Amanda Testa (00:02):

Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. This is your host, Amanda Testa. And today I have my special guests, my lovely, awesome, amazing husband, Mark Testa. Welcome back to the show Mark.

Mark Testa (00:16):

Hello, Amanda. It's always good to see you again. Thanks for having me back.

Amanda Testa (00:24):

So I thought it would be fun to bring Mark back because we actually just recently celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary and it wasn't quite the celebration we had hoped, but it just made me think about our wedding intention. And so I was going to read it cause I really think it's beautiful to remember, and this is our wedding intention, and this is Mark's idea by the way, this is why he's such an awesome person. Cause he's always got some depth. He does his own work. I'm so grateful. But our wedding intention is this. We ask that you help us build our marriage with a powerful sense of love, purpose and gratitude. May we maintain open minds and open hearts towards one another. May we always be grateful for each other, And the many blessings we have may we love honor and respect each other. May we work to maintain and support our integrity and values.

Amanda Testa (01:19):

May we always have open and honest communication, may we laugh, have fun and keep a light happy spirit alive and well, may we live fully and be present in the moment. May we continue to explore the world and expand our minds, maybe support each other and always see the strengths in one another. May we ride the waves together, holding on tight When they get rough, may we live a healthy, active lifestyle and support each other and help may we love fully our family and friends and keep them a priority. May we continue to believe in create a beautiful, abundant, prosperous future full of possibility.

Mark Testa (01:57):

Right? That was great. That is great. We share that with everyone at our wedding as well and ask them to help us help hold us accountable.

Amanda Testa (02:06):

Yeah, we have it on our fridge. And I think this season has been one of holding on tight when the waves get rough. We've had some waves and thankfully in the big picture, you know, we're fine and we're healthy and everything's good, but those little bumps they add up, you know, and so, and I recently we were on a hike. It was 4th of July weekend. It was so beautiful walking along, enjoying the scenery. I was literally talking to my dog. We have a puppy who's an 11 month old golden retriever puppy. Wild is the wind and he's very sweet, but I was like, oh, Aspen, isn't hiking the best. I just love hiking. Then I didn't look where I was going for one second, stepped in a hole, broke my ankle. So sadly I'm still, you know, not able to walk or drive.

Amanda Testa (02:52):

And thankfully sweet Mark has been doing double duty around here. And obviously I know our able, bodies are quite the privilege. And so in the big picture, this is a small thing, but for me in my life, it's been kind of a challenge because it's hard to get around on crutches and not be able to put weight down. And anyways, especially not being able to drive, I felt very isolated and the first few days were rough. I'm not going to lie painful, but you know, I think we eventually surrendered into it, but it's been hard. But I was, I was going to ask mark to his perspective. That's why I thought this would be a good topic to talk about how you hold on tight when the waves get rough and how you support each other and what you do when you, when the wheels fall off because they have too as well.

Mark Testa (03:39):

I'll be, you know, you know, you've lived with me. I was pissed. I was a pissed lot at first because just like, you know, I get up at 5:30am and I literally did not stop till I went to bed and was really about all the non-stop motion, least of which any of that went towards me.

Amanda Testa (04:05):

Welcome to be being a woman in this world. I think all the invisible labor. It became quite visible,

Mark Testa (04:11):

Very visible, right. You know, I mean, I tease you like my mom always used to say I'm nothing but a maid wash iron cook and clean. And I mean, I get it now. I totally get it. And I have been really right, doing dishes, cooking meals, doing laundry, folding laundry, well you've helped with the folding driving everyone around, pulling the weeds, mowing the lawn, taking care of the dog, taking the dog out 8,000 times a day, the dog 8,000 walks a day. Cause we live in the city. And so that's not just can't open the door and let em run. Yeah. It's been really literally five 30 till, till I go to bed. And I noticed, and you pointed this out. I do what I always complain about you doing is going through every thing in your mind. And I did this the other night at dinner.

Speaker 3 (05:04):

I still have to clean the dishes, do take the dog out, take care of the pool.

Mark Testa (05:10):

I've got all this. I've still got my own work to do.

Amanda Testa (05:16):

He's always like, don't give me a list of all the things you have to do. I don't want to hear it. I was like, literally, that's how my mind thinks. I mean, I think, I don't know and not to generalize, right? Because this is stereotypical. I know. But I remember reading something once about the difference in men and women when they are like walking through a room and obviously this, you know, could be, could range on the gender spectrum where I know this is very like gendered language, but it's you know, like a man will walk across the room to get a glass of water. He goes and gets the water. A woman will walk across the room to go get a glass of water. And she's like picking up the laundry on the way, cleaning up everything in the way, realizing the kitchen's a mess has to clean up the dishes, load the dishwasher, do like 15 things before the water and it's and it, but it's just like, I think the difference in looking at all the needs to be done versus like being direct focused, but sometimes, and I know mark is a good partner.

Amanda Testa (06:08):

I feel like we do share a lot of the household responsibilities around here and we're working on getting our daughter to do more as well. That's always a challenge. If anyone has kids, you probably can relate. But I think that's the thing is like when you step up, because earlier this year, you know, I stepped up when Mark was going through some stuff. And so we're just really in that period of sickness and health, like supporting each other in the hard times. And and I think that's one of the things that we're trying to work on getting better at because we're, we're, everyone's great when everything's easy. Right, right. When things are easy and everything's good, it's easy to get along. It's easy to communicate well, but when the wheels are falling off and everyone's and everyone's stressed, that's when it's really hard to use

Mark Testa (06:48):

Your tools. Right. Exactly. It seems like, yeah. You know, in the sickness and health, when you're getting married and all your friends are there and it's a party, it's easy to say, but it's, you know, and that actually ran through my mind when you fell and broke your ankle, I was like looking at you laying there and I'm like, I'm going to have to carry you out of here literally. Right. That is the sickness and health. Like you got to carry your partner sometimes. And I carried you out as far as I could.

Amanda Testa (07:16):

And it was it was quite the humorous experience. And thankfully, thankfully we were at the end of our hike and we didn't have too much further to go, but it was you know, it was rough. And you were also trying to not get your heart rate up too high because you recently had that ablation. And it was just, it was it was comedy and we almost at the end and thankfully this nice ex firefighter walked by and like, they had to do that fireman hold for the last little bit there. So we got out and thankfully, you know, it just makes you appreciate helping each other. Cause we pass a lot of people that like, didn't even look twice. Right. I think in this day and age people, I dunno, some people are helpful, some people aren't, but I want to be that helpful person. Right. And I think the more you go through shit, the more you realize you people need help in these times. Yeah.

Mark Testa (08:02):

Right. We do. I mean like, like you said, just take the mobility of your body. I mean, if you can't be mobile, you are relying on other people, you really do need other people's help. And you know, that's just a simple thing that, you know, you just gotta help each other. There's just no other way around it. I mean, that's what we do.

Amanda Testa (08:22):

Right. And I think that's just one of the, one of the things I'll share too, you know, maybe even in this moment, tthink of someone, you know, who might be having a hard time or might be struggling in some way. And could you like send him a card or send him a text or take them a meal. I mean, those things are so amazing and so appreciated. And I think sometimes it's easy to forget and get busy. And then of course you don't want to do something out of obligation, but just from a place of, you know, who might want some love today, if you have extra to give and if you don't maybe ask for what you need.

Mark Testa (08:50):

Yeah. I know you've thanked me a lot. And like I look at you, I'm appreciative that you thank me because inside, I don't feel, I feel a little irritated, a little put out a little, put off a little, you know, but you, you, you just have to overcome all that. You know, you know, when you have to support your family and your, your spouse and your partner and you know, it can't just be about you at all anymore. And I think, you know thankfully you noticed some improvement this week in my behavior and I mean, it's, you kind of give into it. Gotta just like surrender. There's just no fighting. It. There's just no fighting it. I mean, this dish is still needed to be done and the dog still has to take a shit.

Amanda Testa (09:36):

I mean, I think that's the thing too. It's like so much of life. Well, not so much, but a lot of it is, especially if you have a family and kids, it's like doing things you don't want to do, but you have to figure out a way to be able to do it from a place of love, which can be a challenging thing. I know that one of the things that we also talk about a lot is how often it feels like you're just on a treadmill of getting through the day and like taking care of all the things and working and doing all the things. And there's just like, it's a never ending treadmill and I, and that feeling of overwhelm. And I know this is one of the things that I talk with my clients a lot around is that feeling of being overwhelmed and there's not joy and it's just like constant doing.

Amanda Testa (10:13):

And you're so depleted. And I think that is when you have to really look at things and figure out how you can make time to take care of yourself. And this is what I was telling Mark. I was like, we just got to get some help. We had, I think if anyone has been reading my emails, you know, the other week I was talking about on my birthday, it was a birthday. I woke up sick. We didn't know, we were planning on going out to dinner, having a nice much needed date. We haven't had one in so long. And and then we both weren't feeling well and I had 102 fever and Mark was at the breaking point because he wasn't feeling well either. And we got into a huge blowout and it was just not good. And I remember just going in this downward spiral of like, woe is me.

Amanda Testa (10:54):

No one cares. And that's, you know, I was just being in my little pity party. I had a very big pity party for myself on my birthday, but then I realized, you know, I remember some of my practices and I think that's the thing it's like when you are in a hard time, it's really hard to remember the things that support you. That's why you have to practice them all the time so that it becomes second nature. And then without realizing it, I just found myself into a practice that I do, placing one hand onto my heart and one hand on my pussy just breathing and just like letting the emotion flow and then connecting to that part of me that is spacious, that has capacity because there's always more, even when we think there's not, there's a way to tap into that within us. And then from that space, I'm able to have more empathy and have you just kind of be with what is, and there's more space for it.

Mark Testa (11:38):

Yeah. Right. Exactly. You gotta, you know, you gotta use the things that we know. And you know, I was talking to my therapist about this this week. Like there is, I realized, and I've known this. I mean, but you can know it, but until you own it and realize it internally, like there's no pill, there's no meditation, there's no psychedelic. There's just no shortcut. You just got to do the work. And like, you know, like he used the analogy of an athlete, you know, like they don't want to get up and work out every day if they're trying to strive and achieve for something. But you just got to kind of force yourself to do it. And I think this week I did do some good journaling. I got to start doing about 20 minutes of breath work in the morning. Which was good.

Mark Testa (12:21):

You know, I need to work out, I know these, I know these things. And when I do these things, it just does make a big difference. And I think that's maybe why, you know, you notice some improvement, you know, I want to talk about the overwhelm as well for a second because you, you know that you brought that up and you know, now I get it right. I get the partner's perspective of not wanting to have sex. Like at the end of the day, like I was literally, I couldn't wait to go to sleep. I didn't want to lay in bed and talk. I didn't necessarily want to touch all the things you talk about. And I know right after you broke your ankle, you wanted to have sex. And I didn't, and I never not want to. I mean, I'd literally, you will never hear me say no.

Mark Testa (13:10):

But I had zero desire. I really did. I just, I totally get it now from the other perspective that, you know, when you're tired and you're overwhelmed and you got a million things on your plate and you're little really go from the minute you wake up till the minute you go to bed. Sometimes there's just not any room for making love with your partner. And it's an important connection. It's not just a physical thing. It's just an important relationship connection. And, you know, we can tell we haven't been connected that way in the last few weeks. And we need to get back to that. But yeah, that was a big eye opener for me.

Amanda Testa (13:47):

Yeah. And I think that's one of the things too, when, when clients come to me and they're, you know, don't have desire or, you know, they want to want to, they just don't or their relationships in turmoil. And I mean, oftentimes it comes like that's kind of why part of when you're having a really hard time, sometimes you need a helping hand, you know, I know for Mark and I, we both have a lot of support. Like he has a therapist, I have a therapist, we have coaches, like we have a whole team of support because it's not easy. This life we lead. And especially now after this past year of COVID and everything, I think a lot of people's triggers are coming to the surface and people aren't doing well. I mean, I talk to clients all day, every day, people are struggling right now.

Amanda Testa (14:26):

So if that's, you know, you're not alone and know that there are ways to pull yourself out of it. And so I think like Mark says, there's practices, there's all these things you can do. But that doesn't matter when iota, when you're in a place where you just can't even do them or have zero desire, like, you know all the things you're just not doing them. And then that's when its good sometimes to get an extra helping hand there. Right? Yeah. Because I think too, then you have different perspectives. Like Mark was saying, one of the things that I, a lot of males, men, or people that are conditioned as men in this culture are very much not allowed to show emotion. Right. The only acceptable emotion is anger. And I've talked about this. I know a lot, because it's true.

Amanda Testa (15:05):

It's like anger is the place. And then when you kind of dive more in like understanding, however, you're acting, there's a reason for it. Like it's getting you something. Yeah. Right. And so it's like, what do you get out of it? Because I'm sure you're probably familiar with that. Like, it's a, Jungian psychology, right? Like what are you getting out of the thing that you don't want to do, but you do every day because there's something you get out of it. Like maybe it's a, you're a bitch to your kids or you're a bitch to your partner. You're angry.

Mark Testa (15:33):

Yeah. Right, exactly. Right. I had that conversation yesterday with my therapist about being angry and, and I said, I liked being angry. And he stopped me in my tracks. He said, did you say you like it? And I said, yeah, I do. I like it. I've said this before. I've said it to you. I remember we were at a Tony Robbins conference. And I said, I like, I like being angry. You know, I thought it was the energy of it, but it's really not. And you know, I'd done a lot of journaling about that. And I hit one of the three things we discovered yesterday, but discovered a couple other reasons for the, for that behavior, which I get something out of otherwise, I wouldn't keep doing it. Right.

Amanda Testa (16:17):

And the thing is, is understanding like our bodies are smart. Our beings are smart. They're always evolving to protect us and keep us safe. So usually if there's some kind of undesirable behavior, you know, in some way you ve got to thank that part of you, because it evolved to protect you to keep you safe, whatever it might be. But the key is finding these other parts of you, who you want to run the show in different situations, right? We all have these different sub-personalities and you know, you want to call in your most adult self, your most capable self when times are hard, not like your inner two year old or your inner teenager or these younger pieces that might be coming out to run the show. And that happens in the bedroom too. They are so often clients that, you know, they can't be present in sex because maybe it's their inner child showing up or whatever it might be. Right. You're angry Church lady partn is like saying, this is bad and you're going to go to hell, whatever it is. Like all these things, it's not just in one area, it's in all areas. So I just say that because just to understand, like, it's okay to be the way we are, right. We have to have give ourselves compassion, give ourselves grace where human.

Mark Testa (17:20):

And we are the way we are, but it doesn't mean that, that, you know, whatever you want to call it, dark side needs to rule the day at all. That's

Amanda Testa (17:30):

Like any kind of shadow work. Like when you see these parts of you that you've shunned or think are bad or try not to, to let come out, they come out more. It's like an, it's like a kid who wants your attention. And if you don't give it to them, then they're going to keep acting up and acting up and acting up until you give them attention. It's the same with, with ourselves, and so, you know, there are the thing is, is there are ways to improve, like that's like Mark and I we're always on a constant journey. And of course we're going to screw up, but we are committed to doing better and to being better and to being kind and to trying to come back to a place of connection for each other and also for our daughter to see, you know,

Mark Testa (18:08):

Yeah, right. You want to be the example. I think, you know, like you said, we're always trying to be better and I've really in the last maybe year or so stopped looking for new solutions because they're all the same. And I don't do them. And the bottom line, I think in this last year, it's like, I've got to do the work. You just can't keep looking for a new solution. One that you think is going to be easier or less work, or somehow magically make you, however you think you want to be, you just got to really do the work. So I've almost stopped really looking and really started focusing on, I just got to do the work, man. I just got to sit down or stand up or whatever it is and just do the damn work.

Amanda Testa (18:59):

It's true. Yeah. But the other side is so worth it. Right. There's, there's, there's, it's so worth it to do it, but it is, you know, it takes effort. You can't just it's like anything, but you want to get better at, it takes effort and time and you have to put an intention there.

Mark Testa (19:17):

Yeah, I think, yeah. Right. And I think, you know, there's just so much out there that everyone tries to make it look easy. And 30 years ago, 40 years. I mean, I remember these days, it's it, wasn't easy. It's everything takes effort, but you know, all the social media, all the stuff, you know, do these three hacks, do this two things, do these five steps and you'll be enlightened. And that's just BS, man. That's just people selling their stuff. And I think, you know, we just think that difficulty shouldn't exist in our life. And I think it's there to, you know, sharpen the edge, you know, if you let it right. It has to, that's, what's going to sharpen the edge is being able to deal with it and get through it. And, and I can even see it in the past week. I just feel less stressed, less anxious, certainly less angry. I hope. By just like, Hey, I'm busy from five 30 til 10. It's just my day now. And quit bitching about it and just step into it and do what you gotta do. And it really actually has made it easier than trying to find a way out or an escape or a shortcut or some hack that's going to make it all magically better.

Amanda Testa (20:49):

The thing you mentioned that I want to point out, like for so many busy people is making time for yourself. Like even you've been journaling, you've been doing 20 minutes of breathwork like you, you have to make time for yourself and you have to find ways of getting support. So whether that is, you know, reaching out to friends to have your kid go for a play date, whether that is, you know, creating a meal train for yourself, if you need it, whether that is whatever it is, it's like finding support with the dog . I mean, we found all kinds of solutions and it's so easy to just like, think you have to take, take care of everything yourself, but you really don't. And I mean, it's money well invested when you have more support.

Mark Testa (21:23):

You have the money, right. That's why I get up at five 30 because I can have like two hours to myself where I'm not hustling or feeling like I'm on the treadmill where I can actually, you know, recharge my battery and make sure it's ready to go for the day. And it's, you know, I wake up anyway, so I just get up and it's just, it's the best part of the day. Yeah.

Amanda Testa (21:47):

And so I would say just to recap, some things I think are important is, you know, just understanding of riding the waves and doing the work and knowing that we're human and we're, we're not meant to do it all on our own. Right. We need each other, we need each other and we need to support each other, like in all ways. And so even just, I think one of the things that I've learned to these past few years is just, and it's not always easy, but just like, you don't always have to go to these grandiose things, but like, how can you just, if you see someone needs help, just help. Right. If you're at the grocery store and someone can't reach something high, like most of us do this, but you know, it's just that reminder, like looking out for who might look like they need a little conversation or a smile,

Mark Testa (22:26):

Right? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Right. I think that that recap, you know, and it's like easy to think the grass is going to be greener somewhere else. And your difficulty here is caused more inflicted upon you by your partner. And that's just not even the case either. Cause you know the saying, wherever you go, there you are. I remember leaving a relationship and the next person saying the exact same things about me as the previous person. And I'm like, oh, must be me, which was a wake up call. For sure. So yeah. I mean, you know, you just can't run away from it. You can't, you can't run away from it at all. That's not making you any stronger.

Amanda Testa (23:12):

Yeah. And I think getting help, but that's the main thing too. You just have to be brave and reach out for support when you need and it can be scary. I know, but it's so worth it. On the other side,

Mark Testa (23:24):

I've got to go mow the lawn and pull some weeds and probably do some dishes. I need to go to Costco still. I want to go get some, sorry. I'm listing out all the things.

Amanda Testa (23:38):

Oh, well I'm this, I know this episode you know, as a little slice of real life, so hopefully you enjoyed it and I'd be curious to know, you know, let me know what part of this might've spoken to you. You can always reach out to me, amanda@amandatesta.com And just share your feedback. I love connecting with you all and wishing you much love and a great week ahead. And even just now invite you to perhaps just slow down, take three deep breaths and just give yourself a little bit of appreciation because you're awesome. And if your partner needs 

Mark Testa (24:22):

Needs to talk to someone, send them through Amanda, to me,

Amanda Testa (24:28):

Thank you so much. And we will see you next week.

Amanda Testa (00:02):

Hello everyone, and welcome to the podcast today. I'm very excited for this episode because we're going to be diving into embodiment and nervous system regulation and how this is such a powerful way to regain our, our agency, our personal power. And I have an amazing guest here today, Marina Nabão, who is going to be sharing more because she's an expert in the field. I'm so grateful to have been able to get to know her work over the past few years. And I'm very thrilled to have her today and I'm going to have her introduce herself in a moment, but I just kind of want to just shout out her a little bit, because she's got this beautiful, beautiful transmission in this work and really is so passionate about the power and wisdom of our bodies and finding that what we need within us can, can help us move into these new ways of being, and it's not necessarily like you have to search for healing outside, but it's just finding ways to access that within yourself so that you can live in accordance with your dreams and desires and access the inner resources that are there for us.

Amanda Testa (01:19):

And I've had the pleasure of working with her this past year as we are both on the senior teaching team for Layla Martin's VITA™ year long coaching certification. And I just am always so blown away at her care and her just the depth of her presence. So thank you so much for being here today. Marina. Welcome. Wow.

Marina Nabão (01:38):

Thank you so much. That was a good introduction. My whole body feels it's like, yes, I should be here now. Yes.

Amanda Testa (01:49):

Yeah, yeah. And you know, I'm curious before we dive in. I know that some of the main areas of your work really focus on embodiment coaching and somatic healing. And so I'd love for you to just share a little bit about, you know, why you do what you do. Why are so passionate about it, it's always more fun to hear from you.

Marina Nabão (02:19):

I don't think I can start talking about this without talking a little bit about my own experience with befriending my body. Right. so for me I have always been very curious about life and trying to understand my life, my inner world, the world around me, the relationships I had and everything. My mom is a psychologist. My father was a philosopher. So I think there's this,

Marina Nabão (02:53):

You know, curiosity for life that I actually learned from them or, you know so I've always been into of therapy and I take the lots of modalities talk therapy and somatic based ones and also courses, retreats, things like this books, oh my God books, so many books. But it wasn't until I actually started working intentionally with my body that I, that I got the answers I felt I was looking for. Right. So for me, in my own experience I really engaged with my body through holistic sexuality with Layla Martin who is still is a great teacher for me, someone I adore. And then through that, by connecting with my sexuality, my pleasure with a different focus, which is the embodiment focus and like really connecting with what is going on with the body, befriending it, getting intimate, trying to learn more about sensations , felt sense and then emotions.

Marina Nabão (04:20):

And then thoughts associated to all of that, that I was like, oh my God, I'm here. This is me. It was almost like I could finally see my true self, right. And of course this became a huge passion for me, because for me it was so transformative in the ways that I relate that I relate to myself in the ways that I relate to my pleasure, my sexual pleasure. And there is no way this cannot be translated to the ways that I relate to the world. So in terms of relationships with other guys, I healed so many things. You know, when I learned to notice my body to understand what my body wants, what my body doesn't want, my limits, my boundaries, and being able to communicate that clearly. And I believe that we can only communicate limits and boundaries Clearly once we are clear about them and how that started shifting the guys, I start, I was stating and like dramatically shifts.

Marina Nabão (05:45):

I think that's a topic for a different podcast anyway. And also my relationships to other peoplein my life, friends, family work, I was working in the corporate world. I was, I had a very prosperous and good career as an executive. And I was like, Hmm, this is not fulfilling my needs. This is not fulfilling the desires of my soul anymore. Right. And, and then it made sense for me to start transitioning into a different career in a different path, because I felt so deeply transformed and so deeply, it's not just transformed because I think there is a problem with the words transform. It's almost like you, you stop being who you were, you know, and you morph into something different and that's not what it was for me. For me, it was more an uncovering and finding out deeper layers of my authentic self.

Marina Nabão (07:00):

So it's not transformation itself. It's like seeing beyond my conditioning's my, you know, upbringing, my traumas and unveiling the truth of who I am and that there is so much beauty in it. There's so much potency in it. There's so much power in it. And I'm like, this is what I want to be doing for my life now. And it has been a beautiful transition. I started transitioning in 2018. So I got a certification in ontological coaching, which is amazing in terms of assessing language in emotions and then the VITA Certification, sex love and relationship. And now I'm stuck. I'm going deeper with it because I really feel that sexual trauma is a part of this work that I really wanted to dedicate myself to. And I'm taking the Somatic Experiencing training, which is the cherry on top of all of it. Yeah. So that's how I got here. I hope that answers your question. I

Amanda Testa (08:15):

Love that. Cause I mean, I think it's so interesting because you know, you hear these words all the time, like embodiment and empowerment. And after, you know, sometimes they kind of lose their potency, what that even means. So I always love to get people's perspectives because I think it is such a deep, and rich thing. And sometimes there can be that lack of understanding why it's important. Right. And so, and I love that and I feel like, you know, because yes, you have such a varied beautiful, rich background. I love that curiosity was peaked in you at a young age and, you know, you have an education BA in a business MBA and have, you know, this you know, global, international business thing you were doing then doing this deeper work where it kind of, I love how you described transformation as not like changing who you were, but just uncovering more of your authentic self and allowing that to show up more and more.

Amanda Testa (09:08):

And I just think that's so powerful and beautiful. And also to how you touched on how it makes such a big difference in relationships, because obviously our relationships with our self is pretty important, but it does affect everything around us. Sometimes people can be like, well, why I don't understand why this work is so important. So I love to share, I think it is so key, right? It's a big missing piece. I think that we don't often talk enough about, right. Thankfully I feel like it's becoming more and more talked about now, especially in the past five years, I noticed more and more talk about, you know, how things that have happened to us, leave these imprints on our bodies. Right. And so, and I think too, like, as you say, when we work with sexuality, even just even saying that word so much can come up and I think that's one of the things that I've learned too, is I've gotten more into this work is like the, when you're working around sexuality, there's so much that comes up. And so having those additional layers of, okay, what other things need to be addressed to really feel good and to find pleasure because it does, in my opinion, affects every area of our life. Right. Even though sometimes people can be like, oh, I could do without that. But really I think our true nature wants that pleasure or has, has access to it. Sometimes it's just, we've lost the pathway and we can find it back.

Marina Nabão (10:28):

Yeah. You know, as you're saying this, what is coming up for me is that we experience life through our bodies, right? We don't experience life through our thoughts or language. That's the way we give meaning to the life that we're experiencing. Right. And for me, the embodiment, you know, this big words that I use over and over again, I know I never get tired of it. It's actually coming back. It's not, it's nothing new. We're, we're not re reinventing the wheel here, but we are allowing ourselves to say, wait a minute, I'm here in this planet, in this incarnated experience in a body.

Marina Nabão (11:26):

And everything that I do is experienced through my body, through my five senses through the ways that emotions flow and of course, emotions flow through your body and your sensations that it makes very little sense to me to keep this fragmentation, this, this disconnection of mind, body. And of course spirituality, because also for me, that is a huge component. What, what is the life force that is maintaining this body alive? Right. So for me once we take the time and start walking back into this relationship with our bodies, with this intentionality to be with, to feel, to perceive, and it's not just feel because we're feeling all the time, it's like to perceive what it is that we're feeling to notice how we are affected by life and how our bodies affect the lives of others around us. Right? Once we do that, once we start this journey of embodiment, huge changes start to happen within ourselves. And whenever we start changing our inner landscape, this is going to be shown, and this is going to be translated into the outer world. And the ways that we relate in all kinds of relationships, not only romantic relationships, including relationships to our communities and to the environment, to the earth, right? So for me, there is a piece in embodiement That's not so many people talk about, but that for me is so important because it's also understanding that we are part of this earth that we're killing. I don't know.

Amanda Testa (13:51):

I think that's so true because I mean, the more you're connected to yourself, the more you realize how interconnected everything is. Right. And it, it's a beautiful and sometimes painful experience, but it's so needed because I think we are. And I'd love to hear your perspective on this too, because you know, I'd love to hear you share. Why do you think we get so disconnected from our bodies and our experiences?

Marina Nabão (14:19):

Yeah. I love that question. I think there's so many reasons, historically, there is one big reason, which is the age of I think therefore I exist, you know, the Cartesian thoughts. So historically for me, that's, that is the, how do I say this in English? Like that marks the moment in history when the, at least the Western civilization, this disconnected body in mind. And so I'm a mind, I'm a thinker in, because I think I exist and I say this, Amanda and I have to add a side note to this comment, because I'm not disregarding the importance of thoughts, not at all, you know me well, like I'm an avid reader. I am an avid learner. I love thinking and discussing things. And this is part of life. Yes. A very important piece. But what I'm trying to say here is that also I think therefore I exists.

Marina Nabão (15:47):

I feel therefore I exist. I perceive therefore I exist.. I relate therefore I exist. Right? So I think there are so many layers to our existence that this Cartesian way of thinking disregards. So historically I think the fragmentation started there. And then if we take it to our daily lives nowadays to our regular Western life, the amount of stress, overwhelm, pollution, violence, fear, fear for survival, fear of not having money enough to survive traumas, so many different layers to traumas. All of this also contributes to this disfragmentation, to this separation of body and mind. Right? And I think that's part of this epidemic of this environment that we perceive in the world is also a result of the ways that we're leaving our lives. This go, go, go, go, go. We have to be doing all the time. We have to achieve all the time we have, especially. And I know so many of your clients are high performers in their careers or, or even moms who are like, I have to be the perfect mom, you know, sick people who have to get it all right. Right. So this is for your listener who has to get it all right and perfect.

Marina Nabão (17:37):

Slow down, you know, come back to the body because sometimes thinking that we have to get it all right, is a trap of our minds. Right. And if we're able to involve our bodies and spirituality in this process and walk more whole thru life where we get things wrong, there is this space in ourselves that can accept that in this space is usually not the mind. It's the heart, you know, it's the soul. So for me, yeah. I think, I think that answers your question. Why are we so disembodied? There's a history there, and there is a way of living the disconnection from nature, the disconnection from communities. Everybody is so isolated this age of the individual, right. It's me, me, me, me, me. No, it's not me, me, me, me, me, it's us, us, us, us. Right. So I think all of that contributes to that. Yeah.

Amanda Testa (18:51):

So true. And I, you know, and it is, it's like the more the stress and the external like, feeling like you need to be constantly doing that leaves no space for the being. Right. So it's like trying to cultivate space for that, you know, the functional slow, which can be really hard at first, especially cause I know for myself, that's my background too, is like, I always default to like super hyper anxious. Like my, so first starting to slow down can feel like scary. You're like, oh wait. And I'm going to feel things. And that's kind of what you work through. Right. That's how you help clients work through that. Right. Okay.

Marina Nabão (19:35):

Yes. And it's no longer a scary thing, right Amanda? If we have spent a lifetime living this way, not paying attention to our bodies, to our sensations and emotions, to the felt sense of our experience. To the somatic experience of life. You know, it is scary because then it's like, oh, I'm not used to this. Right. I'm not used to noticing all of, all of the richness that is going on all the time in my experience of this life. Right. And, but, but for me, it's like, yeah, it's a scary in an exciting way perhaps, you know, like, yeah, it's a scary, but let's explore this and see what we find out. Right? Yeah.

Amanda Testa (20:31):

Because it is so nourishing when you can like expand your experience. And I like to think of that because it's, you're just flying by missing so much. And when you can actually drop in and learn to just fully inhabit your present experience, whatever that is, it's so much more beautiful. And even if it's a horrible thing, it's like, at least you can feel it and move through it much more easily than feeling that sense of overwhelm or that stress or the trauma like weighing on you. You're able to more easily find a way to, to let it move through or to, to integrate it or to allow it to, to kind of thaw a bit.

Marina Nabão (21:12):

Yeah. And at the end of the day, what comes up for me is to be able to be with life itself. Right. And life is made of death, is made of loss is made of celebrations is made of gains. And if we're able to find within us a way to be with life in all the ways that it presents itself to us, then we have so much more resilience. We have so much more power. We have so much more ways of engaging with life. Right. So what I think, what I'm trying to say is embodiment, and really not as seeing the whole somatic experience of who we are at the end of the day is a pathway to vitality, to strengthening our capacity, to be with life and deal with life. Because, you know, life is life. It's not all like colorful and, you know, glittery, but sometimes it is, which is great. And some other times we have a world pandemic and all the consequences of that, you know, and if we try to think ourselves through all of this, I find it that we get a little limited and that we, we lack rresources and repertoire to deal with the complexity, the beauty and the harshness of life. Yeah.

Amanda Testa (23:15):

I think that's so powerful ,even just, as you say that, it makes me think because I, there is a little bit of, you know, as you mentioned before, the more we're in tune with our own experience, the more we realize we are part of this us, and it's that interconnected piece that you can't not want to support. Right. Because I think there's, you know, obviously if you are there layers, I feel like sometimes it's like these different layers bloom, and I love how Rachael Maddox, one of my mentors talks about that in the Rebloom work ,it's like you have to work through these different levels. And then the highest level is the sacred gardener where you're really looking out for the entire garden. And you really realize how every single thing you do affects the whole and how can I contribute to a more lush garden overall. And so I think that's one of the beauties of this work too, is it helps you get to that point where you can, you know, not only be so authentic in your own expression, but to be more aware and a contributor to a more healthy whole

Marina Nabão (24:19):

Yeah. Yes, yes.

Amanda Testa (24:22):

And it can make sense when there's days where you're struggling with some things and you can't even like, get your clothes on. Like how can you think about making the world a better place? You're like, I can't even get my clothes on today. Right. So this is part of that process, I think. Yes. Curious how that lands.

Marina Nabão (24:38):

Yeah. And what comes up to me is this whole idea of making a world a better place, meaning that I need to intentionally every day, do some thing for others for, you know, and I think that that's a, quite a naive way of looking at this cause making a world a better place is finding this better place within ourselves, which naturally will contribute because no one alone will make the world a better place. Right. We're just little we're just stardust this here. So it will contribute to making a world, the world a better place. And it doesn't matter if our, our work, for example, is not focused on helping the world become a better place, but our, the quality of our presence when we are in our work and we are interacting with other people, regardless of what it is that we do, the quality of our embodied presence is enough to affect the environment around us, you know, and that is making the world a better place. That's it?

Amanda Testa (26:08):

I, so I so agree with that. And I think about that too, because especially a lot of times I work with moms and I, you know, how important it is to find that place within you and just when your quality of presence is more resilient and more loving and more compassionate to yourself that it's so much easier to offer that to those around you. And there's such a ripple effect of that, right? So just even doing this work for yourself does make that difference in the ripple.

Marina Nabão (26:41):

Yeah. And Amanda, if we think about how our nervous systems work, we're animals, right? We're animals, we think we're better, but we are animals at the end of the day. So when we are in a better regulated space, you know, when we're more grounded in our bodies, in our experience, people can sense that's, that's the co-regulation thing that happens, right? So when a mom is taking care of their children in a place of groundedness and love and presence feeling good enough, not perfect feeling good enough within herself or themselves naturally it's effortless, it's effortless. There is nothing to be done. It's just to be, and naturally, others will perceive that and will benefit. It's not just perceive it. Well, they will benefit from that. Right? No wonder, whenever we talk about embodiment and somatics there is this focus on like you need to practice, right? It requires practice. You need, it's not just about knowing about embodiment. It's not just about knowing about somatics. It's about embodying embodiment embodying somatics, making this a way of living and then experience the shifts of your mere presence in with someone else. Right. Because that's the level of resonance, that's our nervous systems have that has to know what the survival of humankind. Right. So it's about just being in, creating the conditions for that to settle and happen.

Amanda Testa (28:50):

And I love the practice part because that is such a key piece. And I'd love to hear you share what are some of your favorite practices to nourish your own self and nervous system and all the things?

Marina Nabão (29:02):

Yeah. Well, I have my go to things, so I have a lot of energy going on in my body all the time. So I, I need to exercise. That's something that is like, yeah. So almost every morning I will exercise. I have my soul cycle bike, so I will bike. And then I do some strengthening exercises and things like that is that for me, it's medicine. And I also really enjoy being out in nature. So I will just sit if I'm here at home, I will just sit at the garden and be, and again, nothing to do, just be, you know, play with my dog, notice the squirrels, the animals around and so on. And then when I feel that I want something more structured, I have all kinds of practices and tools in my, in my toolbox. Right? So pleasure practices. The Jade Egg is like the love of my life.

Marina Nabão (30:12):

So I will do a Jade egg practice. Sometimes I will do energy practices with like, from the Taoists traditions. And many, many times it's just around being with myself intentionally. So if I'm noticing that I'm too restless or too irritated with things, I just sit down and track my body, track my experience. What is going on here? What are some sensations that I'm noticing that are present, where is this restlessness, this irritation, where do I feel it? Oh, here. Oh, okay. Let me befriend this and just be with it for a moment. And the, the interesting thing about our bodies in the nervous system is that there is a component that self heals, we just need to give the opportunity, you know? So if I'm noticing like some pain on my chest, that is like, I'm angry about something. If I can just be with that for a moment and see, oh, I noticed this, this is here. It feels heavy. It feels cold. It looks like it looks like it's made of iron, like a ball of iron on my chest. Let me be in breathe. Huh? I wonder what, what is this doing here?

Marina Nabão (31:56):

And I just stay with it and it's it. It's just like magic as I stay with it. It's slowly starts to soften, soften into deliver a message to me. And then there's a thoughts and image, you know, it's almost like a whisper of something that I needed to become aware of. That can be helpful for me. So for me, apart from the structured practices that I liked that I have, but that I don't always have the time to stop and do a one hour pleasure practice or like that. It's just this presence and intentionality you see, because what I'm saying is I notice, and then I bring my intention to be with it.

Marina Nabão (32:54):

And then the curiosity of getting clear around what it is, and then holding that with compassion. Oh, I see you here. I don't like this. It makes me feel uncomfortable, but I will sit here with you, you know, and then that's it, that's the healing, but that quality of presence is not natural to most of us. So that quality of presence requires practice. So nowadays I can do that very easily for myself because for the last three years I've been doing that constantly, you know, with guidance, with audios from my teachers, with, you know, in courses and workshops and trainings. And now I'm in this place where I can do this for myself. Right. And that's what I offer. So many of my clients, this let's walk this path together for a while until you're able to do this for yourself. You know,

Amanda Testa (34:12):

Like you say, it's the developing that ability to do it, it's like learning a new language sometimes, right. To be able to be with our bodies, body sensations, and what's coming up and understanding how to track it and just have that compassion for what's coming up. And, you know, something you mentioned earlier, I just wanted to refer back to, because I think it is so powerful is that self-healing ability that we all have, you know, like we have this original essence or blueprint of health or this, just whatever you want to call it. That's core of us that is pure and perfect and nothing can ever touch it. And so having the conditions to be able to access that, and sometimes it takes working with the experienced guide and coach, or teacher to learn how to do it. But it's so beautiful to witness when someone connects to that and watching that part, like get stronger and just, it's so incredible to me, I'm always so humbled when I watched that blueprint in someone come alive, Im like OMG it's so amazing, And it's so possible for everyone. And you know, under the right conditions when you can have that ability to tune into it.

Marina Nabão (35:25):

Yeah. And in a way, Amanda, it's revolutionary

Marina Nabão (35:31):

Because this is about people tapping into their inner power again. Their agency, their potency, their life force their vitality. And that's the revolution. The revolution is not tapping into power to subjugate others. The revolution is about seeing, allowing yourself to see that you are powerful, that you have it all in you, even your capacity to heal yourself from life. I talk a lot about trauma and I work a lot with trauma, but it is so important for us to remember that everyone carries trauma because trauma is part of life. Some people have traumas that were more shocking, more significant, right. But if we think about intergenerational trauma, how can you avoid it that right? Developmental trauma, how can you avoid that? Even if you have amazing parents. Right? So, and then if we're able to find ways to tap into this inner, powerful selves, then we have that repertoire. That's a word that I like to deal with again, the harshness of life and also to embrace the beauty, the sexiness, the sensuality of life, because life is so sensual. No wonder we have so many senses to experience life, no wonder our senses are in our bodies and still we want to leave the body outside of the equation. How how's that possible? Right. So, yeah, it is beautiful and it's humbling. And it's also empowering.

Marina Nabão (37:55):

Yeah.

Amanda Testa (37:57):

I mean, even as you saying that, I just noticed like my whole body just felt softened and I just had this like warmth coming from my solar plexus. I'm like, ah, it feels so good to just even I think being in your presence, I just feel my own nervous system relaxing even more. And I love this possibility and I think that that's why it's such beautiful, powerful, revolutionary work. So I'd love to know, you know, is there any question that you wished that I would've asked that I didn't ask or any, anything else that you want to, to share around this?

Marina Nabão (38:40):

I do. I think, I think I want to say a couple more things around empowerment and agency, especially for folks who have experienced trauma in that are feeling trapped into the the symptoms, the responses, you know, that are resulting from traumatic experiences. And one of the things that I find so important to highlight in this conversation around trauma is that we do have this inner capacity to integrate, to resolve, to renegotiate. There are so many words that we can use here, right? To overcome, to heal traumas. We do have this inner capacity. So for me, the path of embodiment, the path of somatic healing is really about awakening this flame of power that we all have to overcome. The things that we have experienced, you know, and to break ourselves free from the chains of traumas. Because for me, the image, I'm a very visual person.

Marina Nabão (40:08):

People who worked with me know that because I say that all the time. So there's an image that comes to me when I use the word trauma in the image that comes to me, it's someone chains stuck in chains, right? So for me, the path to liberation from trauma is the path of learning to unchain yourself and any healer, coach, therapist, teacher, whatever that is working with people who, who are trying to do this needs to know that it's not about the healer, the coach, the therapist, it's about igniting awakening, that inner power that we all have and providing the container, the tools, the techniques, the ways, the teachings in which the person sees that they have that power and then they break free. And then it's, and this is especially for my beloved ones who have experienced sexual trauma and then the survivor wins, not the perpetrator. And for me, it's about this, you know, it's bad enough to have experienced sexual trauma, sexual abuse, but it's even worse to stay stuck in that. So my work is to help the survivor win here, you know, and the survivor will win with their own power, with their own potency and with their own life force with their own vitality, because we all have it in us. Yeah. So I think that's what I wanted to say.

Amanda Testa (42:16):

Yeah. Look at the chill bumps on my arms. Oh, so powerful. So Marina, can you share where people can connect with you and how they can work with you and yes. All that good stuff.

Marina Nabão (42:27):

Of course. So I am Brazilian living in the bay area and I see folks here in my office in Mill Valley. I also see folks internationally because I work with a community that is spread worldwide. Then I do that online, the best place to get information about me, to learn more about the work I do is my website. So I'm a little old school I prefer to fit, like to fill my websites with information vs. Social media and that's www.Marinanabao.com I think you're going to provide a link for people. And I'm also on Instagram sometimes not every day, but every week I'm on Instagram as @MarinaNabão. As well, the link will be here. Ufor those of you wanting to work with me, I offer a free session,uwhich is not a free session. It's a free initial conversation for us to get to know each other, see if with vibes. See if what I have to offer is what you're looking for before you make up your mind, all the information is there on my website, You can even schedule your free session there.

Amanda Testa (43:42):

And I'll make sure to put the links in the show notes. And also the transcription is always available at the bottom of the page. So, well, I just appreciate you so much, Marina, thank you so much for all your wisdom and for gracing the listeners with your presence today.

Marina Nabão (44:02):

Thank you. I, I, I feel so honored to be on your podcast and it's so good to be working side by side with you. I feel so privileged with that, and I really hope that people benefit from this conversation because I think that we shared important things here. So thank you so much for everybody listening. Yes.

Amanda Testa (44:23):

Thank you all. And we will see you next week.

Amanda  (00:05):

Hello, and welcome to the podcast. It's Amanda here. And if you are looking for some fun ways to increase your sexy confidence, then you're going to love this episode because I'm going to be diving into some sexy rituals for self-confidence and why pleasure and tuning into yourself creates confidence. So welcome, and thank you so much for listening. I am just reflecting it's July and July is one of my favorite months because, it's my birthday, my mom's birthday, my anniversary, and my daughter's birthday. I have a lot of celebrating in July and also I just love this culmination energy of summer. And I really try to work with that cycle of being able to enjoy more time to play and to be with my family. And I just feel so much joy and pleasure when I can start my day being outside. I treated myself to a flower CSA, which has been so fun to go pick up the flowers at this gorgeous farm and just treat myself to beauty like surrounding myself with beauty does so much to make me feel good.

Amanda  (01:09):

And when I feel good, I have more confidence, right? These little things add up. So when you can reconnect to what brings you pleasure, it also connects you to this internal power within that we all have access to, we have this internal blueprint of health. We all have it. And throughout life, you know, things that happen, leave these imprints, these traumatic imprints that can sometimes make it harder to live life from this blueprint, blueprint place I mean, maybe more often defaulting to the imprints, right? Maybe we were dimming. Maybe we were afraid to ask for what we need. Maybe we're afraid to show up fully. Maybe we are, are alternatively, like meeting all our needs ourselves. We're hypervigilant. We don't trust other people. Right? All these things are ways that we disconnect from what brings us pleasure and joy and, you know, and it can be, you know, and it's also having a lot of compassion and understanding for yourself if this is the case, because it's so common and it's so, you know, it's so normal for us to be, and the society that we live in, it's so focused on, you know, being productive and just extracting every single thing it can.

Amanda  (02:14):

And, you know, it's, it's a, it's a challenging environment in which we live. Let's be honest. So it's no wonder that we struggle. It's definitely not, not our fault. And so what we can do though, is we can create these little rhythms, these little rituals throughout our day throughout our lives, that add up to a lot more stability and pleasure and joy. And from there, it's so much easier to feel confident because when you're doing things that you enjoy, when you're doing things that make you feel good, it shows on many levels, right? And so I'm going to share a few, a few small things that I love to do. And obviously I dive much deeper into this when I work with clients and in my programs. But for now, I just want to give you just some fun things you can play with.

Amanda  (03:01):

Because again, I find curiosity and play to be a really beautiful way to try something new on, right. There's no right or wrong way to do it. You can see if it resonates, if it doesn't no big deal, try something else and just have fun with it. And I, and I know I've talked on the podcast before of why I do believe rituals are so powerful and important is because it creates like this deeper reverence around what you're doing. It can take the most ordinary tasks and add an intention, add some reverence to it, add a little bit of sacred intention and it transforms the experience, right? And so when we create these rituals, we're also working with a deeper part of our brain. So more of us comes online. There's like this little alert to our subconscious, like, huh, this must be something important I should pay attention.

Amanda  (03:51):

And so I think that is one of the reasons I love ritual so much. And also, you know, like anything can be a ritual. It can be the most simple things, but it's just having that, that intention behind it, that sacred intention. And first of all, what I love to do and what I invite my clients to do is to create a ritual space for regular practice, right? And this ritual space can look like anything you want it to, right. It could be, you know, a small little tray on your bedside table. It could be a, a room that you have all to yourself. That's a pretty luxurious thing. So maybe not everyone has access to that, but, you know, maybe it's when I remember when my daughter was little and she would get into everything, I had this little box that I would put in a drawer.

Amanda  (04:37):

And then when I would want to practice, I would pull it out and lovingly like pull everything out and set it up into an altar that was representative of the things that were important to me, that I was calling in. And so I think there's these little things that you can do to create a ritual space can be simple.Maybe it's just, you're casting an energetic ring around where you're sitting. Maybe you light a candle, maybe you play some music, whatever it is, right. Just something to add a little more reverence, to slow down a little to drop in. And I think slowing down so, so helpful. And I get it sometimes slowing down can be hard, especially if you default to anxiety and high energy. That's definitely my go-to sometimes that functional, slow can be challenging for me.

Amanda  (05:26):

So this is why I love having this ritual. So then this ritual space. So then even, even if I'm nearby or if I'm walking by, it just reminds me of what my intentions are. And it reminds me too, that that's important to me and why I make the time for it, because I know that's something that comes up a lot. It's like, oh, this sounds great, but how do I make time? And it's really about being intentional with what you're doing. So that's what, that's why I love ritual so much.

Amanda  (05:54):

The next thing would be something that I love to do, especially if you're working with your sexuality or your sensuality or coming more into your body is perhaps creating you know, some important pieces gathering some things that are important around that, right? Creating a sensuality alter, if you will honoring your intention.

Amanda  (06:13):

So maybe there are certain things that you want to add that are representative of what you want to bring in, right? Maybe, maybe it's some specific crystals or maybe it is a picture that is symbolic to you, or maybe it's, you know, something from nature that elicits that from me and maybe some flowers, right? Maybe it's a candle tapping into that fire, right? So just whatever it is, you can easily create these altars from things that inspire you, right? And maybe there are certain things in your tradition that are, that are sacred and important that you want to add. But I think even just going outside and tuning in, if there are certain things that call to you, you know, just follow those whims, that's how we can learn to listen to our intuition. And, you know, I had a wonderful woman on the podcast, Raven Rose.

Amanda  (07:01):

It was awhile ago, but she I did a beautiful class with her on working with plants and, you know, really being able to listen to the plants and listen to the vibration of the plants. And that might sound a little woo to you, but there is something to being able to tune in to what resonates with you and know that if you're drawn to something there's probably a reason. Right. And obviously don't take anything unless, you know, it's okay to take, right. Some places you can't pick flowers just make sure that you're being respectful. Of where you are. Uso yeah, just be, you know, maybe pulling some things from nature. And if that's something that turns you on,umaybe it's maybe a certain color that turns you on and you want to add that, right. So there's many ways to do it.

Amanda  (07:43):

And then the beautiful thing about this sensuality altar or this ritual space that you've created is that, that is just the reminder that, okay, this is important to me. I'm going to spend time every day. Maybe it's two minutes, maybe it's an hour. It's just whatever time you have to devote. And even if it's just a few minutes every day, that's enough to just connect with that and tune in. Okay. So here are the things I want. These are the things that I'm desiring. These are the aspects of me I want to shine more light on what, what, what what's coming to me, that's inspiring in that area, right? It can be that simple, maybe doing some journaling and just, maybe it's standing here and doing a dance, right. Maybe, you know, just sitting here and maybe making a daily celebration of, okay, here's what I did today that was in service of these desires that I have.

Amanda  (08:36):

I think we don't celebrate enough and our brains have this negativity bias wired in. So it can be really easy to go down the rabbit hole versus focusing on what you are doing, because really those small, consistent steps over time, add up. I mean, there's so many studies about this, but it's so true. And I know there's a great book that I've mentioned before called Tiny Habits by BJ Fogg. He's a behavioral scientist atStanford, but you know, just how we get the small, sometimes the small, easy things are the best. And one of the reasons is because it's more likely that we do it and we want to have goals that are doable so that we feel good when we achieve them. Right. So that's why I love a daily celebration. And when you celebrate, seek it like, oh man, today, I really let my hot tea moment sink in.

Amanda  (09:28):

Right, right. Or when I drank my coffee this morning, I really let it sink in. I like enjoyed the smell, enjoyed the warmth. On my hand, I enjoyed the process of making it, the looking at my mug. I enjoyed it. , Just being in that moment. I'm so celebrating myself for that. Right. Or today when my daughter was losing it, I took three breaths and I was able to give myself a minute before I reacted. And then I remembered, okay, I'm willing to be a loving parent. I'm willing to try something different and was able to respond in a totally different way than I normally would have. This is amazing. Totally celebrating myself for that bragging on yourself as it's such a, it's such a turn on and it can be challenging to do I get that, but it can be such a turn on and letting it like sink in like that.

Amanda  (10:24):

Right. Like I mentioned before, maybe doing some movement daily movement to invite in and celebrate things that you do appreciate about yourself, no matter how small, or if you can't actually do the movement, maybe just visualize your body moving in that way or visualize the energetic, the energetics of that space coming alive or feeling turned on or feeling whatever it is that you want. And so if you're able, one of the things that I love to do, one of my favorite things to do, if I'm like just wanting to feel a little more confident or feel a little more empowered is to do like some full body stomps invoking in , in like power and fire and a will and even destruction if needed, like calling in. Maybe if there's a, something that is reverent to you in that area that, that feels resonant. Right.

Amanda  (11:18):

So, and then just like stomping.I take my right arm and my right leg up and I'm just like, Ooh. And just stop it down and do the other side left arm, left leg, raise it up. And then, huh. And just like stop and like grunt and scream. And it can feel so good because it's a good way to metabolize things that might be sitting that might be stressing you out. That might be holding you back. You get your blood pumping a little bit and you change that environment in which you're sitting , It makes such a difference. It feels so good. And then the final thing that I want to share, well, there's a couple more, I might be riffing a little bit. I'm going off my notes. That's okay. Like journaling, I know some people love journaling.

Amanda  (12:02):

Some people hate journaling. Maybe you just want to draw, I I'm a hit or miss with journaling because I, I, my brain works so much faster than my hand goes. So often I like to type in my journal and like, I use a Google doc and I have my morning musings and I just type it away. Or, you know, some days I will have my journal and I'll write or draw, but you know, just some things to think about as you're building confidence as you're building. And I actually did a great Facebook live about this. I think it might still be my group on self-worth. But anyways, so when you think about some questions that can support you in confidence, number one would be, you know, what are some things that you appreciate about yourself? What are some things you enjoy about yourself? What are some qualities about yourself that you are proud of, right? What are your values? What can you appreciate about yourself?

Amanda  (12:55):

Those are such good questions. And then, you know, what are you good at? When are you really in your element? What are some things that just light you up? And you love to do that. You could just lose a whole day just being immersed in this activity. When you really feel in your element, what were you doing? And perhaps, how can you recreate elements of that experience more often? Perhaps what are some challenges in your life that you've overcome or some bad-ass things you've done in your life? It can be really empowering to just make a list of all the things that you've done in your life that you're proud of. Because sometimes we do not give ourselves enough credit. And that's why I sometimes think it can be helpful to even when you make your list, like put it in a Google doc or somewhere you can refer to it.

Amanda  (13:43):

And then when you're having a rough day, you go to that list and you just read all the things. Maybe asking a few people that you love, some things they, that they appreciate about you just plumping up that blueprint of health, of receptivity, of like connecting to what is good, right. Things that you have done, things that, you know, you can do. And maybe it's little things like maybe it was hard as you know, it was so hard this past week, but guess what I like got up every day and I put my clothes on, that's bad-ass right. It could be anything.

Amanda  (14:23):

Even those like questions like that can be supportive to journal on and then re reference them. I, you know, some, a long, long time ago, one of my mentors when I first started working professionally, you know, like 30 years ago whenver it was, told me you should start saving all the client testimonials that you get all the things that you receive that make you feel good, thank you, notes or this, that, and the other. And so I started this folder of like all these positive things that people we're saying, and I've kept that for years. And it's so great because when you have that kind of external evidence, sometimes there's part of our brain. That's just not wanting to take it in because someone could tell us 25 great things about ourselves and maybe one negative thing. And then we will hone in on that one negative thing.

Amanda  (15:14):

That's that negativity bias that we are wired towards. So it's so important to be like, no, I'm going to choose to focus on the things that I know that people have said, right? You cannot, you can't deny if someone has written a note calling out some of your strengths, right? You have evidence. And so, you know, creating that evidence can be important. One of my coaches, once Avery Ford called talked about having this evidence journal, and I appreciated that because it is, you know, when you have these evidence of things that you are doing well, it just plumps you up plumps up that, oh yeah, I can do this. Oh yeah. I am freaking pretty awesome. Oh yeah. I am a good person. Oh, wow. I've done all these cool things. Right. So then that pumps up your confidence. And the more often these things come together, the more that you're sitting in a new, a new empowered place inside yourself, so that you, you show up in this way more often than not.

Amanda  (16:12):

You've kind of, there's this more whole approach to who you are and how you show up. And this is why I feel like sexuality is a big piece of this because this is historically, especially for women or people socialized as a women in our culture. This is, you know, something that we've been really disconnected from - our bodies, what our bodies are capable of, you know, even being in a female body or, having a pussy, there's oppression there. And so there's a lot that we hold and it often can be in our sexual center. And so these kinds of things over time, we don't realize it, but can be holding us back from our wholeness. So when we integrate all these different pieces of ourselves and just plump up, what's good plump up that blueprint that we all have within us, then there's more health overall.

Amanda  (17:10):

There's more integration, there's more wholeness. And I think that is such a powerful thing, which leads to confidence. So hopefully some of these sexy rituals have peaked some inspiration in you. And maybe there's some that you'd like to try on, and I'd love to hear how that goes for you. And if you love this type of thing, then stay tuned because I'm going to be doing a super fun challenge coming up in a few weeks. That's going to be all around igniting this sensual superstar, this sexual superstar within you. So you can be on the lookout for that. If you're on my email list, make sure you're on there. Cause that's where I'm going to send out all the information www.amandatesta.com/sensuality/ And that will also share with you a beautiful ritual you can do in your beautiful ritual space that you have created next to your beautiful sensuality altar.

Amanda  (18:06):

If you choose to do that as well. And thank you again for listening. I so appreciate you listening. And I really want to just let you know that this podcast is such a joy to create. I think I'm coming up on almost 200 episodes, which there's going to be something fun coming up for that too. I think that's going to be in the, you know, probably late fall, early winter when I hit 200 episodes, but it's close and I couldn't do it without all your support. So thank you again for always listening if this is something that lights you up, please share with a friend, or if you haven't yet written me a review on iTunes or apple podcasts, please give me a five star review. And you know, if there's any words that you'd like to share that you appreciated, please send that in too because it really does help the listenership. It helps the podcast grow and I am so very grateful. So wishing you so much love maybe if it feels good right now, perhaps taking three deep breaths into your low belly. Maybe even just noticing in this moment, what might, what might be one of these that I want to try on? Is there one of these rituals I want to play with? All right. See you next week.

Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire Podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a Sex Love and Relationship coach. And in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex love and relationships and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome.

Amanda Testa (00:22):

Hello, and welcome to the podcast. It is your host, Amanda Testa here, and I am going to be sharing today three secrets for a more orgasmic summer. At the time of this recording it's summer. And I don't know about you, but I am so glad that summer is here. And this morning I was actually sitting in my backyard. We redid our backyard this year and thank goodness because it was a disaster and now it's a beautiful, and I was enjoying the flowers and the hydrangeas about to bloom and like all these cone flowers are so pink and beautiful and listening to the birds. And I just love those moments in the backyard. And I just felt such a great sense of peace and inspiration, which not every day I get to tap into that first thing. I really do my best to try to, but today felt great.

Amanda Testa (01:12):

And it just got me thinking about how these seasonal cycles, you know, you've heard me talk about the seasonal cycles of sexuality before, but the greatest thing about summer and summer is about it's about mastery. It's about maturing. It's about fully coming into yourself. So there's there's a sense of expansion and fullness and full bloom and expressiveness and fun and freedom, right? There's like this, this fullness in life and an expansion and explosion of, of life. And you can see it in nature. And I'm so grateful cause I live here in Colorado and the wild flowers are gorgeous this year because we've had tons of rain, which we don't usually have in the spring. And you know, some of the qualities that come to mind when I think of summer are that, that rich color, that aliveliness, that activity, that kind of like the sense of culmination.

Amanda Testa (02:05):

And when you think about orgasm in general, if you think about what would be the seasonal cycle of an orgasm, well, summer would be that actual orgasmic experience. So it can show up in a lot of different forms. It could be perhaps a waves of pleasure or these little rivulets of pleasure or a full-on explosion, or perhaps a sweet, still luscious pleasure. But it's, you know, it's kind of viewed as this finale of the sexual experience. And you know, when you think about how you can really make the most of summer and how you can enjoy it to its fullest, I feel like it's about just letting go and just relaxing and not holding on too hard to things. Really fully experiencing, fully expanding all the goodness and enjoying it. And so I say, what better time than summer to play with your sexuality and expanding your orgasm and what, you know, hot girl summer means to you, which I think that term may or may not resonate with you, but I just think it's fun to think about just that freedom, that freedom feeling in summer.

Amanda Testa (03:15):

I always think about, you know, there's a certain memories I have as a kid of summertime when I was, you know, maybe in middle school, I guess, and just feeling so excited and going to the pool and like seeing boys and being all excited and just feeling that there was such an excitement in summer. And I still feel like that can be something we can grab onto, you know, I love summer. It feels like now things are becoming a little bit more open. There's this more connectivity, there's more socializing, it's warm, it feels so good to be warm. I love being warm and you know, so why not play with having better orgasms from there right now in the summertime? So today I'm going to dive in to a little bit more about what the keys of orgasm are and how you can, how you can tap into having some better ones.

Amanda Testa (04:01):

So first of all, I'm going to share a little bit about what orgasm means to me. And something that I think is really key here is just expanding your definition of what that looks like for you. Because our current understanding of orgasm, mostly for women and non-binary people who have lived experience of being a woman is very limiting because it's a really based on a male model and the physiological understanding with the focus, just being on that experience of, you know, kind of contractions of the pelvic floor muscles and like that the you know, those, those characteristics of like everything comes to a peak and then that's it right? And it's possible to have orgasms thatt don't look like that at all. There are so many vast ways and possibilities when it comes to pleasure and orgasm. So I really think it's important to have a new lens in viewing what orgasm means.

Amanda Testa (04:55):

And one of my mentors, Layla Martin talks about three key elements for orgasm, which I think this is a really, a really great way to look at it because when you can kind of break it down, you can see for yourself, huh? What areas do I Excel in? And what areas could be an opportunity for growth for me, right? Because we're all different. And we're all going to experience things differently. And there's such beauty in so many ways to enjoy pleasure and to enjoy orgasm. And it can look so many different ways. So it's fun to play with those different options.

Amanda Testa (05:35):

So the three key elements for orgasm would be number one, pleasure, right? There's something pleasurable that you're experiencing in your body. You're enjoying the sensation. It feels good. Number two, there is an expansion and movement of this pleasure, right? So the pleasure perhaps spreads, maybe oftentimes it's in the genitals. Then it kind of expands from there. There's some type of expansion, there's some type of movement happening. And then third is this surrender, this mind shift that happens. And those three components, pleasure, expansion and surrender are, are the key in really dropping into the experience, enjoying it to the fullest. And usually one of these components is missing from the experience. If you are not having satisfaction, o not having the sexual experiences that you want. So that is kind of a good rate to look into it and be like, Hmm, is this resonating, are there one of these three things that I do feel like I excel in?

Amanda Testa (06:36):

Or are there some that are struggles for me? Right? And so again, those struggles can show up, you know, with like not having enough pleasure or not feeling that buildup, not feeling that expansion or movement of the pleasure or not being able to have that shift in your mind shift. But that experience of surrender of letting go of just like dissolve the dissolving into the bliss. And that can be super scary for people. And, you know, so I just want to just stop too and reiterate, maybe just noticing how well this is landing. Maybe it might feel good to take a breath or two.

Amanda Testa (07:13):

And just understanding the journey towards orgasm is not always simple, right? Because we have such conditioning throughout our lives about what it needs to look like and how it needs to feel. And you know, it's really about dismantling systematically the, the psychological control that's been embedded in our body and our psyche over the years, reclaiming our, our orgasmic potential and reclaiming surrender, reclaiming celebration, reclaiming pleasure. These are all huge things, feeling comfortable in your body, understanding your anatomy, right. We did not learn these things coming along. So it's totally understandable that even as I remember reading The Women's Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston, which is a great book, and I just remember reading it in my thirties and being like, why was I never taught these things? Like we don't have an understanding of our own anatomy. A lot of the time.

Amanda Testa (08:06):

So many times a woman are, are so are shocked to understand that the cliteracy is more than just that little bowl, right. It's kind of more like a wishbone. So it's got legs that run on either side of the vaginal opening. So it's there are so many delicious erectile tissues in our, in our, in our anatomy as well. So there's so much to learn and to understand. So, and then also you've got to learn to work with your body to see what's in resistance. Like, what are the things standing in the way and what needs to be resolved that perhaps there's past traumas or perhaps there's other things that are standing in the way, right? Part of this could be creating a new sexual story and all these are processes I use when I work with my clients to reclaim that orgasmic pleasure.

Amanda Testa (08:45):

But you know, I want to break it down a little bit piece by piece on each one of those areas. And maybe some things you can do, because I really feel like the journey to orgasmic bliss is, is not always a straight line and it can come and go. I think I mentioned this on one of my, one of my posts recently, just about how you can lose your orgasm and you can get it back. So just know we all have seasons and we can honor those. Yes. It's summertime right now, but maybe you're in a different season and that's okay. But let's, let's break this down.

Amanda Testa (09:21):

So for looking at the first key of pleasure, how do you feel more pleasure, right. When you think about this, you can often, oftentimes when we think about pleasure, we think about only sex. And I know I talk about this all the time, because it's so true because it's not just that right.

Amanda Testa (09:36):

It's expanding pleasure in all areas of your life. So that can look like celebrating and saying yes to any and all pleasurable experiences, right? Embracing what you desire, embracing what feels good, just creating this context, of pleasure often in all areas. And I know one of the things that I like to think about, it's just even in the moment, like what can I do to make what I'm doing a little bit more pleasurable? Maybe I want to change how I'm sitting. Maybe I want to adjust my clothing. Maybe I want to, you know, light a candle. Maybe I want to diffuse something that smells good. Maybe I want to clean up a pile of clutter in the corner of my eye. So I have peace in my visual sphere. Right? So there's all these things you know, really saying yes to what feels good and in letting yourself enjoy it. So, you know, we're all different too, because we all are turned on by different things. And so even today, I'll just invite you. Like, what's something you can do today that totally brings you pleasure. And when you're doing it, just noticing, like how could I turn up the dial on this even more? Right. What if I could have the most maximal pleasurable experience right now doing what I'm doing, even if it's like taking a sip of your coffee, which I'm going to do right now.

Amanda Testa (10:55):

I just love it. I love the bitterness. I love like the creamy texture going down my throat. Oh, it's so good. So, you know, those types of things are so big, you know, and just, if you find it hard to experience, pleasure or experience, turn on, you know, this is an opportunity to explore that maybe exploring different types of touch, different sensations, different parts of your body, because we can be so blocked to pleasure from our environment, from the limiting beliefs that we get coming along, right. Maybe there's different parts of us that don't feel okay with it. Maybe we were shamed or maybe there's sexual shame or religious shame. And so you don't feel comfortable in your own body, right? Maybe there are certain traumas or habitual patterns inside the body that are showing up. Maybe there's pain, maybe there's numbness. You know, maybe it's this feeling that pleasure, isn't safe, perhaps other emotions that come up.

Amanda Testa (11:48):

I mean, there's so many things tied into here. This is why it's sometimes really helpful to have an experienced guide to help you work through some of these things. Because then you can really systematically go through the parts that are blocking your pleasure and don't let them stop you anymore. Right? The more you can build pleasure, the more you can have that nourishment that aliveness available for an orgasmic. So I like to think about it as you know, like this precious, this pleasure is like this precious elixir flowing through your veins. Right. And you can just allow that to keep flowing and let it go where you want. Right. So those would be some tips around pleasure.

Amanda Testa (12:28):

And the second thing would be the component of expansion or movement. So specifically when it comes to orgasm, when you think about you have this pleasure, then it starts to expand, right?

Amanda Testa (12:42):

So you feel maybe a movement or you feel maybe it getting bigger or stronger or more right. Intense. And so what that expansion really allows you to do is to let the pleasure flow, to let the pleasure move right. You really need to have, it has to be built up first in order to expand, right. So if there is no pleasure, then there's nothing to expand. And so that's why that first step of building pleasure is so key. Then you can work on expanding that, right. Allowing it to fill more and more and more and more. And can you say yes to it more and more, and what are some things that support that expansion? Well, just even consciously relaxing, right? I've got a great that's part of the, Get In the mood meditation that I have. You can get it at www.amandatesta.com/getinthemood, It just really walks you through an exercise to like breathe and relax and to drop in before sex or before you connect with your partner so that you can feel more relaxed because part of it, you know, stress and the sex drive are really connected.

Amanda Testa (13:44):

So there's a, you know, a great book called Burnout by Dr. Emily Nagoski, talking a lot about her book in her book Come As You Are on how to have great orgasms, how to have great sex. Part of her research found that so much of what blocks pleasure specifically for women is stress, feeling overwhelmed, feeling stress, not being able to drop into the moment, always thinking the next thing that to do list the things I have to take care of, all the laundry, the errands, the emails, all the things, right? And so that's a big key. The relaxation part is such a first step. And again, this can start in all areas of your life and then move into sexual experiences because that is a big key. That's why I, so much of my work is around working with your nervous system and learning how to drop into more relaxed state, because that kind of gets that front part of your brain.

Amanda Testa (14:38):

That's like always thinking and, you know, problem-solving, it kind of quiets it down so you can drop more into the sensational and the primal brain, which, you know, really speaks in sensation. So you can drop in more. And you know, the other thing when you are looking to support expansion is thinking about, okay, maybe there's not a lot of pleasure. What can I do to expand that? Or where's the pleasure not flowing? Where might there be blocks? You know, maybe you feel it in certain areas, but not other areas, or maybe you notice it moving to a certain spot, but then it won't move past there. So you can kind of mentally invite that expansion into those parts of you. Like, can you relax into that spot? Can you breathe into that spot? So for example, a lot of times you can be blocked in your solar plexus and your, you know, so thinking about that whole band of your body and just allowing your breath to flow, allowing the pleasure to move. I think the breath is such a key component here because we can do so much with our breath and our focus and our intention, these holistic sex tools that, that are so helpful. So, you know, when you have this more movement that kind of also leads to the ability to, to let it flow, to relax into it, to surrender to it.

Amanda Testa (15:56):

And I think something that can be really helpful here and really profound is understanding that that expansion doesn't always have to be just physical. It could also be psychological when sometimes we have these psychological shifts that then it does lift to lead to the physiological shifts, right? So we can have it in our mind and it can move to the body. And I think a big key of expansion is understanding your sexual energy, and that can be a whole nother chapter. So I'm not going to dive too deeply into that in this episode. But you know, our sexual energy is important because when you can perceive your sexual energy, you can move your pleasure. You can move your turn on. And that movement expansion piece is one of those three core components. So once you learn how to tap into your sexual energy and how to move it, it allows you to have bigger and more full-bodied experiences and your orgasm can take on a fully different feeling. And so that's when you hear people talking about full body orgasms, orgasms all over your body, that is one of the keys to allowing that pleasure to expand in those ways.

Amanda Testa (16:59):

And I can talk more about that in another episode, but that is another, you know, another big part of the work I do with my clients. So, and then finally, it's the mind/shift surrender component. So you've got the pleasure. This pleasure is expanding, it's overflowing. And then it's the surrender, right? That surrender into the pleasure, the bliss. And this part can be really scary for people, but this is where it's such bliss comes in. You know, when people talk about how sex connects you to the divine, you do have this thinning of the veil when you are experiencing this deep, deep layers of bliss and pleasure and ecstasy, and it's such an exquisite thing. And I think every person should be enjoying it. And if you're not know that you can, that's it's possible for you to. Some of the things, when I think about surrender, what come to me are just that ability to trust, to let go that deeply.

Amanda Testa (17:56):

And that can be very challenging for some people. So when you think about surrendering, you know, there's some techniques that can help you drop into that. You can do some breath work, you can just have that intention, like when you go into an exceptional experience, letting it be what it is, and maybe even having that intention just to surrender to the moment, drop in as deeply as you can. And just let go, let go of the outcome, give yourself over to the experience. And it's an art form. It's a practice, right? Just, I would invite you to just open yourself up to it and be gentle and loving to yourself because it can feel like dropping off a cliff for some people and know that's normal too. If you feel that way, because to be able to, to feel your body without control, it's this deep surrender, this really beautiful, beautiful experience.

Amanda Testa (18:49):

And so how can you tap more into surrender? Well, I think a big part of this too, is receiving how can you practice receiving on all areas big to small, right? So how are you at receiving in general? Can you receive even a simple compliment? Can you, or is it something where you're like, oh, you know, this whole thing for vs saying, thank you. And let it soak in, you know, if your partner does something kind for you, can you really receive it deeply? I mean, today, I even had an example of that. My husband, he was playing with a mustache and growing one and I wasn't loving it. And I, you know, had to just tell him that what my deep fear around that wasn't, wasn't a fear, but it was just like, I don't like the pain that I experienced. I don't feel like it's worth it.

Amanda Testa (19:41):

And sometimes it makes me feel unvalued or like, you are just saying, fuck you, because, and he's not at all right. So we had this conversation, he shaved it off. I felt so. So just so much gratitude and just that simple act of him shaving the mustache. Oh my God. It like was huge to be able to receive that. And just, I'm like, yes, it's your body. You can do whatever you want with it. You can wear whatever kind of facial hair or hair. I don't care, but it does, it did hurt my very sensitive skin. And so I'm just so happy now that I don't have to worry about getting rashes after we have sex or kiss. Yay. so you know, there's little things like I received that so deeply. And even if you think about what your kids do, like if they draw you a picture, like, can you take a minute and just like, let that sweet love and adoration soak in.

Amanda Testa (20:29):

If a friend just calls you out of the blue, can you just be like, Uh, so grateful for that connection. And even just, even being outside, receiving nature, receiving the cycles that are there, you know, even just taking a hand and putting it on your heart and just allowing yourself to feel your heartbeat and to feel your breath and just receive that gift of life. Right? There's so many ways to expand this capacity to receive and to surrender. And you know, maybe even practicing a little ways, you can let go a little ways. You can let go of control. Perhaps it's something like, I'm not going to worry about how my family replaces the toilet paper roll. That can be a big source of tension, you know, little things, but like, where are the little areas that you can release control? Maybe if you're like a control freak about the driving, for example, can you let your partner drive?

Amanda Testa (21:24):

Sometimes maybe you're a control freak about wanting to have their remote control. Can someone else be in charge? You know, just those little things, little teeny ways to, to give over a small sense of control and feel safe and feel comfortable in that, survive it, let your body know that, okay, I did it and I survived it and this is okay. Right? So then you can take it one step further. That's why, when you're looking at having great sex and having better orgasms, all of these things are sometimes there's a lot of layers and a lot of unwinding that needs to happen to be able to get to those peak states. And so that's part of the reason I got into this work in the first place, because I, for myself had no clue what I was capable of, what my body was capable of.

Amanda Testa (22:10):

And once I learned, I was like, well, hello, this needs to be shouted from the mountaintops because no one knows these things and they're learnable things and they're doable things. And even if it feels really far away, I can assure you it's possible. You know, and there's no rush. Like we have our whole life to play, right? There's so many avenues here for exploration, for curiosity. And you know, this is the work I love doing. So if this is something that you want to explore more, you can always reach out. But again, you know, thinking about these three keys and where might you, where might you want to play, where might be an area of exploration for you. And I'd love to hear how your pleasure expansion goes and wishing you lots of fun and many orgasms this summer. And we will see you next week.

Amanda Testa (22:59):

Thank you so much for listening to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. This is your host Amanda test set. And if you have felt a calling while listening to this podcast to take this work to a deeper level, this is your golden invitation invite you to reach out. You can contact me@amandatestthe.com slash activate, and we can have a heart to heart to discuss more about how this work can transform your life. You can also join us on Facebook and group, find your feminine fire group. Again, if you've enjoyed this podcast, please share with your friends, go to iTunes and give me a five star rating and a raving review. So I can connect with other amazing listeners like yourself. Thank you so much for being a part of the community.

Amanda Testa (00:01):

Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a Sex, Love and Relationship coach. And in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex love and relationships and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome.

Amanda Testa (00:21):

Hello, and welcome to the podcast today. I am going to dive into what it really takes to reclaim desire. Something I hear all the time from clients is the wanting to want. If you are someone who is listening and you, you know, you want to be turned on, you want to desire. You want to desire your partner. You want to feel turned on again, and you just don't this episode, will hopefully shine some light on some things you can do, because truly what it really takes to reclaim desire sexually is a lot bigger than just sexually right it's life.

Amanda Testa (00:57):

And so many of us are just as we go through life, as we go through the motions, as we get trapped up in the to-dos and the daily things and taking care of everyone else, we really turn ourselves off to our eroticism, right. This ability to, to feel alive, to feel radiant, to have confidence and to enjoy pleasure, right? So these things are so key. So I invite you to just take a breath or two and enjoy this episode.

Amanda Testa (01:29):

So yes. What does it take to reclaim desire? And as I mentioned before, I was actually earlier today was watching a very inspiring series called The Wisdom of Trauma, which is a beautiful movie that is just coming out. But anyways, it's it's about really how trauma affects our lives and what we can do to reclaim our pleasure and joy and many different ways.

Amanda Testa (01:55):

And so one of the interviews that I listened to was with Dr. Ester Perel, who I adore, and you might be familiar with her. She has a great podcast called Where do we begin? And she's written numerous bestselling books, and she's just a really famous sex therapist. But so she was talking just about how so often in our lives, we, depending on, you know, whatever happens, it's like we don't need to focus so much unnecessarily on what happened, which sometimes, you know, that's important, but it's really focusing on how do you reclaim a sense of sovereignty over yourself? How do you reclaim feeling good? And, you know, when it comes to our relationships, even if you've been in a long-term relationship where it's been very loving, perhaps you have, you know, maybe given more than you've received some of the time, or maybe there's resentment, that's built up.

Amanda Testa (02:42):

And so all these things come into play when you're looking to feel turned on again in your relationship. And when I think about feeling sexually fulfilled and feeling like my eroticism is alive and I'm fully connected to my Feminine Fire and turned on in life, it's more than just in the bedroom, right? So when I talk about this sense of aliveness, what I think that means for me is just feeling more, you know, more in the present moment, more able to enjoy my sensations, more able to be present. And actually there was a book that I just recently read called Digital Minimalism. And one of the things that it talks about is how even our fingertips are losing sensation because of the time we spend on screens, devices and typing. And that to me was extremely sad to, to, to note. But so, you know, having a sense of aliveness as being turned on to the world around you, being able to enjoy the beauty around you, to, you know, kind of have a wider perspective of your life versus just kind of the zoomed in narrow focus of, okay, what's the next thing I have to do.

Amanda Testa (03:46):

Okay. I got to do this, that and the other, and just always being focused on what's to do, to do, to do right. Being in that hamster wheel of survival, of overwhelm, which we can all have those times, right? So aliveliness would be feeling more, being more present. And then when I think about radiance, what I think about is, you know, having this inner glow, this energetic aliveliness, which again can be shut down in our day-to-day life when we are not allowing ourselves to tune into what's good. And when we are allowing ourselves to turn into what's good, and to let this energy flow this radiance, then we have more confidence, right? We have more ability to ask for what we need to even know what our needs are, to ask for them, to receive them. Right. And to trust that they'll be received, trust that we can, we can have those things given to us or find them for ourselves if we need to.

Amanda Testa (04:36):

And then with that becomes this higher level of pleasure and desire, right? So as I dive into this episode, I'm curious even just how those things are landing, if this is resonating with you, because you know, those, those questions that they're so rooted in so many things. And if we think about what it takes for ourselves to feel turned on and desire often, you know, we need to have this foundation of feeling taken care of feeling like our basic needs are met. And sometimes when we're in this overwhelm cycle, we don't have our basic needs met. So it's, you know, it's going to be harder to find desire when you aren't getting enough sleep or when you're not taking care of yourself, or when you are overworked to the point where you can't ever relax when your nervous system is always in a state of anxiety or alternatively depression.

Amanda Testa (05:23):

So there's obviously a multi-layered approach here. This is why when sometimes clients just, you know, want to have, you know, feel turned on and to want their partners. There's obviously a lot of nuances that play many times, but one of the things that you can do, one of the first things that you can do to feel more alive again, is to even think of that. What are some things that make me feel good, right? What are some things that turn me on? What are some things that I desire? And that's why I still often talk about creating a desire list and refreshing it weekly because these things change on a day to day basis. And I do believe our desires, our internal compass, they're so key to connect to you on a regular basis. Our intuition tells us what we need tells us what we're lacking, right. And when we're not getting what we need, we're so much more likely to be reactive, to be angry, to shut down, to be numb.

Amanda Testa (06:14):

Because somewhere along that line, we are either don't know what we want. Can't ask for it, can't receive it, all these things, right. So I'll invite you to just contemplate that question. How do I, when do I feel, what are the things I want, right? What do I desire and set a timer for 10 minutes, just write. You know, what are the things that make me feel turned on? Maybe it's when I, I moved my body. Maybe it was when I take a walk. Maybe it's when I play and laugh with my kids. Maybe it's when I am enjoying the sunset. Maybe it's when I'm eating a delicious meal. Maybe it's when I am feeling inspired in my work, so just taking some time and just maybe you enjoying that down, what are some things that help you reclaim your desire? What are some things that make you feel good?

Amanda Testa (07:01):

And when you feel these things that, you know, and then after you make that list circle, one of the two are the things that are actually things you can do in the next few days and do them and notice how you feel, right? Because when you're able to connect to your desires and connect to the things that make you feel turned on, right, that make you feel alive, that make you feel worthy, make you feel deserving, then you can feel wanted. And then when you feel wanted, you can want, and then eventually you can translate that into erotic desire and turn on, right? So on the alternative side, you know, if you think about the ways that you feel unwanted or, or, you know, something about yourself, you don't like or undeserving, or those things create a shutdown in you, right? Oh, I never have any time.

Amanda Testa (07:48):

Or I'm always taking care of everyone else, or there's always something to do, or I can't ever get any alone time. Right. All those things are going to Shut you down more versus focusing on what are the things that I do want, how can I make more things that things happen more often in my life. And you know, when you think about that, you know, even think about maybe some things that first turned you on when you and your partner got together, probably a lot was, you know, seeing them in their element or you being seen in your element. You know? So remembering those things, like what are the things that turned me on, who do I love to be around? What do I love to do and make time for those things, because then you are going to feel more desire in your bigger life.

Amanda Testa (08:30):

And when you feel more desire in your bigger life, you're able to bring that into the bedroom. So just wanted to share those tips because I think that's so key. And you know, when you, and that connection, yeah. To ourselves, to our desires is so important into our connecting, to our eroticism and our desire and wanting our partner and wanting to want sex and wanting to, you know, delight in that aspect of our existence. And so it's such a, those are some really great ways that you can just start to connect to desire and how that translates. So I'll invite you this for the next week. Perhaps you can sit down, write your desire list. How many of those things can you make happen? Even if it's the simplest thing, and don't censor yourself when you write this list, because it's so much fun to just allow your imagination to play.

Amanda Testa (09:27):

And so many times I talk to women who are so overwhelmed. They don't even know what they want. They're like, man, if I had a day to myself, I don't even know what I would do. And I have been there. I get it because sometimes when you're just so depleted, you don't even know. And so maybe it's, oh my gosh, you know, what if I just had a day, I would just probably sleep the whole day. Great. Probably means you are very, your nervous system is very overwhelmed and you just need rest. And when we are more rested, then we can actually tune into our needs a little more. And it's easy to find ourselves depleted. And this past year has been a hell of a year, right? COVID and everything else and coming out of it now sometimes when we come on the other side of a big experience, we can feel the imprints, that experience left on us.

Amanda Testa (10:12):

Maybe during the time we didn't really notice it, but maybe now that you're coming up, you're realizing, wow, this last year, it really took it out of me in more ways than one more ways than I realized the constant togetherness with our families. You know, the constant being, you know, afraid of the pandemic or whatever was going on so much can be coming up now. So I'll invite you to just tune into these things and how can you connect to more desire this week? And I will look forward to supporting you in this if you need it. So again, when we can connect to this aliveliness to this desire, that's what it takes. And it's not just sexually it's in all areas. And that is just one of the ways I wanted to share how you can tune in and really bring in more desire into your life starting now.

Amanda Testa (11:06):

And if you need help in this area, I'm here for, you can always reach out and really we can dive deeper on maybe what are the, what are the layers of support that you're missing? What, what is it that you really truly need to desire to want and to allow yourself to be wanted and to receive, right? Hope you have a beautiful day or evening wherever you are. And before we close, I'll just let you to perhaps take a few deep breaths into your low belly, just even hearing now noticing what part of you might feel stable might feel good, perhaps noticing, something that might be

Speaker 2 (11:53):

Beautiful in your sight, something a texture, a color that you like, or that you notice that draws your eye. And just knowing that even these simple things can drop you into the present moment anytime. See you next week.

Amanda Testa (12:16):

Thank you so much for listening to the find your Feminine Fire Podcast. This is your host, Amanda Testa. And if you have felt a calling while listening to this podcast to take this work to a deeper level, this is your golden invitation invite you to reach out. You can contact www.amandatesta.com/activate/ And we can have a heart to heart to discuss more about how this work can transform your life. You can also join us on Facebook in the group "Find Your Feminine fire Group. " And if you've enjoyed this podcast, please share with your friends, go to iTunes and give me a five star rating and a rating review. So I can connect with other amazing listeners like yourself. Thank you so much for being a part of the community.

Amanda Testa (00:03):

Hello, and welcome to the podcast. It is your host, Amanda Testa, and thank you so much for being here. First of all, I just want to thank each and every one of you for tuning in and listening to the podcast, it is an honor to be able to show up for you every week and bring you guests that I hope will enrich your day. And today I was feeling this call to do an episode around honoring our cycles. And I know I've talked about this before, but in particular with regards to opening and creating a ritual around a new beginning, and today it's actually the new moon and the solar eclipse. And so it felt kind of apropos today. Cause I was doing a ritual this morning and for myself, as many of you who have been following me know it's been kind of a chaotic few months.

Amanda Testa (00:56):

I feel like I am emerging from this deep winter. And I think I realized I was in it at the time, but sometimes it's after a big wave that you're like, man, that was intense. Right? And that's how things leave their imprint on us because afterwards we feel the effect. It's maybe not necessarily the thing. It's how we and our bodies and our nervous systems respond to the thing. And I think through the storm of, you know, my husband, kind of moving through some health things and COVID, and all of it, I realized now I'm moving into this cycle to be on the other side. And it's such a powerful thing to note and realize when we have these portals, we can choose to embrace them versus fight them. And yes, sometimes it can be a challenge. I get it. And at the time it's the last thing you want to do.

Amanda Testa (01:51):

And during those times, I mean, I think even for myself, just allowing myself to be, as I was to not force myself to change, not force myself, to be inauthentic, to my experience, right. I was allowing myself to feel the feels and allow the support of friends and community and allow myself time off to just be with all the things and caregive and everything. And it felt really, really amazing. Now that I'm looking back, I was like, I'm glad this is something that years ago I probably would not have done. I would have like muscled through pretended everything was fine and not given myself or not accepted the help and support or asked for it. I even asked for the help and support, which is something that was like night and day for old Amanda. She would not have asked for help. I'm sure.

Amanda Testa (02:41):

You've probably heard the story before about when my daughter was first born and I needed to, after my daughter was born and I had a lot of bleeding still and I wasn't supposed to drive yet. And I remember I like couldn't even ask for, I couldn't even call someone to help me. And I know any one of my friends would have been there. My niece would, would've been there. My husband would have done it. I just did not think to ask. Right. I didn't want him to have to leave work and help me out to go to the store and get, grab me some pads or whatever I needed. Right. So I just remember stuffing toilet paper in my underwear and going about my day being like, well, I'll eventually get it taken care of. And that was a turning point realizing I need to learn to ask for help. I need to learn to receive it. And I need to learn to be okay knowing I can't do it all by myself. Right. I feel like in our day and age, we really have placed a lot of value on individualism, which I think is not healthy for us.

Amanda Testa (03:38):

Right. So really thinking about the whole a lot, right. We're not meant to do it alone, we're meant to co-create right? To be in a sacred relationship to all that is. So on that note, I wanted to share today a little more about, you know, moving through these cycles. I wanted to share a ritual that I really love around this because it's a simple ritual and I really feel rituals are so powerful because they can be such an amazing, an amazing way to really mark a transformation to mark a change, a Rite of passage, so to speak. And, you know, ritual has been used as a means for healing and transformation for generations and generations. And it pulls on to lots of different parts of us, right? We're able to tap into our creativity and use our imagination and really play with what we want to be possible.

Amanda Testa (04:37):

And to also remember this possibility of what we want, that wants us to right? Bringing in that remembrance of our own wisdom and our own truth. So I just love rituals so much. And I think that, you know, honoring those natural rhythms of expansion of contraction of seasons, and they don't always correspond with the actual outside seasons, right. It can be the dead of summer and you could be in the dead of winter in your own personal life experience. So I feel like this spring I was in my winter and now I'm noticing the shift into the spring and this new surge of creativity and possibility and pleasure. And I know I teach about pleasure all the time. And even as someone who values, pleasure and finds it in all ways, sometimes it can be hard to access even for me. And in these past few months it was harder to access.

Amanda Testa (05:34):

So in those times, what do you do? Well, then you try to just connect to the things that feel good, the things that are nourishing, the things that support you, whatever that looks like. Right? So maybe for me, it was taking a lot of walks with my dog. Maybe it was listening to music that I enjoyed. Maybe it was inviting in more time to lounge around and watch Netflix. We got into Ted Lasso, which was a riot. When my husband was healing, it was so fun. But you know, those types of things, you got to honor where you are and maybe full body orgasms are not on the menu that day. Okay. But the good news is, is they, they come back. Right. And if any of you have ever seen that Sex In The City episode, I know that was a show I used to watch in my day.

Amanda Testa (06:20):

We loved it, but there was an episode where Samantha loses her orgasm and it comes, it's like connected to her being in grief. And so yes, you can lose your orgasm at times and you can get it back. So I think that's, I just wanted to note that about pleasure and how the cycles can affect that pleasure too. So now, as I'm feeling the spring, coming in, I'm feeling more connected to pleasure and orgasmic pleasure, right? And so I'm inviting in this. And so this morning I did a ritual and these, you can do, I feel like this kind of transition ritual can be done at any time at any place around any real thing. Right. But creating this is just making that statement to yourself, to the universe that this is a transition point. I'm going to honor this. I'm going to honor everything I've been through.

Amanda Testa (07:17):

I'm going to honor all the experiences that I had and I'm going to, you know, kind of releasing some things here. So I made this list of all the things that I honored about these, this past cycle, all the things that I am releasing, you know, all the fear and all the self doubt, all the sadness, all the, everything,you know, really going for a couple of pages there, journaling down all these things and taking some time to let that sink in to really be with what you've been through, to be with your journey. Right? So for me, what this ritual space looked like this morning was lighting a candle and spending a few minutes breathing and then taking this time to reflect and really honor that it's been a tough time and spend some, a good few minutes, a good, you know, 15 minutes honoring that and just being with it and kind of grieving it and letting it go.

Amanda Testa (08:24):

And then I torched it, which I love to do. And then I wrote a new list this new way of being that I'm calling in for this new cycle. Right? So making that list of all the things that I am excited to be stepping into and all the things that I am calling in, right. Really stating my desires and feeling them in my body and owning that. And from that space, doing a ritual cleansing of some sort, whatever, whatever floats your boat in that area. Right? So for me, it was a ritual shower, but it could be even just, you know, doing a smudge, if that's something that is in your tradition or that you enjoy, it could be something like just anointing yourself with some oils, essential oils, or, you know, washing your hands symbolically, you know, really it's the intention we put behind the action that creates that depth to the ritual.

Amanda Testa (09:18):

So for me, it was a ritual shower. And what that looked like was I got in and I let the water flow down. I really visualized, like from the top of my head, slowly down, every part and piece that this water was cleansing me, that this water was honoring me, that this water was you know, honoring the, the journey that I've been on and welcoming in this new transition. And then when I got out of the shower, I did an anointing ritual with oil, like really honoring and welcoming this new version of me in this moment. Right. Cause we do every moment, we're evolving every minute we're changing. So stepping into this new version and that was my ritual. And so I really feel that for me personally, this day has been huge, the shift in my energy since then, and just how things kind of aligned.

Amanda Testa (10:11):

Like I was able to connect with a beautiful friend from Paris on zoom. We were able to have an impromptu family coffee date. I got called in to teach a pleasure breathwork practice for another friend in her program. So, you know, all these little things start falling into place that feel really good. And so I do attribute that to many things, but partly this ritual. And I think the other thing that I wanted to share around this today is that anything that you feel like is an important thing to note in your life is worth it, right? It can be a little thing or a big thing. It doesn't always have to be some huge anniversary or graduation or whatever it can be, you know, it's, whatever it means for you to create magic and richness and honoring for yourself and your life.

Amanda Testa (11:14):

Right? Because I think that's part of living a pleasure filled life, living a turned on life is honoring all the aspects of what life is, right. Finding that presence and potency in the terrible times, as well as, in the amazing times. Right. And I think I even wrote the day that my husband was having a surgery that was in the hospital, like how does one find pleasure in the hospital? Because I really was leaning into that. It's number one surrendering, right? You really just have to surrender to what will be and surrendering into the support of the, the staff, the nurses, surrendering to the amazing sweet volunteers that were playing piano, or, you know, checking in on you and the crappy free coffee, right. Sitting next to a window and just enjoying the, you know, hideous, the waiting room, all the things.

Amanda Testa (12:09):

Butmostly I think just being present to my experience and allowing myself to, to move through all the things and gratefully, thankfully, everything's great. He's fine. We're doing well. But that day, I just remember, you know, these are the reasons we do all this work is for our nervous systems to be resilient when times are hard so that, you know, all the pleasure in the world is it does have a purpose. It does have a point because we are rewiring our brains to more quickly access pleasure. Because as I've talked about before, pleasure and pain are both, they're both connected, right? They originate from the same place in the brain. And when we can default more to pleasurable sensations, then we are going to be able to rewire our brain to default more to pleasurable sensations because pleasure and pain, they cancel out one another. And so all this to say,

Amanda Testa (13:21):

It's a lifelong journey and I am so grateful to have you all as a part. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast, for sharing with your friends when it feels resonant. Thank you for giving me amazing reviews and if you're interested in getting a PDF of this ritual, I'll post it in the Facebook group, Find Your Feminine Fire group on Facebook. So I'll post that as an announcement and you can download the PDF version of this ritual. And in the meantime, I'll just invite you to take a moment, even just right now, take three deep breaths.

Speaker 2 (14:03):

Yeah. Yeah.

Amanda Testa (14:12):

And just honor where you are in this minute. Honor that you matter and that you are valued and appreciated. And thank you again for tuning in.

Amanda Testa (14:30):

I hope you've enjoyed this mini episode today, and again, let's stay connected. Please join me in the Facebook group, Fnd Your Feminine Fire group on Facebook. And I share a lots of great tools and rituals and practices there. And if this is something that is calling to you, that you'd like to dive more into this around with pleasure, how is this even possible for me to change my life with pleasure? I assure you that it is, and I'm happy to hop on a 20 minute consultation with you and support you there. So you can feel free to reach out to me and my team info@amandatesta.Com. I'm wishing you a beautiful day evening, wherever you are in the world. And we will see you next week.