Yep.  They are connected.  Want to tap into more abundance now?  If you’re looking to bring in more of what lights you up, then kick back and get ready to grow!  This weeks podcast is going to share some simple yet powerful steps to bring in more pleasure, more money, and more abundance into your life, STAT.

Listen in as my guest Wendy Petties shares how you can have anything you dream of if you connect to pleasure and plan for abundance.

Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts,Stitcher or Spotify.

(complete audio transcript below)

Wendy Petties is a Dream Liberator. A Freedom Fighter for YOUR desires. She helps women reconnect with needs that they THINK are just wants.

In her signature program, Sexy Money she demonstrates that you can have anything you dream of if you connect to pleasure and plan for abundance.

Creator of the upcoming podcast, "Opinions, Orgasms & Opulence: Sex and Money Talk for Ordinary People", she uses her experiences as an MBA, Sexpert, and Psychologist to share her wisdom with all who will listen.

Connect with Wendy below!  Get her free gift, the Achieve Your Dream Jumpstart HERE.

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Join in the discussion on this episode and more in my free Facebook Group, Find Your Feminine Fire HERE.

Listen here or tune in via Apple Podcasts,Stitcher or Spotify.

Amanda Testa (00:01):

Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire Podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a Sex, Love and Relationship coach, and in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex love and relationships and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome. Hello everyone. And welcome today. I am so thrilled to be diving into some juicy topics. We're going to be talking sex and money today. And I am thrilled for my guest, Wendy Petties. She has a signature program called Sexy Money, and she demonstrates you can have anything you dream of if you connect to pleasure and plan for abundance, I love this so much. She's also a dream liberator, a freedom fighter for your desires, and she helps women reconnect with needs that they think are just wants. So welcome so much Wendy, thank you for being here.

Wendy Petties (00:53):

Thank you so much for having me, I loved the way you just kind of put your whole juicy body into reading that like I can feel you and so you definitely are connected to your body. So thanks for having me.

Amanda Testa (01:05):

Yes. You know, well, this, you know, I love talking about sexuality on this podcast and all the things that help light women up. And I know, you know, that's one of the huge things it's so connected sex and money two taboo subjects. People never like to talk about and, you know, and how you're such a pleasure pioneer as well. So I'd love if you would share just a little bit more about you and your, you know, what gets you on this path, if you wouldn't mind sharing.

Wendy Petties (01:31):

So my mom says that it started as a little girl where I would re I was really connected with my body and listening to what I wanted to do and what I didn't want to do. So as a child, I would either have my arms out open, like, okay, you're okay. Or I would have my arms crossed like, no. And I was very clear on these things. As a child, I also would get very hot, physically hot and take my clothes off in the, in the stroller. And so people would run after her afterwards and see, you know, hand back a sock or my sweater or something. And I would say I hot, you know, so I've always kind of been this, you know, fully embodied person. But I think this venture started back in the eighties when I was hired for a program that had to do with HIV and AIDS.

Wendy Petties (02:23):

And it was a program for women of color to help them help save them because they were dying at disproportionate rates from HIV and AIDS from men. And so I was hired, I call myself the condom negotiator, but I was hired to go out and talk to them about getting their men to use condoms, you know, building that skill of being comfortable and talking. And I found out that a lot of these women were not even had not, we're not equating sex with pleasure. And I was fascinated by that fascinated. And so I began this quest to learn more about psychology and sexuality and women all while getting my MBA. So I have a very specialized MBA. I have these human lie detector skills because I learned about body language and all kinds of things there. I have a psychology background and I have a business degree and MBA, and I have this sex educator background. So I'm a sexpert and MBA. And like the human lie detector all rolled up in one, which brings us to here, where I put all of that together to help women to connect with their bodies. I know for sure, physiologically that orgasms are very important to women, but it's not just about sex. It's about pleasure in general, it's about making deliberate choices so that you can find pleasure and that leads you to be comfortable and confident and productive and creative so that you can have everything that you want.

Amanda Testa (03:58):

Yes. I love this. Thank you.

Wendy Petties (04:00):

You've given me the amen. I love it.

Amanda Testa (04:04):

Yeah. And so, you know, I do, I know you work with so many women who you say, like check all the boxes and like, feel like they've done all the things, but still are just missing something big. And I, you know, I can relate to that. And I know many of my clients too, so I'd love, you know, what do you see most often that you feel like is a problem that if you wish women could just like, they think they don't think they need it, but you know, if they could just open up to it, it could make a huge world of difference. I'd love to hear you share about that.

Wendy Petties (04:31):

I think it just goes back to, you know, pleasure in general. Like they think that it's something that they have to really plan and it has to be deliberate. Like I'm going to get a massage, but you can have that experience every day. Cause I'm assuming that everybody takes a shower. For example, everybody takes a shower now in the pandemic every day, we don't take a shower like, or it's just me, right. It's just me. But we get clean somehow. And the difference between rushing through a shower, you know, like to just get the shower done and spending even five minutes in the shower, actually touching your skin with the soap, smelling the soap, using something that feels good to your skin, wrapping the towel around you, looking at yourself in the mirror. Like it takes the same amount of time and it can change your whole outlook and change your whole perspective. But they think they don't need it or they think they don't have time for it. So that I think it's deliberate choices for pleasure.

Amanda Testa (05:37):

Yes. That intention is so huge. I love the shower practice because it it's so simple, but yet, you know, you're taking things you're already doing and put that intention behind it. Yes, yes. Yeah. Yeah. And so I'm curious too, from the money aspect, like where do you feel like this comes into the picture and why do you think they're so tied together? I think that

Wendy Petties (05:58):

We, as women are conditioned to just kind of accept whatever we, we get, you know, and that's, that's in a good way. You know what I mean? Like that's, that's the best part that we have. You know, there are people who are taught to not accept anything or not even want anything, but, but in overall I think women are taught, you know, like be, be happy with what you have, you know, and they're not taught about abundance and that you can have everything that you want and everything that you desire. So it's all tied together because the better you feel about yourself and your body and are connected and feel like I'm worth, you know, the dollar 50 soap, you know, not just the 99 cents soap, I am making a choice to get this soap. It smells really good. I'm making a choice to, you know, not just wear my flip flops around the house, cause they're really not comfortable and I could fall, but, but that's what I have right now, you know, to, to get something that feels good when you slip your feet in the more we are training ourselves to up that kind of consciousness, the more we affect abundance, the more we attract abundance, the more we go for things that we normally wouldn't.

Wendy Petties (07:15):

So it's all tied together. I have seen it happen over and over and over again.

Amanda Testa (07:20):

Yeah. That, that cracks me up about the flip flops, because I was just saying last night, how I am so grateful to have worked from home for so long, because I just remember back in the corporate days of wearing shoes that would kill my feet and how my feet were so jacked up my toes, everything. And I'm like, my feet are like different feet.

Wendy Petties (07:38):

What a great thought. I mean, that, that, that is such a key. I mean, how many listeners are, you know, a little grateful, you know, for being at home and being like, I'm sitting at my desk right now and I don't have any shoes on, cause I'm much more comfortable either being barefoot or my feet in the sand or the water. That's where I want to be. But when I do put on shoes, if they're uncomfortable, I take them off and I don't just take them off so I can wear them next time. Oh, I won't wear that today. Like they go in the bag to be donated so that somebody else who has different feet than I do can have them.

Amanda Testa (08:17):

I think that is such a huge, like little simple way to tap into pleasure, right there, like, think about what you're wearing and things that are uncomfortable or that are like binding or that are not comfortable. It's like, why am I wearing this? Is there something that would make me feel better or that I would enjoy like the, the way the touch of the material feels on my skin or all those things.

Wendy Petties (08:37):

And there's all kinds of examples. I mean, I do an exercise in my program. You talked about Sexy Money to do an exercise about like, where are you playing small and where are you playing poor? And it is eye opening, eye opening because you know, you there's prompts for it. So there's things like your clothing, there's things like the food you eat, you know? And, and we're not necessarily talking about money, but we are talking about money too, you know, like yes, organic food costs more than burger King. Absolutely. But if you go to Burger King, you don't have to order off the happy meal, which I think I'm mixing, mixing food metaphors, but do you know what I mean? Like you can say, you know, you know, what can I have water instead? You know, those simple things that people don't think about, you can say, you know, I would rather, you know, I just want it this way.

Wendy Petties (09:37):

You know, you can practice upping your game, you know, with the things that you eat with the people that are around you. Is there somebody who, who, who doesn't encourage you so much or who says things to keep you small? You know, when you're really excited about something, do they say, Oh, well, you know, I mean, I can do that too. Or do they say, you know, Oh, well, that's great. Do they even listen to you? You have to think about those things too. You know? And, and it's, it's just an awareness exercise so that you can tune this muscle, you know, and you can get closer to having, you know, the juicy things that you really want.

Amanda Testa (10:17):

I love that perspective. I'm curious if it's okay to share, if there's any other ways, what are some other ways that you see women playing poor, that they might not even be aware of?

Wendy Petties (10:26):

Ah, well, you brought up the clothing that I find a lot, you know, people wearing things that don't feel good or that they think they should be wearing, you know, the high heels, you know, how many times have we come in the house and immediately taken off our bra?

Amanda Testa (10:42):

Another reason I love, being home

Wendy Petties (10:46):

We don't even have to wear a bra if we don't want to, you know, but, but we, we have done that and bras are not inherently uncomfortable, but we have not taken the time to get fitted, which incidentally is free just for the record. It's free. Okay. You can go to a high end, fancy smancy place and have a bra fitting and you don't have to buy anything. You can maybe splurge on one bra and that, and feel how it's supposed to fit and look at how you, how it's supposed to look. You know, it's a big difference. It's an experience. And then you can go online and buy that bra for half price. Let me tell ya, okay. And I'm not saying like abundance, I think abundance is a mindset. I don't pay full price for things, but I have the money to buy it if I want it. You know, that's what I'm talking about. I think the other thing that we need to think about, you know, in terms of this, you know, areas where people often miss the mark is in their space, their space. So people listening may have, you know, we've all been in here since March, you know, so that's two, four, six months. And there are probably things in your house that are getting on your damn nerves.

Amanda Testa (12:11):

Okay.

Wendy Petties (12:12):

That the way the chair, the chair is, or what's behind you for the hundreds of zoom meetings or, you know, or we have to deal with people who are in the house all the time with us. And so being frustrated by the noise or the interruptions, when a simple tweak of when you see the baseball cap on the door, please know that I'm doing X, Y, Z, or a check in, in the morning that says, okay, what do you have to do? This is what I have to do. And this is what I need from you. Or could you please do X, Y, Z, you know, these things are empowering and calming so that you're not fretting about this and you're not stressing about it. So that's another area where I think that people don't, don't really, aren't really making conscious choices and that you could be playing poor or playing small.

Amanda Testa (13:19):

Right? Yeah. It's interesting. I think just the other day I was walking around the house, like making a list of all the things I wanted to get repaired. Just little things that you don't pay attention to. It's like this one drawer that always sticks, or the door knob that falls off like random things. Like if I could get this fixed, I would feel so much better. And the other thing too, I wanted to loop back to you for a second. You mentioned about like the lingerie and getting fitted and what I, you know, one of the things too, I think I've found is oftentimes I know for myself as women putting ourselves last on the list of everyone who else needs things like as an I'm a mom too. So it's like, who gets the new clothes, not me and all this and that, but realizing sometimes when you invest in something that maybe is more than you would normally spend, like a nice bra, it lasts forever versus like a target bra. That's going to fall apart after a few wearings.

Wendy Petties (14:07):

And be uncomfortable? And you're going to want to pull off through your sleeve. Cause we've all done that, right. We've all unhooked it in the back and pulled it out right through our sleeve, not even taking your shirt off. Cause it's so uncomfortable.

Amanda Testa (14:18):

And I mean there's and every now and then yes, target bras are fine, but I just like once and the other thing too, to speak to laundry, cause I thought this was funny to loop back to is cause you know, I think a lot of people have that in their mind of like what sexy is and that it means they have to wear like the pushup bra and the like, you know, whatever it might be. And granted I do love lingerie, so don't get me wrong, but it's creating your own definition of what you feel beautiful and what you feel,sexy in.

Wendy Petties (14:41):

Those links and feeling it from the inside out. I also do an exercise that I'm going to do with you right now. Okay. And so listeners can it too. So if I said to you, Amanda, I want you to channel your sexy feel as juicy as you can. Now, now express that with your face. Yes. I looking at you right now, but I can feel you and I know you're squirming in your seat and I can also feel it in my body because you're sending it back to me. Okay. You can turn that on at any time and it calms your body. It calms your central nervous system. And it's not about lingerie. It's not about high heels and a whip. You know, to me, it's about just channeling. What makes you feel sexy? It could be the lighting on your skin. It could be, you know, touching your arm like your, your whole body has shifted.

Wendy Petties (15:51):

Just thinking about that. And I would, I would bet that people who actually are doing it with us, we're sending this energy all over the place. We're feeling juicy and yummy. And it is a scientific fact that if we can turn that on, it doesn't even have to go to full orgasm, but just turning yourself on. When we get off of this call, you will be ready to do whatever you have to do. You will be more creative, more productive, you will be jazzed up clear focused. It's just, it's the nature of our bodies that we don't use to the full extent.

Amanda Testa (16:26):

Oh my gosh. I feel like we just, most people just scratch the surface of what we're capable of in our body. And like you're talking that energy, that sexy energy, that's our life force energy. It's so delicious. And I feel, that's why I love sharing this podcast. And I think it's so key for women to just be aware that we're, this is nothing we're ever taught. I mean, some women are, but very few,

Wendy Petties (16:48):

Very few. And I always say that there's things that we were taught that we should unlearn right now, there are things that we were never taught that we need to learn. And there's always questions. We always should question whatever we think we think or think that we know we should always question and by question it doesn't, it doesn't have to be this energy of, you know, well, I don't know if I believe that or whatever, it just kind of ask yourself, how do I really feel about that? How do, what do I really think about that? That's the questioning. That's just like checking in with yourself. That's all.

Amanda Testa (17:21):

I love that. I have another question for you just to loop back to around that, you know, that I bet that MBA and embodiment exercise, you just took us through of connecting to that sexy inside of you. And I'm curious if you have maybe another favorite tip to help women connect to that inside of them.

Wendy Petties (17:39):

Hi. The other thing that I have done is when we were doing live events, you know, you remember that, you know, when we were in a room that we could actually put our arms around people, I call it the tail, the tail. So when you are outside and we could do this too now, because we do get to go outside now, wherever you are in the world, we can go outside. And it's a really fun kind of thing. It's like, you know, going back to lingerie and underwear, like when you have sexy panties on you walk differently. Cause you know, whoo. You know, okay, so this is about your tail. So if you think about your hips and your butt and you know that central area there, think about what kind of tail would you have if you had a tail and it could be any, it could be a different tail all the time.

Wendy Petties (18:29):

But if you have a bunny tail that walk that you walk is a little different, if you have a dragon tail, that walk is a little different and, and just, if you're ever feeling down, you can put that tail on and just kind of put a little pep in your step, you know, think about what kind of tail you have attached to your little cute little butt or your big butt or your hippy butt or your whatever kind of, butt, and, and use that. That's just another juicy connection area. Especially if you're going to ask for something or you're going to go after something or, you know, like something surrounding money or abundance, you know, or you're going to buy something like, it'll just juice you up really quickly and have you really connected to that area of your body so that you can feel, you know, unstoppable.

Wendy Petties (19:19):

That's an awesome visual. The first thing that popped into my mind, you said that was like a leopard tail. Yeah. Yeah. I don't wear that today. Oh, I love it. Yeah. Yeah. It's got your leopard tail on. Yes. Oh, I love it. I love it. This is part it's like having fun with it. You know, we need to have more fun. Yeah. Just less. I know I do. Yes. And yes, we do need to have more fun and everything is not fun all the time. So we need to be connected with our bodies enough so that we can weather the storm when it's not so good. You know, this is about filling yourself up so that when it hits the fan or you think it has, you can still stand, stand tall and stale the crowd and be connected.

Amanda Testa (20:11):

All of that, you know, that's, that's what this is about fully embracing the spectrum of all the emotions and everything, because you know, it is true. The more we allow ourselves to fully embody a rage in our grief or our sadness, or, you know, really when we think about the state of the world, it's crushing. And so, but allowing that full feeling and then knowing the more you feel, all those feelings then too, you can feel every feeling, even like the quote unquote positive ones, like joy and Pleasure.

Wendy Petties (20:43):

Agree with you. Absolutely. I do not feelings as wrong or right. I, they just are. And so you have to be able to feel everything. And part of this is getting connected to your body so that you can identify what you're feeling for real, for real. Because the other thing that I noticed with a lot of my clients is when they start with me, I say, Oh, how you doing today? And they go fine. I'm okay. And they're not, but there's a couple things.

Wendy Petties (21:13):

One is a lot of people ask and don't really care how you're really feeling. So we've been conditioned to not tell the truth. We've been conditioned to just ask, you know, to just answer regardless, because we think people don't care anyway. And then I'm saying, well, who are you around that doesn't really care? And would ask you a question. I mean, it's not, you know, even the person where you buy your newspaper, you know, like assume that they really care and temperate with the appropriate response for them, but you can own it. I'm feeling delicious today or not so great today. You know, got some things on my mind, how are you very different energy from I'm fine. Which is a lie. Your body knows. Yeah.

Amanda Testa (22:00):

Yeah. And I think that's so key is that I love how you just said, even the guy you buy the paper from, whoever, you know, take it, like it's a true inquiry and how different that feels just even to let that settle in, like, that person really is asking you this because they care, maybe they don't, but you can take it on like yeah, they do care. Yeah. And then responding that way, that just opens up so much more connection.

Wendy Petties (22:24):

Yeah.

Amanda Testa (22:25):

Of that. And you know, I want to ask another question too, because I know we talked a little bit about this before we got on the air, but just, you know, right now when everything feels so heavy and there's so much just, that's not great in the world. And how do you think women can tap into pleasure when it feels sometimes so far out of reach?

Wendy Petties (22:42):

Ooh. Wow. Great question. I say one step at a time, one step at a time. So most of us have 12 zoom meetings a day. We have kids around and partners around and animals around and we may love all the noise and attention and we may not. And, and from day to day, we may love it. And you know, I mean we're exhausted or we're, you know, sleeping all the time. I mean, this is, this is unprecedented, but there are some things that we can do so we can go outside. We can go outside. We can even for two minutes, stick our head outside and listen, you can hear the birds. Now, at least I live in New York city. It has never been so quiet. We are seeing seagulls in my neighborhood seagull. Okay. Now I know where the water is, but I wouldn't think of my town as a water town, but there are seagulls walking around.

Wendy Petties (23:49):

And so I am stopping, looking remembering times that I've been to the beach. You know, I am listening for things. So using your five senses. That's another exercise is to see what you can see, seek out pleasure by using your eyes, by using your nose, by using your ears, you know, touch, taste, all of these things that we have at our disposal that are part of this wonderful body that we have been gifted with, find the pleasure in everything. And it, and that's a simple thing, you know, going outside or even looking outside, if you don't feel comfortable going outside, even looking outside, if you just open your window or your back door, or, you know, your eyes, even in your house and look for pleasure, it will tell you something either you will find it or you will not. And if you find it, appreciate it.

Wendy Petties (24:49):

And if you don't, then that will tell you that you need to find something and get something in there to be pleasurable. You know, that's what I mean and be gentle with yourself because it takes the, it takes effort that you may not have every day. Yeah. The gentle part is huge. Oh, absolutely. There are some days when I am on fire and I do this as a practice and I do this for a living and I am very connected to my body and to pleasure. And there's, I've had enough at 10 o'clock in the morning. Yeah, it is. And I have to be gentle with myself and accept that and not beat myself up and do listen to my body because some days it's okay. I just need to go and get in my bed. I have things to do. So I will say, all right, we're an hour or an hour for 15 minutes because I have a wonderful interview with Amanda today.

Wendy Petties (25:51):

You know what I mean today? I actually feel good. But, but I'm just saying, if I didn't, I'm going to honor what I said, I would do. I'm going to honor this wonderful, beautiful exchange that we're having here. I'm going to honor that. And I'm going to honor myself as well. And I think way too many women, like you would alluded to put themselves last, you know, like you said about the clothing, you know, think of you, you have a little girl. Yes. So think of how much you are teaching her. If you do something wonderful for yourself, some selfless, selfless, and selfish act of pleasure that you can demonstrate to her, how much better is Mommy going to be.

Amanda Testa (26:40):

I think that's so true. And it just makes me laugh because yesterday she has little dolls, they're called LOL dolls and she loves to play with them. And there's a little bathtub and she made a mini goddess bath for her LOLs and put Rose pedals in it from the backyard. And I was like, yes.

Wendy Petties (26:58):

So you are doing it by osmosis and you are doing it deliberately. And that's wonderful because this child knows about pleasure. And I don't know if you were taught this or you learned around the way along the way, but somehow you have taught this child. So think about how delicious she's going to be as she grows.

Amanda Testa (27:23):

I mean, that's a huge intention I have cause I was not raised that way. And I feel like that's why I've been on my own journey for the past 10 years of reclamation, you know? And I think I love that we, that you are sharing all these gems. And I'm curious too, if there's maybe one more tip that you could share around abundance or you know, this connection of like you've tapped into the pleasure, you're opening more to feeling good and appreciation. And then what, what about the abundance piece? Let's talk a little to the money part.

Wendy Petties (27:53):

Two things came to mind. So I'll probably share both if that's okay. The first thing is a real, tangible thing. I learned it. It's not my idea, but I learned it from Oprah, who is my friend in my head. I love her. And years ago she had someone on, I don't even remember who it was. Cause I attributed it to Oprah. Maybe it was a Yon, Levant Santu was talking about it. But talking about being respectful to money, there are a lot of people that would see a penny or a nickel or a dime on the ground and leave it there because it's, you know, it's not worth it to bend down. I don't believe that when it gets to a quarter, I think most people would pick it up. But being respectful of all money starts with acknowledging that it is money and that every little bit counts.

Wendy Petties (28:42):

So what we were taught and I've done this often is when you go to the store, I mean, we don't go to a lot of stores now, but when you used to go to the store and you'd get your change back, you know, they'd hand it to you in your hand, they'd say, thank you. They put the receipt in your hand or in the bag. And what would you do? You would crumple it up and stick it in your bag or your wallet or your purse or whatever. You just kind of do this and then drop it in there. Right? And then you wouldn't think about it until the next time when you had to buy something and you dig out all these ones and fives and tens and quarters and whatever, and you'd be pouring things out and whatever. And she just taught us the simple practice of honoring your money of taking the extra second to organize your money by denomination and fold it nice and neatly and say a thank you when you put it in your wallet, billfold, pocket, pocketbook, whatever purse, you know, whatever you call it. And it makes all the difference. It makes all the difference because the money is like, it's nice here. Huh? It's really cool here. It's nice here. I want to be in here and I'm going to tell all my friends We're gonna fill this thing.

Wendy Petties (29:57):

Yes, yes, yes. So that's a simple thing that you can do. And I talked about that in Sexy Money too. Absolutely great practice. The other practice is, cause I know that some people, cause I've heard it, some people are like, well, yeah, Wendy you have money. And I do have money, but I've done these things and that's why I have money. But if you don't have money, you may be thinking, well, you know, I have a list, energy around money and I don't have a lot of money and it's just a pain point. Whatever, what you need to do is be grateful for what you have. And the practice that we use there is not my practice either. I learned it from someone, I learned it from think, I learned it from Mary Hall who is a, an expert in, in kind of mindset stuff.

Wendy Petties (30:44):

And what she taught us to do was check your bank account every day, every day. And no matter what is in there, be grateful and say, thank you. And not more thankful because there's a hundred thousand dollars in there, then the hundred dollars, but grateful, grateful. We did this practice. I was in a group and we did this practice for 30 days and money kept showing up. It kept showing up. People would either say, Hey Wendy, you know, like, are you available? You know, I really like to talk to you about this. You know, like I have this budget and I'm trying to, you know, do it at the end of the fiscal year. And so, you know, I, I I've been thinking about you. And so could you do this for this amount of money or someone would, or, or rebate would come or a refund or somebody owed you money or you forgot to bill somebody for something being conscious about your money and grateful, attracts more. Yeah. And it is, you know, like I like to say, I'm not a real woo woo girl, but I believe in what I believe in. And I'm living proof that it works. Absolutely. Yes. So those are some of my tips for abundance.

Amanda Testa (32:04):

I love both of those. And I think that, you know, doing the daily, that's like you say, when something is appreciated and valued, of course it's going to want to stick around. Right. It's like, I don't know if I want to be scrunched up in the bottom of a bag, with seats and all kinds of gum wrappers and whatever dirt in the bottom of the purse,

Wendy Petties (32:22):

And Starbust Starburst. Right. You know, those candies. Yeah. Well,

Amanda Testa (32:28):

I, now, if, I mean, I just appreciate you so much sharing all of this and I'm curious if anyone wants to connect with you and learn more, what's the best way for them to find you?

Wendy Petties (32:38):

So there is couple of ways on Facebook. I have a group for women called Unstoppable Women with Big Dreams. And so feel free to join that. It's a, it's a wonderful group. And we talk about all these things and that's where you can find out what I'm doing next and all that stuff. I'm known as happy life coach, happy.life.coach on both Instagram and Facebook. And I also have a free gift, which we'll post the link for. I believe that you can have everything you want. And so I created a, a free gift called the Achieve your dream jumpstart. It's called the jumpstart because I believe in action. I don't think we have time to waste. This is the only life we have. And I don't, I believe you don't have time to wait. So there's three parts. There's a, an ebook, which is 22 pages.

Wendy Petties (33:25):

And it is all about mindset and really thinking about what you want. And there's some exercises in there. And then I pulled out the exercises and made a workbook about nine, 10 pages. And so if you just are a quick start and are like, let me just get to the meat and get some stuff done. That's what you can do. But there's also a video from me with a surprise, but I'll tell you already, I offer people a half hour have it all call where you can talk to me. I'll give you a couple of tips. One about abundance, one about pleasure. So, you know, we kind of talk a couple minutes about what's going on in your life, in those areas. I'll give you some quick tips and then, and then I'll tell you about how you can continue to work with me, if that should be a good fit. So I encourage you to take me up on it. It's a lot of fun and that's how you can find me, you know, that's where I hang out.

Amanda Testa (34:15):

And I'll make sure to put all that in the show notes as well. And I'm curious as we close, if maybe there's any last words of wisdom you'd like to share, or maybe a question that you wish that I would have asked that I didn't ask.

Wendy Petties (34:25):

No, your questions were amazing. I really, really have enjoyed this. I think my last bit of wisdom is just to, you know, to know that whatever stage you're at, wherever you are on this journey of, you know, pleasure and this journey of, of abundance, you know, sex and money, these are things that people don't normally talk about. I'm totally comfortable talking about them and you don't have to be me. You know, you're perfectly okay the way you are. But if there is something in your life that you think you might want to explore, this is, this is the, these are some of the ways that you can. And once you master these skills, you know, in the way that feels comfortable for you, because all the tips that I gave, some of them may feel comfortable. Some may feel hokey, you know, I have tons and tons and tons of things, but find what works for you and just get connected more connected to yourself, more connected to your body so that you can have everything that you desire because you deserve it. You know? And that's, that's the thing to remember. Cause we, weren't always taught that growing up that you can have and be, and do everything that you want. And you really can in the way, in the way that you want to.

Amanda Testa (35:41):

Oh, thank you so much, Wendy. And it's been a pleasure to talk with you today and thank you to everyone for listening. And we will look forward to seeing you next week. Thank you so much for listening to the find your feminine fire podcast. This is your host, Amanda Testa. And if you have felt a calling while listening to this podcast to take this work to a deeper level, this is your golden invitation. I invite you to reach out. You can contact www.amandatesta.com/activate And we can have a heart to heart to discuss more about how this work can transform your life. You can also join us on Facebook in my group Find Your Feminine Fire Group. And if you've enjoyed this podcast, please share with your friends, go to iTunes and give me a five star rating and a raving review. So I can connect with other amazing listeners like yourself. Thank you so much for being a part of the community.

I don’t know about you, but I miss people. I miss concerts with lots of sweaty bodies pressed together.  I miss gatherings and retreats and witchy woman togetherness.

I know I’m hearing from so many about how isolated it feels right now.

How many are longing for IRL touch.

But what can you do if you don’t have the option to gather in person, or don’t feel comfortable doing so?

Listen into this episode as I share some ways you can feel connected in a virtual world.

Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts,Stitcher or Spotify.

(complete audio transcript below)

Join in the discussion on this episode and more in my free Facebook Group, Find Your Feminine Fire HERE.

Listen here or tune in via Apple Podcasts,Stitcher or Spotify.

And if youre longing for more connection.. I'd love to invite you to join us for this incredible Virtual Retreat HERE.

In this world where “beauty" is an instrument of capitalism, a means of control, one of the most powerful “trances” we are trapped in, and a standard set by “masculine” values and attitudes, in this episode I'm diving into what it means to reclaim your beauty, and find appreciation in the Feminine Genius at your fingertips.

Listen in to this episode as I go deep with LiYana Silver, author of Feminine Genius,The Provocative Path to Waking Up and Turning On the Wisdom of Being a Woman.

Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts,Stitcher or Spotify.

(complete audio transcript below)

This week I have the pleasure of welcoming LiYana Silver back to the show.  Liyana helps women transform self-criticism through a unique process (that finds where the self-criticism got installed in the first place), LiYana helps women stop self-doubt and second-guessing so that they feel comfortable in their skin, know their worth, are clear about their contribution to the world, feel at home in their lives, and naturally trust themselves (even with life and work’s hardest choices).

Get the audiobook of Feminine Genius HERE. (and get a free month of Masterclasses to go deeper with Feminine Genius.

Join in the discussion on this episode and more in my free Facebook Group, Find Your Feminine Fire HERE.

Listen here or tune in via Apple Podcasts,Stitcher or Spotify.

Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a Sex Love and Relationship coach, and in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex love and relationships and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome. Hello everyone. And welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. I'm your host, Amanda Testa. And today I'm thrilled to welcome back to the show. Liyana Silver. She is the amazing author of Feminine Genius, as well as just a leader in helping women to own the magnificence of who they are, and really empower themselves to use all that. We have the good, the bad, the dark, the light, and to really emerge the best we can in the world. And I think right now, too, I know there's just a lot, a lot happening, so I'm very looking forward to where we are. We're going to dive in today. Welcome so much. Thank you so much for being here.

I was so excited to be here and be back with you. And I'd love to know too, you know, just in general, how, how things are with you, just in the depth of the world, all the things that's happening, how are you doing? 

Liyana:

Well? I will say that things got, I'm amazed when people post that they're bored. Like you don't have a, I, first of all, I don't think you have a child. The second of all, maybe you have a trust fund. I don't know. I will say that I have doubled down or just yeah, on meditative practices and that it just occurred to me how much of other people's trauma, my own resurfacing, just intensity, chaos, you know, what, what, we're, what we're dealing with on a magnified level, right.

LiYana Silver (01:51):

I'm not going to be able to actually deal with that and function unless I have even more skills. So I've been skilled scaling up, scaling up, doing okay, I'm doing okay, I've got a better kiddo and sower, you know, looking at what does that mean with school? I've always worked from home, so that's my commute has always been when it's been, I, you know, I have financial somewhat insecurity, but not to the degree that I feel like many have. And we're at the beginning, we're at the beginning of this economic ripple. So I'm acutely aware of our interconnectivity and, and those who don't have it, the, the luck that I might. Yeah. So I'm doing okay.

Amanda Testa (02:41):

Thank you for sharing that. I just think that, yeah, I can relate in many ways and I think, you know, also navigating Parenthood and all of this and how, just the effects that it's going to have of, you know, people not being able to work like they normally do. And also the weight that falls a lot Of the time on the women to take care of the parenting and manage everything else as well.

LiYana Silver (03:11):

Well, no, I just wanted to invoke, you know, the social isolation or women who are trapped in relationships that are not good places to be. Yeah. Just the specific hardships that do fall on us as women.

Amanda Testa (03:26):

What I also am excited to talk about because I feel like, you know, through all that, it's so important to just allow ourselves to go through what we need to go through, but also keeping in mind as well of, you know, the possibility that there is. And, you know, it's funny because oftentimes we can feel like, well, I don't know what the right thing to do right now is, and I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions and I want to do all these things and try to be better human and activist and all the things that we might be wanting to do. And also having the restraints of like, but I can't really go anywhere or do anything like I want. So I think you mentioned, you know, reconnecting to a practice that serves you like your meditation practice. And I think as women it's so key because it can connect us back to these like ancient parts of us. I'd love if you may would share a little bit about that, if you wouldn't mind. Yeah.

LiYana Silver (04:19):

Yes. I feel that meditation, we can talk about some of the different formats that can work. I feel, I feel socialist, democratic. I feel like very open palmed about what kind of meditation, you know, there's lots that can work. I think that what meditation does is it reminds us that we have a choice about what we focus on. So often we're focusing on something other than our thoughts. And then that alerts our system. We don't always have to get caught in the loops of anxiety or worry or productivity. We have a say in where our focus is and that's that's, I think one of the only things we can control. And the other thing it tells us is, Oh, we have a say over the quality of my focus, am I focusing in a judgemental way, in a harsh way? Am I focusing in a way that invites gratitude or presence?

LiYana Silver (05:16):

And then the last thing I think is that this is slightly slightly ineffable, but I'll try is that inevitably in the process of some kind of meditation, whether it's stillness or whether it's movement based is that we connect with reconnect with, or we abide in something that is, I just feel like it, you know, it is, we could call it Feminine Genius. We could call it the divine. There is it just, it's also very, every day, it is this deep well of presence and grounded-ness and even joy. And it absolutely fortifies us from, from the inside out. And that I think is one of the, you know, that's also one of the benefits is that, Oh, part of us can be resting and we've got a hand or a foot or two feet in this world, this realm of nourishment, excuse me. And so I just feel like how in the world can we do modern life without, without also being connected to that?

Amanda Testa (06:28):

I so agree. And like that nourishment piece you spoke to, I feel like it's something that until I started doing more work to tap into my own and Divine Feminine within, and just my own body and understanding the, the depth of presence and peace I can find there, it makes it incredible because I know like, no matter what what's happening, I, if I really take the time, even if it's just five minutes, the more you do it, the easier it gets to drop in. It's just like to find that place presence and just peace. And when you can find that within yourself, it's incredible because, no matter what's going on around you, you can still connect that in some way.

LiYana Silver (07:08):

And you said something important, I think is just even five minutes. And I really get if someone needs the time they need, but I also am a huge fan of things that can be done in five minutes, in three minutes in 10 minutes, because we're all handling a lot. And there are a lot of time demands, but yeah, I'm, I'm all for potency in small doses,

Amanda Testa (07:34):

The simple, quick things. And you know, it's interesting too, because one of the things I wanted to dive in more and you spoke to it a second ago around the judgmental, when you're reflecting, is it like a judgmental voice you're hearing? What is the, you know, what is behind that? And I think for so many women that I talked to, there's that judgment, that voice that's just like nonstop beating you up or whatever you're doing. It's not good enough. I mean, so I'd love to speak a little bit more to that. If you don't mind.

LiYana Silver (08:03):

If I had to say what the heart is of work that I do, I would say it is this, it is understanding where did that? Self-Criticism self doubt, self-loathing self abuse. Where did those voices get installed? Whose voices are we importing? Are we imitating? And how can we update that in your system so that you are talking to yourself and looking at yourself and inviting other people to regard you and interact with you from a way that is more in line with the truth of who you actually are. So you've may have heard, I've heard this is I'm borrowing from psychology that says our internal voices are the voices we heard either out loud, explicitly, or we just felt and intuited from our family, from our parents, for our caregivers, from our early childhood environment. They're not ours. And then I wonder what's ours, what is your own authentic voice? How would you talk to yourself? How would you look at yourself if it wasn't covered over with layers of someone else's stuff that was passed down from their parents and their parents and their parents and their parents.

Amanda Testa (09:22):

Yeah, exactly. And then, you know, I think too, oftentimes we aren't even aware of some of these things because it is so subconscious and it is passed down from generation to generation. And I think so just to find that authentic voice or that authentic expression, that feels true to you and that where you can just, you know, embrace all of who you are and know that you don't have to do anything you're good enough as you are here. Perfect. As you are, which as you said, you know, I think is a construct that's been put on us, like the, the patriarchal effect of having the culture that we have for thousands of years that has really repressed our expression or make it make it So you have to feel, you have to look a certain way.

LiYana Silver (10:07):

Yes. Now when a woman, a girl, or a woman, anyone, anyone, this a patriarchy affects all genders, humans, and just specific ways girls and women, when you realize even you don't realize in your mind, when you realize some part of your, your being that your value, your right to be in life and take up space is dependent on your physical appearance and your sexual availability to usually to men. It is a lot narrow bandwidth by which your value in your place in life is dependent. Even though we realize I can get married or not married, we'd be like we understand on a cognizant level, but there's a part of us that knows we are our value. Our right to be here is if we look good or the right kind of sexy, there is a tremendous amount of energy of money of time of resources that go towards that.

LiYana Silver (11:18):

Even if you're a feminist, even if you are woke, even if you know better and you understand, and are, you know, fighting to find some liberation within patriarchy, we, we, you know, we're, we're working this out inside the cage, and this is heartbreaking to me, if it must have been my own story, but it's just every woman's story like that is so much time wasted and energy wasted, wasted on this like Naval gazing, right? And then this way that we actually control ourselves, well, patriarchy doesn't even after control, we control ourselves, we police ourselves. Do I look fat in this? Do I look right? Do I need to go change my hair, change my wardrobe, change my blah, blah, blah. We, you know, this, this war war with ourselves becomes a way that we do the patriarchy's bidding. And so many, just so there is, there is something that is uniquely yours to contribute to the world. And I feel like that narrows the bandwidth so much that that can get through if we're just so, so concerned with, with physical appearance and sexual availability. And I don't mean to downplay it because it is in our cells. It is in our DNA. It has to do with survival. It doesn't have, it's not a medical, like, doesn't matter how much you get the concept of feminism. This is something we're working out of our bodies. And when we're working out of our bones,

Amanda Testa (12:50):

I mean, if you think about it, cause it was really only what the seventies that women could have their own credit cards, their own bank accounts in the sixties, even. I mean, and it's just crazy to think, like that's not that long ago. It's no wonder that there's parts of us that are still like, well, to be safe to survive. I have to look this way. And like you said, it's in our systems. We have to kind of unravel it from the inside out. Yeah,

LiYana Silver (13:15):

Yeah, yeah. And it really helps I think, to connect with other women who are talking about it, you know, we'll bit by bit, we're working on it, but it's immense, it's immense.

Amanda Testa (13:26):

And now, you know, just to speak to a little bit more, cause I know before we started recording, talking about the commoditization of beauty and like what that means to you and like what you think like as a big picture, what else you see around that? I know we just spoke to a good amount of that, but what else? Yeah, let's talk more about that.

LiYana Silver (13:43):

I have a wish that we could have a different experience of the word Beauty. So the word beauty, or if there's a beauty industry, there are beauty magazines, right? So we understand beauty is like this thing that women have to do and pay for it. And I would love there to be a redefinition of beauty, ugly things can be beautiful. So there is somehow like we have a deep muscle muscular recognition of beauty when something is so fully itself and there's just an "isness" to something. And I wish that we could reclaim the ability to feel ourselves rather than have a, rather than paying attention to how we are perceived that actually we haven't experienced from the inside out rather than the outside, in that we would say, how does it feel to be in my skin? How does it literally, can I pay attention to my experience? So I feel what I feel and that feels beautiful to me. And that as we were talking before, that could then what I put on my body, if I choose sparkles or, you know, goth eyeliner, or I cut my hair shorter and longer stick flowers in my hair, or I, or I don't, or I go bare chested or whatever the options are that that is a confirmation. It is, it's a way that I can say, this is how I'm feeling today. This is the energy that I am making manifest by my adornment, rather than I'm going to cover up a flaw or I'm going to follow the latest trend or this is what I'm supposed to wear or be, or how to be perceived. And I just, I mean, we all know what it's like to be with someone who just is who they are. It is so beautiful. It's beautiful. So that's what I wish. That's what I wish for us all.

Amanda Testa (15:39):

I love that. And I do know what you mean that feeling. And I think it's interesting because I know I've probably spoken to this before, but I do feel like there's such so much money we spend on trying to look beautiful or be a certain way. And yes, I feel like if it's conscious and you're doing it because you are just enjoying playing with all the different, different ways you want to express yourself, like I am not no judgment here at all. I think that's all beautiful. I think it's just also being aware like, wow, this is how much money a month I'm spending on trying to look a certain way. And wow, what if women invested a quarter of that, you know, every month versus just feeling like we have to spend. And I feel like it's a way of oppression because of that. You know, women are encouraged to spend money on looking beautiful versus investing or being smart and doing other things with the money. And that to me makes me crazy, but I know I love beauty products. I color my hair. Like I am all about it too, but I realize sometimes it's like, wow, getting my hair done is quite expensive. Like what if I invested that every six months for my whole lifetime, that would make a huge difference in my financial stability, right?

LiYana Silver (16:51):

So that's not gloss over that. That's such an important point Friend, Amanda Steinberg,

Amanda Testa (16:53):

Who wrote to the creator of daily worth, wrote a book called worth worth it. And

LiYana Silver (16:59):

Women have some fraction of the net

Amanda Testa (17:03):

Worth or the like the saved money as we go on in life compared to men, we will die poor, significantly poor, and yet live longer. This is, this is serious. This is serious. I really appreciate what you're saying. So yeah, I'm with ya. I mean, all I know is I, you know, I also was raised in the South in a very conservative environment and very much so, like I just remember my mom always being on a diet and always complaining about how she looked. And that was just like the constant and I, you know, suffered from that a lot and had eating disorders years of struggle before I finally was like, you know what, I'm just who I am and I can embrace it. And I know it was a long journey, so it's not something that's easy. I'm just going to say that right now. It's definitely not easy. But I think just looking back now, how interesting, and like me noticing that too, because even I have an eight year old daughter and she like just got her ears pierced and all this and that. And you know, she's all excited about expressing herself and trying to figure out how do I, how do I teach her in a way maybe what I would have liked to have learned about it? And that's a good question. I still make mistakes for them.

LiYana Silver (18:15):

And I feel like we do need to be a little bit gentle with ourselves that we probably aren't even aware of all of the influences that if we walk out of our doors, which is an option for some, not for all at the moment, I realized that just metaphorically we look around the world are the ways that information and media interact with us.

LiYana Silver (18:34):

Even your daughter's eight. My, my son is eight. So, you know, it was, this is the world that we live in. It is more than just your messaging. So we just gotta be a little gentle. And at the same time, I, so I don't want to skip ahead to anything. So I'm working on my second book. And so I've been talking, I've been gathering a ton of stories of people going through really hard times and in a variably, like really, really hard stuff. Like we all go through and invariably, we always get to this point of like, what, let you do that? What let you be hospitalized, you know, in the psych ward and yet figure a way to get out. And invariably, there's this little spark that people just feel like that was never lost. That spark that knew I was okay as I am, or that just knew there was a different way or just felt what I felt or knew what I knew or needed to say what I have to say.

LiYana Silver (19:37):

And I have faith in that that is in there and that, you know, you, you're so conscious of nurturing that. So I believe in that innateness of that spark in each of us, it doesn't go anywhere. It's really hard to sniff it out really, really, really hard. And you know, you're just doing so much to blow on that so that it is hers, so that it is hers.

Amanda Testa (20:04):

Yes. I love that visual. And I think that cause that little spark is so it's always the thing, like you mentioned, you know, I can even think of like the lowest times in my life, but there was this little teeny piece of me that was like, get up.

LiYana Silver (20:18):

Yes, yes. And I think, you know, there's, there's also, I don't know if I'm changing subjects a teeny bit, but so I, you know, be like, Oh wow, there's more, there's a lot more wrinkles than there used to be. Or, Oh, that's a new little curvy part. I, you know, it's been really fascinating to look at them and go like, do I really think that's a problem? And then I'll look at them and I'll be like, wow, there's this cool thing that happens when you have wrinkles, because then the light shines on them in this way that they almost sparkle. Or so then I have this thing right. With like, where would we call it? Like kind of around my Honches or something. Right. And there's this like fold or indentation that would have just been unimaginable, especially in the days I was a dancer and I was like, but I like it.

LiYana Silver (21:04):

I like, it's like this little arrow. That's like, Ooh, don't you want to like, put your hand here? Like, don't you want to put your hand on my waist on this like solid, sexy part of a woman? Well, maybe you can, maybe you can't. I don't know. So I just, you know, to the, to the part, even with the spark that's coming out here is, is a yes. I, I just, I do. I do. I think it's it's in there. I think it takes a lot to sniff it out.

Amanda Testa (21:28):

And so I'm curious too, for women who are listening that are like, yes, I totally can relate, but what do I do? Like how can I start looking at myself through that lens of authenticity and appreciation versus judgment?

LiYana Silver (21:41):

Great. I mean, I have an exercise, but I call the gaze of grace and it's really that, it's just the simple practice of looking through the eyes of appreciation or listening with ears of appreciation or speaking with the voice of appreciation. And so a nice visual can be, if you imagine you have a pair of glasses on or a, got some goggles or some lenses that filter specific that they make you, I see in a certain way, they could be tinted Rose or they could be tinted dark or whatever it is. But these ones that most of us are wearing are tinted to have us focus on the flaws to fix and things to judge. And like you said, like we started out ways to criticize ourselves and that's, it's a groove. It is a way that I think our mind like to try to keep us safe and organize reality. But if we just go, that is one set of glasses or lenses, and if I put them down and I pick up another pair consciously, and these ones, the information that they helped me see, they sort for, what I can appreciate and appreciate is I feel like there's a neutral way to appreciate and a positive way to appreciate.

LiYana Silver (23:00):

And if you can, you can start just with something that's pretty low stake, right? Like probably don't have a ton of judgment on your water bottle. Just like, can I just appreciate that it is, and this color and this shape and the way that the light is on it, I'm not looking at the dent at like the flaw to find, I'm just looking at it with neutral. Let me understand this essence of this thing before me, I'm gonna look at it with sort of neutral appreciation or I have positive appreciation, which is like, wow, there's this cool? How look, you know, that's where I dropped it when I was dancing with my son. And actually this is my son's water bottle. It's his favorite color yellow, but he went on to a different one. So I inherited one. And so then we practice with things in our world that are low stakes.

LiYana Silver (23:54):

Hmm. Then we go find a low stakes part of our body go to the area that you have the most self criticism about, but we just try it. You know, let's just say your forearm is neutral. Just trying to practicing what is here that I can appreciate what is already good. What is already right? Just as it is, How can I look at this the way grace, looks at it looks at this, appreciating this amazing thing. And then we go on, let me go on. When you start to start to feel like you're getting your brown belt and then your black belt, and then you go on and you look at your thighs or you look at your belly or you look at your neck or you look at your lips or whatever the thing it is. And just really with the, as soon as you feel like those other lenses are creeping back on you to just be like, hold up, hold up, sweetheart.

LiYana Silver (24:49):

Let's just try. Let's just see what possibly, what can I appreciate about this part of myself? And I feel like that's a, a good, basic practice. It's a good, basic practice. Couldn't tell you on a hormonal or chemical or scientific level, but we all know what it feels like, whether you're just in the space of criticism versus in a space of appreciation, we know that that feels better in our bodies and minds. So the, I love the word appreciate too, because what we appreciate, appreciate, appreciate means to rise in value. So if we have this practice of looking and listening and speaking with eyes of appreciation, what we're looking at and listening to increases in value, we become more valuable to ourselves. So that is the basic one .

Amanda Testa (25:43):

I love that. And I think it sounds know, I love that visual too. Like literally pretend you're putting on the glasses, right. And starting with something neutral, like your water bottle. I love that because I think so quickly we are just drawn to like my eyes going to be drawn to what I want to feel bad about or whatnot. So it's like just shifting that. And I know, you know, it's definitely a practice, but I can tell over time it definitely works. You know, it definitely works. Cause I even look at myself now and it was funny because I was, I was laying down and I had like my leg kind of bent towards my body. And so like this part of my thigh was like all squished up and I took a picture of it and I was like, you know what I have, because for me it was a huge moment because I remember years ago taking a similar picture in digust and wanting to like cut it off.

LiYana Silver (26:30):

And now it's like, I appreciate this. And this is a huge moment to realize, like, I can look at this and feel like, yeah, they're silent and stretch marks and it's perfect. I mean, it's not bothering me at all. It's just what is, and that is a huge, I think a huge thing. I mean, it seems like it's pretty, maybe in the big picture, it's a teeny thing, but for me personally, it's a big thing to notice that because I don't think about it anymore. Like every day used to be a battle about what I look like and this, that, and the other now it's like, I don't even think about it. Right, right, right.

LiYana Silver (27:02):

And that essence of acceptance is a funny word because somehow it's like deserving, deserving an acceptance. I don't know. I have a little issue with the words. Right. Right. Kind of has in it. Some nonacceptance like, I really don't accept, but I'm going to try. And so, all right. But I still feel with what you just said, this like, this is me and this is good, full stop. And that to just be around that is life giving and it's infectious and I'm so glad for your daughter to be around that. You know, even if it's not all the time and it's not to the degree you want, but you know, still congratulations yet. But I think, you know, in the Feminine Genius part, like that's a huge part of the journey because I think it's like doing, having that understanding of the power of our bodies and the pleasure we're capable of and you know, really learning to love the parts of us. We've been taught to be the most shame about like our sexuality and our sexual organs and just really learning the capacity that we have literally at our fingertips.

Amanda Testa (28:03):

I know we talked about us a little bit last time, but to me, I think that is what, when you realize all the amazing things your body can do, it makes you more, just an audit. Yes. Yes.

LiYana Silver (28:14):

And these are tricky areas because I mean, there is little more, very little in the world. That's more powerful than a like sexual woman. Women's sexuality is maybe the most potent force there is. And so what's the line between where we are so aware of that we're using it for manipulation or a way to prove our value to ourselves and where we actually just recognize it. If it's for whom, for what, and for whom, right. We need to understand that yes, this is very powerful stuff. And what is my, who, who is it ultimately for? And that I think is really important.

Amanda Testa (28:59):

So this is the beauty of, you know, managing all the things from home. My little daughter's upstairs, lots of fans. I want to know noise appearance. I want to see your she's upstairs or something. So I think that's wonderful, but yes. So I lost my train of thought for a second there. Oh gosh. Where were we?

LiYana Silver (29:22):

Oh, women's sexuality. Yes. Yes. Well, I do think that there are so many ways we are blind we're shamed and blinded to what a, what an incredible, what an incredible creature we are. We're sort of, we have little blinders on, which is like, you know, just make sure you look a certain way. And then we don't ever get taught that about our power, our sexuality, our, our reproductive organs, depending on what, you know, however many of those we have at the moment. So sometimes it's just, sometimes it's purposeful for don't, you know, we were purposefully not taught about ourselves and sometimes we're just so ashamed to even go there. And yet, and I think this is one of the reasons, The big reasons I wrote the book is, Is the reflection I get. So I know it's working is I kind of knew somewhere that, that I was magnificent and you've kind of just given me a map back to that. And so I'm really grateful, grateful that it, that it's working.

Amanda Testa (30:31):

And I, I mean, it's so true because I see it as well. It's like such a, an awakening of sorts for women to reconnect to that. And you just see it in the way they look and just this glow in them. And just the confidence, I think, you know, it's the empowerment piece, but there's so many, there's so many layers to it.

LiYana Silver (30:50):

Exactly. You know, and Feminine Genius has a way of the words, you know, they, you get sort of feel what they mean, even not really knowing what they mean. And so I like to say that Feminine Genius is a kind of an energy, right. Or it's a mixture of strengths that we have been taught are weak, but there's a, there's a, there's a, an idea that anything to do with feminine is weak or unreliable or crazy or stupid. And the idea is like, no, actually it's genius that there's this mix of strengths, intuitive, sensual, collaborative feeling strengths that are very not trusted in the world. So we learned to not trust them in ourselves. And it is these very things that have a kind of life force, energy and intelligence about them that really do. They just bring us back to our cells and they really guide our lives in a, in a very true and powerful way

Amanda Testa (31:55):

That it's like the original blueprint or essence of us that is knows what it needs to thrive. Right. It knows what it needs. And you just can, I think a lot of times it's just like peeling away, all the things that's keeping it from blooming up and budding out, right? Yes, yes,

LiYana Silver (32:13):

Yes. I think there's some learning, but I think you're mostly that you're right. That it's mostly an, an unpeeling or a sloughing off of, like we said before, these voices are really not mine. They're not true to me. And I'll just a discarding to reveal what is this original blueprint?

Amanda Testa (32:32):

That's beautiful. So you tell me, so I know that you have your new book that you're working on. When are you hoping that's to come out? Do you have any, I know deadlines and timelines, everything is all up in the air now, especially with, okay. I'm just curious.

LiYana Silver (32:47):

So let me not get ahead of myself. So right now I just worked on getting the audio book ready for Feminine Genius. And it was a little confusing to me because at the same time, along with homeschooling my kid and all the other things I am, I'm just working on the foundational material for book number two. And what it does is it takes One of the sections of Feminine Genius. Yeah. Called navigating your dark and expands that into a book I have. So in the nonfiction world, if you want to get a book published with a publisher, you write what's called a book proposal, which is really long and difficult. It's like writing a quarter of the book, third of the book. So that's the stage I'm in research writing that book proposal.

Amanda Testa (33:30):

Well, Feminine Genius is such an excellent, excellent book. So I highly recommend if you haven't read it, you should definitely check it out. And now you can get on the audio version coming here soon. Yes, yes. And I read it, which was really important to me, I think. And there's something too. I think this is the thing that I do when I have a book that I love. I often read it or have it on audible because I feel like there's a different transmission you can get. And sometimes listening to things on audible by the teacher is so powerful because you pick up that the non spoken transmission. Right.

LiYana Silver (34:05):

And I know everybody loves different mediums. When I discovered audible or audio books, I went from reading maybe two books in a year because I just don't necessarily organize my life to sit and read. I went from reading two books a year to 50. Okay. Listening to, but that, you know, both, I get both, I get the written one and I write in all the margins. Right. Underline, and then I listened to the one. I love it when the author reads it themselves. So I'm really with you,

Amanda Testa (34:37):

Is it, as you can do it while you're, but like you mentioned earlier, we need to find the things that we can sometimes do when we have little time. So that's what I love about audible too. Cause you can wash the dishes or clean the house or take a walk. And before you know it, you read a book.

LiYana Silver (34:51):

So true. Yeah.

Amanda Testa (34:53):

And I think, you know, the other thing too, and I will just share this as a little tidbit that I've been doing for myself because especially, I know one of my, one of the things that takes me down the dark spiral is the, the dooms scrolling. They call it, you know, like being on social media too much, or, you know, I don't really read the news, but I find myself like when I'm in one of those stages where I'm like trying to wanting to numb out or catching myself, just doing the scrolling and the scrolling. And so I've consciously made the choice to notice when I'm doing that and like change to something else. So listen to a book, listen to audible, have things cued up and ready. And I'm going to have like books all over my house too, to pick up. So I realized like, okay, is this really helping me?

Amanda Testa (35:35):

Is this making me feel better? And the answer is no, typically. So when I shift that, I mean, it makes such a difference. I did a little experiment the other week and I was like, all right, every time I want to pick up my phone, I'm going to pick up this book instead or listen to something. And it made such a huge difference. And I read like three books in a week. So I was like, wow, how much time am I spending? You know, just zoning out when I don't even realize it because it's never a long period of time. Like I never feel like I'm on my phone for a long period of time, but it's like a few minutes here and there

LiYana Silver (36:05):

High Potency doom, high potency feel bad about yourself.

Amanda Testa (36:10):

Yes.

LiYana Silver (36:12):

I want to just highlight something though, where that you said is that I find that well, well, I'm just going to assume this about you, that there is something in you that has recalibrated to what is default your default setting that you recalibrate that my default setting is I want to feel good. I want to feel good about myself. I want to feel enlivened and with, you know, a gaze of grace on myself and the world of my family, et cetera. And that I can just tell you, and we've talked a little bit that that was not an accident, and you've been working your ass off to have that be a new normal, and then that new normal stabilizing your system. So I just want to take congratulations for that, but just really speak to, you know, that is such the journey we're on is the, we have a default in our systems that makes it more comfortable and safe and familiar to feel like shit and to self criticize and, you know, go on the swipey spiral of down you're talking about. And so the, the recalibration to actually feeling good and feeling good about ourselves is huge. I'm so glad you mentioned it. And I want it for everybody else too.

Amanda Testa (37:28):

I'll make sure to share where's the best place for them to get the audio book or when will it be available?

LiYana Silver (37:33):

Okay. Yes. You could do a Bitly link. Can we do that so we can get an audible? You would just go to audible it's on audible. Yeah. However On, you know, it has the Autoboaudiblet link via Amazon. And honestly, I don't know if that's other booksellers sellers because I know audible is an Amazon company, so that's one way. And then another way, let me just share is that I made a bonus for anybody who wants to, to get the book by audible. And the bonus is to join me in my community for a month, or we're going to do a month of master classes. And the classes are based on the perspectives and the practices in feminine genius. Since you'll be in there, my online community, no cost, you can stay on if you want afterwards, but it just gives us a month to really dive into the material. You don't have to read the book already. You could be new, it doesn't matter. So that'll be sweet. So I'll give you a link so people can just decide if that's for them. And that is so I've tried to make it easy. Https://Bit.Ly/Fgaudiobook.

Amanda Testa (38:50):

Well, congratulations on that. I know that's a huge project to record the whole book.

LiYana Silver (38:57):

Thank you.

Amanda Testa (39:01):

I'm curious if there's any last words that you'd like to share if there was maybe anything that we didn't cover that you wished you had an opportunity to touch on now.

LiYana Silver (39:09):

Yes. And you said something at the beginning. I mean, I want to say that this is a very intense time and that you said it's very important for you to focus on what is the opportunity, you know, of the time. And I don't know if wide sweeping systemic change is possible in our lifetimes, and yet we are noticing it's like someone pulled back the curtain so that we can see the inner workings of the systems we are inside of. And there is an opportunity. There is an opportunity I, in fact, was just reading today, the story of Emily DOE. So she was the victim in the Brock Turner sexual assault case 2016, I think.

LiYana Silver (39:59):

And so there's an opportunity for women to kinda, you know, get out of the cage, other the myriad of cages that we're in to see the ways that we're in caged and to, you know, bit by bit get ourselves out. I w I feel like there are some ways we can, we can influence structures to change, to support that, but there is an opportunity for that. We see that in the" me too" movement that was, you know, a little bit more in our faces a year or so ago. And, you know, she's got this incredible book out. So I just think that, you know, it's, it's a lot to just manage daily life, but I want to say that the opportunity is very right. So I read that after the 1918 Spanish flu epidemic pandemic, that was that mirrors what we're going through in that COVID-19 pandemic in a lot of ways. But after that, there was the Harlem Renaissance. And so I just wonder what happens when our foundations are so deeply shaken, like what part of our creativity and our being able to think differently in our age, our ability to regard ourselves differently comes online. So that's the opportunity that I just want to invoke here.

Amanda Testa (41:25):

I love that because I think it is easy. Maybe if you see all that's going on in the world, I'm thinking, wow, the mistakes I've made or how I might have been pro blinds, my privilege in this Kind of thing, but like looking at the opportunity there versus focused on feeling bad and like beating yourself up and like, great. Now, you know, let's move forward and what can we do to make things different better? Yeah. Thank you for sharing that. Yes. Well, this has been a delight. Thank you so much again, LiYana, for coming on. And for those of you who are listening, please make sure to download feminine genius. If you haven't read it yet, I highly highly recommend it. And I'll put again where you can connect and find more in t show notes. And thank you. Thanks for having me and what a rich conversation. Thank you. Thank you.

Amanda Testa (42:13):

Thank you so much for listening to the Find your Feminine Fire podcast. This is your host, Amanda Testa. And if you have felt a calling while listening to this podcast to take this work to a deeper level, this is your golden invitation. I invite you to reach out. You can contact me at amandatesta.com/activate, And we can have a heart to heart to discuss more about how this work can transform your life. You can also join us on Facebook and the group Find Your Feminine Fire Group. And if you've enjoyed this podcast, please share with your friends, go to iTunes and give me a five star rating, any raving review so I can connect with other amazing listeners like yourself. Thank you so much for being a part of the community.

Something I often see in working with busy, overwhelmed women, is that often it is very hard for them to connect to what they REALLY want.  (or maybe they do, but are afraid to admit it)

In this episode I'm talking with my dear friend Carrie Koh, Career Strategist, Executive Coach, and Professional Fulfillment Consultant, and TedX speaker about what it really takes to find the fulfillment we REALLY want.

Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts,Stitcher or Spotify.

In this episode we go deep around the quest for fulfillment, and why it's so hard for us to claim what we want.  Carrie also shares her wisdom around resilience and finding the strenght to keep going after what we want, even if it feels overwhelming.

Find our more about Carrie and connect with her on Linked IN HERE.

Listen to her TedX talk on The 4 Choices To Overcoming Adversity HERE.

Discover her Radical Clarity program HERE: 

Join in the discussion on this episode and more in my free Facebook Group, Find Your Feminine Fire HERE.

Listen here or tune in via Apple Podcasts,Stitcher or Spotify.

In this week’s podcast, I’m bringing back my husband Mark Testa, as we talk about what men desire in relationships, and some of the common challenges I often see working with couples in long term partnerships. 

Tune in to get some insight on the male perspective, AND learn some tools to enhance the intimacy in your relationship.

Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts,Stitcher or Spotify.

After all the great feedback about our last episode, I thought it would be fun to bring back my hubby, Mark Testa, as we dive into the male perspective of sexuality and relationships.

Listen into this episode as we discuss some of the challenges and desires that many men face.

Some of the resources we talked about in this episode:

Get the Reconnection Ritual for Couples HERE.

Find the The Mask You Live In Documentary HERE:

Join in the discussion on this episode and more in my free Facebook Group, Find Your Feminine Fire HERE.

Listen here or tune in viaApple Podcasts,Stitcher or Spotify.

In this week’s podcast, I’m talking with my dear friend Tiffany Josephs.


We were both feeling off and not great, and in this candid conversation we found a way to find delight in the chaos of right now.

I am so grateful for Tiffany, and our cherished, magical friendship.  With all that has been going on in the world, I have felt very isolated and lonley at times, and hungered for the days of gathering in big groups, spending time with my friends.

This conversation boosted my spirits and shares some great gems on how to find delight even when the monotony of life feels neverending.  Enjoy as we jam on sex, life, and finding support in the chaos of it all. 

Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts,Stitcher or Spotify.

Tiffany is the most magical friend, she's always bringing magic and I swear leaves sparkles in her path.  I delight in our friendship, and the deep conversations we share.

In this episode, I'm inviting you into this tender conversation where we get real on the challenges we're facing right now, and how to find ways to bring more pleasure and surrender into your days, even when it feels impossible. 

Find out more about the 21 Days of Sensual Self Care HERE.

Find the Safety Breathwork and support videos HERE.

You can find more about Tiffany Josephs and follow her magic HERE.

Follow her on Insta here.

Join in the discussion on this episode and more in my free Facebook Group, Find Your Feminine Fire HERE.

Listen here or tune in via Apple Podcasts,Stitcher or Spotify.

Do you ever google things to find out if you're normal?  Or have questions you want to ask your health provider, but feel too embarrassed to bring them up?

If so, you're not alone.   

In this week's podcast, I'm talking with Mia Davis, the founder of the online platform tabú, a modern discovery platform for sex and health.

Her own journey of struggling with pelvic pain, shame, and guilt around sex, and the lack of good information led Mia to create Tabú, a place to make conversations about sex approachable and easily accessible. 

Tabú, is an online platform dedicated to taking the shame out of all things "taboo" and providing education and tools to take control of the things that matter most: Your mind, your body, your pleasure, and your relationships. 

Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or Spotify.

Mia Davis is the Founder and CEO of tabú, a modern discovery platform for sex and health. Mia earned her Bachelor of Science degree from Stanford University in 2014.  Her own struggle with pelvic pain, shame and guilt from a conservative upbringing, and the lack of great information out there inspired her to create Tabu.  

Check out tabú HERE.

Follow in Insta here: @talk.tabu

And Twitter @talktabu

Join in the discussion on this episode and more in my free Facebook Group, Find Your Feminine Fire HERE.

Listen here or tune in via Apple Podcasts,Stitcher or Spotify.

In this episode, my dear, brave husband Mark Testa and I share some tips that have helped us thrive in our ten years together.

Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or Spotify.

Mark and I celebrated our ten year anniversary last week!  We were reflecting on our time together, and thought it would be fun to share a bit of our story, and what has helped us to keep our relationship thriving during so much chaos. 

It's not been all rainbows and unicorns by any means, but we always find a way to come back together, to focus on what is good and amplify the health of our partnership.  And thankfully we have found ways to keep our chemistry hot and alive!

Thank you for listening!  If you enjoyed this podcast, please share with your friends!

Join in the discussion on this episode and more in my free Facebook Group, Find Your Feminine Fire HERE.

Listen here or tune in via Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or Spotify.

(Full Transcript Below)

Hello, and welcome to The Find Your Feminine Fire Podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a sex love and relationship coach, and in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex love and relationships and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome. Hello everyone. And welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire Podcast. I'm your host, Amanda Testa. Today, I am going to be talking with the amazing Dr. Mark Testa, who is also my husband, and today is actually our 10 year anniversary. So I thought it would be a fun episode to do a little bit of reflecting on 10 years of marriage and how we've made it this far. So, Mark, thank you for being here. Thank you

Mark Testa (00:51):

For having me, Amanda. It's great to be here. I'm excited to share some of this information and tell you a few things that you don't know about me yet.

Amanda Testa (01:00):

I love that. I always love a bit of mystery because that is definitely exciting. The air of mystery can bring a lot of excitement, especially in a longterm partnership. We have been together for 12 years married for 10, right? Yep. So Mark, before we dive in, maybe you could talk a little bit about who you are and what you do and why you're being brave enough to come on this call because I know not every husband would be this brave, so thank you for doing it.

Mark Testa (01:28):

Yeah. Perfect. Well, thanks for doing it. It was a good recommendation this morning. I'm a chiropractor and acupuncturist for the last 30 years. I've had my hands on thousands and thousands of people and I've just, you know, always been into alternative medicine, natural medicine, integrative medicine, holistic stuff, functional medicine. And really, I think just my nature is to be more naturaland into nature and into, you know, the natural sciences. And so that's sort of my background and I think my courage to be here is I like to educate and share things with people. And I certainly know from touching thousands and thousands and thousands of people, there is no one way and we all need some sort of constant, you know, reminder and support. And so if I can do that, whether it's in healthcare or relationships or other things that interest me, I love to do it.

Amanda Testa (02:24):

I love that. And I have to say it's sometimes really fun to hear your partner talk about themselves in a way that you don't normally every day as you are living with someone all the time. And especially now with the craziness of the world and the pandemic and being stuck together, you might not feel very excited around each other's presence, but sometimes when you can have these different perspectives to see one another end, it can remind you like, Oh yeah, this is why I was attracted to this person in the first place. Right,

Mark Testa (02:53):

Right. That is true. And I think, you know, it's important to like our anniversary to remember that who I fell in love with, because right, sitting here so close to you and looking at you, it's awesome. Cause we don't really do this in the daytime. You're busy on busy, but slowing down to remember who you fell in love with is awesome.

Amanda Testa (03:12):

I love that. Slowing down to remember whp you fell in love with so sweet and it's something that is sometimes hard in the business of life. So that's one of the things I wanted to talk about today. Like what are some things that we, that we do to keep our relationship harmonious and exciting and loving, and then what we do when it's not in that flow because we're humans. And obviously we have our moments. We're very passionate.

Mark Testa (03:36):

We are very passionate. You and me and our daughter and together it's a,

Amanda Testa (03:42):

It's a fire your energy up in here.

Mark Testa (03:45):

Yes.

Amanda Testa (03:46):

So let's talk to that. The first thing is how about trying to make time to remember who you fell in love with, how can you do that when life is so busy and you feel like you have zero alone time, so I'll share a couple of things that I feel are helpful. And then Mark, I'd love to hear your opinion as well, because I think one of the things that we always know is when we make time, even if it's 10 minutes, it is huge because we both are busy. We're both working from home. We both have a lot of responsibilities and we also have our daughter who just turned eight. And so trying to parent, and also with a single child, she wants a lot of our attention. So feeling like we have zero time together , you know, happens a lot. So I think even just finding those little moments when you can get together, even if it's for five minutes, maybe before, like we like often in the morning before our daughter wakes up, we'll work out together. We will maybe have a cup of coffee together, or if we're working together and we can sneak away, we'll go grab a cup of coffee. And another thing is when you feel like you can't get away at all, from being a parent is honestly taking advantage of screen time. Right. Sometimes you got to let them watch a show and have some time together.

Mark Testa (04:54):

Yeah. Right. Exactly. I love our coffee breaks, which we don't get maybe once a week, but we walked down to the local coffee shop and that is great. And like Amanda said, it reminds me of the analogy, little hinges, swing, big doors, just 10 minutes, just can connect us, reconnect us when we're working at home. And you know, we're both busy when you just come over to my side of the office and sit on my lap. I love that. I mean, it's, it's great. And I should do more of that to you, but I like you on my lap then you probably want me on yours. But yeah. You know, I think that, that, and you know, I think too, the other thing is you got, gotta work on yourself before you can, you know, expect to get fulfilled from somebody else. And you know, I'm really saying that to myself again, which I, and I do that a lot with journaling and meditation and journaling a lot lately. So

Amanda Testa (05:47):

I have to say, I'm very grateful that Mark and I are both on a path of growth and trying to be, always learn and do better. And you know, we've actually bonded a lot of recently over things that we want to do together. Like, you know, definitely working more on our daily actions to be anti-racist and to do what we can to help those who are oppressed and to, you know, bring more justice in the world and all the ways. And as well as, you know, you mentioned earlier finding time, even if, you know, to come sit on your lap or whatnot. And I think it's finding ways to flirt and keep that fun alive. And that's one of the things we realized lately is that with all the stress and with everything going on, we haven't had much fun. And we put a lot of pressure on ourselves with our businesses and with our parenting.

Amanda Testa (06:35):

And I think just really taking a step back on occasion and just saying, you know what, we do have so much fun when we allow ourselves to, so we just made that a new intention, like we just reconnected to our intention of, yeah, let's have more fun. And since we have, it makes it much more easy to sneak out for those little breaks or to put this priority of even recording this podcast interview, you know? And so like when I take this five minutes to come and flirt or flash or something fun, you know, just to be playful and to remember the way you were in the beginning, there's a quote from Tony Robbins. And I, you know, you may think what you will with him, but I do appreciate this quote. He talked about, you know, "if you do what you do in the beginning, there won't be an end. "And I think there's some truth to that in some ways, because often the longer you're with someone you lose that kind of putting your best self forward or, you know, putting in more effort, I guess, right.

Mark Testa (07:32):

More effort for sure. Or, you know,

Amanda Testa (07:37):

That sounds

Mark Testa (07:37):

So like, like I got to come up with more, but if you just reprioritize your efforts, I mean, we work in waste so much time on stupid things that we don't really need to do. And I can just say, you know, since January I've been largely off Facebook and I love that and just not wasting time there. So not necessarily coming up with more time, but just reprioritizing it. So you focus on the things that are important and really for me in this pandemic and just, you know, witnessing and watching, I thank your family and your health are the two most, I mean, everybody says it, but if you don't realize that by now, get your journal out, that's yourself. Why not? But I think those are the most important things to put, put attention on. Right.

Amanda Testa (08:21):

Right. So, as Mark mentioned about, you know, with making more time, when you feel like there isn't having that intention, like you said, just putting intention behind what you're doing is huge. And then the second thing we were just talking about was doing your own work and always not expecting everything from your partner. I think it can be really easy to think, well, Oh, if they only did this or it's all because they do that and Oh, if they only did this, you know, we really can do a lot of blaming. And I think when you can stop and take responsibility for your side of the equation, cause there's always two sides. And I know when Mark and I first got together, he would say this quote, if you want more love, give more love, which I don't know who to attribute that to. But I think it's so beautiful because it's true. If you notice that things are really disconnected in your relationship, what are some things you can do to make an effort to reconnect? Maybe even it's just making a list of all the things you appreciate about your partner. Maybe it's remembering some of the things that you used to do together that you love and finding a way to bring essences of that into the present moment.

Mark Testa (09:20):

Yeah. Yeah. I agree. And you know, they want to exercise. We, we, we should do it tomorrow night on our date night fears loves and desires because when you ask, what do you love about me? It really makes you you know, especially when you go for two or three minutes uninterrupted and you know, you're beautiful, you're hot, you turn me on, et cetera. Right. Those things come out immediately. But then you start going deeper about what you really love about that person and reflecting on it and realizing that, you know, they have a lot of great attributes and things that you connect with on connect well on that sometimes just get overlooked. Or you said something today where, you know, hopefully you don't go too far beyond where you started and slip down a slippery slope. And

Amanda Testa (10:14):

I think that's one of the things Mark said early on in our relationship about building a strong foundation. I know I'm very lucky. I have awesome partner. He's so aware, but that when you have those cracks in the foundation, you need to work to amend those. And sometimes after you've been in a relationship for a long time, I remember before we ever had our daughter, we never really argued. It's really easy not to argue when you don't have a lot on your plate. And then obviously becoming parents out of a lot more stress and less time together. And so there would be more and speaking of children, I was just interrupted. So we had to pause for a second. So yes, back to that, I remember we got into some arguments that were really unkind and I feel like there's like a threshold that's broken at that point sometimes. And you go past a level of the way you would treat one another and you have to like go back and men that foundation and recommit to kindness and respect and you know, we're all human it's going to happen. You're going to lose your shit at times and say things you don't mean, but the more you really have to work to repair the damage.

Mark Testa (11:13):

I agree. Totally agree. And I said it last night when we were falling asleep, when I say, I'm sorry, I love you. I'm sorry. Cause I was just thinking about some stuff and, and felt bad. And I just wanted you to know that.

Amanda Testa (11:28):

Yeah. I think it's a beautiful process. It's called the h'oponopono and it's a really beautiful forgiveness prayer. And it's, I love you. I'm sorry, please. Forgive me. Thank you. And I think it's been really powerful. We've even at times to just spend a few minutes saying that to one another and so much is comes up and there's often emotion and tears and things that can come up. And there's also very healing because you're offering forgiveness to yourself and your partner for being human right for

Mark Testa (12:03):

It is it's just being human and know. And I think about that too. You know, there, there is no place you get, like there is no better, there is no place that's under the rainbow. And again, I think about all the people I've talked to and touched in 30 years, everybody has a story. Everyone has a story and some worse than others, but Nope, there is no perfect anything other than just accepting, you know, who you are and where you are. And like I tell them man, and our daughter, I wake up every morning really with the intent to be, you know, as good as I can be every day. Yeah.

Amanda Testa (12:46):

And I think that forgiveness piece is such a huge part in relationships, especially longterm relationships. And, you know, we talked about making more time. We talked about being intentional. We talked about doing your own work. And I think the other thing I want to bring up is just, you know, creating practices and rituals to honor the sacred connection that you have. Right. I love the fact that, you know, there's millions and billions of people in the world. And for some reason, you and this person bonded and connected and fell in love. And it's a huge gift. I feel like it's such a huge gift. And often we forget the sacredness of that in the business of life. And so finding times to create those environments where you can be vulnerable and intimate with one another and maybe it ends in sex, maybe it doesn't, but it's just finding time to connect.

Amanda Testa (13:35):

And I think the key that's helped us, obviously me being in the work that I'm in is I've learned a ton of tools and practices, but actually using those things, doing them as a practice. And he mentioned earlier, one of my favorite practices, it's called the fears, desires and loves practice. And I can actually, if you want to get that, you can go to my website and download it. It's www.amandatesta.com/intimacy, And you can get this practice. It's such a powerful one and it's often really hard. Like I'm curious Mark, the first time you ever did it. How was that for you?

Mark Testa (14:11):

Well, it's awkward and it's hard, you know, what do you fear? What, you know, those are hard. It's makes you it's you're vulnerable, but that makes the ignites the connection man, like amazing when you're so vulnerable with your partner and really in their face while you're doing this thing. So at first it was, you know, little uncomfortable, but now it is just the most healing connecting, you know, thing, one of the rituals we do. And I love it.

Amanda Testa (14:40):

And I'm curious, Mark, what we would say to people out there listening who are maybe like, Oh, my husband would never do that. You know, what could you say to them to know what could they say to their partners to get them excited to do something like this or at least to get them on board to be open?

Mark Testa (14:55):

Yeah. I just think about some of my friends and put myself in trying to convince them, I think just, you know, being gentle with it and you know, what talk about what you hope to get from it. Like, you know, if you know, you've been not paying enough attention to each other, that might be, and you want to pay more attention to each other, that might be the catalyst to doing it. Hey, we have this, I learned this cool thing and you know, I think it would help us get back to what we used to do and have more fun in our life and relationship. And, and I probably, you know, talk about the benefit that could come from it, especially, you know, when you were first in love and yeah,

Amanda Testa (15:38):

I know that's a question I get. And I think that really is, is like getting really clear on why it's important to you and what you hope to benefit and how it could benefit the both of you are key things to share. And so, and I'm curious to Mark over the years with all of that, thank you for being so patient and open to all the beautiful practices and tantric rituals. And so much of that is incredibly powerful. Sacred sexuality is a huge part of what I teach. And I think it's so important and you can do it with, or without a partner, but something about it, as I mentioned earlier, it helps you really, really honor that sacred connection, that gift that you have to be with this partner and really making spirituality something you can do together and actually have a whole course around that, because I think so many couples can use this as a tool to, you know, make things more exciting and to keep the passion going in longterm relationships. I mean, I think there's so much depth that can be had when you explore these angles. And I'm curious Mark, from your perspective, what have you gained from it or what maybe is one of being open to some of these practices? How would you say that they have deepened our relationship?

Mark Testa (16:47):

I, again, I think with the vulnerability helps deepen it, but also, you know, just it's it aligns what you're doing together and keeps it moving in the right direction or, you know, in, in a, in a single direction, right. It's not going all over the place. One person going one place, the other person going another. So I think, you know, it's been helpful that way, especially, you know, some of the prac that the relationship intention in and of itself is powerful. I mean, you're working on it together. And so I think so many couples just drift apart. Like I got my job, you got yours, I'll see you in the house on Saturday and Sunday, see at bedtime and drift. And it doesn't mean you're having an affair or anything like that else, but you just grow apart. So I think these things help, you know, are good. I don't want to use the word glue, but good attraction to remain attracted to each other, a good energy to remain attracted.

Amanda Testa (17:51):

And it doesn't mean not only connects you physically, which is a big part of it. You connect energetically and you, you know, remember that you are on the same page because I think we often forget that. And there's a lot of resentment that can breed. And when you are on the same page, I think there is more of a community feel and the relationship in the family. I mean, I feel like, at least for me, what I can see as I see more of a, you know, we all are going towards the same goal. So everyone steps up to the plate, whether that's with household responsibilities or parenting, or, you know, taking turns, making date nights or whatnot,

Mark Testa (18:33):

You say it so much better than I do. That's great. Yeah. It does help with that sort of unity and, and, you know, and then you talk about things like I've learned a lot from Amanda that help us with our relationship. I and our daughter has too. And I've learned from that. And that's I think that helps make you a better partner to get an understanding how your spouse ticks cause it's different than when you started dating. It's different than before you had kids. It's different. Certainly after kids, it's different since March, since we've all been together, 99.9% of the time

Amanda Testa (19:12):

I know, I love, I was you might've heard my interview with Emily Nagoski a few weeks ago, talking about how togetherness can be kind of like pizza, right? And you love your partner, but you love pizza and maybe you've just eaten a whole pizza and you're like, you know what? I am good on pizza. Like I love pizza, but I don't need any more pizza right now. I'm going to go take a nap. So like finding ways to have time for yourself. And I think that was something that even I think was in our wedding vows, but that, that quote from Khalil Gibran might be mispronouncing his name. I can't think of exactly what I'm talking about. It's about may there be space in your together. Khalil Gibran.Thank you. Maybe there'll be space in your togetherness. And I think that sometimes what we forget is like doing things that light you up, making sure that you make time for that and giving space for your partner to do that so that when you come back together, you're each whole and have more to bring versus expecting someone to meet all those needs for you. That's unrealistic and it's unfair. Really.

Mark Testa (20:08):

It is unfair. And since, you know, since you've been taking these morning hikes, right, that's where you get rejuvenate and revived and I can see it and tell it. And it, you know, you come into our relationship a different person and it is helpful to just like, yeah, put your own seatbelt on first or however the saying goes,

Amanda Testa (20:25):

Because I can totally tell when I'm not doing those things and not doing my practice and we'll lose an egg, we'll lose it. Right. I just feel like my nervous system is fried at zero patients. I don't want to be touched. And then if I take that time to even do a practice or take a hike or whatever it is, even if it's five minutes of breathing in the bathroom, I notice a difference. And I think too, like if you are worried, you know, that your would be supportive as you dive on these journeys. I think one of the things that that's a perfect thing to share is that how much better you are, how much everyone benefits when you take care of yourself? Cause I remember when I first went on this journey, I was so mortified. I remember my first, the first time I signed up for that Jade Egg course, it was all about reclaiming your sex drive. And I had no clue what it was and I was embarrassed. I didn't want anyone to know. So I think I did eventually tell Mark, I'm like, don't come in the bedroom and doing this practice. And then he would see how different I was after. Like, can you tell it to, to just the difference in it? Like maybe if you notice right after I'm fresh from a practice, how I am versus otherwise sometimes.

Mark Testa (21:23):

Right, right afterwards, you're very energetic, very bubbly, very grounded, very central to me, very beautiful. Just much more relaxed I can, you know patient just really re just recharge. It's just, it's very night and day obvious when you do those practices. And then when we, when you come out of it afterwards,

Amanda Testa (21:46):

And I think the same is just for giving your partner that space. Because if you do, once you, once they see how different they are after a break, then you're going to support that. Right. I am supportive of Mark, taking time to do what he needs to do. And he's supportive of me taking time to do what I need to do, because we both know it's better for everyone that way. So I think that could be a great way to wrap it up is just how really supporting one another supporting yourselves. Obviously you've got to have to compromise at times, but knowing that it's for the good of all right,

Mark Testa (22:16):

It is and what relationship, what thing doesn't exist without compromise. It's just, that's what yin yang is. They coexist and they need each other and without one, the other doesn't happen and it's just all fluid. It's I mean, think it's any other way is it's just not anywhere.

Amanda Testa (22:39):

I'm so very grateful to be married to you, Mark. Thank you.

Mark Testa (22:42):

Grateful that to be married to you and that we're still together, we still love each other and we do all this fun stuff together. Thank you.

Amanda Testa (22:52):

We do. And I think that's what makes us remember that we love each other because it's so easy to forget when you are doing all the boring chopping wood and hauling water day to day activities, dealing with the meltdowns bedtime, that takes four hours away. Right? So, well, I just want to thank you all so much for listening and hopefully you have gleaned something to support you in your relationship. I'll also just invite you to check out that practice and see how, you know, how it works for your relationship. I'd love to hear. And I'm curious Mark too, if you have any other last words or anything else you'd like to share on reflecting on 10 years of marriage together.

Mark Testa (23:36):

Yeah. Just keep growing together, you know, invite your spouse, just keep inviting them to participate with you and work on it together. Cause you know, the environment needs to be ripe and then you got to fertilize it, the seeds already been planted and you've just got to, you know, just keep inviting your partner. And I know I don't always want to, but you keep inviting me and we do it. And I'm always, I'm like, what? Why didn't I do that earlier? I'm always kicking myself, but just keep yeah. Just keep, keep working on it. Yeah.

Amanda Testa (24:08):

It's like anything, you know, even if you think about exercise or whatever it is you're doing at first, you're like, I don't want to go. But afterwards you feel amazing. And like anything that you want to nurture and that you want to flourish and grow, you have to take care of it. You have to spend time and energy and effort there. And it can be a fun, rewarding experience. It doesn't have to feel hard and it doesn't always have to involve like sitting in a therapist, all this hashing things out, you don't have to go there. There's so many other ways you can mean that course that's one way and that can be supportive, but there's many ways to go about connecting and reconnecting. So thank you.

Mark Testa (24:46):

Well, thanks for having me on your show. I've always wondered what it was like to be on your show. So thanks for doing it. And this is an amazing space you have,

Amanda Testa (25:00):

And thank you so much all for listening and see you next week. Thank you so much for listening to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. This is your host, Amanda Testa. And if you have felt a calling while listening to this podcast to take this work to a deeper level, this is your golden invitation. I invite you to reach out. You can contact me at amandatesta.com/activate And we can have a heart to heart to discuss more about how this work can transform your life. You can also join us on Facebook @Find Your Feminine Fire Group. And if you've enjoyed this podcast, please share with your friends, go to iTunes and give me a five star rating and a raving review. So I can connect with other amazing listeners like yourself. Thank you so much for being a part of the community.