JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

Amanda Testa is a trusted healer, coach, and guide who’s served hundreds of clients over the years with masterful skills in coaching, pleasure embodiment, and somatic trauma resolution.

Her clients tenderly heal their relationship with their sexuality, shamelessly embrace pleasure, own their sexy confidence, and cultivate deeply connected relationships with her fiercely loving support.

When she’s not leading transformative sessions, you can find her snuggling her kiddo, flirting with her sexy hubs, playing in nature, enjoying live music, and having epic conversations about sex with fellow experts on her Find Your Feminine Fire podcast.

Want more support from Amanda? Schedule a confidential 1-1 call with Amanda⁠ here.

In this 45 min call, we’re going to identify your #1 block to pleasure, why it’s showing up in the way it is, and what to do to turn it around. ⁠
⁠
After doing this work for almost a decade, I can quickly identify the patterns holding you back, and show you the steps to change it. ⁠
⁠
Permission to reach out even if it feels scary. Permission to reach out even if you aren’t even sure you want to do this work. Permission to reach out to explore if this is right for you, no strings or pushy sales tactics here.⁠

If you liked this episode, please consider giving me a 5 Star Review on Apple Podcasts! It truly does help the podcast grow. 

Have a topic or question you'd like Amanda to address on a future episode? Submit it on this anonymous form.

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a sex, love and relationship coach, and in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex, love, and relationships and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome
(00:21):
"Help, I've lost my libido. What do I do?" This is a question that I get so often and I wanted to do a podcast around this because it's been a while and this is such a multi-pronged question and such a multi-pronged solution I might say, because one of the things about when someone loses their libido, there's usually multiple causes. It's not something that you can just take a pill and fix overnight. I know that we wish there was, some out there, but they don't really work that way. So just know if this is you, that this is a really common thing.
(00:54):
First of all, I want to just explain a little bit about what I mean by libido when I'm talking about it, because typically when people come to me, what they're saying is they want to have more desire. They want to want to have sex, they want to feel good when they have sex, they want to enjoy more pleasure. So that's what I'm speaking to here. And if this is you, listen up. I want to share some really great tips with you today. So first of all, one of the first things that you want to do when you are kind of looking at your life and saying, all right, this is an area that I really want to improve. Oftentimes, there's not one straw that broke the camel's back, right? There's typically many. And so this might just be the final thread on a lot going on in your life.
(01:38):
So first of all, you want to make sure that you've ruled out all health concerns, that you don't have any kind of major health concern going on, because that too can affect your libido. And also sometimes there's seasons of life where you're going to be in a season where it's a winter where you're not going to have a lot of libido. Maybe you've had a death in the family, maybe you've gone through a tragedy, maybe you have been sick, maybe you're going through treatment for cancer. Who knows, right? There's so many things and you're not meant to be have your libido 100% all the time. That's just not normal. We fluctuate. We have cycles. We have cycles throughout the month. If you're still bleeding, then you'll notice that your desire changes throughout the month. If you are in menopause, you'll notice that there's seasons as well.
(02:24):
So it's just honoring first of all where you are and just taking stock. I'm in a place where this is really my top priority, and if so, great and if not great, we can find many ways to find joy and pleasure in our lives, and this is just one of the many ways. So I always want to invite that in. Also, when it comes to that, looking at the lens of your life and where you can invite in more joy and pleasure, maybe it's that you are just stressed to the gills, right? Maybe you're running at a hundred miles an hour every day without a break, without slowing down. Could this be you?
(03:06):
I know many of my clients are in this role. They're very successful, driven people that have a lot on their plate. Most of my clients are moms, right? They have big jobs or businesses that they're running. They have a family, they have a partner, they have a lot going on. They're also trying to do good in the world. And so being creative and nurturing themselves in the mix of everything can be challenging. So when it comes to that, you also kind of want to take a look at your life. Are you doing the things that bring you joy and pleasure or not? Are you saying yes to things that you really want to say no to? Are you moving toward the things that you're like, Ugh, I don't really want to do this, but I feel like I have to, so I guess I'll, right?
(03:48):
Or are you really taking stock of, am I going to make a decision that's going to best serve me right now? And here's a little tip right now I'm going to share. One tip that I think is so key is you don't have to answer anything right away. If someone asks you for something, you can give it twenty-four hours. If someone wants you to respond to something, you don't have to do it immediately. We are so conditioned that we have to immediately respond to something. We get an email. We have to immediately respond. If we get a text, we have to immediately respond. If someone asks us to do something, we have to immediately respond, and you don't. That is just a reaction that you can slow down and pause and think, is this really in my best interest? Yes or no? Do I need more time to think about it?
(04:28):
Yes or no? Right? And give yourself what you need there. Sometimes when we were looking at our lifestyle, there's some changes that might need to happen because when we're looking at libido, sex drive, desire, there are many. There's a multi-pronged approach. And the first one of those is looking at your lifestyle. Where can you make more choices that are serving you? Where can you make more time for yourself? Where can you bring in more opportunity to do the things that light you up? One of the practices I often have my clients do when we first start working together is to take some time and literally give yourself 30 minutes. Write down the things that you want right now. I know this is November when I'm recording this episode, and the holidays are upon us, and this is a really hectic time of life, and it can feel hard to put yourself first anytime of the year, but especially now because there's a lot of additional pressure and there's so much world stress going on.
(05:32):
There's the collective stress that you're holding as well as your own personal stress and everything else that's going on in your community. So there's a lot. And so knowing I'm going to invite you right now as you look into the month of December that is approaching us, what are the things that you want? What do you need? What would you love to experience? And give yourself 30 minutes and just write. You can draw if that's more, if that helps you get it out. But just give yourself that time because when even 10 minutes isn't magical, because 10 minutes can feel like an eternity sometimes when you're writing down what you want. Because for so many people they don't know. They don't even know that's the last thing they've ever thought about because it's always taking care of everyone else. And we're not doing this to be selfish or to negate the fact that there's things that need to be done, but it's like, what do you really want?
(06:20):
And it can help you get to that because when we can start to connect the things that light us up to our desires, that is a really huge step in getting your libido back. You want to find the things that make you feel good and do more of those things, right? Because then you're not starting at zero trying to get to 60 when you're doing the things that light you up when you're taking care of yourself, when you are involved in your community and being have relationships that are fulfilling, then you're feeling more around like you're humming around at a happier, maybe 15 or 20. So then when it comes time for sex or intimacy, then it's much more easy to get in the mood. So these are some ways that you can kind of get your motor humming, so to speak, is just by tuning into the things that give you joy. So that's your first little project here, okay? Write down the things that you desire.
(07:12):
Next is the other thing that I think is really important for people to understand is understanding how your body works. This is such a huge thing because again, we are very conditioned to think certain parts of our body are dirty, wrong, shameful, sinful. And I believe this is not the case. I believe we are divinely made, and every part of us is divinely made, and every part of us is magical and mystical and deserves to be adored. We need to be curious about our own body. We need to be curious about our own being. We need to always explore what are the things that feel good to my body? What are the things that I don't like? And this changes and evolves. It changes on a daily basis. And so taking time to get to know your body is really important. And maybe that's something that feels hard for you.
(08:04):
Maybe that's something that feels exciting for you. Maybe you love to take care of yourself in that way, and maybe you have a regular self-pleasure practice that you already do. But I encourage people to do this because one of the things I've seen time and time again, it's like anything, right? You can read a book, you can listen to a podcast, you can do all the things, but until you actually do the thing, do the practice, you're not going to get the result. You can read about losing weight. You can read about getting strong. You can read about building muscle, but until you actually lift a weight, you're not going to do it. So it's the same type of thing with our sexuality. It's part of our overall health and wellness. And I really like to encourage people that you got to have a sexual wellness routine.
(08:50):
You got to have a sexual fitness routine, and you don't need to call it that. I don't like to call it that personally because I think it's always something I want to do, right? I've had a long journey with that too. That's for another podcast. But just what are the things that make your body feel good? And how can you do more of those things? Maybe it's like just moving your hips a little bit to a song in the morning. Maybe it's doing some gentle yoga. Maybe it's meditating. I teach a lot of this when I'm working with clients. I have a lot of strategies around how to learn your body, how to figure out what it likes and wants, how to give those things to your body, how to communicate with your partner about this so that in the end, you are much more sensually alive.
(09:31):
You're enjoying so much more pleasure in your body, and you know how to make your body come alive. And again, and I want to just remind people this, it sometimes takes time. This is a journey. This is not overnight, and I think everybody wants a quick fix. I know, I know. But let me just tell you, once you start to make the changes, little subtle shifts start to happen. And when you look back over a few months and you start noticing these subtle shifts, it's actually huge. The momentum is huge. And so I say this because I think people can get discouraged that, oh, I tried this and it didn't work, or I did this one time and it didn't work. It takes repetition. It takes doing things over time to make it easier. Your body is an instrument and you have to learn to play it.
(10:18):
And just like any instrument that you're learning, you're not going to whip out the cello and be yo-yo ma. It takes practice, it takes study, it takes dedication. And it's the same with our sexuality. These are learned skills. I want to just remind people of that that's the good news, the good news that these are learned skills. Anybody can learn them. Maybe you've never even had an orgasm before. Maybe you don't even know what that feels like. You can learn how to do it. It might just take a little extra time if you've never figured that out yet. And it's no fault of our own if we have it because we've never been taught this, right? Most of us never got great sex ed. Most of us never got pleasure based sex ed. So you're not alone if this is you. And so I just want to remind you that it's okay.
(11:02):
You can figure this out. Take a breath and you can figure this out. I know what happens to a lot of my clients is because right now I'm in this phase two of perimenopause where things that used to work don't work the same way. Things that used to feel really good might not feel the same anymore. And so maybe there's more numbness. Maybe it takes longer to get aroused, maybe it takes more patience. And this is the kind of thing that you can start to learn the more you work with your body and the more you learn your instrument is a lot of compassion for yourself, a lot of compassion that it might take longer, that you might need to do things differently. But a ten-minute quickie isn't going to do it for you and create it. There's nothing wrong with a ten-minute quickie. Sometimes that's fun too, and sometimes it can feel fun just to connect in that way. But for the majority of women, women, for the majority of full-bodied humans out there, it takes an average of forty-five minutes to be fully turned on, to be fully engorged, to have all your erectile tissue, fully engorged and full of blood and ready for fun. And let me ask you, when was the last time that you had an experience that allowed that to happen for you?
(12:20):
Happen? And it's not like you need that all the time, but it's so beautiful when you can have it. My husband and I, we have a tradition that this is an amazing tradition, and I'm so grateful to my sweet mama because she makes it possible. As she usually comes out around Thanksgiving holiday week, she usually comes out over the holidays, and when she's here, we sneak away for a night somewhere, usually at a hotel in Denver nearby a little staycation. But it is so impactful to have that time, and that's the luxury. We don't get to do that all the time. We don't get to do that hardly ever. So when we can do that, it's incredible how connected we are to be able to have the extra time to be able to just hang out, not have to take care of anyone else, just to be alone with your partner.
(13:12):
It's so huge. So maybe you can get creative and figuring out how you could carve out more time for yourself. It doesn't have to be a whole night, it could just be an afternoon, a morning, but making time to nourish yourself and your relationship is so key. Making time is a big point here. I get that can be hard, but anything that you want to flourish, you have to make time for. And this is what happens a lot of times with my clients that are going through premenopause, as I just mentioned, is we need more time. We don't have, there's less patience maybe that you have. Maybe you're in a rut, maybe you've been in a relationship for a long time now and you're like, things are boring. And I saw the funniest, this funniest reel my sister sent me today, and I was dying. So in this reel, it's a comedy reel. This guy's dressed up like the wife, and she's like, I just think we've lost our spark. And it spans over, pans over to the husband, and he's like, had a cpap on, and he's taking off the cpap and he's got to take off his eye mask. And then he takes off his nose strip and he's taking out his mouth guard and slobbering, and he puts his glasses on.
(14:24):
And I was dying because how true is that? When you've been in a long-term relationship, sometimes you just have to laugh at just how you are. You're just in it together, which is beautiful too. But sometimes that kind of takes the spark away when you're like, all right, here we are. I know my husband and I have taken pictures like that before. He with a cpap and me with my eye mask and stripping all the things. Oh, but that's the fun, that intimacy, the vulnerability of being fully yourself with someone. So what can you do then is here's what I often tell people, because for most of us, not everyone, but for a lot of people, the end of the day is not the best time to have sex. You're tired, you're touched out, you have decision fatigue. You just want to go to bed often.
(15:06):
And when you're younger, that might've been great, but the older you get, you're tired. And so it's getting creative when you find times to connect. So I always love midday if you both work from home, which a lot of people do now, making time to meet for lunch at your house when the kids are at school, making time to meet for morning connection, like weekends. Maybe you can send the kids to a neighbor on a Saturday morning or a Sunday morning or something like that. It's getting creative to find time to connect where you might've find just different times of the day that might work better for you nowadays. So that's kind of thing I'm talking about when you're kind of reviewing your lifestyle, is it when am I at my best? When do I actually want to connect? And also, I've talked about this before on the podcast, but everyone has different ways that they like to connect.
(16:03):
Sometimes people need an emotional connection first. Sometimes people are purely physical. A lot of the times I work with my clients on the erotic blueprints as well, because this is a way you can learn your sexual style, so to speak, so that you can find new ways to come together with your partner. And the more you learn about each other and the more you try new things, the deeper you can go. That's one of the things I love about sacred sexuality and what I love to teach clients around sacred sexuality is because there's the depth there. There's so much depth and richness when you can merge that spiritual connection with your sexuality, with your partner in new ways. And again, that's not for everyone. Everybody has different styles and different things they enjoy, but when you have the willingness to explore and the willingness to just have fun and be silly about it, because sometimes like anything, right, you'll have your comedic moments.
(16:57):
My husband and I were recently, we were testing out a course for some friends of mine, and one of the lessons was around these hip swivels and doing different hip swivels together. And we were laughing so hard because again, I think this is one of the times where my husband had something wrong with his hip. And then I was think this thing that happened as we age and you just have to laugh and go through it because we're normal. That's going to happen. That's life. And the more you just take it in stride and laugh and move forward the better. And sometimes laughter can be a huge connector. It can be a huge energy release. And so that can be really sexy too when you can keep moving forward. So another thing I want to just point on really quick is everyone has their own opinion about hormonal treatments and this, that and the other, but you always wanted to carefully discuss that with a healthcare provider.
(17:54):
And I am, I'm a coach, I'm not a doctor, so that is not something that I work with specifically, but I think that's a personal decision that everyone has to make what feels right for them, because some people have great results with it, some people don't want to do it. And no matter how you choose to move forward, you can find ways holistically to improve your sex life. And the reason, that's another reason why I really find sensual self-care practices are really essential, especially as we age is because anything, you have to use it so you don't lose it. Especially as we age, it's just like building muscle. It's a lot harder to do as we age, and we do not want to lose that muscle so we can be strong and be able to enjoy our life through the decades. The same is true with our sexuality.
(18:43):
The more you take care of your vulva, the more you bring pleasure to your genitals, the more blood flows there, the more sensate flows there, the more the nerves are healthy, all of that makes a difference. And so again, this is why you want to continually take care of yourself, and it doesn't have to be an everyday thing, but just some kind of continual care, some kind of continual attention. And so many times I will work with clients and they are connecting with their bodies in ways they never have. And there can often be emotions to work through. There's often a lot to work through if it's something that's been neglected for a while, because that part of you can feel it has this consciousness, I believe, and it can feel neglected or sad and is happy you're coming back to give it attention. It's just like any part of you, right?
(19:31):
If you haven't worked out for two years and you want to go try to go take a workout class, you're probably going to be super sore the next day. But you want to keep moving forward, the muscles are going to start getting stronger. The same with your pelvic floor. That's another big part of it is your pelvic floor strength. So these are all aspects we look at when we work together. And so I want to recap a little bit. I know I've been talking about a lot of different things today, but really just to kind of break it down, help, I've lost my libido. What do I do? Number one, you don't want to rule out anything that's major in any major medical issue. Number two, you want to give yourself grace if you're at a season of winter and know that's normal. Number three, you want to start remembering the things that light you up.
(20:19):
I want to start remembering the things that bring you joy, like the desire list I told you about. Number four, you want to check out your lifestyle. What can you change potentially in your schedule? What can you say no to that's not lighting you up? What can you do to make sure that you are taking a little bit better care of yourself, making time to maybe incorporate some sensual self-care, right? That's number five. And that's one of the reasons why I have my pleasure membership called the Pleasure Foundation. It's basically a central self-care salon where you can come in twice a month and enjoy a breath work practice or a pleasure ritual and just to be able to have those little touch points to learn how to connect with your body. And then you also, the other thing is looking at it like a wellness routine.
(21:07):
Your sexual wellness is an important part of your overall health, and so it's something that needs to be nourished and cared for, and there's tools that you can do to learn. So it's a learned skill, but maybe it's like, how can I be more open to this? How could I potentially learn more about how to do this? How can I learn more about my body? How can I learn more about the things that I want to enjoy? How can I have better be able to talk about this more easily with my partner? And these are all, I have a lot of resources like this that are free. You can also go to amandatessa.com and you can check out all the free resources. I do have a ton or you've reach out to me. And also making sure working the pelvic floor, all these things, there's a lot, because there's often times pelvic pain, right?
(21:53):
So there's a multi-pronged approach here. But I just want to give you some basic tips that you can use to get your libido humming again. And even if you just take one thing away from this podcast, if you just write down that desire list and start doing some things on that list, I'm going to tell you, you're going to start to notice some shifts. And when you start to notice some shifts, you start making more changes so that you do find more pleasure and joy, and then you make more changes. And that's how it works, because it's not overnight, but it's finding the doable ways to keep moving forward, the doable ways to approach the things that might feel hard and not overwhelming yourself, but doing it in a way that is actually sustainable. That's another big part of it. So thank you for listening.
(22:41):
And if you are inspired to learn more, then I encourage you to reach out again. You can go to Amandatessa.com and you can find out all the ways to get some free resources or work with me if that feels like something that's aligned for you. And as we move into the holidays, this is again a crazy time. So thinking about that as well, what could I do to make sure that I am not over committing myself, that I am setting some realistic boundaries and really doing those things so that you can emerge on the other side feeling better, and that you also have the time to do the things that are important to you and care for the people that are important to you and the causes that are important for you, and doing the things that you need to do to make the world better place, right?
(23:35):
Sending you much love. And we'll see you next week. Thank you so much for listening to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. This is your host, Amanda Tessa. And if you have felt a calling while listening to this podcast to take this work to a deeper level, this is your golden invitation. I invite you to reach out. You can contact me at amandatesta.com slash activate and we can have a heart to heart to discuss more about how this work can transform your life. You can also join us on Facebook and the group Find Your Feminine Fire Group. And if you've enjoyed this podcast, please share with your friends. Go to iTunes and give me a five star rating and a rating review so I can connect with other amazing listeners like yourself. Thank you so much for being a part of the community.

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

Check out the links from this podcast here:

Feeling safe when the world is scary

Amanda Testa is a trusted healer, coach, and guide who’s served hundreds of clients over the years with masterful skills in coaching, pleasure embodiment, and somatic trauma resolution.

Her clients tenderly heal their relationship with their sexuality, shamelessly embrace pleasure, own their sexy confidence, and cultivate deeply connected relationships with her fiercely loving support.

When she’s not leading transformative sessions, you can find her snuggling her kiddo, flirting with her sexy hubs, playing in nature, enjoying live music, and having epic conversations about sex with fellow experts on her Find Your Feminine Fire podcast.

Want more support from Amanda? Schedule a confidential 1-1 call with Amanda⁠ here.

In this 45 min call, we’re going to identify your #1 block to pleasure, why it’s showing up in the way it is, and what to do to turn it around. ⁠
⁠
After doing this work for almost a decade, I can quickly identify the patterns holding you back, and show you the steps to change it. ⁠
⁠
Permission to reach out even if it feels scary. Permission to reach out even if you aren’t even sure you want to do this work. Permission to reach out to explore if this is right for you, no strings or pushy sales tactics here.⁠

If you liked this episode, please consider giving me a 5 Star Review on Apple Podcasts! It truly does help the podcast grow. 

Have a topic or question you'd like Amanda to address on a future episode? Submit it on this anonymous form.

Amanda Testa (00:01):
Hello and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire Podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a sex, love and relationship coach, and in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex, love, and relationships and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome. Hello and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. This is your host, Amanda Testa, and I just wanted to start with saying thank you for listening to the podcast. I'm so grateful that you are here and in times like this, it can feel really challenging to go about your daily tasks and do all the things that must be done. And I just want to just give a little hug to your heart if that's where you are right now. I know for myself, I've been feeling that big time and I, I've been doing every other week podcasts because I need a little break after putting out a weekly podcast every day for four years.
(01:03):
It's a lot and I so appreciate it. I love being able to talk to so many amazing people and to just share my heart with you. So that's what I'm here to do today. I actually just finished a four day somatic training, which I'm always learning new things and I love that, and it just reinforces a lot of what I already do and know, but with's different nuances. And I think something that I saw that was really powerful this weekend is so many different people from all backgrounds and walks of life and places in the world and coming together to really try to help people.
(01:43):
And I think one of the things when you have an empathetic, caring personality like that or heart like that, there are so many healers that I see that also take on a lot and hold a lot and are having a hard time because I think as we do this work, of course we know the things to take care of our own selves so that we can be good at our jobs and holding space for our clients, but also just honoring when it's hard and sometimes it's hard. And so I just want to give you some tools that might help you if it feels hard right now. It is hard and you're not alone if that's how you feel.
(02:32):
So first of all, I want to share a tool that I really find powerful around trying to find some elements of stability when things feel chaotic. And one of the ways that you can do that is just here and now taking a moment and feeling into where you are in time and space, maybe even looking at the time wherever you are, when you're hearing this, what time is it? What day is it? Taking yourself to this present moment right here and now, because truly that's what we have. And when we feel a lot of anxiety about the future or fear or worry, and it can be really hard to feel present. And when we are able to find more capacity in ourselves, we do have a better capacity to show up with more creativity, with more problem solving, with more of our best self so that we can take the steps that we need.
(03:38):
So for first thing, noticing where you are in time and space, maybe just kind of feeling the weight of your body. Maybe you're taking a walk, maybe you're driving, maybe you're cleaning the house, whatever you're doing, just notice where you're standing and maybe even just if you want to pause for one second and just feel your feet on the ground where you are right now. Maybe even looking around your space and noticing what kind of things help you feel. Maybe just more secure in this moment. Maybe it's that the sun is shining or maybe it's that you have a loved one nearby, or maybe it's that you hear a familiar sound in the background, maybe even looking around over your shoulders, really looking around your space, noticing if there's anything in your space that you like to look at.
(04:29):
I'm noticing in my space, I have this pillow over on my couch in my office that's like gold and sparkly, and I'm noticing all my blankets all cuddled up on the bed or on the couch from when I was doing my training this weekend. I spent some time cuddled up on the couch. And maybe just even noticing these little pockets that feel safe enough to lean into a little more. Maybe there's an image that comes to mind for you of a memory or a time that felt just so good. Maybe you were surrounded by people you love. Maybe you were being hugged by someone you love. Maybe you're laughing with a friend. Maybe you're enjoying something beautiful in nature.
(05:24):
Maybe you're enjoying a book. Maybe just taking a minute to think about that moment, what you were doing, where you were, what made it good, were the elements that brought peace and pleasure to that experience. And even as you think of that, maybe just noticing what you're feeling even at the level of maybe your breath or your body temperature, or maybe if there's anything bubbling up that you notice, just kind of allowing whatever is there to be, or maybe allowing your mind to go back to that memory or that thought of a time where you just felt really good and felt comfortable and held and connected. Or if that feels hard to connect to maybe envisioning what that could be like maybe even here and now, just noticing what might feel comfortable in your experience that you're having right here and now. Maybe how that felt to tune into that memory of something that felt good. Oftentimes, it can bring a shift in our nervous system when we can connect to something that brings us joy or love or connection.
(07:11):
And so some of these little tools I like to call resources or one of my mentors, Rachael Maddox calls it the big exhale list. Things that just help you feel relaxed, things that help you feel more present, things that help you feel just like your whole body is relaxing. And sometimes even just bringing yourself to this present moment, thinking about a time or a memory where things felt really good can bring you back to that space. Even in your physiology. I want to share a few more things that might be something that you could connect to on this full body exhale list. It could be you want it to be really simple things, right? So maybe it's take a shower and get dressed and clothes that make you feel good. Maybe it's that you clean up your space a little bit. Maybe you watch a funny video on YouTube. Maybe you read a little bit of your favorite book. Maybe you drink a glass of water. Maybe you take three deep breaths with audible exhales heels. Maybe. Let's do that now. Maybe you want to turn on your favorite song and just let your body move and shake and dance and shake it out. Maybe you want to create a community of support for yourself. Maybe there's a best friend that you want to reach out to and connect with. Maybe you
(08:54):
Could make a list of the people that you really enjoy spending time with that make you feel good, that make you feel seen, that make you feel connected, and make a list of those people and try to create an opportunity to be together. It could even just be a quick phone call or a text. Sometimes I like to call one of some of my best friends and say, I need a little pep talk. Can you send me something that you appreciate about me? And that can feel like a really vulnerable thing to do, but we have to learn to ask for help. It's not easy. It is such a powerful tool, especially when you're feeling low on resource, when you're feeling like it's hard, reaching out to a friend can be huge and letting them know exactly what you need if you're available, and if you're not, that's okay too.
(09:42):
Could you please send me a little voice memo or a text of something that you appreciate about me? I'm having a hard day. And nine times out of 10, you'll get a response because it feels good to help someone else. If your friend asked that of you, how would you respond? It would probably make you feel good to send that out. Sometimes it's even just thinking of somebody that you really love and appreciate and sending a quick text to them can help light you up. Maybe if you have a pet, you could play with your pet.
(10:12):
Maybe you could take a quick walk around the block. Maybe you could just take a moment and then imagine yourself and in one of your favorite places, kind of like we just did, maybe you want to snuggle up in a blanket with a hot cup of tea. Maybe if you play music, you might want to play your instrument. Maybe you want to go to your favorite coffee shop and just be in the presence of other humans. Sometimes that's one of my favorite things to do is just take a walk to the coffee shop and something about that. It's a multi-pronged thing, right? I focus on being outside. I focus on the walk. I usually take my dog or I go through one of my favorite coffee shops that can, even just being in the bustle of other people can sometimes feel good to me. So maybe thinking of some things for you, what that might be, because creating this list is really powerful and I would encourage you to write it down somewhere. Write down these things that help you feel more connected. Because when we are stressed out or when we're overwhelmed or in times of duress, it's really hard to remember what those things are. And so when you can find these little pockets of relative comfort, you can sit in and it makes it easier when you go back into the world, go back into the challenges, go back into the realities that are happening,
(11:55):
Really just make it personal to you. What are the things for you? And I wanted to just share some of these resourcing tools because I think in times like this, these are some of the most powerful things to really help you be able to move forward. And there's a lot of different ways to connect to things like this. And so if this is something that is calling to you and you want more ideas around it, I do have a free resource online. If you go to amanda testa.com/safety and you can just automatically watch the videos there. It's like a three-part series. I did it a few years ago, but the concepts are still very valid. And so I would encourage you to check that out if that calls to you. The other thing I want to share around this is even just doing a little bit of that can often give you more capacity to handle hard things.
(12:47):
When you kind of dip into difficulty, go back to where it feels good, dip into difficulty. It gives you more capacity to sit with difficult things because we don't want to put our heads in the sand and just hide from reality. That doesn't help anything or anyone. But when you can sit with what's hard and build your capacity to do that, it makes it more able for you to find creative solutions. I think one of the things that I have learned in my 10 years of working in this industry, coaching and helping people reconnect their sexuality and heal from trauma and all the things that is one of the things that I am just always amazed by time and time again, is when clients reconnect to this blueprint of health at the center of their body. And sometimes it's really challenging to do right? Sometimes it's not very possible. It feels impossible. But even just finding little pockets where you can sit and somehow even in your mind, just think of something that brings you comfort, it makes it much easier to go back to facing what's hard.
(14:03):
And I'm curious for you how this is landing. What around this would feel more supportive to you? And often people are like, well, you're a sex and relationship coach. Why do you talk so much about this? This is a huge part of it. We are holistic beings, and when we are in states of emergency or duress, our sex hormones are the first to go. And it's okay if that's the case for you. It may feel harder to be in that space, but I also know that connection is the antidote to loneliness. Connection is where hope lies, like community connection, showing up in a way that feels good for your community, surrounding yourself with community. Those things are so important right now. So if that is something you can do, reach out. If that feels hard, maybe think who? What would I like to be a part of more?
(15:01):
And I guarantee you there's people out there that have been doing it a long time that would welcome you, that would love to have you. And so just think about what that is. I know sometimes when you're in a disconnected state or it feels hard, it's kind of like, well, I don't know if I even have the tools and resources to look for things or find ideas or Google. So if that's the case, just know if that's okay too. Make it small, make it doable. Maybe it's reaching out to a friend, like I said, keeping it doable.
(15:35):
Maybe it's reaching out to a neighbor. Maybe it's connecting with a new person that might be someone that you might see in your neighborhood or in your building or wherever it might be that you might want to connect more with. And also knowing that oftentimes these little bits of human connection can be resourcing. That's one of the things I like about going to a coffee shop or taking a walk or being outside is often I pass someone. And isn't it the best feeling? When you share a genuine smile with someone, it can give you just a little moment of connection. And it's interesting because I'm reading this book right now, it's called, I recently started a book club, which I tell you what, that was a really good thing for me because for the past 10 years, most books that I read are always some kind of educational book in my field, something that's always learning.
(16:33):
And I joined this book club where we just read for fun. And I know that's not like a groundbreaking thing, but for me was because I wouldn't allow myself to take breaks to read just for fun. I'm like, oh, I need to be learning this, or I need to be doing that. And it's been really great. So needless to say, also connecting with new people that is fun that I didn't really know before. And so the book we're reading now is called One With the Cure, which is, it's about the team that found the vaccine for polio. And it's interesting how in this book, it was in the forties, so the polio outbreak was going on. World War II was going on. There was all kinds of horrific things. And it just reminds me a lot of today what's going on. But having these little connections and these points of things that would bring connection throughout it all, maybe it was a shared vision or a shared goal, also helps when we have a
(17:48):
Shared collective that really helps. So thinking about what those things are for you, what would support you, and thank you for being here. Again, thank you for listening. I know this podcast is, it's just kind of a straight from the Heart podcast. What I'm feeling right now, it's like I am not feeling my usual self. I'm not feeling, I feel like this is what's important to talk about because this is what I feel like I need and this is what I see people around me need. And when we can come more resource to whatever we're facing, we have a lot better opportunity to, again, bring our best selves forward, to show up creatively, to show up with an open heart and open mind and curiosity. So I hope this has touched your heart in some way, that has brought in maybe a little pocket of peace or connection as you hear my voice. No, that's my intention.
(18:52):
Thanks again for listening, and we'll see you next time. Thank you so much for listening to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. This is your host, Amanda Testa. And if you have felt a calling while listening to this podcast to take this work to a deeper level, this is your golden invitation. I invite you to reach out. You can contact me@amandatestthe.com slash activate, and we can have a heart to heart to discuss more about how this work can transform your life. You can also join us on Facebook and the group Find Your Feminine Fire Group. And if you've enjoyed this podcast, please share with your friends. Go to iTunes and give me a five star rating and a raving review so I can connect with other amazing listeners like yourself. Thank you so much for being a part of.

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

Bria Gadd is an integrative nutritionist, holistic health coach, and certified personal trainer, who specializes in female hormones, helping women with weight release and energy gain in pre and post menopause, and finding clarity in hormonal chaos.

After helping thousands of women lose weight in their 20's and 30's, Bria recognized a difficult shift in women's ability to get results in their body during their perimenopause years. With more than 12 years of experience in the fitness and nutrition industry, Bria created a proven strategy to dramatically improve the challenges women are experiencing in weight release and energy.

Her podcast The Period Whisperer is a top 2.5% wellness podcast in the world, and you can follow her on insta HERE.

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Amanda Testa (00:02):
Hello and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire Podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a sex, love and relationship coach, and in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex, love, and relationships and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome.
(00:21):
Hey, what's up? It's Amanda. If you're enjoying this pod and you know are ready to say yes to more pleasure and you are just wanting to know, how the hell do I do it? Well, you are in luck because as of now we have spots available in the Pleasure Foundation, which is my pleasure membership, where twice a month you get an amazing practice that teaches you how to drop into your body to become more connected to yourself and to learn the art of sacred self-care. So if this is something you're interested in, go to amanda testa.com/tpf, as in the pleasure foundation, amanda testa.com/tpf, and we will see you there
(01:01):
If you feel like you're riding the perimenopause rollercoaster and are ready for feeling a little more grounded and balanced in it all, You are going to love this week's episode of the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. In this week's podcast, I'm talking with Bria Gadd, the Period Whisperer. She's an integrative nutritionist, holistic health coach and certified personal trainer who specializes in female hormones and helping women listen to the whispers of their body. So today we're going to be diving into the impact of perimenopause on our hormones and what we can do to take more charge during this time of our lives. So welcome. Thank you with so much for being here, Bria.
Bria Gadd (01:36):
Thank you, Amanda. I'm so excited and super honored to be here. Anything that says Feminine Fire has got me.
Amanda Testa (01:41):
Yes. Well, I love the work that you do and I think it's so important because like you say, there's so many things that happen in midlife with hormones and everything else, and often people aren't even aware of what's happening in their bodies. And so I would love, if you wouldn't mind just even starting with a little bit about what led you to be so passionate about this and helping people in this Way.
Bria Gadd (02:02):
Yeah, thank you. Absolutely. I spent the first part of my career years I'd say, and when I was raising kids as an online trainer and nutrition coach. So I worked with thousands of women over about 12 years on finding space and time in their life to create, to work out, to eat healthy. And it was a real joy, it was a good piece for me to feel like I was grounded amidst those busy years of raising kids. But around 35, I started to notice a shift in my clients where most of my clients were around my age, which I find often happens, right? Because we can relate a little bit a lot to what they're going through. And I started hearing more and more from some of them that just things weren't working very well or they were just really tired. They were feeling more run down, they were having more intense periods or p m s, and it always gave me pause.
(02:54):
There was a couple years there where I was like, I don't get it. I don't understand. They must be missing something. And then around 37 for me, it was like it all just started for me, it felt like overnight it kind of started as this low grade fatigue, this exhaustion, this brain fog and then irritability and anxiety, which I'd never really experienced in my entire life. And I gained about 15 pounds without even really changing anything. And my periods started getting crazy. I had digestive issues. And the real kicker for me is I stopped sleeping well, and that's like I've always been my superpower. My whole life is to sleep well. And it's like if I can get a good night's sleep, I can handle just about anything. And when that started to go, I could just feel myself cracking. And I mean, not only was it impacting me, but I never felt like I could help anybody.
(03:47):
I can't help myself. I don't understand what's going on. I was trying to work out more. I was trying to do all the things that I had done. So I went to my healthcare practitioner who did all the blood work and she was really wonderful, but she's like, Bria, you're the picture of health. And I left there feeling you should feel relieved when none of the things you've Googled are actually true. You're like, what are all these symptoms and all these awful things come out? And I'm like, I should have felt relieved, but I felt really low, just really disheartened. I'm like, I was 37 when this was happening to me, and I was like, if I'm the picture of health at 37 and this is the best I'm going to feel, I don't know that I can do it. I just don't know that I have another 40 years in me.
(04:33):
That's how bad I felt. And that was what started me down this path of really thinking, okay, I'm not ready to wave the white aging flag here. I need to really understand what's happening in the body. And because my period was so wonky, I was like, I'm going to start here. And it was through that research, through those certifications of really specializing in female hormones where I started to understand what perimenopause is and the fact that 50% of women, and this is a statistic, don't know the difference between perimenopause and menopause. And I was one of them . And I had been working with women in the wellness industry for 10 to 15 years. So if I didn't know what it was and I have a mother as a nurse, I'm like, I don't know what it is. I mean, what help do other people have?
(05:20):

(05:20):
Yeah,
Amanda Testa (05:20):
It's interesting. I don't think young people don't talk about it.
Bria Gadd (05:23):
Yeah, don't, it's such a taboo topic. And I think the other statistic that always blows my mind is that 73% of women are struggling with symptoms in perimenopause so significantly that it's impacting their life and they're not getting help. I mean, look, I think you and I both believe that women are magic, and I'm like, if we're not able to be the magic we can, that's just not okay with me. So that's really how it was my unraveling and undoing and learning of my own struggle and finding healing that launched me down this path of really understanding what is going on in women's bodies and helping them really tune into the messages that our body gives to us. Because you also talk about we really share this, we've been trained not to pay attention, not to know or to hide them from ourselves or ignore them. And that was my mistake. That's where it was. Learning those messages again, that helped me find healing and feel better now in my forties than I ever did about my body in my twenties.
Amanda Testa (06:26):
That is so powerful. And you brought up a point that I would like to talk a little bit more about because I think so many women, they'll go to their doctor, they want support, they get the tests are like, oh, everything's fine. And I'm wondering, what is your thought? Why does the medical system and the way it's set up, why does it fail women in perimenopause? Why do you think it's not giving them the support they need?
Bria Gadd (06:48):
Well, first of all, it wasn't until the nineties when women of reproductive age were even required to be a part of research studies because of our hormone brethren, we were considered unpredictable. So they didn't keep us in the studies, which means that until the nineties and even after that, we know there's a transition time, and then nineties isn't that long ago. So all of our research in all the medical aspects and nutrition and wellness and fitness was assuming that we're all small men basically. So that I think is a big piece. First of all, there's just highly uneducated in general, women's research around women's bodies is just it's light years behind. So I think that's a big one. And then probably the other piece is just in general, we are in a bit of a microwave Amazon prime mentality now where it's like, what's the quick fix? What's the quick fix? And the reality is just connecting with our more deeper intimate selves. You cannot push a rope, you can't force something. You have to really create the space for healing and allowing in the body, and you just can't buy that in a pill.
Amanda Testa (07:58):
And I think that's what can be so frustrating. I know my clients also feel like with sexuality, but I want this fixed yesterday and that's just not how it works.
Bria Gadd (08:09):
Yeah, absolutely.
Amanda Testa (08:11):
I'm wondering too, I know if you wouldn't mind just sharing a little bit more, I know people that are listening, they're like, oh, yes, I understand the symptoms, I know what this is. But if you would just share a little bit more what are some of the main symptoms and complaints that people have during this time? And just to also clarify for those, the difference in perimenopause and
Bria Gadd (08:29):
Menopause
Amanda Testa (08:29):
Is because oftentimes people don't realize people can start perimenopause even in their thirties or sometimes even. So speak to all that please.
Bria Gadd (08:36):
Yeah, for sure. So I love that question. Thank you. So menopause is really a day, a year after your last period when your menses pauses. So it's like when it's over. So after that you're kind of post menopause. So it's really just one day is menopause everything. Leading up menopause is what we call perimenopause or pre menopause or the menopause transition. So you might hear it called any one of these things just like puberty. It's a shifting time period of landscape. Obviously it's a lot longer than puberty, but it typically starts in women around 35. Now the big thing that I think is so important, well two things. One, it is as significant as puberty and pregnancy. And I think why I love talking about it, why I think we should all talk about it more is that we recognize puberty's a big deal. We can physically see our kids changing or see our bodies changing in puberty.
(09:33):
We recognize pregnancy is a big deal and postpartum because we can physically see the human being grown in the human. We can see these things. We cannot see the change necessarily in perimenopause, but it's huge. It's as significant and it deserves the same, I think awareness and education and compassion as those other times. But to try to make it really simple for everyone to understand that this is how I digest it is what's happening in this transition of perimenopause to menopause is that the job of your main sex hormones, which are what make us able to be fertile and reproduce, is being passed from our ovaries to our adrenals. And our adrenals are our stress managers, and they're already busy. And so the state of your adrenals when this job starts to get passed really determines how you experience perimenopause. And I find that to be like perimenopause is really, it's a bit of a first world problem because we live in a society where we're high consumptive, high output going, hustling, all of these things, and we don't have that same time and space. So in other cultures where they have a calmer more still, I'd say lifestyle, we don't see perimenopause there the same way.
Amanda Testa (10:50):
And I think that's interesting because even the word says pause, right? It's such a huge initiation time, and we are in our culture, we're just not taught to give it the space and time it deserves, which I think is
Bria Gadd (11:05):
Key
(11:05):
A hundred percent. And so I think recognizing first that that's what's happening and that that's a big deal has got to go a long way for self-compassion. And then again, thinking, well, if the job is now going to be passed to the adrenals, it's like if you do work a corporate job and someone goes on mat leave or temporary leave, and all of a sudden no one new gets hired, but you've got to handle all the extra stuff. You can only handle it for so long before things start slipping through the cracks. We can only do so much
Amanda Testa (11:35):
As
Bria Gadd (11:35):
Humans. The struggle is that the stress, any added stress to our life, and this is a high stress time in midlife, you're raising young kids, you're dealing with aging parents, you have peaking careers, you're thinking about your future. There's a lot happening at this time. So already kind of maxed, and now this shift is happening and really it comes down so significantly to stress and the stress management in the body, and not just how you handle things, but also is the food you're eating creating stress? Are the workouts you're doing creating stress? Are you sleeping enough to focus on stress? All these pieces, are you having enough sex to reduce the stress? Are you as connected there? So that's the physiological aspect of what's happening in the body. There is a really brain shift that happens, which I think is what connects me so much to what you're doing because in this phase, the shifting landscape of our hormones really impacts our amygdala, our hippocampus in our brain, which are our memory encoders and our memory retrievers. And what that shifting does is it almost creates more space for us to be aware of past trauma, to be aware of things that we've suppressed, and also be aware of things that really are bothering us that maybe we got really good at, pretending didn't bother us for a while. So it's kind of this perfect storm of time to deal with it, right, or not. Yeah.
Amanda Testa (13:04):
Yeah, it's so true. I mean, I think I've heard this before and it's true. It's like oftentimes when after midlife or when you're finally, you're maybe, and I'm not in this position, I still have a young kiddo, but a lot of times also maybe you're becoming an empty nester and all this and that, but when you finally have time to put to yourself, oftentimes that's when people get sick or have health problems arise because they've been just stressing themselves out for so long and they haven't taken care of themselves.
Bria Gadd (13:32):
Yes. Because if you're in that high stress life, you've got the cortisol and adrenaline pumping through you, and so when you no longer need it and it calms down as it should, that's when the body can become a little bit more susceptible to sickness or burnout.
Amanda Testa (13:46):
And so I'm wondering too, because another thing that I know is a big common complaint around this time is feeling that dip and libido.
Bria Gadd (13:54):
And
Amanda Testa (13:54):
I would love your perspective on that from a hormonal perspective, if you
Bria Gadd (13:58):
Wish
Amanda Testa (13:58):
A little bit more about why it may not be what people think.
Bria Gadd (14:01):
Yes, absolutely. I hear this too, of course, I've been there myself, and I think when I started to talk to my clients about it, my first question is always like, well, is there a lubrication issue? So if it's a lubrication issue that is often indicative of, okay, our hormones are lessening. So in the process of the hormones going from ovaries to adrenals, we're having, we're going to have less of them because we don't need as many of them to ovulate, to menstruate anymore or to create life. So there is a reality to the fact that if we're feeling dry in life and we're not actually able to lubricate, then there's that piece. But that is where lubrication can come into play for people to buy it. If it's a drive, sometimes I am like, well, if you are alone, if you went on vacation, if you have time, is the drive there?
(14:49):
And more often than not, it is, it's really more the hustle and bustle and exhaustion of our day where libido is more of an energy issue. We just don't have the energy to create the space to even find desire. And this is a generalization, but women aren't built men. We can't have a stiff breeze blow past us and turn us on the same way. So we need that space to feel attractive or feel sensual or we need that, and if we don't have that space or energy. So I find nine times out of 10, it has a lot more to do with just the taxing and the stress on the system. Then it actually does with not having the hormones to have a libido. Does that make sense?
Amanda Testa (15:32):
Yes, it does because it's interesting too, because that you're saying with the drive, there's a lot of things that come into play there. Not everyone has that desire where it just pops up, the wind blows, and you're like, yay.
Bria Gadd (15:46):
Right. The response don't rushes back to you the wrong way. We're
Amanda Testa (15:49):
Very lucky. But most people have, they need to make the time and space, like you say, and put themselves in the mood. And especially I think as we age, like you're saying that stress relief is so key
Bria Gadd (16:01):
Because
Amanda Testa (16:02):
To be able to get into a mode of receptivity can be even more challenging.
Bria Gadd (16:08):
And I find perimenopause or the challenges in it is a real energy supply and demand situation because of this transition happening because of all that's going on in our life, our energy demand is really high in supply is low, and that's when we run into trouble with libido because it's like, well, there's just no space. This is not a critical function in our daily life. And yet it'd be interesting to hear your thoughts on this intimacy and sexual connection with oneself at least has got to be a key part of our health, of our overall fulfillment of life.
Amanda Testa (16:44):
I agree there. Of course, I'll say that because I believe our sexual wellness is overall part of our overall health and how our sexual function is very relative to our overall health and everything you're saying with things that can happen, you can have lower lubrication, the tissues can thin all of these things, but that still doesn't always affect your ability to
Bria Gadd (17:07):
Feel
Amanda Testa (17:07):
Turned on and to have great organisms that can continue. And I think that's something that we are not taught. We're not taught that it can still be great.
Bria Gadd (17:16):
Yeah, absolutely. It
Amanda Testa (17:17):
Goes away
Bria Gadd (17:18):
For years and years,
Amanda Testa (17:20):
So that's why I'm saying use it or you lose it. So you're even saying yes. What are the things that you, so I'm curious from your perspective, what are some things that we can do to support ourselves during this time so we can feel the way we want?
Bria Gadd (17:32):
Yeah, I love that. And I really look at this, there's almost like three phases of healing I like to call it when it comes to our hormones in this perimenopause transition. If you are struggling immensely with digestive issues or really irregular frustrating periods or anxiety or low mood or if it's debilitating what's happening in your life, you're in what I like to call the inflammation response. So all the stress, there's been too much stress, and really the path back is we first need to really reduce that inflammation and then we can shift into a healing and repair phase. So if you're just feeling stuck in a little lackluster, you might be there. And then finally, once we understand how to move with our cycle, that's kind of our third phase. It's like optimize your hormones, which will maximize your libido, maximize your energy, and all of these things.
(18:21):
But the first step for all of them is really just making sure you have a solid foundation of health. And it doesn't matter whether you listen to me or listen to anyone else in the health and wellness space. The reality is if you look at your health like a dining table with four legs, each leg kind of represents a key health pillar. We have rest and sleep, we have nutrition, we have functional movement, and we have pleasure. Yeah, pleasure. And within pleasure, within each pillar there's things, but how if you have one of these a little rickety and loose, it kind of becomes a frustrating dining experience. Someone sticks their elbow on the table and the dining you, you're affected by it, but you can manage if two of them are loose, I mean, you're down on the floor, you're folding up, you're Jimmy rigging this table, you're trying to make things happen, but it's frustrating and you probably leave feeling like that wasn't a great experience.
(19:13):
And if three are loose, your food's on the table. And the same goes for our health again, at any stage, at any age, but especially in perimenopause, we need to make sure at the very least in your day, you're sleeping or creating space for seven to nine hours of sleep. You're getting in 30 to 60 minutes of functional movement. So just walk when our bodies are so exhausted. Trying to do a hard workout is maybe not the ideal thing. So just walk, stretch, release, things like that. Having our nutrition to be anti-inflammatory 80% of the time, so trying to keep alcohol, sugar, processed flowers, things like that out of the diet for 80% and finding space for either pleasure or stress release to create space for pleasure. So those four steps really need to be a part of our foundational aspects of our health. Otherwise, your health's going to be on the floor and we really can't build anything on that foundation.
Amanda Testa (20:14):
I think that is so huge, and I love the way that you explain it so well, but those pillars, because I think that is so interesting to think about and I love too, you were mentioning
Bria Gadd (20:23):
The
Amanda Testa (20:23):
Sleep part is so key and the ease of movement. And I think that's an interesting thing to note because as you are always encouraging people to really listen to what their body's saying. And I remember, I don't know, about four years ago, I used to do a lot more intense athletic endeavors. I was a triathlete and I ran all the time. And then my body was just kind of like, I think we're done with this
Bria Gadd (20:44):
And
Amanda Testa (20:45):
I was still doing a lot of hit workouts and this and that. And then for some reason my body was like, let's just do yoga every day or let's just walk. And
Bria Gadd (20:54):
It
Amanda Testa (20:55):
Was just so interesting to feel that shift of what my body is, we're done, you're stressed out enough, we need to slow it down a little bit. And also in doing more weights, but just interesting how, I'm curious what other advice you have for women of ways they can do listen to those little nudges or be more honoring of what their stress release level.
Bria Gadd (21:18):
Yeah, I love that question. And I think what's always really important to understand is a tantruming child, if you have kids and your child's losing their mind over something and you don't know who hit who or what happened or what's going on, you kind of have to calm that right before you can actually get to the root of the issue. If you're dealing in inflammation, so in any of those symptoms I was talking, you almost can't even hear what your body, so the first, you have to sort of calm that piece down so we can start to hear these pieces. And when you start to notice, it's like, Hey, I'm tired. So often our joints hurt or we're tired, and yet we're still out there hitting the pavement on a long 10 K run or doing a HIIT workout. So really listening again and honoring that piece while you heal and recover. I think we're so scared that if we don't do this workout, we're going to gain weight, but really our body needs this rest. So any whisper that you hear in terms of joint pain or muscle stiffness or cravings in the afternoon or fatigue or dips in energy or digestive issues, or you're not even going to the bathroom every day, those are all whispers of our body. That's something bigger is going on and the sooner we listen, the faster we'll be able to fix it. Does that help?
Amanda Testa (22:38):
That does. I think that's so huge. And I'm wondering too, because I know when it comes to hormones, it's interesting. I do so appreciate how things have changed over the years. I was talking to my mom about this, I was like, do you remember going through menopause? And she's like, I don't know. That was so long ago. I blocked things up. She also, she's like, I don't know, they just put everyone on hormones back then. And so that's always the thing though, because for some people it can be helpful obviously. I'm curious your thoughts on hormones, Harmon replacement therapy, if you wouldn't mind speaking to that a little bit. People are always asking about that.
Bria Gadd (23:10):
Absolutely. I love this question and I think western medicine is miraculous. It does miracle things and it really should be our last resort because it's really designed to help us in the most necessary moments. So I don't think people should suffer. And I think that if you don't do the underlying work, it won't really matter what you take At the end of the day, it either won't work, won't work to its full potential, or it'll impact your body. If the reason you're suffering is because you need to heal these foundational pieces, this underlying, then taking the hormones really isn't going to help you at the end of the day. So I look at it very much just like if you needed to go on antidepressants, you really go on the antidepressants and you should be going to therapy to heal the, so we're not on antidepressants for the rest of our life. Same thing with H R T. If you need to go on it to bridge the gap, great, but do the underlying work. Otherwise you're never bridging the gap and you'll never reach the potential that you need. So you can't really avoid that foundational piece. And then if you do the foundational piece and you're suffering, yeah, take the hormones feel better.
Amanda Testa (24:20):
Yes. I love that so much. I know my doctor, I don't know, he was once saying it's a performance enhancing drug. Like anything you got to, just like you were saying, there's so many things at play, so it is kind of an individualized thing. That's what I so appreciate about people like you that really support on a one-to-one, like let's see what's going on with you so we can figure out what you need. And I think that's important to note too because I think sometimes there's just so much blanket information out there and I feel like the perimenopause time is very unique to each individual. I'm curious if you would speak to that a little bit.
Bria Gadd (24:52):
Yeah, absolutely. Like I was saying, I definitely find that the reduction of inflammation, what's causing the inflammation in your body or what's causing the taxing on your adrenals is going to be different from woman to woman. We can create an overall protocol that likely helps with that. But the individualized piece that I think is so important is once you calm that chaos, usually we look at the other areas of our life, like the connection with our partner, the connection we have with our career, the connection we have with our kids, these other areas of life that are big faucets can be potential faucets of stress. And that's where it gets really individualized, where you can't just write out a protocol to say, Hey, this is going to heal your life. Because ultimately once you deal with the chaos in your body, we still have to make sure we're turning off the faucets of stress in our life and managing them. And what I do know from my own experience is that when you calm the chaos, you kind of have nothing left. We often fixate as humans on small problems to avoid big ones. And midlife is a time where you're going to be faced with the reality of the things that you're are maybe not ideal for you in life. And you need to start to deal with those things. And that's where it gets unique. I think
Amanda Testa (26:13):
That is so true. It's like the reckoning time.
Bria Gadd (26:16):
It's the reckoning. That's a great word. The unraveling. I heard Brene Brown call. It's the midlife unraveling, and it's true. It's a time where it's like, and you want to unravel it now because we still have decades. We have decades, and you don't want to spend the rest of your life being raveled in a way. You don't want to be raveled, I guess.
Amanda Testa (26:38):
And I do want to speak to that a little bit. I don't think people talk enough about how it can be. And so just to normalize all that can come up,
(26:48):
It can be a very challenging time and it's very normal that you have all kinds of fluctuations in your mood. I mean in your mood. Something that I wasn't aware of that one of my friends mentioned is that oftentimes it's very common as well for people to have suicidal ideation and all kinds of things. I was not aware of that. That's a common thing. And so speaking to this to just know that if people are listening to the podcast and there's support for you, you don't have to suffer through these things. Also around you're saying is that reckoning, just the challenge of being with the changes was so hard. The challenge of looking at yourself as you are aging, the challenge of finding compassion and love for yourself when your body changes, all these
Bria Gadd (27:32):
Things.
Amanda Testa (27:33):
And so I just want to mention that too, because I think that's what could be so supportive of about getting help from an expert, right? To know you don't have to move through it alone. And so often when I'm in gatherings of I'm just turned 50 this summer, so when I'm in gatherings of friends and just the complaints and this that and the other, but there doesn't have to be like that,
Bria Gadd (27:53):
Right? No, you're right. That is one of the biggest mistakes we make and I have made and have to remind myself not to make, is to not get the support that you need, not ask for help, not invest in yourself because again, we have one wild and precious life, and midlife gives us the gift of no longer minimizing the things that are bothering us. So it's time, I think, to get the help that you need. It's time to take seriously the things that are bothering you and heal.
Amanda Testa (28:24):
I'm curious too, just from all the people that you've served over the years, what are some of the most favorite things that the women on the other side of this, what is on the other side that they have to look forward to? You could share a little more about that.
Bria Gadd (28:38):
Yeah, I think that a couple things. One, I think when you do the work and you work on healing, I think that you can untap energy and sleep quality and connection that you didn't even know were possible. And connection with sexuality for sure. I mean, this is a really powerful time for women when you do that healing, to open that up and on the other, I heard you call it, we were talking earlier about calling your menopause your second spring. And I just think that that term just kind of blew my mind because, because we are no longer primarily driven to reproduce, I mean that opens up a lot of space for us to be bold, be strong, be real, be confident, be creative in whatever way that is for you. That might be just being super present in the lives of the people around you, or that might be you creating massive success in a business somewhere and impacting lives. Whatever it is, it's available to you in perimenopause and beyond. Just do the work to create that space.
Amanda Testa (29:51):
Yeah, I love it. It's so true because I love that term. Second spring, we don't think about that, and I like to just give that to people that this is a really cool transition. This is an initiation, and any initiation, there's depths and darkness to it. But on the other side, there is expansion in that energy and freedom to do what you want.
Bria Gadd (30:14):
And I
Amanda Testa (30:15):
Like because like you're saying, we have long lives ahead of us.
Bria Gadd (30:18):
Whenever things get hard for me, I think about riding up a hill as a kid on a bike, there's that burn in your leg and you're like, oh, it's so hard. But then you get to the top and you have a view and you crest that thing and you just fly down on the winds in your hair and such a beautiful, delicious feeling. And this is what this is like. You're climbing a mountain right now. If you're struggling in perimenopause, it can feel like a mountain. So make sure you have the right equipment, make sure you bring some good friends along with you, make sure you appreciate the view along the way and take some breaks and know that the top is going to be epic and the downhill even more worth it.
Amanda Testa (31:00):
And I'm wondering too, when it comes to helping women connect to that feminine fire again, or if there's any additional tips you'd want to share around that, or maybe there's a different question that you wish that I would've asked that I didn't
Bria Gadd (31:11):
Ask. That's a good point. I think when it comes to our feminine fire, I just think we hit this point in our life right now where there's something inside of you. Anyone who's struggling knows there's something there that is, I don't want to say unresolved, but undiscovered, untapped. I think you can feel that in your gut, and I want to remind you, whatever that is, whether it's a sexuality thing or whatever that is for you, don't ignore it. This is the time to begin to explore that, get the help to explore that because you're intuition is very powerful. And I think part of the messaging we've muted is to ignore that. And I just don't think our gut and intuition is okay with being ignored.
Amanda Testa (32:02):
Yeah, we can't ignore it. Thank you so much.
Bria Gadd (32:05):
Yeah, thank you so much for having me.
Amanda Testa (32:08):
And I'm wondering too, where can everyone find more about you and also share about your podcast? That's amazing too. Share all the good things. Thank
Bria Gadd (32:16):
You so much. Yeah, so my podcast is called the Period Whisper podcast where we discuss all things perimenopause and so come check us out there anytime you can find me on Instagram athttps://www.instagram.com/bria_period_whisperer/. I have a daily hormone checklist that I just put together out there that if you are struggling with this area and you want a place to start, you can start there or you can come find me at briatheperiodwhisperer.com on my website. So come and check me out and talk. Let's reach out. I love talking to people.

Amanda Testa (32:47):
Thank you so much again, Bria. And also everyone listening, make sure to for sure check out her pod. It's so good. I am in this phase of my life as we speak too, so I love all the wisdom and just easy, digestible tips that you share. So thank you so much again for all you do.
Bria Gadd (33:03):
Thank you, Amanda, same to you. I love what you do and I appreciate so much being on here.
Amanda Testa (33:07):
And thank you all for listening. I'll also make sure to put all this info in the share notes as well, and we'll see you next time. Thank you for listening to the Find Your Feminine Fire Podcast. If you love this episode, please go ahead and forward it right now to someone who you know would love it. And if you've not yet had a chance to leave us a rave review on Apple Podcasts, please make sure to rate and review if you enjoyed the podcast, as well as make sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Thanks for listening, and we'll see you next week.

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

Over the last two decades, Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon has become one of today’s most trusted voices in the world of relationships, and her work on Relational Self-Awareness has reached millions of people around the world. 

Dr. Solomon is a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, and she is on faculty in the School of Education and Social Policy at Northwestern University where she teaches the internationally renowned course, Building Loving and Lasting Relationships: Marriage 101. 

In addition to writing articles and chapters for leading academic journals and books in the field of marriage and family, she is the author of two bestselling books, Loving Bravely and Taking Sexy Back. Dr. Solomon regularly presents to diverse groups that include the United States Military Academy at West Point and Microsoft, and she is frequently asked to talk about relationships with media outlets like The Today Show, O Magazine, The Atlantic, Vogue, and Scientific American.

Connect with Dr. Solomon and get her newest book, Love Every Day,365 Relational Self-Awareness Practices to Help Your Relationship Heal, Grow and Thrive HERE!

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Amanda Testa (00:02):
Hello and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire Podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a sex, love and relationship coach, and in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex, love, and relationships and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome.
(00:21):
Hey, what's up? It's Amanda. If you're enjoying this pod and you know are ready to say yes to more pleasure and you are just wanting to know, how the hell do I do it? Well, you are in luck because as of now we have spots available in the Pleasure Foundation, which is my pleasure membership, where twice a month you get an amazing practice that teaches you how to drop into your body to become more connected to yourself and to learn the art of sacred self-care. So if this is something you're interested in, go to amanda testa.com/tpf as in the pleasure foundation, amanda testa.com/tpf, and we will see you there if you want to enjoy deeper, more connected relationships, including the one with yourself.
(01:06):
If you're looking to discover simple ways to really help your relationship thrive, then you are really going to want to listen in to today's episode of the Find Your Feminine and Fire podcast. I'm your host, Amanda Testa, and today I'm thrilled to be talking with Dr. Alexandra Solomon. She's a relationship therapist, a teacher, an award-winning author, speaker, and a passionate believer in the life-changing power of love. She is a powerhouse in the field of relationships and her framework of relational self-awareness has helped support millions around the globe. So welcome, Dr. Alexandra. I'm so happy to have you here again.
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (01:37):
Thanks, Amanda. It's good to see you again. It's been a minute.
Amanda Testa (01:40):
Yes. I think the last time we spoke was three years ago when we were talking about sexual self-awareness with your book Taking Sexy Back and now you have an amazing new book coming out called Love Every Day, and I'm so excited to talk to you more about this and just what relational self-awareness is and thank you so much again for being here.
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (01:59):
Oh, you're welcome. Thank you so much for having me.
Amanda Testa (02:01):
Yeah, so I'm wondering just even before we dive in, what maybe is the inspiration that led you to write this book and what are you most excited about and putting it out here into the world?
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (02:12):
Yeah, so Love Every Day is my third book and it's really different than any other book I've created first of all, and you will appreciate this. It's like a really
(02:22):
Beautiful book. I know that for you, the aesthetics matter, the pleasure matters, all the sensory elements of life. I know that that's really central to you in the work that you do. And this is just a really beautiful book. It's a hard cover. The cover is gorgeous. There's a little blue bookmark to help a silky blue bookmark. So I think that it's just so delighted by how the book feels and looks because the book is hard. It's not an easy book and it's a year's worth of relational self-awareness support kind of micro doses and micro learning because one of the things that we know is that our healing journey is much more about the little stuff that we do or the little stuff that we no longer do, rather than the big declaration or the huge insight that changes everything. I think so often we crave that the one piece that falls into place and changes everything.
(03:21):
And I think that the reality is as somebody who's been a therapist for many years and a sort of person on my own healing journey for many years, I know that as my supervisor used to say, God is in the details, the little stuff, the little stuff that matters. And so love every day is 365 little quotes and stories and questions and prompts that you use on your own healing journey to understand yourself better and to show up a bit differently in your relationships. And primarily in the book it's about intimate relationships, but there's certainly overflow into relationship with friends and colleagues and kids that really is primarily a book about how to create healthy intimate partnerships.
Amanda Testa (04:05):
I love that so much and how those daily simple things, I mean they might not be simple, right? They're hard, they take time and you have to devote yourself to it. But I think that's the beauty of the little things that you do over time are what make the biggest change.
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (04:21):
And
Amanda Testa (04:22):
I think everybody, like you say, wants that super quick like, ah, everything's better, but that's not really how it works. And really when we're working on healing, our relationships are getting better. We really can only go as fast as the slowest part of us wants to go. So that's why I think coming in every day, and I had the lucky privilege of sneaking a peek at the book and it is gorgeous and just the prompts and just the deepening that if you take that time to do it, that's what makes the difference making the time to do it. And I'm curious if you could share a little bit more about the relational self-awareness framework just to give the listeners a better understanding of what that means.
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (04:58):
Right, right. Yeah. So relational self-awareness is basically my framework, which I stand on the shoulders of giants. I have been well-trained and have been deeply immersed in the research of relationships and the clinical wisdom that therapists over many, many decades have been honing. So I certainly exist in this matrix of the people who've come before me and all of that. So relational self-awareness is my way of sort of pulling together what feels most essential. So I've spent decades as a professor and a therapist and somebody who's really passionate about translating what lives in academia, what lives behind therapist doors and making sure that we all have access to it. It's that translational stuff that I love. So relational self-awareness is just processes by which we come to understand ourselves more deeply and therefore can show up with a bit more patience, a bit more expansiveness, a bit more curiosity for our relationships.
(06:02):
And so it's like this intimate journey we take on the inside, but it's ever, it's not naval gazy, it's not mental masturbation, it's not understanding what my parents did to me for the sake of understanding it. It really is about really gentle ownership of our journey so that we can continue our own process, especially, I don't know for you, but I know for me in my intimate partnership, it's very easy for me to put my annoyances with my husband at his feet. It's very easy for me to identify. If he wouldn't have said that, then I wouldn't have gotten mad. That's the easy road. And so this book is again and again, okay, what if you take a breath and look at what is going on inside of you as well? It's not about excusing our partners thoughtless behavior, but it's about really, really keeping ourselves in the ring, in the gentlest possible ways. We're not beating ourselves up, but we are continuing to commit to, okay, what's my part? What's my piece?
Amanda Testa (07:03):
I think that's an interesting point to note because it's so easy, like you say, to be like, well, of course it's all their fault. They would just be like this.
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (07:12):
Right? Nine out of 10 people would agree that that was a dick move.
Amanda Testa (07:18):
You know what? It's interesting. Can I share a little one little thing that I read from the book?
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (07:22):
Please do.
Amanda Testa (07:23):
So I loved it because I was looking for looking through and I loved how there's one for every day, so I love how making it a daily practice is so important, but one of the things that I thought was so powerful is just these little reminders. One of the prompts that I read was around when you add a but to things, right. Can you talk a little bit about that if you don't mind?
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (07:42):
I mean we like butts with two T's, but buts with one t, that's the but stuff. It is not good. The one T B U T. Yeah. I mean it is, I think as a couple's therapist, I certainly have trained my brain to listen for when one of the partners in my couple uses the "but" word, but because it is just deadly. It's just a conversation ender, and I think I'd be hard pressed to find a sentence where an and doesn't serve us better than a, but because basically what it does think about, Amanda, you tell me that I've hurt your feelings and I say, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, but you should understand that I was really tired or I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, but you've been awfully sensitive these days. But basically negates the apology and when you, my friend Tery Real describes it this way, when you let me know that I have hurt your feelings, my best and bravest move is to imagine myself as a customer service window.
(08:49):
You have just approached the customer service window. You have an issue, you have a matter to bring before me, and in that moment, all I am, because I care about you and I care about us, all I am is a customer service window. I am just there to understand your hurt. Even if parts of me are like, you've got to be freaking kidding me, she's so sensitive. She did the same thing last week. I wouldn't be mad at her if she did that to me. I may have all of that going on inside of me, and for this moment, if you are troubled, the only job on earth I have is just to hear you back, just to feed it back to you. Now, I may need to say to you, Amanda, my love, at a separate time, I need you to stand over here next to me and come and look at this other part of it, but I'm never going to be able to enlist your openness to looking at something bigger, your part of it. I'm never going to get you on my team until, and unless I'm able to say to you, Amanda, if your feelings are hurt, I own it. I want to understand it, I want to repair it. So that, but just keeps us from even being able to enter the whole arena of something more interesting and more healing.
Amanda Testa (10:09):
So powerful. This is the keys, these little teeny things that are so key, right? Yeah,
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (10:16):
That's right. It's like a
Amanda Testa (10:17):
One little thing to be aware of, but I mean it has a huge, huge implication or what's the word I'm looking for? It has a huge ripple effect when you can be aware and really slow down.
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (10:30):
Yeah, that's literally a little one, right? That's a literal three letter word that if we could, I mean a listener could challenge themselves today and they could challenge themselves and their partner. Let's try for a week to not use the word and see what happens. Just see, because if you've banned that word, you are setting yourself up to have to be a bit different to language, something different, and language matters, words matter, and it shifts the whole tone of the conversation. If you don't have that crutch available, sure, you may still get defensive, you may still get shut down, but you're cutting yourself off from that pathway to disconnection.
Amanda Testa (11:07):
One of the things that you mentioned a few moments ago was talking about being on the same team, and I'm curious when it comes to approaching challenges around your relationship or your intimacy, how can you build that team approach
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (11:20):
So it's so essential and it's not at all easy. I think for some of, I was thinking about just a recent conflict that my husband and I, we've been married for 25 years and we're in a season of massive transition. I just turned 50, he's about to turn 50. We just sent our little baby girl off to college, so we're getting used to this empty nest, and there was just kind a growing tension. You know how it's not conflict, but it's also not ease. It's somewhere in the middle of just sort of clipped tones and I could feel myself slipping out of teamwork. It was no longer we are empty nesters. It was, I am an empty nester and he doesn't understand my experience. I was really slipping away from it and I was really wrapping myself up in this blankie that is kind of cozy, but also super lonely around nobody understands what I'm going through, and we just kind of hit a breaking point, and the breaking point was something silly.
(12:24):
He said something that I thought was hurtful. He did not mean to hurt my feelings, but it was like the dam broke. It was like that was enough, and in the conversation, it was in the beginning of the conversation, he was the one who had his head a little bit above water and was basically pleading the case for teamwork. We're in this together. I'm having feelings too. This is a process that we're both, we are having different experiences. He's holding a bit more of the excitement and the space and the pride, and I'm holding more the grief and the loss and the sadness, and so we were getting sort of polarized around that, and so his use of language around, we are having different experiences and we're in this together. It was like I could feel myself pulling that blanket off, stepping back into like, oh, right, I'm not alone in this and being alone with big feelings.
(13:18):
That was how I spent the first 18 years of my life. I know I know how to do that. I know how to hunker down, get or done, find my way through something, and I don't have to do that anymore and as much work as I've done, it's certainly helpful in a moment like that to have somebody be able to say, we have somebody be able to say, we are different and we're in it together, and I want to understand your experience, and by the way, I would like you to maybe take a moment to look out from under your blanket and get a little curious about my experience. I wasn't doing that right. I was so wrapped in my, anyway, so the teamwork really is no matter the challenge that you and your partner are facing, there is a world where the two of you are looking at this problem together, but you can't get there as long as you're A invested in your pain. B, not curious about their pain, C, sure, it's all your fault or all their fault. Those are the things that kind of keep us from getting that team approach, but there's always a path whereas, okay, what are we going to do about this problem that is before us?
Amanda Testa (14:24):
I'm curious too because I know I hear this a lot from clients, or not all the time, but a lot of times there's maybe one partner who feels like they do a lot of the repair or they are able to get in there and smooth things over, and then sometimes they feel present resentful about that, or why do I always have to be the one to apologize, or why do I always have to be the one to calm things down? And I'm curious what you can say to that.
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (14:48):
Yeah. Yep. It's such a, first of all, I have not yet shared that story, so you're getting me to open up. You owe me an apology for getting all vulnerable on your show.
Amanda Testa (15:01):
Well, I just don't want to name too all that. That's a huge amount of transition and I will just share too. I recently turned 50. You did? I did in July, and it's crazy because I wasn't expecting it to be such a big, I mean, we're still very young, but it's a huge, a lot that comes up that I was not expecting, and on top of that, then your child's going away to school, and that's a whole nother level.
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (15:26):
So
Amanda Testa (15:26):
All the things, it's a lot to hold. And then I don't know about you, but I also experiencing perimenopause and symptoms on top of everything else and
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (15:34):
Holding it all. Yeah, this is a big divine. It's a time
Amanda Testa (15:40):
Just to witness and acknowledge what you're saying. It's hard.
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (15:43):
Well, yeah, when there's so much internal reorganization and internal shift to stay, how do you stay connected through that? Right. Pat and I are both turning 50, but 50 for me and 50 for him mean different things feel a bit different. The added layer of menopause, which I'm so excited that I think we're entering an era where we're like, fuck the, can I swear in your show?
Amanda Testa (16:07):
Oh, yes, everything's welcome.
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (16:08):
Fuck the shame about menopause. That's really brand new. What's going to happen if the ladies of the world stop feeling ashamed and quiet about menopause? Look out, because we're about to unleash some powerhouse women who have no acts left to give if we stop feeling ashamed or silent about what this transition means. Right. 50 is, I know that's a whole nother conversation, right? Amanda is like, what does 50 mean to you? What does it mean to me? Yeah. It's definitely, it's confusing. I feel in some ways, more wise, more beautiful, more alive than I ever had, even as this number is just scary and weird. Yeah.
Amanda Testa (16:55):
Well, it's interesting. I mean, you earlier were talking about how your husband was like, well, we're in this together. But also like you mentioned too, when we are aging, it's different in our culture, specifically here in the US in a patriarchal culture where it's different if you're identify as a man or a woman as you age.
(17:13):
I mean, that's the thing. And then I find myself, sometimes I have to catch myself. I find myself getting mad. It's not my husband's fault that he still looks amazing at 60, and that's like a silver fox kin, right? But then the women who are old and gorgeous, they don't get that same type of acknowledgement, and it's frustrating sometimes. So just I will name that. I can feel that sometimes. It's interesting how it has nothing to do with him. It's me and I have to be like, oh, okay. This is what our culture has taught us, and it's understandable that there might be a different experience as you move through the aging process In different bodies.
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (17:48):
In different bodies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. It's not his fault. How can he celebrate the affirmation that he receives, the way he feels in your body and celebrate you? How can he subvert the narratives that have been downloaded inside of his brain about you and your aging process? What a privilege that is for him to be an ally to you reminding you of your beauty, of your vitality. That's such a privilege to get to do that. But that's subversive, that's subverting the dominant paradigm, which is that right? We are becoming objectively less desirable.
Amanda Testa (18:30):
That's the dominant narrative. I do love that he does a good job of that, but that's something that comes up too. So I mean, all that
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (18:37):
Context
Amanda Testa (18:38):
Shapes everything, right?
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (18:39):
Yeah. Wait, you would just ask a really good question about getting back on the same
Amanda Testa (18:45):
Page and when you want to give back on the same team, but how sometimes it feels maybe tiring or the person who's always feels like they're the ones that repair first or that, and I think that there's a gift to that if you can view it that way. But I'm curious what your thoughts are in that kind of dynamic where maybe one person is always feeling like I always have to be the one to prepare, and I'm tired of always being the one to calm things, whatever it might be. Right?
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (19:08):
I know, and I think probably I'm guessing based on your show and your listeners and just the way that the world is, I think it often in a heterosexual couple, it's her. I just read a really cool research article or academic article where this philosophy professor at Pomona College calls that hermeneutic labor. We talk a lot about invisible labor and domestic labor and emotional labor. So hermeneutic labor is the labor of smoothing things over, basically recognizing what's happening inside of me, what's happening inside of my partner, what are the words that I can use to invite my partner to self-reflect? Because if my partner self-reflect, maybe they can move from defensiveness to openness, which is good for them, but also good for me. But that's a kind of labor and that's what you're speaking to is, and so I think by calling it hermaneutic labor, we're making it real.
(20:01):
It's a real thing. It's a real thing, and it's real that in heterosexual couples, except for my, I think Todd is much more the smoother over than I am ironically, but there is that there does tend to be one partner who has got their nose a bit more above the waterline and can reach out more easily, repair more easily, and that's because their body recovers more easily. They don't layer shame on top of upset. They have done more therapy than that. Whatever the reason is, they're more available. And so I think there's a million differences in a couple, and so if that's a difference, I think the healthiest way to view that is this is a difference. This is one of the things that I do to make this relationship click along, and it helps me when I remember that there's also a whole bunch of things that my partner does that helps the relationship click along.
(20:56):
Like, yes, I do the hermeneutic labor, but whatever, take care of this or take care of this, or I never have to question their loyalty or whatever. It is really remembering that yes, you do do this part of the relational work, but they also do work in other domains. That's helpful. It's also helpful if the partner who's not doing the hermeneutic labor, if that partner can just say thank you. Thank you for initiating that repair because we got through it. Thank you for being willing to apologize because that really broke the ice. Thank you for suggesting we go for a walk, because that was really helpful. So I think that helps. I think that minimizes the chances of resentment, and I think that can be what might block that is that the other person feels ashamed. I feel ashamed that my partner had to once again, drag me out of my hole, get me out of my own way. So shame can block that, but if that person can just challenge the shame and just say, thank you. I saw what you did. I saw that you initiated the repair and that was really good for us. I think that helps too.
Amanda Testa (22:05):
Shame that you mentioned is a big thing too, because when it comes up, however it does, it can get in the way of making steps to make your relationship better. Or a lot of times people will say, well, I would love to do more things, but my partner's maybe not as open, or they'll have their feelings hurt if I suggest this
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (22:28):
Because
Amanda Testa (22:28):
It's a lot too around, well, if I need help then there's something wrong with me, or
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (22:33):
I've
Amanda Testa (22:33):
Done something bad or I'm wrong, or, which really, I feel like we just have never learned relational tools. We've never really had the opportunity to learn them and just making it normal that we need to learn what we never learned.
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (22:46):
There's nothing
Amanda Testa (22:47):
Wrong with us. We just didn't have the most people out there did not get great relational skills, right?
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (22:54):
Nope. You got what you saw in your house growing up. That's what you got. Maybe you had sex ed in school, but it probably wasn't very good and it certainly wasn't relationship ed. So yeah, I mean it's so exciting about this moment. I think that, I mean, I see it with my college students. I've been teaching at a university for over 20 years, and I teach marriage 1 0 1. It's a relationship class. My college students come in, they come in with relational tools. They know their attachment style, they know their love languages. They know their family of origin wounds. They know, and that's because of a TikTok, and B, the fact that most of them have been in therapy and see the fact that their parents have been in therapy. We've got now Gen X is raising Gen Z and we're making these progress. I see the progress. It's a really, I think, exciting and hopeful time around what young people are capable of relationally that certainly you and I, when we were growing up, we had Dr. Ruth, we had Judy Bloom, but I didn't have parents in therapy or parents that were talking about this stuff.
Amanda Testa (24:08):
She just couldn't Google answers or watch TikTok and figure out, all right, maybe I should try this. Right. So there are some benefits to the information that's out there for people.
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (24:18):
That's right. That's right.
Amanda Testa (24:19):
So I love that. I'm curious too, when it comes to seeking support or what are the things, if someone is super excited to get the Love Everyday book and wants to invite their partner in or how, I mean of course doing it on your own is so powerful. Maybe we can even speak to that, why doing it on your own is very important, but if you wanted to maybe invite in your partner for some of the practices or if they would be willing, I'm curious, how might you approach that?
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (24:44):
I think it's one of the things I like most about the book is that I think couples therapy can feel, I mean, I am here for couples therapy. I love it. I believe in it. The science backs it up. It is an incredibly powerful tool, just a marriage, a long-term relationship. It's a heavy fricking thing. And so to have somebody carrying it with you is just incredibly helpful. It's such a sign of strength. It's a sign of courage. It's a reflection of investment, and it is oftentimes a bridge too far for a partner who doesn't have those relational tools, who is afraid of getting blamed, which is not, if you've got a couple's therapist who is blaming one partner, you've got the wrong couple's therapist because that's not what couple's therapy ought to be about. The couple's therapist is not the judge. They're not the referee.
(25:30):
But if there's a partner who's just not there yet, I think something like the Love Everyday book, something like a podcast episode, those can be really gentle steps into the baby pool, the kind of going slowly rather than if it feels like couple's therapy is diving into the deep end, then there's little steps. And I think that it probably is unrealistic to say, let's every single day read the entry, do the prompts. And it doesn't have to be that. It doesn't have to be perfection or nothing, but I think that if one person is loving it, and for them it's a really beautiful restorative way to start their day or end their day, then maybe once a week they choose whatever entry that week really spoke to them and they say to their partner, Hey, could I read this to you or will you read it to me?
(26:17):
Or could we work on it together? So even if it's just a weekly and the partner who's the kind of relational self-awareness nerdy partner is like, okay, what if once a week I choose an entry and we take a look at it together? So I think that's ways that I want couples to be really permission giving about it and creative and not saying to themselves and each other, unless we do it every single, we're doomed. It can just be the kind of thing that you pick up and use as just a little conversation starter. And then to your other part of your question, I think that you're right that even if the partner won't changing, one part of the system changes the system. So if you're doing the work of the book, you're showing up differently. You are using different language and and your partner therefore can't keep doing what they were doing. So you change the dance by changing your own moves. So it's still powerful, but I know that there's a kind of loneliness that comes when you're the only person in a relationship who is curious about introspection, who's curious about taking conversations a bit deeper. I know there's a loneliness that comes with that.
Amanda Testa (27:27):
I think it's interesting too, as you mentioned too, as we transition in life and as things shift in relationships, I mean it's normal for them to differ and to change and to grow,
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (27:37):
And
Amanda Testa (27:37):
It can be really easy in certain seasons, maybe to put your relationship on the back burner, especially if
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (27:43):
You maybe
Amanda Testa (27:43):
Have small children or you're going through something. There's times where you might find that you're not paying attention to it, which sometimes that has to happen. But also there's ways to stay connected even during those times. So I'm curious for you maybe seeing that in your practice or working with couples that have this kind of experience where they want to come back to it, but it also feels kind of clunky,
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (28:08):
Right?
Amanda Testa (28:08):
Because they haven't been connecting and they want to come back to it. So maybe how might this book or just how might there be a bridge to come back together when it feels like there's been a season of disconnect?
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (28:20):
Yeah, I know that's a big theme that you work on in your show, isn't it? About how do we find our way back? And I think that is, I think, right? I mean, the way you've set up, the way you've set up the question holds houses the answer because part of it is just saying out loud, we've kind of drifted. We've drifted because I had a health crisis, or you had a work chapter, or I lost my mom, or you lost your job, whatever, just saying out loud that thing happened. No blame, no shame, no judgment, and there's relational fallout no matter what. As much as we wish. I know the thing that I hear, I know that we wish that one person I've seen over and over again, a partner who wish like hell, their health crisis did not affect their partner, that it actually breaks their entire heart that they can see the upheaval, I know I've seen makes me want to cry.
(29:23):
How much partners are like, don't look over here, don't look at me. I don't want this to affect you. I would like to turn away, figure myself out, get better, get a new job, dah, dah, dah, and then come back to you shiny and brand new. And that is just not how long-term relationships work. Your partner has a front row fricking seat, and so rather than fighting that, just figuring out how do you work with that? I see you. I see you without your job. I see you without your health. I see it. I see it, and it affects me and it's okay, and we're figuring it out. That's the only way to go through it, and I think it's so hard. I think it's really, really, it's hard, but there's such a crux there, and as a couple can just get to that point, then a whole new set of possibilities opens up right? Then. It's really pretty infinite what opens up from there, but a couple can't get there as long as one person is hell bent on saying, no, no, no, no, I'm going through a thing. It cannot affect you. It doesn't affect you. It should not affect you. Look away.
Amanda Testa (30:29):
That's powerful. I think it is. It's just that vulnerability to step up and just say, it's hard. No one wants to do it, but it's so worth it. On the other side, I think that's one of the things that I just want to try to encourage people is, oh, it's so hard to make that step. It's always worth it on the other side often because one way or another, there's going to be some movement, and oftentimes that's what the fear is. Maybe it's like, well, if I say something, what if they don't want to? Or what if whatever happens? It's like you have to show up for it,
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (30:57):
Which
Amanda Testa (30:58):
Is not always, and maybe that's not the time. Maybe there is a time where you're like, I don't have the bandwidth to deal with this right now, so let me readdress this in a month or two or whatever
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (31:05):
It,
Amanda Testa (31:06):
But I think even doing the little practices, I know, I mean, obviously I'm a relationship coach and a sex coach, so my husband is subject to many things, but he might not always be your
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (31:17):
Lab rat.
Amanda Testa (31:19):
He's here for it, and he always says, he's like, I might be super resistant at first, but on the other side, I always appreciate it.
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (31:25):
It does.
Amanda Testa (31:26):
It always brings us closer, or it always helps in some way us to be on the same page again.
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (31:31):
Well, again though, there again, it's rather than him getting ashamed of his resistance or you getting angry at his resistance, I can imagine that your shoulders just drop right down the moment that he can say to you, I know I'm resistant and I know that it's good for me and I know it's good for us. You know what I mean? Just that acknowledgement, his resistance does not mean he's a terrible person or a terrible husband. His resistance just means that he listened. He was socialized with a boy and socialize with a man, and he was taught that the feelings of the business of girls and blah, blah, blah. He is a well socialized man, and so that resistance just comes with the territory. But I imagine for you, there's a relief when he says, I know I drag my heels sometimes that there's a relief for you because it's like, oh, good, you're doing it. Therefore it helps me not build up resentment that sometimes I got to drag you a little bit.
Amanda Testa (32:24):
Yes. That's making me think just of one more thing, because especially in long-term relationships, when you've been enmeshed for a really long time, and maybe you have been through chapters of challenge or whatnot, but coming back to yourself, finding you are in the relationship and loving someone else, what advice would you have around that? Really being able to be in a relationship, love someone, but also not lose yourself in that remembering who you are in all of it.
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (32:52):
I think in part it is. I think in part it's not seeing yourself as a fixed identity like I am X or I am Y. So really relating to yourself with that curiosity of we were saying before, but okay, so I actually don't even know who I am at 50. What does that? Who am I at 50? What am I about at 50? What are my priorities? What are my interests? What am I no longer available for at 50? So if I can keep that curiosity with myself, then I keep finding my own touch points, and then I can keep kind of transmitting what I know to my husband. So I think that's part of it too, is letting ourselves be evolving and transitioning and being curious about that rather than sometimes I think it's like uhoh evolving. That means I can no longer be in this marriage.
(33:47):
I can't be in these clothes, I can't be in this house. Everything I've done is wrong. I think sometimes, I think sometimes we scare ourselves. We take ourselves right down to the nub and we think if I'm changing, if I'm evolving, if I'm growing, every choice I've ever made has got to be wrong. No, you are just thanking all of those versions of you for getting you to this version of you. You don't have to unravel everything, but you might need to say to your partner, so I'm now really into this and I'm going to be devoting a lot of my energy towards this, and how's it going to affect us, and what do you think of that? And does it kick up some fear in you? What's the fear? Et cetera, et cetera.
Amanda Testa (34:26):
The communication piece, and it also comes back to the self-awareness. What do you want and what do you need and what are
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (34:35):
Totally, yeah, and what's lighting you up now? Because when we got married, whatever X number of years ago, some different things might've been lighting you up. Okay, so what are you about now? So it's like right, getting to know ourselves and getting to know our partners because they're also changing.
Amanda Testa (34:52):
I think it can be refreshing at that same time though, right? If you can change your perspective of maybe there's some fear that things would change, but it can be refreshing
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (35:01):
To have
Amanda Testa (35:03):
Some new energy and some new interests and things that make you feel good, because when you're feeling good, then of course
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (35:09):
You're
Amanda Testa (35:10):
More fun to be around and you're interesting and you enjoy yourself, right? It can be monotonous when you stay in monotony, but even just taking care of yourself and remembering what do I like to do?
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (35:21):
Because
Amanda Testa (35:21):
Oftentimes people forget. I think that's the other beautiful thing of taking that time just to tune into yourself and what you want and all that.
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (35:32):
One of the first things I did when we became empty nesters is I signed up for a dance class and I could have danced the entire time when the kids were really little. I danced, and then I really moved away from it as my work got bigger and the kids were adolescents. And so I think maybe the day after we dropped our daughter off, I signed up for a cardio funk class on Monday evenings, and I went the first time and I basically had tears in my eyes the whole time and a huge smile on my face, and I was like, oh, here. I'm, it's just such a reclamation of a really core part of me that actually has been pretty core throughout my life is sort of the place of dance. And I know as you're saying, I came home with some more energy, some more pep in my step for our relationship because I'm doing something that really lights me up.
Amanda Testa (36:29):
Well, I just so appreciate all the wisdom that you've shared, Alexandra, thank you so much. And I'm wondering too, maybe if there was a question that I didn't ask that you really wished I would've asked or anything else that you want to share?
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (36:40):
No, it was a fun, it was a really fun, you're a wonderful conversation partner. I remember how much I enjoyed our first conversation, so I was very, very happy. Have a chance to be with you again. So thank you so much for making the space to talk about all of this together.
Amanda Testa (36:56):
Yes, I so appreciate it, and I love the simple things. I'm so excited for your book because I've also received a lot of benefit from it just as I get to sneak peek, and I am excited to keep going through it.
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (37:08):
And
Amanda Testa (37:09):
Like you say, it doesn't have to be perfection, but when I can get in there and do the work and look at it, it's just going to keep enhancing things. So
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (37:17):
I thank
Amanda Testa (37:17):
You for that. You're welcome. Thank you. I'd love as well if you would just share with everyone how they can connect with you and find more about you and your book and all the amazing work that you do.
Dr. Alexandra Solomon (37:28):
Sure. The best way is my website, which is dralexandrasolomon.com, and there you can find all the links to my social media, including my Instagram, which is a large, this book is a sort of solidification of my Instagram feed, taking a lot of the content I've been creating and refining there and putting it into this format where you can really touch it and hold it, and it doesn't disappear off your screen after two seconds the way that an Instagram feed does. So the website is a great place to find social media links, links to the book. All three books are available wherever books are sold and love every day. Of course, we love it when folks go to bookshop.org because then you're supporting your local independent bookseller, and there's tons of stuff there. There's blogs, there's a weekly podcast called Re-Imagining Love. There are e-course. So if you've got an inkling, there's plenty of content, there's no shortage of content in places that you can go and explore and learn more about this whole world of relationships.
Amanda Testa (38:30):
Beautiful. Well, thank you so much again, and I'll make sure to put that in the show notes as well. And thank you all for listening, and please do make that little step to do something, some little thing every day for you, for your relationship. Thank you. Thanks, Amanda. We'll see you all next week. Thank you for listening to the Find Your Feminine Fire Podcast. If you love this episode, please go ahead and forward it right now to someone who would love it. And if you've not yet had a chance to leave us a rave review on Apple Podcasts, please make sure to rate and review if you enjoyed the podcast, as well as make sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Thanks for listening, and we'll see you next week.

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Amanda Testa is a trusted healer, coach, and guide who’s served hundreds of clients over the years with masterful skills in coaching, pleasure embodiment, and somatic trauma resolution.

Her clients tenderly heal their relationship with their sexuality, shamelessly embrace pleasure, own their sexy confidence, and cultivate deeply connected relationships with her fiercely loving support.

When she’s not leading transformative sessions, you can find her snuggling her spunky 10 year old, flirting with her sexy hubs, playing in nature, enjoying live music, and having epic conversations about sex with fellow experts on her Find Your Feminine Fire podcast.

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Amanda Testa [00:00:01]:

Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa I am a sex love and relationship coach, and in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex, love, and relationships, and everything that light you up from the inside out. Welcome. Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast.

Amanda Testa [00:00:23]:

This is your host, Amanda Testa. And today, I am diving into 3 ways to feel your desire coming back, feel connected to your sensual spark, I know this time of year, right now, as I record this episode, it is September 7th 2023. And this time of year, I love... because I am one of those people that always load back to school. I love that feeling of getting my new pencils, and my new notebooks and my new trapper keeper. I loved it. And so there's that sense of potential with a new year. And as a mom, I've reclaimed that my year is September to August. Okay? It's not January. January is great, but let's be honest. Things shift. The year for me is September to August. And I love it, because I think it just helps me to feel more in control of the reality of life as mom because during the summer, it's challenging

Amanda Testa [00:01:21]:

to get everything done. I'm like, Holding on by a thread

Amanda Testa [00:01:25]:

And I've noticed that I have just really disconnected from so many of the practices that sustain me. So many of the things that I do to make me feel good. Granted, we've had a great summer. There's been a lot of fun things, but I'm excited to get back into a routine. Anybody out of there with me, but it's excited to get back into a routine. It reminds me of one of the archetypes I love to work with from the rebloom body of work by Rachel Maddox. I'm a certified Rebum coach among other things, but what I really love about this model is you know, when you think about an archetype, it becomes easy to kind of connect to that. Right? Sometimes it can feel hard for ourselves to believe what we're capable. Because we're capable of a lot. And we can when we connect to an archetype, it can help us to remind us of what we're capable of. Right? So I love to architect of the groundskeeper is all around vitality, empowered safety. So what does this mean? You devote to regular care for your health Wellness and thriving. The groundskeeper, if you think about it, if you think about a garden, the groundskeeper is the one who walks around, weeding and watering, you know, making sure everything is getting the right amount of sun, moving things around as they need to be moved around. And so I love connecting to this at these times of year, where, you know, you wanna get new routines in place. So thinking about devoting regular care for your health, wellness, and thriving, you prioritize your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being. You keep yourself at safe distances from unsafe behavior, situations, locations, and people. You remove what is diminishing your health, and you plant miracles that heal on all levels. So you have vitality that empowers you to share who you are fully to really embody your medicine to create more peace and prosperity in your life. And I think this time of year, I love connecting to the Groundskeeper archetype.

Amanda Testa [00:03:17]:

Now let's face it. There's some ways that life can leave imprints on this health.

Amanda Testa [00:03:24]:

Right? We we all have that ability to connect to that archetype of the groundskeeper, but it can be challenging based on our life experiences. Right? And and so when we think about our life experiences that cause harm to that blueprint, it enables, you know, it makes it hard for the blueprint to shine. It makes it hard to do those things. Right? So these things that can show up are addictions, numbing. I know in the summertime, I will just name that I have had a little too much fun in some areas. And I have not been caring for myself the way I normally do, and I can find myself, like, when I get into this into that -- pattern of, like, numbing out. It's important for me to pause and recommit to finding my own health, finding the

Amanda Testa [00:04:06]:

the help of my groundskeeper and bringing that back online because we're human. Right? We're gonna ebb and flow, and we're never gonna be perfect, but more often than not, if we can make the choices that serve us, and support us if more often than not, if we can create the rituals and routines that do contribute to our overall vitality, Then we're doing the right things. Right? So the other thing that can happen is we can also tend to cling to environments or relationship people or jobs, for instance, of security, even if they're not aligned. So that can be something that can show up as well, kind of in the hypo response of the groundskeeper. So ways it shows up that are kind of like, oh, feeling shut down. Right?

Amanda Testa [00:04:46]:

I'm just gonna numb out. It's gonna bypass

Amanda Testa [00:04:49]:

all the things that are bothering me. I am going to, you know, and it also can stem go even further into, you know, even depression or chronic illness. So we want to be aware and not judge ourselves. Heck, no. We're not judging ourselves here. We're bringing compassion and understanding like, wow. What I've been through in life has been challenging, and these are some of the ways That idea with it, also kind of re trying to help our self remember that we can make different choices that support us, and we can smart and start in small doable ways. Right? Some of the the other side of this coin is when we kind of respond from a hyper place, like a over response, so to speak, -- would be outburst. Right? Like, maybe you have outburst of anger or aggression or frustration, extreme highs and lows. You could feel You know, again, addiction can show up here as well, but feeling like this need for speed and, like, moving towards chaos and maybe even cycles of externalized violence. And this is the way that shows up, right, when we are kind of just find ourselves with that anger, frustration. And it's interesting because in a lot of ways, I can go to both streams here. Right?

Amanda Testa [00:05:51]:

I can also have those outbursts,

Amanda Testa [00:05:53]:

and I know for myself as a busy mom juggling tons of things. That when I find myself having the outburst, it's another reminder that, okay.

Amanda Testa [00:06:02]:

This, like, for example, this morning,

Amanda Testa [00:06:04]:

I was I I went to put something in the bathroom, and I stubbed my toe. And I was

Amanda Testa [00:06:08]:

like, all

Amanda Testa [00:06:09]:

these explosive, cuss words came out of my mouth. I was like, okay. Well, that's not really. That's not how I normally want to be, and it's okay that that happens. Right? I know my history. These things are gonna happen. But usually, it's because I'm not taking care of myself in the way that I need to. And we can all fall into this.

Amanda Testa [00:06:27]:

And so I love this time of year because to me, it's like a fresh start. It's a fresh start.

Amanda Testa [00:06:32]:

So even as we just listen to this, if you're listening to the podcast, no matter where you are, maybe just take a moment and just, take a deep breath, maybe give yourself shake. Maybe if it feels good, maybe just tap your body a little bit or just hold. You're give yourself a hug if you're not driving and you can. Just so connect with yourself a little bit and just honoring where you are. Right. We are, again, we're not judging ourselves. We're just honoring where we are, and we can make little commitments that we will tend to our self a little more carefully. Right? You can tend to yourself. You can do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Right? And I think this is such a such a beautiful archetype. And so what are some of the ways that you can do this? Because when it comes to reconnecting to our turn on to our desire, to wanting, to want to have sex, to wanting to, like, be in that aspect of ourselves, there has to be some foundations of health. Right? I mean, to be honest with you, there are certain times in life where we're not gonna be feeling that. And it's sometimes we just gotta ride the waves of the seasons. We gotta ride the waves of the seasons. But I wanna share with you three ways that you can connect to your turn on and feel that desire again.

Amanda Testa [00:07:35]:

And the first thing is This is something that I do

Amanda Testa [00:07:38]:

on a regular basis because this is not to be understated. It's a simple practice, but it is so powerful when you actually do it. Right? That's the key. Like, listening, reading books, listening to podcasts are all amazing, but you also sometimes have to actually DO the things that you're learning, which Hello. You know, we all we we do get some good information through the transmission of audio. So I do love a podcast for that, but also taking the time to actually do the practice I'm gonna invite you. This first practice, I want you to make the time to do it in the next week. Alright? So this is connecting to your desires. What do you want? What is it that you want right here and now? And the reason we do this on a regular basis because it changes. It changes daily, weekly, seasonally, it changes what we want. But as we move into this new season of fall, really taking some time and dropping into your body and being. Taking some breaths, sitting with yourself, setting a timer for 15 minutes. And I want you to use this 15 minutes. To write down all the things that you want, all the things that you desire, maybe it's an emotion, maybe it's something physical, maybe it's a cup

Amanda Testa [00:08:46]:

of coffee, maybe it's a

Amanda Testa [00:08:47]:

a vacation to a tropical island. Maybe it's it feels safe. Maybe it's to to feel loved. Maybe it's to get a hug from your partner. Whatever it is. Write those things down. And I want you to do it for 10 minutes because we're setting a timer for 15 minutes. The first ten is writing. You wanna just give yourself that opportunity To connect back to what lights you up because that is the root of reconnecting to your desire, remembering what turns you on in all ways. Right? It's not always sexual. Remembering that things that make you feel good and maybe there are sexual things on that list. Amazing,

Amanda Testa [00:09:20]:

which is what are the things that make you feel good that make you feel alive that you want What do you want? Give yourself that gift of being honest with yourself, letting yourself answer that question. What do you want and let yourself write it down? Don't censor yourself. Just let yourself have this opportunity to let go of all the barriers, all the obstacles in your mind. Just have fun. Let your imagination run wild. Okay? And after the 10 minutes is up, you're gonna take

Amanda Testa [00:09:46]:

a minute and you're gonna pause. You're gonna notice how you're feeling in your body. Notice what sensations you're noticing, maybe any emotions, maybe any images come to mind, just whatever you're you're feeling, whatever you're experiencing, take a minute and note what that is. Maybe you even wanna write it down. I often find after I spend 10 minutes writing about what I want, I feel a little more open. In my chest. And sometimes I feel like maybe a little tension. Like, it always changes, but just noticing what happens. And then I want you to look back over your list. And really kind of notice, what is the overall theme? Because often it's a theme. Sometimes, you know, maybe it's an emotional theme, whatever it can be. Just maybe noticing what the theme is. Maybe it's that when you look at the theme, you're realizing, I need to escape. I need to find some, a sense of freedom. So with that, what are maybe what is 1 or 2 things that you could do realistically over the next week or 2 that would help you feel that feeling? So for me, when I know if I have a lot of things about travel or adventure or escape, it's like I need a little break. So maybe that looks like I can get my husband to watch my daughter and take a hike with a friend this weekend, or maybe I could just make it shorter. Right? Maybe I just watch a 20 minute national geographic special of somewhere beautiful that can help me connect to that. Right? There's ways that you can take these bigger experiences and kind of like, what is the feeling that you wanna feel on the other side of it and tap into something like that. Right? Maybe it's like after you look at everything, it's a feeling of, okay. Well, I want to make x amount of money and I want to get a new car and I need a new computer or whatever the things are. Maybe that at the end of the day, what is that you're wanting to feel more safety? Maybe you want to feel more resourced. And so what are some ways you can do that? So I oftentimes, like, when I'm feeling It's like focusing on what are the things that you do have, right, focusing on clean water, focusing on going to the grocery store, just being in that abundance of the grocery store. Doesn't mean you have to buy anything. Maybe you don't have the funds to

Amanda Testa [00:11:37]:

buy what you want. But just like being

Amanda Testa [00:11:38]:

in that environment of this is a space where I could get whatever I need, if I needed to. Right? So these are some ways, like, just to kind of those are some ways you can do that. Right? But it's taking the time to tap into your desires. -- noticing how you feel after doing that and then making getting the theme, what is the theme of your desires and creating one action step, one doable thing that can connect you with that experience. Okay? If you need help with this, you can always reach out to me. But I love that practice, and I do it on the regular because It really kind of helps us drop back into, okay, what is it that I need? What is it that I need? Because we our our culture just gets us so disconnected from that. And it when you can just take that time to drop in and understand what you need. Oftentimes, it's not as hard as you think to meet those needs, even on a small level. Alright. So that's number 1. Number 2. Do something that make your body feel good. Okay? Now this is one of the keys of dropping into your sensuality is using your 5 senses. Right? And, again, depending on your life experience, maybe there are certain senses that you enjoy connecting with more than others, but really noticing what that is for you. And so what can you do to really relish in your body? Something that makes you feel really good. So that could be a simple thing. It could be sitting outside feeling the sun on your body. It could be taking a run. It could be taking a bath. It could be going to a yoga class. Right? It could be a million different things. It could be painting your nails. It could be putting on some makeup It could be taking a shower and getting dressed for the day. Those simple things can make you feel good in your body. And the more you feel good in your body, the more you want to put yourself out there. I have an example for myself. This weekend was Labor Day weekend, and we've been really busy. And so I wanted to stick around and kinda keep it mellow. We were gonna go out of town. We stayed in town. We went and saw Phish, which we always love to do. Going to see live music is one of My favorite things, I am such a fan of music, and I've been and it was great. Right? I've been seeing Phish for 30 years. And I just love -- all the fun that being is facilitated in my life, all the connections, all the friendships. My husband and I have a blast when we go together, which is so amazing. And so we had such a good time. And it felt so good to get, you know, just to get dressed up and go out and do something we both love and just drop back into ourselves and our bodies and move and dance.

Amanda Testa [00:14:02]:

It was great. Then the rest

Amanda Testa [00:14:04]:

of the weekend, we I had a couple other things that were on my agenda, but I I found myself like, I barely took a shower the rest of the weekend. I was just, like, working in the yard, cleaning the house, doing things. We went to Water World, took my kid to the water park, and I was just like, mhmm. Yeah. I don't feel like getting dressed up. I don't feel like taking a shower or anything. And I just looked at myself at the end of the weekend, and I looked

Amanda Testa [00:14:25]:

I felt like I was looking pretty haggard, which

Amanda Testa [00:14:27]:

is there's nothing wrong with that. Right? But I was like, mhmm. Yeah. It's no wonder that I'm not wanting my husband to touch me right now because I feel gross. I don't like the way I'm looking right now.

Amanda Testa [00:14:35]:

I'm not feeling good in my body. This is my own experience. Right? Everyone's different. So then I noticed yesterday,

Amanda Testa [00:14:40]:

it felt so good to take a shower, to get dressed in something that felt good to put makeup on, to, like, do my hair, and I just felt so much better. I just felt good. And, again, this might be something different for you, but that just made me feel good. And then I remember my husband cam ustairs and was like, oh, you look beautiful. What's going on? Right? Because I was also in my own energy. It felt good to take care of myself and luxuriate in the shower. And take that time to feel the hot water and to wash my hair and massage my scalp. I have this I got this shower brush, which let me just tell you. You need to invest in this if you want a little more pleasure in your life. Get a scalp massager. And when you wash your hair, massage your scalp. It's my new favorite thing. I just got this a few weeks ago.

Amanda Testa [00:15:25]:

I was like, this is life changing.

Amanda Testa [00:15:27]:

The pleasure that I get in the shower. Oh, gosh. Alright. And then in a moment, then I shower, I wash my body, then I give myself a breast massage, and I just I'm so loving to myself. I really turned it into a ritual of self worship in a beautiful way, like in a sacred way, tending to my body with care, with love. And because I have cultivated this ritual because I've been doing it for 10 plus years, being intentional about it, it has transformed my experience with getting ready. Right? So Second thing is doing something that makes your body feel good. Right? Whatever that is for you. And if that feels challenging, you don't know what that is, maybe Think about that. Like, what are some things that could be? What is some possibilities? What are some things that could make my body feel good?

Amanda Testa [00:16:08]:

If it feels hard to connect with that right now, What

Amanda Testa [00:16:10]:

are some things that I could possibly make my body feel more neutral or just more stable? Or maybe it's just feeling your feet on the ground and looking at your feet on the ground and rubbing them on the ground and realizing are held by gravity if that's if that's, you know, what you can connect to and let it build from there. Alright? The third thing, this is something that also can help with feeling more desire and all of that is number 3, connection. Connection. What does that mean to you? For me, that is a huge value. Connection to me means knowing that I'm not in it alone. And sometimes in the busyness of life, we can get really siloed. We can get really disconnected. Right? We could feel like we don't have a community. We can feel like we don't friends. We can feel like our partner's being an asshole. We can feel like our kids are driving us crazy. But what we can do to turn that around is start to focus on connection. And, again, my number one way to do that is connecting with myself first and foremost, so all of the practices I mentioned earlier are great ways to do that, but maybe even taking some time and What would it feel like to just maybe place a hand on your heart? Or if you don't wanna touch your own body, bring your awareness to that part and just, like, connect with yourself for a few minutes. Even if it's for 2 minutes, just like sitting with a hand on your heart, maybe a hand on your low belly or just sitting, like, placing your hands on your body somewhere and just feeling that connection, feeling the warmth, noticing what happens. If that's accessible to you. The other thing is noticing, like, what about your life is something that you enjoy connecting with? It could be nature. It could be your pet. It could be your kid. Could be your partner. Right? And so oftentimes I find myself if I'm feeling really disconnected or I don't feel loved, then that's my intention for the day. Is I want to feel loved and appreciated by everyone and everything that crosses my path today. Intentioned is such a huge thing. And so I usually will write down. I wanna feel loved and romance by my husband. I wanna feel loved and adored by my kid. I want my dog to come and sit in cuddle with me.

Amanda Testa [00:18:04]:

I want to feel loved by everyone.

Amanda Testa [00:18:07]:

every person who crosses my path today. And sometimes that happens. Sometimes it doesn't, but nine times out of 10, -- what I notice about myself is that I am more

Amanda Testa [00:18:16]:

willing to connect because oftentimes, again, I

Amanda Testa [00:18:19]:

warn that disconnect state. We don't want anyone around us. We're like, oh, just don't touch me. Just stay away. When we can turn that around by just starting with ourselves, like, what what would feel good for me today? Right? And maybe If I want more love, how could I give more love? How could I give more love to myself? Maybe how could I slow down what I'm doing so I can appreciate the connection that I do have in my life. Maybe I'll slow down, and I'll just spend a couple extra minutes petting the dog. Y'all know how much I love

Amanda Testa [00:18:44]:

my dog. I just got him groomed, and

Amanda Testa [00:18:46]:

he is the softest thing,

Amanda Testa [00:18:47]:

and I just -- love snuggling with him on the couch in the morning, and I'll just pet him. And just we just have

Amanda Testa [00:18:52]:

our little love fest, and it is absolutely amazing. I love my dog so much. And pets can be such a beautiful resource of connection. And then, you know, now that we have this new school year, we're still kind of navigating the routine. So as I tell you, this podcast episode. I am listening for my own self, and then my kiddo gets up right when I get up. And so that's kind of changing my little morning love fest with my dog a little bit. We have less love fest time, but I also she wants to snuggle, and I love that too. So we'll have just, you know, a little quiet time. Used to feel like, oh, I gotta hustle. We got so much to do. We only have an hour. We gotta rush. Gotta make breakfast. Gotta make lunch. Balada. Badadeeda. But I've changed my mindset there being like, okay. If connection is one of my values, How can I slow down and actually connect to my kid in this moment? I can spend 10 minutes While she's waking up just giving her a hug or rubbing her head, I can slow down. And when I do that, I notice, like, my whole system softens. All that cortisol, all that adrenaline that's going first thing in the morning after my coffee,

Amanda Testa [00:19:52]:

it slows down. And I can be present. And then

Amanda Testa [00:19:56]:

It actually is good for the both of us to have just a little quiet time to wake up and get my thoughts together in my head just have some silence. And then I can go about, like, okay, breakfast, lunch, all the things. Right? So what are the ways that you might be able to enjoy the connection in your life a little more? Maybe could you slow down and notice when your partner comes home? Like, can you actually pause and give them a kiss? Look them in the eyes. Can you slow down and make time for connection with them? One of the things that we did this weekend, I'll tell you another personal story because We have a challenge. Giving our kiddo to eat help eating her to eat healthy food, real food is such a challenge. And so we're trying to encourage her to join us in cooking, which she never wants to, but had something that she really wanted to make, and she was super excited about

Amanda Testa [00:20:42]:

it for the first time in years. So we were like, alright.

Amanda Testa [00:20:45]:

We are gonna take advantage of this. And so We got the recipe, and we all three worked on making it together. We had some music going, and we laughed and danced and had the best time. It was like, It was the most beautiful experience, which is not usually the case when it comes to cooking gutter. It was so wonderful, though. And then I was dancing with my daughter at one point. I was like, See, Kiddo, this is the best part of cooking is when you can dance in the kitchen, and she laughed. And we had a blast, and it was so great. And I realized, wow, I do have this connection around me. When I choose to allow it, when I choose to tap into it, when I choose to move towards what makes me feel good. And not push or force it, right, because the pushing, the forcing, that's often what pushes it away. But just kind of slowing down and noticing how could I

Amanda Testa [00:21:32]:

invite more connection right now? Maybe it is just letting my child come to

Amanda Testa [00:21:37]:

me, letting my partner come to me, maybe giving space. Maybe I

Amanda Testa [00:21:40]:

need to maybe I'm the one that takes

Amanda Testa [00:21:42]:

a lot of space and maybe I need to move closer. Right? Maybe I do need to, like,

Amanda Testa [00:21:45]:

go downstairs and When my husband's working after,

Amanda Testa [00:21:49]:

you know, it's been a long day. And I'm like, alright. You're still working here? Maybe you let's pause and, like, hang out a few minutes and talk and sit on his lap and flirt I was laughing the other day because he was on a call, and I snuck in there. And he's like, okay. Let me let me turn off the video, but he did not turn off the sound. Hey, wee. We're having some very flirty conversation that was quite spicy. And finally, someone was like, Mark, you're not muted. So that was pretty hysterical. And I turned beat red, and we laughed so hard. He's like, sorry. You just caught me flirting with my wife there. And I laughed, and I enjoyed the connection, but also realized, like, yes. Let it be an inspiration. Would it be great if everyone was, like, flirting with their partner and had those little bursts of connection throughout their day. Yes. Would be amazing. So these three things are simple ways that you can -- tap back into yourself, your desire, your turn on, your sensuality. And the more you do this, the more you will feel in the mood to connect, the more you kind of reconnect to your own desires, what you want. So I'll invite you to 1. Take that time. Check-in with your desires. Right? Number 2, do something that makes your body feel good. And number 3, notice where you can let in more connection. And let me know how it goes for you. Alright? And if you feel like you want more help in this, I am actually offering a free 3 day event that is going to be September 27th, 28th, 29th. From noon to 1 PM MST every day, I am going to be leading an interactive experience where we're gonna dive deeper on each of these topics, it's gonna be free. And I would love it if you would join me. If you feel like you wanna actually take the time to do this in real time, then you'll have the opportunity. And if you wanna learn more about it, you can go to amandatesta.com/awaken. This event is called Awaken Your Desire a 3 day odyssey to tap into your sensual aliveness, your turn on, and to unleash that ultimate feminine fire within you. So I hope that if nothing else, use these tools. These are really powerful tools. So often, so much of what I I have learned in my own life is simple, right, through multiple different disciplines. You know, I've been doing this work for a decade. I worked with thousands of women. I've done numerous certifications and trainings, and I just find time and time again, no matter how many different teachers I work with at the root of of everything, there's some core teachings. Right? And and some of them are very profound yet simple. And that's why I like to go back to what's doable, what's simple, because that, my friends, is what makes the long term changes. Right? So I am wishing you so much love. I hope you enjoyed this podcast episode. If you have a friend that you think would benefit, please forward it along as well. And, again, join me for this free 3 day event. We'd love to have you. Again, it's the September 27th 28 29th, there is gonna be recordings. It's only an hour every day, and everything's gonna be recorded if you sign up. So go to amandatesta.com/awaken and I will see you there. wishing your beautiful week, and I will see you soon. Thank you for listening to the Find Your Finishing Fire podcast. If you love this episode, please go ahead and forward it right now to someone who you know would love it. And if you've not yet had a chance to leave us a rave review on Apple Podcasts, please make sure to rate and review if you enjoyed the Pod cast, as well as make sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Thanks for listening, and we'll see you next week.

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

Amanda Testa is a trusted healer, coach, and guide who’s served hundreds of clients over the years with masterful skills in coaching, pleasure embodiment, and somatic trauma resolution.

Her clients tenderly heal their relationship with their sexuality, shamelessly embrace pleasure, own their sexy confidence, and cultivate deeply connected relationships with her fiercely loving support.

When she’s not leading transformative sessions, you can find her snuggling her spunky 10 year old, flirting with her sexy hubs, playing in nature, enjoying live music, and having epic conversations about sex with fellow experts on her Find Your Feminine Fire podcast.

Episode Resources

adrienne marie brown books

The Pleasure Foundation Sensual Self Care Membership

Want more support from Amanda? Schedule a confidential 1-1 call with Amanda⁠ here.

In this 45 min call, we’re going to identify your #1 block to pleasure, why it’s showing up in the way it is, and what to do to turn it around. ⁠
⁠
After doing this work for almost a decade, I can quickly identify the patterns holding you back, and show you the steps to change it. ⁠
⁠
Permission to reach out even if it feels scary. Permission to reach out even if you aren’t even sure you want to do this work. Permission to reach out to explore if this is right for you, no strings or pushy sales tactics here.⁠

If you liked this episode, please consider giving me a 5 Star Review on Apple Podcasts! It truly does help the podcast grow. 

Have a topic or question you'd like Amanda to address on a future episode? Submit it on this anonymous form.

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

Jennifer Chesak is the author of The Psilocybin Handbook for Women. She is an award-winning freelance science and medical journalist, editor, and fact-checker, and her work has has appeared in several national publications, including the Washington Post. 

Chesak earned her master of science in journalism from Northwestern University’s Medill. She currently teaches in the journalism and publishing programs at Belmont University, leads various workshops at the literary nonprofit The Porch, and serves as the managing editor for the literary magazine SHIFT. 

Find her work at jenniferchesak.com and follow her on socials @jenchesak.

Want more support from Amanda? Schedule a confidential 1-1 call with Amanda⁠ here.

In this 45 min call, we’re going to identify your #1 block to pleasure, why it’s showing up in the way it is, and what to do to turn it around. ⁠
⁠
After doing this work for almost a decade, I can quickly identify the patterns holding you back, and show you the steps to change it. ⁠
⁠
Permission to reach out even if it feels scary. Permission to reach out even if you aren’t even sure you want to do this work. Permission to reach out to explore if this is right for you, no strings or pushy sales tactics here.⁠

If you liked this episode, please consider giving me a 5 Star Review on Apple Podcasts! It truly does help the podcast grow. 

Have a topic or question you'd like Amanda to address on a future episode? Submit it on this anonymous form.