How to Get Your Desire Back
with Amanda Testa
Do you WANT to want to ... but just don't? Are you missing your libido, and the spark you once had?
This episode is going to share some simple tips to reclaim your desire starting today!
(and hint...it's not as hard or scary as you may think)
Complete Transcript available below.
In this episode I'm sharing one of my favorite ways to find the path to what lights you up and turns you on again.
Some of the books and resources I mentioned were The Wisdom of Trauma movie, and the book Digital Minimalism.
Join in the discussion on this episode and more in my free Facebook Group, Find Your Feminine Fire HERE.
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Amanda Testa (00:01):
Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a Sex, Love and Relationship coach. And in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex love and relationships and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome.
Amanda Testa (00:21):
Hello, and welcome to the podcast today. I am going to dive into what it really takes to reclaim desire. Something I hear all the time from clients is the wanting to want. If you are someone who is listening and you, you know, you want to be turned on, you want to desire. You want to desire your partner. You want to feel turned on again, and you just don't this episode, will hopefully shine some light on some things you can do, because truly what it really takes to reclaim desire sexually is a lot bigger than just sexually right it's life.
Amanda Testa (00:57):
And so many of us are just as we go through life, as we go through the motions, as we get trapped up in the to-dos and the daily things and taking care of everyone else, we really turn ourselves off to our eroticism, right. This ability to, to feel alive, to feel radiant, to have confidence and to enjoy pleasure, right? So these things are so key. So I invite you to just take a breath or two and enjoy this episode.
Amanda Testa (01:29):
So yes. What does it take to reclaim desire? And as I mentioned before, I was actually earlier today was watching a very inspiring series called The Wisdom of Trauma, which is a beautiful movie that is just coming out. But anyways, it's it's about really how trauma affects our lives and what we can do to reclaim our pleasure and joy and many different ways.
Amanda Testa (01:55):
And so one of the interviews that I listened to was with Dr. Ester Perel, who I adore, and you might be familiar with her. She has a great podcast called Where do we begin? And she's written numerous bestselling books, and she's just a really famous sex therapist. But so she was talking just about how so often in our lives, we, depending on, you know, whatever happens, it's like we don't need to focus so much unnecessarily on what happened, which sometimes, you know, that's important, but it's really focusing on how do you reclaim a sense of sovereignty over yourself? How do you reclaim feeling good? And, you know, when it comes to our relationships, even if you've been in a long-term relationship where it's been very loving, perhaps you have, you know, maybe given more than you've received some of the time, or maybe there's resentment, that's built up.
Amanda Testa (02:42):
And so all these things come into play when you're looking to feel turned on again in your relationship. And when I think about feeling sexually fulfilled and feeling like my eroticism is alive and I'm fully connected to my Feminine Fire and turned on in life, it's more than just in the bedroom, right? So when I talk about this sense of aliveness, what I think that means for me is just feeling more, you know, more in the present moment, more able to enjoy my sensations, more able to be present. And actually there was a book that I just recently read called Digital Minimalism. And one of the things that it talks about is how even our fingertips are losing sensation because of the time we spend on screens, devices and typing. And that to me was extremely sad to, to, to note. But so, you know, having a sense of aliveness as being turned on to the world around you, being able to enjoy the beauty around you, to, you know, kind of have a wider perspective of your life versus just kind of the zoomed in narrow focus of, okay, what's the next thing I have to do.
Amanda Testa (03:46):
Okay. I got to do this, that and the other, and just always being focused on what's to do, to do, to do right. Being in that hamster wheel of survival, of overwhelm, which we can all have those times, right? So aliveliness would be feeling more, being more present. And then when I think about radiance, what I think about is, you know, having this inner glow, this energetic aliveliness, which again can be shut down in our day-to-day life when we are not allowing ourselves to tune into what's good. And when we are allowing ourselves to turn into what's good, and to let this energy flow this radiance, then we have more confidence, right? We have more ability to ask for what we need to even know what our needs are, to ask for them, to receive them. Right. And to trust that they'll be received, trust that we can, we can have those things given to us or find them for ourselves if we need to.
Amanda Testa (04:36):
And then with that becomes this higher level of pleasure and desire, right? So as I dive into this episode, I'm curious even just how those things are landing, if this is resonating with you, because you know, those, those questions that they're so rooted in so many things. And if we think about what it takes for ourselves to feel turned on and desire often, you know, we need to have this foundation of feeling taken care of feeling like our basic needs are met. And sometimes when we're in this overwhelm cycle, we don't have our basic needs met. So it's, you know, it's going to be harder to find desire when you aren't getting enough sleep or when you're not taking care of yourself, or when you are overworked to the point where you can't ever relax when your nervous system is always in a state of anxiety or alternatively depression.
Amanda Testa (05:23):
So there's obviously a multi-layered approach here. This is why when sometimes clients just, you know, want to have, you know, feel turned on and to want their partners. There's obviously a lot of nuances that play many times, but one of the things that you can do, one of the first things that you can do to feel more alive again, is to even think of that. What are some things that make me feel good, right? What are some things that turn me on? What are some things that I desire? And that's why I still often talk about creating a desire list and refreshing it weekly because these things change on a day to day basis. And I do believe our desires, our internal compass, they're so key to connect to you on a regular basis. Our intuition tells us what we need tells us what we're lacking, right. And when we're not getting what we need, we're so much more likely to be reactive, to be angry, to shut down, to be numb.
Amanda Testa (06:14):
Because somewhere along that line, we are either don't know what we want. Can't ask for it, can't receive it, all these things, right. So I'll invite you to just contemplate that question. How do I, when do I feel, what are the things I want, right? What do I desire and set a timer for 10 minutes, just write. You know, what are the things that make me feel turned on? Maybe it's when I, I moved my body. Maybe it was when I take a walk. Maybe it's when I play and laugh with my kids. Maybe it's when I am enjoying the sunset. Maybe it's when I'm eating a delicious meal. Maybe it's when I am feeling inspired in my work, so just taking some time and just maybe you enjoying that down, what are some things that help you reclaim your desire? What are some things that make you feel good?
Amanda Testa (07:01):
And when you feel these things that, you know, and then after you make that list circle, one of the two are the things that are actually things you can do in the next few days and do them and notice how you feel, right? Because when you're able to connect to your desires and connect to the things that make you feel turned on, right, that make you feel alive, that make you feel worthy, make you feel deserving, then you can feel wanted. And then when you feel wanted, you can want, and then eventually you can translate that into erotic desire and turn on, right? So on the alternative side, you know, if you think about the ways that you feel unwanted or, or, you know, something about yourself, you don't like or undeserving, or those things create a shutdown in you, right? Oh, I never have any time.
Amanda Testa (07:48):
Or I'm always taking care of everyone else, or there's always something to do, or I can't ever get any alone time. Right. All those things are going to Shut you down more versus focusing on what are the things that I do want, how can I make more things that things happen more often in my life. And you know, when you think about that, you know, even think about maybe some things that first turned you on when you and your partner got together, probably a lot was, you know, seeing them in their element or you being seen in your element. You know? So remembering those things, like what are the things that turned me on, who do I love to be around? What do I love to do and make time for those things, because then you are going to feel more desire in your bigger life.
Amanda Testa (08:30):
And when you feel more desire in your bigger life, you're able to bring that into the bedroom. So just wanted to share those tips because I think that's so key. And you know, when you, and that connection, yeah. To ourselves, to our desires is so important into our connecting, to our eroticism and our desire and wanting our partner and wanting to want sex and wanting to, you know, delight in that aspect of our existence. And so it's such a, those are some really great ways that you can just start to connect to desire and how that translates. So I'll invite you this for the next week. Perhaps you can sit down, write your desire list. How many of those things can you make happen? Even if it's the simplest thing, and don't censor yourself when you write this list, because it's so much fun to just allow your imagination to play.
Amanda Testa (09:27):
And so many times I talk to women who are so overwhelmed. They don't even know what they want. They're like, man, if I had a day to myself, I don't even know what I would do. And I have been there. I get it because sometimes when you're just so depleted, you don't even know. And so maybe it's, oh my gosh, you know, what if I just had a day, I would just probably sleep the whole day. Great. Probably means you are very, your nervous system is very overwhelmed and you just need rest. And when we are more rested, then we can actually tune into our needs a little more. And it's easy to find ourselves depleted. And this past year has been a hell of a year, right? COVID and everything else and coming out of it now sometimes when we come on the other side of a big experience, we can feel the imprints, that experience left on us.
Amanda Testa (10:12):
Maybe during the time we didn't really notice it, but maybe now that you're coming up, you're realizing, wow, this last year, it really took it out of me in more ways than one more ways than I realized the constant togetherness with our families. You know, the constant being, you know, afraid of the pandemic or whatever was going on so much can be coming up now. So I'll invite you to just tune into these things and how can you connect to more desire this week? And I will look forward to supporting you in this if you need it. So again, when we can connect to this aliveliness to this desire, that's what it takes. And it's not just sexually it's in all areas. And that is just one of the ways I wanted to share how you can tune in and really bring in more desire into your life starting now.
Amanda Testa (11:06):
And if you need help in this area, I'm here for, you can always reach out and really we can dive deeper on maybe what are the, what are the layers of support that you're missing? What, what is it that you really truly need to desire to want and to allow yourself to be wanted and to receive, right? Hope you have a beautiful day or evening wherever you are. And before we close, I'll just let you to perhaps take a few deep breaths into your low belly, just even hearing now noticing what part of you might feel stable might feel good, perhaps noticing, something that might be
Speaker 2 (11:53):
Beautiful in your sight, something a texture, a color that you like, or that you notice that draws your eye. And just knowing that even these simple things can drop you into the present moment anytime. See you next week.
Amanda Testa (12:16):
Thank you so much for listening to the find your Feminine Fire Podcast. This is your host, Amanda Testa. And if you have felt a calling while listening to this podcast to take this work to a deeper level, this is your golden invitation invite you to reach out. You can contact www.amandatesta.com/activate/ And we can have a heart to heart to discuss more about how this work can transform your life. You can also join us on Facebook in the group "Find Your Feminine fire Group. " And if you've enjoyed this podcast, please share with your friends, go to iTunes and give me a five star rating and a rating review. So I can connect with other amazing listeners like yourself. Thank you so much for being a part of the community.