boundaries for yourself. And your partner is really important because you model that for your children as well. For me, for example, I have a six year old would love to spend every waking moment with me right now. And I love that because I know she'll be a teenager in like two days and I need to have those moments, but I also have to model that this is my time right now. And I've already had time with you. And I would love to have more time with you at a later time period. But right now this is mommy's time. And what it does is it establishes that you are important enough to take your time. And she sees that, and I hope that in the future, she understands that I am important enough to have this time for me.

Amanda Testa (16:51):

I think that is so key. And it is hard to, especially if you have seen and been taught that, you know, marty-ing  is the best way to be a mom which, you know, I know that comes up a lot.

Reketta Peterson (17:04):

It does. That's simply, and I don't think we always get it right, but I know for my own personal experiences and then I don't get it. Right. My daughter will let me know. And I apologize. And that's, what's key the repair work. So we're not going to always, we're flawed, we're human, but she'll say, you know what? I didn't like that. I don't think that was very nice. And then I just apologize, you know, because when we're trying to get out the door on a Monday morning, there will be times where I'm like, we gotta go, we gotta go. We gotta go.

Amanda Testa (17:34):

Yeah. And I think that, that is true. It's like the repair piece is so important. And I think too, it's like really taking care of yourself. And I, and honestly, I think it goes back to like when we first started talking about after having a baby, or during that time, you know, often it just, maybe then you have more kids and you just never get to that point of taking care of yourself. And then it comes, you know, 10 years down the line and you're like, oh wait, this is really important. And I'm curious, I would like to dig into a little more about like truly what happens in that time of pregnancy. And, you know, as we talked earlier about last month was infant mortality awareness month and infant loss and how, you know, the disparities there between BIPOC as well and how just all the things that make it more challenging. 

Reketta Peterson (18:29):

Yeah. Being in a pandemic. We still have things that are happening that have been happening. And that's where I come in with my diversity and equity piece, as a BIPOC health equity consultant, I highlight the disparities that are happening for black and indigenous people of color, which stands what that’s what BIPOC stands for last month was pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. And as it stands, black and indigenous babies are losing their lives at two times, the rate of white babies. And the CDC says that 60% of this is preventable. In fact, there was also an article recently that said, if a black infant had a black pediatrician they had a higher rate survival rate than if they didn't have a black pediatrician, and so right there, we're still doing a research on that, but that can show us that it's not necessarily something in the air. It's what we're doing and how you're aligning ourselves with our clients.

Reketta Peterson (19:35):

Implicit bias is what a lot of us are unaware of. And it's like a blinder. We don't see the blind spot. We don't see what we don't know. And that's where I come in to highlight, perhaps there is more implicit bias here, perhaps you're unaware of how you are reacting to your client or not reacting to your clients.

And that is key to saving lives because my baby just turned a year old two days ago and we've made a year. And I think about how many babies did not make the year. And I also just want to quickly highlight that, like I mentioned, there's nothing in the air, so to speak, but it is not, what are some things that are missing is the racial trauma piece of it all. Not having access to quality Healthcare, this is important to me, not having access to resources for moms who are fighting and struggling with postpartum depression or OCDPMADs in general, which stands for perinatal mood and anxiety disorders are really important. And that is the key to keeping health disparities low.

Amanda Testa (20:48):

And I'm wondering too, like when it comes to the changes that are needed, what would you say? Just people listening can do, like, what can we, how can we be more aware?

Reketta Peterson (21:00):

I love that. So I highlight anti-racism work, I think is really important to distinguish being anti-racist versus not a racist, because I really, a lot of individuals think, well, I'm not a racist and that's it. Well, one who gives you that right to say, I'm not a racist?  You know, who has distilled that upon you and how do you check yourself if you are not a racist? So what anti-racism work, what it is, is understanding that it is a journey and it will likely never in your life because white supremacy is systemic and it's structural. And it's in every aspect of our lives. Like you just said, BIPOC child from infancy from birth on into adulthood has a higher rate of dying than a white counterpart. They didn't even do anything. They were just born. So naming that, that it's structural and systemic is important first and foremost.

Reketta Peterson (21:59):

And in the work, if you are willing to do the work is recognizing that this is a long game. This is a marathon, and it's not going to be a quick, let me donate to the black lives matter or click, let me donate to whatever organization that you feel. You can still do it, but just keeping in mind that this is a long game. And I also want to stress that in a long game, it can be isolating. It can be lonely. It really can. And I want to name that for people because I, I want to empathize with you. A lot of people are not doing the work. You might be the only one in your family, the only one in your neighborhood, but just know that reaching out to the online organization is really important that you can just continue with this work because we need people out there doing the work.

Amanda Testa (22:47):

Yeah. And I think like you say, it is, it is a long game and it's taking care of yourself. So you can keep going back and keep doing the work. And also, you know, I, I just want to name as well as that, you know, just being aware is, is a big part, but there's so much more depth that that needs to happen. I feel like, especially for white people, because there's just the more you unlearn the better. And it's like you say it is getting the support. You need to do that. So reaching out to people like you right too, in your organization to work with that, do you work mostly with organizations in this, in this field? And so I'm curious like how you would go about, you know, if you have like what size businesses you love to work with, what's your sweet spot there?

Reketta Peterson (23:34):

Yeah. So I like working with small to medium sized organizations. I tend to work with providers and that is including a majority of birthing persons, burning providers easily. So doulas, OBGYNs. I'm just naming people, specialists, learning specialists of all kinds. What happens is I typically have a virtual workshop. You listen to me speak for about 45 minutes. I answer for questions. And then we have an affinity groups where we comment and it's a brave space. What I would like to happen in that space is that you come with all questions that you might have about this community that you serve. Why is that important? Because we don't want to de-center our clients in the actual office. And so we take our comments and questions to the actual brave space and we bravely ask, or we bravely  make a comment. And then we receive what we need to receive in that moment and hold ourselves accountable.

Reketta Peterson (24:33):

That is so important. And you named something there. I have a framework where self-awareness is the first step, and then we moved toward intentional change. And then intentional action is the last piece it's so important there, but first you have to become more aware of what's going on around you and what's going on within you. Is there some resistance there? There's some, I want to say, I would say a defense mechanism that comes up for you when you have to listen to something like this, or read something that you want to, tend to push it away. And that is really important because it tells you right there that there's still some work to be done. So you might not be racist, but there's still some anti racism work to be done.

Amanda Testa (25:17):

And I think you're right That action piece is a very key, important piece for companies that are looking to find support. I'm curious. Well, at the end, I want you to share more about how everybody can learn more about working with you and all of the beautiful ways you support, but there's other one other thing I wanted to speak to as well, because I think this is also an important point is, you know, just speaking to the health at every size. And I'd love to just tap into that for a minute too cause I think that is important because I think one of the things that a lot of people beat themselves up about is like trying to strive to some mythical norm that is unrealistic and definitely rooted in like white CIS, heteropatriarchy, like you said. And so all the, all that goes into that. And so I'd love to maybe if you would feel okay, speaking a little bit about the health at every size work that you do as well.

Reketta Peterson (26:02):

So I really think that is important, wasn't it until I did my own work on myself that I found that one, the BMI was built upon the idea of a white man. And so when someone says that you are overweight or obese, it's based on a body of a white man. And as you mentioned before it is a piece from white supremacy and anti-blackness, you can go back to the 18 hundreds where we had slavery, of course, and we had black bodies that were held that, how can I say this better? Okay, I'm sorry. So we had black bodies and we had black women being raped, sexually assaulted. And we had individuals in place that said, well, we want to kind of go ahead and have a hierarchy where white women are seen as the the supreme figure in being. And then everyone else can fall behind that.

Reketta Peterson (27:05):

This is nice as I can put it. And so with that came ideas about the black body that we were not human we were sub human, and we didn't feel pain as often as our white counterparts and et cetera, et cetera. So all that to say is that there was a negative outlook placed upon the black body. And we are genetically not all the same. That is a key piece too that it is okay to have the body that you have, what is not okay, is trying to fit into the idea of this euurocentric beauty standards that has been placed upon us by media and even out there with history. And so with that being said, HEAS tells us that health is not just about your physical appearance. Health is also mental and emotional, spiritual, and social economical, which is a huge piece when it comes to anti-racism work and what we can do for the internalized weight signaling that we have upon our bodies and ourselves. So when I speak to people in general HEAS, in that saying, don't lose weight, definitely not saying that. What they're saying is make sure you look at all aspects of your life. How's your mental health, how's your emotional health. A lot of people in the BIPOC community have struggled with social and economical health. How's that looking for you right now? And so it's just important to name every aspect of health instead of just focusing on the physical piece.

Amanda Testa (28:35):

And that is such a key thing, right? Cause it's not just about that one aspect. And then, and I'm wondering too, I mean, that goes hand in hand with just feeling better in general and being less burned out as a caregiver or even just as an individual.

Reketta Peterson (28:51):

Yeah. I want to speak on that a little bit. I want to just say stress does tend to get you to eat more. So you need to just be mindful of emotional eating. I think that's important to name. A lot of people are reading into intuitive eating, not sure if anyone is familiar with that one, but you can probably Google that and look it up and you can see that it's more of listening to our body, what our body needs and just being mindful of it might be eating out of stress, out of anger, out of sadness. And I think that's important to name too.

Amanda Testa (29:26):

Thank you for pointing that out as well. I think emotionally, that's such a challenging one to hold, right? Well, I feel like I could just keep talking to you. Thank you so much for sharing so much wisdom today. I'm wondering if there's anything else that maybe a question that you wish that I would've asked that I didn't ask or anything else that you want to share?

Reketta Peterson (29:48):

That's a really good question. I would like to share that I do have a book that is out for BIPOC women because we, another side here, we get 0.2% of the funding available for small businesses and that it can be very difficult. I know with me starting out with my private practice in the pandemic, I wasn't sure how I was going to do that, but it has worked out for me through consistency, hard work and networking, but the money was not there when it needed to be there. And so oftentimes we find ourselves unable to fulfill our dreams because we don't have the money to do that. All that being said, I do want to just say that I have a book coming out and what it talks about is mindset for individuals as we navigate entrepreneurship in a world that was not set up for us to navigate entrepreneurship.

Amanda Testa (30:42):

Amazing! when will it be out?

Reketta Peterson (30:45):

So I'm hoping it will be out this second week of November. So if you're listening to this right now, and even if you're not a little bit of power, if you know, for one, you can always get them that book and point out on Amazon through the Kindle app.

Amanda Testa (31:00):

And what's the title?

Reketta Peterson (31:01):

It's called Worthy. And it's a mindset experience for entrepreneurial women of color.

Amanda Testa (31:07):

Beautiful. I will definitely, and I'll make sure to put all the links for all of us too in the show notes. So you can find that information and where else can people connect with you and find you,

Reketta Peterson (31:18):

Yes, you can connect with me on Instagram. I'm at @arisecounseling I'm also a consultant. So you can also connect me at rspconsultingLLC.com and also LinkedIn, if you have, please connect with me there, it's just Reketta Peterson LPC.

Amanda Testa (31:44):

Thank you so much for Reketta again for being here. And I will make sure again, to put all those beautiful links in the show notes and anything else that, any last words?

Reketta Peterson (31:56):

No, just thank you for having me, Amanda. I really appreciate this time.

Amanda Testa (32:00):

Yes. Thank you. And thank you all for listening. 

My clients and friends have been asking me my thoughts about the Netflix series Sex, Love and Goop.   I wanted to share some reflections on what I loved, and how you can use this series as a tool in your own relationship.

I want to shout out those brave couples who were willing to go on camera, as I see so many clients who have similar issues.    Parenting has killed the spark, couples who have different styles of connection or "mismatched" desire, and women feeling like they want more skills and confidence in their bodies and in the bedroom.

We struggle in this area, because these are things we aren't taught coming along!  So the good news, is that if you have a desire to improve things in this area of your life, it is so possible.

Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts,Stitcher orSpotify.

Did you feel a calling to learn more about how I could help you in this area of your life?  Book a free call here and l'll give you some easy strategies to have more fun in bed, starting tonight.   

Listen to the episode here or tune in via Apple Podcasts,or Spotify.

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

If you liked this episode, please consider giving me a 5 Star Review on Apple Podcasts! It truly does help the podcast grow. 

Nourishment as sensual self care?  YES PLEASE!  

In this weeks pod episode I'm talking with my friend and Sensual Chef, Kiele Jael.  She is the founder of Kiele Jael wellness, and helps women tap into their sensuality and focus on self love through the arts of ancient food wisdom, and sensual cooking. 

As we move into the colder months, now is a perfect time to focus on nourishing ourselves from within, and in this episode Kiele shares some easy tangible ways to create rituals to honor ourselves and nourish our bodies. 

Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts,Stitcher orSpotify.

Kiele Jael is a Nutritional Chef and Sensuality Coach based in Austin, TX. It is her mission and passion to help make the art of cooking accessible and pleasurable for women who give a sh*t about their health. She works with clients in her group programs, classes, and courses, as well as 1:1, and has been featured in Vogue Arabia, Insider, Health Magazine, A&E, and multiple podcasts, articles, and radio shows.

Learn about her upcoming courses HERE.

Follow her on insta HERE.

Listen to the episode here or tune in via Apple Podcasts,or Spotify.

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

If you liked this episode, please consider giving me a 5 Star Review on Apple Podcasts! It truly does help the podcast grow.