If you are looking to up your game when it comes to seduction, then you're going to love this week’s podcast episode. 

I'm talking with renowned sexuality experts, Jessica O'Reilly, Ph.D. (Sex with Dr. Jess) and Marla Renee Stewart, MA (Sex DownSouth) as they've joined forces to release a new book called  THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO SEDUCTION & FOREPLAY: Techniques and Strategies for Mind-Blowing Sex to help everyone have better, more fulfilling, meaningful sex.

Renowned sexuality experts Jessica O'Reilly, Ph.D. (Sex with Dr. Jess) and Marla Renee Stewart, MA (Sex DownSouth) have joined forces to release THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO SEDUCTION & FOREPLAY: Techniques and Strategies for Mind-Blowing Sex (April 14, Cleis Press). The authors aim to help everyone have better, more fulfilling, meaningful sex.

Let's face it, we are dealing with some chaotic times right now, and it may feel hard to find the time or have the energy for intimacy.   In this episode we talk about how you can make your relationship and intimacy a priority, even when life feels crazy.

You can preorder the book HERE!  The Ultimate Guide to Seduction & Foreplay teaches readers how to tune into their own desires, become better communicators, and ultimately be more confident, passionate, and attentive lovers. Inspired by fantasies of seduction, Marla and Jess take you on a journey of sexual exploration and help you understand the many factors that add to or inhibit arousal and pleasure on psychological, sociological, and sexological levels. Readers gain a deeper understanding of their own sexual needs and the foundations for greater compatibility and connection. As you explore your own learning and seduction styles (and your lover’s), you’ll discover and experiment with new and exciting ways to stimulate arousal and deepen intimacy: verbal, emotional, and digital seduction, foreplay, eroticizing daily actions, games, fantasy play, mindfulness, and more. Packed with practical exercises, techniques, and creative ideas — especially for busy couples — this inclusive guide is a surefire way for folks of all genders to master the art of seduction.

Connect with Marla Renee Stewart Here.

Connect with Dr. Jess HERE.

Thank you for listening!  If you enjoyed this podcast, please subscribe HERE, leave a rave review and share with your friends!

Please join in the discussion on this episode and more in my free Facebook Group, Find Your Feminine Fire HERE.

Listen here or tune in via Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or Spotify.

If you are one of the 1 in 10 women who suffer from endometriosis, then tune into this episode as Dr. Jessica Drummond,DCN, CNS, PT, NBC-HWC and Founder and CEO of the Integrative Women’s Health Institute shares how to relieve your symptoms and get your life back on track. 

Wouldn't it be nice to stop worrying about how your endometriosis symptoms are going to hold you back from the important things in your life? 

Sought-after endometriosis, pelvic pain, and nutrition expert Dr. Jessica Drummond, DCN, CNS, PT, has helped thousands of women relieve their pelvic pain in over twenty years of practice. In her new book, Outsmart Endometriosis, Relieve Your Symptoms And Get Your Life Back On Track, she offers a comprehensive approach to managing your symptoms using simple, repeatable strategies, and without having to wait for an appointment with your doctor.

In this episode she shares how you can become the boss of your symptoms.

Thank you for listening!  If you enjoyed this podcast, please subscribe HERE, leave a rave review and share with your friends!

Please join in the discussion on this episode and more in my free Facebook Group, Find Your Feminine Fire HERE.

Listen here or tune in via Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or Spotify.

Do you remember when you got your period?  What was the experience like for you?  

So often women ask me how do I talk to my daughter about her period, and I love Alexandria's perspective on this.  Alexandria is the author of a period love book for girls called The Moon In You.

Tune in for some great wisdom on talking to your daughter about this transition. 

In this episode I have the pleasure of talking with Alexandria King, author of a period love book for girls called The Moon In You. 

 In her book, she helps transform puberty from awkward do awe-inspiring. Teen mom, now mom to a teen, Alexandria is a new age teacher supporting women and girls to look at their body with a new perspective—of healing. Shedding light on what was once dark, illuminating the beautiful.

"There are so many things to figure out when it comes to coming of age...

Are you afraid of your daughter seeing menstruation as "icky" bleeding, shrouded in mystery? 

Will she feel like her body is outside of her control, or worse - something to be ASHAMED of?

Do you feel like you can't articulate everything she needs to know on your own?

Does the idea of your daughter dealing with cramps, moodiness, headaches, and feeling alienated make your heart hurt and your head spin with overwhelm? Let me help you walk her through it all… in a healthy, positive light." - Alexandria King

This interview is like a breath of fresh air, you'll feel the beauty of Alexandria's presence and leave the episode feeling calmer with some great strategies to help your daughter move through puberty with more ease.

Find out more and order your copy of the book HERE.

Thank you for listening!  If you enjoyed this podcast, please subscribe HERE, leave a rave review and share with your friends!

https://open.spotify.com/episode/0UGXM78DLNF4ohZH0oskWv?si=V3SRQRwOQi26INFtUC2ixQ
Please join in the discussion on this episode and more in my free Facebook Group, Find Your Feminine Fire HERE.

Listen here or tune in via Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or Spotify.

How safe do you really feel in your body?  Tune into this episode as I talk with Mia Von Loga,  the founder of Beyond Defence - A holistic approach to Self Defence.


Mia has not only been exploring various martial art forms and self-defense tools. As a personal development coach, she has been actively supporting and empowering women and helping women overcome traumatic life experiences.

This week I'm talking with Mia Von Loga, founder of Beyond Defence.  I first met Mia when we were both presenters at the Women Awakening Conference in Todos Santos, MX.  She delivered a powerful interactive self defense class, and her unique perspective around empowerment was one I wanted to share! 

Mia came from learning Self Defence techniques to seeing the bigger picture of wholesome Self Care .This empowering transition in combination with her expertise as a multidimensional personal development coach and emotional intelligence advocate inspired her own holistic concept called BeyondDefence – a different angle on SelfCare as SelfLove. She shows how this empowerment is pure love and how through this practice can unlock our whole potential and aligning and unblocking the power within our chakras. 

You can find out more about Mia and Beyond Defence HERE.

Thank you for listening!  If you enjoyed this podcast, please subscribe HERE, leave a rave review and share with your friends!

Please join in the discussion on this episode and more in my free Facebook Group, Find Your Feminine Fire HERE.

Listen here or tune in via Apple Podcasts,Stitcheror Spotify.

Do you ever ever feel like you use wine as a crutch after a busy day?  

Maybe you had that one too many feeling, one too many times?  Think everyone has their life together, and you're the only one who struggles?

This week I'm talking with Georgia Foster, a Clinical Hypnotherapist & Voice Dialogue Trainer.  Tune in to discover how to create healthy coping mechanisms, and how to calm the inner critic. 

This week I'm talking with Georgia Foster, a Clinical Hypnotherapist & Voice Dialogue Trainer. Georgia specializes in alcohol reduction, emotional over-eating, self-esteem, anxiety, and fertility issues. Her unique and highly successful approach has helped tens of thousands of people learn how to feel better emotionally and physically.

She is the author of six books: The Weight Less Mind, The Drink Less Mind,Drink Less in 7 Days, The 4 Secrets of Amazing Sex, The Stress Less Mind, and The Fertile Mind. Her on-line programs are: 7 Days To Drink Less, Emotional Resilience Training, Believing In You (self-esteem), The Weight Less Mind (emotional overeating) and ESBD Families (anxiety reduction and self-esteem for kids and parents).

Georgia resides in Melbourne, Australia with her partner Ian and triplet boys Ollie, Finn and Hugh.

Find out more about Georgia and her programs HERE.

Thank you for listening!  If you enjoyed this podcast, please subscribe HERE, leave a rave review and share with your friends!

Please join in the discussion on this episode and more in my free Facebook Group, Find Your Feminine Fire HERE.

Listen here or tune in via Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or Spotify.

Curious what it takes to look your best as you age? To unlock your vitality and ageless beauty in a holistic way?  Wonder what sexuality and beauty have in common? 

Tune into this episode as I talk with Rachel Varga, Board Certified Aesthetic Nurse Specialist, and discover some skincare secrets, non-surgical solutions, and healing lifestyle practices to navigate and strategize aging impossibly well – using the SCIENCE of BEAUTY. 

In this episode, I'm talking with the amazing Rachel Varga, BScN, RN, CANS, about the intersection of sexuality and beauty.  

Rachel is a Board Certified Aesthetic Nurse Specialist since 2011, an international clinical trainer, speaker and academically published award-winning author in the field of plastic and aesthetic nursing. Through education on skin care, skin and laser rejuvenation, non-surgical solutions, and healing lifestyle practices, Rachel helps inspire others with her unique toolkit to navigate and strategize aging impossibly well – using the SCIENCE of BEAUTY.

“Beauty is a feeling and quiet confidence that comes from being perfectly aligned body, mind and spirit (or as close to perfect as possible!). It will be my pleasure to help you understand the SCIENCE of BEAUTY!” - Rachel Varga

She has an amazing online class called Unlocking Your Vitality, where she guides you through the best skin care products, procedures, and lifestyle modifications to help you achieve the skin you desire and age impossibly well on the inside and out. and you can save 15% with code AmandaTesta15.

Connect with Rachel HERE.

Thank you for listening!  If you enjoyed this podcast, please subscribe HERE, leave a rave review and share with your friends!

Please join in the discussion on this episode and more in my free Facebook Group, Find Your Feminine Fire HERE.

Listen here or tune in via Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or Spotify.

Transcript

So let's just get right into it. Amanda, how can we have a healthy sexuality?

Amanda Testa (01:19):

So I love this and I think it's so key to our overall vitality because honestly we as women oftentimes don't really think about that part of our health unless maybe we're going to the gynecologist or if there's a problem. But honestly, it's something that we need to consider on a daily basis as part of just our overall health and wellbeing and not just forget about it until once in a blue moon. Because honestly, I think that for most women, we can't really, it's not to be blamed really, it's how we've been raised. You know, most of us kind of have been taught that sexist something you don't talk about. Maybe if you were wanting to have sex then you are slut shamed, or maybe if you were afraid to have sex, then you were called a prude. I was like, there's no winning in this world.

Amanda Testa (02:00):

The way we were raised, especially in our culture. And so what I see so often is that women, they are so curious and want to learn more, but they don't necessarily know how. So that's what I'm here to offer women is that how you can take care of your sexual vitality, why you should and why we don't think about it is not our own fault. You know, it's no fault of our own. But the good news is, is that it's something that it's easy and fun to incorporate. I love to share my basic messages. You know, we need to learn to feel like goddesses in the bedroom and beyond. And really it starts with taking care of our sexual vitality. So yes, I'm thrilled to talk more about this today.

Rachel Varga (02:33):

That's great. So you help people with their sex and their relationships as an expert in your own right. And I help people look great in the process and AGE-WELL and prevent things like fine lines, wrinkles, acne, acne, scars, rosacea, skin cancers, reduce accelerated aging and just help people age impossibly, well and I love it when people have that inner glow to them, right? So they're things that light them up, whether it's stimulating their body, mind, spirit in some way. And of course we're all sexual beings. We came here from, you know, two people coming together, no pun intended. And so how do you find that women will take care of themselves in a really grounded healthy way? How does that look?

Amanda Testa (03:22):

So for me, I like to make it simple because like many of the women that I work with, they are very high achieving, busy women and we have a lot on our plates, a lot to do, a lot of people to take care of. So often it's easy for us to fall to the bottom of the list. And so what I like to incorporate is just simple ways to incorporate sensual self care into your life. And really one of the simplest ways that I like to share is number one is connecting to what brings you pleasure every day. And it could be a lovely orgasm. It could be just taking five minutes in the morning to like gently rub your face lotion in or you know, like really honestly take that moment to give your own body some reverence. And like I say, these things are simple.

Amanda Testa (04:01):

Like you can do that anywhere, anytime. One of my favorite ways is, the first thing is to just find things you do every day to bring you pleasure. And if you struggle with what that is, then take some time to really connect to what it is that you desire. I think for many women, that is a hard step because we know how to take care of everyone else. We know what our family needs, we maybe know what our partner needs, but for our own needs, they don't always make it to the top of the list.

Rachel Varga (04:24):

I totally relate to that because when I'm asked, you know, what do you want? What do you want in this? What do you, I'm like, Oh, I actually don't know. We don't always take the time to really isolate what desires we have, whether that's with our sexuality or in other aspects of our life as well. So how do we get really good at asking and you know, going for what we want.

Amanda Testa (04:48):

Yes. So I love this simple practice that I share is just to take that every week if you can. I do it weekly where I write down a desire list, like literally everything I that I want everything, my heart desires, whether it might be a cup of coffee or a trip to Bora Bora, whatever it may be, you know, you kind of just let your imagination have fun with it. And when you take that ten minutes to write these things down, you really start to allow your brain to, to go there. The more you do that and you can say, all right, well now look at my list. What can I actually do this week? Well, I can actually give myself s sensual massage or I can actually create an environment where I can enjoy some sensual, you know, self-pleasure something like that. So it makes you be able to realize that it really isn't as hard as we think to do things for ourselves.

Amanda Testa (05:32):

You know, oftentimes we'll have that voice in our head will tell us that we have too much to do and we can't make the time. But the more we take that self-assessment and really connect to our inner compass and what we need, the more that it's going to guide us. And that's just the key is taking the time to tap into that. So doing this 10 minute practice of writing down what you want and then looking at that, okay, what can I make happen this week? Then you're going to start, okay, well I can actually give myself what I need. I can ask for what I need and those are huge steps.

Rachel Varga (05:59):

I feel like I'm just getting some one on one coaching with you right now cause one of the things I need to work on is grounding, right? As busy healthcare, professional female entrepreneur, you know, we're creating lots. We're figuring out how to get our knowledge out there. So one of the things I really have to do is ground. I know I'm going to be taking your advice, but I love that idea of making your home a place that you feel sensual in. Like having your aromatherapy in your diffuser, your candles going some nice soft music, you know, cracking open a little bottle of wine and having a little glass of Vino while you cook your supper.

Amanda Testa (06:33):

Exactly. Those little things are so fun. And I honestly like one of the big ways that I also like to share. So the first would be, you know, tapping into that pleasure and your desires. And the second is to really make use of your five senses. Like you just mentioned, like taking the time to smell your diffuser and really enjoy the food you're cooking. And, and one of my favorite places to do it is in the shower or when I get ready because usually we're maybe rushing and we're slapping on the lotion and this, that and the other. And I like to invite women to just take that time to really feel into your body and as you are doing your facial routine and like things to take care of your skin, like really take that time to drop in and notice your features and what can you appreciate instead of focusing on the wrinkles maybe you can say, wow, look at my beautiful eyes, you know, or you know, I love the way this part of my cheek looks or you know, cause it's easy to focus on what we don't want to see, but when you can focus on what you do like and I'm so lovely that I'm just nourishing my skin like this.

Amanda Testa (07:27):

How lovely that I'm taking the time to care for myself. Right.

Rachel Varga (07:30):

I adore that. That's like the best female grounding practice ever. And I just thought of something because when you're doing that you're going to be, you know, not in that like rush, rush, rush, got to go, got to get ready as fast as I can and then out the door it's like you're really getting yourself out of that beta brainwave state, which let's face it when we are in the office or with the family you're kind of in that go, go, go. You get a ton of cortisol in your body and that's a really fast way to age yourself is to have that coursing through your body. So taking that time in the morning and evening as part of your self care routine to really drop out of that high beta brainwave state and reduce your cortisol levels. I love it. I love that

Amanda Testa (08:11):

And I love all that kind of stuff. Like I'm very into all my lotions and potions and things. Right. I think that it's so important to care for ourselves because, and I don't view it as something that is selfish. I think it's something that's just vital because we are the ones that have to be presenting our best self into the world. Like no matter what we're doing, whether that's running a huge business or taking care of kids or whatever it may be, you know, we have to be healthy and vibrant to do that. And it's also just this beautiful act of, you know, of adornment. I love the adornment process. It just makes me feel, you know, I just think about like even back in the day when they would use like the charcoal and their eyes, but I can they Egyptian times like, Oh yeah, we're in yourself. It's such a fun. Beauty has been around for

Rachel Varga (08:56):

Thousands of years. It's nothing new.

Amanda Testa (08:58):

Yeah. So I'd love, you know, just straight from your perspective, you know, with your clients, you work with so many women. Do you know, how do you feel that they are with regards to taking care of themselves?

Rachel Varga (09:09):

I feel like they just don't really know where to start. Especially when you're talking about lotions and potions. It's like, okay, well you want to be putting something on your skin to nourish your skin and you want to be putting that something on your skin that isn't going to be a toxin to your body. You want it to work, you want it to be clean. And so I work with medical grade skincare, which is, you know, products. They're products backed by research to actually improve the skin quality on a cellular level to have those active ingredients like your vitamin C, vitamin E or vitamin a, your hyaluronic acid, your retinol to actually tell your skin cells to make things like collagen and really making sure that you're putting things on your skin that are safe and effective. So I like to help clients to understand, you know, what items could be helpful to meet their needs so they can do their skincare at home.

Rachel Varga (10:01):

And then they come in to see me for rejuvenation treatments, whether those are, you know, the HydraFacial, which is a great way to kind of splurge your skin, right? Sort of like a wetvac for the face that uses vacuum to pull out dirt and debris from the pores and then it gives you a really nice glycolic acid chemical peel and you get an infusion of peptides. Your skin is just like the smoothest it's ever felt. That's a really good starter treatment. And then of course there's other layers that you can add to that, like lasers or injectables, there are definitely some injectables that are cleaner on the market then some of their counterparts. So you know, I help people navigate all of that, but I love it when I see people coming to see me in the clinic and you know, they're starting to have a really good self care routine at home with their products, cleanser, moisturizer, sunscreen, exfoliation a couple of times a day.

Rachel Varga (10:47):

And then they come in to see me and I see the shift in them in their level of vibrancy and their vitality because you're taking the time to look after themselves. I can't help but think of one of my most beautiful new clients. About two weeks ago I did a an injectable treatment on her. And then she came back for her follow up a few weeks later. And just the way that she was carrying herself, she was actually standing up straighter. I was doing her before and after photo and she was standing up at least an inch and a half taller. She was, you know, wearing the same shoes. I really love to see that shift and transformation in women. It's, it's really kind of what encourages me cause I know I'm making a difference to not only help people look better but feel better. So this rejuvenation, anti-aging stuff, it's a lot less superficial than What you may think. I just help people navigate it so that people don't waste money on, you know, bogus products and procedures.

Amanda Testa (11:38):

So important because there are so many toxic things out there. You know, thankfully one of my friends when I was back in my twenties she was an aesthetician. So she got me started in, I was like 21 on using good products. They don't have a bunch of bad ingredients and kind of educating me about that, cause I didn't even, I wasn't even aware, you know, I would just go to the store and buy whatever was at the grocery store. That was actually a really bad thing most of the time because of all the toxins that are in the products and how quickly that enters your body. And so that was great. And I think too, just learning from that young age that it's important to take care of your skin and it's important to get regular facials and things like that, which I adore. I hadn't, I think to those types of things are ways that you nourish yourself. You know, it's part of that holistic nourishing your soul, like you know, and I feel like I love to bring it even into your own sexuality by taking that time to nourish even your vulva. Right. And how often do you think about the skin down there? It's gonna. It's the same as the skin on our face. It needs nourishment as well. So

Rachel Varga (12:35):

I love that you brought that up. Yeah. What I actually recommend some of my clients do is you know, their their products. I recommend what you do to the face to do to the neck and the chest and the top of the hands as well. But to put that extra product or you know, vitamin a, which is a really potent antioxidant, but you only use it at nighttime cause it does cause photosensitivity. It can cause a bit of redness and flaking at first and then your skin gets a bit more tolerant to the active ingredient. But I love recommending people do it on the inside of their arms, their knees, and also their bikini zone because it's really important to actually nourish the skin there and increase cell turnover to reduce that kind of crepey look that you can get to the bikini zone. And then lasers are awesome.

Rachel Varga (13:19):

So sometimes people will come and see me for hair removal. And you can either use two technologies IPL hair removal, which is like a bright flash of light. So if you have red ingrown hair kind of follicles and you can have a lot of irritation or scarring, it's amazing for that is so it helps the skin look better. It reduces ingrowns, it reduces the amount of hair that you have growing in. It thins it out a little bit, but if you have a darker skin type or you always have a tan, a yag lazer for hair removal is also really helpful as well. And energy in the area to get hair removal performed with is going to rejuvenate the skin too. So all of those can be helpful.

Amanda Testa (13:59):

Yeah, and I mean I think that's important because there's so much to feeling good in your body and feeling good in your skin and sometimes things like that can show up and really hurt your ability to relax and open and be in the moment. Because so many women I talk to are just like, Oh, I don't want them to look at this or I don't want them to be looking at my ingrown hair or whatever. Right. Which I can assure you, your partner's not looking at your ingrown hair, but it's on their mind and then they can't relax and enjoy. So it's like those things you can do to help yourself feel comfortable and confident are so important and so and so that you know the beautiful thing about that, taking that time to nourish it, the bikini line as well, you know, it's just understanding to your own body.

Amanda Testa (14:40):

There's so many women that I talk to that aren't even aware of how our anatomy works. I mean, to some extent they do, but like there's a lot more that we aren't always taught about our anatomy and how when we take the time to really explore our own bodies and understand what we enjoy, then we can better tell our partners those things. So I really encourage women to take the time to, you know, enjoy your own pleasure practice if that includes doing your routine on your skin. But even better if it really includes in the bikini line and even self-pleasuring so healthy for you.

Rachel Varga (15:13):

Just an FYI, you shouldn't use your vitamin a or your active ingredients on the actual vulva area. Yes, exactly.

Amanda Testa (15:22):

And have you and I, and I, I actually think, you know, coconut oil can be a good thing too for sensitive skin. Especially, you know, your vulva tissue depending. It's a good idea cause I know as women age it's, it's just normal that the tissue gets thinner and just really important like you have to use it. This is what I always like to say, you know, use it or lose it as you know. And then that goes for anything we're doing sexually or otherwise.

Rachel Varga (15:44):

Well it's so true. Do you know much about laser rejuvenation for down there, do you practice that? Sure do.

Amanda Testa (15:53):

It's for you to talk to her about it because I actually, you know, our, our friend Susan Bratton, you probably have met her at Mindshare perhaps, but she talks a lot about vaginal rejuvenation and I know there are so many different techniques out there. So I'd love if you would share a little bit more about what you do in that area.

Rachel Varga (16:08):

Wow. Yeah. There are a number of different types of technologies on the market. It's relatively new on the market. I like things to be around for awhile that you know, have been used on the mass population before I ever even think about offering them to my clients just from a safety perspective. So there's really two ways to rejuvenate the vaginal area using laser technologies. The first one is going to be radio frequency, so it essentially is using a little probe that's inserted and some of the technologies are kind of like inserted and then removed and then moved around a little bit. So that can create a little bit of an awkward situation with your provider if you know what I'm getting at. So basically it's using heat to stimulate the tissue to make elastin and collagen because that's what we lose is we lose that elastin and collagen in the vaginal canal, it thins.

Rachel Varga (17:02):

You get a little bit of atrophy of the tissues and all that stuff. We want it to be happy and healthy. The aim of the game with everything with your skincare and lasers is to make collagen. And then there's another type of technology that's using an erbium laser. And the erbium is actually, it's kind of like inserted sort of like with a metal speculum and then you sort of withdraw it at half centimeter segments throughout the whole vaginal canal. And it's great for again, heating up the tissue, it vaporizes the water so it heats up the water that's in the cells of the tissue. Then it heats it up. And you know, basically there are no downtime procedures. You just need to abstain from inserting anything for about one to two weeks after. It depends on the tech, but there are fantastic. So technologies not only improve collagen in the vaginal canal, which can lead to increased sensation and lubrication and of, you know, of course with that enjoyment, but they're also great for other things like, you know, having an overactive bladder, it can actually help with women with incontinence. It's quite, quite wonderful that these therapeutic treatments, do have that type of aesthetic outcome. Right? You can actually reform the tissue on the external part of the vaginal area as well, which is, which is really cool. So you can get an improvement on the inside and also on the outside.

Amanda Testa (18:24):

Yes, I love that. And it's, and it's wonderful that there are so many things that you can explore to keep that vitality. And, and you know, one of the things I also teach women is if they are curious to learn more about, you know, how we really work with our energy. I, this is what I love about the Taoist philosophy is that our sexual energy is our life force energy. So really when we nourish that, it's created in our sexual center and our kidneys. And you can really learn practices to kind of start to activate that energy and pump it through your system. And you can use it to nourish your system and nourish your body and really however you want to use that. So it's a great practice that, you know, I love to teach women is how you can work with this, how you connect to it, because so many women are like, ah, I don't even know what that means.

Amanda Testa (19:12):

But it's actually just like anything, it's a practice. You can connect to the sensations that you're experiencing in your body, then it's possible that you can also connect to the energy that you can create in your own body. And so it's a really fun practice. And you know I love, I love teaching women those because they are just beautiful meditative practices. There's practices where you can work with your pelvic floor and possibly using tools like a Jade egg to kind of help get that energy really activated and learn how to spread it through your system. And it can be that, it's like that internal rejuvenation as well just from your energy. And I think what I love about this is I've personally been doing this practice for, I don't know, maybe seven years now

Rachel Varga (19:53):

And you're totally radiant. Like even the first time I saw you. And right now speaking, you have this level of radiance and vitality to you.

Amanda Testa (20:01):

Thank you. Well I was mentioned to you earlier like some of my teachers you know are in their seventies and you would not know it to look at them. They look like there may be 50 and I actually, it is just because there is something to, and we can keep our, our vital force energy alive and flowing in our sexual energy is a huge part of that. It really is. It reflects in everything that we do because you can just see those women, you know, you've probably seen one before. They walk into the room and they just have this vibrancy and like it's, they just have this energy and you're just drawn to them. Right?

Rachel Varga (20:29):

That's what I love teaching is basically I'm sharing online what my most vibrant clients are doing. Right? So my online course, Unlocking your vitality in the ebook right now that's available for free with it. Use your promo code, amandatesta15 so I know that you know, you listen to this and it was from the lovely Amanda, so I can thank you kindly for your referrals and it's just so amazing to be able to share the common threads that I see in this incredible subset of my clients, that they walk into a room and they're powerful, they're resilient, they're magnetic, they're beautiful. And they could be in their eighties or nineties and how fine lines, wrinkles, Brown spots. It doesn't matter. That inner stuff is so much more impactful on beauty than the outer. And it's just really ironic coming from someone like me that's, you know, made a career rejuvenating people.

Rachel Varga (21:24):

But really, you know, before you even start doing any of that, you got to do the inner stuff. So I love connecting with lovely souls like you, Amanda, that you know, you can teach people how to develop that youthful, vibrant glow and talking about how our sexual energy is critical to our life force and how to have this healthy sexuality. These are all really important things that I think busy female professionals and mothers, it kind of gets put on the back burner, but like, Hey, our stuff's really important to, and this is what I want.

Amanda Testa (21:57):

Yes, it's so true. And it's, and it's easy. Once you, once you realize how good it makes you feel, then it's easier to make the time to do it right. And it's not like it takes a lot of time. That's what I like to share. You know, even if you do, you know, a couple of 15 minute practices a week, that's amazing. But it's just taking that intention and connecting to ourselves because we need to just remember our bodies in the equation. You know, it's so easy to just always be in our heads and thinking about the to do's and going, going, going, but taking that time to drop in and connect and listen and just enjoy our bodies and all the things, the many beautiful things, it's capable of it. It just helps to increase your confidence as well once you realize like what you're truly capable of.

Amanda Testa (22:38):

I see it all the time with my clients. It's just they will radically transform from, you know, one of my clients who I was working with the other day, you know, she really struggled with putting herself out there and she is a coach and was struggling to charge what she wanted to charge for her packages when we first started working together. And then by the end of working together now she's got these $16,000 packages that she's selling like crazy because she's just got this huge amount of confidence and just really owning that power again. And I know that's kind of a generic term now. It's like owning your power, but when you are a woman and you can connect to that, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Right?

Rachel Varga (23:11):

Yeah. And then adding an element of soft feminine energy to it as well. I mean that's really powerful when we can tap into that because I know for me as a, you know, relatively young professional, you know, sometimes I'm in a room and I'm like one of five females in a room of 20 at conferences. So we're constantly in that like very masculine zone. But it's so critical to remember that, Hey, we're actually, you know, super babes and powers in her own right. And getting back to that feminine energy over the last couple of years has been really beautiful. Do you know Rebecca Campbell?

Amanda Testa (23:50):

I'm not familiar with her.

Rachel Varga (23:51):

So she's a hay house author. I had the pleasure of meeting her at a hay house heal event in Portland earlier this year. I saw dr Joe Dispenza, Greg Braden, all those people that are, they're all amazing healers and teachers in their own right and after reading some of her books, Light is the new black and Rise, Sister, Rise, , it got me to shift back into my feminine as opposed to, you know, in the books learning working and I think that's really a really important layer that sometimes we can forget about.

Amanda Testa (24:20):

I think so and that's why it's so important to like remember to go into our bodies. There's such wisdom there and it's like, I think that's part of like dropping in to that divine feminine wisdom is taking the time to connect with our wombs and with our energy there. Even if you don't have the physical organs, there's such energy that's still there and learning to listen to your body has to say and how the more we do that, like even just tapping it into your desires, like I mentioned earlier, that is just part of that compass. It's like your, your soul knows where you need to go. And if you give yourself the time to tap in, it will help you keep clear with your mission or whatever it is you're doing. You know, it just keeps that clarity so that you can move forward knowing that your actions coming from an aligned place within you.

Rachel Varga (25:01):

Can you, can you share some woo stuff with us on how our sexuality makes us more beautiful? Yeah, sure. Yeah. Would you like me to walk you through a quick little practice? Yes, please.

Amanda Testa (25:15):

Okay. So if you're driving while you're listing, just, you know, don't close your eyes or get too into it, but you can actually do this anywhere. And I feel like that's what's so great about this little practice. And so what I'll invite you to do is just, if you want to close your eyes, keep them open if you're driving, but I want you to just take a couple breaths and just start to feel into your lower belly. So just kind of breathe down into your lower belly, even just like three deep breaths.

Amanda Testa (25:53):

And then you can start to like start to rapidly squeeze your pelvic floor muscles. If you can just kind of start squeezing them and start to notice if you feel any tingling, any sensation there, maybe around your perineum And just notice if you start to feel any energy and just kind of connect to that. And maybe you can visualize like a Pearl of light there where this energy is starting to build. And as you inhale, just see that light getting bigger, feel it getting bigger there. And on the exhale just kind of let that energy start to radiate through your body. And if you want, you can even like kind of breathe that

Amanda Testa (26:44):

Ball up. The front of your body can touch the tongue to the roof of your mouth so you can keep that energy flowing. And then just let it drop down the back of your spine and you can just kind of loop it back through your premium and feel that energy. If you want to keep you squeezing your pelvic floor and you can just kind of get that flow. And it's kind of, it's just the flowing through the microcosmic orbit they call it through these energies centers that we have in our body. And just notice how if you feel any different after a few rounds of that energy circulating, then that's literally as simple and quickly as you can do it. And the more you do it, the easier it gets to feel it and tap into it. Cause like I've obviously been doing this practice for a while and it's like anything, it's a practice. I, I kind of compare it to going to the gym. You know, when you first start to work out, you might not really feel anything or see any results yet, but after a while you're like, wow, the trend, you know, you can see that transformation in new, that's why it's a practice, you know, you got to keep that connection going. So do you feel any different at all?

Rachel Varga (27:47):

I enjoyed that. It was a great way to end the day. Right? It's just like that little, it's like that little cleanse that connecting to me and my body, right? Because we have this amazing body that we're given and we gotta look after it. You can either age really well

Rachel Varga (28:08):

And feel great in the process or you can be a victim. And you know, for me, I was telling you earlier, I was rear-ended like two weeks ago and you know, I've been recovering quickly because I'm looking after myself and I'm seeing all the right people. Even though I have, you know, some issues with my ribs and spine and a compressed vertebrae, but you know, the mind over the body and tapping into the body and really tapping a How we are feeling is really important. So just doing those types of practices is so healing for your hormones, your, your brain States, all that stuff. Reduce the, reduce the cortisol level as much as he can and really

Amanda Testa (28:48):

Exactly. Exactly. So key. And that cortisol will kill all your, your, like you mentioned your hormones, especially your sex hormones. So, so key to like keep that stress level managed.

Rachel Varga (28:58):

That's so true. You're, you're definitely gonna feel more inclined to be sexually active, you know, you're in a good place, body, mind, spirit. If your brain is constantly going, you're not going to feel in the mood, right? If your body is in pain or you're not really in tune with it, you're not really gonna know what to ask for.

Amanda Testa (29:17):

And you need to have that feeling of, you know, being able to soften and open and receive, right? And you can't do that in a state of, of clenching and tightness. So it's that really being able to learn to soften and surrender, which is challenging for a lot of women because there's so many women I work with that are just so want to control everything, right? And it's hard to let go when you're in that place of wanting to control. So it's an invitation to practice. Like how can you soften? How could you open a little more? And you know, that starts with creating that sense of feeling good in your own body and knowing how to communicate with your needs so that you can make sure that you're feeling safe and that you are able to do that. Right. We need those things in place to really be able to enjoy and relax and get those good oxytocins flow and in all the good things that happen with sexual connection. Right.

Rachel Varga (30:08):

I got to say what you talked about with softness. One of my clients today, she's 80 but she looks like she's in her mid sixties and she does Tai Chi every morning. And one of the things I notice with people that are yogis or do other grounding practices like Tai Chi is absolutely, they have the softness to them and it's so nice to be around that as opposed to people that come in and you know, we encounter and they're like, Oh, got to pick the kids up, got to go do this, do that. You know, it's constantly go, go, go. I don't know about you, but I prefer to be with the soft people. It sounds funny to say.

Amanda Testa (30:47):

So I would, I would love to learn a little bit more too from you, from your side. Like I know you've got your program coming out, so tell me a little more. I would love to for you to share too, because I want to share this with my audience as well because I think like you say, it's so important to know that vitality is, there's numerous prongs. It's a multipronged approach, right? So would you share a little bit more?

Rachel Varga (31:08):

Yeah, I would love to. It's really become a passion of mine to help people understand how to achieve optimal beauty and beauty is a lot deeper than what we might actually initially think. There is a lot of woo in beauty and there's a lot of spirituality in beauty and there's a lot of body and there's a lot of mind. And basically through my course I filmed the whole thing on salt spring Island. And if you are from the West coast of Canada, you know that salt spring Island is the hippie Island. Here I am at this beautiful Weatherly Inn, it's a 30 acre boutique luxury Inn, in my beautiful room and I'm just in the zone and basically I had the ability to record about 30 videos, so they're kind of little snippets. It's really easy to go through the program. I actually designed it with my mother in law who has her masters in education, so it's really methodically laid out.

Rachel Varga (32:04):

It's easy to follow and I just love taking people through what my most vibrant clients are doing to be more vibrant and beautiful on the inside and out. So we start with body, mind, spirit, all that good inner stuff. And then I provide an education on beauty marketing. You know what you need to avoid, what you want to look for, what you should be doing to get healthy skin. If your skin is telling you this, what do you need to do for that? I also provide a really great treatment planning guide to help people understand the different pieces of the puzzle for really looking after the skin, which includes great self care skin care practices, and also technologies and certain treatments. There's a lot of ways to waste your money and there's a lot of ways to really maximize your effort. So I really bring that all together in nearly a decade of my experience and just observing what my most beautiful, vibrant clients are doing.

Rachel Varga (32:57):

And it's like, why wouldn't I want to share this with the world? And I, I do it in a really, I like to think a very soft way to promote self care in the process. Of course I talk about, you know, pre-post recovery tips for, you know, different skin laser treatments, even facial and body surgeries. Cause sometimes as we age, you know, we want a little adjustment here and there. And if you, you know, when you look good, you feel good. When you feel good, you look good. So everything's different for everyone. I just basically have all of the expert information you could possibly want to know to heal well and age well in one really easy to digest course. I'm really proud of it. I'm getting amazing feedback on it. And yeah, you, it's called unlocking your vitality and my website, rachelvarga.ca. And if you're listening to this, I'd love to you, I'd love for you to use the promo code AmandaTesta15 and yeah, I'd love to give you 15% off it. You'll love it. It's gonna change your life.

Amanda Testa (33:53):

Thank you so much. And I also share, you know, I talked in the beginning a little bit about how you can tap into that pleasure and really ways, simple ways to do that and really nurture your sensuality. And so if you want, you can, I've got a great practice on really a simple way to tap into your sensuality. You can download from my website if you're interested as well. It's Amandatesta.com/sensuality/ and you can find that and it's got one of my favorite practices to really do that.

Rachel Varga (34:19):

I loved that practice that you just took us through. I'm going to listen to that again once I relisten to this podcast episode. I'll, I'll take you with me. I really just want to say this. I'm really proud of women like you who are also seeing what you know, the subset of most, the most beautiful people we work with are doing and sharing that with the world. Because when we're beautiful and soft we are going to be interacting with people, places and things in a more beautiful way. And that I really find has a trickle down effect into so many other layers and aspects of our lives and with people we interact with when we can spread a little self care message along the way. I think that's, I think that's some fantastic work that you're doing. So keep it up.

Amanda Testa (35:05):

Same. I feel the same about you. So thank you so much and it's been so lovely to connect.

Rachel Varga (35:10):

Great. And Amanda, where can people find you?

Amanda Testa (35:14):

So you can find me on my website. It's Amandatesta.com and as I mentioned, I have that great sensuality practice you can download at amandatesta.com/sensuality You could also find me on Facebook. I have a group there called find your feminine fire Group. That's the name of my business. And that group is, I share so much great stuff in there. I do lots of free trainings and you can find me there as well. Instagram, AB test and YouTube. Amanda, that's awesome.

Rachel Varga (35:38):

So regional, where else can everybody find you? I am hanging out all over the place. Multiple passionate woman. I have a free treatment planning guide available and it just helps you organize the different products and procedures that are typically found to be helpful for aging. Well at rachelvarga.ca I am on Instagram a lot @rachelvargaoffical. I am also on Facebook also Rachel Varga official YouTube and podcast. So podcast is all about the woo of beauty, bringing in the body, mind, spirit and then the YouTube channel is all about showing different treatments. If you have questions about skin care, lasers, injectables, it's all there. Beautiful. Thank you so much for taking the time to talk with me today and to have me on your podcast and thank you so much for taking the time to have me on your podcasts. I'm sure that we have lots to offer our listeners to help them be more vibrant. On the inside and out.

Thank you so much for listening to the find your feminine fire podcast. This is your host, Amanda Testa. And if you have felt a calling while listening to this podcast to take this work to a deeper level, this is your golden invitation to invite you to reach out. You can contact me at amandatesta.com/activate. You can have a heart to heart to discuss more about how this work can transform your life. You can also join us on Facebook in my group, Find your Feminine Fire Group. And if you've enjoyed this podcast, please share with your friends, go to iTunes and give me a five star rating and a raving review so I can connect with other amazing listeners like yourself. Thank you so much for being a part of the community.

You know you're curious... it's a question I get asked so often - and the things people THINK I do, aren't really WHAT I do.  Tune into this week's episode as my dear friend and Sex Abuse Prevention Educator Emily Gaudreau asks me alll the juicy questions... you don't want to miss this one! 

This episode was so much fun - my friend Emily and I were having coffee one day, and she started asking me some curious questions about what I do.  It  was so interesting because she, as the host of How to Raise A Maverick podcast is great at asking the deeper questions,  and I realized, many people really have no idea what I TRULY do.   So we had the idea to record a pod where she asks me alll kind of juicy questions (we go deep y'all).  And spoiler alert, no, I don't watch you have sex and give you pointers.

Emily is a Maverick and a Sex Abuse Prevention Educator, who has a powerful online course, Young Wild and Safe.

For those of you who have been following me for a while, you'll know that I'm a mama to a gorgeous daughter, wife to my sexy hubs, and the host of the Find your Feminine Fire podcast.  

Sex, Love, and Relationship Coaching is what I do, but awakening women and couples to their sexual power, confidence, and worthiness is who I am.

My goal? To help high achieving women and couples ditch the guilt and overwhelm and live a life with a lot more deep connection, hot sex, pleasure and fun.

Thank you for listening!  If you enjoyed this podcast, please subscribe HERE, leave a rave review and share with your friends!

Please join in the discussion on this episode and more in my free Facebook Group, Find Your Feminine Fire HERE.

Listen here or tune in via Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or Spotify.

Transcript

Amanda Testa (00:01):

Hello and welcome to the find your feminine fire podcast. I am your host Amanda Testa. I am a sex love and relationship coach and in this podcast my guests and I talk sex, love and relationships and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome.

Amanda Testa (00:20):

Hello everyone and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire Podcast. I am your host Amanda Testa and I am looking forward to this episode because I'm going to be chatting with my friend Emily Gaudreau, who is a Maverick and a sex abuse prevention educator and I think we both have this big vision of a new world where there's a lot of safety, sex positivity and that you know you're really able to be able to fully fly and express yourself in all the ways including your sexuality. So we are going to just going to dive in and she's also very curious human and as a friend she had a great idea to ask me a little more questions about myself and share some kind of juicy, juicy topics that we don't always dive into. So welcome Emily. Thank you so much for being here.

Emily Gaudreau (01:03):

I am so excited because I do have so many questions for you that don't normally come up in conversation at the coffee shop. I'm like, all right, let's, let's get Amanda's advice on some yes, some slightly intense stuff, but we'll, we'll wait for that. So the first thing I want to know, Amanda, as a sex and relationship coach, I want to know what is that like. I have this vision of being told to like I, I don't know, I think that there's been group, but I don't know where I got this. I'm like suddenly getting a little embarrassed, but people in a group and their laying there, they've got a mirror between their legs and they're like looking at, look at your label, look at your, you know, and say nice things to your vulva or whatever, you know, is that real? Does that happen? Is that, is that going to happen with you?

Amanda Testa (01:51):

So I love that. First of all, that is a beautiful practice and that is not something that I personally have you do in a group in my work right now. But it's something that I think is a very good thing for you to do on your own. And I know there's, there's a lot of beauty in that, but people do often think like, what do you do? Do you watch us have sex? Am I like, what is, what is really happening here? And so that is a great question and I'll share with you, everything is actually very pretty much PG 13 in a lot of ways, right? There's no nudity, there's no, I don't watch you having sex. I don't like give you pointers as you have sex. It's more around really creating empowerment and education around your, your sexuality. So often that starts with, first of all becoming clear on what it is that you really want.

Amanda Testa (02:34):

Like, are you wanting to reclaim your feminine fire or are you wanting to, you know, bring the spark back in your relationship with your partner? Really, I work with a lot of moms and couples and they're in longterm relationships. They have families and there are a lot of real challenges that those people face. So oftentimes we are busy taking care of everyone else. So we don't know what it is we even want. So that's kind of the number one thing. It's helping them get clear on what they want. And number two is kind of diving into find out more about where those blockages lie because a lot of what holds us back is in our physiology, you know, in our body and our body mind things it holds on to things that we might not realize. So it's kind of unraveling where those blocks lie and working with them.

Amanda Testa (03:16):

And oftentimes many of the people that I've worked with have suffered trauma in the past or they are under a lot of stress. And so often it comes with really learning how to nourish your nervous system because the key to great connection and great intimacy and great sex is feeling safe, feeling connected and knowing that you can open and surrender and you cannot open and surrender without that safety and connection.

Emily Gaudreau (03:42):

So that's huge. That's a huge difference from what I thought was going on. I mean we've kind of talked about this, but for the sake of other peoplem, where before I met you, I was like, okay, that's, that's a whole, that's a whole different, the thing going on. Okay. So how did you get into this in the first place?

Amanda Testa (04:00):

Yeah, that's a great question. So the foundations are important and that, and I think for me, I realized that my own story began when my daughter was, she was just a babe like one.

Amanda Testa (04:12):

And I remember feeling so disconnected for myself. I was doing all the right things. I was working out, I was eating well, know all these things that I was involved in my community and still something deep was missing. And I just realized that one morning I went to the bathroom and I was like tripping over toys. I was so irritated. Just, I was so resentful. The minute I woke up most of the time and I just looked at myself in the mirror and I had zero recollection with that woman that was looking back at me and I was like, what? What's going on? Like what has happened to me. I'm not myself. Like something is not right. And I just promised to follow the breadcrumbs that came across my path to find her again. I was going to find the woman I knew it was there. A deep inside who I am so grateful to who always is there like rooting for me deep down and I feel her and just, you know, allowing her to have more presence and voice in my, in my life. So anyways, I came across this course with my mentor and one of my most amazing teachers, Layla Martin, and it was around working with the Jade egg to kind of work with restoring your pelvic floor health and increasing your sexual desire. And I thought, Oh sure, that can't hurt, that can't hurt. Let me sign up for this. And I remember when I signed up, I was first of all mortified and I thought, Oh my gosh, I have no one as I'm doing. This is so embarrassing. Like, what the hell am I sticking a rock up my vagina?

Emily Gaudreau (05:25):

Literally, sticking a rock in my vagina. (laughing)

Amanda Testa (05:27):

But then I thought, okay, well, It can't hurt so I'll give it a try. And I was amazed at the difference from when I started the course and when I finished it like it was night and day. First of all, I was raped in college. I had a couple of other things that, that you know, were really affecting my sexuality that I didn't realize. And I went to therapy for seven years, which helped a lot, but I realized there was still some deeper lying stuff that was in my body that I never had really worked with. So through this program I just had such healing around that and I just realized it had zero to do with spicing things up in the bedroom. That was a side effect, but it had 100% to do with feeling comfortable in your own body, really understanding the power of our own life force energy and our creative energy and how we can use that to nourish our own systems.

Amanda Testa (06:15):

Like our sexuality is not just about having sex. And I don't think I had that distinction back then. I just thought, Oh, sex is just something you do. You know, it should be enjoyable. Half the time it's not and I just want to please my partner and you know we have to do it. But versus like this is something, this is a space for nourishment, for connection, for expansion. Like my mindset was totally blown and changed and I realized after this I was like, why are we not taught these things as women? Like we are not taught how to have good relationships. We're not taught how to have good sex. We're not taught about our own bodies. We're not taught about our anatomy. It's no wonder we struggle because of the education that we do have is so shame and fear based. So I just realized that that moment, like if this is going to be my life's mission, I want to turn things around. I want to shout this from the mountaintops and help every woman like really understand the power that they have in their bodies and why it's so key to our overall health and wellbeing. Because like anything, our sexual health is a reflection of our overall health. And if we're struggling in that area, there's probably other areas we're struggling in because really our system, you know, it's like restoring the sense of wholeness to the whole, you know, your whole body, your whole being, physically, emotionally, spiritually. So it's really tapping on all those layers

Emily Gaudreau (07:23):

Because don't they say, you know, in regards to your Chakras that that's really like your primal, like your energy comes from. And if you don't have that, I know nothing about chakras obviously, the way I'm talking about it, but I, I'm just visualizing the person sitting cross legged and they have, is it red?

Amanda Testa (07:42):

I love talking about chakras and also understanding that it's a very, you know, there's a million energy centers in our body, but this is kind of a distillation to simplify it for, you know, most people and really if you want to just think about it, they're just energy centers in your body and they're actually, they are important because we can actually install these ourselves. You know, we can install our energy centers, we can fill them with what we want. And so you know you've got your base chakra, your root, and then your sacral shocker, which is like your genitals and your sexual organs and then your solar plexus, your heart, your throat, your third eye and your crown. So the deal with these is, you know if you have a blockage, the theory is if you have a blockage an energy blockage in one of your chakras, then the energy can't flow throughout your whole system.

Amanda Testa (08:30):

And really what you want is this open energetic flow because that enables, you know, your full energy to flow, your full creativity to flow, your full life force energy to flow throughout your system. And you know, often if you'll notice there's often, and I think for people that don't like the woo and they're like, Oh that just makes no sense to me. Just realize you can just use it as a map, right, as a map for understanding certain things about your energy or yourself. If it doesn't resonate, that's fine too. But yes, if you have a lot of blocks or there is a lot of numbness or there's a lot of disconnection, then that's an area where it's important to kind of look and see what's there, like what's underneath all that. Usually there is a reason that these things have come into play, like these are protective barriers that have at some point served us.

Amanda Testa (09:17):

So kind of the more you can embrace all the parts and pieces of yourself, even the ones that you might dislike or that you might want to be gone, they were put in place for a reason and it's really, it was all about protecting you at some point. So kind of realizing that and having a little more empathy for those parts of you understanding truly what they might need to get them on board. And so kind of when you dive in more deeply into the body, you can discover what those may be for you. And often, yes, there there's a lot of blocks down in those lower chakras because that's where so much happens.

Emily Gaudreau (09:46):

It makes sense. Even if you're not, like I said, I don't know a whole lot of shock about chakras, but that is the base of your spine and even neurologically, that makes so much sense. If your hips are out of alignment and you have tightness or the process of elimination or anything is, is that tension and not like the blood flow not going to that base it seems if you don't want to do the chakra thing ,it would affect you all the way up. So what you talked about, you have history of abuse and some stuff you needed to work out there, which seems like a massive hurdle to get through. Or maybe it wasn't, I don't know. But now that you're in the place that you are, what are some of the challenges since the egg that you've had to overcome? I mean, there's other people that are listening. If they hear you say it, they're going to be like, yes, that's me too. Yeah.

Amanda Testa (10:38):

Well, I think, you know, like anyone in a longterm relationship, there are just the challenges of the real, you know, kind of routine and stress of parenting, of all the things that come into your daily life. And I think for me, you know, especially as in the past five years of growing my business and all the stress and time that takes, and my husband is also very involved in his work and there's a lot of stress. So I think for me what the key has been, especially recently is learning like really using my tools to stay in my window of tolerance. And I think, you know, working with my nervous system, really learning what calms my system emotionally, physically, spiritually. Having those tools in place that I can write down and keep it in a place I can see and you know, amplify the times I do those during the day because those simple things are the key in the big picture.

Amanda Testa (11:33):

Like when you can manage your nervous system on a regular basis. And I like to do that through sensual self care, then I'm much more able to respond when it's stressful. How much more able to not freak out over little things I used to lose my shit about, you know, I used to lose my shit probably about 10 times a day about something stupid. Like where the fuck are my keys, dammit. Where are my keys? You know, like, excuse my language. But like that's seriously how it would be or you know, losing it to get my kid out of school on time. You got to stop losing your shit with your kids. Oh yes. I gotta check that book out. Emily. Just held up a great book. So yeah. So I think that's the thing is learning how to keep myself in like my just nervous system taken care of so that I can better deal. And maybe if I was in a less stressful place that would be a different thing going on. But that's really been the thing this past year especially has been a lot of overwhelm that I've had to work through.

Emily Gaudreau (12:22):

So it's you've found, I want to know exactly what you have that's like triggers, reminds you to have sensual self care, but it's not, it's not just about the sex stuff. Like you're actually a better parent.

Amanda Testa (12:36):

Oh my gosh. Yes. It comes into play with everything. I mean I think people think I want to have better sex. I'm going to learn some strategies and some sex tips. That is amazing. And I do encourage that. And you know, usually once, I know that someone has a strong foundation, we move more into sacred sexuality and what are the tools, and I have a great online course around that called Tantra For Lovers. But you know before that you have to be in a place where you have a good foundation. Because if you move into those higher tools without the foundational work, then the traumas are going to be resurfacing and there's going to be all kinds of conflict and you have to be able to deal with those things. So I just want to share that. Well, yes, you can always learn new tools and techniques and I highly encourage you always are expanding your knowledge around it because I think especially in a longterm relationship, that is something that comes up a lot is that the boredom or the routineness of it and realizing that when you kind of look at your sexuality is more than just a place for just pleasure.

Amanda Testa (13:27):

Like porn would teach us, which we can talk more about in a minute. You know, we think it's supposed to look a certain way when you can realize that like this is just a container of life, right? I can cry during sex, I can be angry, I can have things move through my system. I can allow that for my partner. I can, you know, just making it more of a, of an experience that is encompassing everything versus just it's got to look a certain way. Then it does become more fun, more nourishing, more resourcing, more relaxing, more enjoyable and you want to do it more and then over, you know, it's so there's, there also reduces that bordeom in a longterm relationship because you know, there's so much depth there. Like you could work a lifetime on expanding your sexual capacity with one person if you so choose when you look at the depth of your sexuality. Right.

Emily Gaudreau (14:12):

Okay. You dropped the P word. I am. I am the person that if you go to a dinner party and somebody seats you next to me, we will eventually start talking about pornography. So I used to be a photographer for Playboy. So I have and I teach sex abuse prevention and how to keep talk to kids about porn so they don't watch I, my, my mo is to keep kids from watching porn. But

Amanda Testa (14:35):

Yes,

Emily Gaudreau (14:36):

Now we're entering adult world and it's different. There's different things that we need to talk about with pornography. So what is your deal? What's your stance on porn?

Amanda Testa (14:48):

Yeah, and this is a great question and by the way, Emily is awesome and she has an amazing class an online course

Emily Gaudreau (14:54):

Young, Wild and Safe

Amanda Testa (14:55):

Young, wild and safe. It is so good. So you can check that out. I'll share with you how to find her, but I'm not a fan. Here's what I think about porn. I think anything you ingest in a conscious way is great. I think that there is a time where it becomes unconscious, where it's not great. And if you think about how you experienced sex, how you experienced sex with yourself or with a partner. No, you're wiring these things into your neurology. So this is where you create your sexual reality, how you touch yourself. You know, if you, if you're just masturbating to porn really quick or fantasizing or always watching a certain type of porn, you are training your brain and your programming that you can only orgasm one specific way. And also a lot of the things that you're seeing are not realistic.

Amanda Testa (15:40):

They are not something that is, you're going to experience in real relationships with a partner. And so knowing that it's going to really challenge you in partnered sex. So the other thing about that I'll say is that, you know, oftentimes too, we build up a tolerance to the way we do things habitually. So maybe if you watch a certain type of porn, it stops turning you on. So then it has to be more intense and so then that can take it down another road. So I feel like it's really important to kind of undo that patterning, undo that conditioning if you are into habitual porn and if you are someone that you know can consciously watch porn as an adult, then I would say make sure that you're going to a site that's actually ethical, where you know that the people are treated ethically and they're being paid ethically and they're not.

Amanda Testa (16:28):

No, there's so much, so much wrong with the porn industry that, that I do not really believe in supporting it unless you're doing it in a conscious way. And like really being wise about your choices. So, you know, I know that my, my friend Kit has a site called, Oactually.com That has kind of a list of some ethical porn sites. But I just want you to know like whatever you're doing habitually, that's how you're wiring yourself to receive pleasure, to experience pleasure. So just know that if you want to expand your capacity for pleasure in your own body and in your relationship and being able to experience that with a partner, kind of taking a break from porn will be very beneficial for you.

Emily Gaudreau (17:03):

Okay. So here's I love, I love the idea of conscious consumption because we do it on so many other spaces in our lives and it seems like when it comes to pornography, and I guess its because a lot of it's free and people just don't, they just take what they're given instead of going, okay, well let me really think about what I'm doing here. They, they're just out for the quick hit. So let's talk about masturbation. So this is interesting. Years and years ago I met this woman in Thailand and she, I believe she was teaching tantric yoga, and I don't remember a lot, but I remember her saying that masturbation is a waste of that vital primal energy. But she also said, you know, not to sleep in the same bed with another person because you're, you know, releasing that energy or taking that energy on. That's what it was. So tell me, what's your, what's your stance on masturbation now that we got the, the P word out there? Okay, let's go. This is another great question.

Amanda Testa (18:08):

So I, you know, there is some philosophies where like in the Taoist philosophy, there's the theory around being able to have an orgasm without ejaculation for a man. Because if you ejaculate, there's like a formula there, which, you know, you can take it or leave it, but you know, the more they ejaculate, the more they're expending their life force energy. And the same with women. However, I disagree because I think when you learn how to work with your sexual energy and when you really learn, the true nature of a lot of these ancient philosophies, it's around cultivating your life force energy and using it for yourself. So I love masturbation, sacred self pleasure. I like to call it self pleasure because masturbation, I don't like the, the, the origin of that word is like to deface with one's hand, which I don't believe when you're touching yourself in a loving way that you're doing any harm to your own body.

Amanda Testa (18:54):

And I think that's the number one thing, like reframing that like you are mindfully and lovingly touching and bringing pleasure to your body. Love, connection, acceptance. So when you do that to yourself, you're going to experience that more in your partnerships. So it's really key I think in doing everything with more intention, especially around your sexuality. And yes, we're humans. If you want occasionally to have your quick little thing with your vibrator, great. But if you want to really expand your sexual experiences, if you do that every time, you're never going to be able to have an orgasm with your partner without, without a vibrator.

Emily Gaudreau (19:25):

So, so no, no, go on the vibrator.

Amanda Testa (19:28):

Not no go, but just not all the time because there's no way a natural, so natural like penis and vagina sex are you going to get that same type of stimulation as vibrator is going to give you. So the more you like resensitize other areas and you realize your clitoris is not just that little pearl that you see on the end, there's like a, it's kinda like a wishbone that goes down underneath, which most people don't even aware. Most women, sadlt, are not aware of their own sexual anatomy. There was a recent study that like 44% of women couldn't correctly identify their anatomy when shown. That's because we weren't taught. It's no fault of your own ladies. I would highly recommend Women's Anatomy of Arousal by Sherry Winston. It's a great book on learning your own anatomy, highly recommended reading for every single human out there, male or female, so you have a better understanding of what you're working with. So anyways, I lost my train of thought for a bit. Where was I?

Emily Gaudreau (20:15):

Clitoris

Amanda Testa (20:16):

Oh yes. So that, you know, yeah, there's a lot more to it than just that one little piece. So the more also that you can sensitize different areas of your, your body, you know, you can actually have orgasms throughout your whole body. So it's not just that one clitoral like genital sneeze type of orgasm. It's more of like a full bodied energetic experience.

Emily Gaudreau (20:35):

So you can actually increase the sensitivity. Because I know that I know what the clitoris looks like with the wishbone situation, but you can actually get the other parts to activate through training.

Amanda Testa (20:48):

Yes.

Emily Gaudreau (20:49):

Which makes sense. Cause that's why you like don't just specifically your training all week, there's all this whole theme of this is don't, don't train the wrong way.

Amanda Testa (20:57):

Yeah, exactly. So that's kinda the key. You know, when I work with people, we work on the base foundation and then when they're ready to move into these advanced tools, we move into these because I do think they're important. You know? And, and again, it's something that I just have amazing catalogs of meditations and videos and all the tools that you would need. You do them on your own and then we kind of dive in deeper about what comes up around them or you know, really the teachings behind it so that you can really get a big understanding of what, what's going on there.

Emily Gaudreau (21:26):

This is so cool because it's in just in our world, you know, with alcohol and different things, we're trying to find pleasure through external processes or products. And it makes, it's just so cool to know that we can get that. We've got it. Like we've got all the gear and even if we're not finding it right now, we can work with somebody like you that can turn, turn that on. Yeah, that's with us. And that's ours. That's so fun. Fun. That sounds awesome. I want a full body orgasm!

Amanda Testa (21:58):

Yes. Right. It's, and it's something that most of us aren't aware that's even possible for us. And that's why I think it's so important to talk about and educate because I see so many women and couples really struggling. I mean, cause it, let me tell you the truth of that situation where you are feeling so alone, so unfulfilled, so isolated when there's a warm body lying right next to you in the bed. Mmm. And if you're in a relationship where you're not sexually fulfilled, it is a deal breaker.

Amanda Testa (22:27):

A lot of the times, you know, people don't put as much importance on it, but it's a huge deal. I see so many people struggling deeply. You know, they feel deeply at their root, unworthy or unloved because their partner can't make love to them or doesn't, or you know, the affairs and porn addiction that happens because there's no connection, sexual connection. So it's a primal need that we have as humans and there's a lot of potential around it. But know, if you're struggling in that area, that there is help available because it does affect every area of our lives. So much.

Emily Gaudreau (23:00):

You and I have talked about this before. Kids who are living in homes that aren't with both of their birth parents are 20 times more likely to be sexually abused. So this is, you don't even think about, you think about infidelity or divorce or whatever, but this is like a radiating serious effect when you are not having great sex. And you repeat that statistic, what you just said. Again, kids who are not living with both birth parents are 20 times more likely to be sexually abused. Hmm. So even more than if they are in foster homes. Oh my gosh. Because other partners are being brought in and various other things. But it took me years for, for years, I thought it was the other way around. I thought it was 10 times more likely

Emily Gaudreau (23:45):

And foster kids were 20 and I think that my brain just wasn't able to compute what was going on. And then I recently saw it again. I'm like, what? How have I, how have I gotten that wrong? That's insane. Yeah,

Amanda Testa (23:58):

That's crazy.

Emily Gaudreau (23:59):

So having great sex and staying with your partner and is huge. Huge, huge, huge.

Amanda Testa (24:06):

Yeah. And realizing that there is so much potential there, you know, oftentimes we don't think it's fun. It feels like it to do when we're very stressed out and busy. But there's ways to shift that and it doesn't have to be hard and can be be simple, easy shifts. That's why I always say simple and easy because I realize in the big picture after doing this work for so long, that's what makes the changes.

Emily Gaudreau (24:27):

It's also, it reminds me as well of, you know how they say we only use 10% of our brain. It's like we're only using 10% of our sexuality. Even potentially if you have a good sex life, yes, you may only be operating at 10%

Amanda Testa (24:42):

Cause even people are like, Oh we have great sex. I'm like, awesome. I am excited for you. And did you know you could even have even better sex? Did you know you can have orgasms? You can have orgasms all over in different parts of your body. Right. We could tell we could talk, we could go down all kinds of rabbit holes. But yeah, so, so I, this is,

Emily Gaudreau (24:58):

This came up the other day, I was out to dinner with a very good friend of mine who is single. She's out doing the apps and all this, you know, she's on the dating scene and she told me nobody uses condoms anymore and she is not using condoms. And I like what, I mean, I don't, I can't comprehend that, but she, she said, no, it doesn't feel good. Dah, dah, dah.

Amanda Testa (25:23):

Okay. First of all, I will say, I think this has a lot to do with a women not valuing like just the people in general, not, not valuing themselves because that's what I, that's a safety discussion. That should really be happening before sexual encounters because yes, you should be able to have sex with whoever you want to have sex with. Casual sex is fine, but it should be safe. And I think a lot of times people are afraid, are too afraid to share their sexual history or if they have an STI, to share about that and so they just don't, and there's a lot, I don't work as many as much with dating couples because I mean I don't work work, excuse me, as much with people dating because I really specialize kind of in more longterm relationships but I do have some great colleagues that are specifically dating coaches, but I will say it's a big issue of having,

Amanda Testa (26:05):

Okay. This is one of my other amazing mentors, Rachael Maddox talks about this and how one of our core needs is feeding our little soul seed, like our basic needs, right? And there's a big need for safety and oftentimes we don't feel comfortable A. Knowing what it is we want, 2. Having the courage to ask for it and three, receiving it. So safe sex being number one, that you are going to be respected and that your no is going to be respected and that there's consent and that it's safe and that there will be a condom if you're concerned about STIs, you know you need to be able to speak that, speak those needs, because the more you can relax, those brakes are going to shut down because if in the back of your head you're afraid you're going to get an STI because your partner is not using condom, then that's going to shut down the pleasure. Right. So anyways, I think it's just a not feeling comfortable talking about it.

Emily Gaudreau (26:51):

Yeah. So it's a safety issue, but it's also not being able to experience your full capacity

Amanda Testa (27:00):

As well. Right.

Emily Gaudreau (27:01):

I thought that was fascinating. Yeah, so we stopped the waiter and she goes, I'll never see you again. Do you use condoms? And he looked at her. He goes, yeah, of course. He was like, I dunno, like I'm not from here. Is that weird? Is that going to be weird if I bring out a condom? I'm like, no, you can do it. You can do it. Yes.

Amanda Testa (27:24):

But I'm a big fan of safe. I'm a big fan of safety because that's what makes great sexual experiences. Right? Yeah. And if you enjoy, you know, even all kinds of different ways like kink and all those things, there's such safety in that there's a lot of safety in those communities when you find the right ones. So

Emily Gaudreau (27:42):

Do you think that that is a result of the influence of porn?

Amanda Testa (27:47):

I don't know how common that is. Not using, not using condoms. Yeah. I don't know. I don't, I really couldn't tell you

Emily Gaudreau (27:53):

Because it seems like that's a theme in pornography is not using, I mean, there's never any condoms. And just from the research that I've done of the communitys there and different outbreaks that they've had talking about like unethical working standards, but all right. Very interesting. So tell me about your tantric course, your, you have a course. Tell me about that.

Amanda Testa (28:17):

Yes. So I have a few online courses and the one that I'm really excited about because it is Valentine's day coming up and it's February, I always feel like it's a good time. People are like, what are some unique things I could do? Like what can I get my partner? How can we make something like out of the, besides just going out to dinner, right?

Emily Gaudreau (28:31):

So I'm buying one right now. That's a great idea.

Amanda Testa (28:34):

So this course is, it's actually 10 modules where it's about teaching you the basics of sacred sexuality and really the holistic tools that enable you to have a better sex life. And it's meant for couples that are in healthy relationships that are wanting to take it to the next level. Or if they're curious to explore like maybe our sex life is kind of boring. How can we make it better? Right? Or maybe they're feeling a little disconnected and don't know how to bring that back. So this is a great way to do it. And it's very safe and easy step in the door. And you know, one of my, I just finished taking the beta testers all through and one of the, one of my clients is like, Oh, you know, my husband's not into this woowoo stuff at all. But he was really able to kind of get around some of that. We woo stuff to really focus on the practical, which there's a lot of, and you know, anatomy and all the kinds of things that just are important to learn, but just that they're just simple techniques that help you be able to be present and connect. And I love the sacred sexuality of bringing that divine into your relationship and how finding the divinity in everything, even sexuality, that's a huge thing. That is just like the consciousness in everything. And really how you are a part of that. And when you bring that into your relationship, it just brings a whole nother level of depth. If you're choosing to go there. And if you want to just learn a couple of new tools, you'll learn those too.

Emily Gaudreau (29:53):

Nice. You know, I love the, it's you and I have a very similar perspective in that I am like Baptist, Christian girl, right. And I believe that sex is a gift. Absolutely a gift from God. He even says so. It's like, it's like in the very beginning of the Bible and it's like one of the most basic things to enjoy. It's fundamental and it is absolutely God's gift to us.

Amanda Testa (30:23):

I agree. And I think it's moving sex from something that's shameful to something that's sacred.

Emily Gaudreau (30:29):

Right.

Amanda Testa (30:30):

And when you have that view, it just opens depths and worlds of expansion and energy and all kinds of goodness.

Emily Gaudreau (30:40):

Yeah. And I love it cause I tell people, I'm like, don't let this be taken away from you. Something is stealing from you. And from, you know, I speak in churches all the time and that really hits home with people, you know, just, I love that we're on the same page with that I just do it from a totally different perspective. Right.

Amanda Testa (30:59):

But still, it's true. Yeah. Yeah. Good. Isn't the song of Solomon all around like sex and how amazing it is.

Emily Gaudreau (31:07):

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. So anyways, yeah. So, so what else, what else is I want to know what, okay, this is my question for you. What do you have sitting around you right now? Like you, you were talking about little triggers that you have. What does, what are those? Cause I'm totally gonna copy you. Oh my gosh. If I want to be you. Okay. So this is my first stage.

Amanda Testa (31:33):

Well, I have an amazing space that my dear friend Tiffany Joseph's helped me curate it because she is a med magical human. So I have, you know, my desk even, you know, I like, I like this ring. It just reminds me to tap into my pleasure. It's my clitoris ring that I wear and I have, you know, some crystals, over here that I love. There's like orange calcite, it's all good for your sensuality, some citrine for success. And I have my my Sage here that I'd like to use to clear in between meetings. And then I have the happy laughing Buddah statue. That was my grandmothers that I love that just, it's just right every here to just bringing in the joy and yeah. And then I have my, this beautiful like space over here that's like my practice area where I do my practices and where I do when I am teaching. That's my backdrop for when I'm holding live classes. And then I have a beautiful image over there. Of this amazing sensyal naked woman on my wall, a picture, I mean it's everywhere is like a feast for the eyes in here. I'm a very much of a sensual person, so I've even got like my nice soft faux lambskin I'm sitting on and yeah, I'm all about the, I'm all about the sensual pleasures

Emily Gaudreau (32:38):

On a daily basis you're like, I love it. I love it. And as we're speaking about this, I just watched season two of sex education is out, you know,

Amanda Testa (32:50):

I actually have watched a few episodes. It's so funny and so good. I need to watch the whole thing. I,

Emily Gaudreau (32:54):

It's my guilty pleasure. It's like nobody's getting hurt. Nobody's getting shot. It's not violent. It's, yeah, it's hilarious considering what you and I both do. Yeah. I just, if you haven't seen sex education, please check it out. Yeah.

Amanda Testa (33:10):

Awesome. And I actually, it was funny because I realized I was going to do kind of a, a recap on the goop lab episode of the pleasure is ours, which I don't know if you've seen, but Gwyneth Paltrow has this documentary on Netflix around just different alternative healing modalities and, but what I do, I don't believe, I mean I don't agree with everything, but I do love the fact that she's bringing this into the mainstream and that, you know, people don't understand their anatomy. Even when Gwyneth Paltrow was calling your vulva, your vagina, I mean like the vagina is the internal canal. The vulva is the external genitalia. Like it's people, it's not your vagina. Teach your children. This like, as Emily will tell you, it's so important to understand your own anatomy and teach your children their anatomy. So a, that they're empowered around it. And B, that they, you know, they have pride, right? How many women out there call their vulva a flower or down there and how many boys call their penis a penis, right? It's like learning your anatomy is what the first step to like having pride and confidence and ownership of your body. So,

Emily Gaudreau (34:10):

Well, I want to expand on this because I had this discussion the other day is that even in the feminist world, when they have like the uterus, like flipping people off and stuff like that, they exclude the external female genitalia in their diagrams. It is not included anywhere and calling it the vagina is like calling, you're pointing to your lips and calling it your throat. It's not correct. It's not right. And they're like, Oh, I'm just going to do it. And I'm like, how about you not? How about you just give them the right information and it is eliminating all the pleasure organs yes. Yes. It's like just reproductive and the word vagina means sheath for a knife, right? Yeah. [inaudible] come on, I just, it, I get so much pushback on it and I'm like, yeah, you could do that or you could just be correct. And like you would never call your lips your throat, right to a child. No. That's weird and confusing. And why would you exactly. And we don't call penises urethras

Amanda Testa (35:12):

Exactly.

Emily Gaudreau (35:14):

Yes. We're so on the same page. Thank you Emily.

Amanda Testa (35:18):

So key and this is what I love. Like we, what I would love and what I love about Emily's work, it's like it's helping parents teach children because really that's where it starts and the only way we can make a different world is like starting with kids. And so really we, I work with a lot of the people at the end of the spectrum who are trying to reclaim it as an adult and I'm hope is that the more women that are empowered, the more they are going to be different examples for their kids. The more different relationships will show, like the possibility of what's possible for kids and that they see healthy relationships and they see healthy families. That's truly at the root of what I do is because I have this huge mission to see a million happy pleasure turned on women like really in their power and their relationships flourishing because they being in their full power enables their partner to be in their full power, which enables their family to be in their full power and their kids, to be in their full power. And that to me means that they're totally safe and comfortable in their bodies, that they feel safe and confident in stating their boundaries and upholding their boundaries, asking for what they need and fully receiving it. And you know, those are key things.

Emily Gaudreau (36:23):

It's quality of life. This is basic quality of life stuff. Yeah, it really is. You're amazing, man does amazing you guys. You know that because you listened to her podcast. But yeah.

Amanda Testa (36:35):

Emily, thank you so, so much. It's been such a fun conversation. Anytime, anytime I'll come up with some more questions too. Beautiful. Well, and also I want you to [inaudible] tell everyone where they can find you because you're up to amazing work.

Emily Gaudreau (36:47):

Yeah. So I have a podcast called how to raise a Maverick which is about raising kids with work ethic, grit and empathy. But also, you know, like we just recorded episode with Amanda on it about being a Maverick and all the things that we need to do for ourselves as parents to raise good kids too. And young wild and safe if you just Google youngwildandsafe, that is my online course where I use analogies in nature to teach kids how to be safe and also how to talk to kids about pornography in super simple ways. So if you were like, Ooh, about talking to your kids about sex and any of that stuff, this is so for you it's like hitting the easy button. Yes. Yeah. So that's me, Emily Gaudream, young wild and safe or how to raise Maverick, Google, either of those.

Amanda Testa (37:36):

Yay. Yay. So much. And thank you everyone for listening and we will look forward to seeing you next week.

Amanda Testa (37:44):

Bye. Thank you so much for listening to the find your feminine fire podcast. This is your host, Amanda Testa. And if you have felt a calling while listening to this podcast to take this work to a deeper level, this is your golden invitation to invite you to reach out. You can contact me at amandatesta.com/activate. You can have a heart to heart to discuss more about how this work can transform your life. You can also join us on Facebook in my group, Find your Feminine Fire Group. And if you've enjoyed this podcast, please share with your friends, go to iTunes and give me a five star rating and a raving review so I can connect with other amazing listeners like yourself. Thank you so much for being a part of the community.

What does it mean to be sexually self aware?  Tune into this week's episode as I talk with Dr. Alexandra Solomon about how to own your sexuality and create the relationships you want. 

Dr. Alexandra Solomon is a clinical assistant professor in the Department of Psychology at Northwestern University, a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, and a passionate believer in the life-changing power of love.  

Find her new book, Taking Sexy Back, How to Own Your Sexuality & Create the Relationships You Want HERE.In her book, she offers a powerful and holistic approach to help you reclaim your sexuality, communicate your desires, draw boundaries, be safe, and build the satisfying relationships you truly want. Follow her on Insta or FB, and check out her website here.

Thank you for listening!  If you enjoyed this podcast, please subscribe HERE, leave a rave review and share with your friends

Please join in the discussion on this episode and more in my free Facebook Group, Find Your Feminine Fire HERE.

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Transcript

Amanda: 00:01 Hello and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire Podcast. I am your host Amanda Testa. I am a Sex Love and Relationship coach and in this podcast my guests and I talk sex, love and relationships and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome.

Amanda: 00:20 Today we are going to be diving into sexual self awareness and taking sexy back, and what that really means and I am so excited today to be talking to Dr. Alexandra Solomon. She is a clinical assistant professor in the department of psychology at Northwestern University, a licensed clinical therapist at the Family Institute at Northwestern and a passionate believer in the life changing power of love. And she has just written an amazing new book called Taking Sexy Back. I'm so thrilled to dive into today. So welcome and thank you so much for being here today.

Alexandra: 00:52 Thanks Amanda for having me on. I'm excited to talk to you.

Amanda: 00:55 Yes. So I'd love to kind of just start with what you know, inspired you to write this book. Really what kind of led you, you know, you've, this is your second book. And so yeah, tell me a little bit more about that.

Speaker 3: 01:06 Yes. You know, it's so funny. So being my second book, I now have a point of comparison and I feel like my first book I chose to write, I chose to write Loving Bravely. I feel like this book chose to be written by me. And it's sort of sounds strange to say, but there was a threshold I crossed where I was spending more energy suppressing what this book was communicating to me. That, and it just was like, okay, fine, we'll just proceed and I will just listen to you and what you are wanting to say. So that was a really different kind of entry point into the, the really intense experience that any writing journey is for, you know, for a writer.

Amanda: 01:45 Right. And I love how, you know, it just needed to be written through you

Alexandra: 01:50 And it, you know, I think that the bigger backstory is that I've been a couples therapist and a relationship educator for two decades now and I do that, you know, so I'm like, as you said, a couples therapist and I teach an undergraduate relationship course at Northwestern, I train graduate students and then I translate all of that to the general public in different ways. And what I was really struck by is how, how much are conversations about love? We'll put things like conflict and communication in the foreground and the erotic in the background. And I had gotten feedback over the years, especially from my students about, you know, and when we look at how we all come up, like sort of the ethos that we all come up in around sexuality, it's very sex negative or it's a lot of silence or it's a lot of messages that are really fear loaded.

Alexandra: 02:41 And so over the years I would, my college students would say to me like, this is a really different way of talking about sex. Like what we're doing in your class is talking about sex in a really different way. One of my male students said to me last year, the year before, like this is the first time I've talked about sex where it isn't like paired, you know, sex and disease or sex and danger and that he was really aware of how much those two had really been paired for him. And when we do that, we are limiting, right? What's what's possible and we're moving through the world with a lot of shame. It's a completely understandable as you know and the work that you do

Amanda: 03:14 Well, because so much of our sex education is so based in fear and there's not a lot of sex positivity or, well, thankfully that's starting to slowly change, but really kind of understanding that sex can be more than just sex. And so I kind of want to dive into that because I know, I love how you call it self-aware sex. And so I'd love if you share a little bit more about what that term means.

Alexandra: 03:36 Yes, so the big umbrella here is relational self-awareness. So my, the kind of like compass North and all of the work that I do is inviting people into awareness of what relationships, especially here we're talking about intimate relationships, what they stir awaken within them, right? We know that that is, it's really easy and intimate relationships to get locked into either a blaming stance right where I am. It's really easy for me to talk about how if you would be different, this would go differently or it's really easy to feel as if I'm the one screwing it all up, right? That's the sort of the blame sequence or that sort of like shame spiral and it's really easy to get locked into that like linear way of thinking. So Loving Bravely is really, that was sort of my first effort at fleshing out a more systemic way of looking at relational patterns as well as looking at how powerfully we bring in all of the roles and messages that we grew up with. We just bring them into our intimate partnerships and so what we're doing in this new book is just tightening up the lens and looking at, okay, how does, like what is the story that lives inside of you about sexuality? And it's basically the book is kind of couples therapy for the reader. The relationship between the reader and their sexual self and even that's kind of a radical idea potentially is like, I have a sexuality that is mine. Of course is sex is a thing that I either do, or don't do like or don't like want or don't want. It's a different way, a different entry point right around like what is the relationship between me and my sexual self?

Amanda: 05:14 I love that so much because I think like you mentioned earlier, so many people when they think about sex, they just think our sexuality, they think about just the act of sex, but it's so much deeper than that. I love how in your book you really kind of go into more detail about that. You know, it's an inside out versus an outside in thing. So I love if you would share a little bit more about that because you know, really kind of talking the difference between sex and sexuality, sexualized, you know, and be sexual and all those terms. Because I think sometimes people get those all confused or just don't really kind of understand how the lay of the land is with regards to sexuality.

Alexandra: 05:47 Right, right, right, right. I so this, this book was written definitely with like female socialization much more in the foreground, right? Like it's, it's, the research has that the places where that like very rigid gender role conditioning plays out most powerfully is around sex dating intimacy, right. The messaging around women are, men are women, should men should. And so even for people who now live in a space that is beyond a gender binary, nearly everybody had a chapter of their life where they were completely inundated with messages about sex that were based on the body they lived in. And without awareness, we are just kind of like acting out this idea that like whatever a nice girl shouldn't or good girls don't or it's greedy to ask for whatever. So in this book we're really honing in on what are those messages that you internalize? What's that outside in conception that you have of your sexuality based on what your church told you, your family told you, your school told you, pornography told you. Because we have been swallowing those messages and they've shaped how we experience ourselves and they limit what's possible for us. And so this process is like where are you blocked? Where would you mind to find your flow? Right. And reestablish a bit more possibility. Flexibility. And so that's what the book does. It's like journey through these different arenas where you might not even know because, because it just is girls, you know, women, fake orgasms, like that is a capital T truth because that was what the world told me. That's what I saw in pornography. That's what I believed. That's just what happens. So I don't even know to question that because it's just, it's just ubiquitous. It don't even, the idea of even questioning, wait, why do I fake orgasms? What does about what story does that reflect that lives within me and do I want that story? What's, how am I shift that story?

Amanda: 07:38 Yeah, I think that's powerful. And you know, we could talk, we could go and deep around like the patriarchy and how that affects us in sexuality. I always say this too because you know, even in leadership you see so many less women, CEOs and even I will go to these conferences where super successful women are up on the stage. It's still something I feel like you can tell. I feel like you can tell women who are really embracing their full sexuality as a realm of their whole versus those that are not. And I think about with men too, because if they had been , raised their whole lives being told their penises were, they didn't even have a name for it, you know, they would probably have a lot less confidence. I mean I really think it goes very deeply as you know as well.

Alexandra: 08:20 Well, and I mean to just extend that, I think we are having a bit more conversation in the workplace about you know, we bring our full selves to work, right? Whether we want to or not. Our sexual self comes into our offices with us it. But the only way we talk about that is like in terms of like human resources, trainings about sex, you know, sexual harassment. And thank God in this "me too" era, we are having more critical conversations about intersections of power and gender and rape culture. And all of this is so important to unearth. But now like, okay, so what if we, how do we actually ground our sexual self? Right? So the sexual self comes into work, but it's grounded. It's not like quaranined off with like big danger tape because we know whatever we put in the corner and shame, we just energize, righ? We give it more energy, we give it more power to come out and really unhealthy ways. So what does a full embracing of I am a sexual being. I am at work, therefore this part comes forward. This part hangs back. But I don't need to kind of chop myself into bits. And that's, that's how we create a healthier, I think a healthier work environment. And as you're saying, a bit more of a full bodied leadership, right? For women leaders to be able to really connect with like these feminine sources of knowing feminine sources of energy. It's very powerful and it's something we've been ever taught to do,. In fact, we've been shamed for doing that. Right. It's very risky.

Amanda: 09:47 That's so true. And that's why I think so many women do hold back also because of fear of what might happen or you know, it's just that cultural environment that we've been shrouded in our entire lives. But I love that now we have the opportunity to really educate ourselves and learn more about how to use this part of ourselves as part of the whole. And really, you know, I love how you say too, and I totally agree. You know, it's way more than just the physical act of sex. It's really about accessing all these different aspects of who we are. Our creativity and our aliveness, and all these things. And so I really love how in your book, you know, you have the beautiful map of really kind of like the seven layers, if you will, of sexuality. So will you share a little bit more about that if you don't mind?

Alexandra: 10:28 Yes. So that, well one of my favorite things about this book was was was commissioning art. I had never in my life, you know, worked with an artist to create, to take my left brain way of thinking about this stuff and have her translate it into something that's very right brain and creative. And even that, you know, I grew up in the ivory tower, right? I have been Northwestern trained, I have been an academic. I have walked that walk like I know those rules. And so in some ways feels even like an expansion, a risk to say actually I'm going to create a book that has art in it that's really like round and soft and feminine art in it. Because I want, mostly it's because I want my reader to feel really invited, right? Like this is, I want her to feel connected, invited, and held. And so I wanted to like make sure that there's lots of different ways that I'm communicating. Like, we're in this together. This is really hard. You have stuff that lives inside of you that you didn't, you didn't ask for. So that even like that sort of allowing there to be a fullness of art as we move through these seven layers, which basically the seven layers are right, these different realms as a cultural realm, this sort of mental or mind, there's emotion, there's the physical realm, spiritual relationship realm. Oh. And then the developmental realm. So these are just, they're actually, they're just mirrors for my clinical work. Like the way that I've been trained as a clinician way I work as a clinician is through an integrative approach. So I'm basically sitting with my client or my couple and I'm looking at what are the domains where where things are blocked, where there's blockage, where there is constraint, where there's limits, and then how do we work on that. So in, so in that way, the map is an expansion of, or a reflection of how I think about our lives, which is we need to look at these different, like the idea that there is health within us, but the health gets blocked. And so how do we locate the block and lift the block is how I work as a clinician. So my book ended up being a reflection of that. We're blocked in different ways. Like for example, the spiritual chapter. So I had this great team of graduate and undergraduate students writing with me. And so the spiritual chapter, so I had one, one of the gals on my team that chapter like really struck her, right because she was raised in a Catholic family, went to Catholic church. And so she had a lot, like the relationship between she and her sexuality was triangulated with her relationship with God. You know, like those things were just really tied together. I had another student who grew up in mainland China and didn't have, she didn't grow up with any kind of spiritual life. So that chapter was like cool, like she could got it, but it wasn't a place where she needed to really unpack or heal. You know, her big meaningful work was in a different chapter of the book.

Amanda: 13:15 Yeah, that makes sense. And I love how you said, I just want to re phrase this because I think it's so key as that we all have that original blueprint of health that wants to express. So it's like realizing that there's nothing broken about you. It's just like all those blockages, like you say, they get put on us and sometimes we just need help figuring out how to unblock those.

Alexandra: 13:34 Is that how you think about your work with your

Amanda: 13:36 I do. I truly, because I do feel like, you know, I think we do have that, I like to call it original essence within us that really wants us to flourish and thrive. But I like how you know, like you say, everyone has different experiences and there's different things that maybe they want to work through or where their blocks are. So I really think that's what's such a beautiful thing about your book as a tool for healing and just understanding because it's so clearly laid out. And I do agree it, even reading it, I felt so held. I love the illustrations. So I think it's just so, it makes it feel very safe and doable to go about this work, which can be like you say, very challenging and bring up so much.

Alexandra: 14:13 Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and the other thing is that, you know, with anything when, when I'm talking about self-awareness or this, you know, self-work, it can't possibly be a one and done because whatever we think we got figured out when we were 25 and single, it's going to look very different when we're 45 and the mother of children, you know, or I'm 65 and an a, you know, different, whole, different relationship with body, with energy, with giving, having any apps to give, you know, kind of permission. I think that comes with, you know, aging and whatever. But whatever that journey to kind of like relate to it as a journey, right? That there isn't really a done point. There's just noticing, you know, this used to be easy and now it's hard or this used to be hard and now it's easy or this didn't really crossed my mind and now it's very present for me. So I think that's, I think sometimes people think that like I have to just do this work and then eat done, you know, or it's a problem to be solved versus it's kind of an ongoing unfolding. I love how you share that cause I think, you know, it is a practice of just the journey. Like you say, there is no end point. And I think sometimes people can get frustrated. They're like, Oh well I've dealt with this and why has this still going on? But realizing, you know, there's just different layers that are ready to be integrated and knowing that the easier you can accept that life is a journey in general. You have lifetime. At one of my recent gals, I interviewed IsA Herrera, she said this and I loved it. You know, we have lifetime access to our bodies. You have lifetime access. There's no rush.I think that's just something I loved pointing that out too. So thank you for sharing that.

Alexandra: 15:47 That's so sweet. Well I love it. If this was happening in a conversation about body, it's like even that's a radical idea, isn't it? Like the lifetime access to this body that we live in and what a difference position that is. Like it's a position of like honor in relation to our bodies versus, I think so often, I mean I know from the time I was eight years old, my relationship with my body was that it was something that needed to be managed, right? I was dieting at eight years old. So my first experience of my physicality was that it was at risk of being out of control and it needed to be maintained and managed. And that's a very different template, right? To just be like this, I get to have the experience of living in this body and unfolding. Why.

Amanda: 16:30 Yeah, I know I can relate to that experience. And I have a seven year old. So you know, I think like you say when kids come along you have different realizations to maybe things that were your life at those ages. Yeah. So you know, once you kind of get a better understanding and self awareness around sexuality, I'm curious how you feel like that, you know, leads to more fulfilling relationships because it's also tied together. Can you share a little bit more around that?

Alexandra: 16:56 So in the book, you know, we didn't, we made no presumptions about the relationship status of the reader. Right? So there is a way in which it's sort of separate and apart from whether or not one is partnered or not partnered and still where we are vis-a-vis our sexuality is certainly shaped by our relationship status. So what somebody who is in year 20 of a sexually monogamous relationship reading this book is going to have a different experience than somebody who's in the dating world reading this book, you know, and I guess one if like the idea of sort of questioning why is it this way? Like I had this aha moment where I was talking with the graduate student and she had a question and her question started with like, you know the, you know, the sex that you have to have when you're single and looking for a partner and it's like really lousy and then it gets better once you're in a relationship. And that was like the premise, the like that wasn't the question, right? That was the premise or the question about that. And we just kind of pause and like, you know, hit rewind on the tape and kind of unpacked that. Like what is like, you know, whose, whose story is that that a woman must endure a single woman, a dating woman, a woman looking for partnership, must endure lousy sex in order to cross the threshold into a place where she could have good sex. Like that's a presumption that I want us to be able to invite questioning around. It doesn't have to be that way and why. And you know, and what else might be possible, but it makes total sense how we end up with those sorts of paradigms. When we had this idea that women give, women give sex to get love and men give love to get sex, you know, whatever those like ridiculous binary stereotypic notions are. That's how those ideas come to come to be. And we just kind of ended up like internalizing them and then acting them out unquestioningly, even therapists.

Amanda: 18:46 Right. Well and I think like with any relationship, it starts with the relationship with yourself, you know? And so that's part of it.

Alexandra: 18:56 Yes. I think that, I think some of this work can be done in the context of a really beautiful intimate partnership, but there are pieces of this work that may need to be done. Just on her own. Like I think especially in the book we write, I wrote pretty openly about masturbation and that's a topic that we don't, maybe we're talking about, you know, a bit more now than we used to. Certainly. I, in my clinical training was never really talked about. A sex therapist though are very sex therapists do a beautiful job of talking about the role of masturbation, especially for women, especially for those who survived trauma. Like just to be able to establish presence with one's own body, just to be able to explore and experience, touch and kind of follow sensation. There may need to be some time where even in a loving relationship, you know, one says one partner like, I need you to back up. I need you to back up. I need some time and space to just ground myself in me. That way I know how to invite you in.

Amanda: 19:59 I see that a lot. I work with a lot of couples in longterm relationships and I think something that, that will happen there. You know, maybe they've been having sex a certain way all these years and when you finally tune into your body, like, I don't like that. And I've said yes when I've met no way too many times. Yeah. And, and so, you know, you need some time to like re reboot yourself in a way.

Alexandra: 20:19 I love that reboot is very neutral, right? It's not a, you know, I don't need to be fixed. I don't need, you didn't do anything wrong. I just need to reboot. And I think part of the challenge with a heterosexual script, if we're talking about a woman's journey and her partner is a man, if her realization is I've said yes when I really met no, it's really hard for him to hear that. It's really understandable how that could spike defensiveness, right? Because no man wants to experience as creepy or predatory or dangerous or taking advantage of the woman he loves. And so we, I wrote a chapter in this book towards the end for men because I want, I know that when you make a change in one part of a system, it shakes up the whole system, right? We know that we are, and a couple is a little ecology at the system.

Alexandra: 21:09 And so if she's like, Holy shit, I have been thinking about orgasms or agreeing to stuff that doesn't feel good, or I have this thing I actually kind of want to explore, I want her partner to be able to hold that space without defensiveness because he also grew up in this same Stu. And he also was given all kinds of messages about his performance and you know, and how much his sense of worth hinges upon whether he's received by a woman, whether he gives a woman an orgasm, all this kind of stuff that's problematic on his end. But if we're bringing her challenges to the foreground, I want him to be able to bear witness to that rather than, yeah, but you didn't, you never, why don't you, you know?

Amanda: 21:51 Yeah. And I wouldn't, I wouldn't necessarily say saying that's flat out to your partner, but you know, just kind of when you have that realization about yourself. But I do feel, you know, like just kind of jumping back a moment to the masturbation and I, I love the term of self-pleasure around that because you know, I think for so many people out there that again, there's a lot of shame around that. So just kind of, I love how in the book you call it, you know, a couples therapy for you and your vulva or just like re-establish and like, what is my anatomy? Like really learning about it because so many women aren't even familiar with their own anatomy and that's understandable. But a lot of we're just not. And so just even taking that time to understand what's happening, like really becoming familiar with your body on all ways and like what you like and what feels good, so you can then share that with your partners. So, and I'm curious too, because in your opinion, you know, what kind of things do you think help women, you know, communicate that or make these decisions around their sexuality about what feels good and how to communicate that with their partner?

Alexandra: 22:50 Right, right, right, right. Well, one thing, one thing we know is that mindfulness is really helpful, right? When we talk, you cannot, you literally can not go to a therapy conference any longer without there being something about mindfulness, mindfulness and couples, mindfulness and eating disorders. You know, all of this and it's, it is beautiful. And I think sometimes we act like we're all cute and clever here in the West when in fact mindfulness is thousands and thousands of years old. But the researcher who wrote the forward to this book, Dr. Lori Brado, who is based in British Columbia, you know, she, she was really troubled by the fact that when you look at population studies, about half of women, especially women who are 30, 40, 50, sixties, especially those who are partnered like the prevalence of underactive, a hypo sexual desire disorder, like low desire, low sexual desire is just rampant about half of women.

Alexandra: 23:44 Struggle with desire. And that's, that can be about lots and lots of different things. But one of the things she was wondering is about these stories that we bring into the bedroom with us and the the degree to which they affect our ability to just be in the moment. And so she did it. She created a mindfulness training program for women and taught them how to, how to use their senses in the moment and noticing when, right? Like the cloud comes in about good girls don't, or the cloud comes in about, you know, thought about my hips or this is taking too long, or what is he thinking? Or I do, I smell okay or dah, dah, dah, dah. And then noticing and then returning back to the sensation. And her results are really powerful. I know increased desire, increased arousal and more lubrication, more orgasms like these, the findings were really clear about how tied together our minds and our bodies are and into these scripts. And these tapes are old so we may not even know when they are playing inside of our heads, but they may very well be kind of compromising our ability to just allow.

Amanda: 24:54 Yes to that. I totally agree. A hundred percent a hundred percent yeah.

Alexandra: 24:58 What are the practices that you love to help women with this piece?

Amanda: 25:01 Well, it just like that. One of the first things that I like to teach them is about sensuality and tapping into their five senses. That mindfulness like you say is a huge part of it. I honestly feel like our society is so, in my opinion, our society really forces us to be in this state of hyper arousal all the time. And so that's why at the end of the day people want to, you know, numb with Netflix or drink wine or whatever it is just to be able to come back down into like some window where they feel like they can just be. And so I feel like part of our culture, at least here where I am in the States, you know, is around kind of learning what it feels like to just even be in your body. We've forgotten what that is like because our culture is so go, go driven, driven and women, we have so many things that we have, you know, often on our plates.

Amanda: 25:43 I mean I work mostly with women, but I think men feel this way too. And that's a big, that's another big stressor when you both have all these things weighing you down, stresses of work, stresses of parenting, stresses of family, stresses of life, you know, maybe taking care of if you're a caregiver for an elderly parent or a partner or anything like that. So we're so weighted down with all the stress. It's no wonder you can't connect right now. I think a big part of it is unwinding that stress. And I know you love Dr. Emily Nagoski, who I love as well and I just love her work, and her newest book, Burnout, talks a lot about that. So I do think the first step is unwinding the stress a little bit and that mindfulness is so huge.

Alexandra: 26:20 I was just reading Emily's book this morning.

Speaker 2: 26:23 That's good. I love that book. Yeah, I think that's, so that's, I think that's one of the first steps is like, and then connecting to what they want and to their desires. I mean, I think that's hard for both men and women is like really connecting to what it is they truly want and realizing it doesn't have to be big grandiose things, but just taking that time to attune to what you need in the moment and offer that to yourself. It's such a huge starting point.

Alexandra: 26:45 Absolutely. Yup. Yup. Yeah. And I think it's so easy for women. I think what I think the challenges for men may be a bit different, but I think if we're talking about women and as you're listing off sort of the, all these caregiving demands, it's really easy then for sex to feel like another caregiving demand. That's another thing I have to do for somebody else to, to sort of check it off my list. And that's a huge desire killer. And so, and that's a subtle shift, right? Towards imagining sexual connection, erotic connection as being something that's for me, restorative to me. And so it has, if that's going to be the storyline that I get on, it has to be that I then feel empowered to create a kind of sexual experience that is going to feel good for me. Right. Cause there's just, there's just no like you can't get over that hump unless you know that.

Alexandra: 27:36 It's like, I'm going to go to this place and I know it's going to feel good because my partner and I are really both invested in creating experiences that feel good. So it's not, you know, this one of the things that was challenging about the book and about this conversation, and I never want a woman to feel like this is all a me thing. Like she has to get her side of the street figured out. It has to be in the context of a larger conversation with her partner. Right? There's no such thing as her sexual problem. Every problem that a couple has around sex is a couple of problems, there's always a way to language it into that. And if she's, if she's figuring out the things that she needs in order to kind of activate her accelerator, like in order to help her shed the mother role and shed the caregiving role and be like, okay, I am a sexual goddess. Like, let's go there. If she is figuring out those things that work, that help her, I want her partner to be a co-creator in that. Right? Like I want her partner to be like, okay, so if we know that whatever me handling bath time helps you make that shift, I'm all over bath time and that's becomes a co-creative process. It's not, it can't be all hers to figure out because then it's just like another, then sex becomes another domain where she feels like she's not measuring up.

Amanda: 28:47 Yes. Oh my gosh. Yes. Yeah. And you know, and on that note, I'd be curious to hear your thoughts because oftentimes, you know, say one partner really wants to make an effort in this area and the other partner's not as supportive. What would you say in those situations?

Alexandra: 29:03 I think that, so first of all, I really want, I would want to really normalize that desire discrepancies are the most common sexual problem that couples have. Right? Because it makes total sense, the idea that both people are going to want the same thing at the same time all the time. Doesn't make any sense. But what happens when we get locked into the higher desire partner and the lower desire partner and then the narratives kind of take over from there in a way that's problematic and that keeps the system stuck because the only thing we can see is either you should ask for it less or you should want it more and that's just not, sex is a tug of war and a sort of set of like transactions rather than just the hard, beautiful work of a different kind of question. Right.

Alexandra: 29:50 Which is what do we each want and need in order to cultivate this? Sometimes I think it's helpful, like I think the practice of like just like scheduling sex. I think that can be a really neutralizing practice. It's not everything, but I think it can be one thing that just sort of neutralizes it that we know we put in our calendar is that this is when it's going to happen and so therefore we're both lining up our energies and taking care of our sides of the streets and we're holding that space for us. And that can really neutralize the sort of like you never initiate or it's never a good time or the house has to get cleaned before we do it or whatever those things are getting in the way. I think that can be something that is helpful and almost a kind of, I dunno it just to kind of not, I try to avoid the word foreplay cause foreplay implies that like all leading up to penetration, but I don't mean that, I mean foreplay just in terms of like setting the stage for us to be sexual together however that looks, but kind of like Oh foreplay then that we are both aware that we've agreed to this and so we're protecting our energy so that we're interested in available.

Amanda: 30:55 I like that protecting her energy. Cause I think sometimes, like you say, especially when you have a lot going on, you kind of need it a little mental space to kind of like get yourself, take care of your energy so you can show up present. Yup. All right. And so if you know like 10:00 PM on a Thursday, you're totally depleted. It's probably not the best time to schedule it. When is a good time maybe you know, and get creative on childcare or whatnot. So you can find times that actually you're conscious.

Alexandra: 31:20 Yes. Right? Yeah. And yeah, it's so easy to make it the last thing of the day and just busting through ideas about that. It has to be nighttime. Well, could it be right in the middle of the day? Like would that be a possibility the kids are at school or you know, whatever. There's not right. We haven't waited until everything else is complete. So the, all those little, those kinds of beliefs that end up being limiting. And then sometimes it is, we said we were going to do it now and I just can't. And then saying that out loud. Right. Like I, we said we would and I can't. And let's, you know, here's my plan about when we're gonna reschedule for right. Cause we should never enter a sexual experience when your no is really loud and clear to bypass that. That doesn't neither serves your partner and nor you. Right. That space between like I'm willing like I'm neutral and I'm willing to be, you know, to unfold and to grow into this even though I'm not like actively horny right now. Like that's very different than I am a no, but I will bypass my no in order to not have a fight with you.

Amanda: 32:19 Right. That's big. And I think too as well, like you say, you know, sex is more than just, you know, penis, in vagina or however that could look. It's more than penetration and there's so many ways you can define it. So like having that mindset of broadening your definition of what that looks like and really I think like you say you more, you set up those dates and honor one another's true impulses and really boundaries. Then the more it's fun and the more you want to do it right, because we're just not designed to go to somewhere where it's painful. If there is always an argument then it's not going to be something that you're looking forward to.

Alexandra: 32:53 That's right. That's right. Well yeah, that's reason number 315 about why it's important to shake up that idea that sex is, you know, we, it's like the first base, second base, third base home run. They're like, we have that script in our heads and so it's sort of, if that's the idea, like it doesn't count unless it's penetration. It just, it just creates sometimes too big of a mountain to climb. And so can it be like, I'm not available for penetration. I'm really up for massage and seeing what happens or what, you know, however that looks.

Amanda: 33:23 Yeah. So I just, I am so thrilled and all your wisdom. Thank you so much. And I, I'm going to let everyone know where they can find the book in a moment. But before I do, I'd love to just have you tap in if there's any last words you really want to make sure that the listeners hear today or any maybe questions that you wish that I would've asked that I did not ask.

Alexandra: 33:42 I nothing is really on the tip of my tongue except that I think we highlighted that this is, you know, this is unfolding and it doesn't have to be, there isn't whatever idea we have in our heads of who we should be sexually. I want us to just invite like a letting go of that and to know that desire rises and falls and that we, I think sometimes we make our, we make the fall kind of more scary by adding the story of like, what's wrong with me and I'm broken and it's gone for good and a bit more trust and self-compassion can sort of change then the relationship we have with the quote unquote problem and it can open up new pathways then for what we want to do about it. And just that part of like saying to a partner, like, I am really struggling with sexual desire right now.

Alexandra: 34:30 Like just saying that can be, so just can change the whole way it feels right. Because what happens is if my desire is low, I feel embarrassed about that. I feel scared about that. I feel like I can't talk about it. My partner is going to be afraid and my partner is going to be judgmental and my partners going to be disappointed. The more I can't say it, the bigger it grows inside of me. The bigger the distance grows between my partner and I. And so even just that piece, like, damn, I am just, sex is really on the back burner. I'm really struggling with desire right now. Even just that is an invitation to intimacy.

Amanda: 35:05 Well, thank you so much again for being a guest, Alexandra, and I would love it too if you could share where everyone can find more about you.

Alexandra: 35:12 Yes. The easiest way to find more about me is my website, dr.alexandrasolomon.com. I'm really active on social media, especially Instagram and Facebook and yeah, so the, the website has lots of access to different resources and obviously links to the book where to find the book, all that, all that good stuff.

Amanda: 35:32 Yes. Well, thank you so much again and again. Her book is out now, it's such a beautiful book and if you are curious to learn more, you're just going to discover lots of gems inside. So, again, it's called Taking Sexy Back, which I love that title. So thank you again and for everyone listening, thank you for tuning in, and we'll see you next week.

Alexandra: 35:52 Thank you, Amanda.

Amanda: 35:56 Thank you.

New Speaker: 35:56 So much for listening to the find your feminine fire podcast. This is your host, Amanda Testa. And if you have felt a calling while listening to this podcast to take this work to a deeper level, this is your golden invitation to reach out. You can contact me at www.amandatesta.com/activate. We can have a heart to heart to discuss more about how this work can transform your life. You can also join us on Facebook In my free group, Find your Feminine Fire Group, and if you've enjoyed this podcast, please share with your friends. Go to iTunes and give me a five star rating and a rave review so I can connect with other amazing listeners like yourself. Thank you so much for being a part of the community.