JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

Amanda Testa is a trusted healer, coach, and guide who’s served hundreds of clients over the years with masterful skills in coaching, pleasure embodiment, and somatic trauma resolution.

After thousands of hours of training in trauma informed sex and relationship coaching, tantric sex coaching, energy healing, somatic trauma resolution, breathwork, yoni egg coaching and more, she’s seen time and time again the magic and wisdom of our bodies.

We all have the ability to return to our blueprint of health, aliveness, pleasure and sovereignty, and you can too.

With her powerful, loving and gentle support her clients find their desire and pleasure again, find safety and bliss in their bodies, and remember they are enough just as they are.

Find out more about her new monthly Pleasure Membership HERE.

Want more support from Amanda? Schedule a confidential 1-1 call with Amanda⁠ here.

In this 45 min call, we’re going to identify your #1 block to pleasure, why it’s showing up in the way it is, and what to do to turn it around. ⁠
⁠
After doing this work for almost a decade, I can quickly identify the patterns holding you back, and show you the steps to change it. ⁠
⁠
Permission to reach out even if it feels scary. Permission to reach out even if you aren’t even sure you want to do this work. Permission to reach out to explore if this is right for you, no strings or pushy sales tactics here.⁠

If you liked this episode, please consider giving me a 5 Star Review on Apple Podcasts! It truly does help the podcast grow. 

Have a topic or question you'd like Amanda to address on a future episode? Submit it on this anonymous form.

EPISODE 258: Spring Cleaning for Your Sexuality


[Fun, Empowering Music]

Amanda Testa: Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a sex, love, and relationship coach, and in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex, love, and relationships, and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome!

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Can we talk about spring cleaning for your sexuality? because as we are moving into spring, today as I record this it’s the equinox, and we are inviting in the return of the light, right? Spring is coming. That budding, that growth, that new energy, that new budding, and this is such a great time to really take stock of what’s working and what might need some sloughing off. And so, what I want to talk about today is ways to kind of revive your libido as we move into the spring. So, sit back and relax, and as we move into the episode, maybe even just think to yourself, “What can I do right now to make my experience just a little bit more pleasurable,” and invite that in, and we will get right rolling!

1:09

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Hey, what’s up? It’s Amanda! If you're enjoying this pod, and if you are interested in how sensual self-care can transform your life and want to learn, “How do we do this? What’s that even mean,” then I invite you to join my membership called The Pleasure Foundation. This is a place where you are going to learn the tricks, the tools, everything you need to tap into a regular sensual self-care practice and not to be alone on your journey. You’ll get to enjoy two live sensual self-care practices a month and really have the opportunity to get rid of shame, to embrace your pleasure, and to have a lot more fun in your sex life. Join us at www.amandatesta.com/tpf!

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Welcome back to the pod, and as we move into our spring cleaning of our sex life, the first thing I’m gonna ask you is -- what I like to break this down into is we’re gonna look at three different areas today. We’re gonna look at your mental landscape, your physical landscape, and also your energetic landscape.

2:08

So, when it comes to the mental landscape, when we’re looking at how to embrace in more of a springtime libido, if you will, bringing back that curiosity, that awakening energy, what might come to mind for you, mentally? What might be standing in your way, mentally, right? When you are thinking about having a better sex life, feeling more connected to your sensuality, feeling more connected to your sexuality, what are the blocks that are coming up right off the bat? Maybe it’s shame. Maybe it’s, “I feel too busy.” Maybe, “I don't have the time.” Maybe, “I’m not feeling good in my body.” Maybe, “I don't know. I’m stressed about finances.” Maybe, “I’m worried about the world --.” Could be a million things, right?

So, for you, just taking a minute and tuning in. What is it for you that comes up, is standing in the way of feeling connected to your sexuality, to your sensuality, to your life force?

3:21

I’m giving you a little minute to think on this because I’m curious what comes up. Oftentimes, we have a lot of shame, right? We have a lot of shame that stands in the way of enjoying ourselves fully, sexually, even people that are in long-term relationships. Shame can come up in a lot of different ways. Sometimes it can be like a sneaky little scoundrel that only pops up every once in a while, and it’s pretty easy to move past, but maybe you’ll feel a little guilty or dirty after sex, and you're like, “Eh, I’m gonna go to sleep and worry about that tomorrow,” and then when you wake up it’s gone. For other people, it can be really intense like it’s someone sitting on your back or like there’s someone in your room and you can't get comfortable, and you can't find your flow, and you're just worried the whole time or can't get out of your head during sex.

4:01

Sometimes it can actually manifest as physical pain, right? Sometimes it can show up as your body shutting down sexually or not being open at all, right? There’s a lot going on here. And so, I actually just did a great workshop in my Pleasure Foundation Membership where I did a whole workshop on slang shame. So, you might want to check that out if that’s something that comes up for you, but even just kind of looking at, “What were the things I was taught around sex, what are the things I was taught,” and, “Is that really true? What do I know to be true today?” Those can be two simple questions to just start you on that journey to unwind that a little bit.

Next, I want to talk about our physical, things physically that we could do as we’re doing a little spring cleaning just to invite in a renewed springtime energy around our sexuality and around getting our libido back because something that I just see times and time again is that, no matter what, your libido can always return, all right?

5:02

I just want you to know this. It can always come back. It can always come back. Even if you feel like it’s been gone too long, I assure you it can come back, and that’s the beautiful thing about this is that we don't have to have all the answers; we just have to have a willingness. And when there’s a willingness, that invites in change. And so, I love this so much because I feel like people are always like, “Well, what can I do to get my libido back when I feel it’s gone?” So, since it’s spring, this is a beautiful time to start inviting in some strategies.

So, I’m gonna share some of my favorite strategies today because I actually was just on another podcast, and I was feeling all fired up about this. Because when we think about our sensual self-care, oftentimes we don't look at our sexual health very often, right? Maybe once a year when we go to the gyno or maybe if there’s a problem. Those are the only times we think about it, for most of us. And so, what I want to invite in is kind of looking at the workout we don't talk about: how could I just care for my sensual and sexual health by actually doing something about it?

6:05

If you think about going to the gym, you want to get healthy, maybe you want to move your body a little bit more, maybe you start walking more or moving your body in some ways that feel good, maybe you want to go to the gym, whatever it is, right, you want to start moving your body more, then you actually have to do something about it, right? You have to actually move the body. And the same is true for our sexual health, right? If we want it to get better, we actually have to do something about it. We have to put in the reps, so to speak. We have to learn how to be with our body, how to touch it, how it works, and for each of us, this is our own journey. You always want to go at a pace that feels good to you, but as you pursue this, maybe it’s even thinking, “Huh, do I feel like I fully understand how my sexual anatomy works, how it functions, how to work with it?” If the answer is, “I don't know,” then maybe spend some time looking at it, right?

I do these workshops every month in The Pleasure Foundation.

7:01

The one I did a couple of months ago I did all around the anatomy of pleasure and really understanding how your anatomy works, and specifically for vulva-bodied humans. So, I think even just taking some time to learn more about your arousal and how it works can go a long way. So, as we’re moving into spring, maybe thinking for yourself, “Huh, how can I invite in -- maybe if I was just to make a few dates with myself over the next couple of weeks to just check in. How am I feeling in my body, what would I like to feel better, and what are some ideas I have to make it feel better? Do I want to just maybe offer myself a gentle massage? I could even touch my own face.”

I often share this one hold that I think is so great because one of the reasons sensual self-care is so important is it can increase your oxytocin, and it’s that feeling of feeling good so that you're not going from 0 to 60, right? You're humming around at a 20 all the time. That’s one of the things that we can do to kind of jumpstart this libido, so to speak, is by doing things on a regular basis that make us feel good, that get that oxytocin flowing, and we can even do this by touching our own body, by touching our own skin.

8:14

And so, I often share this hold with clients, and it’s great for anytime. If you're feeling overwhelmed or if you just want to connect with yourself a little bit, you take one palm, and you place it on your forehead, and you place one hand on the back of your neck. So, you kind of are holding your head in between your hands. You are just kind of holding this position and maybe noticing if you want to sit up a little straighter, get your spine straight. You have this feeling of containment. It’s also your hands on the back of your skull, you can even massage back there a little bit. It’s kind of stimulating the vagus nerve. This hold is doing numerous things, which I won't get into all the details of it, but just kind of notice for yourself.

If you are in a place where you can do that, try it. Maybe you're not. Maybe you're walking the dog or driving. Don't do it. But just keep that one in your back pocket because that’s a simple thing you can do, and actually, touching your own skin does increase your oxytocin.

9:07

Simple things like, “All right, well, how can I maybe enjoy my senses more,” right? Sensuality, that’s all it is is enjoying pleasure through our five senses. So, maybe noticing, “Oh, could I maybe enjoy some music that I love? What’s some music that I enjoy? Can I put that on, and can I listen to it,” and really enjoy the music, and maybe dance or maybe even sing. I actually just read a study about how even singing increases oxytocin and feel-good hormones. I love to sing, and I found this to be true. I think anyone who has been following me for a while might remember my journey with singing last year and how I worked with a singing coach, but it makes such a difference to be able to just move your voice in that way.

Maybe you don't want to sing. Maybe you want to hum or just listen to something you love on Spotify or wherever your favorite place to hear things is. Maybe you want to think in, “Okay, what are some foods that I really love to eat? Maybe I want to try something new!”

10:03

I think this is such a great way to invite in novelty is even just think about foods. Go to the grocery store and maybe pick out something that you've never tried before and really give yourself the experience of smelling it, touching it, looking at the colors, tasting it, really letting it be a sensual experience, right? These are simple things that you can do to kind of jumpstart that aliveness and that sensuality, which leads to moving the libido needle.

Also, maybe noticing as well, “What are the things that I love to touch? Am I enjoying the clothes that I’m wearing?” I know this kind of sounds like a silly thing, but it is a really big thing because a lot of the women that I work with are struggling with self-image issues and feeling good in their skin, and so, a lot of that can come down to are you comfortable in the clothing that you have on? And if not, is there a way to get rid of the things that make you feel gross and get something that makes you feel better, right? Maybe you do a clothing swap with some friends if you don't want to spend a lot of money, or go to the thrift store, or maybe you could try a clothing rental thing or whatever it might be, but just playing around with, “It’s spring! How might I want to shift my wardrobe? Maybe do I want to invite in textures that feel good to my skin or clothing that feels comfortable or shoes that feel comfortable?”

11:12

Maybe you work from home and you're always in sweats, and maybe you want to step it up a little bit, or maybe you always are feeling like you have to wear a lot of formal clothes and you want to relax. Just play with what you're putting on your body because one of our senses is touch, right? And when we are wearing something that feels uncomfortable or that doesn't make us feel good, that affects all of us.

So, all these little things are little teeny tiny steps you can make to move the libido needle. Making sure you're feeling good in your clothes. Making sure when you go in your closet, everything in there fits you. If something doesn't fit, put it in a box, and stick it in the garage or get rid of it because I learned this years ago. I won a closet makeover, and I was in my early 20s at this time, so it was quite some time ago, but one of the best pieces of advice that person gave me was, “If something is in your closet and it doesn't fit, get it the hell out of there because all it’s gonna do is make you feel bad.”

12:04

When you go into your closet, you want to be able to fit in the clothes that are in there, you want to be able to feel good about what’s in there, and if it’s not, just put it away. If you don't want to get rid of it yet, it’s got sentimental value, put it in a box, stick it in the garage, whatever. But make it a sensual experience to go into your closet, so it looks pretty in there, that it feels good. I mean, literally, I live in a house that was built in the 20s, so my closet’s about the size of a shoebox, so it’s super tiny. But it doesn't matter what size your closet is. You can still make it so that there are things in there that feel good and that you enjoy the experience, because that, too, sets the tone for the day.

All these things add up, and I know I’m kind of rambling a little bit, but it’s just these are the tips that you can do, right? I’m breaking them down very simply by looking at just the senses, right? Trying something new, listening to something you like, making sure that you’re touching things that feel good on a regular basis, or even looking into your environment where you work, can you invite in a couple more things to invite in some more comfort in your space? Maybe you bring in some essential oils.

13:04

On my chair I have this soft lambskin thing behind me because I love how it feels. It’s not real lambskin because I’m allergic to lanolin, but it’s just so soft, and I love wearing soft things because I’m a sensual person, so that is important to me. I have a lot of color around my space. So, maybe inviting some of those things into your space, like what are the things that you could do to spruce up your space, right? When we clear out the old, the beautiful thing, too, is as we do this, we’re making space for the new, which I’m gonna talk about in a second when I get to the energetics.

But one more thing I want to share, too, on the physical plane is doing your sensual self-care is such a key component of your overall health and wellness. So, I really do think it’s the workout we don't talk about, and we need to be talking about it because this is one of the main things that can move the needle when it comes to your libido, because when you want something to get better, you have to spend time and energy with it, right? You have to take time nourishing it. Granted, it doesn't have to be a lot of time. I get it. We’re all busy people, myself included.

14:02

But we can make these little pockets of time that are just devoted to our own pleasure, and when you do that, it is going to change everything.

So, I’m telling you, this is a really important thing that I want you to get, and I know I preach this all the time because this is the thing I see people struggling with the most is actually doing the things, right? It’s easy to learn and it’s easy to listen to the podcast and read the books and do all this and that. But actually doing it is harder. So, that’s why I created The Pleasure Foundation is to have a place we can show up and have that community to do it with, but also just because oftentimes we don't even know what to do.

I was talking to a friend recently who has had a very overwhelming bit of time, and crazy busy work, small kids, all the things, challenging things going on in the relationship, just all kinds of things going on. And I was talking with them, and I was like, “What is it that you want? If you had a full day to yourself, and you could just do whatever you wanted all day long, what would you do?” They looked at me, and they were like, “To be honest with you, Amanda, I don't even freaking know what I want.”

15:05

I hear that a lot from clients when you're going through a transition or things are hard or you're feeling overwhelmed. It’s like you don't even know what you want, and so, slowing down and just tuning in, “What are the things that I want? What could bring me pleasure right now,” even if it’s maybe a nap, right, whatever it is, small or big, it’s giving yourself the opportunity to connect to that and slowing down to even know what that is can be a first step, which is why I love just using sensuality as a tool because it invites in that, “Could I just pop in and do a quick sensuality check? What am I feeling right now? What am I smelling? What am I tasting? What am I seeing?” Especially doing this when it’s a good moment, when it’s a nice moment, so that you can kind of lock in those feelings of what feels good, right?

16:00

I love it. It’s just doing that quick sensation snapshot. What am I experiencing in this moment, especially when it’s a good moment? If you want extra credit there, you can even write that down at the end of the day, like, “Oh, my most pleasurable moment of the day was XYZ.” If you want to be celebrated in that, you can go post it in my Find Your Feminine Fire Facebook Group. I will celebrate you! I celebrate all the pleasure that everyone is experiencing, no matter how big or small because the more we celebrate it, the more we kind of require our brains to look for it, right? Because pleasure and pain both originate in the same place in the brain, and so, when we can more default to what feels good, when we can kind of train our brain to look for what is good, we’ll find more of it, right? That’s just basic positive psychology, too. It’s not to bypass the hard things, which is why there are oftentimes deeper things that need to be worked though, but here I’m just giving you some really doable things that you can -- listen to this podcast if you implement some of these things, you are gonna feel refreshed in having a little spring cleaning around your sexuality and your libido.

16:58

Finally, as I mentioned earlier, I want to talk about the energetics here because I am such a big fan of energy, and when we clear out the old, we actually make space for new. It’s an energetic principle. Even just the act of physically cleansing a space energetically opens the space. So, when you're taking that time mentally, writing down all the things that are standing in the way, it’s clearing out that space. It’s clearing out that stuck energy, that stagnancy, those mental loops so that you can invite in a new possibility, right? When you're kind of reviewing those things, like, “What are the things standing in the way of my pleasure,” writing them down, spending some time digesting those, reframing them, maybe thinking about some strategies that could look different, that is creating this new energetic space of possibility for what you do want to call in.

The same thing physically, right? When we are exploring new things in our body, we are creating new loops. When we’re exploring, “Well, you know what? I’ve never really spent a lot of time exploring this part of my body, and maybe that would feel fun to do, or maybe it feels scary and I don't want to. Why does it?” So, giving yourself that opportunity to even feel through your body, like, “What could I do to maybe just take a little bit better care of myself? Maybe I need to do that little hold Amanda taught me a couple times a day. Maybe that’s simply it.”

18:09

Maybe it’s, “I want to quit wearing these pants that are cutting me in half and go find a new pair,” right? Maybe it’s, “I’m done with pants! I’m just gonna wear skirts and no underwear,” whatever it is for you. [Laughs] Just saying. Finding something that could clear out that space physically, right? It’s so big.

I also love this, too, when we’re thinking about physically trying new things, it’s just giving ourselves permission to be awkward and for it to be uncomfortable and laugh maybe a little bit because, as we learn new things, it’s always gonna be clunky and weird at first, and that is totally okay. So, maybe you're new to the podcast, and you're like, “I have no idea what you're talking about.” That’s okay. It can feel confusing to our brain to embrace pleasure as a way of life, as just a normal -- sensual self-care is just, “I will brush my teeth, I will do my sensual self-care.” This is a way we can just keep that libido alive and humming is by taking care of ourselves and creating that energy.

19:03

Finally, when I’m talking about energetics, the other thing I want to say to this is that we truly do -- our sexual energy is our life-force energy, and in the Taoist philosophy, what we’re doing is we’re connecting to that, our life-force energy, that Jing Qi is our life-force. It originates in our sexual organs or our kidneys, and there are exercises and practices that you can do to boost this energy. So, it’s one of the most potent sources of energy that can be replenished and universally used in the human body, and so, you can also tap into this and use it to heal your body, to energize your body, to nourish your body, and to also alchemize the spiritual body and creating spiritual awakening.

So, there’s so much that is possible when we are opening to boosting our libido and knowing that there is an energy there. It is a true energy that we can learn to work with. We all have access to this, even if we feel our libido is dormant, we can breathe life and aliveness back into the body.

20:02

Through sensual self-care, we can access all of these different planes, right? We work mentally, we work physically, we work energetically, and we take that time to honor and celebrate our sensuality and our sexuality exactly as it is. And also to learn to play, like what are the holistic sex tools that are available to me, and how can I use those to boost how I feel in my body and to feel good? And so, I gave you a lot of strategies today that you can go back and look at. Rewriting those stories, look at the mental things, physical things, what are the five senses things I can do to create a new environment as we move into spring. Finally, energetically, how can I make space for my sexual energy to thrive? What are some practices I can do, right?

If you want to learn more about that, then The Pleasure Foundation is for you! You can find more at www.amandatesta.com/tpf, and otherwise even if you're just listening to the podcast and you just want to dip your toe in, I assure you you can go to the show notes. I always put the show notes, and this episode is gonna be www.amandatesta.com/springclean, so that you can go to the show notes, and I have them transcribed every week for numerous reasons, but also so that you can use them as a resource, right?

21:13

If you aren't able to invest yet in coaching or more support, then I have 256 episodes of incredible content that you can go back to, and most all of them are transcribed so that you can get that goodness and digest it in a way that feels doable for you. I know, oftentimes, when you're listening to a podcast, you're multitasking. I know when I’m listening to a podcast, I’m walking my dog, I’m driving, cleaning the house, all those things. I get it. I get where you are now, and that’s okay.

I, first of all, want to thank you so much for listening and being here. I just can't even tell you how much it means to me that you are here with me and that you are listening and that you're finding value in some way, I sure hope, from these episodes, and I really do truly want to support because I do believe so fully that women-identifying humans, when we can connect to our wholeness, our sexuality is a huge part of that, and it helps us to just feel enough.

22:07

No matter what we’ve gone through in life, no matter how hard things are right now, when you can come back home to yourself and your body and to your pleasure, it’s just at our fingertips, often, right? It’s just connecting to those little things, some of the things I talked about today, that can connect us to our pleasure, it is transformational in how we move forward in our lives, how we approach the people we love, how our relationships play out, how we communicate with our partners, whether we lose it on the kids or not. I mean, it’s all so connected, and I find, for me, especially, it’s like these practices bring me back to my center, bring me back to what’s important, and the great things in my life. No matter how hard things can be some days, it’s like when I can come back to my pleasure, into this present moment, there is always possibility, right? There is always a new way forward.

22:58

As we move into this equinox energy and invite back in the light and this aliveness that is available to us right now, I’ll just invite you to really just take a moment and take a breath and just celebrate the fact that you are here, that you are breathing, that you are connecting to this podcast, that you are even connecting to me right now, that you can have this experience of connection even just through your ears.

I appreciate you so much for being here. Thank you again. If you want to connect more with me, I would love to have you in The Pleasure Foundation. Again, you can find more at www.amandatesta.com/tpf. I’m wishing you a beautiful spring. Welcome the light. Welcome, welcome all the goodness that is coming our way, honoring that creation ability in you as well. We can create what we want when we are allowing ourselves to truly access all that’s available to us. And so, I hope that you enjoyed this podcast, and I’m sending much love. We’ll see you very soon!

23:58

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Thank you for listening to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast! If you loved this episode, please go ahead and forward it right now to someone who you know would love it, and if you’ve not yet had a chance to leave us a rave review on Apple Podcasts, please make sure you rate and review if you enjoyed the podcast as well as make sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Thanks for listening, and we’ll see you next week!

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

Faith Laux is a Somatic Sex, Love and Relationships coach. Her transformational coaching helps her clients reconnect to the wisdom, intuition and enchantment of their body so that they are empowered to thrive sexually. She helps her clients prioritize their pleasure and delight in their sexual energy. In May of 2022 she was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. Since then she has been adding pleasure as a healing modality alongside her treatments to help her thrive and enjoy life on an otherwise grueling journey. She has additional experience with shamanic healing and emotional empowerment which she weaves into her offerings.

Mother, artist, wife, former middle school Spanish teacher and adventurer Faith seeks to normalize the conversation around sexuality, cancer and desire.

Important links:

To work with Faith 1:1: https://www.faithlaux.com/coaching

Follow Faith on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/faithlaux/

Want more support from Amanda? Schedule a confidential 1-1 call with Amanda⁠ here.

In this 45 min call, we’re going to identify your #1 block to pleasure, why it’s showing up in the way it is, and what to do to turn it around. ⁠
⁠
After doing this work for almost a decade, I can quickly identify the patterns holding you back, and show you the steps to change it. ⁠
⁠
Permission to reach out even if it feels scary. Permission to reach out even if you aren’t even sure you want to do this work. Permission to reach out to explore if this is right for you, no strings or pushy sales tactics here.⁠

If you liked this episode, please consider giving me a 5 Star Review on Apple Podcasts! It truly does help the podcast grow. 

Have a topic or question you'd like Amanda to address on a future episode? Submit it on this anonymous form.

EPISODE 257: Faith Laux


[Fun, Empowering Music]

Amanda Testa: Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a sex, love, and relationship coach, and in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex, love, and relationships, and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome!

_______

Hey, what’s up? It’s Amanda! If you're enjoying this pod, and you know you are ready to say yes to more pleasure, and you are just wanting to know, “How the hell do I do it,” well, you are in luck because as of now, we have spots available in The Pleasure Foundation which is my pleasure membership where twice a month you get an amazing practice that teaches you how to drop into your body, to become more connected to yourself, and to learn the art of sacred self-care. So, if this is something you're interested in, go to www.amandatesta.com/tpf (as in The Pleasure Foundation) and we will see you there!

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1:00

Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast! Have you ever had those experiences in life where you have maybe been dealt a card that you weren't expecting or potentially just a transition that felt really challenging to digest? Today, I’m super thrilled because I am going to be talking with Faith Laux, and she is an amazing, amazing just bright light. She’s a sex, love, and relationship coach, and she specializes in helping people to kind of reclaim their erotic lives through transition, and she is gonna share a little bit more today about her own story of keeping pleasure at the forefront and finding a way to thrive going through cancer treatment.

And so, I am super thrilled to have Faith here today. I just adore her. I had the pleasure of meeting her because she was one of the students in the VITA training program that I got to just meet, and through the whole time when I was teaching and just feeling her showing up and her energy and just her power just exudes.

2:08

So, being in her presence just feels so electric and amazing. So, welcome, Faith! So glad to have you here.

Faith Laux: Thank you so much, Amanda. I love that intro. Yes!

Amanda Testa: And I’m curious, too, as we start, if there’s anything else that you want to say about yourself or that you want to add to the introduction.

Faith Laux: Yeah, well, I think you said it well. I support people through transitions. That really is it. I mean, to get a little bit more granular, I support new moms who are transitioning sort of out of the survival mode of learning how to parent a newborn and then sort of ready to reclaim their sexuality or redefine their sexuality in this new iteration of being a mother, and then the transition that I’ve recently gone through of what you said, this sort of unexpected news of, “Hey, you have stage four colon cancer.” “What?”

3:00

And digesting that, integrating that news, and starting a healing journey towards my own health and recovery, you know, and weaving sexuality into that because it doesn't go away. It’s not like because you have this big cataclysmic diagnosis that your sex drive just disappears. It changes. It transitions. And so, I’ve been living in that transition for the past, gosh, eight or nine months at this point, and I’ve got a lot to share because it’s been actually a surprisingly wonderful journey, and I did not expect to be able to be at the tail end of my cancer treatment looking back and saying that.

Amanda Testa: I really want to just take a moment and reflect on how you digested that, right? This was an amazing experience that -- I think a lot of people don't have that experience, right? So, I’d love for you to share a little bit more about what were kind of some of the things that helped you as you got the diagnosis.

4:02

As you moved down this path, what were the things that really helped you to kind of embrace the journey versus be -- because a lot of times when these types of things happen, there are a lot of different ways people respond. So, I’m curious what was it for you that helped you to move through it in such a really inspiring way?

Faith Laux: Mm, so, I’ll just sort of kind of take you back. I experienced right around the beginning of when I started training through the VITA program, I started having this intense consistent abdominal pain, and it would come and go throughout the day, and I was just sort of perplexed by it, and I couldn't figure out why it was there, and it was there for, like, a year and a half. And until I went and I got a colonoscopy after doing nutritional changes and dietary shifts, “Maybe I’m allergic to something that I’m eating. Maybe my microbiome needs to be changed,” but nothing actually helped that I was doing.

5:00

And so, I got a colonoscopy in May of 2022 and thought that I would come out of that learning I have irritable bowel syndrome or Crohn’s or some digestive issue, and I did, but it was not what I expected.

The doctor was like, “I’m so sorry to tell you this, but you have cancer. There’s cancer in your colon,” and I was floored. I wasn't even afraid of that going into the colonoscopy. It wasn't on my radar in the slightest, and I don't have much experience with people in my family going through cancer, so it felt very out of left field. I’m this young 40-year-old woman who -- what the fuck? Like, what? What? And, you know, it’s an interesting experience to, then, kind of go into hyper speed with treatments and sort of the Western medicine. Sort of the image I have is like an assembly line. Now you're on the assembly line of cancer patient, and you get to decide are you gonna do chemo. You talk to your team. Are we gonna start with chemo? Are we gonna do radiation? Is there gonna be surgery?

6:08

I think that being on this really swift assembly line, those first few weeks are extremely challenging to psychologically reckon with this new being that has just entered your family. You know, it’s a new family member you didn't expect to have, and I wish that I had had the awareness and the permission to take a breath during that time and slow the assembly line down.

Now that I’m nine months into this journey, I’m really realizing, oh, I have autonomy in this. I am the one driving this bus. I get to decide when my chemo infusions are, if I need to wait a week. “Oh, my husband’s going to London? Okay, let’s postpone the next treatment until he gets back.” It’s not like I’m just surrendering to what the doctors say and recommend. It’s a co-created process.

7:00

And so, I think at the beginning there are so many emotions and so much grief and fear and uncertainty to be with that I think anybody going through something similar, I just want them to feel that sense of spaciousness, like take a moment. Take a lot of moments to slow down and process this emotionally. The cancer took years to develop in my body, and an extra week or two of settling before I make some decisions and do some things is fine. And, I mean, some cancers are more aggressive and invasive than mine, so that’s just something to name.

But I think that it’s been an interesting journey of, in the beginning, feeling like, “Oh, I’ve just got to do what they say. I’ve just got to do that next recommended thing,” and given that I didn't have much experience with it, I just battened down the hatches. I didn't accept new clients. I didn't know what was coming, you know?

8:00

I’m from Florida, and hurricanes hit Florida a lot, and so, I’m used to anticipating disaster and hedging risk, you know? Like, “What’s gonna come? I don't know. What should we do? Should we --.” And so, I kind of just locked everything down, and I canceled our trip to Costa Rica for the retreat. I thought, “Oh, my gosh. I’m gonna have surgery. I’ll be depleted. There’s no way I could do that. That’s ridiculous.” And so, I just kind of locked everything up, and over the course of time, I realized, “Oh, man, I don't need to have everything battened down. A) I’m not in control, and it’s okay for me to ask for help and be vulnerable, and B) I’m way stronger than I thought I was. So, I think a month and a half after surgery was plenty of time to be able to take a trip to Costa Rica and trust that I would get the help that I needed to lift the things that I shouldn't be lifting and go and take this time to really bask in the pleasure of being with all of these incredible women and just hour after hour, day after day, bathe in pleasure and in sexual healing. And that was my intention for the retreat was to sort of peel back the layers and see what’s actually real.

9:16

I think that’s one of the biggest gifts of cancer that I’ve experienced is the opportunity to let go of any masks that I was wearing or postures that I was assuming that would get me the love from people or get me acceptance and belonging. It was like, “Oh, that doesn't matter. That’s not actually me, so I’m gonna let that go because death is now part of my family.” My mortality is so much closer to my awareness than it ever was, and that also means that my aliveness is so much closer, and who I authentically am has been able to just burn through, and I really do sort of feel this phoenix energy of, “Okay, that old Faith is gone. She’s gone, and this new Faith who feels shameless about who she is, what she wants, what her gifts are is here,” and it feels amazing.

10:20

Amanda Testa: I’m just gonna take a moment and celebrate the phoenix energy in you, and I recall -- so, Faith was just talking about a retreat. And so, at the culmination of the sex, love, and relationship coaching, we take the students to a retreat, and it’s in this amazing venue in Costa Rica. It’s gorgeous. And so, in teaching that retreat, it was amazing to just look at these hundred, beautiful, pussy-owners just reveling in their experience, and one of the things I remember about you, Faith, is just how you came into that with a mission to just experience whatever there was to experience, right? There wasn't necessarily expectation around it, but you were just, I remember, like, “I am here, and I’m gonna be fully here.”

Faith Laux: Yeah.

11:01

Amanda Testa: And just watching you just continue to blossom through the week --

Faith Laux: Yeah.

Amanda Testa: -- was amazing to see.

Faith Laux: I mean, Amanda, I have to say I am a sexually fluent woman who mostly loves cock. That’s my delicious space. And with that being said, as I look back on my life, I think that week in Costa Rica was the happiest week of my life because I felt the most me. I felt like I could be the fullest, most luscious, silly, vivacious, sexual, safe, free woman that I am, and I juxtapose that with the comment about cock because there were no cocks present. There were no men on this retreat. We were just in this super feminine vortex, and at the same time, I felt so connected to my own life force energy and my own beauty of who I naturally am when I get to just devote time and attention to myself in this context.

12:13

Amanda Testa: I mean, what a gift. I think that’s one of the things I always feel in those environments when I’m teaching retreats like that or experiencing them is that there are not enough places in our world where we can be that freely accepted in our unique sexual expression, in who we truly are, in an environment that is safe, that is contained, that is celebrated.

Faith Laux: Mm-hmm.

Amanda Testa: And so, that’s the beauty, and this is why we are so passionate about bringing this work to the world.

Faith Laux: Yeah.

Amanda Testa: Because it is really life changing. It is life affirming. It is so incredible.

Faith Laux: It’s so healing to be surrounded by 100 women who love you exactly as you are, accept you as you are, and celebrate you as you are in this sort of very expansive, exploratory space.

Amanda Testa: I know one of the things you mentioned, too, is around how actively cultivating your community and getting support was the key thing for you during your treatment, and I’m wondering if you might share a little bit more about what you did to support yourself in that way.

13:16

Faith Laux: Mm-hmm. Well, it’s interesting. What comes up for me as you say that right now is shame, and I think that part of why this cancer chose to emerge in my body was shame (and sexual shame, to be specific) and feeling like I was not allowed to have what I actually desire. What I desire is not okay, and I think a lot of people who go through -- I mean, there’s so much sexual shame and unspoken truth that people walk around with all the time, and part of my healing journey was talking about it, exploring it. I think intuitively that’s why I picked this program, and I picked this new career because I knew that there was important healing for me to do on my own here, and then to be able to bestow to others. And I think that a lot of people that I’ve encountered who have cancer, I mean, they don't tell other people.

14:13

They go through it alone, and there’s a sense of shame that you have cancer or that you have to hide it, you know, and go through it alone or there’s something wrong with you.

And so, early on, around the time of my surgery in early June, everything was happening so quickly, and I had this urge to write an email to all of the friends and family that I wanted to be with me energetically on this journey and in the surgery, in particular. And I had very specific prayers that I wanted them to hold and pray, and so, I just kind of filled everybody in, and some people knew, from conversations that I’d had with them, what was going on, and other people had no idea that this was what was happening for me.

15:00

It was a very quick assembly line that got me from the colonoscopy and the diagnosis to the surgery. And the responses back that I got from that first email filling people in and requesting their support and love and prayers were incredible. I mean, people matched my vulnerability with their own, and I learned things about friends and family members that I never knew. Some of them had cancer themselves, and I never fucking knew or huge multi-year health issues that I never knew. And it was a gift to be able to share and then receive, and it just kind of deepend the ties that I have with the people that I love. And so, I kept writing the emails.

So, every week or so at the beginning I would give people an update because there were a lot of things changing over the course of a week when you have a massive abdominal surgery, and I was just checking in with them and kind of sending them pictures.

16:03

My husband wrote this beautiful song in the hospital as I was going through the surgery. He’s a musician, among many other things. He’s kind of a renaissance man. And I can remember him sitting next to me in the hospital room as I’m laying in bed and writing this song, and I’m like, “Can I hear it? Is it done?” “No, it’s not done.” “Okay, well, am I gonna cry when it is done?” He’s like, “Yeah, we’re both gonna cry. This is gonna be a lot.”

And when I heard the song for the first time, it starts with these beeps. You know, like the sound you hear in a hospital. And I was like, “Oh, that’s a good way to start it. That’s pretty authentic.” He was like, “This was the sound of your hospital room, and it matched the beat of the music that I picked,” and I was like, “Oh, my god,” and just listening to it and weeping and sharing that with the community, you know, this creative offering, and just keeping them -- I mean, it’s been kind of an email every two weeks at this point.

17:03

And now it’s a little bit longer of a cadence because I’m seven months into chemo, and there’s not as much new stuff to share, but I still do right to them, you know? And I updated them like, “Okay, my last chemo session is happening tomorrow, and I got a negative blood test with -- the skin microscopically perceives cancer in your body, and it was negative. And so, this is just one final nail in the coffin preventatively to move on and start the process of detoxing all of these harsh chemicals that are in my body.”

Yeah, being able to not feel ashamed to share what I’m going through. I just met a new mom at my daughter’s ballet class, and we set up a playdate for our girls, and I just was in a text message like, “Oh, I’ll probably be tired. This is the weekend after my final -- I’m doing chemo. This will be the drop period when the steroids and the anti-nausea meds wear off, and I’ll probably be tired.” And she: “Oh, my gosh! Can I help? Can I make you soup? I’m great at soup.” And I’m like, “Yes, I will accept your soup,” you know?

18:10

And that kind of generosity and connection only happens when we open up and we let people know what’s actually happening without a sense of shame or victimhood, and this is just what’s so. And so, I think that my invitation for anybody going through a similar situation is to let people know what you're going through and ask for exactly what would feel good.

Amanda Testa: Oh, and I’m curious -- let me just ask you this along those lines. How were you able to tune into what you needed, to what would feel good for you?

Faith Laux: Mm, I think it’s a moment-by-moment thing, you know? And sometimes it’s through conversation, like talking things through and having the space to reflect out loud and then come to realize, “Oh, I need more meal train support,” or, “Oh, I need more grief support. I need to get a session on the books with my coach so that I can weep and release and let this go.

19:10

And sometimes through writing. But there is, for me, an external factor of, “Am I writing or am I talking this through,” and through that, I can kind of get to what I need.

Amanda Testa: I think that is so key because it’s so easy to not tune into our needs, and sometimes it does take something kind of radical to shift that for people where you're like, “Oh, wait. Now I really do need to tune into what I need.”

Faith Laux: Yeah.

Amanda Testa: And be open for help, and you just mentioned grief. I would love if you would share a little bit more about how you befriended the grief process on your journey.

Faith Laux: Mm-hmm. Yeah, I mean, at the beginning, at the end of May, those first days after getting the diagnosis, it was intense, and I have a relationship with grief from before this that’s felt very, I would call it healthy in the sense that, “Welcome.
You're here. You're this cathartic, cleansing emotion that I get to allow to move through me and just wash away any and all things that are in its path.”

20:21

I think it’s a really healthy emotion to allow, you know, and to create space for. And it’s interesting because it can have different flavors as well, you know? Grief is not just like this one all-encompassing thing. It can be grief paired with joy and gratitude, grief paired with despair and hopelessness, you know? And those are two very different flavors of grief. And just allowing whatever is so to come forth, and not stopping it up or pretending like it’s not there or not feeling like we have permission to feel it. We do have permission to feel it. Head to the ground, feet on the earth, give it back, and let her metabolize it and convulse through you and out of you, and then in its wake, there’s space for something new to be born.

21:13

Amanda Testa: Mm, I love that visual of grief as just being cleansing, and also, it is what it is. Like you say, this is something you worked with a while because sometimes for people you might need a support, you might need a coach, you might need a therapist to be able to sit with the grief and to let it --

Faith Laux: Yeah.

Amanda Testa: -- let it do what it needs to do.

Faith Laux: There is something really powerful about grieving in relationship --

Amanda Testa: Mm-hmm.

Faith Laux: -- and not grieving by yourself. I think that when someone can hold a strong safe container for you to just melt into, fuck. There is not much better than that, Amanda.

Amanda Testa: Right. I do know. Yes, ah. So, I want to shift gears a little bit because one of the things I love about your journey is you really allow sexual pleasure to be part of your healing medicine, and I would love if you would share a little bit more about that, how your sexuality changed, how you were able to stay committed to yourself in that way. Tell me a little bit about that if you don't mind.

22:11

Faith Laux: Yeah, well, I’ll take you back to the beach in Costa Rica where we did our sex magic practice, sort of our culminating collective experience, and as we’re circulating the energy through our bodies and really envisioning, for me, what I was holding in my mind was this six-month chemo journey that was about to begin when I returned to The States and picturing, “What do I want those six months to be?” Oh, and I just got this download of, “Oh, these six months are gonna be devoted to pleasure. I just want my days to be dripping in pleasure, in beauty, in creativity, in connection,” and I just had this goddess vibe. It was like if it’s not full of the goddess of beauty and sensuality and aliveness and deliciousness, then it’s not gonna come into my path. I’m not letting it in.

23:08

And so, I just was, like, painting. I see making beautiful paintings and adorning the walls of our house with beauty. I see welcoming in beautiful clothes with colors and textures that just make me feel so delicious. I see inviting friends over to have wonderful conversations with. And then sexual pleasure.

I didn't know what was coming down the pike in the regard because I know that chemo can really fuck with your bodily systems, and it has fucked with my bodily systems. I’m in a medically-induced menopause. I haven't bled for, god, months and months. And so, just kind of acknowledging, “Oh, okay, my body’s different.” Oh, there was a period of time where my orgasm was like just not, not nearby, not in this solar system. It was just elusive and way out there, and I had to work so hard to climax, and then things shift and change.

24:08

And so, another element of this whole journey and experience for me has been claiming my sexual desires shamelessly, and I think that that’s part of why the meaning that I’ve created for this experience goes back, let’s see, to a period of time before the coaching program started, before the pain started.

I was the mom of a one-year-old, and we were coming out of the thick of that first year of surviving being new parents, and our sexuality was pretty non-existent. I mean, it would happen occasionally, but it was not thriving, and I think that’s normal and natural for a lot of people, you know? That’s sort of the you get to recreate and rediscover what your sexuality looks like as a couple and as an individual when you're at that kind of stage. And when I stopped breastfeeding, my libido returned with a vengeance, and it was like, “All right, babe! Let’s do it! Let’s do all the things!”

25:08

And all the things, for me, in that moment was like, “Ooh, I want a threesome with another man and my husband. I want this to happen. That would be delicious!” And I brought it to my husband. I was like, “Would you like to do this? I’m, like, really turned on by this. I love this opportunity. Ah, I just want that,” and he was like a hard no. He was very not interested, and I felt very shut down and ashamed of that desire like, “Oh, that can't be. That can't exist. There’s something wrong with me.”

And over the course of studying -- I mean, but it was a catalyzing turning point for us as a couple. He was like, “No, I don't want another person. That’s a no. But I am open to studying sexuality with you, and I am open to bringing new teachers into our life that will help us learn and grow in this area,” and that’s how I met Layla Martin, actually. A friend introduced me to her, and so, from there, was this sort of healing journey of coming to acknowledge, “Oh, I’m kinky. I like the taboo. I’m turned on by that. That’s part of who I am, sexually, and I haven't really given myself permission to be that.”

26:14

So, that throughline has been present this whole time, and being able to come back from Costa Rica and be like, “It feels like on that trip I burned away any residual shame that I had over my desires and over the fact that they were different from my husband’s.” And so, I came back, and I was like, “I get that you're not into this, and that is totally fine. I am, and this is what I like, and this is what I want, and it’s gonna be really interesting for us to figure out how to negotiate both of us getting our needs met, but I’m not gonna hide. I’m not going to feel embarrassed or shy or ashamed about who I am, what I like, and what I want. This is me.”

And so, for me, in this experience, it’s been this sort of burning away of shame and welcoming my kinky side to have the space to breathe and learning about kink.

27:13

There’s a whole kink community that I did not know existed! That’s fabulous, you know? And there are ways to play in that realm that are not sexual. And so, we’ve been talking, and I’ve been kind of asking, “Well, would it be okay to do some impact play with other people in a non-sexual way? Is that okay?” “Yeah, that’s okay.” “Oh, my gosh!” So, I’m just making these new friends and connections in this world that feel like, “Oh, it’s like a homecoming!” And that’s my particular flavor. Some people are kinky, and some people are not, and that’s fine. There’s no right way to do it, but that has been sort of the flavor that it’s taken for me is just doing the next right thing like, “Oh, I’d like to experience rope play and Shibari to see if I like it. Oh, turns out that I do. Great! Let’s do some fire play. Ah, I like that too!” And then being able to talk about it honestly and openly with my husband and not feel like it’s something that I need to hide or be ashamed of. I feel like I’m living my best life, and he’s along for the ride in the way that feels right for him, and it feels wonderful.

28:23

Amanda Testa: I think it’s amazing when you can find that ability to be so connected to your desires in that way and be able to shamelessly talk about it because I think that is so healing for people, both individually and in relationships, when you can truly know what you want and be able to speak it because there are so many ways to get your needs met, right? And when you start to talk about it, then you can start to get creative. You can start to discover, “Yeah, what is my erotic blueprint? What is my nature? What do I want to explore? What do I want to get turned on by,” and when you have that ability to play in so many different ways and to find what that is for you, everyone is unique, and everyone is different, and how you can work together with your partner around that as well, then you have an infinity amount of things to play and try, which can be super exciting when you're thinking about, especially in a monogamous, long-term relationship, how you keep it hot and steamy and exciting and keep that connection.

29:21

Faith Laux: Mm-hmm, yeah. Well said. I agree. I think that it can be very challenging for couples to do exactly what you said --

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Faith Laux: -- just name our desires, especially when we know that the other person isn't into the same thing, and it’s okay. We can be different.

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Faith Laux: We can talk about this.

Amanda Testa: And I think, too, around that is sometimes, again, you might need help from an outside person, like a coach or a therapist, because one of the things -- even you mentioned it happened to you. You had this great idea. You were all excited. Your partner said no, and then you felt shut down. There are ways to have those conversations where there’s no wrong answer, right? And then the more you talk about it -- because immediately someone’s shame might come up maybe like, “Nope,” but then the more you talk about it and the more you get comfortable with each other, then those edges soften, and then you're like, “Well, yeah, I would be open to trying this, that, and the other.” And there can still be hard nos, but that gives you the opportunity to talk. “These things are a yes. These things are a maybe. These things are a no.”

Faith Laux: Mm-hmm.

30:19

Amanda Testa: And that always evolves as you do and as your relationship does depending on the season you're in and all the things, right?

Faith Laux: Yeah, absolutely.

Amanda Testa: Yeah, and speaking to that, I would love if you would maybe just share a little bit because, obviously, in the season of after having a kid -- I mean, having small kids, having a relationship, moving through your treatment. What are some of the things that you did to stay connected with your partner during that time, especially if you weren’t feeling maybe so erotically charged, or what were the things that really helped you to stay connected through it all?

Faith Laux: Mm.

Amanda Testa: Because, again, not only do you have small kids, but all the other things that are just challenging in general.

Faith Laux: Right. It’s true. Right. A five-year-old, and full-time jobs, and a long-term relationship with somebody you've been with for a very long time, that in and of itself is a lot to work out, and then you add cancer on top, and you're like, “What the fuck? Okay, phew! Strap in, guys. Here we go!”

31:13

You know, it’s interesting, with that question, the first thing that comes to me is acknowledging the times over the past nine months when we have not been very connected, when we have felt very distant and like roommates, and that sense of loneliness, you know? Also mammalian loneliness, you know? Like, “Wow, we haven't touched much in the past week or two or three.” And my animal, the animal that is my body and my human and my human animal is craving contact and craving touch and just kind of acknowledging, “We haven't snuggled. We haven't cuddled. We haven't fucked. We haven't done anything,” you know? We’ve been in these vortexes that, for some reason, we haven't intended for them to vortex together and overlap physically.

32:04

And so, I think, for us what’s been helpful is having sort of taking-stock conversations where we’ll just sit together after our daughter’s asleep, and sometimes we’ll put a timer on the phone, and he’ll get five minutes or ten minutes. It depends on how long it’s been since we’ve really connected, but we’ll just get present, and we’ll check in with each other and flow in a space where if he’s talking, I’m just listening, and it’s not my job to respond or have any answers or solutions. I’m just listening. And then it’s my turn to share, and I don't often know where that kind of open sharing will go, but it’s often very rich, and stuff emerges that you don't expect, and in those kinds of conversations is when I would notice, “Oh, my gosh. I just want to be close to you, and I miss hugs and touches.

I’ve got friends who taught me a while back about what they call tender time, and it was just naked cuddling in bed at the beginning and end of the day, and they did it very intentionally.

33:13

As I’m talking to you right now I’m like, “Oh, we haven't had tender time in a while. I should probably talk to him about that and put that back on the menu,” you know? But it really does require conscious effort. I think that often when we’re in these long-term relationships, it’s easy for distance to develop between two people. So, having these times to check-in. Especially again with young children, who has the time and energy for this? Well, people who make the time and choose to devote the energy and attention to their couple, and it is possible. You just kind of have to intend it. And it’s helpful when both people are on board to do it.

Amanda Testa: For sure. I love that, tender time. That’s just so lovely. I mean, I’ve heard it called something else, but I love the words tender time, and what I think is so beautiful about it is just that intimacy, the vulnerability, but also the lack of expectation.

Faith Laux: Yeah.

34:06

Amanda Testa: It’s just like, “We’re just gonna lay here naked.”

Faith Laux: Yeah.

Amanda Testa: So, it just makes me feel at ease. There’s just gonna be connection.

Faith Laux: Yeah.

Amanda Testa: It doesn't have to be penetration. It doesn't have to be anything but just to be together in that vulnerable way is so awesome.

Faith Laux: Yeah.

Amanda Testa: I love that.

Faith Laux: Yeah, yeah. You know, and a lot of us are sitting behind computers all day, and we’re not touching other mammals, other humans, you know? And we are animals! And we are social, and we like touch.

Amanda Testa: Yeah!

Faith Laux: So, get it in. Ask for it. Make space for it because it matters, and it really fills our cup in ways that we might not even be conscious of.

Amanda Testa: Yeah, so true. Oh my gosh, Faith. I could just keep talking with you, but I know we’re wrapping it up here shortly. So, I’d love if there are any last words that you would like to share or if there was a question that I didn't ask that you wish that I would have asked?

35:00

Faith Laux: Hmm, yeah, well, I just feel grateful to be having this conversation with you on the eve of my final chemo treatment, you know, and being able to reflect back on this journey and kind of harvest some of the wisdom. And I think what I’m walking away with is a real sense of gratitude for this experience that my body has chosen to put me through because it’s brought me closer to who I actually am, and it’s forced me to reckon with the ways in which I’ve been inauthentic in my life and done the things that I think I need to do in order to be loved and accepted but that don't really actually feel like who I am, and this has been a real wake-up call like, “Oh, oh, I’m gonna die!” It might be today. It might be tomorrow. It might be in, I don't know, 40 years. So, if I’m gonna die, and death is my new companion, then how do I want to live and what really matters to me? “Oh, okay, let me get really clear on that, and then just do it and live it.”

36:04

And so, it’s been ultimately a gift, and I’m grateful for the journey that I’ve been on and the ways that I’ve been able to ask for support clearly, get it from all over the place, and kind of emerge as this fiery, authentic, powerful, shameless phoenix who can ask for what she wants and get it and inspire others along the way.

Amanda Testa: I love it so much. Well, thank you so much again, Faith, for being here. And for those of you listening who want to connect to Faith, will you share where they can find you, all that good stuff?

Faith Laux: Yeah, absolutely. So, I share quite a bit on Instagram @faithlaux, and my website is www.faithlaux.com, and I would love to connect with anybody who feels resonant with this experience and wants some support in this way because it’s a journey, and, I mean, it’s helpful when you get support, when you get good support along the way. So, that’s where you can find me.

37:10

Amanda Testa: Beautiful and thank you again for being here. It’s so good to connect with you again and see you.

Faith Laux: Likewise. Thank you for having me! I feel really honored and blessed.

Amanda Testa: Yes, yes. And thank you all for listening, and we will look forward to seeing you next time!
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Thank you for listening to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast! If you loved this episode, please go ahead and forward it right now to someone who you know would love it, and if you’ve not yet had a chance to leave us a rave review on Apple Podcasts, please make sure you rate and review if you enjoyed the podcast as well as make sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Thanks for listening, and we’ll see you next week!

[Fun, Empowering Music]

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

Kimothy Joy started a daily painting practice almost a decade ago to heal after a break up. This practice became a way to study and honor women’s words and wisdom, including her own. Her personal herstory project and portrait series became the bestselling book That’s What She Said: Wise Words from Influential Women.

From her ongoing journey of reclaiming her feminine power, she shares mindfulness practices to unlock your own wisdom and creative expression through books, journals, and workshops.

Kimothy believes in the power of sisterhood to heal our world and unleash our potential. She hosts regular women’s circles, leads women’s retreats, offers 1-on-1 sistership sessions, and has an online community.

Check out her new journal HERE and join her 90 day journaling community.

Want more support from Amanda? Schedule a confidential 1-1 call with Amanda⁠ here.

In this 45 min call, we’re going to identify your #1 block to pleasure, why it’s showing up in the way it is, and what to do to turn it around. ⁠
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After doing this work for almost a decade, I can quickly identify the patterns holding you back, and show you the steps to change it. ⁠
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Permission to reach out even if it feels scary. Permission to reach out even if you aren’t even sure you want to do this work. Permission to reach out to explore if this is right for you, no strings or pushy sales tactics here.⁠

If you liked this episode, please consider giving me a 5 Star Review on Apple Podcasts! It truly does help the podcast grow. 

Have a topic or question you'd like Amanda to address on a future episode? Submit it on this anonymous form.

EPISODE 256: Kimothy Joy


[Fun, Empowering Music]

Amanda Testa: Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a sex, love, and relationship coach, and in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex, love, and relationships, and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome!

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Hey, what’s up? It’s Amanda! If you're enjoying this pod, and you know you are ready to say yes to more pleasure, and you are just wanting to know, “How the hell do I do it,” well, you are in luck because as of now, we have spots available in The Pleasure Foundation which is my pleasure membership where twice a month you get an amazing practice that teaches you how to drop into your body, to become more connected to yourself, and to learn the art of sacred self-care. So, if this is something you're interested in, go to www.amandatesta.com/tpf (as in The Pleasure Foundation) and we will see you there!

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Amanda Testa: Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast.

1:02

I am your host, Amanda Testa, and if you are curious to explore how creativity can liberate your feminine genius, you're gonna love today’s episode. Today, I’m talking with the luminous Kimothy Joy. She’s an artist, an author, an activist, and speaker devoted to celebrating and liberating feminine genius. She creates illustrations made with joy to spark social change, inspiring thought and action, as well as she has an amazing journaling practice that she’s cultivated and created called Focus Pocus, and she has a new journal coming out. So many amazing things that she’s up to in the world, and I’m so excited to talk with you today, Kimothy! Thank you for being here.

Kimothy Joy: Thank you, Amanda! Thank you for the beautiful introduction. It’s so fun to be here with you. I’ve been looking forward to this.

Amanda Testa: Yes, and for those listening who are learning about you and all the magic that you're doing in the world. I’d love if you would share a little bit about your story of what led you to be so passionate about creativity and the work that you do.

Kimothy Joy: Hmm, yeah, I can try to paraphrase. [Laugh] Let’s see. Where do we begin?

Amanda Testa: Right? It’s a long journey, but you can shorten it.

2:05

Kimothy Joy: “Tell me about your life. How’d you get here?” Oh, man, okay.

Amanda Testa: Yeah!

Kimothy Joy: Well, yeah, it’s been quite the journey. It’s been very personal, and I’m definitely one of those people where I feel called to share what helps me, and I just get excited about it. When something works and clicks and it is so transformative, I’m like, “Oh, I can't wait to tell a friend. I can't wait to put it out there.” So, that’s been -- it’s just who I am, and I would say that, as a kid, I was always really creatively expressive, as most of us are. We’re really uninhibited and just say what we mean and say what we need. And I know not all situations are like that, but usually we were pretty expressive, and I was that kid. I was always drawing and dancing and singing and painting. Since I was a toddler, there are photos of me just on the floor with all my art stuff, getting lost in my imagination and in books. So, I think what we love to do in childhood is such a powerful indicator of where we can start to explore our creative expression in adulthood and look at where we might be blocked. So, that’s pretty much been my path in a nutshell.

3:14

Yeah, I was really creative, and then I think just slowly into adolescence, and as I aged, as it tends to happen, especially in our Western culture, we’re layered with so many mixed messages and conditioning and programming and all of that from church, school. It comes in all directions, especially as women, right? And so, as that happened, I think that I started to shapeshift and contort and be less and less of myself, probably starting in high school, middle school, that age, and it’s so common. And then I got to a point, there were just some major life events that felt like crises, you know? When I was in my twenties, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in my early twenties, and that was a really obviously difficult and transformative chapter in my life, right?

4:05

And I also got married around that same time. And so, there were these big events that served as catalysts and really rocked my world. She ended up passing away when I was 25. But in those moments when those events occurred, I just had this epiphany. I think I was about 27, still grieving her death. I was married at that point, and I had this realization that I didn't know who I was. I felt so lost, and I hear this story from so many women, you know? In adulthood and of all ages, too. It doesn't even matter. But that happened, for me, at around 27, and I was like, “I don't even know if I want to be married. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I like. What is this all about? Who have I been living for? My mom’s gone,” and I actually realized I was living a lot of her dreams and goals and there was some codependency there to untangle.

5:01

But it was such a painful realization and a sense of emptiness, and I had to change my world. I just felt like I was crawling out of my skin. I got a divorce, changed up my career, went through a season of pretty self-destructive behaviors and vices, and, for a few years, just exploring and trying to discover who I was. But I didn't know how to do that in a healthy way.

I’m 38 now, for context, but in my early thirties, it started changing and shifting and art helped me shift, and returning to a daily creative practice, and it’s not like I planned this out. It just happened because nothing else felt good like drinking, going out, being in different relationships. Nothing else seemed to satisfy that yearning, and I started watercolor painting every single day. It was just a daily practice. Around 30 after a breakup, and I started doing it with friends, and I did it solo, and I just sat down, and it was my devotional practice just because it felt so good. My soul needed it, and I felt like, “Oh, there I am! I’m returning. That young girl. Things feel possible again. I can hear my inner thoughts, my truths, what I like.” It was just so beautiful.

6:20

So, that was when -- I would say tactile creativity, like creating with my hands, because before that I did graphic design and photography and more business-oriented creativity, but it just felt so good just to work with my hands again and put a paintbrush to paper and just play without any desired outcome, just for the sheer enjoyment and the pleasure which is your world, Amanda - pleasure. So, I’ve also been on this reclamation of, “Ooh, what feels good? What brings me pleasure and joy?” And so, yeah, the daily painting practice opened my back up, and since then, the last few years, it’s turned into more of a mindfulness practice.

7:01

I’ve been kind of broadening my devotional practice, and journaling has been such a big part of that, as well as painting, and then a huge component of my, I would say, feminine awakening and return home to myself was also studying the lives of other women and researching, giving myself a re-education of women’s HERstory, like the stuff I never learned in school. That was a huge part of my daily practice. I would paint their words, their portraits. I was reading so many books. I was spending time alone, and it turned into a portrait series of a bunch of women throughout history (I like to say HERstory), and the world, and it brought me back to life because I saw myself in them and their stories. I saw their genius, and then I could see my own. They were mirrors for me, and then that turned into a book in a very synchronistic, aligned way, which is how I know when I’m in the divine flow, and I started also realizing how magical the world can be when you are in that sweet spot in your feminine intelligence and surrendering to it and showing up for it. I got a book agent, and my work took off online, and I was like, “Really? Okay! Okay, people are really feeling something here.”

8:09

But I realized it was because I was feeling so much when I was making the art, you know? I was like crying, and sometimes I would have whiskey, and I was just doing my thing. It was a whole ritual, and I know people could feel that, and I had such a, ahh, like a deep reverence and adoration for all these women I got to learn about. It was so beautiful.

And so, that became my first book which was published in 2018 by Harper Wave called That’s What She Said: Wise Words from Influential Women, and it’s 50 watercolor portraits of women and a short bio and just enough to make you want to just deep dive into their memoirs and biographies and all of that cheesiness. So, that study of our true HERstory is also a big part of my passion and my work.

Amanda Testa: I love that so much. First of all, I just want to thank you for sharing your journey. I know that’s an abbreviated version, but still. Just through all you’ve been through. I’m sorry for losing your mom at such an early age. That’s so challenging, and my dad died of early onset Alzheimer’s, so I can relate to how hard it is to lose a parent when you're young. And also that feeling of the time comes in life where you’ve done all the things you're supposed to do, and you're like, “What the hell am I doing this for?”

Kimothy Joy: [Laughs]

Amanda Testa: Because I don't even know if I’m happy. I don't know what I’m doing. I think so many women experience that, and that’s why I think it’s so important to talk about because you're not alone if that’s you. It’s so common, you know, because we just follow all these rules that are put in place in us from our culture, and it’s not, oftentimes, allowing us to be who we really are and express who we really are, and I love how -- I just think that, too, just being inspired by other amazing humans and their stories and how you needing to take from someone when you weren't there, and you can find all this inspiration and the HERstory and using that to inspire others, it just gives me chills to think about that web of connection. It really does.

10:04

Kimothy Joy: Mm-hmm. It’s so amazing!

Amanda Testa: I love that.

Kimothy Joy: Yeah, let’s give gratitude. Woo!

Amanda Testa: Yes!

Kimothy Joy: Well, yeah, it’s because we are so interconnected and we are sacred mirrors for one another, and when someone rises into their genius and their potential and overcomes so much, that journey, you know, we see ourselves in that, and it motivates us. It’s like hydration for our soul. We’re like, “Oh, my gosh! If that was possible for her against all odds,” and she found her truth, you know, she was able to not be swayed by external influences and oppression -- there’s so much that the women in my book face, but, yeah, it just revived me. I was like, “Oh, my gosh! Okay, what’s possible for me in my life, then, if I really tap into my power, my potential, and believe in myself? What could happen here?”

So, it happened in parallel. The journey of painting and writing and sharing their stories, I felt my own power rising with my creative expression, and I have, yeah, like all those women to thank and the women around me, too (friends and peers). I’m just like, “Whoa, what is possible for us?” So…

11:13

Amanda Testa: Yeah, and I love, too, (you know, you mentioned this earlier) that you're basically just sharing what’s working for you and how it’s so resonant to those around you are the people who are finding you online or wherever the places are, are finding your books and just kind of how I think that’s another powerful thing that we get to do is we get to share what supports us so that others can benefit. And I also love that, you know, you mentioned your daily art practice and creativity, and how it’s been such a path to lead you back to yourself.

And so, I’m wondering if you are open to sharing a little bit more about your journals and kind of what led you to create Focus Pocus.

Kimothy Joy: Yeah.

Amanda Testa: -- the whole system.

Kimothy Joy: Thank you.

Amanda Testa: I love that name. It’s so good.

Kimothy Joy: Oh, just like -- ah, I love it, too. It’s so playful because it’s like I feel like I have been on this more spiritual quest in the last few years, and, for me, it just feels good to return to that childlike innocence, and it doesn't have to be so serious and heavy.

12:13

Although, real stuff comes up, right? It's not like a bypassing but when you can bring levity to it and grace and a little play, it just makes it easier to navigate and heal and enjoy the process. It doesn't have to be this serious thing all the time.

So, that name just captured it. The whole series kind of looks like my doodles from middle school, and I love that that’s just what came out and felt true. It’s just so playful. So, yeah, I have this journal that’s coming out next week actually which is why I was like, “I get to talk to you right before it comes out!” Yeah, the Focus Pocus 90-day guided journal comes out on Tuesday, March 7th, and it’ll be on Amazon and wherever books are sold, and I’m so excited about that.

13:00

So, that’s the deep-dive journal. That is essentially my daily journaling practice that I’ve been doing for years, and it’s so cool to be able to share that with everybody. I also have a weekly planner that has a mindfulness intention check in and then a day-to-day calendar and some other things. But yes, this daily journaling practice began when I think I just had my daughter, Luca. So, that was in 2018 when my book came out. I had Luca, like, two weeks later. It was wild. A book baby, and my one and only daughter, my child arrived, and just such a whirlwind. So much joy and intensity and all of it, entering motherhood, and it was really hard, that transition, becoming a mom. And I had to have some type of anchor because the daily painting practice just felt like didn't fit into my schedule as easily as before. You know, I didn't have hours to just get lost in painting. It just didn't work where I could get up at nine or ten or whenever and start painting and devote myself to that.

14:06

So, things shifted, and so, I developed this practice that became that anchor for me and that constant in that way to check in, and it was so grounding and so amazing, and it also became a little bit of experimenting with reality and my consciousness and intentions and how powerful my focus is, and I would just play with that, too.

So, the daily practice takes about 15/20 minutes. You know, sometimes I go really slow. It’s just go at your own pace, but it’s a series of about, I think, ten journaling prompts. Yeah, it was years of just fine-tuning these prompts based on a lot of tried-and-true mindfulness techniques that I explored on my own, but I feel like I distilled the heavy hitters that I knew positive psychology validated (you know, the heavy hitters like gratitude). You know, name your gratitude, bless your blessings every day, and that’ll shift your mindset.

15:07

So, things like that, I was like, “I need structure. I don't want to just sit down and do freeform journaling. I need something that lets me check in and focus on the good right now because being a mom’s really intense.”

And so, I designed it to really be this grounding structure that gives a little more framework, and I like to settle into that. It feels really good, and then it also allows me to dip into all these techniques like gratitude. There’s self-love in there because I really wanted to practice that. There’s body appreciation. In this journey, I’ve realized how disembodied we’ve become or have been. I think we’re returning to that state of embodiment and working on our healing and trauma, but I wanted to just reconnect with my body in a new way. And then there’s also a prompt about reframing thoughts and naming what is, like oh, just attunement to my needs. “Oh, I’m a hot mess today. Okay, great. Okay, but maybe I need to rest. Maybe I need some water, a nap,” you know?

16:04

It’s just these things that I wasn’t attuning to myself for so many years. So yeah, it’s those little check-ins like that, and then there’s also, we get into, on the second portion of the journaling, manifesting and kind of listening into the deeper desires, like, “Okay, where am I being guided and called to? What’s wanting to come through, through me?” I believe we’re in this co-creative dance with the universe or a higher power, a higher self, whatever you want to call it. But it’s not all about manifesting in a vacuum and law of attraction, “I’m gonna get this car,” or whatever. That’s great. Things are great. Material possessions are fine.

But for me, the journal is about listening to that higher power and an inner power and being in that dance of just knowing where we’re being called to and knowing our desires. So, that’s in there, and there’s a visualization technique because then you can kind of drop into the feeling of it, like, “Okay, I’m being called to have more adventure and fun and play.”

17:05

Usually, when I say manifesting, I’m really thinking about a feeling I want to experience, an emotion like, “I just need adventure and play,” so then I visualize that. And then the practice ends with writing out an intention for the day (a focus), and taking one inspired action. So, it just felt like a way to claim time for myself, then form my needs, and to know how I’m feeling, what I want, where I’m going. Take one small step, and, yeah, I’ve been doing it for years, and so much cool stuff has happened from it. It’s so fun because, ultimately, it is reality testing and playing with our focus and how the world responds to that, how other people respond to where we’re at, what we’re focused on.

Amanda Testa: That’s so true. Oh, my goodness.

Kimothy Joy: It’s such a long explanation, Amanda. Sorry!

Amanda Testa: No, but I think it’s important because you’ve got a lot of big things in there, and I think just making that time for yourself (that anchor time for yourself) is so key, right?

18:03

Because we, so often, are just floating through life, not paying any attention. We’re so disconnected from ourselves. And so, when you can have that time to drop in, it is so key. And I think the great thing about having a journal like yours is because I know for myself, I’ve gone through phases where I love journaling, I hate journaling, I don't want to do it, I do want to do it. So, it’s really nice when you can sit down and have a guided practice, right? So, you just show up and answer the questions to the best of your ability that day. And sometimes things are gonna flow, and sometimes you might have one-word answers, and you did it, and you can just pat yourself on the back, right?

Kimothy Joy: Exactly. Exactly.

Amanda Testa: But I think it’s so helpful. I think it can be such a great tool for people that want something but are like, “Ugh, I just don't even know what to write,” or, “I don't like my own handwriting,” or whatever it is, right? Just coming up with a fun way to make it doable.

Kimothy Joy: Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And it is really, for me -- my intention for making it, well, you know, it worked for me, and so, I had to share. I mean, it more than worked, right? it was transformative, and I was like, “I have to get this out there and share it with more people.”

19:01

But my intention is to -- it’s an offering to help people return to themselves and to feel connected, ultimately, and I do think a lot of our suffering in the world and pain and anxiety and mental health stuff comes from just this feeling of deep disconnection from our true selves and one another and the earth and a higher power, you know? So I’m like it’s all about connection and carving out that time, and we’re infiltrated with so much noise and distraction, and we really need to be intentional about taking our focus back, you know? I don't like to jump on my phone and social media first thing in the morning. There are all these practices that I’ve realized really affect my mental state and my mood, and this is the tool that can be a guide if you're looking for that. Yeah, I want to reclaim a little bit of your focus and attention even if it’s for 20 minutes that you could go scroll on Instagram. [Laughs]

Amanda Testa: Right. I mean, twenty minutes is huge, right?

Kimothy Joy: Right.

Amanda Testa: Five minutes is huge. Whatever you have. Just giving --

Kimothy Joy: -- five minutes!

Amanda Testa: -- yourself that, and I think like you say, too, especially for people that are really busy or parents, it can be really hard.

20:13

My kiddo’s older now. So, they're ten which is great because they're a little more understanding of boundaries because I remember when she was really little, I’d always be like, “Well, I’m gonna get up early,” and then their internal alarm goes off. They're like, “Oh, mom’s up, and I need to get up!”

Kimothy Joy: [Laughs] Exactly.

Amanda Testa: And all the things, right? So, it can be hard. So, it’s finding those little moments because, yeah, I mean, I think after my daughter was born as well, having the huge just like, “What the hell is happening?” It’s such a huge transition. Most of us are not prepared.

Kimothy Joy: No.

Amanda Testa: Let’s just say.

Kimothy Joy: Yeah. [Laughs]

Amanda Testa: And just, like, what to expect and how big of a transition it is, right? So, finding those little ways to really stay connected to yourself are like life blood.

Kimothy Joy: Yes, I know. When you were talking, I just imagine myself on the choppy seas in an ocean of motherhood. It was like a life raft, like, “Who am I? It’s shifting! My identity’s shifting through this whole journey of motherhood”

21:09

But, you know, those little anchors, those check-ins, those practices are everything.

Amanda Testa: Because you shared some of the amazing things that have happened. Are you open to sharing maybe a couple of stories?

Kimothy Joy: I would love to. I’ll share two that come to mind. The actual journal calendar all about the series Focus Pocus -- when I first began, I did it in a notepad, experimenting with all these prompts and seeing how I felt in my body, like, you know, okay, if I was in anxiety, I’d shift into a state of gratitude, and then I’d kind of empty out how I’m feeling. So, there’s a process of clearing, and then once I felt clear and steady and peaceful, then I would get into, like, ooh, creation mode, like, “Okay, I cleared some space out, got it all out on the page. Now, what do I want to invite in to kind of replace that --,” not replace that but open up to. So, I look at it as clearing is the first part and then creating is the second part. But I would do that in a notebook.

22:08

And then I pitched it to my publisher. I was like, “Hey, I’m doing this practice, and it’s so rich and helpful,” and that’s not something they do, so I just started printing these tear-away notepads, like with a printer I got, just a big bulk order just to try it out and gave them out to all my friends and was selling them online in my shop. And so, I got it out there. I was like, “Okay, I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna make it. I’m gonna share this in my own way even if I can't get a publisher to do it.” So, I did that. I took the inspired action, right? And as I was doing the daily focus, I kept focusing and intending on getting this out to the broader public as a published piece, as whatever it wanted to be. I wasn't very specific, but I did see the cover, which I’m so visual! I can see the book cover before it happens, and I kept seeing what it would look like (like visualizing that when it was in its final published form and when it was in bookstores), and this is so cool.

23:08

And I didn't cling to it, that I was like, “Oh, this would be so fun.” I was really playful and loose with it which is the best type of manifesting energy. You don't want to be too clingy. You're like, “Ooh, that’d be fun,” and don't micromanage the universe, you know? Let it come in if it’s aligned and if it’s meant for you, but it was always coming up for me. I was like I really want to get this out.

So, I got an email from this other publisher who I’d never worked with (Andrews McMeel) out of the blue, maybe two years ago, and they were like, “Hey, we saw this Focus Pocus notepad in your shop. We found your work on Instagram. I’m a senior editor at Andrews McMeel. We’re one of the largest calendar/journal publishers and distributors, and we’d love to talk to you. Have you thought about publishing this as a series?” And I was like, “Yes, I’ve been looking for you!” I didn't know who to email. I didn't know who to contact. I didn't have any connections, and it landed in my inbox.

24:01

It was their idea, and the collaboration was just so wonderful. They saw the vision right away, approached me about it, and the way that it unfolded was just like, “Boom!” God wink or goddess wink. I was like, “Okay, all right, so this is one of the most fun manifestations in my hands.” Just how this came to be, and it wasn't me forcing or trying to make it happen, which I think is that indicator that you're in that feminine intelligence and you're letting things flow and come to you. You're just making space for it and being in that day-dreamy state, and doing what you can but not overextending yourself, and feeling worthy of it, and that’s what starts to come in if it’s meant for you. So, it just felt so juicy, and it’s so fun, and yeah. Amazing how that happened.

Another thing that happens and will come up from time to time is someone will reflect back to me the intention I wrote out that day, and they don't even know because I don't share my journal or wasn't sharing the notepad, but I would have a friend -- there was one time my focus for the day was, “Everything I do turns to gold.”

25:13

I was really like, “Okay, you've got this! It always works out. Believe in yourself,” and that was my focus I wrote out. And she repeated it verbatim for me that day. She was giving me a pep talk, my dear friend Sue (shoutout to Sue). She said, “Kimothy, everything you do turns to gold. Trust yourself. You've got this. If you're coming from the heart, you can't get it wrong. Everything you do turns to gold,” and I was like, “Sue. Did you know I’m looking at my journal here, and this is exactly what I wrote.”

Amanda Testa: Oh, that’s awesome.

Kimothy Joy: And then you're over here reflecting to me, and it’s not like she says that all the time, so we were just laughing. We were just so, ah, delighted by that. And so, that kind of synchronicity starts to come up again and again in little ways, not exactly like that, but it’s happening for people who’ve been using it as well, and I love those stories. I think, for me, it just affirms and validates that our dreams and desires are being heard. We’re being listened to. We are supported.

26:10

We are guided and that we can trust ourselves, we can trust the universe, when we’re coming from our truth and our heart, maybe not the mental ego trying to make things happen, which is a struggle. It’s hard --

Amanda Testa: Right, right.

Kimothy Joy: -- to shift into the heart space and let things flow, but that’s where the magic’s at. It’s real.

Amanda Testa: Ah, that’s amazing. I love that so much because, you know, I think just even hearing that message that you can trust yourself is so hard for so many. And so, having those reminders or just getting those little encouragements, like, “Yes, you can,” and having the evidence to support that, right? That is so huge.

Kimothy Joy: Yeah, it is, and it’s a practice. It’s like working on a muscle, and I think that’s what journaling or any kind of mindfulness ritual will do. When you're sitting with yourself, and you're observing what’s happening, and you're understanding the power of your focus and your intention, and then the action. You have to show up for it, obviously, and take steps in that direction, but you start to realize how powerful you really are.

Amanda Testa: Yeah. It’s so true. I mean --

Kimothy Joy: Yeah.

27:14

Amanda Testa: -- I’m always blown away because I think -- with me, it’s always the practice of pleasure, which is encompassing a lot of different things, right?

Kimothy Joy: Yeah.

Amanda Testa: But it’s like having that consistent practice is the key. It’s like showing up for it on the regular because that’s the beautiful thing about a practice. It’s gonna look different everyday no matter what it is you're doing.

Kimothy Joy: Right.

Amanda Testa: If it’s art, if it’s journaling, whatever it is, it’s just showing up for it and making that commitment with yourself because over time that does help to build your self-trust because you are showing up for yourself.

Kimothy Joy: Yeah, you're like, “I am that worthy that I am worth taking the time, maybe first thing in the morning, telling everybody, “This is my sacred ritual, my time for myself,” and it does build that confidence and that self-love and respect.

28:03

It’s like a respect, and it’s also like, “Wow, I’m that type of person that makes that time for myself. Oh, wow. I do put my needs, my priorities, my desires, my pleasure first. It’s a priority for me,” and that changes the relationship with Self. You're like, “Oh, who do I think I am? Yeah! Yeah! Who am I?” [Laughs]

Amanda Testa: Yeah! I feel, too, the people around you do start to honor that when you honor it.

Kimothy Joy: Right. Mm-hmm.

Amanda Testa: Right? Because it is hard to set boundaries with kids or family or whoever’s around, but you just have to be unapologetic about it sometimes, and it’s not like you need all the time in the world, right? You can let your kid -- set up a little play something for them or maybe let them watch a show. Whatever it is. Whatever you have to do to get the little bit of time that you need so that you can feel like a better version of you, so you can face all the challenges with a little more presence, right?

Kimothy Joy: Yeah, it is like a conditioning and a training for yourself and for other people, and, you know, it can be bumpy, and people can not appreciate your boundaries. It could be triggering for them, but it is a practice, and then I think people around you start to realize how much it fills you up and how much it brings to you, and then that affects them. And then they're like, “Okay, great. Yeah, you take your time because you're a better person when you have your time.” [Laughs]

29:16

Amanda Testa: Ah, well, I’m wondering, too, if there’s any -- I feel like I could just keep talking to you forever because I just love the wisdom that’s bubbling up, but I’m wondering, too, if there was maybe a question that I didn't ask or maybe another topic that you just want to touch on or share about while we still -- yeah.

Kimothy Joy: Oh, I would love to. So, I just finished my second book baby. So, I have the journal series, calendars. Those are with a different publisher, so the first book, That’s What She Said, I mentioned, that was out in 2018. And so, 2023, here we are! I finished my second book. It took several years. [Laughs] I finished it in January. Yeah, just a month ago about.

Amanda Testa: Congratulations!

30:00

Kimothy Joy: And I’m so excited! Thank you. It’s out in November. They sped up the production process because the whole team at Harper Wave was like, “We need to get this out ASAP, like right away. This book is so right on time.” And it’s called Extraordinary Wing Women: True Stories of Life-Altering, World-Changing Sisterhood, and this is like a huge chapter for me of the last, probably, five years, I think, since becoming a mother. Having a beautiful mother’s blessing, having so many kind, genuinely supportive women swoop in and help me navigate motherhood, it just cracked me open to the way I’m in relationship, not only with myself, but with other women. So, that’s opened up a whole new realm and became this book and has been a major reclamation of my life, too. Just restoring my relationship with other women and healing. There are so many wounds there I had to navigate with the death of my mom and our complicated relationship -- beautiful and complicated, as they tend to be.

31:03

But the power of sisterhood is real, and it’s such a part of our story and our healing and where we’re going, and I’m seeing it happen everywhere. You know, I’m involved in so many different women’s circles here in Maine and online, and I have been, and I’m seeing them happen all over, and it’s like people are hearing the call to come together again. So, it’s to not only connect with ourselves but also one another. To tap into that feminine intelligence within ourselves, to heal, to rise together in our power because we’re mirrors for one another, and we need each other. I need my friend Sue reminding me, “Everything you do turns to gold.” That mirroring and support is everything, and I wouldn't have been able to do what I’ve done without those women in my life. And so, I’m celebrating it and writing about it. I can't wait for the book to come out. It was such a fun journey to deep dive into these stories. Many of them I’ve never heard before, and they're just astounding and so inspiring and moving, and I just hope that they are added fuel to this movement of women coming together --

Amanda Testa: Yes!

Kimothy Joy: -- and realizing that it’s safe to do that and to lean on one another.

32:14

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Kimothy Joy: Not to compete, you know? All those things that we might have been taught when we were younger.

Amanda Testa: Yes. I love that so much.

Kimothy Joy: Yeah.

Amanda Testa: It’s the collaboration and the support. It’s so huge. And, like you say, there’s a journey there sometimes, right? We have a lot of shadow around relationships with other women or sisterhood or siblinghood or whatever. It can be so hard. But it’s so worth it to do the work around it because, on the other side, it’s amazing.

Kimothy Joy: It’s amazing. It feels like a part of Self that we come home to.

Amanda Testa: Yes!

Kimothy Joy: You know? It’s wonderful, and it makes life way more fun and easy and enjoyable when you cultivate that rich sisterhood, that circle.

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Kimothy Joy: And it’s not easy. It’s a journey. There’s a lot of stuff to navigate and move through, and that came up in the writing of the book and in my own personal journey, and it’s so, so worthwhile. So worthwhile.

33:08

Amanda Testa: Because even, like you say, it can be easy to, I think (and I hear this from people a lot, too) it can be easy to just see things out there on social media or whatever and just assume, “Oh, this person has the best life,” or, “Oh, who am I when everybody’s doing this?” But it’s really realizing that we are all connected in some way, and so, when you can see someone and maybe noticing triggering things come up, it’s kind of just noticing what is it about that person that’s triggering me? What is it about it that’s making me feel jealous or angry or whatever it is, envious, whatever it is. And then you can kind of notice what is that quality and feel into what about myself am I maybe lacking in that quality or how can I invite more of that into myself? Or maybe saying, “You know what? If they have it, I have the capability to have it, too, so what do I want to do?” I think, oftentimes, when there are people that are maybe intimidating to you, it’s always a great thing to reach out to them. I mean, I can't even tell you how many amazing friends I’ve made because I’m like, “Hmm, I need to figure out why I’m feeling whatever this is about this person,” and then we become best friends.

34:13

Kimothy Joy: That’s so great!

Amanda Testa: Right?

Kimothy Joy: I love that pivot. Yeah! I mean, it’s such great self-awareness in just being able to step back and be like, “Okay, I’m feeling these emotions. Oh, wow.” You know, for the longest time, I felt this kind of strong aversion to women who were really bold and outspoken. I can remember when I was younger because I wanted that, and I didn't feel like I could say how I felt. I was pretending and hiding, and looking back, I realize I was always just like, “Ugh, she’s so annoying! Who does she think she is? But she seems so free, those girls.” I was like, “They're so free in their expression!” Now I get why I felt that way, but you're so right. Those can be cues to show us where maybe we’re blocked in some way, where we can be a little more free.

35:00

Also, I was gonna say with sexual expression, women who are really in their sensuality and their sensual expression, I felt that way when I was younger, too, like, ahh, such an aversion. And I can see now that I just desperately wanted to express that part of myself in a healthy way, and I didn't know how, and I’m still figuring that part out, too. [Laughs]

Amanda Testa: Yes.

Kimothy Joy: But now I’m not jealous about it. I’m like, “Oh, you do you! I love that. That scares the shit out of me, but I love you for that. That expression is great!” [Laughs]

Amanda Testa: Yes! Well, I mean, and I think, too, because we have so much internalized misogyny and all the things that we’ve been taught: “That’s not how a good girl behaves,” or, “That’s not what a good woman does.” And so, the rule-following parts of us are like, “Well, that person’s not following the rules, and then you're like, “But that’s kind of a feeling that I want,” or whatever it is, however it comes out. It’s so true, right?

Kimothy Joy: Yeah, absolutely.

Amanda Testa: Oh, man. And I think, too, it helps you to have compassion for your own experience and everyone else because we’re all in the same waters of the culture that we’re in. And so, it’s like how do we navigate it and try to make it better?

36:12

Kimothy Joy: Yeah.

Amanda Testa: Right?

Kimothy Joy: Yeah. Yeah.

Amanda Testa: And teach the next generation something different.

Kimothy Joy: Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Well, we live it, and we do our best, you know --

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Kimothy Joy: -- to model it with one another, and I think connect and gather in more authentic vulnerable ways to make it safe to say how we feel and express ourselves and not pretend and not feel separated and in competition. I think that’s the step. The next step is gathering and having these conversations. Your podcast, this is the work. Yeah, this is it. Having the dialogues.

Amanda Testa: And the practices to come back to yourself so you can rejuvenate to step out again and find the people doing the good work that you can collaborate with and all of those things.

Kimothy Joy: Yes, yes.

Amanda Testa: Yay!

Kimothy Joy: All of it. [Laughs]

37:03

Amanda Testa: Well, I’m wondering -- those people listening who want to connect with you more, how can they connect with you? What offerings do you have going on that you can connect with people through? Just share a little bit more about how people can connect with you.

Kimothy Joy: Yeah, sure. So, they can connect with me on my website. Most of my info is there, and that’s www.kimothyjoy.com. And then I also share most of my artwork or contemplations, musings, play, all of that, over on Instagram @kimothy.joy. That’s my handle. And then, yeah, current offerings right now, I’m in just Focus Pocus mode, and I’m excited about the journal coming out March 7th, and I’m really excited about facilitating an online journaling community that starts March 20th. So, if you want to grab a journal, and you don't want to do it alone -- I mean, it is a very individual, inward practice, but if you want some accountability buddies and gentle encouragement, and you want a group setting on every moon, we’re gonna be doing moon ritual calls.

38:13

It’s not going to be like an intense commitment. That’s the last thing I want to do is add more emails to your inbox or more calls to your schedule. So, my friend Britt (Britt’s co-facilitating it), we’ve been really mindful about how we structure this container. I think it’s just enough to give people a boost to where they feel really supported in the 90-day container, and they can make the most of it, and they can get excited, and when bumps in the road come up, I feel like I’ve been through so many of those, and I have collected/gleaned insights on how to navigate those when you are doing deep reflection every day, so those insights will be shared in a weekly email for the 90 days, just every Monday, like a short little insight to provide a little energy boost of encouragement. And then, yeah, the moon calls are gonna be so potent.

39:01

We’ll do meditation and a guided journaling practice together, and you can just drop in for an hour, make that time for yourself. It’s every new moon, every full moon, for three months, and just we’re going all in for our dreams and desires and saying yes to ourselves and coming back home to ourselves, and we’re gonna do it together.

Amanda Testa: I love that! That’s so awesome.

Kimothy Joy: So, sign up for the mailing list if you want info on that! I’m still building that out as we speak. [Laughs]

Amanda Testa: Yes, will that be on your website when it’s ready?

Kimothy Joy: Yeah. Yes, it will be on the website when I’m ready. When it’s ready, I’ll send out an update. So, just sign up to the mailing list www.kimothyjoy.com, and I’ll send out an email!

Amanda Testa: Yay! Well, I’m so excited for you and all of this beautiful work that you're creating, and thank you for inspiring me. I love the beauty of all of the things that you put out, too. It’s funny. I just realized when I was looking through your website, and I was familiar with the book, but I was like you know what I realized is that years ago, I bought one of these pictures at Perfect Petal for a friend.

40:01

Kimothy Joy: Oh, you did?

Amanda Testa: I thought, “Well, wait a minute! That was Kimothy!”

Kimothy Joy: Yeah!

Amanda Testa: I was like, “This is a full-circle moment!” I love it. That’s so cool.

Kimothy Joy: I love those moments. That is so cool. I love Perfect Petal, that shop in Denver. Oh, my gosh. They were so supportive in the beginning. I love them. That’s so great.

Amanda Testa: So good. Well, thank you so much for being here. I will share, for everyone listening, in the show notes where you can connect with Kimothy and get the journal and join in for the 90-day journaling community, and, yes, thank you again and appreciate you.

Kimothy Joy: Thank you so much, Amanda. I appreciate you and all the work you do and who you are and thank you. I feel honored to share. Thanks for letting me go all out --

Amanda Testa: Of course!

Kimothy Joy: -- and share everything today. It felt really good.

Amanda Testa: Yeah. Thank you to all of you listening, and maybe just tuning into what was one gem that you received from this episode and just letting that simmer on your heart. Thank you for tuning in.

Kimothy Joy: Thank you!

Amanda Testa: Maybe sharing with a friend that you think would love it as well. All right, we will see you again soon.

_______

41:01

Thank you for listening to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast! If you loved this episode, please go ahead and forward it right now to someone who you know would love it, and if you’ve not yet had a chance to leave us a rave review on Apple Podcasts, please make sure you rate and review if you enjoyed the podcast as well as make sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Thanks for listening, and we’ll see you next week!

[Fun, Empowering Music]

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TÂMARA CASTELO is a specialist in Chinese Traditional Medicine and the CEO of Tâmara Castelo Clinic (Lisbon and Porto), TMC Health, TMC Holistic and TMC Jewellery. At her clinic, Tâmara treats sleep disorders, thyroid disorders, intestine diseases, anxiety, migraines, and hormonal problems, and takes a holistic approach to healing. She is the author of Healing Without Medicine, Eating Without Guilt, and Full Balance—all winners of Gourmand awards. She lives in Lisbon.

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EPISODE 255: Tâmara Castelo


[Fun, Empowering Music]

Amanda Testa: Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a sex, love, and relationship coach, and in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex, love, and relationships, and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome!

_______

Hey, what’s up? It’s Amanda! If you're enjoying this pod, and you know you are ready to say yes to more pleasure, and you are just wanting to know, “How the hell do I do it,” well, you are in luck because as of now, we have spots available in The Pleasure Foundation which is my pleasure membership where twice a month you get an amazing practice that teaches you how to tap into your body, to become more connected to yourself, and to learn the art of sacred self-care. So, if this is something you're interested in, go to www.amandatesta.com/tpf (as in The Pleasure Foundation) and we will see you there!

_______

Have you ever noticed how even performing the smallest, little routine tasks, rituals, if you will, (you know I love rituals) can have a ripple effect --

1:09

Tâmara Castelo: Me too!

Amanda Testa: -- that is the result of big transformation? I am excited for today’s podcast because if you know me and have been listening to the pod, you know how much I preach about the power of rituals, and I love that combination of simple plus doable for lasting results, and today on the pod, I have a very special guest, and she actually has written numerous books. The most recent book being on rituals. So, I’m talking today with Tâmara Castelo, a specialist in Chinese Traditional Medicine. She not only works with patients in person, but she also treats a lot of things like sleep disorders, thyroid issues, anxiety, migraines, all the things, very holistically, and she’s written numerous books, but her newest book is called The Power of Rituals, and I’m so excited to talk with her today. So, welcome, welcome! Thank you so much.

Tâmara Castelo: Thank you! Thanks for having me.

Amanda Testa: Yes, and I’d love it if you wouldn't mind just sharing a little bit about kind of what excites you the most about the work that you do.

2:04

Tâmara Castelo: Oh, boy, that’s a big question! Everything excites me about the work I do. [Laughs]

Amanda Testa: [Laughs]

Tâmara Castelo: I love my work. I have the pleasure and the honor of directing a big, big team. We are 30 these days, so I’m really proud. I have two clinics in Portugal. We do a really good job (I think, I hope) with a holistic practice. Not only we treat patients, and we treat their life in a way, changing their habits, their eating habits, their sleeping habits, their everyday habits (or rituals, as you can call it). So yeah, the thing that I love most about my job is the transformation that occurs in the person. For me, it’s the most rewarding thing in the world because you can make a change and you can see it. So, it’s beautiful.

Amanda Testa: I love that, and I also so appreciate the holistic approach that you have.

Tâmara Castelo: Thank you.

2:59

Amanda Testa: Because from what I’ve read about and just even digesting a little bit of your book, it’s really encompassing everything because, really, when we’re trying to make a change in one area, often, there are numerous things attached to that.

Tâmara Castelo: It’s impossible! Sometimes the people say to me, “But everything is connected,” and I say, “Yes, I’m sorry!” [Laughs] Everything is connected. You have to do it all - the sleep, the food, your mind, your body. You are together with you and the world. So…

Amanda Testa: Yes.

Tâmara Castelo: We have to catch it all.

Amanda Testa: And I think one of the things that I would love if you would share a little bit more just from your own perspective, you know, kind of on your relationship with ritual and what has led you to be so passionate about helping other people adopt simple rituals.

Tâmara Castelo: I think it’s anxiety. I was really, really anxious when I was a little girl. For me, it was terrible. Being a child was really a nightmare to me. So, I was really anxious. Then I found out I have a thyroid disease, so I was anxious for a reason. [Laughs]

4:03

So, I was like 18 when I found out, but it’s been 10 years since that year -- since I was 8 years old until my 18th birthday. I was really anxious all the time, and the little things make me feel more grounded, like my grandmother was perfect to do that. She’d light a candle, breathe with me, she’d put the hands on my shoulders for me to chill, and little things that make me feel in my own kin. I don't know if you ever felt, severely, anxiety.

Amanda Testa: Yes.

Tâmara Castelo: But it’s really helpful, and I think my connection to ritual began there. And so, it was really, really at a young age because I wasn't feeling good, and I had a lot of sleep disorders, and these little things like she gives me something to smell. At that point it was 30 years ago. Essential oils of lavender, and then I smell that, and she put it on my pillow, and that helped, you know?

5:09

It really helped, and for me, it was the connection that I lacked, and then that connection allowed me to be really more grounded, more breathing, more in, and the anxiety got better. So, yeah, rituals for me are that connection with yourself and with the world. Those little things that keep you here.

Amanda Testa: I love that because it’s very easy to not be here, and like you say --

Tâmara Castelo: Oh, yeah.

Amanda Testa: -- especially in just the busy lives so many of us lead, they’re so full of stress and urgency and rush. Yeah.

Tâmara Castelo: And sometimes I ask my patients -- nowadays I do a lot of cancer patients because I have a Masters in Oncology, and it’s been my last years I’ve been doing that, and I always ask them what you do in your life these past two days makes you really, really happy, and they look at me like they don't even know what they do the last two days.

6:08

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Tâmara Castelo: Like, I don't even know what I have to -- the lunch I had yesterday, I don't remember. So, it’s like this, you know. You go through life cruising, not living it, and it’s really difficult because the stress and the anxiety and the insomnia and all the patterns of your mind are completely disconnected because you’re not here. Your brain is completely imbalanced, and you can see that in the blood tests. You can see that in the cortisol levels and in our adrenaline levels. It’s biochemical which is crazy amazing.

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Tâmara Castelo: So, yeah.

Amanda Testa: So, I’m curious, too, you know, based on all of your years of study and your training in Traditional Chinese Medicine as well as your Masters in Oncology, how would you say that kind of informs your philosophy around how you treat and approach your patients and just, in general, supporting others to live their healthiest lives?

7:03

Tâmara Castelo: Yeah, normally I tend to explain to them how their body works because everybody is a body.

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Tâmara Castelo: Nobody has the same body, so normally, I explain, “Your body likes this. You have to do this. You have to do that.” So, I examine the patient. I’ve known my patients for many years, but when they're new I look at them, I look at their exams, I look at their life history, mother, father, everything. You have to look at the big picture to see which lineage, which family, what happened when you were a child. You have to know everything because it’s a person, and you got your biochemistry is in every step of the way, so you have to know it all from your birth until that moment.

So, I have to know it all, and then I start to design a picture in my mind how the body works with a lot of Ayurvedic and Traditional Chinese Medicine and biotypes, and start to cross it off, and then I begin to explain to the patient, “Well, your body’s like this. It likes that.”

8:09

And I explain to them, “Well, you have this because of this.” I talk a lot in my appointments. They're one hour and a half, and I talk, talk, talk, talk, and then when they comprehend, it’s easy. They do what I want because they understand. [Laughs]

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Tâmara Castelo: So, I say, “It’s like this, and now we have to do this because of this.” And sometimes it’s really difficult because I have to go to diet changes that are really tough. I have to change completely the time and the schedule of the work, and if they understand, they'll do it because then they will see results in one week.

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Tâmara Castelo: And then they’ll stick to it.

Amanda Testa: Yes.

Tâmara Castelo: And even if you say, “Okay, now it’s okay. You can slow down,” they will still do it. I say, “You can slow down!” “No, I’m good!” “No, no, but you can ride it out.” “No, no, no, no! I’m really good!” I say, “Okay, go do it!”

9:03

So, you know, you have to explain to people their body. They have to know their body because they don't know their body. Everything is disconnected so they don't know. So, if you explain to them, they will understand, “Okay.” I will give you an example.

A woman that comes to the office, the legs are swollen at the end of the day, and she feels heavy, and she feels tired, and she feels bruised a lot (you know, when you touch anything and you feel bruised in the legs), and you feel craving about sweets, and your hair is starting to fall. This is the biotype. A lot of people get these things. You have constipation. You don’t go to the toilet a lot. This is really common here in Portugal. It’s a biotype. It’s really simple to resolve all these issues. You just have to change this and this and this and this. They do that in one month. Everything is solved. And they say, “Wow! That’s a miracle!” It’s not a miracle. You just give your body what it needs. Just know yourself because we are all -- the biochemistry’s a lot alike, but if you just look at it and you do it perfect, the body works amazingly. But you have to explain that.

10:15

Amanda Testa: Right.

Tâmara Castelo: If you don't explain it to them, they’ll do nothing.

Amanda Testa: Yes.

Tâmara Castelo: [Laughs] It’s terrible.

Amanda Testa: So, I’m wondering if you wouldn't mind sharing a little bit more about what a biotype is and how people can figure out what that is for them?

Tâmara Castelo: Of course, in the book --

Amanda Testa: Yes!

Tâmara Castelo: -- you can cross it. [Laughs]

Amanda Testa: Yes, yes.

Tâmara Castelo: Well, the biotype, you have types of blood, and you have types of chemistry, and you have your mother and your father, and the people are normally divided in three big groups for the Traditional Chinese Medicine and for Ayurvedic Medicine and for a lot of medicines, actually. So it’s like the more common -- we have all the three groups, of course, because we share a lot of genes, and we share a lot of biochemistry together. We all are the same species, of course, but sometimes the behavior of our organs and our chemistry is more to the right, more to the left, or more to the center, and you can see that in people.

11:11

People that have the tendency to be lean, or the tendency to get big fat in the belly, or the tendency to sleep a lot, or the tendency to don't sleep at all, and you can see that in babies even. It’s completely obvious because there are babies that sleep perfect and a lot of hours, and a lot of babies that don't like to take naps. They don't nap. They don't like it. It’s like their biotype. Nothing to do because, “Oh, one of my children sleep a lot, one of my children --,” there’s nothing wrong with the baby. The baby don't sleep. It’s their biotype. Some of them don't sleep at noon. Whatever. Some are good. Some people are perfect with their stomach. They can just eat everything. Some people can't eat nothing because they are very sensitive.

12:01

And the Chinese and the Indians, they put little groups about these particularities, and they find out they are not particularities. They're actually types.

Amanda Testa: Mm. Mm-hmm.

Tâmara Castelo: It’s beautiful. So, you can divide it, and it’s really, really simple. So, you can find out your tendency biotype because you have a lot of the other, and then when you find it, you can find what to eat, how to sleep, what to use, and to promote your health in a more easier way because if you go and you see your body type is this (normally it’s two out of three, but one is more important), you can go to the list, and you can see, “This is good for me, and this is not good for me.” And even if it’s small changes you can see in your body (more energy, more sleep, whatever you need). The balance will be restored if you work on your body type. And this is something you can do alone. You don't need anybody. You just need to see what your biotype, and that is really simple to do because we don't have a lot of systems. We just have the most important: the digestive system, the sleeping system, the working of the bowels, and the mind. With this, you can know practically everything about the person. [Laughs]

13:18

Amanda Testa: So, I’m wondering, I guess, are there rituals that are effective for people no matter what their biotype is?

Tâmara Castelo: Oh, of course.

Amanda Testa: I know there are probably certain ones for certain biotypes.

Tâmara Castelo: Yes, of course.

Amanda Testa: What are some of your favorite simple rituals?

Tâmara Castelo: Ooh, simple, I love. I have my morning rituals that I love that I do every day in my life. I can share, and my night rituals I can share, too.

So, my morning rituals are everyday when I wake up. When I wake up, before I open my eyes, I always think of a word (the first word that comes to mind everyday), and no matter the word, I always focus on it, and I just let it fill. And if it’s a good word, I empower it, and if it’s not so good (a feeling that I don't like), I just dissolve it. I drink a lot of water when I wake up, and then I just clean it out.

14:08

And then the other ritual I do in the morning, I do the word thing every day of my life, and then the other thing is my intention of the day. I do it every day in my life. I sit. I don't eat in the morning because my biotype is not good for eating in the morning. My stomach is terrible, so I sit down a bit for a minute, and I focus on my day, and normally, I make a list of what I want to achieve in that day.

I can give you an example. I want to be focused. I want to be clear. Because I manage a big group -- this was today. I’m telling you what I write today. I think I remember because I write, and then I throw it away. I want to be clear. I want to be good. I want to be with perseverance -- I think that’s the word -- because I had a big meeting, and it was difficult, and I just empower myself with that words, and I read it like seven or eight times, I breathe, and I go. So, pop, pop, pop, pop. This is my two rituals, and I do it every day.

15:07

Then when it’s the full moon, the other one I do, I do a lot with a lot of things. At night every day I light candles. You cannot see it because it’s far away, but I have an altar in my house, and every day in the morning I light it up, and then I light it up, too, just to be thankful about today and with my patients and my staff and everything and my children and to protect my family because I like that, and I feel connected to them, and I remember them because when you do a ritual and you think about people you love, you also connect with them and you remember them. That’s important. So, I remember my family, the ones that I love. And then when I go to bed, I always ask my subconscious to bring me what I need to know and take all that I don't need to know away and give me a good night to sleep, every day. And then I do one more specific, but this is my routine, and it goes to everybody, and it’s helpful for everybody because it allows your brain to have a motive, and brains are organs. They have to have something to do.

16:19

Amanda Testa: Yes.

Tâmara Castelo: You have to -- yeah, otherwise they just be stupid and give you crazy ideas. [Laughs] It’s important to keep this under control!

Amanda Testa: Yes.

Tâmara Castelo: [Laughs] Yes.

Amanda Testa: So, speaking to that, I appreciate that ritual you shared earlier to kind of dissolve some of the toxic thoughts that sometimes come, but what would be some other maybe simple rituals that you could share around that? When you have the thoughts that are coming up that aren't supportive or the toxic thoughts, those type of things. What could you share around that?

Tâmara Castelo: Right. Dumping. Dumping is the most beautiful thing in the world. So, every year, I have a big, big Instagram group that I lead, and it goes with my name. It’s Tamaristas.

17:05

It’s like 800 people I lead for a week normally (three/four times a year), and I lead them normally with rituals and everything, and the dumping ritual is the most symptom -- the one that they prefer because we like the topic, but you can do that when you are with the topic. You know, on your mind and your day’s circling around like ka-ka-ka-ka, ka-ka-ka-ka, and your brain is like blah, that’s the topic, okay? Don’t do it.

Yeah, if you have one already, you don't have to ask for one. And then you just jot down whatever is on your mind. It’s like a download from a computer. We just write it, and it doesn't have to make sense at all. It can be random words. It’s not important. The important thing is you have to pick up the words in your brain, and then you have to take it out. It’s like taking out the trash, and you do that for about five minutes. You have to put the timer - it’s important. And then you’re dumping, dumping, dumping, dumping, dumping, and then you breathe, and then you see there’s a new stupid virus in your mind, and then when you’ve got it, then you go five minutes more - pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa. It doesn't matter. The paper is not for reading. Nobody will read it. It’s going directly to the garbage. So, it’s just for your brain to get a moment of discharge, and this is so helpful. It saved my life one million times, you know?

18:32

So, for negative thoughts, it’s amazing. So, it’s really helpful, and a pen, everybody has one. So, it doesn't cost money. Paper. Go, go, go, go, go. It’s not the same when writing on the computer. Sometimes people ask me. You have to write it by hand because the connection of the hand and the brain is important. I don't know why, but it helps, and then you have to take it all out, and then you sit for one minute. You see if there’s another. If not, it’s okay. Five minutes more. Dump it. The words don't have to make a sentence. Just words, words, words, words. It can be cats. It can be yellow. It can be bitch. Whatever. It’s just letting the stress go from your brain, and eventually, when you feel more calmer, then you can begin the process of putting something constructive and positive to your brain, because when you're in the circle of negative thoughts, it’s very difficult to think of something positive.

19:28

People say that sometimes, “Oh, think of something positive.” Oh, if that was easy, I will do it, but that’s not easy. That’s not an easy twist. [Laughs] So, we have to do something in between.

So, normally to calm your brain down, to put your cortisol down, to put your thoughts down, dumping is really cool or breathing exercises are really cool too.

Amanda Testa: Yes, yes. I love that. I love how when you write like that, it can just be -- it’s crazy the things that come out, right? And it’s good to just write all the things that you're even thinking in your head like, “This is dumb. Why am I writing? Blah, blah, blah, I’m writing. I’m writing, I’m writing.” But just let it go, and then eventually it just starts to pour out.

Tâmara Castelo: Yeah, yeah, yeah! I write that all the time. “I’m writing, I’m writing!” I do that a lot of times. “I’m writing. I don’t know what I’m writing, but I’m writing.” [Laughs] But it’s really amazing. It’s like freedom, you know? It’s free. You can free your mind and everybody. Because it’s a lot of stress, you know? It’s stress in your mind, stress outside. It’s a lot of difficult, a difficult century.

20:26

Amanda Testa: Yes, I love to do that. I like to do it in the morning, and I actually got it’s like a writing tablet. It’s the best thing ever, and I love it because, for me, it works. I write and I write, and I write, and then I can have hundreds and hundreds of pages in the same tablet.

Tâmara Castelo: It’s beautiful.

Amanda Testa: It’s so great.

Tâmara Castelo: Yeah, but the thing you have to have it by hand, no matter what.

Amanda Testa: Yeah, it’s written by hand. It’s written by hand.

Tâmara Castelo: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, but the hand is important. The hand movement is important.

Amanda Testa: Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Tâmara Castelo: Because the hand connects to the brain, and it’s important.

Amanda Testa: Yes.

Tâmara Castelo: So, this, no, but this? It’s amazing.

Amanda Testa: Yeah, and I like -- because I think, often, what I’ll do is when I first wake up in the morning, that’s always a lot of excitement and energy and sometimes anxiety and all the things. That’s when it comes up for me. So, I’m like okay, let’s just write down all the things so that you can figure out what is --

21:17

Tâmara Castelo: Yeah, but you can do an exercise in bed if you do have anxiety in the morning.

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Tâmara Castelo: You want me to tell you?

Amanda Testa: Sure.

Tâmara Castelo: Okay, so, you can activate your vagus nerve. So it’s really important to do that in the bed. It’s when you have anxiety, like wake up like this. So, if you do that, if any of your listeners do that, you have to do a simple exercise. You do it three times. It will lower your diaphragm, and it will activate your vagus nerve. So, it’s really, really good. It de-stresses your body immediately. It’s amazing, so you have to breathe in, mouth closed. You’ll do it with me. Go. And then you lock your breathing, and you do a lot of strength like you're going to poop, but don't poop. Until you can handle it, and then when you need to breathe, you breathe, and you lay low.

Amanda Testa: [Exhales] Yes.

22:16

Tâmara Castelo: Three times. If you do that in the morning -- whatever the time. When you feel a lot of senses, immediately, immediately lower your blood pressure. Immediately lower your heart rate. Immediately, then lock your muscles. It’s immediate, and it’s physical.

Amanda Testa: Yes.

Tâmara Castelo: You don't need to do work in your brain.

Amanda Testa: Yes, I love that.

Tâmara Castelo: You can work -- yeah, yeah, me too! [Laughs]

Amanda Testa: I love the somatic practices that work so quickly because, oftentimes, when we are in those states, we can’t -- we don't often know what it is that we need to do. So just something simple that you can practice so then when you do find yourself in that state, you could get there and do it.

Tâmara Castelo: That one, you do it, and it’s automatic.

Amanda Testa: Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Tâmara Castelo: Because it’s physical.

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Tâmara Castelo: You just push your diaphragm to your nerve so it’s more physical to kind of get it, you know?

Amanda Testa: Yes, yes.

Tâmara Castelo: So, it’s physical. It’s your sympathetic system’s lower down, and your parasympathetic opens up and then it’s a physical thing.

Amanda Testa: Yes.

23:15

Tâmara Castelo: It’s beautiful. So, you don't have to control it by brain. It’s amazing for people who have panic attacks, people who have a lot of anxiety, fear. It’s really important, too. So, any state of really, really tension, it works amazingly.

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Tâmara Castelo: And you feel it. It’s immediate.

Amanda Testa: Yes.

Tâmara Castelo: So, it’s good.

Amanda Testa: I love that.

Tâmara Castelo: Gives you control.

Amanda Testa: I love that. And I think, too, because, you know, a lot of the work that I do is traumatic trauma resolution, and so, a lot of those simple somatic techniques to get your parasympathetic nervous system going, to immediately shift something, there are so many great ways to do that.

Tâmara Castelo: That’s amazing.

Amanda Testa: And so, I love sharing those. I love that one that you just shared.

Tâmara Castelo: Another one that’s beautiful when it’s a redline -- when this one is not working properly, you can bite your little finger, okay? Mm, and then you do it. You bite it. When you have coming to a panic attack, you mm, and it stops immediately.

24:14

It’s a really powerful acupressure point, but the most amazing way to do it is with yourself, of course. It’s bite. In your tooth just like this, and then mm, give it a bite.

Amanda Testa: I love it. You're good! We’ll try these for sure!

Tâmara Castelo: Yeah. Yeah!

Amanda Testa: I love that.

Tâmara Castelo: I’m the master of anxiety so you do it! I have a lot of them.

Amanda Testa: [Laughs]

Tâmara Castelo: Tried it, tried it on me a lot of times, and it works!

Amanda Testa: I love that.

Tâmara Castelo: I just give you what works. [Laughs]

Amanda Testa: Yeah, I think it’s great to have that toolkit so that you know, let me just try these things and get a solution.

Tâmara Castelo: Yeah, yeah, yeah. A solution that works.

Amanda Testa: Yes! Right.

Tâmara Castelo: You know, that breathes five times, three times, one time, what the hell, man, I’m going, and I cannot breathe. I cannot do it!

Amanda Testa: I can bite my fingers though!

Tâmara Castelo: Yeah, I can bite my fingers, though, you know? Something quick. Give me something quick. So, that’s quick.

Amanda Testa: I love that.

Tâmara Castelo: Yeah, me too. [Laughs]

25:07

Amanda Testa: I’m wondering, too, tell me a little bit more about -- I would love how, obviously, we’re talking about holistic care and all of these amazing tools to support your body and your being, I would love if you have any rituals that you might want to share around sexual wellness or our sexual energy because that’s a big part of what I love to talk about on this podcast.

Tâmara Castelo: Ooh, yeah! Love it.

Amanda Testa: Yes, would love to hear your insight about that.

Tâmara Castelo: Yes, so, I talk a little bit about that. I talk a lot about it, actually. I have a little -- 90% of my practice is women, so yeah, and I have a lot of breast cancer and sex with breast cancer is a bit difficult, and post-breast cancer is a lot difficult. So, actually, I have a protocol in my clinic about that, and I have a lot of patients with endometriosis, too. When it’s really painful to have sex, so we developed with a physiotherapist. We have a lot of people working on the mobility of the vagina and everything. So, it’s beautiful actually.

26:03

So, I’ll talk about rituals for that part of the body. So, the main thing that I tell all of my patients is that sexual energy, like any energy, has to be worked on it. It don’t come from God above. So, you have to do something, yeah. It’s like going to the gym. You don't want to go to the gym. Some people do, but normally it’s like, yes, I have two people that want to go. But normally you have to understand that this energy is our creative energy. In Traditional Chinese Medicine, it’s allocated in the area that is called the Dantien, and it’s the center of and the flow of all the creative energy. So, all of the ideas (the creating, the force, the life force, the work force) comes from there, from the place between the belly button and your bone near the vagina. So, that part.

27:00

So, that energy, when you work a lot, is depleted. It’s this energy. Sexual energy is the gripping force energy of life. It’s not just sexual energy. Sexual is a word that we use, but it’s like a life force energy, and when you're not connected to life, you're not connected to sexual energy, and in the beginning of our conversation, we were talking about that. People don't even know what they eat yesterday. They are not connected to themselves. They are not connected to their surroundings. So, they are not connected to their body, to their energy. So, the sexual energy goes in and has to be cultivated.

So, one of the rituals that I talk about with my patients, and I talk about in my talks, and everything is to focus on their area and to put your hands there and to move your pelvis. You have to move it. Energy moves energy, and you have to move your energy, and you have to have time to do it. Otherwise you have to book it on your schedule because you don't have time. If you don't find time, you don't go, you don't do it. You have to take your hands like this, one above the other, and you have to put it on the thing. You have to breathe and make your belly move, and then you have to move your hips like circular movements just to have your Kundalini energy to get moving, and you have to do this every day for five minutes like a ritual, and then connect yourself.

28:28

You don't have to think of anything sexual because if you do it correctly and you do it every day, it will arrive just like this. In one week, you will feel it. It’s just that simple.

Amanda Testa: It’s so true. That’s what I think is so key about the practices is it’s the doing of the thing that gives you the result, and that is so hard for people.

Tâmara Castelo: Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it!

Amanda Testa: [Laughs]

Tâmara Castelo: It’s not like do it once.

Amanda Testa: Yes, I know!

Tâmara Castelo: “I know, I did it on Sunday!” And I said, “Yeah, man. This is Friday! Every day. Five minutes.”

Amanda Testa: Mm-hmm.

Tâmara Castelo: It’s like breathing. If you stop breathing, you’ll be dead by Friday. So, it’s the same.

Amanda Testa: Right!

29:04

Tâmara Castelo: You have to maintain the energy because it’s like a life force. You have to take care of it, and you have to move it. It’s difficult because people are not disciplined.

Amanda Testa: Yes.

Tâmara Castelo: But when they understand it, it’s just the first time it’s difficult. Then they’ll get there.

Amanda Testa: Mm-hmm. I think, like you say, it’s when they understand it, A, and then, too, when they get the effects, when they're getting the result and they're feeling good.

Tâmara Castelo: Yeah.

Amanda Testa: And they're like, “Oh, yes, I definitely want to do this!”

Tâmara Castelo: Right, “It’s there! Oh! I’m not dead,” they said to me.

Amanda Testa: Yes!

Tâmara Castelo: I say, “Of course you're not dead. You’re just not moving!” [Laughs] “You're not dead. Everything is there. You have all the potential inside of you.” “Oh, no, this is already dead, doctor,” they say to me. They say, “It’s not dead. There.”

Amanda Testa: Mm-hmm.

Tâmara Castelo: You have to touch it. You have to move it.

Amanda Testa: Activate it.

Tâmara Castelo: You have to want it. Yeah, it’s there, you just have to touch the buttons. Put on, and then do it every day just for five minutes. “I know you're there. Hi. Let’s move.” You don't have to do nothing. Just be aware. Be connected. It’s the connection, that’s the problem.

Amanda Testa: Yes, yes.

30:13

Tâmara Castelo: People don't find time just to call somebody they love. They don't find time to connect with themselves. It’s difficult. It’s complicated.

Amanda Testa: Yes.

Tâmara Castelo: A lot of people are talking about it, so eventually to come in. [Laughs]

Amanda Testa: Yes, and I think, too, it’s a good practice. That’s one of the reasons I started a pleasure membership is so a couple times a month you get together, you learn the practices, you do them together, then you can go home and do them on your own, right?

Tâmara Castelo: Yeah.

Amanda Testa: Because it’s so important. I love that so much. And it’s fun. Like you say, once you get the hang of them, once you learn them, once you do them for a while, then they just become part of your routine. You just do them when you don't think about it as much anymore, right?

Tâmara Castelo: Yeah, 21 days is all it takes to get a habit. So, I think it’s just like that, though. And then when you do it, it’s really cool. People are like, “Ah, you know!” I say, “Good for you!” [Laughs]

Amanda Testa: Yay!

31:08

Tâmara Castelo: “It’s good actually,” they say. “And I don't remember my breath, and I don't remember --,” and I said beautiful because it’s part of life, you know? And it’s a grip of life, and pleasure is really important in these times because it’s one of the tools that don't require medicine, that don't require nothing. It’s a natural antidepressant. It lowers cortisol, puts your blood flowing, lowers hypertension, gets your sleep better, allows your brain to think better. All of it’s important.

Amanda Testa: Yeah, I’m wondering, too, just speaking to one of the things that I’m curious about as well is you mention sleep quite a few times, and I know oftentimes that can be such a challenging thing, and I love the couple of rituals that you shared that you do at night, but I’m wondering if maybe there’s one more great ritual that you love to do to really enhance a good night’s sleep.

Tâmara Castelo: Yeah, they don't like my night rituals, people.

Amanda Testa: [Laughs]

Tâmara Castelo: Yeah, they don't like it. They don't like it because they don't like my time schedule at night, but I will share it, but they don't like it. [Laughs]

Amanda Testa: Yes, let’s hear.

32:13

Tâmara Castelo: So, it’s important. First thing: you have to be in bed early. So, early, let’s define it. If you wake up at 7:00 AM, you have to be at bed at least at 9:30. They don't like it because it’s early. If you want to sleep, you have to think of sleep like you're in a train station. So, if you get that train, the train of 9:30, you’ll get through until 7:00, and then if you don't get the train, the other trains are only at 1:00 AM, and the trains are always stopping. You know that train that’s always stopping in the -- yeah, so I say to patients, “Well, but you don't get yawning at any time?” “Oh, yeah, I get like 9:00. Oh, but at 9:00, I have a lot to do,” and I said, “Well, when you get yawning, your body is telling you, “Get to bed!” So you need a ritual for that. You just need to listen to your yawning.” Just like that.

33:14

But yawning aside, this is an important part because your body will tell you when they want to sleep, even if you disagree. Normally, it will tell you. You start yawning one time, yawning two times, and it was telling you, “Man, I’m tired. I need to go to bed,” and sometimes it’s 9:00. Sometimes it’s 9:15. Sometimes it’s 8:30. You don't like it, but sometimes it’s needed. It needs to sleep. Your brain needs to sleep, and it’s telling you, “I need to sleep, man! I need to sleep,” and you have to go to sleep. You have to respect your body. It’s the only body you have, so this is important.

Amanda Testa: Mm-hmm.

Tâmara Castelo: But if you’re missing that train, there are some things you can do. One of my favorite things in the world is soaking the feet in hot, hot water. It’s not the same as taking a bath. Please, the important thing is to make sure that one part of the body is more cold and another part of the body is more warm.

34:10

So, taking a shower is not the same thing. So, soaking your feet with really hot, hot water with a lot of salts (food salt, normal salt) with the music, lower the lights for about ten minutes, and breathe only through your nose (in and out, mouth closed). This will help you a lot, but you should take the first train. It’s more efficient.

Amanda Testa: I love that. Even while you were saying it, I was just visualizing myself. I love going to bed. I love it.

Tâmara Castelo: Me too! I yawn at 9:00, and I say to my kids, “I’m going. I’m yawning. I’m sorry.” “No, mama! I’m still doing this!” “Ciao! I’m going! I’m going!” I’m not losing my train, otherwise I don't sleep. So, sleep, for me, is my most sacred thing in the world.

Amanda Testa: Yes.

Tâmara Castelo: Like, I cannot -- nobody messes with my sleep.

Amanda Testa: I love that.

Tâmara Castelo: I’m terrible. Yeah, for me, it’s sacred.

35:05

Amanda Testa: I think that’s good to note, too, for the people listening who might have kids or might have other people in the family. How can you set that boundary that they will respect you doing what you need to do for yourself?

Tâmara Castelo: Oh! Oh, “No, ciao.”

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Tâmara Castelo: Listen, I have two kids. My boyfriend has three kids. So, there are five kids. For me, it’s, “Ciao. I tried to put you to bed one hour ago. I tried. I tried to tell you the story, to put you to bed, to give you a good night’s sleep and kiss. You don't want it? Okay, so now I’m going to bed.” “No, mommy!” “Sorry, I love you. Mwah! Going,” and I go. I’m terrible. With my sleep, I’m terrible. I’m terrible because if I don't sleep, I’m aging bad, I’m doing a mass out of my brain, and I need to think because I’m a doctor, so I have a lot of people to do tomorrow and I have a lot of things to do.

Amanda Testa: Yes!

36:00

Tâmara Castelo: And I like being well in my brains. I like to think straight. I want to get my emotional health okay. I suffered from anxiety a lot, so I will not do it again. I’m okay. I do it once. I will not repeat it ever again, please. So, I maintain my health by sleeping a lot and respecting my boundaries. So, if my kids want a good mother, a good mother is a sleeping mother, not a non-sleeping mother. A non-sleeping mother is a mother that will yell, will not have the patience, will not have the tolerance, will not have the pleasure, will not be fun, will not be a laughing mother. I don't like to be that person.

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Tâmara Castelo: So, sometimes to not be that person I have to set boundaries. They already know. So, they know -- actually they said to me, “Mommy it’s 9:00. Maybe I should go to bed.” I said, “Maybe you should go to bed. Yeah.” Now they learn. Even my dog is sleeping. He knows. He knows, man. He knows!

Amanda Testa: [Laughs] Yes, I love that.

Tâmara Castelo: So, it’s important for you to explain to the kids, “I need to sleep because I want to wake up tomorrow and be okay with myself and be good with my anxiety,” and they understand, and you have to sleep, you know? I explain to them a lot of stories. I do a lot of research for my book, and one of the research I did was about sleeping, in adolescence and with kids. I was telling to my eldest kid, I was telling her, “You know that they did a study that average of the grades of the people who sleep 2 more hours than the others were 35% more just by sleeping because the power of concentration, memorization was double, just by sleeping two hours more. That’s the difference between going to bed at 8:00 or going to bed at 10:00. It doesn't seem like much, but it’s the difference between entering medical school or no. It’s a difference from defining your future just by sleeping.”

Amanda Testa: Yeah, that’s pretty powerful.

Tâmara Castelo: So, it's crazy. Yeah!

Amanda Testa: [Laughs]

38:10

Tâmara Castelo: So, I explain that to them. No, I love my children, but I explain them, then, like I do to my patients, the implications. Then they understand, they do it normally. Actually my eldest sometimes tell me. She wakes up. “Ma,” and I will always take her to school, and she said to me, “Today I’m going to bed at 8:30,” and I said, “Why?” “Tomorrow I have my chemistry exam, so today I’m going to bed at 8:30 to sleep well, like 11 hours, like my brains will be perfect tomorrow.” So, she uses the hack, and it worked!

Amanda Testa: Uh-huh.

Tâmara Castelo: So, yeah, you have to explain to them, and then they like boundaries.

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Tâmara Castelo: I love boundaries.

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Tâmara Castelo: It’s an act of love.

Amanda Testa: Right, it’s so true. I think I remember reading some study about kids, and they did a study of the caregiver and the kids, and in one environment they were just in an open field, and they could just run and do whatever they want, but the kids tend to just stay close to the caregiver. And then, alternatively, when they were in a fenced park, the kids were all running around and doing their thing. [Laughs] They liked that little bit of boundary, right?

39:23

Tâmara Castelo: Boundary is important. It’s caring for oneself and for the other.

Amanda Testa: Yeah, and I think that’s an important thing to note because, especially with regards to our health and wellbeing, there are so many people that are just giving and giving and don’t set that boundary, and then they find themselves sick or ill or all the things.

Tâmara Castelo: Yeah, and then they are explaining to their kids by doing that that that’s normal, so they're perpetuating sickness, which is terrible. It’s terrible education.

Amanda Testa: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Tâmara Castelo: Boundaries are important.

40:00

Amanda Testa: The key of boundaries, yes. Well, I’m wondering, too, I feel like I just love all your wisdom and you’re sharing such amazing, digestible tips that are so important. I’m wondering, too, maybe if there’s a question that you wished that I would have asked that I didn't ask or any other things that you feel are important to share?

Tâmara Castelo: No, I think it’s cool. For now I’m okay.

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Tâmara Castelo: I think it’s cool. I think the main thing is maybe one thing, I think. For maintaining good health, I’m crazy about sleep. I’m crazy. I’m obsessed. So, sleeping is important. Eight hours don't work for everybody, so sometimes it’s 9. Sometimes it’s 9:30. It depends. You have to know yourself to understand. So, give time to know yourself, to understand how many hours you do need. That’s important. If you are an adult, you should know it by now. Know it. You have to know it. If you don't know it, you should take a weekend off just to see, “How do I feel with that 9 hours? How do I feel with 9:30? How do I feel with 8:30?” Just to see what’s your normal time.

41:08

The other thing that’s really important: take five minutes for yourself every day, please. That’s important to maintain health and maintain grounded and with yourself and with your purpose because lack of purpose is the main issue for depression. So, connection is important.

Amanda Testa: Thank you so much.

Tâmara Castelo: Thank you!

Amanda Testa: Yes, I’m wondering, too, if you can share with everyone where to connect with you and where they can find your book and all the good things.

Tâmara Castelo: Okay, so, in my website it’s www.tamara-castelo.com, and then Instagram: @tamara__castelo without any accents.

Amanda Testa: Yes, and I’ll also make sure to put everything in the show notes --

Tâmara Castelo: Thank you!

Amanda Testa: -- so that you can find it there.

Tâmara Castelo: Okay, thanks!

Amanda Testa: Thank you so much again for being here!

Tâmara Castelo: Thank you!

Amanda Testa: Thank you all for listening. We will see you next time!
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42:03

Thank you for listening to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast! If you loved this episode, please go ahead and forward it right now to someone who you know would love it, and if you’ve not yet had a chance to leave us a rave review on Apple Podcasts, please make sure you rate and review if you enjoyed the podcast as well as make sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Thanks for listening, and we’ll see you next week!

[Fun, Empowering Music]EPISODE 255: Tâmara Castelo

[Fun, Empowering Music]

Amanda Testa: Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a sex, love, and relationship coach, and in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex, love, and relationships, and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome!

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Hey, what’s up? It’s Amanda! If you're enjoying this pod, and you know you are ready to say yes to more pleasure, and you are just wanting to know, “How the hell do I do it,” well, you are in luck because as of now, we have spots available in The Pleasure Foundation which is my pleasure membership where twice a month you get an amazing practice that teaches you how to tap into your body, to become more connected to yourself, and to learn the art of sacred self-care. So, if this is something you're interested in, go to www.amandatesta.com/tpf (as in The Pleasure Foundation) and we will see you there!

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Have you ever noticed how even performing the smallest, little routine tasks, rituals, if you will, (you know I love rituals) can have a ripple effect --

1:09

Tâmara Castelo: Me too!

Amanda Testa: -- that is the result of big transformation? I am excited for today’s podcast because if you know me and have been listening to the pod, you know how much I preach about the power of rituals, and I love that combination of simple plus doable for lasting results, and today on the pod, I have a very special guest, and she actually has written numerous books. The most recent book being on rituals. So, I’m talking today with Tâmara Castelo, a specialist in Chinese Traditional Medicine. She not only works with patients in person, but she also treats a lot of things like sleep disorders, thyroid issues, anxiety, migraines, all the things, very holistically, and she’s written numerous books, but her newest book is called The Power of Rituals, and I’m so excited to talk with her today. So, welcome, welcome! Thank you so much.

Tâmara Castelo: Thank you! Thanks for having me.

Amanda Testa: Yes, and I’d love it if you wouldn't mind just sharing a little bit about kind of what excites you the most about the work that you do.

2:04

Tâmara Castelo: Oh, boy, that’s a big question! Everything excites me about the work I do. [Laughs]

Amanda Testa: [Laughs]

Tâmara Castelo: I love my work. I have the pleasure and the honor of directing a big, big team. We are 30 these days, so I’m really proud. I have two clinics in Portugal. We do a really good job (I think, I hope) with a holistic practice. Not only we treat patients, and we treat their life in a way, changing their habits, their eating habits, their sleeping habits, their everyday habits (or rituals, as you can call it). So yeah, the thing that I love most about my job is the transformation that occurs in the person. For me, it’s the most rewarding thing in the world because you can make a change and you can see it. So, it’s beautiful.

Amanda Testa: I love that, and I also so appreciate the holistic approach that you have.

Tâmara Castelo: Thank you.

2:59

Amanda Testa: Because from what I’ve read about and just even digesting a little bit of your book, it’s really encompassing everything because, really, when we’re trying to make a change in one area, often, there are numerous things attached to that.

Tâmara Castelo: It’s impossible! Sometimes the people say to me, “But everything is connected,” and I say, “Yes, I’m sorry!” [Laughs] Everything is connected. You have to do it all - the sleep, the food, your mind, your body. You are together with you and the world. So…

Amanda Testa: Yes.

Tâmara Castelo: We have to catch it all.

Amanda Testa: And I think one of the things that I would love if you would share a little bit more just from your own perspective, you know, kind of on your relationship with ritual and what has led you to be so passionate about helping other people adopt simple rituals.

Tâmara Castelo: I think it’s anxiety. I was really, really anxious when I was a little girl. For me, it was terrible. Being a child was really a nightmare to me. So, I was really anxious. Then I found out I have a thyroid disease, so I was anxious for a reason. [Laughs]

4:03

So, I was like 18 when I found out, but it’s been 10 years since that year -- since I was 8 years old until my 18th birthday. I was really anxious all the time, and the little things make me feel more grounded, like my grandmother was perfect to do that. She’d light a candle, breathe with me, she’d put the hands on my shoulders for me to chill, and little things that make me feel in my own kin. I don't know if you ever felt, severely, anxiety.

Amanda Testa: Yes.

Tâmara Castelo: But it’s really helpful, and I think my connection to ritual began there. And so, it was really, really at a young age because I wasn't feeling good, and I had a lot of sleep disorders, and these little things like she gives me something to smell. At that point it was 30 years ago. Essential oils of lavender, and then I smell that, and she put it on my pillow, and that helped, you know?

5:09

It really helped, and for me, it was the connection that I lacked, and then that connection allowed me to be really more grounded, more breathing, more in, and the anxiety got better. So, yeah, rituals for me are that connection with yourself and with the world. Those little things that keep you here.

Amanda Testa: I love that because it’s very easy to not be here, and like you say --

Tâmara Castelo: Oh, yeah.

Amanda Testa: -- especially in just the busy lives so many of us lead, they’re so full of stress and urgency and rush. Yeah.

Tâmara Castelo: And sometimes I ask my patients -- nowadays I do a lot of cancer patients because I have a Masters in Oncology, and it’s been my last years I’ve been doing that, and I always ask them what you do in your life these past two days makes you really, really happy, and they look at me like they don't even know what they do the last two days.

6:08

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Tâmara Castelo: Like, I don't even know what I have to -- the lunch I had yesterday, I don't remember. So, it’s like this, you know. You go through life cruising, not living it, and it’s really difficult because the stress and the anxiety and the insomnia and all the patterns of your mind are completely disconnected because you’re not here. Your brain is completely imbalanced, and you can see that in the blood tests. You can see that in the cortisol levels and in our adrenaline levels. It’s biochemical which is crazy amazing.

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Tâmara Castelo: So, yeah.

Amanda Testa: So, I’m curious, too, you know, based on all of your years of study and your training in Traditional Chinese Medicine as well as your Masters in Oncology, how would you say that kind of informs your philosophy around how you treat and approach your patients and just, in general, supporting others to live their healthiest lives?

7:03

Tâmara Castelo: Yeah, normally I tend to explain to them how their body works because everybody is a body.

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Tâmara Castelo: Nobody has the same body, so normally, I explain, “Your body likes this. You have to do this. You have to do that.” So, I examine the patient. I’ve known my patients for many years, but when they're new I look at them, I look at their exams, I look at their life history, mother, father, everything. You have to look at the big picture to see which lineage, which family, what happened when you were a child. You have to know everything because it’s a person, and you got your biochemistry is in every step of the way, so you have to know it all from your birth until that moment.

So, I have to know it all, and then I start to design a picture in my mind how the body works with a lot of Ayurvedic and Traditional Chinese Medicine and biotypes, and start to cross it off, and then I begin to explain to the patient, “Well, your body’s like this. It likes that.”

8:09

And I explain to them, “Well, you have this because of this.” I talk a lot in my appointments. They're one hour and a half, and I talk, talk, talk, talk, and then when they comprehend, it’s easy. They do what I want because they understand. [Laughs]

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Tâmara Castelo: So, I say, “It’s like this, and now we have to do this because of this.” And sometimes it’s really difficult because I have to go to diet changes that are really tough. I have to change completely the time and the schedule of the work, and if they understand, they'll do it because then they will see results in one week.

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Tâmara Castelo: And then they’ll stick to it.

Amanda Testa: Yes.

Tâmara Castelo: And even if you say, “Okay, now it’s okay. You can slow down,” they will still do it. I say, “You can slow down!” “No, I’m good!” “No, no, but you can ride it out.” “No, no, no, no! I’m really good!” I say, “Okay, go do it!”

9:03

So, you know, you have to explain to people their body. They have to know their body because they don't know their body. Everything is disconnected so they don't know. So, if you explain to them, they will understand, “Okay.” I will give you an example.

A woman that comes to the office, the legs are swollen at the end of the day, and she feels heavy, and she feels tired, and she feels bruised a lot (you know, when you touch anything and you feel bruised in the legs), and you feel craving about sweets, and your hair is starting to fall. This is the biotype. A lot of people get these things. You have constipation. You don’t go to the toilet a lot. This is really common here in Portugal. It’s a biotype. It’s really simple to resolve all these issues. You just have to change this and this and this and this. They do that in one month. Everything is solved. And they say, “Wow! That’s a miracle!” It’s not a miracle. You just give your body what it needs. Just know yourself because we are all -- the biochemistry’s a lot alike, but if you just look at it and you do it perfect, the body works amazingly. But you have to explain that.

10:15

Amanda Testa: Right.

Tâmara Castelo: If you don't explain it to them, they’ll do nothing.

Amanda Testa: Yes.

Tâmara Castelo: [Laughs] It’s terrible.

Amanda Testa: So, I’m wondering if you wouldn't mind sharing a little bit more about what a biotype is and how people can figure out what that is for them?

Tâmara Castelo: Of course, in the book --

Amanda Testa: Yes!

Tâmara Castelo: -- you can cross it. [Laughs]

Amanda Testa: Yes, yes.

Tâmara Castelo: Well, the biotype, you have types of blood, and you have types of chemistry, and you have your mother and your father, and the people are normally divided in three big groups for the Traditional Chinese Medicine and for Ayurvedic Medicine and for a lot of medicines, actually. So it’s like the more common -- we have all the three groups, of course, because we share a lot of genes, and we share a lot of biochemistry together. We all are the same species, of course, but sometimes the behavior of our organs and our chemistry is more to the right, more to the left, or more to the center, and you can see that in people.

11:11

People that have the tendency to be lean, or the tendency to get big fat in the belly, or the tendency to sleep a lot, or the tendency to don't sleep at all, and you can see that in babies even. It’s completely obvious because there are babies that sleep perfect and a lot of hours, and a lot of babies that don't like to take naps. They don't nap. They don't like it. It’s like their biotype. Nothing to do because, “Oh, one of my children sleep a lot, one of my children --,” there’s nothing wrong with the baby. The baby don't sleep. It’s their biotype. Some of them don't sleep at noon. Whatever. Some are good. Some people are perfect with their stomach. They can just eat everything. Some people can't eat nothing because they are very sensitive.

12:01

And the Chinese and the Indians, they put little groups about these particularities, and they find out they are not particularities. They're actually types.

Amanda Testa: Mm. Mm-hmm.

Tâmara Castelo: It’s beautiful. So, you can divide it, and it’s really, really simple. So, you can find out your tendency biotype because you have a lot of the other, and then when you find it, you can find what to eat, how to sleep, what to use, and to promote your health in a more easier way because if you go and you see your body type is this (normally it’s two out of three, but one is more important), you can go to the list, and you can see, “This is good for me, and this is not good for me.” And even if it’s small changes you can see in your body (more energy, more sleep, whatever you need). The balance will be restored if you work on your body type. And this is something you can do alone. You don't need anybody. You just need to see what your biotype, and that is really simple to do because we don't have a lot of systems. We just have the most important: the digestive system, the sleeping system, the working of the bowels, and the mind. With this, you can know practically everything about the person. [Laughs]

13:18

Amanda Testa: So, I’m wondering, I guess, are there rituals that are effective for people no matter what their biotype is?

Tâmara Castelo: Oh, of course.

Amanda Testa: I know there are probably certain ones for certain biotypes.

Tâmara Castelo: Yes, of course.

Amanda Testa: What are some of your favorite simple rituals?

Tâmara Castelo: Ooh, simple, I love. I have my morning rituals that I love that I do every day in my life. I can share, and my night rituals I can share, too.

So, my morning rituals are everyday when I wake up. When I wake up, before I open my eyes, I always think of a word (the first word that comes to mind everyday), and no matter the word, I always focus on it, and I just let it fill. And if it’s a good word, I empower it, and if it’s not so good (a feeling that I don't like), I just dissolve it. I drink a lot of water when I wake up, and then I just clean it out.

14:08

And then the other ritual I do in the morning, I do the word thing every day of my life, and then the other thing is my intention of the day. I do it every day in my life. I sit. I don't eat in the morning because my biotype is not good for eating in the morning. My stomach is terrible, so I sit down a bit for a minute, and I focus on my day, and normally, I make a list of what I want to achieve in that day.

I can give you an example. I want to be focused. I want to be clear. Because I manage a big group -- this was today. I’m telling you what I write today. I think I remember because I write, and then I throw it away. I want to be clear. I want to be good. I want to be with perseverance -- I think that’s the word -- because I had a big meeting, and it was difficult, and I just empower myself with that words, and I read it like seven or eight times, I breathe, and I go. So, pop, pop, pop, pop. This is my two rituals, and I do it every day.

15:07

Then when it’s the full moon, the other one I do, I do a lot with a lot of things. At night every day I light candles. You cannot see it because it’s far away, but I have an altar in my house, and every day in the morning I light it up, and then I light it up, too, just to be thankful about today and with my patients and my staff and everything and my children and to protect my family because I like that, and I feel connected to them, and I remember them because when you do a ritual and you think about people you love, you also connect with them and you remember them. That’s important. So, I remember my family, the ones that I love. And then when I go to bed, I always ask my subconscious to bring me what I need to know and take all that I don't need to know away and give me a good night to sleep, every day. And then I do one more specific, but this is my routine, and it goes to everybody, and it’s helpful for everybody because it allows your brain to have a motive, and brains are organs. They have to have something to do.

16:19

Amanda Testa: Yes.

Tâmara Castelo: You have to -- yeah, otherwise they just be stupid and give you crazy ideas. [Laughs] It’s important to keep this under control!

Amanda Testa: Yes.

Tâmara Castelo: [Laughs] Yes.

Amanda Testa: So, speaking to that, I appreciate that ritual you shared earlier to kind of dissolve some of the toxic thoughts that sometimes come, but what would be some other maybe simple rituals that you could share around that? When you have the thoughts that are coming up that aren't supportive or the toxic thoughts, those type of things. What could you share around that?

Tâmara Castelo: Right. Dumping. Dumping is the most beautiful thing in the world. So, every year, I have a big, big Instagram group that I lead, and it goes with my name. It’s Tamaristas.

17:05

It’s like 800 people I lead for a week normally (three/four times a year), and I lead them normally with rituals and everything, and the dumping ritual is the most symptom -- the one that they prefer because we like the topic, but you can do that when you are with the topic. You know, on your mind and your day’s circling around like ka-ka-ka-ka, ka-ka-ka-ka, and your brain is like blah, that’s the topic, okay? Don’t do it.

Yeah, if you have one already, you don't have to ask for one. And then you just jot down whatever is on your mind. It’s like a download from a computer. We just write it, and it doesn't have to make sense at all. It can be random words. It’s not important. The important thing is you have to pick up the words in your brain, and then you have to take it out. It’s like taking out the trash, and you do that for about five minutes. You have to put the timer - it’s important. And then you’re dumping, dumping, dumping, dumping, dumping, and then you breathe, and then you see there’s a new stupid virus in your mind, and then when you’ve got it, then you go five minutes more - pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa. It doesn't matter. The paper is not for reading. Nobody will read it. It’s going directly to the garbage. So, it’s just for your brain to get a moment of discharge, and this is so helpful. It saved my life one million times, you know?

18:32

So, for negative thoughts, it’s amazing. So, it’s really helpful, and a pen, everybody has one. So, it doesn't cost money. Paper. Go, go, go, go, go. It’s not the same when writing on the computer. Sometimes people ask me. You have to write it by hand because the connection of the hand and the brain is important. I don't know why, but it helps, and then you have to take it all out, and then you sit for one minute. You see if there’s another. If not, it’s okay. Five minutes more. Dump it. The words don't have to make a sentence. Just words, words, words, words. It can be cats. It can be yellow. It can be bitch. Whatever. It’s just letting the stress go from your brain, and eventually, when you feel more calmer, then you can begin the process of putting something constructive and positive to your brain, because when you're in the circle of negative thoughts, it’s very difficult to think of something positive.

19:28

People say that sometimes, “Oh, think of something positive.” Oh, if that was easy, I will do it, but that’s not easy. That’s not an easy twist. [Laughs] So, we have to do something in between.

So, normally to calm your brain down, to put your cortisol down, to put your thoughts down, dumping is really cool or breathing exercises are really cool too.

Amanda Testa: Yes, yes. I love that. I love how when you write like that, it can just be -- it’s crazy the things that come out, right? And it’s good to just write all the things that you're even thinking in your head like, “This is dumb. Why am I writing? Blah, blah, blah, I’m writing. I’m writing, I’m writing.” But just let it go, and then eventually it just starts to pour out.

Tâmara Castelo: Yeah, yeah, yeah! I write that all the time. “I’m writing, I’m writing!” I do that a lot of times. “I’m writing. I don’t know what I’m writing, but I’m writing.” [Laughs] But it’s really amazing. It’s like freedom, you know? It’s free. You can free your mind and everybody. Because it’s a lot of stress, you know? It’s stress in your mind, stress outside. It’s a lot of difficult, a difficult century.

20:26

Amanda Testa: Yes, I love to do that. I like to do it in the morning, and I actually got it’s like a writing tablet. It’s the best thing ever, and I love it because, for me, it works. I write and I write, and I write, and then I can have hundreds and hundreds of pages in the same tablet.

Tâmara Castelo: It’s beautiful.

Amanda Testa: It’s so great.

Tâmara Castelo: Yeah, but the thing you have to have it by hand, no matter what.

Amanda Testa: Yeah, it’s written by hand. It’s written by hand.

Tâmara Castelo: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, but the hand is important. The hand movement is important.

Amanda Testa: Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Tâmara Castelo: Because the hand connects to the brain, and it’s important.

Amanda Testa: Yes.

Tâmara Castelo: So, this, no, but this? It’s amazing.

Amanda Testa: Yeah, and I like -- because I think, often, what I’ll do is when I first wake up in the morning, that’s always a lot of excitement and energy and sometimes anxiety and all the things. That’s when it comes up for me. So, I’m like okay, let’s just write down all the things so that you can figure out what is --

21:17

Tâmara Castelo: Yeah, but you can do an exercise in bed if you do have anxiety in the morning.

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Tâmara Castelo: You want me to tell you?

Amanda Testa: Sure.

Tâmara Castelo: Okay, so, you can activate your vagus nerve. So it’s really important to do that in the bed. It’s when you have anxiety, like wake up like this. So, if you do that, if any of your listeners do that, you have to do a simple exercise. You do it three times. It will lower your diaphragm, and it will activate your vagus nerve. So, it’s really, really good. It de-stresses your body immediately. It’s amazing, so you have to breathe in, mouth closed. You’ll do it with me. Go. And then you lock your breathing, and you do a lot of strength like you're going to poop, but don't poop. Until you can handle it, and then when you need to breathe, you breathe, and you lay low.

Amanda Testa: [Exhales] Yes.

22:16

Tâmara Castelo: Three times. If you do that in the morning -- whatever the time. When you feel a lot of senses, immediately, immediately lower your blood pressure. Immediately lower your heart rate. Immediately, then lock your muscles. It’s immediate, and it’s physical.

Amanda Testa: Yes.

Tâmara Castelo: You don't need to do work in your brain.

Amanda Testa: Yes, I love that.

Tâmara Castelo: You can work -- yeah, yeah, me too! [Laughs]

Amanda Testa: I love the somatic practices that work so quickly because, oftentimes, when we are in those states, we can’t -- we don't often know what it is that we need to do. So just something simple that you can practice so then when you do find yourself in that state, you could get there and do it.

Tâmara Castelo: That one, you do it, and it’s automatic.

Amanda Testa: Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Tâmara Castelo: Because it’s physical.

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Tâmara Castelo: You just push your diaphragm to your nerve so it’s more physical to kind of get it, you know?

Amanda Testa: Yes, yes.

Tâmara Castelo: So, it’s physical. It’s your sympathetic system’s lower down, and your parasympathetic opens up and then it’s a physical thing.

Amanda Testa: Yes.

23:15

Tâmara Castelo: It’s beautiful. So, you don't have to control it by brain. It’s amazing for people who have panic attacks, people who have a lot of anxiety, fear. It’s really important, too. So, any state of really, really tension, it works amazingly.

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Tâmara Castelo: And you feel it. It’s immediate.

Amanda Testa: Yes.

Tâmara Castelo: So, it’s good.

Amanda Testa: I love that.

Tâmara Castelo: Gives you control.

Amanda Testa: I love that. And I think, too, because, you know, a lot of the work that I do is traumatic trauma resolution, and so, a lot of those simple somatic techniques to get your parasympathetic nervous system going, to immediately shift something, there are so many great ways to do that.

Tâmara Castelo: That’s amazing.

Amanda Testa: And so, I love sharing those. I love that one that you just shared.

Tâmara Castelo: Another one that’s beautiful when it’s a redline -- when this one is not working properly, you can bite your little finger, okay? Mm, and then you do it. You bite it. When you have coming to a panic attack, you mm, and it stops immediately.

24:14

It’s a really powerful acupressure point, but the most amazing way to do it is with yourself, of course. It’s bite. In your tooth just like this, and then mm, give it a bite.

Amanda Testa: I love it. You're good! We’ll try these for sure!

Tâmara Castelo: Yeah. Yeah!

Amanda Testa: I love that.

Tâmara Castelo: I’m the master of anxiety so you do it! I have a lot of them.

Amanda Testa: [Laughs]

Tâmara Castelo: Tried it, tried it on me a lot of times, and it works!

Amanda Testa: I love that.

Tâmara Castelo: I just give you what works. [Laughs]

Amanda Testa: Yeah, I think it’s great to have that toolkit so that you know, let me just try these things and get a solution.

Tâmara Castelo: Yeah, yeah, yeah. A solution that works.

Amanda Testa: Yes! Right.

Tâmara Castelo: You know, that breathes five times, three times, one time, what the hell, man, I’m going, and I cannot breathe. I cannot do it!

Amanda Testa: I can bite my fingers though!

Tâmara Castelo: Yeah, I can bite my fingers, though, you know? Something quick. Give me something quick. So, that’s quick.

Amanda Testa: I love that.

Tâmara Castelo: Yeah, me too. [Laughs]

25:07

Amanda Testa: I’m wondering, too, tell me a little bit more about -- I would love how, obviously, we’re talking about holistic care and all of these amazing tools to support your body and your being, I would love if you have any rituals that you might want to share around sexual wellness or our sexual energy because that’s a big part of what I love to talk about on this podcast.

Tâmara Castelo: Ooh, yeah! Love it.

Amanda Testa: Yes, would love to hear your insight about that.

Tâmara Castelo: Yes, so, I talk a little bit about that. I talk a lot about it, actually. I have a little -- 90% of my practice is women, so yeah, and I have a lot of breast cancer and sex with breast cancer is a bit difficult, and post-breast cancer is a lot difficult. So, actually, I have a protocol in my clinic about that, and I have a lot of patients with endometriosis, too. When it’s really painful to have sex, so we developed with a physiotherapist. We have a lot of people working on the mobility of the vagina and everything. So, it’s beautiful actually.

26:03

So, I’ll talk about rituals for that part of the body. So, the main thing that I tell all of my patients is that sexual energy, like any energy, has to be worked on it. It don’t come from God above. So, you have to do something, yeah. It’s like going to the gym. You don't want to go to the gym. Some people do, but normally it’s like, yes, I have two people that want to go. But normally you have to understand that this energy is our creative energy. In Traditional Chinese Medicine, it’s allocated in the area that is called the Dantien, and it’s the center of and the flow of all the creative energy. So, all of the ideas (the creating, the force, the life force, the work force) comes from there, from the place between the belly button and your bone near the vagina. So, that part.

27:00

So, that energy, when you work a lot, is depleted. It’s this energy. Sexual energy is the gripping force energy of life. It’s not just sexual energy. Sexual is a word that we use, but it’s like a life force energy, and when you're not connected to life, you're not connected to sexual energy, and in the beginning of our conversation, we were talking about that. People don't even know what they eat yesterday. They are not connected to themselves. They are not connected to their surroundings. So, they are not connected to their body, to their energy. So, the sexual energy goes in and has to be cultivated.

So, one of the rituals that I talk about with my patients, and I talk about in my talks, and everything is to focus on their area and to put your hands there and to move your pelvis. You have to move it. Energy moves energy, and you have to move your energy, and you have to have time to do it. Otherwise you have to book it on your schedule because you don't have time. If you don't find time, you don't go, you don't do it. You have to take your hands like this, one above the other, and you have to put it on the thing. You have to breathe and make your belly move, and then you have to move your hips like circular movements just to have your Kundalini energy to get moving, and you have to do this every day for five minutes like a ritual, and then connect yourself.

28:28

You don't have to think of anything sexual because if you do it correctly and you do it every day, it will arrive just like this. In one week, you will feel it. It’s just that simple.

Amanda Testa: It’s so true. That’s what I think is so key about the practices is it’s the doing of the thing that gives you the result, and that is so hard for people.

Tâmara Castelo: Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it!

Amanda Testa: [Laughs]

Tâmara Castelo: It’s not like do it once.

Amanda Testa: Yes, I know!

Tâmara Castelo: “I know, I did it on Sunday!” And I said, “Yeah, man. This is Friday! Every day. Five minutes.”

Amanda Testa: Mm-hmm.

Tâmara Castelo: It’s like breathing. If you stop breathing, you’ll be dead by Friday. So, it’s the same.

Amanda Testa: Right!

29:04

Tâmara Castelo: You have to maintain the energy because it’s like a life force. You have to take care of it, and you have to move it. It’s difficult because people are not disciplined.

Amanda Testa: Yes.

Tâmara Castelo: But when they understand it, it’s just the first time it’s difficult. Then they’ll get there.

Amanda Testa: Mm-hmm. I think, like you say, it’s when they understand it, A, and then, too, when they get the effects, when they're getting the result and they're feeling good.

Tâmara Castelo: Yeah.

Amanda Testa: And they're like, “Oh, yes, I definitely want to do this!”

Tâmara Castelo: Right, “It’s there! Oh! I’m not dead,” they said to me.

Amanda Testa: Yes!

Tâmara Castelo: I say, “Of course you're not dead. You’re just not moving!” [Laughs] “You're not dead. Everything is there. You have all the potential inside of you.” “Oh, no, this is already dead, doctor,” they say to me. They say, “It’s not dead. There.”

Amanda Testa: Mm-hmm.

Tâmara Castelo: You have to touch it. You have to move it.

Amanda Testa: Activate it.

Tâmara Castelo: You have to want it. Yeah, it’s there, you just have to touch the buttons. Put on, and then do it every day just for five minutes. “I know you're there. Hi. Let’s move.” You don't have to do nothing. Just be aware. Be connected. It’s the connection, that’s the problem.

Amanda Testa: Yes, yes.

30:13

Tâmara Castelo: People don't find time just to call somebody they love. They don't find time to connect with themselves. It’s difficult. It’s complicated.

Amanda Testa: Yes.

Tâmara Castelo: A lot of people are talking about it, so eventually to come in. [Laughs]

Amanda Testa: Yes, and I think, too, it’s a good practice. That’s one of the reasons I started a pleasure membership is so a couple times a month you get together, you learn the practices, you do them together, then you can go home and do them on your own, right?

Tâmara Castelo: Yeah.

Amanda Testa: Because it’s so important. I love that so much. And it’s fun. Like you say, once you get the hang of them, once you learn them, once you do them for a while, then they just become part of your routine. You just do them when you don't think about it as much anymore, right?

Tâmara Castelo: Yeah, 21 days is all it takes to get a habit. So, I think it’s just like that, though. And then when you do it, it’s really cool. People are like, “Ah, you know!” I say, “Good for you!” [Laughs]

Amanda Testa: Yay!

31:08

Tâmara Castelo: “It’s good actually,” they say. “And I don't remember my breath, and I don't remember --,” and I said beautiful because it’s part of life, you know? And it’s a grip of life, and pleasure is really important in these times because it’s one of the tools that don't require medicine, that don't require nothing. It’s a natural antidepressant. It lowers cortisol, puts your blood flowing, lowers hypertension, gets your sleep better, allows your brain to think better. All of it’s important.

Amanda Testa: Yeah, I’m wondering, too, just speaking to one of the things that I’m curious about as well is you mention sleep quite a few times, and I know oftentimes that can be such a challenging thing, and I love the couple of rituals that you shared that you do at night, but I’m wondering if maybe there’s one more great ritual that you love to do to really enhance a good night’s sleep.

Tâmara Castelo: Yeah, they don't like my night rituals, people.

Amanda Testa: [Laughs]

Tâmara Castelo: Yeah, they don't like it. They don't like it because they don't like my time schedule at night, but I will share it, but they don't like it. [Laughs]

Amanda Testa: Yes, let’s hear.

32:13

Tâmara Castelo: So, it’s important. First thing: you have to be in bed early. So, early, let’s define it. If you wake up at 7:00 AM, you have to be at bed at least at 9:30. They don't like it because it’s early. If you want to sleep, you have to think of sleep like you're in a train station. So, if you get that train, the train of 9:30, you’ll get through until 7:00, and then if you don't get the train, the other trains are only at 1:00 AM, and the trains are always stopping. You know that train that’s always stopping in the -- yeah, so I say to patients, “Well, but you don't get yawning at any time?” “Oh, yeah, I get like 9:00. Oh, but at 9:00, I have a lot to do,” and I said, “Well, when you get yawning, your body is telling you, “Get to bed!” So you need a ritual for that. You just need to listen to your yawning.” Just like that.

33:14

But yawning aside, this is an important part because your body will tell you when they want to sleep, even if you disagree. Normally, it will tell you. You start yawning one time, yawning two times, and it was telling you, “Man, I’m tired. I need to go to bed,” and sometimes it’s 9:00. Sometimes it’s 9:15. Sometimes it’s 8:30. You don't like it, but sometimes it’s needed. It needs to sleep. Your brain needs to sleep, and it’s telling you, “I need to sleep, man! I need to sleep,” and you have to go to sleep. You have to respect your body. It’s the only body you have, so this is important.

Amanda Testa: Mm-hmm.

Tâmara Castelo: But if you’re missing that train, there are some things you can do. One of my favorite things in the world is soaking the feet in hot, hot water. It’s not the same as taking a bath. Please, the important thing is to make sure that one part of the body is more cold and another part of the body is more warm.

34:10

So, taking a shower is not the same thing. So, soaking your feet with really hot, hot water with a lot of salts (food salt, normal salt) with the music, lower the lights for about ten minutes, and breathe only through your nose (in and out, mouth closed). This will help you a lot, but you should take the first train. It’s more efficient.

Amanda Testa: I love that. Even while you were saying it, I was just visualizing myself. I love going to bed. I love it.

Tâmara Castelo: Me too! I yawn at 9:00, and I say to my kids, “I’m going. I’m yawning. I’m sorry.” “No, mama! I’m still doing this!” “Ciao! I’m going! I’m going!” I’m not losing my train, otherwise I don't sleep. So, sleep, for me, is my most sacred thing in the world.

Amanda Testa: Yes.

Tâmara Castelo: Like, I cannot -- nobody messes with my sleep.

Amanda Testa: I love that.

Tâmara Castelo: I’m terrible. Yeah, for me, it’s sacred.

35:05

Amanda Testa: I think that’s good to note, too, for the people listening who might have kids or might have other people in the family. How can you set that boundary that they will respect you doing what you need to do for yourself?

Tâmara Castelo: Oh! Oh, “No, ciao.”

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Tâmara Castelo: Listen, I have two kids. My boyfriend has three kids. So, there are five kids. For me, it’s, “Ciao. I tried to put you to bed one hour ago. I tried. I tried to tell you the story, to put you to bed, to give you a good night’s sleep and kiss. You don't want it? Okay, so now I’m going to bed.” “No, mommy!” “Sorry, I love you. Mwah! Going,” and I go. I’m terrible. With my sleep, I’m terrible. I’m terrible because if I don't sleep, I’m aging bad, I’m doing a mass out of my brain, and I need to think because I’m a doctor, so I have a lot of people to do tomorrow and I have a lot of things to do.

Amanda Testa: Yes!

36:00

Tâmara Castelo: And I like being well in my brains. I like to think straight. I want to get my emotional health okay. I suffered from anxiety a lot, so I will not do it again. I’m okay. I do it once. I will not repeat it ever again, please. So, I maintain my health by sleeping a lot and respecting my boundaries. So, if my kids want a good mother, a good mother is a sleeping mother, not a non-sleeping mother. A non-sleeping mother is a mother that will yell, will not have the patience, will not have the tolerance, will not have the pleasure, will not be fun, will not be a laughing mother. I don't like to be that person.

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Tâmara Castelo: So, sometimes to not be that person I have to set boundaries. They already know. So, they know -- actually they said to me, “Mommy it’s 9:00. Maybe I should go to bed.” I said, “Maybe you should go to bed. Yeah.” Now they learn. Even my dog is sleeping. He knows. He knows, man. He knows!

Amanda Testa: [Laughs] Yes, I love that.

Tâmara Castelo: So, it’s important for you to explain to the kids, “I need to sleep because I want to wake up tomorrow and be okay with myself and be good with my anxiety,” and they understand, and you have to sleep, you know? I explain to them a lot of stories. I do a lot of research for my book, and one of the research I did was about sleeping, in adolescence and with kids. I was telling to my eldest kid, I was telling her, “You know that they did a study that average of the grades of the people who sleep 2 more hours than the others were 35% more just by sleeping because the power of concentration, memorization was double, just by sleeping two hours more. That’s the difference between going to bed at 8:00 or going to bed at 10:00. It doesn't seem like much, but it’s the difference between entering medical school or no. It’s a difference from defining your future just by sleeping.”

Amanda Testa: Yeah, that’s pretty powerful.

Tâmara Castelo: So, it's crazy. Yeah!

Amanda Testa: [Laughs]

38:10

Tâmara Castelo: So, I explain that to them. No, I love my children, but I explain them, then, like I do to my patients, the implications. Then they understand, they do it normally. Actually my eldest sometimes tell me. She wakes up. “Ma,” and I will always take her to school, and she said to me, “Today I’m going to bed at 8:30,” and I said, “Why?” “Tomorrow I have my chemistry exam, so today I’m going to bed at 8:30 to sleep well, like 11 hours, like my brains will be perfect tomorrow.” So, she uses the hack, and it worked!

Amanda Testa: Uh-huh.

Tâmara Castelo: So, yeah, you have to explain to them, and then they like boundaries.

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Tâmara Castelo: I love boundaries.

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Tâmara Castelo: It’s an act of love.

Amanda Testa: Right, it’s so true. I think I remember reading some study about kids, and they did a study of the caregiver and the kids, and in one environment they were just in an open field, and they could just run and do whatever they want, but the kids tend to just stay close to the caregiver. And then, alternatively, when they were in a fenced park, the kids were all running around and doing their thing. [Laughs] They liked that little bit of boundary, right?

39:23

Tâmara Castelo: Boundary is important. It’s caring for oneself and for the other.

Amanda Testa: Yeah, and I think that’s an important thing to note because, especially with regards to our health and wellbeing, there are so many people that are just giving and giving and don’t set that boundary, and then they find themselves sick or ill or all the things.

Tâmara Castelo: Yeah, and then they are explaining to their kids by doing that that that’s normal, so they're perpetuating sickness, which is terrible. It’s terrible education.

Amanda Testa: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Tâmara Castelo: Boundaries are important.

40:00

Amanda Testa: The key of boundaries, yes. Well, I’m wondering, too, I feel like I just love all your wisdom and you’re sharing such amazing, digestible tips that are so important. I’m wondering, too, maybe if there’s a question that you wished that I would have asked that I didn't ask or any other things that you feel are important to share?

Tâmara Castelo: No, I think it’s cool. For now I’m okay.

Amanda Testa: Yeah.

Tâmara Castelo: I think it’s cool. I think the main thing is maybe one thing, I think. For maintaining good health, I’m crazy about sleep. I’m crazy. I’m obsessed. So, sleeping is important. Eight hours don't work for everybody, so sometimes it’s 9. Sometimes it’s 9:30. It depends. You have to know yourself to understand. So, give time to know yourself, to understand how many hours you do need. That’s important. If you are an adult, you should know it by now. Know it. You have to know it. If you don't know it, you should take a weekend off just to see, “How do I feel with that 9 hours? How do I feel with 9:30? How do I feel with 8:30?” Just to see what’s your normal time.

41:08

The other thing that’s really important: take five minutes for yourself every day, please. That’s important to maintain health and maintain grounded and with yourself and with your purpose because lack of purpose is the main issue for depression. So, connection is important.

Amanda Testa: Thank you so much.

Tâmara Castelo: Thank you!

Amanda Testa: Yes, I’m wondering, too, if you can share with everyone where to connect with you and where they can find your book and all the good things.

Tâmara Castelo: Okay, so, in my website it’s www.tamara-castelo.com, and then Instagram: @tamara__castelo without any accents.

Amanda Testa: Yes, and I’ll also make sure to put everything in the show notes --

Tâmara Castelo: Thank you!

Amanda Testa: -- so that you can find it there.

Tâmara Castelo: Okay, thanks!

Amanda Testa: Thank you so much again for being here!

Tâmara Castelo: Thank you!

Amanda Testa: Thank you all for listening. We will see you next time!
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42:03

Thank you for listening to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast! If you loved this episode, please go ahead and forward it right now to someone who you know would love it, and if you’ve not yet had a chance to leave us a rave review on Apple Podcasts, please make sure you rate and review if you enjoyed the podcast as well as make sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Thanks for listening, and we’ll see you next week!

[Fun, Empowering Music]

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

Railey Molinario, a renowned Love Educator & Relationship Coach, empowers individuals to live fulfilling lives through her teachings on relationship intelligence. 

With a remarkable journey from abandonment at birth to a six-figure boss, Railey has gained recognition and has been featured on prominent platforms such as the BBC, Peanut, Medium, and Sovereign magazine. As a respected leader in the industry, Railey provides the world with the skills and knowledge needed to cultivate thriving relationships and lives. 

Her signature program, the Power Couple PhD, utilizes her proven formula to guide couples to build long-lasting, thriving relationships.

Stay connected with Railey here:

https://www.raileymolinario.com

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EPISODE 254: Relationships with Railey Molinario


[Fun, Empowering Music]

Amanda Testa: Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a sex, love, and relationship coach, and in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex, love, and relationships, and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome!

_______

Hey, what’s up? It’s Amanda! If you're enjoying this pod, and you know you are ready to say yes to more pleasure, and you are just wanting to know, “How the hell do I do it,” well, you are in luck because as of now, we have spots available in The Pleasure Foundation which is my pleasure membership where twice a month you get an amazing practice that teaches you how to tap into your body, to become more connected to yourself, and to learn the art of sacred self-care. So, if this is something you're interested in, go to www.amandatesta.com/tpf (as in The Pleasure Foundation) and we will see you there!

_______

1:00

Welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast! This is your host Amanda Testa, and I’m so excited for my guest today because we are going to be diving into, really, the key for a healthy, holistic relationship and what that really takes. We’re gonna be talking about all kinds of good things like relationship intelligence, some fallacies and myths out there about what constitutes a good relationship and how you should show up to please your partner or to create these “roles” that we’ve been taught and conditioned that we think are normal, which sometimes I like to say a lot of the times, things might be very common, but that doesn't mean they're normal.

Also what I love about my guest today is her mission is to provide the world with the effective tools and techniques that most lack so we may become a more empowered society equipped with understanding compassion and connectedness. And that is so beautiful. So, I’m super thrilled to introduce you to Railey Molinario. Welcome! Railey, thank you for being here!

2:02

Railey Molinario: Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate the work that you do, and it’s such an honor to be a part of it, so thank you.

Amanda Testa: Same, and I just want to also just celebrate you and all of the important work that you're up to. One of the things I would love, too, if you are open to sharing a little bit more about kind of what led you to be so passionate about the work that you do.

Railey Molinario: Absolutely. So, I was abandoned by my father when I was an infant and left to sleep in the snow. The beginning of my life was very love-voidant, I say. I, then, grew up with my mother and my stepfather in this extremely abusive and neglectful household. There was a lot of yelling and screaming and beating. My mother ended up becoming in a financially abusive relationship. She was the stay-at-home mom with three kids, and there was no way for us to get out and survive on our own. So, it took a really long time for her to get out of that situation.

2:56

Then, when we left my stepfather’s house, we were on our own, and we struggled. And because of the trauma that she experienced, she became a very traumatized parent which, then, passed onto me. It got to the point where it was too much. At 16 years old, I decided to leave and try to make it in the world on my own. Although I left the place that I had grown up in, I took all that trauma with me. And so, I excelled greatly in school. I was able to get into university. I had a house and a car, so I was extremely academically smart and street smart. I was able to take care of myself and excel in school, but I realized that there was something else missing.

And it got so bad with the depression and the anxiety that one day I said, “Enough is enough. I can't do this anymore. I’m going to take my life.” So, I went to a hotel room, and I decided that that is what I was going to do, but just before making that decision I asked myself, “Do I actually want to die, or do I want the suffering to end?”

4:00

And in that moment, I realized that those are two different things, that if I could create a life for myself where I was happy and connected and proud of the person that I was, and able to love myself and love other people, that’s an experience that I wanted to have. So, although I had the book smarts and the street smarts, the thing that I realized that was missing was relationship intelligence. I didn't know what it was called then, but I knew it was the love for myself and the love for the life that I had.

On this journey of self-discovery, I researched a lot of different ideas and theories about relationships, self-love, self-development, and along this journey, I realized I’m not the only one, that so many of us are suffering because of the detrimental relationships that we have with ourselves that show up with anxiety, depression, mental health conditions, and the relationships we have with other people, broken homes, broken relationships, messy divorces.

5:00

And so, once I was able to get to the point where I was extremely proud of the life that I created, I said to myself, “I need to share this with other people,” because so many of us are continuing the trauma cycles. We’re continuing to pass down really bad habits and ideas of what relationships should look like, and so many modern-day couples are suffering because we’ve gone through a shift in society. We now have more freedom than ever to choose who we want to be and who we want to be in a relationship with. But with this freedom comes a responsibility to know what we’re doing, to understand that relationships are not based on love, they are based on love plus relationship intelligence.

Amanda Testa: I love that so much, and I’m curious for you, when it comes to relationship intelligence, first of all, let’s just take a minute and reflect on your journey as well. I’m curious what, obviously, is this moment that when you came to make that decision of, “Do I want to end the suffering,” that was the answer. But also, what do you think that was able to help you kind of break the generational cycles of trauma?

6:08

What else do you think supported you in that (if you're okay talking about that, and, of course, you don't have to if you don't want to).

Railey Molinario: Yeah, trauma took many years to overcome, many, many years. [Laughs] And it included many, many things. It wasn't just one thing. When you're an adult of childhood trauma, you don't realize exactly how much it’s affected you. So, that was the first thing. It was recognizing the parts of me that were damaged because I didn't even have a clue. When I was in relationships and I got upset, I would scream, and I would throw things. When I was by myself and I had an anxiety fit, I would throw things. Throwing things is the best feeling in the world. [Laughs] Now, we have these places that you can go, and you pay to break things. We didn't have that back then, but I didn't realize that these were toxic behaviors, that I was hurting myself, I was hurting other people. For me, it was just normal.

7:04

So, the first thing that I had to do was to try to understand what’s wrong with me. I know that I’m miserable. I know that I’m depressed. I know that I want to end my life. But I’m not exactly sure why. I don't understand why I’m so angry and how to change that, so I really didn't know what I was doing. I never heard positive reinforcement as a child, and that was one thing that I did recognize, that the tape in my head was extremely toxic. I was always negative, always pessimistic, always angry. And so, I said, “I don't really know what to do, but I’m gonna find someone who does.”

And so, I started listening to motivational videos by Liz Brown and Tony Robbins and trying to get that tape to tell me something different, to tell me that I am good enough, that it’s not over until I win, that I can be anything and I can do anything.

8:00

That was really the first step, and then from there, it was really a mixture of so many things. I read tons of books. I practiced meditation. I started getting into yoga practice. I changed my diet. I became vegan. I started to shape my world based on my values system because before I didn't even have one. I didn't know what that meant. So, I started to create values for myself (compassion, understanding, peace, connectedness), and I just took baby step after baby step, and it took me over 12 years, really, to get to the point where I said, “Okay, I’m actually healed from this.” So, it’s not one thing. It’s a combination of so many different things and different experiences.

Amanda Testa: Thank you for sharing that because I think it’s just good for the listeners to understand there are so many things, that I feel like it is a journey, but it’s a constant awareness of -- I love how one of my mentors calls trauma an embodied violation hangover, right?

9:02

It happened in the past, but also, too, there are cultural and collective things that are still affecting people today. So, it’s learning to really plump up that blueprint of health at your root, the part of you that’s gonna win no matter what or I loved what you said earlier. But it’s like really finding the health within you and plumping that up so that you can handle all the challenges that will still come across the path, right?

I’m curious for you, too, how relationship intelligence, what that means to you and how that supports you too.

Railey Molinario: Yes, relationship intelligence is the ability for us to navigate our relationships successfully. So, when we’re in a romantic relationship, for example, most of the time we focus on love because we are a love-obsessed culture. The movies and the music and the poetry, it’s all about love, “I want to fall in love.” But love is a sense of deep affection for someone. It’s an emotion, at least according to scientists in the Oxford Dictionary.

9:59

So, it’s important to understand that the feeling and emotional connection you have with someone by itself isn't enough to create a successful relationship, and we know this because we’ve been in love most of the time at least once, sometimes twice, sometimes three times. But it doesn't mean that we’ve had thriving relationships without fighting, without negativity, without resentment, without defensiveness. So, those can be two different things. So, relationship intelligence is taking that love and doing something with it, creating something out of it.

So, for the first two pillars, it’s self-awareness and self-management which is really loving yourself and understanding what that looks like. So, if I feel frustrated, I need to practice that self-awareness and say, “I’m feeling frustrated.” And the quicker I can do that, the more self-aware I am, and the faster I can respond to that frustration because I might not be able to control what happens to me, but I have 100% control of how I respond.

11:07

So, the response to that frustration is self-management. I was really bad at this. When I got frustrated, I would throw things, I would yell, I would cry, I would do the angry texts with everything in capital letters. It was really bad because I didn't recognize just because I’m frustrated doesn't mean I have to do these things. I have a choice, and if I recognize in that second that there is a choice, and I can go to something that is going to benefit me as opposed to something that’s going to harm me, that can change everything.

So, that is the first pillar. It’s that relationship with yourself. Having your values system very clear, recognizing your emotions as you go throughout your day and in your week and your month, and then responding to those based on that values system in order to take steps closer and closer to that life that you want to create for yourself.

12:01

The second part is the relationship. So, me and my partner, me and my friend, me and my mom, me and my coworker. So, in a relationship, for example, the relationship awareness is being aware of what’s working, what’s not working, what do we need to learn, what do we need to improve, and sort of understanding the vibe in the relationship and the vibe within your partner. You know, “How is my partner doing? Have they had a long day? Are they upset? Is something going on?” It’s not being a mind-reader, but it’s having that intuition of how they feel. And then the relationship management is, “What am I going to do about it?”

So, if you have differences of opinion, for example, or you have a disagreement, the relationship management, “What am I going to do about it,” a lot of people go straight into fighting, right? They go straight into conflict, and they start to have the defensiveness and the criticism and all of that stuff, not recognizing, “Oh, I have a choice as to how I respond. My partner said something. It made me sad, or I feel disappointed in what they say,” or whatever that emotion is, “but I get to choose how I respond. Can I sit them down and tell them how I feel? Can we work through this in a calm and collected manner?” There’s a choice there.

13:18

So, managing your relationships, that relationship with yourself, that relationship with your partner, your friends, your family, it really changes everything. We now understand that the quality of our life is dependent upon the quality of our relationships. Relationship intelligence will really change your life once you understand how it works.

Amanda Testa: I’m curious to that because a lot of people out there -- the arguing, that’s a really common thing that happens with couples, right? Not being open to feeling their emotions, not wanting to, not wanting to think before they react or, like you mentioned earlier, it feels really good when you want to just release, and it’s also very harmful. So, I’m curious. Maybe is there a tool or something that you could share for people that might struggle with that, where they could pause and help them to be able to realize there is a choice when sometimes it doesn't necessarily feel like there’s that urgency in all those responses. So, maybe a technique that could help in that situation.

14:19

Railey Molinario: Yes, so, if people are mid-fight, let’s say -- if you get into a fight with your partner, and you're mid-fight, and you start to feel yourself get a little bit too frustrated. Your heart starts beating, your breath is shallow, there is something called effective pausing. So, we don't want to continue in that argument because it’s not going to be productive. Fighting is not productive. So, if you feel yourself in that moment get too upset that you can't calm yourself down, you can do effective pausing.

Step one is you look at your partner in their eyes. We read empathy through each other’s eyes and the micromovements we make with our face, so we look at our partner in the eyes. We can put our hand on their knee or on their shoulder and say to them, I’m feeling overwhelmed. I need a break. I’m feeling too upset. I want to take a break. I want a timeout.”

15:16

And then you tell them where you're going or how long you're going to be gone for. So, we’re not just walking out of the room, slamming the door, and never coming back, right? We want to tell them, “I need five minutes,” or, “Can we pick this back up tomorrow,” or, “I’m gonna go for a walk and calm down,” right? So, you want to give them sort of an idea of how long that’s going to be or what that’s going to look like.

The third step is that if you are the one to walk away, you have to be the one to come back, because this idea that, “I’m gonna go walk away, I’m gonna go in my room, I’m gonna go under the covers and wait for you to run after me,” this is not healthy behavior. [Laughs] So, it’s okay to take a pause if we do it in the right way.

​​16:01

Amanda Testa: Yeah, I think that’s so helpful because so often just these simple -- well, they're not simple, right? They're easy, but not necessarily simple. You’ve got to practice them, but just giving yourself that gift of taking a break or if you are -- because I think a lot of times in relationships, there are a lot of times one partner is more of the peacemaker, so to speak, or there’s one partner who might be a little more quick to anger or whatnot. So, it’s like kind of tuning in, like you said earlier, of just to know yourself and what you need so you can tune in and, when you're starting to feel that, do something about it. Even if it’s you're not the one that’s getting upset, you can still ask for the break, right?

Railey Molinario: Absolutely. Absolutely, and it’s okay to break. It’s better to have a productive conversion, you know? I call it effective communication. Communication, a lot of people get confused because they think it’s, “Well, if we’re talking, we’re communicating.” Absolutely not. Those are two different things, right? You have to understand how communication works, and if it’s not effective, then you're not doing yourself any justice.

17:06

Amanda Testa: That’s so true, and I think people oftentimes -- like you say, one of the things I’ve noticed in my work working with couples is, oftentimes, people are not very good at listening to one another. [Laughs]

Railey Molinario: It’s worse than we all think. It is worse than we all think because people think, “I can hear you, so then I’m listening.” Absolutely not. In effective conversations, you have one speaker and one listener. The speaker is the easier of the two jobs, but even then we need to improve.

So, a speaker’s job is to speak lovingly, directly, honestly, and in a respectful, calm manner. This is difficult when we get frustrated, right, because we want to tell you how we feel. [Laughs] But it’s still the easier of the two jobs.

The job of the listener is definitely the harder of the two, and the job of the listener is not to hear you because I can hear you. I have ears. I can hear you.

18:03

It’s to practice active listening, and this is very difficult for people to do in stressful situations. When you're active listening, we are listening with the intent to understand. If you're telling me that the sky is green, I can practice that active listening, and I can understand what it is that you're telling me. Now, I can disagree. I can have my own opinion. That’s perfectly okay, but a lot of times people say, “I don't understand you. I don't understand why you would do that,” or, “You don't understand me.” We can wipe out understanding like that because understanding simply means that I’m comprehending what it is that you're saying. You can have your opinion and your point of view and your perspective, and I can have mine, and that’s okay. There’s no misunderstanding. We just see two sides of the spectrum. But we can work with that. That's when we start to do brainstorming, compromise, and negotiation. But at least we are understanding we’re on the same page as far as comprehending what the other person is experiencing.

19:06

The second part of active listening, which I think is the most difficult part -- so we have listening with the intent to understand and the second part to that which is even deeper and even more difficult is accepting what your partner is saying as truth. That is really hard because if I accept what you're saying as truth, that means, “I agree with you, and I don't agree with you because I did take out the trash. You said I didn't, and I did, so I can't accept that.” But you have to accept, if you're in a relationship with someone that you trust -- if you don't trust them, it’s a different podcast, not for today -- but if you trust them, you trust and you accept that this is what their perspective is, or this is what they are believing at the moment. People make mistakes. People are misinformed. That’s okay. It's not the end of the world, but at least for this moment, this is what your partner is feeling and seeing and hearing, and you have to accept that that is where they are.

20:01

Amanda Testa: Yes, and I think these are great things to practice in your relationship, and with any relationship, right? And especially in this day and age, everyone has got such a short attention span and can be so easily distracted by devices or whatnot, so just being able to offer that presence to your partner or whoever you're with (your kid, your family member, your friend) is huge, and that’s what I think people want is that being seen, right?

So, I’m curious kind of to shift gears a little bit here because we were talking before we started recording about a lot of the information out there (or maybe misinformation, I’ll say) just about the kind of roles people play in relationships, and I think it goes with communication too because you’ll hear things like, “Well, this type of person is always angry, and that’s okay,” or, “This type of person is gonna be shut down, and that’s okay,” and whatever. Everybody has their own personality styles, and that’s one thing, and the different way they communicate. But it’s like learning these skills of relationship intelligence, learning these skills of communication and listening, these are all important things, but also just kind of being aware of what we’re being fed and how it can be harmful. So, I would love if maybe you could share a little bit more about that if you don't mind.

21:15

Railey Molinario: Yes. It is extremely important to understand that relationship intelligence is for everyone because humans, at our core, we have the same basic human needs. We want to feel seen and heard, understood, respected, loved, safe. Everyone wants that. Now, it might show up in different ways, but we all want the same thing. So, relationship intelligence works regardless of whether you're in an open relationship or a closed one, if you have children or don't want them, if you are in an interracial relationship, if you are travelers or home bodies. It is for everyone, and right now, we’re focusing so much of our attention on what is the right relationship dynamic. “We should have only heterosexual relationships. A relationship should be closed. It should be open. You have to have children. A woman should be submissive. A man should do this.”

22:12

The thing is that we live in a time, and we are so lucky and so blessed that we get to choose. There is no right or wrong. Whatever you want to do, you can do that. If you master relationship intelligence, and you navigate whatever dynamic you have, it will work. Right now, we have way too much pressure on people to do the right thing as in, “Your relationship has to look like this,” and there is so much pushback when people say, “Well, I don't want that. That doesn't work for me.” “Well, you have to have it because it’s the right thing to do.” “According to who?” There are a lot of people right now because we’re sort of at this time where there are two polar opposites. You have the traditionalists, and you have the progressives.

22:59

So, the traditionalists say, “A relationship is between a man and a woman. The man goes out and makes the money. The woman stays home and cooks and cleans, and she’s submissive to her husband. They are going to get married, and they are going to have kids,” more or less. And then you have the progressives who say, “A relationship can be whatever you want. We can have three people in a relationship. Gender doesn't matter and race doesn't matter, and religion doesn't matter.” And then you have people sort of in between, but the reality is, you get to choose. It really doesn't matter because when it comes to the success or failure of your relationship, it has nothing to do with race, it has nothing to do with gender, it has nothing to do with who’s doing the cooking or who’s doing the cleaning. None of that matters when it comes to the success of the relationship. You can be who you want, and you can be with who you want as long as you navigate that relationship in the right way. That’s what really matters.

I think as far as what we’re being fed, we see the TV, we see the movies, we listen to the music, we read the poetry, we see the art, all of these things. We have to understand that these were made for entertainment purposes only, okay?

24:07

We do have some documentaries in there that may portray some more realistic viewpoints, but most of what we’re consuming is entertainment, and because we don't get this education from our parents, we don't get it from school, we sort of rely on social media and movies and music and all of this stuff to tell us what we should and shouldn't be doing because we don't know who else to ask. And then what we do is we go online, we go in forums, we ask friends, we ask family members who probably don't have better relationships than we do, so we’re really getting bad advice, spreading really bad information, and we don't even realize what we’re doing.

So, that’s why we’re working on, now, to get relationship intelligence into the school systems because there’s no reason why I should be talking to someone who’s 40, 50 years old who can't name me more than five emotions, you know? I’ve worked with people, and I ask them, “How are you? How do you feel?” “I’m happy. I’m sad.” That’s it.

25:10

Or they don't understand how to communicate. They don't understand the art of compromise. They don't understand that before you get into a relationship, you can be whoever you want to be, but you have to make sure that your partner is compatible with you, right? [Laughs] So, we don't think about these things. We don't go through this process. We look for a partner that we’re attracted to. We fall in love, and we think, “Okay, well, that’s it,” and we’re really doing ourselves a disservice because we don't know what it is that we’re doing, and we’re failing, not because we’re bad people, not because we enjoy suffering, but because the system has set us up for failure, and that education isn't in there. And so, hopefully, I can be a little bit of that for some people.

Amanda Testa: Yes, that is just so important because these are skills that most of us never learned, right? And if we weren’t modeled it, then how are we gonna know it? And also, it’s just like you were saying. Our culture sets us up to fail. There’s not support. There’s not the education, you know?

26:11

I’m grateful I live in Denver, Colorado, and my kiddo goes to DPS (Denver Public Schools), and thankfully, it’s a progressive school system. And so, they have a lot of good things going on in there, and her school, I remember in kindergarten, she brought home a body-mapping sheet, which I was like, “This is amazing!”

Railey Molinario: [Laughs]

Amanda Testa: If I had only learned this when I was in kindergarten, holy moly! I mean, that blew my mind. I was like that’s pretty amazing because there are plenty of adults out there that don't know just what that means. Basically, when you're looking at the body map, it’s like, “Well, I feel angry,” or, “What does that feel like in your body? Where do you notice it? How’s it showing up?” Just kind of making the connection of what emotions are and how they can show up in your body and being, and just that kind of thing is so key because even from schooling, oftentimes, we’re disconnected from our body’s impulses like you can't go to the bathroom when you need, you can't drink water when you need, you can't eat when you need. You're on a schedule, and that is not necessarily what our body’s internal signals are telling us, so we, even from a young age, turn those off.

27:18

So, just to say it, I feel like this is something that really could improve big time, right?

Railey Molinario: Absolutely.

Amanda Testa: But it’s never too late to learn, and that’s what I love about this podcast and talking about relationships and talking about -- because everything -- there’s learned skills, right? These are learned skills. And so, when you can seek out some new information and practice it, it really makes a huge difference in your relationship, right?

Railey Molinario: Absolutely. It definitely can be learned at any stage. I’m hoping that we start to learn it as early as possible. You know, when I explain to people the coaching program that I have and the tools that I have to give them, I explain to them very clearly that relationship intelligence is very complex, but it’s also very simple in a sense that when I explain these concepts to you, there’s not going to be anything that you don't understand. I can teach this to a five-year-old because they're very basic concepts, and people do understand. The difficulty comes in the practice, right? Because I can teach you how to do a jumping jack, but for you to lose 20 pounds, that’s on you. You have to do it every day. You have to actually practice it.

28:28

So, the concepts are very simple, but they take dedication, and they take hard work, and they take the willingness to change those bad habits, and they take the willingness to say, “I’m worth it. My life is worth it,” because it’s not just about romance and red roses with your partner. We’re talking about ending generational trauma, ending generational poverty, ending generational ignorance so that we don't pass this down to our children and we don't create a future that is completely disconnected to their emotions, which, then, make them make bad decisions, which is not based on a values system but based on what society tells us is important, and this is really important.

29:13

There are so many people that think, “Oh, well, emotions, they're for girls,” or, “I don't have time to think about my emotions because I have a business to run.” They think that emotions are just sort of this frivolous thing, “I don't want to talk about it. It sounds like something you talk about in therapy.” But we don't understand that our entire lives are based on our emotions, and we’re so obsessed now with wealth and cars and big houses and everything you see on social media. I say get whatever house, car, bag you want. You get to choose. Again, there’s nothing wrong with having money and material things. If that’s what you want, you go for it. But there are a lot of people who have that, and they are miserable, and they kill themselves. We see it time and time again of these celebrities who are taking their lives.

30:07

So, create your business and travel the world and have fancy things and do whatever it is that you want, but at your core, you have to really be connected to yourself and connected to other people because if you only have those material things, you're going to feel that emptiness inside, and life is going to seem pointless.

Amanda Testa: Thank you for sharing that because it is so true. At the core of everything is connection. We all are connected. We are all a living organism sharing this earth, and there’s a lot that, when we have this relationship intelligence, I think it makes a difference in how you just show up to your life, to your community, to people that surround you. It makes a difference, a huge difference. Yeah, thank you for that.

I’m curious, too. I feel like I could just keep talking to you, but I ‘m curious if there’s a question that you wished that I would have asked that I didn't ask or any last thought you want to make sure to share with the listeners today?

31:05

Railey Molinario: Yes, I would say the first thing that I try to get people to understand is that these thriving relationships are 100% possible because, again, we’ve been sucked into this belief that a normal human being has a little bit of happiness, a little bit of sadness, a little bit of joy, and a little bit of misery, but we have to recognize that the misery and the disappointment and the frustration are there as warning signs. So, when you feel frustrated and sad and angry, those are warning -- it’s like a bell going off saying, “Pay attention! Pay attention! Something is out of alignment.” That is okay, but we can use that to, then, take action that will change our life. But if we sit in the misery, if we sit in the disappointment, if we sit in the frustration, that is going to lead us to failure. It’s going to lead us to a life that isn't joyful, that isn't happy.

32:05

So, when we recognize those emotions, the question is, “What are you going to do about it?” And when we’re talking about relationships with our partner, with our family, with our friends, as you said, normal simply means that most people are doing it, but, again, most people are suffering. So, we don't necessarily want to do what most people are doing. That mindset shift and understanding that you can have a relationship without fighting, it does exist, because if you learn a technique to calmly and lovingly work through your problems in a right way using compromise, negotiation, and all of these things, you can have that. You can have an amazing life. You can create the life of your dreams. You just have to learn how to do it.

Amanda Testa: Yes, ah, well, I’m wondering if you would be open to just sharing where people can connect with you if they want to learn more or if they want to work with you. What’s the best way to reach out?

33:01

Railey Molinario: Yes, I am on Instagram and Facebook. It’s just @raileymolinario. So, as long as you spell my name right, you will find me. [Laughs] You can always just shoot me a message. I have an open-door policy. If you have a question or comment, just message me on either one of those platforms, and then always raileymolinario.com. I do run a consistent contest on my website where you can enter to win one free month of relationship coaching. So, if you go to www.raileymolinario.com, you can enter to win there, and there are tons of free tools and techniques for you to use.

Amanda Testa: Beautiful. Well, thank you so much for being here. And for those listening, I will make sure to put how you can connect with Railey and all that good stuff in the show notes. And thank you so much again for being here and sharing your wisdom, and I really appreciate it. I think this is just such an important topic, so thank you!

Railey Molinario: Thank you!

Amanda Testa: Thank you all for listening, and we’ll see you next week!
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34:00

Thank you for listening to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast! If you loved this episode, please go ahead and forward it right now to someone who you know would love it, and if you’ve not yet had a chance to leave us a rave review on Apple Podcasts, please make sure you rate and review if you enjoyed the podcast as well as make sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Thanks for listening, and we’ll see you next week!

[Fun, Empowering Music]

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

Amanda Testa is a trusted healer, coach, and guide who’s served hundreds of clients over the years with masterful skills in coaching, pleasure embodiment, and somatic trauma resolution.

After thousands of hours of training in trauma informed sex and relationship coaching, tantric sex coaching, energy healing, somatic trauma resolution, breathwork, yoni egg coaching and more, she’s seen time and time again the magic and wisdom of our bodies.

We all have the ability to return to our blueprint of health, aliveness, pleasure and sovereignty, and you can too.

With her powerful, loving and gentle support her clients find their desire and pleasure again, find safety and bliss in their bodies, and remember they are enough just as they are.

Find out more about her new monthly Pleasure Membership HERE.

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EPISODE 253: Long Lost Friend


[Fun, Empowering Music]

Amanda Testa: Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a sex, love, and relationship coach, and in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex, love, and relationships, and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome!

_______

Hey, what’s up? It’s Amanda! If you're enjoying this pod, and you know you are ready to say yes to more pleasure, and you are just wanting to know, “How the hell do I do it,” well, you are in luck because as of now, we have spots available in The Pleasure Foundation which is my pleasure membership where twice a month you get an amazing practice that teaches you how to tap into your body, to become more connected to yourself, and to learn the art of sacred self-care. So, if this is something you're interested in, go to www.amandatesta.com/tpf (as in The Pleasure Foundation) and we will see you there!

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1:00

Welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast! I’m your host, Amanda Testa, and you know that feeling when you see a friend that you haven't seen in forever, and you have that special connection, like once you’re in each other’s presence, it’s like no time has passed, and you pick up right where you left off. Oh, my gosh, I love that so much.

The other day, I was meeting up with my friend, and I haven't seen her in a couple of years because COVID and they moved and all kinds of things, but just a dear, dear friend, and I adore them so much. But, you know how it is. Life, family, COVID, all these things can really take their toll on your free time and the ability to connect with those you love. So, we met at a coffee shop, and I just remember when I saw her and her beaming, beautiful, glowing, smiling face, ah, it just lit up my own body and being, and I felt so happy to see her and just hug her. It was amazing to reconnect like no time has passed. You pick up right where you left off. I love that kind of thing.

2:00

I invite you just now even just to take a moment and just notice that feeling that you get when you see that long lost friend who you love, when you have that opportunity to just feel that joy radiate out of your heart. Ah, for me I just notice this warm tingling throughout my chest and in my arms, and I just get a huge smile on my face, and there’s actually a beautiful practice that I learned in the Taoist philosophy called The Inner Smile where you take that feeling (that smile) that you get in that type of situation, when you see your long lost friend for the first time, when you are just smiling at an adorable puppy or the most gorgeous sunset, right? You just take that smile, and you beam it to your entire body and being.

Maybe, if it resonates, take a moment and do that for yourself, and notice how you feel. What’s so beautiful about this is the same thing happens with your relationship to your body, to yourself, and to your pleasure. It’s the long lost friend who’s dying to see us.

2:58

The other day I woke up, and I had the worst headache. I’ve had a lot of neck pain lately. I’ve been in a bunch of car accidents in my life, and sometimes I get the neck pain that rears its ugly head, and it’s been intense lately, and I tell you, the past few weeks, thankfully, I feel the waves of the cosmos have shifted a little bit, but it was an intense few weeks there at the end of January. I had a lot of anxiety and my TMJ was acting up, all these kinds of things that give me the perfect storm of waking up with a headache. And some days it takes me a while to feel better. One of the things that really helps me is to use my pleasure as nourishment. Again, the past end of January was really hectic. It was busy getting back to work after the break. My kiddo was home for a while, sick, and I just launched my new pleasure program, The Pleasure Foundation, and getting everybody onboarded, getting that going, there was just so much happening, so many amazing things, but it’s just a lot.

So, when I had that headache, I just allowed myself time to nourish myself. And I invited in a luxurious practice where I allowed my pleasure to flow through my body, my being, my aura, and everything, and I don't often talk about the spiritual nature of this work, but there is such magic in your body.

4:09

When you can connect to it in a sacred way, and when I’m doing practices, when I’m teaching practices, there is just such an amazing experience that happens in my body where I just feel so supported and held in my pleasure by forces seen and unseen, and I’m able to celebrate that and hold others in that celebration energy around their pleasure, their connection to themselves. It’s phenomenal.

We celebrate our friends for promotions. We celebrate our friends for making a sale, for having a baby, for these big momentous things, and I truly believe we need to start celebrating each other more around all good things and all the pleasure in our life. Why shouldn't an amazing orgasm be celebrated just as much as you closed a big deal? Why shouldn't having an amazing connection with your partner be celebrated just as much as getting engaged? Why shouldn't an amazing orgasm be celebrated just as much as winning the lottery because it is winning the lottery. It’s a lottery with your body. What I was saying earlier, when you can come home to yourself, your body is so happy.

5:07

The other day when I did my practice, after that headache my body was so happy. It was like, “Hey, friend! I’m so happy to see you again! Ah, it’s so good to see you,” and she just lit up. My body, my being loves when I connect to it. When I connect to her and her wisdom and her energy and her playfulness and her raw power, and I can use that energy to flow through my system, to make myself feel better, to nourish my cells, to nourish my muscles, to relax my head, to relax my jaw, to relax my face, using my breath, using my intention, using the sacredness and the ritual of the practice, I emerge anew. I emerge grounded. I emerge inspired. I emerge joyful. I emerge a little sassy and naughty, and it feels great because our culture does not want us to celebrate our pleasure and our orgasm, especially in the middle of the day. But hey, I was home. My kid was sick downstairs watching a show. I took a bath, locked the door, and ah, it’s the best, right, that little bit of time for myself.

6:07

Granted, it’s not hours, right? Twenty minutes, but I know when I left that bathroom I emerged a different woman - such a present mother, so much more patient, so much more loving. Especially when you're dealing with a sick and grouchy kid, you really need that. Your pleasure is like magic. I think that’s when so many people practice it, they want to learn it, and they want to teach it to others because it’s that magical.

I’m gonna tell you a story about one of my clients who came to me after a divorce because they were looking to find more connection to themselves. They were in a relationship where their sexual needs weren't met. They were in a sexless marriage, and they didn't want to recreate those patterns. They wanted to be more open with communication in their partnership, and they wanted to feel better about their sexuality and heal some residual shame and trauma from the past. I’m truly magical at that type of work, and through our work together, that happened, and she says that, not only was she so surprised how much it changed in such a short amount of time, but also how it helped her in so many different areas of her life, specifically with her connection to her body, to her partner, to being able to say what she needs, to being able to have more open communication around the relationship and around sex that came from a more heart-centered place, to kind of release that sense of urgency and stress.

7:25

Again, these things can take time. Practice, practice. The more we do it, the more we can realize the things that used to cause us a lot of urgency aren't quite as urgent and, oftentimes, urgency can be a trauma response, right? When we can just realize it is not truly urgent, those things aren't quite as intense anymore. That’s when you can tell it’s working. That’s when you can tell it’s working!

For me, what happens is I realize when I’m not doing my personal practice, when I’m not taking care to nourish myself and my pleasure, I have a lot more anxiety because I haven't gotten as much time for myself. My husband’s been traveling a ton. It’s been a lot of solo parenting and busy-ness, and I realize when that happens and when I start to feel that anxiety, when I start to feel the stress, those are the alarm bells going off.

8:10

When I find myself grouchy, when I find myself impatient, it reminds me that, “Ope, alarm bells. Alarm bells. It’s time to slow down. Let’s do a little assessing. What’s working? What’s not? Where am I over-giving? Where do I need to put some boundaries up? Where do I need to take some time for myself?”

So, I would encourage you as you listen to this podcast, maybe tuning in and even just letting your body right now, just maybe giving some awareness to your body, your being. Maybe if it feels aligned to you, you can put your hand on your heart. Or maybe if you're driving or whatever, just bringing your awareness to your heart space, your chest, and maybe just taking a breath or two here in your chest, and maybe just saying, “Hi, old friend. It’s great to be with you. Thank you for all you do for me. Thank you, heart, for beating and pumping my blood through my body. Thank you, lungs, for breathing, for doing your thing. Thank you, blood, for flowing through and delivering oxygen to my cells and removing toxins and waste. Thank you, body, for all your miraculous systems that just function without me ever having to think about it. Thank you, body, thank you.”

9:13

Just notice how that feels. Your body shows up for you every single day, day in, day out. Every second your body is working for you. How does it feel just to give a little gratitude and be with your body and just thanking it? Maybe just caring for yourself a little bit, just giving yourself a little acknowledgement, and maybe just taking a minute as well to tune in. Maybe if you just zoom out a little bit. If you're looking at the big picture, the landscape of your current life this week, what are you doing to nourish yourself? Where do you need to say no? Where do you want to add in some time for more self-care? Where can you allow in more love and connection with those who mean the most to you? How can you just take a moment and remind yourself of what truly matters to you? Letting go of some of the shoulds, some of the to-dos, how might that feel? Just noticing any changes that pop into your mind, any little thing, any action step you might want to take.

10:08

Allowing yourself to maybe make a little note about that mentally, on a piece of paper or just in your mind. And just from a place of listening to yourself, acknowledging that you matter, your needs matter, your body, your being is your old friend. It wants you to come home. It wants you to reconnect.

If you need some help in this area, The Pleasure Foundation membership, this is just the spot for you to tune in just twice a month to nourish your body, to celebrate your pleasure, to be seen and celebrated in taking time for your own sensual self-care. You can find out more at www.amandatesta.com/tpf (as in The Pleasure Foundation) and join us! It is only $44 a month for founding members for a limited time. Ah, I would just love to be with you there and invite you into this amazing practice.

11:01

Your body, your being is here for you. It’s waiting. So, just taking a moment again and just thanking it for all it does. Sending you so much love and wishing you a beautiful week ahead!

_______

Thank you so much for listening to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast! If you loved this episode, please go ahead and forward it right now to someone who you know would love it, and if you’ve not yet had a chance to leave us a rave review on Apple Podcasts, please make sure you rate and review if you enjoyed the podcast as well as make sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Thanks for listening, and we’ll see you next week!

[Fun, Empowering Music]

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

Amanda Testa is a trusted healer, coach, and guide who’s served hundreds of clients over the years with masterful skills in coaching, pleasure embodiment, and somatic trauma resolution.

After thousands of hours of training in trauma informed sex and relationship coaching, tantric sex coaching, energy healing, somatic trauma resolution, breathwork, yoni egg coaching and more, she’s seen time and time again the magic and wisdom of our bodies.

We all have the ability to return to our blueprint of health, aliveness, pleasure and sovereignty, and you can too.

With her powerful, loving and gentle support her clients find their desire and pleasure again, find safety and bliss in their bodies, and remember they are enough just as they are.

Find out more about her new monthly Pleasure Membership HERE.

Want more support? Schedule a confidential 1-1 call with Amanda here.

Have a topic or question you'd like Amanda to address on a future episode? Submit it on this anonymous form.

If you liked this episode, please consider giving me a 5 Star Review on Apple Podcasts! It truly does help the podcast grow. 

EPISODE 252: Trauma-Informed Care


[Fun, Empowering Music]

Amanda Testa: Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a sex, love, and relationship coach, and in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex, love, and relationships, and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome!

_______

Hello, and welcome to the podcast. Today, I’m talking about why trauma-informed care is so key, especially when working with pleasure. I’m gonna tell you a story. Last year, I had an appointment. I had to go in for a pelvic ultrasound, and so, when I get to the appointment, first of all, most doctor’s offices are very sterile, not very warm and welcoming. And so, I am getting ready for the pelvic ultrasound, which basically is they insert an ultrasound wand vaginally and kind of make sure everything’s looking all right. They check the insides of your ovaries through an internal probe, basically. [Laughs]

1:01

And so, I get there, and I get into the stirrups and immediately start shaking. One of the things, if anyone does a lot of work around this or is familiar with TRE, that’s Trauma Release Exercises, there are certain positions that you can put your body in that actually naturally invite in a shake, and when you know what’s happening, basically, it’s your body just kind of releasing stress, releasing pent up things that it needs to let go of, but if you aren't aware of this, it can be really scary for people, and so, I’m sitting here, shaking like a leaf. They never even mention one thing about it, and they're like, “Okay, one, two, three,” shove the thing in.

First of all, that was an extremely non-trauma-informed visit, and especially working with these tender areas, and this is something that’s no fault for these practitioners. They're probably not taught this, but even just in that experience, I could tell you I just remember laying there, and my legs are shaking, and these poor people are like, “Oh, I’m sorry. We’re almost done,” and I literally was laughing because I was like, well, you know, this position will encourage that.

2:06

If people have stuff to release, it’s gonna happen, and I would imagine that in that particular instance, that type of thing probably happens a lot because if anyone has experienced any type of sexual trauma, oftentimes, these types of practices, these types of procedures can elicit a response. If the practitioners don't know how to handle it, then that can be hard for the patient.

The reason I tell you this story is just because these are the normal things that we go through as women, oftentimes, in doctor’s offices going to get your gyno appointment yearly. All these things where we’re put into positions where we might not feel very comfortable, but there are things that we can do to feel more comfortable, and this is one of the things that I really am very passionate about because I do believe trauma-informed care is so key, especially when working with pleasure, because our pleasure is wrapped up in a whole lot of other things for most of us, and on this podcast episode, I’m gonna talk a little bit more about what trauma-informed care is and how you can advocate for yourself if you're in a position where you might be uncomfortable.

3:06

Some of the key things that I think are so important is to always, number one, listen to your own body, and it can be very challenging because we’ve been disconnected from it our whole life, let’s be honest, and we’ve also been conditioned to not speak up when there’s a power dynamic, specifically if you think about a doctor’s office and a patient. There’s often more power to the provider than the patient in that scenario, so it can feel uncomfortable or embarrassing to speak up because you're like, “Well, I guess this is what’s supposed to happen, and might as well just override all my body’s impulses and just lay here and let them do what they need to do.” [Laughs] Sad but true, right?

Even me, looking back, I was like, “Man, I could have advocated for myself,” but in that moment I was in a response where I could not advocate for myself. And so, that is why even if they would have said, “Hey, just so you know, this position might make your legs shake a little bit. It’s okay. Don't worry about it. If it feels too much at any time, just let us know, and we can pause for a minute.” The problem is that really affects their turn time, and I’m sure they don't really want to spend hours dealing with people,.

4:03

They want to just move onto the next patient, which is unfortunate in the healthcare industry. [Laughs] So that’s a whole other podcast.

But I’m gonna share a little bit about what is trauma-informed care and why I feel like it’s so important, especially in my work with pleasure because not just as the doctor’s office, but when you're working with your sexuality, when you're working with your feminine fire, these things are all so wrapped up, and one of the things is you have to honor the time it takes, right? One of my mentors -- I love that Layla Martin says this. She says sometimes you can only -- you know, this is the truth about any situation -- it can only go as fast as the slowest part of you can go. Often, that can be very frustrating, right? We want to override that part. We want to push through. We want to just move on. And healing doesn't work like that. Our body doesn't work like that. So, some of the key things are not pushing, not forcing.

One of the reasons I love the ReBloom trauma-resolution model so much -- it’s one of the certifications that I did through Rachael Maddox; I just adore her -- because when we’re working with sexuality, even if you are super healthy and you’ve had a very non-trauma background, there are still things that can be tender territory, right?

5:11

And so, I feel like anyone in this industry needs to have these skills because it’s very easy to push someone past their comfort level, and some teachers have that style, right? They're very young. They want to just push. They're like, “I’m gonna push something, and you're gonna have an experience.” I personally don't like that approach because I can see the negative effects of it, and I’ve seen it through my clients where it’s backfired. When you override your body’s impulses, then you're gonna be set back a little bit, right?

Oftentimes, that can be what happens in long-term relationships, with my clients that are in long-term relationships, and they're trying to get the spark back where they have just been so disconnected from themselves, where they maybe say yes when they don't really want to, and even in a loving relationship, when you are saying yes when your body is saying no, over time that can create some residual things within your body where you might feel pain or you might feel shut down. You might not want to be intimate. This is why part of the journey is making sure you learn the language of your body and how to listen to it.

6:07

And so, what I love about ReBloom is it includes story and myth and rituals and archetypes and metaphors because this is a great way to kind of take a step back and look at the overall picture because we are looking at the holistic person, right? You can't just extract certain areas of your life. They all blend together, right? All of your body parts blend together. We are a holistic being, so it’s important to be able to sometimes see the forest through the top of the trees, so to speak, so you can see what’s going on, and also focus on health as the foundation versus trauma. We focus on health. What is working? Because we all have this blueprint of health at our core, this original essence, the perfection of our divine blueprint, right? That is perfect, and throughout our lives, different imprints, different things happen that leave residue.

6:59

What happens, the way this shows up, another term Rachael says, which I love is she calls it trauma is an embodied violation hangover. So, something has happened, and it was in the past, but it’s showing up today. Sometimes it’s even subconsciously so we might not be aware of it, right? Maybe it’s feeling totally shut down or numb around your sexuality or feeling zero pleasure or a lack of libido. There are so many different ways these kinds of things show up - how you relate, how your relationships pan out. So, what we want to do is focus on the health that you already have because no matter what you’ve been through, you have that health in certain areas. And so, we use archetypes to pull out and draw out the strengths of you and really go from a strength-based approach.

Also knowing that lens, that there are a lot of systems of oppression and cultural trauma spells that we are all under and living in that are very real and deeply affect everyone’s experience in a different way. So, some people are way more affected, obviously, because of these cultures and the systems of oppression that we’re in.

The other thing is kind of understanding how all these different aspects of regulation can intersect, like how we can take care of ourselves, how we can regulate on our own, right?

8:06

These are some of the things I talk about a lot about finding a resource, finding these places of comfort, finding a way to feel safe enough in your body to explore, co-regulation (finding people that it feels safe enough to be around), community-regulation (again, finding the community that feels supportive, that feels stable), and nature-regulation (which I love so much about this model because I’m very much so connected with nature, and it’s always been a healing, soul-nourishing place for me even just simply looking at the patterns that you see in nature, right?) No matter how chaotic things can seem or how overwhelmed you feel or how stressed out, some of the things that, often, we can count on are the fact that the sun is gonna rise and the sun is gonna set. We can count on just the beauty of watching a flock of birds fly by, right? We can just listen to the sounds outside our door to connect to the aliveness that exists in our ecosystem that we are a part of, so we, too, have that in us, right? I love it so much!

9:00

Also everyone has a different timeline. I think that’s so important to note, and I think that’s one of the things when you're talking about trauma-informed care is understanding that everybody has their own pace, and so, you can't compare yourself to others, especially around sexuality. Some people are gonna have a real quick access to pleasure. Other people, it takes a little more time. But what I do know is time and time again, if you show up for yourself and you're consistent over time, you will see the changes that you want, and it might take longer than you want, but you will get there. The key is just showing up for yourself and showing up for your practice and trusting that you will get what you want because you're showing up for yourself, and that is a huge part of it.

Also, knowing that, really, meeting whatever comes with presence, right? Like I was just saying, you might not always have a joyous experience, but just meeting whatever comes up with presence and having and learning the skills to hold whatever comes up, that is in cooperation with your body’s current capacity, right? Not pushing, not forcing, as I mentioned earlier.

10:01

It’s kind of doing the beautiful thing of titration where you kind of dip into where it feels hard and go back to where it feels good so that there is not an overwhelm, because you want to gently stretch your nervous system, not strain it, right? You want to stretch it but not over-stress it because when it’s over-stressed, it’s gonna shut down and have the opposite effect of what you want.

So, the other thing is having a lot of consent along the way. I think that is such a key thing, especially working with pleasure, and I sometimes have been in environments or gone to things where people lovingly -- they’re not trying to cause any harm, A lot of these people, they're not trying to cause harm, they just don't know the difference. So, you know, you go to an event, and maybe they force you to eye-gaze or they force you to give someone a hug. These kinds of things, you’ve got to get consent, and you've got to make sure that people are opting in, that you have the chance to say yes or that you have the chance to say no, and that there are layers in which you can engage with things, right?

Some of the key things to bring in when you are working around sexuality and just kind of having that ability to speak up for yourself is, number one, having compassion, right?

11:04

Having compassion for yourself and for your experience because we are all in this together. We’re all learning. We all are doing our best. Curiosity: being curious instead of judging or wishing things were different or beating yourself up, just being curious about what your experience is, having kindness, and being open, having an open mind and being open to receiving all the support, being open to receiving all the support. That, my friends, is such an important thing because that could be hard, too, right? That could be hard to receive support, so that can be another muscle that we work to stretch.

And so, what does trauma-informed mean? Well, basically, the definition of trauma-informed care means understanding, anticipating, and responding to the issues, expectations, and special needs that may arise when working with a person who has been victimized, but at minimum, trauma-informed services seek to do no harm, and I think it’s recognizing the pervasiveness of trauma in the world and seeking to be responsive to this reality.

11:59

I actually was just on a call yesterday with Dr. Peter Levine teaching, who founded Somatic Experiencing, which is a very popular somatic trauma-resolution program that I love and have been very influenced by. (a lot of the work that I do is body-based trauma resolution which that’s what somatic means (of the body).

So, basically, what you're doing is you're allowing your body to share its wisdom and going in cooperation with what it wants to do to move through things and to kind of remind you that you do have that health within you, so it’s kind of helping you to do the work of reprogramming your inner landscape, so to speak, so it’s more healthy and that you can remember that you have that health within you.

But one of the things he was saying was that, you know, he started in the ‘60s, and that how trauma has just gotten way worse and the things that he sees are way worse, and so, I think that it’s a societal thing, but it just is heartbreaking to me, but anyways, the point is is that, basically, most people have been affected by it in some way, and so, we need to have these tools.

12:58

And so, I’m telling you this, too, as you are a consumer (maybe you’re a consumer of services) that you want to (especially in this realm of sexuality) make sure that you're working with someone who is, at the bare minimum, trauma informed. The beautiful thing about the type of coaching that I do that works well with a lot of my clients because they also have worked with therapists, because they have dealt with a lot of the major things that they’ve been through, but there are still the tendrils, and they want to resolve that specifically around their sexuality.

Some of the things that are really important for you when you are in an experience is just making sure that you feel safe enough to participate. If you don't, then what are the things that you need to call out or what are the things that you need to feel that way, right? These can be multi-layered, but it’s just something to think of. What can feel safe enough for one person might feel very threatening for another person. So, oftentimes, that’s one of the things that irritates me, and I have had a fault with it as well because before I did a lot of this training, I would do some of these things like saying, “Oh, this is a safe space.” Well, maybe it is, and maybe it isn't. That’s not for me to decide.

14:05

What I can do is create the intention that this is a space where there’s openness, there’s communication, where there is the potential for someone to feel safe enough to participate and that they have layers in which they want to participate before they decide what to do, so that people can show up whether I’m leading a full moon circle or whether I’m teaching a retreat for hundreds of people, it doesn't matter. When I’m in these experiences, my goal is to create an environment where there is an opportunity for every single person there to find a way to engage that feels doable for them.

The other thing is knowing that as you move into your life and you’re getting into situations like, say, for example, you are going to the doctor, and you need to get your yearly exam. This is something that I have practiced, and it’s actually been met with a lot of positive response from the caregivers. Ideally, what would be great to see is that when you go to your yearly exam, they spend time talking to you about your anatomy, they explain what’s what, they even show you your cervix, right?

15:09

How amazing would that be? Has that ever happened to you? I’m curious. It has not happened to me unless I asked specifically because I'm curious about my body. And I think one of the right things, especially in this day and age with all that’s going on in the reproductive justice lack-of, that it’s important to know your own body and be able to check out your own cervix.

I love Pamela Samuelson. They do an amazing workshop that I highly recommend called Take Back The Speculum where you will have an incredible sex ed class that you never got. I can guarantee you probably have never gotten it. And you also have the opportunity to look at your own cervix. Again, what are the benefits of that? That you can see what’s going on, that you can know it’s normal, that you can look at your cycles and how things look throughout the cycle. I mean, there are so many great things that we can do for ourselves if we have the desire to learn. Granted, maybe that doesn't float your boat, and that’s okay too, but what’s great about it is when you go to the doctor, they should be telling you these things, right? We shouldn't have to self-source information, but we do. And so, that’s why we’re here, right? We’re here to help so that you can learn this stuff.

16:09

I love it. I just did a big Anatomy of Pleasure Workshop, and I think that it’s a key thing for most people because I even remember as a well-educated, college-educated person in my thirties when I first started doing this work around sexuality and started learning so much more about my own body, I was like, “holy moly! How did I not know these things?” There’s so much you don't know. So, the good news is it’s easy to learn, and it’s all very simple and learnable. That workshop was in my Pleasure Membership. If that’s something you're interested in, you can check it out!

Back to my story of how you can advocate for yourself in situations, like, for example, when you go to the gyno. So, one of the things I did, which was really helpful, is I just let them know, “Hey, I would like to kind of have some say in how this goes. So, when it’s time to insert the speculum, could I please do it myself?” The first person that I said that to didn't like that at all, but I insisted, and then they obliged me, right? Then I started going to the midwives because when I was 35 weeks pregnant I switched to the midwives, and that was amazing because they are so supportive and so consensual.

17:08

I always feel like the midwives are like a loving aunt. That’s what it felt like. It feels like my loving aunt, just offering to give me some support. But anyways, so I was like, “Can I please insert the speculum myself?” They're like, “Of course!” which is great because then you can take all the time you need. You can go slow. You can be in charge of the process, and it’s not really that hard to do. You can't mess it up.

So, those are some things you can ask for. You can ask for what you need, like, “I feel cold. Could I get another blanket?” “My feet are cold. Can I borrow some socks?” Most doctor’s offices have these things or blankets or all the things. It’s learning to kind of ask for that. And then if they're not willing to do so, find another provider who is.

The whole reason I’m bringing all this up is because my goal in my whole world around this work I do around sexuality is to make it accessible, to make it feel doable, to find a way to approach it that is a full-body yes. And that, to me, is so important, and that’s why I feel like so many of my clients really do appreciate the way that I hold space for them.

18:08

A lot of times they have gone through a lot, you know? And that’s what I hear time and time again from these clients is that, “You made me feel safe,” and, really, what I’m doing is I’m not making them feel safe, I’m helping them find that within themselves, which, then, that is the win because they can use that wherever they are in their lives, right? It’s not me, it’s what I’m reminding them that they are capable of. It’s what they are finding in themselves, and it’s also really so important to meet people where they are.

I’ve been doing this for almost a decade now, and I can look back to when I first started (I’m sure most people can look back to when they first started in their things that they're like, “Oh, gosh, that was not very good that I did that,” or, “I’m sure I learned a hard lesson or two.” Most people probably at some point in their beginning stages of whatever they're doing they might have made a mistake or two that now they know better, right? But when you know better, then you do better.) I say that to just let you know that I’m always open to feedback and learning, and I’m constantly dedicated to improving my craft and getting better at what I do because I want to provide an environment that if you're gonna come to me, and you want to work around your sexuality, that you know that you're never gonna be pushed, that you're never gonna be forced, that you get to be in charge of everything. It goes at the pace that you want.

19:17

One of my clients just recently sent me the most kind note, and she said:

“Working with Amanda was so helpful. Every session was relaxing, supportive, and safe. I was so impressed at the meditations and visualizations she would walk me through, as well as the homework, tips, and reframes that she would suggest. Everything was done at a level I can handle, and she only pushed me to grow and learn at a pace that felt good to me. She provided a different perspective and offered ideas that I never would have thought to consider on my own to help me feel more comfortable and safe in my body. Amanda really understands how to support you at whatever level you need. I am so thankful for the time I had working with her.”

I share that because I want you to know that if you're gonna come to me, that you're gonna be in an environment where your needs are honored, first and foremost.

20:00

So, that is why I wanted to share more about the importance of trauma-informed care when it comes to pleasure because, unfortunately in our society, it is so mixed-up hand in hand.

Thank you for listening to this week’s podcast. I hope that this was helpful in kind of understanding you’ve probably seen trauma-informed care all over these days. It’s everywhere. Everyone’s talking about it. The thing is, is there’s a difference between trauma-informed care and a trauma specialist, right? There’s a difference between trauma resolution and just being aware, and so, that’s why I did a bunch of additional training around trauma resolution because I wanted to feel more confident in supporting people. And, granted, that’s why I say I’m not a therapist, I’m a coach. But there is so much amazing body-based resolution that can happen when you honor help and foundation, when you honor your client and their pace, and when you celebrate every little step of the way because that is so important, too. We always give ourselves such a hard time and don't reflect on the progress that we’ve made, and so, I think that’s a key thing, too, is realizing that when you're making these steps, they're huge.

21:05

I read this book once called The Slight Edge. I forget who wrote it now, but basically, he was talking about things that are easy to do and easy not to do. But say you're flying a plane across the US, if you go two degrees off course, you're gonna end up in a totally different place. The same thing that can happen when we’re looking at the trajectory of our life, when we make these little, tiny, doable changes (and that’s why I love small, doable pops of pleasure or ways to weave in what feels good), that, over a period of time makes a huge difference in where you end up. So, it doesn't have to be a sprint. It doesn't have to be hard and scary. It could be gentle and nurturing and done in a way that you can totally hold it.

Sending you lots of love. Thanks for tuning in. And if you are looking to learn more about this, then you can always reach out to me. Shoot me a DM on Instagram @abtesta. You can email me at info@amandatesta.com, and I can happily support you.

22:05

Have a beautiful rest of your day!

_______

Thank you so much for listening to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. This is your host, Amanda Testa, and if you have felt a calling while listening to this podcast to take this work to a deeper level, this is your golden invitation.

I invite you to reach out. You can contact me at amandatesta.com/activate, and we can have a heart-to-heart to discuss more about how this work can transform your life.

You can also join us on Facebook in the Find Your Feminine Fire group, and if you’ve enjoyed this podcast, please share with your friends. Go to iTunes and give me a five-star rating and a raving review so I can connect with other amazing listeners like yourself.

Thank you so much for being a part of the community.

[Fun, Empowering Music]

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

As co-founder of the Global Grit Institute, a mental health training platform for leaders and coaches, co-founder of the Dharma Coaching Institute, training thousands to live their best lives, and a thriving coach in her own right, Neeta Bhushan has helped thousands of people move past their heartbreaks, failures, and disappointments. And after years of research into human behavior, observing people in their worst and best moments, being a mother of two small children, and failing more than a few times herself, Neeta knows what it takes to get back up no matter what bowled you over. Her new book, That Sucked, Now What? is a real-talk guide to personal growth that draws on and embraces the suck–and helps you break through to lasting, audacious resilience.

Connect with Dr. Neeta here.

Grab her newest book HERE.

Want more support? Schedule a confidential 1-1 call with Amanda here.

Have a topic or question you'd like Amanda to address on a future episode? Submit it on this anonymous form.

If you liked this episode, please consider giving me a 5 Star Review on Apple Podcasts! It truly does help the podcast grow. 

EPISODE 251: with Dr. Neeta


[Fun, Empowering Music]

Amanda Testa: Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a sex, love, and relationship coach, and in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex, love, and relationships, and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome!

_______

If you have ever gone through a life transition, and something really challenging and sucky happened, and you're finding yourself on the other side being like, “Okay, now what?” I think that many of us can relate to this type of experience, and I’m really excited because, today, I have a very special guest who’s gonna share more about how to thrive after transition, along with a lot of other really great things we’re gonna dive into today.

So, welcome to Dr. Neeta Bhushan, who is going to be talking with us around her new book That Sucked. Now What? as well as her framework of bouncing back and really how you can do that. So, welcome so much. Thank you so much for being here, Dr. Neeta, and if you wouldn't mind, I’d love to hear a little bit more about kind of your story and why this work is such a passion for you.

1:06

Dr. Neeta Bhushan: Oh, wow. Yes, thank you so much, Amanda. I really appreciate it. Yeah, so, I was born and raised in Chicago to immigrant parents. My father was from India. My mom was from the Philippines. You know, I’ve had a lot of expectations that were put on me. My parents wanted the American dream. They both came from different places in the world, and I grew up having to have these expectations on myself that were obligations. I was the oldest daughter out of three of us, and this idea of academic drive and success and all of the stereotypes that you would ever think of an Asian immigrant family, yeah, that was definitely my household.

So, as I got into my older years and I had two younger brothers, we would definitely get into this season of life where I’d have to grow up really fast.

2:00

So, at ten years old, I became a child caretaker. My mom was battling breast cancer at the time, and, you know, with immigrant households, many times you come to The States and you're kind of in survival mode, right? You want to keep up with the Joneses, you want to belong, and you want to fit in. And so, I was doing piano classes, like, all of these things, dance classes, all these cultural things. So, it was like doing, doing, doing, but also, we had an elephant in the room. My mom was dying of cancer, and it was a lot of emotions. It was really a lot for my father, and I would, then, go on for six years like this growing up with a lot of the caretaking, a lot of the responsibilities, and also, trying to fulfill my duties at home, getting straight A’s, getting all the accolades, all the achievements, etcetera.

And then I would lose my mom at 16. I would lose my brother a year later to a severe sudden asthma attack, and then two years after that I would, then, lose my dad.

3:00

So, within that period of five years, and, ultimately, from 10 to 19, I would lose 3 members of my immediate family. So, it was definitely a lot, and I was left to, then, raise my youngest brother who was 14 at the time. And so, really, through that survival mode, I’m entering my 20s with all this fervor and ignition of, “Okay, well, that sucked. Now what?” And for me, the “now what” part at that point of my life was, “All right, I don't want anybody to feel bad for me. I do not want the pity. I want to just belong.” Fitting in was a huge thing for me at that point, so I did whatever it took to just have this quote-unquote “normal” life.

I went on, got married, and then, of course, at the end of my 20s they call it the Saturn Return. I was actually having the biggest awakening of my life when I found myself in this very toxic relationship, and I had to get out.

4:04

And so, that was really the beginning of my healing journey because, really, facing a lot of the demons that I had shoved under a rug -- I had put it in a closet, packed it up, tightly wound it, sat on it, and it rose up to the surface in such a big way, so big that I finally fell, and I finally broke down, and I finally let it all out, and I finally began to grieve, and I finally began my healing journey and my grieving process of healing the little girl that just wanted love and attention and support and all of the things that she couldn't have because she had to grow up so early.

And so, that took me through another decade of healing, unraveling, and unlearning because, on the outside, I was materially successful. I had an incredible career that I had built. I was a cosmetic dentist. I had all of the trappings of success before 30 and then slowly and steadily started to unravel it, and I sold my first business.

5:07

I retired from dentistry, and I really wanted to chart what that would look like, so I spent a lot of time with healers, shamans, traveling the world, really understanding and interviewing people on what they thought success was. And, for me, it was also to gain confidence and clarity on, okay, what are the throughlines or the themes in my life, and that was really resilience and grit. And so, I went on to write my very first book, Emotional Grit.

And from that point, it generally took me to a place of making peace with a lot of the stories that I was carrying on in my past and also, then, arriving to finding love again and finding my now husband and entering into this next chapter of my life which was motherhood. And it was also embracing the duality of the chaotic times, the messy moments that we all go through and really coming up with a process of how I show up in the world and helping people in this stage of my life, which is through talks, through many of our companies (I run three different companies), as well as being able to speak to you, Amanda, and share stories like this.

6:30

Amanda Testa: First of all, I really just want to honor all that you've been through and all that you've held in your life and just witness that, and also knowing that how everything sometimes comes back at a time maybe when we were thinking we’ve moved past all this and we were in a great place, like you mentioned. You have all these material things, everything's going well, but all these signs are coming and just all of the things that are requiring deeper support and deeper healing and just the journey that you went on to try to find that and how you’ve come up with these amazing frameworks, too, from your experience and that you are able to now help others. And so, celebrating you and all that you are doing, too.

7:08

Dr. Neeta Bhushan: Mm, thank you. Thank you. I receive that, for sure.

Amanda Testa: And so, I’m wondering when it comes to what it really takes to help people have this resilience and the framework to bounce back, can you talk a little bit more about kind of what you’ve created around that?

Dr. Neeta Bhushan: Yeah, so, one of the frameworks as I put my research hat on because I was a psychology major in college, and, before I went into dentistry, what I really loved is really understanding and being curious about the patterns and the why that we do things. And what I’ve recognized in this work is there are four parts to somebody’s bounce factor, and their bounce factor is their ability to bounce back after tough moments (after a break-up, after a heartbreak, after a divorce, after a sucky moment, after they didn’t get the proposal or they didn't get the promotion, after they went on and they tried to share their thoughts with a new audience for the first time or maybe share a pitch with somebody for the first time, and they heard crickets). And so, I think that it comes down to four different areas.

8:16

The first one is your upbringing. I share a lot about my upbringing, a lot about my story, and the reason why I do that is really to give context but also for you and your listeners to really understand, well, perhaps you are picking the same types of people in your life. Perhaps it was the same kinds of friendships that were toxic or that betrayed you in some way. What was actually missing? Whose love were you actually yearning for, right? So, to look at the upbringing of where you're at because those things can't be changed, but we can actually make peace with it. And so, that’s the first part is understanding your upbringing. How were women viewed in your life when you were younger, right?

9:01

Who were your very first relationships? Did you have a good relationship with your mom or dad, aunt, uncle who were in your life, right? Who were those big caretakers that you were longing for attention? I know that in many cultures, a lot of times women can't speak up or, especially in Asian culture, we can't even voice our opinion. It’s very much like, “Listen to the elder.” And so, how did that, then, play a role in how you're showing up now or how you take on big risks, how you stretch yourself, how you challenge yourself, right? So, again, making peace with that upbringing piece is huge.

Then we get into the second part which is how often are you exposed to good stress and your current environment because your current environment you can change, and I think in the last few years, we’ve been in this bubble of complacency because we’ve had to be in our homes and things like that, so a lot of times, we’re getting used to kind of the five-o’clock Netflix ‘til nine o’clock or what have you, and we’re not really stretching ourselves because we’ve been used to a certain way of being with one another.

10:04

And so, how can you actually add more good stress to your life? And something as simple as that (which I talk about in the book and I give a whole list of resources on how to start) is it could be taking a cold shower for ten seconds, increasing that factor. Why a cold shower? Well, we know studies have shown that cold water wakes up our cells and gives good blood flow, circulation, all of the things, but who really likes a cold shower? I mean, nobody, really. We have to train for it, and so, that’s just one example.

But other examples could be having a difficult conversation with somebody that you've been putting off, being able to share, “Hey, this is not gonna work for me,” and being honest and truthful about that. For a lot of people that’s like, “Ah! Oh no, why are you gonna test me like that?” It could also be saying no, enforcing your boundaries and what your boundaries would look like because, for a lot of us, we’re people pleasers. We want to be liked. And so, how to actually evoke or practice that good stress -- and it could even be going to a networking event and introducing yourself to two or three people that you don't already know, and that can also be jarring for a lot of people but being able to stretch yourself so that you can actually expand into that next evolution.

11:17

The third part of this is really getting into your emotional capacity and allowing yourself to feel. A lot of times when we go through tough moments in our life, we bury them just like how I shared in the beginning of this story. I put it in a box, I put it in a closet, and I buried it, and I packed all of my layers of clothing and clothes so that I wouldn't have to go through the depths in those dark places. But what if you are able to unpack that? What if you are able to literally open that closet door and take out all of those old clothes that no longer fit you but really peel back and open that Pandora’s box and really say, “Wow, that sucked, and that really, really sucked,” and to sit with whatever the discomforting emotions that could come up around it.

12:07

When I talk about “that sucked, now what,” it’s not just to passively move onto the next. No, it’s a catchy phrase, and I’m glad I got your attention, but it’s to sit with, not in the victim state and not the victor state, but it’s that vulnerability place of, okay, acknowledging what was the hurt, where it hurt, where it’s actually feeling weird or uncomfortable in your body, and literally sitting with it for a second or so. I actually go through a process of how to really process your emotions when you're going through a tough time. It’s all in the book, and actually for your listeners, when they actually pre-order a copy of the book from thatsuckednowwhat.com, you can actually get my free 40-page guidebook that actually takes you through the processes of emotions (like, what are you actually feeling, how to internalize it, how to hold it, when to let it go, how to release it properly so we’re not sitting in the suck for too long, but we actually can take action as a result).

13:10

The third part is that emotional capacity - can you stretch yourself to feel some of these uncomfortable feelings and make peace with it.

Then the fourth factor is your self-awareness, and this is huge. This is huge for anyone listening right now who is thinking, “All right, what can I do? What can I do? What can I do?” But many times, how can you be? How can we just be in the moment, and how can we notice if we can just do a quick check or a quick body scan, what is feeling out of alignment? How can we integrate the parts of us that maybe we were rejecting, that maybe we didn't want to feel, that maybe we wanted to leave in the closet but now they're there, and how can we love the parts of ourself that still need a little extra love and attention but, perhaps, maybe you can call on it when you are feeling tender or you are needing a little bit more courage or bravery from yourself to say, “All right. I can go through this one more meeting. I can stand up to my boss. I can share the uncomfortable thing.”

14:15

But notice it in your body when you feel like you're being stretched, when you feel like you're being taken advantage of, when you feel that this person is betraying you, when you feel that your boss is requiring more from you, notice where that sits and how that is either in alignment with you or no longer in alignment. That is radical self-awareness. That is the fourth piece of literally knowing, okay, checking in with yourself if this is a heck yes or a no.

Amanda Testa: Ah, so good. You know, those deeper explorations are so important, and even just being aware. So often people don't love being in their body, right? They struggle to be in their body and to feel the sensations and notice what’s happening, and it’s such an important thing to tune into, and I love how you talk about just increasing those good stressors so that it actually increases your capacity to hold those things, to feel the things that are uncomfortable, that are so important to process, like you say, and integrate those things that are so important.

15:16

And so, I’m wondering, too, for people that might be listening that are maybe tender right now or they're kind of in the midst of something or kind of I think sometimes, too, when people are having a really hard time, they know what to do but they can't do the things, right? So, what strategies can you have to help people in that state?

Dr. Neeta Bhushan: Oh, yes, this is a great question. So, if you are in what I call the suck, right, we want to embrace the suck, and I want you to even just (if you're one to journal, this is a great journaling exercise that I can leave with your listeners) take your journal or take your phone or something to write with but list out what is it that you're actually feeling right now. What is it that you're feeling?

16:01

What emotion is that big emotion that you are experiencing right now, whether it’s feeling hurt, whether it’s feeling sad, depressed, anxious, overwhelmed, stressed. What is that feeling? Then I want you to think of, okay, where do you usually feel that tension? Where do you feel that tension in your body? Some of us feel it as like a tension headache on the sides of our head. Some of us feel it in our hearts, that heavy weight in our hearts. Some of us feel it in our guts where sometimes maybe you have to go to the bathroom a couple times, and that’s actually our gut telling you that, “All right, there's a little bit of that overwhelm, a little bit of that anxiety,” but really pay attention to what is it that your body needs at this moment. Does it need to sit on the couch and lay on the couch? What is it that you need in order to feel nourished? This is a beautiful self-care practice. You can actually journal all of this out.

17:00

Finally, who is it? Maybe it’s a person. Maybe it’s just time. Maybe it’s you sitting and looking at the mirror or maybe it’s a physical representation of just holding yourself and hugging yourself. But how can you give yourself that nourishment, that love, that support, and to literally make out that list. So, maybe it could look like walking in your garden. Maybe it could look like walking around the block. Maybe it could be as simple as if you're in the middle of a city or maybe in the suburbs, finding the flowers as you're walking by, and right around the time of fall, there may not be many flowers, but it allows you to be present, and that’s the beauty in this exercise is allowing you to be present with what can feel nourishing. It could be as simple as lighting up a candle. It could be as simple as drawing a bath for yourself and giving that intentionality of I see you, I’m with you, I’m gonna hold you.

18:05

And I have many of these types of journal prompts and exercises that are also in the book that are also actually in the free guidebook that I have for those of you who purchase a book today at thatsuckednowwhat.com along with a five-day healing practice to start healing some of the relationships, especially in relationships, our interpersonal dynamics are one of the greatest ways to really grow ourselves, and most of us shy away from those big conventions. Most of us do not like confrontation. Most of us want to put a blanket over our heads and pretend that it never happened. And so, then, we have these negative charges that we’re not clearing because we’re so afraid of what is happening. So, I take you through five days of being able to heal. It’s a full healing practice and journey to heal, not only your relationships (that’s day one), but also how to invite grit and grace in your life and build that resilience, how to invite abundance in your life after you’ve healed those relationships so that you can have more courageous and brave conversations, and then finally, on the last day, we go into how to connect back to yourself.

19:17

And so, doing rituals just like how we just discovered here would be an amazing way, so, yes, so all of the juiciness in this five-day healing practice that you get for free when you purchase the book.

Amanda Testa: I love that. It’s so key when you're in those moments to find those inner resources, and sometimes it can be hard. So I love that, you know, making your list of the things that support you and doing those things. One of my teachers (and I love this) calls it the full exhale list, everything that makes your body go [Exhales] and write all those things down because sometimes we forget, especially when we’re having a hard time.

Dr. Neeta Bhushan: Especially.

Amanda Testa: One of the things, too, I wanted to ask about, because I feel like we can do a lot for our own selves but also healing in community is so key and important, having supportive people around you, and I’d love if you would share a little bit about some of the ways that you can create and build that supportive group around you during tough moments.

20:11

Dr. Neeta Bhushan: Yeah, so I call it your support soul posse. We all have them. They're all around us. Sometimes they're the ones that you shun away. They're the ones that are checking in on you when you know you're going through a sucky time. They're the ones that are really wanting to be there for you. They want to support you. And so, this is the time to receive, especially if you're the one that’s constantly doing or giving or sharing. This is where you get to receive, and many times it’s so hard for us to receive help and support. That’s actually the hardest thing to receive is help and support, and you may not realize, but your support soul posse may just be around you, and it could look like -- and I share a lot of these ways in part two of That Sucked. Now What?

21:00

And it’s because there are five steps to this framework that I talk about which is the Fly Forward Framework, and in that, when you're at the magnify stage, you really want to surround yourself with people that support you, and one of the ways that you can do that is to get out of your comfort zone. Make a list of all the ways where the activities that light you up (it could be yoga, it could be going on retreats, it could be going to networking events, it could be doing meet-up groups), whatever really brings you that joy (taking a pottery class, taking a painting class, going for walks in the park and signing up with other people), that’s where you find your people. So, make a list of all the places where your people are hanging out. That’s number one if you don't already have a support soul posse.

If you do, number two, you want to be the gatherer. You want to be that way-shower. You want to be the person that brings everyone together, meaning that maybe you can have a circle ritual, and you have that two-hour window where it’s in the beginning of the day, end of the day, or have it on the weekend, but have a time where there’s a start time and an end time so that you're actually sitting in community, sitting in a circle, and why a circle?

22:15

Well, because that’s how we can actually relate to one another. There have been thousands of years of women across the globe, across the world, and in ancient traditions, and our ancestors would sit in a circle and just share and sing and celebrate one another, and this is how you -- it doesn't have to be a lot of people. It could be as small as three people to take a group. Three people plus yourself, four. That’s your sister, your mom, and your neighbor. But to allow yourself to sit in community and actually ask, “How are you really doing, and what is it that I can support you with right now? What is it that you need? What are some of the things that are challenging for you?” Because when we can talk about that-sucked-now-what moments, then we can actually be a bridge and a pillar of support for each other, and this is one of the ways, among many, that you can do to magnify the community in your life with starting just with a few people that probably love you so much.

23:19

Amanda Testa: Yes, I love that so much. Even just talking about things sometimes can be so freeing. So often, you think you're in it alone, but when you talk about it, you’ll find you're not most of the time, right? People can relate because they want to be there for you and also we don't often talk a lot about the bad things in our lives or the sucky things, right? The more we can open up and talk about that, people realize, “Oh, they're not alone. Oh, we’ve all experienced sucky things,” but also really allowing yourself to receive, like you say, that’s not always an easy thing. So, I love that advice, too, just like the people reaching out to you, let them help you.

Dr. Neeta Bhushan: Absolutely.

24:03

Amanda Testa: Give them something to do that you need. If people keep calling you for help, be like, “You know what I’d really love is if you would come and fold my laundry. Is that available to you?” Maybe it is, right? You never know!

Dr. Neeta Bhushan: Absolutely! That’s the best.

Amanda Testa: Or whatever! [Laughs] Sometimes especially for a new mom, right? Because you mentioned, too, moving into motherhood is a big transition, and while it’s a beautiful, amazing thing, often there’s a lot that can come up with that, and so, I mean even there I’m wondering what advice you have for kind of finding these times for yourself when you have so many responsibilities and people that need you and all of that.

Dr. Neeta Bhushan: Oh, wow, yes, and honestly, Amanda, that’s been such a journey, you know? I think that in the book I definitely make sure to address a lot of the loneliness that can happen when we’re actually trying to figure ourselves out again, trying to reinvent ourselves.

25:00

I talk about the Fly Forward Framework in the book, and that’s part two because it’s understanding what happens when we are going through a tough time or a life initiation. We have a fall, and having a fall is stage number one. That’s the first stage. You're going through this pivotal moment, and it was either a diagnosis, it was maybe somebody left you, it was you didn't get the promotion, or you got fired, or something big and monumental happened. And where some of the emotions around it is you're shocked, you're feeling hopeless, you're feeling helpless. Maybe you're in that victim mode, but then we get into stage two where it’s that ignition.

It’s that ignition because, hey, it wasn't expected. This was unexpected that happened, and now there’s an urgency. It’s a crisis. You got a medical diagnosis. Something happened. So, now, it’s allowing yourself to change, make change. And sometimes in that ignition stage we have to, then, prioritize our selfcare.

26:03

We have to prioritize when we’re going to be nourishing ourselves. And so, even in my own life, when I had to prioritize after I left this really monumental and abusive marriage, I had to prioritize my healing for the first time ever because I had finally fallen apart which meant seeing the therapist, which meant seeing my coaches and healers and body workers and literally locking that time in the schedule, and that’s a huge part of igniting.

Because then we get to rising where rising stage (that’s stage three) when you're actually having that new sense of confidence and new curiosity on, “Okay, I know I have a busy week,” but instead of saying I have a busy week, we’re saying, “Okay, here’s where I can make time. I can make 20 minutes work here for my own walk around the block. I can make ten minutes work here where I can actually do jumping jacks or rejuvenate or jump up and down and rejuvenate my body so I can have more energy for the afternoon,” but you're actually looking at your schedule and seeing the slots where you can actually make that work.

27:14

Then when we get into parts four and five, magnify and the thriving stage, magnifying stage, you're actually now making peace with your past. You're making peace with and forgiving yourself for whatever it is that you had went through, and now you have more time because you're seeing every opportunity as a possibility for nourishment and self-care. When we get into thriving (that’s stage five), that’s actually paying it forward to other people in your community, and that’s where you’re having soul posse gatherings, you're connecting your support posse with other people as well because you want the best for them as well, and it’s just paying it forward. It could look like volunteering on a Sunday with your soul support posse. It could be taking a trip together so that you're actually making shared memories because you're passing that forward.

28:09

Amanda Testa: Yes, ah, so beautiful. Well, I feel like I’m curious, too, when people are wanting support I know they can get your book, but I’d love if you’d share, too, where people can connect with you and learn more about you and all of the wonderful things you're doing in the world.

Dr. Neeta Bhushan: Absolutely. Well, you can definitely find me on Instagram @neetabhushan, and we have a whole slew of courses as well as resources at globalgrit.co, and honestly, the best way to connect now is to grab your free bonuses at thatsuckednowwhat.com.

Amanda Testa: Beautiful. Well, I am wondering, too, specifically because my podcast is a lot around sexuality and getting your feminine fire back, and all of these things are all so connected. And so, I’m wondering, maybe if there’s any insight you could share around that before we close.

29:02

Dr. Neeta Bhushan: Absolutely. I think that many times when we’re going through tough moments because of what society has told us about our own sexuality, of our own sensuality, of our own pleasure, it’s often diminished, or it’s often looked at in a bad light. And when we talk about the wounded feminine and the wounded masculine, for me, it was having to do and to prove and to be for other people, and I think what’s so beautiful is when we can actually soften and soften into our feminine and reclaim that power back, and this is the now what part. This is the magnifying part of really reclaiming what lights you up.

I noticed that this year, in fact, as I reinvented myself, yet again, after having my second child, it was how can I gain that sensuality back? How can I gain my own flair of how I felt in my body again after the chaotic messiness of having two kids, breastfeeding, and all the things, and not really wanting to be open with my husband, like really having to redefine what that looks like and having to block out time even for intimacy.

30:20

But, for me, the intimacy looked so different, and how were we able to navigate some of these different and challenging conversations that are so important in a monogamous relationship, let alone any sort of relationship, but I think also with having two children, he was also sharing, “Okay, well --,” and we had this open conversation to say, “All right, how do you want to explore your sensuality in this stage?”

And so, I started taking pole dancing and floorwork to just get back into my body to feel alive because a lot of times, after the first kid, things don't feel necessarily right, and you're falling back in love with yourself in your new body in the way that it is again.

31:03

Same thing with my second baby, but I also, for my daughter, it was like reminding me of that essence of play and love. And that’s literally stage four and five and a little bit of stage three of Flying Forward is we have that rising period where you're rising, and you're also rediscovering what lights you up in different ways. For me, before it was triathlons and it’s very masculine, and now, it’s like, no, I want to play. I want to dance. I want to have that strength so I can do the pole tricks but also really love and celebrate my own sexuality in this season and stage of my life, and that is the magnifying part. That is the thriving part.

Amanda Testa: Yes! Well, thank you so much, again, for being here and for sharing so much of your wisdom. I will make sure, too, to share in the show notes where everyone can find you, all your websites, and where you can get the book. That Sucked. Now What? is the name which I love. Yeah, and I just so appreciate all that you're bringing. So, thank you.

32:12

[Fun, Empowering Music]

Dr. Neeta Bhushan: Ah, thank you so much, love. I appreciate you for having me.

Amanda Testa: Yes and thank you all for listening. We will see you next week!

Thank you so much for listening to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. This is your host, Amanda Testa, and if you have felt a calling while listening to this podcast to take this work to a deeper level, this is your golden invitation.

I invite you to reach out. You can contact me at amandatesta.com/activate, and we can have a heart-to-heart to discuss more about how this work can transform your life.

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Thank you so much for being a part of the community.

[Fun, Empowering Music]